***See our Bottom Line at the end of this post to hear our thoughts on Kalyn’s possibly being pregnant.***
One Sentence Summary – Kalyn takes the term “brotherly love” to new levels and Tyler is more than happy to help her with her feelings. (Pun intended.)
Rachel: So, my dear readers, tonight is the night we’ve all figured was coming, but were too grossed out by the thought of it to truly acknowledge it. That’s right, Kalyn & Tyler are finally giving in to their feelings. And by feelings, we mean hormones. Melissa & I are actually in New Jersey watching this together and we have delayed the start of the episode because we are deep in conversation about whether or not this is really wrong or if it just feels wrong. I mean we both are skeeved by the idea and imagine that “skeeviness” is only going to get worse when we actually have the visual evidence, but Kalyn & Tyler aren’t actually related… And they haven’t actually lived together for very long… Yet, they’re being raised as siblings so… is it actually wrong or do we all just think it’s wrong? Thoughts? Personally, I can’t decide. My gut goes “ew” but the devil’s advocate in me says, “But they’re not actually blood relatives.” Hmmm…. What say you Melissa?
Melissa: Yes, here we are… the week Tyler makes his move on his would-be sister, and sorry, I can’t help but cringe. Rumor has it they don’t know the cameras are there when it goes down, but I find it a little hard to believe when you’re mic-ed and think the cameras won’t follow you… Plus we’ve all watched the whole situation in the making. Regardless, I find it gross and weird. However, this week the Winey Bitches are hanging at our TWB North location so even with the skeeve, we are celebrating with great enthusiasm… and The Show Cabernet Sauvignon.
Rachel’s What Happened: Wow, they’re not even breaking us in gently. Nope, right for the jugular. Tyler and Kalyn are enjoying a sibling hot tub session. And we say “sibling” since Tyler said, “What’s up, sis?” as Kalyn walked over. Um, here’s the thing, don’t refer to her as “sis” if you’re planning on taking a run around those bases. Seeing as how he can’t stop staring at her breasts, Kalyn senses an opportunity to tell him how she’s really feeling. She says she likes him as more than friends. He has feelings for her too. And it’s on, they seal the deal with a kiss. Suddenly, I feel like I’m watching an episode Redneck Bachelor. Oh Leslie is going to have an aneurism. I never noticed the tattoo on her neck… Nope not the point of the scene, I know, but it makes me less nauseated to focus on that instead of the spit swapping.
Melissa: Really, we’re going to start off with sibling love? Oh, I am so skeeved by this hot tub scene. Does anyone else feel their skin crawl at this “I have stronger feelings than friendship” for a family member I just referred to as “sis” before plunging his tongue in her mouth. As we discussed above, they are not blood relatives, but still I reserve the right to be skeeved. OK, I officially need to hit the Honey Jack.
Herpes Simplex 12
Rachel’s What Happened: At a ladies’ lunch, Connie tells Bonnie that people are saying Whitney has STD’s. It’s being spread because Tyler said he didn’t want to get diseases from her at the faux pageant. Bonnie isn’t going to have people talking smack about her kid so she has to put a stop to it. Well, you know your daughter mouthing off at every turn and having the C-word tattooed on her foot doesn’t really lend to her credibility. I’m just saying. After Bonnie calms down about her crusade to clear Whitney’s name, Connie says she’s planning the club’s Annual Charity Auction – So now we have another event to give the ladies an excuse for some more confrontations and screaming. I’m sorry, these ladies cannot control themselves ever at any public event.
Melissa: Oh boy, rumor has it Whitney has STDs because of the comment Tyler made to her at the fake pageant? Sorry, practice pageant. That’s just not cool.
Rachel’s What Happened: Connie goes to talk to Mr. Scoma about the upcoming Charity Auction and is surprised by ChaCha’s presence at the meeting. Uh-oh, Mr. Scoma invited ChaCha to help Connie with the planning and dubs them Co-Chairwomen. Oh Connie is not thrilled and it doesn’t help that ChaCha brings up the cheer gym. How does Connie refrain from punching her out?
Melissa: Does anyone else love Connie’s uncontrolled reactions to Deayanni?
Us Pageant Girls Have To Stick Together
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie is having dinner with Leeanne, a fellow pageant girl and Fashionista board member. Hey Leslie, maybe she can be your next muse/business partner. Leeanne says that Heidi is human… She has feelings… People don’t get that. Um, who doesn’t think Heidi is human? I missed this storyline. Leslie agrees, but she’d agree if Leeanne had said Chumbwumba’s “Tub Thumping” is one of the best songs ever written. (It’s not by the way. It’s actually horrible.) Leslie just wants in so her plot to take down Pam can be realized. She tells Leeanne that Pam is a bit of a loose canon and has a tendency to talk behind people’s backs. Leeanne doesn’t like this as it’s not Fashionista behavior. The first rule of Fashionistas is don’t talk about Fashionistas. Leslie seals the deal with a check for her membership and is a part of the Fashionistas now. I can’t stand Leslie, but I’m kinda enjoying watching her piss off Pam.
Melissa: Oh boy, Leslie is full court press to become a Fashionista to piss off Pam. I really don’t understand that angle, but hey, she’s about to have a big old mess on her hands with her son and goddaughter so I’ll let her chase this little dream. I am shocked, however, at the production of a check for the Fashionistas… Do they have to pay to be friends with the others? I don’t get it, what are they paying for?
Rachel’s What Happened: Over at Bonnie’s, Whitney says she hasn’t registered for school yet. What a giant surprise. Bonnie says she doesn’t like getting into Whitney’s business because she’s 24. Uh, she’s living off of you so pretty much her business is your business. Bonnie gives up trying to get her daughter into college and moves on to getting her tested for STD’s to prove to people the rumors going around the club are not true. Whitney doesn’t want to get tested to because she doesn’t to cave into what other people think. Bonnie says getting the report will shut it down and empower her as a woman. Whitney thinks porn star boobs will empower her. Oh, poor Bonnie. It’s like fighting a losing battle with this kid.
Melissa: Poor Jason, I can’t imagine being a father and hearing that kind of rumor about your daughter. See he’s totally John Favreau in PCU! Has anyone else seen PCU? If not, it’s a deliciously bad move that once you see it you will watch every time you’re flipping through the channels and see it’s on. Unfortunately, it is my love for this movie that makes me snap out of the scene every time I see him and think of Gutter… Can you blow me where the Pampers is? OK, sorry… Back to Texas.
Take My Bag
Rachel’s What Happened: While helping style Heidi, Connie gets a call from ChaCha about the auction. She has things to discuss, but Connie has it all handled. At least, as far is ChaCha is concerned. She apologizes to Heidi for interrupting their meeting and invites her to the Auction. Heidi says she will come. Well, as long as there’s champagne. She’s into charity as long as it’s served with a side of champagne. She donates a red Chanel bag to the cause… Good thing that bag happened to be sitting right there waiting to go to a new home.
Melissa: Does Connie hit up everyone for clothes? Heidi Dillon now? So are we going to see her as a new cast member next season? Well played though Connie, turning the “interruption” from Deaynni into an opportunity to invite Heidi to the event THEN double back to request an item for the event.
Having Your Cupcakes and Eating Them Too
Rachel’s What Happened: Kalyn is at her new bakery job learning how to frost cupcakes. She’s loving baking… and eating cupcakes. Amber shows up to say hello and collect her reward for hooking Kalyn up with the job; Tyler. Kalyn says she heard that he’s dating someone else. Amber says she’s cool just being friends and suggests that they all go line dancing… which, for those that don’t speak “college girl” means “I’m not at all cool being friends and plan to steal him from whoever this trifling bitch is.” Just here to help, people.
Melissa: I’m thinking that even though Amber wants Tyler, she’s going to be skeeved by the idea of these two dating and head for the hills… and maybe even get Kalyn fired from the bakery.
You’re Joking Right?
Rachel’s What Happened: Leeanne & Heidi are waiting for Pam to start their training session. While she has a minute, Leanne is pushing the gospel of Leslie on Heidi. She’s afraid it’s going to piss off Pam. Heidi says anyone can join the Fashionistas and it’s her world so Pam cannot tell her what to do. That’s right Pam, you’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut! Pam finally shows up and Heidi tells her that her problems with Leslie are just that – her problems. She doesn’t want them interfering with her champagne drinking. There’s no scrutiny in membership and Pam isn’t happy about it. Hey, Pam looks a little refreshed in her interview segments. Hmm… Has Pam been getting some upgrades off-camera?
Melissa: OK, Leeanne and Heidi are clearly jockeying for their spots on the show. So is this why we get to see their conversations? Really, anyone else flashing back to high school with this nonsense? Anywho, they tell Pam Leslie is a Fashionista now. OK, how much does it cost to become one of these chickens?
Wait, Where Do Babies Come From?
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney finally agrees to get tested. She’s going to prove she’s clean… Anyone else think she didn’t look quite 100% convinced that she’s actually clean. She tells her doctor, in front of her mother, that Tyler was her only partner, but they didn’t use any birth control. Only partner ever? Come on. And really no protection at all? Apparently, Whitney didn’t hit any of the smart branches on her way down the family tree. She says she isn’t concerned about getting pregnant because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Sigh…
Melissa: Um, why is Bonnie in the exam room with Whitney? She’s 24 right? I’m so confused by this scene!! Wait, I’m even more confused that Whitney doesn’t use a condom for protection. That is so beyond my understanding that I can feel myself shutting down in confusion. Please tell me Bonnie is going to leave before the pelvic exam, because that will be just too much skeeve for one episode.
Don’t Make Me Hurt You
Rachel’s What Happened: ChaCha shows up at Connie’s store to talk to her about ideas for the party. Connie says she’s cool with where she is and tells ChaCha not to worry about it. Not one to be put off so easily, ChaCha says she wants to take it up a notch this year with a live auction, but Connie isn’t happy about hearing anyone else’s ideas. She’s still not daunted by the bulldog that is Connie and recommends a florist even though Connie likes her florist. That’s right, I’ll see your florist and raise you florist and a live auctioneer. She tells Connie she can’t veto her because they’re co-chairs. Connie gives her her best F-U smiles and says her chair is bigger than ChaCha’s. Ha, game to Connie.
Melissa: Does anyone else not understand Deayanni’s rabid desire to be involved with Connie and the Country Club. I do adore watching these two though!!
Revenge Goes Well With White Whine
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie stops by for a visit and Leslie tells her that she’s a Fashionista now. She tells Bonnie that she told Leeanne about Pam being a loose canon and, even though she’s not that kind of person, she’s going to tell Heidi too. Uh, you’re that person every week. So, she’s decided that she’s going to publicly out her about her plastic surgery and watch Pam go crazy. I love that this is how these women plot to take each other down..
Melissa: Yeah Leslie, you tell on Pam’s plastic surgery and drag her through the mud. Awesome idea.
Enough About Me…
Rachel’s What Happened: Um, does Hannah actually go to school? She’s never actually in California so I’m wondering how that works. I guess Pam does too. She got a charge on her credit card for a 1am restaurant visit. Hannah says it was for a late-night bite after study group. Ha, that’s a good one. Mom isn’t convinced either and says she wants to see her report card. This doesn’t sit well with Hannah who gets all sassy about the request. Um, this is how it works. They pay for school and you show them the proof that their money isn’t going to waste. Sensing the parents aren’t backing down, Hannah tells her mom about the STD rumor about Whitney. Clearly, Hannah is the filter to Pam about what is going on at the club. Pam does feel badly about Whitney. I’m trying to process how this is going to play out, but I’m not sure what Pam’s move is here. Is she really just being nice? Maybe she’s going to use it to drive the wedge back between Bonnie & Leslie to make her feel better. Oh the things women with nothing but time on their hands come up with.
Melissa: OK, so if I tried to roll up to my parents and tell them to leave me alone about school, I wouldn’t have said school paid for any longer. Way to deflect attention with those STD rumors. OK, I’m going to have to give Pam props (and not just because she can shoot a gun) for feeling sympathy for Whitney and the whole situation.
Rachel’s What Happened: Amber, Rachel (Amber’s cousin and Kalyn’s boss), Kalyn & Tyler go line dancing. Amber tries to put the moves on Tyler on the dance floor, but is unaware that her competition is at her table. Kalyn decides to show her how it’s done on the dance floor and takes Tyler out for a spin of her own. Oh yeah, time for things to heat up on the dance floor. Well, this brings new meaning to Boot Scootin’ Boogie. Rachel & Amber are confused by what they’re seeing on the dance floor between “brother & sister”, which of course leads to nasty comments about Kalyn’s physique. Ladies, ladies, this is no time for fat girl jokes. This is the time for incest jokes. Come on, anyone could have figured that out.
Melissa: Here we go… The ass grinding good time!! OK, what’s with Kalyn’s hair? Really, is she channeling Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island? For one of the few times in my life, I am without words I’m so grossed out with this dancing…
Wham, Bam, Thank You, Sis
Rachel’s What Happened: And the party keeps on keepin’ on back at the Verona. Kalyn and Tyler are doing the naked two-step in perfectly-soap-opera-folded, breast-covering sheets (But we’re supposed to believe they didn’t know the cameras were there…). After completing the act, Tyler jumps up and heads off to his room so Leslie doesn’t catch them… And so he doesn’t have to cuddle. How many guys wished they had an excuse to not cuddle post-coital? Anywho, Kalyn says that them hooking up was one thing that led to another. Uh, not really, Kalyn. When you both agree you have feelings for each other, make out in a hot tub and then do the bump & grind on the dance floor, ending up in bed isn’t really something that just unexpectedly happens, ya box of rocks.
Melissa: OMFG and just when I thought the dancing was over the line, we’re smacked in the face by post coital “siblings”. I cannot imagine Leslie right now seeing this scene
Dodged A Bullet
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney comes home from the mall to find her lab report has arrived in the mail. Bonnie reads the results, you know since she’s a scientist and can understand what it says. Happily, Whitney’s negative across the board. Ah, nothing says mother-daughter bonding like sharing in a clean STD panel.
Melissa: OK, I ask WHY Bonnie is reading Whitney’s lab report? Maybe it’s because I did not live at home when I was 24 and my business was MY business that I don’t understand this. I really just don’t understand!!
Drama To The Highest Bidder
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the charity auction and whatever clash of the Titans is planned for the evening. Heidi wants to buy back the bag she donated. She’s having separation anxiety. Well, thankfully, her money is going to charity. It’s the only thing that makes this feel good. Heidi expects her huge bid to be the only drama. Oh, that’s never going to happen… But first, the live auction. First item, a Russian Sable fur stole… I’m shocked PETA hasn’t tried to shut down filming on this show yet. Mr. Scoma has a Hawaiian home he’s offered for a one-week vacation with two first-class airline tickets. Pam wants to ratchet up the price on it just to get the other ladies to pay a lot of money. Oh, Pam, you’re so crazy. Bonnie falls for it and bids $15,000. Uh, I get it’s for charity but $15k for two tickets & a week in a vacation home in Hawaii? Bananas. Ok, let’s get the real show on the road, shall we? Someone start bawling someone else out.
Connie hands ChaCha her Social Chair tiara in exchange for ChaCha’s husband Dan helping her build out her store. Um, he couldn’t work out a gazebo and you’re going to let him build out your store? Great call, Connie. Over on the other side of the party, Kalyn is telling Tyler she wants to go home. But before they can bail, Whitney shows Tyler her STD results and says whatever disease he got he got from Kalyn. Guess Whitney isn’t afraid to cave to others opinions anymore. Kalyn isn’t about to take this lying down – unless it’s Tyler that’s lying down with her – and she tells Whitney that she gives it to him better than Whitney ever did. Uh, no you did not just go there. Hearing what’s going on, Leslie hightails it over there to find out what’s going on. Whitney tells Leslie it was Kalyn who was spreading the news about her STD’s. She says Kalyn “spreaded” it… That’s not all she spreaded. Kalyn still not sensing that she should just shut her mouth tells Leslie that it couldn’t be true since she wasn’t even seeing him then… And there it is. Leslie just got the good news about her son and her goddaughter. Yep, the bag is open and the cat has left the building. While Leslie soaks this all up, Melissa lets her know that she’s enjoying watching Leslie’s karma unfold in front of her. How’s that dirty laundry taste, Leslie?
As if all of this commotion isn’t enough, Bonnie and Pam go at it again about Pam being a cyber-bully. Oh G-d, now we’re back to this? This is so stupid. Bonnie takes Leslie’s thunder and brings up Pam’s plastic surgery. Seems by the smile on Leslie’s face, she’s not sorry that it went down this way. Pam replies with an all-time fave of mine, “You’re the bitch, bitch.” and retreats back to her table where she laughs off the whole thing. Too bad, Heidi has already had enough of the nonsense. Yeah, I’m thinking she may want to put some rules on the whole entry into Fashionistas. Seems a check is no longer enough credit for entry.
Melissa: Oh, the stage is set for an awesome explosion!! Oh my, is Connie going to have to eat her words over the live auction? WOW, Connie, turning over your Social Chair? Yes, nice move trying to get Deaynni’s hubby to build out your store – I’m thinking not your wisest choice though.
WOW Whitney, that’s a full on brilliant move on your part!! I almost want to get on a plane and fly down there to high-five you for getting Kalyn to admit to her and Tyler doing the hibidy dibidy. GENIUS! Oh, and in front of Leslie! Quiet Bonnie, that was getting good with Leslie’s family issues. Why did you have to go and steal that thunder??
Not Under My Roof
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the Verona (I don’t know why I love saying that as much as I do), Leslie tells Kalyn & Tyler that she is embarrassed to find out about them at the club. She asks them if they know how weird it is? Um, clearly even if they do know, they don’t care. Kalyn says they’re not embarrassed and they don’t know why it’s a big deal. Leslie says there will be no more sex going on between them. It’s her home and her rules. One of them is gone if they continue to knock boots. That would be the third week in a row she’s threatened to send one of her kids packing. Tyler says he understands why she’s upset and will obey her rules. Kalyn can’t believe he didn’t rage against the Leslie machine and is hurt that he agreed to her terms. Oh sweetie, you just learned a hard lesson. You gave up the cookie before you were sure he wanted to buy the whole bakery. Take that one to work with you.
Melissa: I don’t know HOW this conversation didn’t happen in the car on the way home… Well, OK, they couldn’t get all the cameras into the car. Fine. I’ll let it slide. Oh, I would totally smack that smug look off Tyler’s face! Kalyn sweetie, she’s allowed to stick her nose in your life when you are living in her house. You don’t want her nose, move out… Just saying, that kinda seems like your only solution.
Rachel: Does no one this show know about birth control? Seriously, Whitney and Tyler played Russian Roulette. And next week, Kalyn tells Tyler her period is late. Let’s all note the common thread in these two stories. Someone tell Tyler to put a jimmy on it before he really knocks someone out. And I say “before” because I looked up the show on Wikipedia where they refer to next week’s episode as Kalyn’s pregnancy “scare”. No one uses the word “scare” if there’s an actual pregnancy. So, thanks to my superior sleuthing skills, I’m going to say that Kalyn is not actually pregnant. You heard it here first, folks.
Melissa: I can barely focus with all that back and forth, but next week Kalyn is “late” (gasp!!)… a.) not shocked, b.) um, why does it seem birth control is not an option for these girls?