Tag Archives: Sherri Shepherd

Dancing With The Stars 14 – The Finale

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s the last dance, last chance, tonight.

Oh yeah, I’ve still got it. Hot, burning, sexy, unstoppable heat right here.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Down to the final three and yes we were conspicuously absent last week.  That’s all on me.  Sometimes life gets in the way and I just wasn’t able to get you our thoughts in time for tonight’s show.  I apologize, but I trust that you all survived the week without our witty banter.   Anywho, it all comes down to tonight’s & tomorrow night’s dances. It’s a really close race and week after week the contestants have brought their A-games.  Can’t wait to see what they’ve got in store for us tonight.

Melissa:  Oh boy… I’m not going to be happy regardless.  I can’t imagine any of these folks losing the mirror ball.  Maybe it’s just my detox shakes (long weekend with my Winey Bitch), but I’m all jittery with excitement to see what these couples have in store for us tonight.  I can hardly wait!!

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Raise Your Glass” by Pink

Rachel’s What Happened:  The first dance tonight is picked by the judges.  Cheryl tells William that a judge will be coming to tell them what dance they will be doing.  William guesses it will be Bruno stopping by, and of course, it is.  There’s no doubt he wouldn’t have let anyone else deliver the news.  Any chance to be close to William… Can’t blame him.  They will be doing the Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says his hip action is sex on legs, but the other two finalists are just as talented.  Yeah, that boy really can work those hips.  He rocks the Cha Cha with no problems.  He was born for this.  Len says loud & proud!  That was as good as he’s ever seen in 14 seasons of Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says that was an intoxicating Cuban cocktail of natural flowing moves.  His hip action leaves him green with envy.  Carrie Ann says the magic is still there and so is the sophistication.  He has grown miles.

Melissa:  Yes, you know Bruno was all-in to help William with his Cha Cha this week… Naughty Boy Bruno.  Oh, I’m liking this cha-cha.  I’ll say it again, William is just meant to shake his hips and ass.  I can’t hate any of that action tonight.  Apparently neither can the judges.  He rocked 10s across the board.

Score:  30

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Paso Doble to “España Cañi” by Erich Kunsel

Rachel’s What Happened:  Len tells them that they are dancing the Paso Doble.  He tells them that this time around they need to temper the aggression with finesse.  Hopefully, this will get her the ten from Len.  OK, it’s rather unfair that this woman is gorgeous, sweet, funny, can sing like an angel and dance like this.  It’s hard to hate her because she’s so adorable and that dance was on point.  Bruno says that was a Paso Doble full of vivid lustrous artistry.  Her shape extended beautifully.  Technical brilliance.  Carrie Ann said it was like watching a prima ballerina.  Every move was perfectly executed.  Len says it was like a buffet of Spanish tapas.  Lots to satisfy your taste buds.  Fabulous.

Melissa:  Oh, mama likes this Paso… Nice and clean, not too much.  Dig that skirt action, Miss K!  Oh, and Maria came to watch… How supportive.  You know she’s totally wishing it was her.  DAY-UM, another perfect score!!

Score:  30

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Argentine Tango to “They” by Jem

Rachel’s What Happened: Carrie Ann tells Donald that he will be dancing the Argentine Tango.  She says what was lacking in their last tango was content in the choreography so don’t waste time with filler.  Make the moves bigger and bring it.  Holy skimpy dress, Peta!  Um, that was hot hot hot.  I have goose bumps.  Carrie Ann says she loved it the first time and she loved it again.  She loved the crispness to his moves.  Len says he felt there was far more content.  He loved the set-up and the intensity.  It was a tad careful but a vast improvement over the last time.  Bruno says he went for the subtle and intimate.  Small in detail but very strong storytelling.  He could read everything in the story and it was very very effective.

Melissa:  Carrie Ann wants his Tango moves to be bigger… And bigger he’ll go.  Oh, and a lift to start things off.  Man this is an awesome Tango.  She’s fantastic with her choreography if you ask me.  I know you didn’t, but this is what I do… Put my 2 cents in.  Isn’t that kinda why you’re here?

Score:  29 – Oh Len, you’re such a pain in the ass!

Time for the freestyle!

William Levy

William and Cheryl freestyle to “Obsession” by Shakira

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cheryl says this is the most important dance of the season.  It will make it or break it.  Cheryl thought he did such a great dance with his Argentine Tango, so she’s going to go for a sexy dance.  Yeah, she knows what the ladies like.  He’s having a hard time with the lifts, but he knows with great risk comes great reward.  Ok, this wasn’t my favorite dance of his.  I feel like they relied too much on him being sexy.  He’s a better dancer than that.  I’m sure I’m alone on this one though.  Len says what he does he does well.  He liked it.  He liked the rhythm changes, but it was too predictable.  All he did was shake his butt and make the women scream.  (See, Len’s with me!)  Bruno says they were like two devils unleashed upon the earth into a Latin extravaganza.  Carrie Ann does the robot and I have no idea why.  She says that it what a freestyle should be.  Then there is some arguing between her & Len, which Tom isn’t interested in hearing since he just talks right over them.  Ha… Love Tom.

Melissa:  Cheryl is working the lifts with William, and he’s a bit, um… Not so great with it all.  But you know how this works… “Oh, I’m not good.”  Then it’s 10s.  OK, that was really wonderfully executed.  That was hot and that’s what the people want to see.  Oh, Len thinks it was too predictable with his butt shaking.  Um Len, that’s what gets the votes my dear… That’s what this is all about, the votes.  And if Carrie Ann is any indication, the ladies like the shaking of the bon-bon as it were.

Score:  29

Night’s Total:  59

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark freestyle to “Sing, Sing, Sing (With A Swing)” by Benny Goodman

Rachel’s What Happened: This is where Mark excels so I’m super excited to see this dance.  Mark says he thinks she’s the most versatile dancer of the bunch so he wants to show that off.  He’s combining so many dances that she has to really just go with it.  There’s no time to think.  Oh we get to hear her sing too!  Awesome.  This dance is so much fun but I wonder if she’s going to get dinged for the flat shoes because she’s not pointing her toes.  Plus, she just muffed the landing on a lift.  But the choreography was awesome.  Bruno says that was a fast and flamboyant tour de force through all ages of swing.  So much content so fast and so well executed.  You were on the money all the way through.  Carrie Ann says she is such a fabulous performer.  She can do anything.  That was the dance of a champion.  Len says if he was dreaming don’t wake him up.  This was a freestyle.

Melissa:  Mark is going to bring out all the stops with his choreography for the freestyle.  She’s still the cutest little pip of a thing.  Oh really, playing up the singing?  This is some legit piece of work, and I LOVE IT!!  That was craziness hopped up on Red Bull… AWESOME!  Yeah, we all saw that perfect score coming, and well deserved, my kiddies!

Score:  30

Night’s Total:  60

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta freestyle to “I Play Chicken with the Train” by Cowboy Troy

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, the song title alone makes me intrigued, but I want Donald to BRING IT on this one.  I know he’s got it in him to rock this out.  And I am solidly Team Donald at this point.  He may have beaten my Steelers in the Super Bowl, but I’m pulling for him anyhow.  They’re going to dance to a country song to push it out of the box and show the judges that he’s more than hip-hop.  I’m super excited for this.  Seriously, you’d think it was my birthday.  And hey, Cowboy Troy is here! Woohoo!  That was amazing!  Too much fun!  Len I’m coming for you if you don’t give him a 10!  Now, THAT’S how you freestyle.  Carrie Ann is out of her chair.  She says this was by far her favorite finals and this was by far her favorite dance tonight!  Len says, in football, catches win matches. And chances win dances.  He came out, charged the field and he took a chance.  Fantastic!  Bruno can’t resist a ride in the wild wild west.  As rides go, this was a country-inspired triumph!

Melissa:  Oh boy, going with the “country” theme.  Well played, Donald.  Oh sh*t and Peta gets a bloody lip to boot.  OK, I’m all-in with Donald still.  This is le-F’ing-git!  Dare I even offer up a 2 Legit 2 Quit… Those lifts were RE-DIC-U-LOUS!!  If that doesn’t get a perfect score, I’m out.

Score:  30 – About damn time!

Night’s Total:  59

Final Final

Rachel’s What Happened: Here it is kids.  The final show.  Last year, we all pretty much knew JR was going to take home the mirror ball trophy, deservedly so.  This yeah, it’s anyone’s game.  All three are incredibly talented… and it’s seriously the best looking top three ever.  That certainly doesn’t hurt.  Though I’m going to hedge my bets and say it will come down to the two guys.  It’s hot Latin Lover vs Packer Nation.  Both very strong fan bases.  I love Katherine, but I’m not sure the votes will be there.

We start with a pro dance that features the eliminated stars from the season.  You know, you gotta give them one last moment in the spotlight before they, for the most part, slip back into obscurity.  And we get to see Tristan one last time.  Did we really need Maks doing a stripper move with his shirt?  No.  We did not.

Donald & Peta get the encore dance and the high praise of Len saying it was one of the best freestyles of all time.

Melissa:   Yep, I’m still 100% team Donald and can’t wait to see him get his mirrorball.  I think he and Peta are a completely brilliant team.  My only problem with the the finale is that it’s a whole 1:55 of fluff for the 10 seconds to hear who won.  Well, let me just put this out there:  If it’s not Donald, I’ll refuse to watch next season, and there isn’t anything that other Winey Bitch can do about it.  OK, maybe her awesome sangria could convince me…

Sherri is back and gets her moment to shine.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Normally, we know I hate wasting time on this show, but I’m not mad at bringing back Sherri Shepherd to give us a little “It’s Raining Men”.  She’s just a good time always.  However, I’m less thrilled with Jack Wagner.  OMG do we really have to go through the entire season?  We all watched!  We’re clear on what happened.  I don’t need to relive any of the dances.  Certainly not Melissa and Maks.  And I most definitely to not need a freestyle from Roshon & Chelsea.  What I need are my last dances from the final three and some Mirror Ball Trophy presentation.  Blah blah blah… Kelly Clarkson… blah blah blah… more flashbacks.  Grrr…

An hour & 15 minutes in they actually start with the finale.  What a waste of my time.

Melissa:  HA, I loves me some Sherri too, but as much as I love her, I could do without this number, thought I adore the Weather Girls.  Why do we have to bring back the people voted off?  We got rid of them… Why are they back other than for me to see some Tristan again and kill the clock.

William Levy 

William & Cheryl dance the Salsa to “Juventud de Presente” by Tito Puente

Rachel’s What Happened: Cheryl is sad to be dancing her last dance with William because he’s been such an inspiration to her.  Yeah, that’s why you’re sad.  Just admit you’ve enjoyed rubbing up against that body.  We won’t be mad at you.  We’ll all wink & nod in womanly understanding. William has enjoyed his time too.  Yeah, you got yourself a role on a TV show.  And we’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know you, sir.  Happy times for everyone! William’s last dance showcases what he does best, shake those hips.  Oh, he does it so well.  I think I’ll miss that most of all.  Len says if salsa & rhythm were in the Olympics, he’d have a gold medal.  He’s been a fan since Week 1 & he’s gotten more 10s from Len than anyone.  The reason is because he deserved them.  Bruno says when it comes down to hot, sexy salsa, hips don’t lie.  Nobody does it better than William.  Carrie Ann says he’s heated up the ballroom with his passion and his presence.  But what makes him so special is that he has true star quality.

Melissa:  OK, again, I do love William shakin’ what his Mama gave him.  I’m a big girl and have no problem admitting it.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Jive to “Splish Splash” by Bobby Darin

Rachel’s What Happened:  Jiving makes Katherine really happy.  Love that.  Really, she’s too cute.  Hate her.  And by hate, I mean love.  It’s a very confusing situation for me.  So let’s just watch her dance, shall we?  Another fabulous dance by Miss Katherine.  She knows how to pull off cutesy without making it schmaltzy.  She nailed all the moves.  Great way to go out.  Bruno says she’s the girl that has it all.  She truly is one of the most wonderful competitors they’ve ever had.  A truly stunning dancer.  Carrie Ann says it’s true.  She is such a brilliant artist.  She thinks they are the ones that set the bar so high.  Len says she is the complete package.

Melissa:  Aw.  Again, she’s just the cutest little button of a girl.  So sweet.  If William is meant for the Latin dances, this girl is meant for the upbeat Jives.

Score:  30

Total:  90 of 90

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Beggin” by Madcon

Rachel’s What Happened:  Donald is tired during rehearsal and isn’t feeling in top form.  But he knows this dance will make them or break them, so he knows he has to push through.  It’s bittersweet for him because he will miss the memories he’s made in the dance studio.  Ooh Lawd, Donald shirtless.  Yes, please!  It takes a real man to pull off hot pink pants and he does.  He also pulls off the dance in flawless fashion.  He’s got us all “Beggin'”.  Carrie Ann says he’s a fierce competitor.  It’s his intensity.  It’s his passion.  She can see his love for the show and his determination to win.  She thinks he’s the one to beat.  Len says no one is a loser tonight.  They’ve had some great footballers on this show in the past, but he is the best.  (Hey now!)  Bruno says another massive hit by Donald the Magnificent.  He really has had the strategy of champion.  He took the comments and improved week after week.  He peaked at the right time.

Melissa:  I’m still Team Donald tonight. I’ve backed my horse in this race, so come on you two!!  Gotta say, I’m not gonna hate that he’s comfortable with his shirt off.  Then again, any man built like that better be comfortable.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

The First Elimination

The final three couples wait to find out who will be eliminated first.

Rachel’s What Happened: So, Gladys came back and sang for us first while we saw images of the final three from the season on the big screens.  That was lovely.  I can’t be mad at that. And Katherine getting misty is making me misty.  Stop it!  But it’s time to find out who’s going home and who’s going on to the Final Two.  I’m nervous… I really wish they could all win… And I’m so not that girl.  But they all truly deserve it.  Unfortunately, William & Cheryl are the first to leave the ballroom, which is a bit funny considering she is the only that looks confident in the picture above.  Aw, his son is so upset.  Sweet thing.

Melissa:  William and Cheryl get their 3rd place and his poor little boy is crying for Daddy.

The Moment…

It’s down to the Donald & Peta and Katherine & Mark. One of these couples is moments away from the Mirror Ball Trophy.

Rachel’s What Happened: Oh boy… Here we go.  I’m pulling for Donald here.  Again, I think they all deserve it, but I so want him to have it.  He wants it so badly.  And he really brought it every week.  Who knew there was so much smoothness in that massive body.  Then again, Katherine is so flawless… Ah!  This is torture!  Just tell us…

And the winner is… Donald Driver!  And he goes to the floor.  LOL… He’s awesome.  OMG, I’m such a mess… I’m totally crying.  That little crying baby of his is beyond too cute too.  And to see him with his wife is so great.  They rock.  Yay!

Melissa:  YES!!  My boy Donald gets his Mirrorball Trophy for the mantel!!  I knew my bedazzled jersey would be just what he needed.

Donald & Peta hoist the Mirrorball Trophy in celebration of their victory.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Ah, good times.  Good times.  What a great season.  To think that just a few seasons ago, I refused to watch this show and now I’m sitting her blubbering like a fool.  Those producers are going to have a really hard time duplicating this season’s magic next season.  I hope they’ve already started making some phone calls.

Melissa:  Wow, for real that was an amazing season – one I won’t soon forget.  WOW, they seriously need to step it up like crazy for the fall to keep me anywhere near as entertained as I was this season.


Dancing With The Stars 14 – Week 4 & Results

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s Rock Night and KISS is ready to lose whatever last shreds of dignity they have left.

Doing complex math equations in her head, no doubt.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  There is part of me that is excited for Rock Week because that means there should be some pretty interesting outfits and edgy choreography.  The other part of me knows how badly they’re going to butcher these rock songs and I’m already scared to hear them.  It’s going to painful.  I mean I know it costs a fortune to pay for the rights to a lot of those songs, but there has to be a way to do a better job at the remakes.  Maybe I should wear earplugs tonight… though it might be tough to report what the judges have to say….

Melissa:  Yeah, I’m with my partner here that we’re going to hear ballroom interpretations of rock songs that will rival (I’m sure) any musak we get stuck with in the elevator at the doctor’s office.  Wait, KISS is playing along with the band this week too??  As my little boy would say… WHAT THE??

KISS

KISS still wants to rock 'n roll all night and party every day... it's just a lot harder on bad hips and arthritic knees.

Rachel’s What Happened:  KISS has never shied away from any kind of publicity but this might be the pinnacle of selling out.  I’m going to venture to say that there about 3 KISS fans that watch this show.  I’m actually embarrassed for them.  Wait, there are men in unitards… dancing to KISS… on my TV.  Right now.  This is all sorts of wrong.  Somewhere a Mayan spirit is going, “Told you 2012 was the end of the world”.  And now the judges are making Spinal Tap referencing by turning it to 11.  Oh yeah, the apocalypse will be televised.  I will never make the rocker sign of the devil again after watching this.

Melissa:  Really, Kiss??  Um, OK.  No offense to the boys, but I imagine my Dad singing at this point those fellas are so old.

Sherri Shepherd

Sherri & Val dance the Tango to "Cum On Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot

Rachel’s What Happened:  They’re not Tango-ing to quiet riot.  They’re not.  I refuse to believe it.  Uh Val, if you can’t name the band, you don’t love the song.  Oh and Sherri, don’t tell him you love his chest.  Please.  Though I kinda think Sherri’s personality makes him a bit adorable.  A bit, I said.  And I reserve the right to change my mind at any time he annoys me.  OK, I know the Tango is this super serious dance but this is totally cracking me up.  How is she keeping a straight face?  They’re dancing to Quiet Riot… Come one! This is hilarious!  They get points just for not cracking a smile.  Len says there was a little incident with the feet but overall it was a good job.  Bruno says he loves it when she’s mean & moody.  Great attitude but it needs to be a bit sharper.  Carrie Ann says it was good but it was missing her exuberance.  Change it to passion.  Hmmm… don’t agree with that one.

Melissa:  Tango to Quiet Riot??  Really?  OK, and of course we get Val’s chest.  Way to turn Val’s comment around on him, Sherri, “Did you call me fat??” – I totally do that all the time – love you woman!  Sweet Mary and Joseph!  Really, who came up with this idea?  For real, who, because I have a bone to pick with  this malarkey?  Len’s still in a good mood this week, at least with Sherri.

Score – 21

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Paso Doble to "Time Is Running Out" by Muse

Rachel’s What Happened:  Mark says she needs to be the Welsh Warrior this week because they are doing the Paso Doble.  So he takes her cage fighting.  Um, you’re putting that little tiny thing in the cage with those men?  Mark says that was to teach her technique but I think it was a ploy to watch her jumblies bounce around.  Oh Lord, what did they do to this song?  I’m not feeling this dance.  Technically it’s not bad, but I’m just not digging it.  Bruno says she unleashed a whirlwind of fury but it has to retain definition.  Carrie Ann says she wasn’t on her feet.  The intensity was there but it threw her off the footing.  Len says it had promise but it didn’t quite deliver.

Melissa:  OK, so I’m kinda digging the Paso, but still… SO silly this week.  Let’s just let ballroom be pretty shall we?  I also don’t like that crazy rhino ‘do they gave her.  However, I wish I looked that awesome in a catsuit.

Score – 24

Jaleel White

Jaleel & Kym dance the Tango to "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones

Rachel’s What Happened:  Kym says they are dancing to Mick Jagger and Jaleel has Jagger lips.  Um, ok.  There was no rock in Jaleel’s house growing up so he’s unfamiliar with Mick Jagger.  How is that possible?  I mean I believe his mother didn’t play the Stones but how can you be an adult and not know who Mick Jagger is?  And BTW, it’s The Rolling Stones unless I missed Mick’s solo career.  Jaleel says that Mick Jagger had a George Jefferson walk.  OMG… That’s hilarious and so true!  How did no one put that together before today?  Seems Jaleel is in a better mood this week since their “alleged” fight.  You know, now that he’s put Stephan Urquelle back in the box.  His feet look good tonight.  I’m liking it.  Much better than the first Tango of the night.  Carrie Ann loved it.  Try just to be a little more staccato.  Len liked the humor and that he spun on his bum.  It needed more attack though.  Bruno liked the Jagger beginning but it was a little underpowered.  More drive in the footwork.

Melissa:  LOL, Mick Jagger had a George Jefferson walk… How awesome was that?  Love it Jaleel!!  OK, so here’s the thing about this show that I disagree with… They try to take songs that clearly should not be covered and try to turn them ballroom.  Now I don’t necessarily love the Stones, but Satisfaction… Really?  I think that’s worse that Justine Bateman’s version… Yeah folks, Google that one and you’ll agree 100% with me.

Score – 22

Melissa Gilbert

Melissa & Maks dance the Paso Doble to "Conquest" by The White Stripes

Rachel’s What Happened:  Maks tells Melissa to get ready because the Paso Doble has a lot of passion and power.  Melissa says she’s always been the good girl but underneath she’s really a bad girl.  Don’t want to know that.  OK, I knew it was coming… Maks and the yelling.  It was only a matter of time before rehearsals became Dictator Chmerkovskiy time.  He asks her to please not step on his jewels.  No, please do. Oh come on, please don’t mess with the White Stripes!  Ugh…  Melissa looks so uncomfortable and unsure of what’s coming next in this dance.  Like she can’t quite keep up.  She kinda picked it up at the end but him falling didn’t help.  Len liked it but thought she seemed unsure.  She attacked the dance and he doesn’t care that Maks fell.  Bruno loved the flavor of Spain but she messed up the ending.  She does better when she does the slow part, but she needs to keep up with the dance.  Carrie Ann thought it was her best by far.  But when she’s in hold, she doesn’t consider herself equal.  Find the balance.

Melissa:  Did she just say there’s a bad girl in there?  Um, really… Where is it half-pint?  OK, I’m digging this Paso.  I want to snark, but I just can’t…. For real, that was great and strong.  Well until Maks fell at the end.

Score – 22

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Paso Doble to "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix

Rachel’s What Happened:  I love that Peta is secure enough to not wear make-up on camera.  She’s still really pretty without it.  And Donald is shirtless.  Holy chocolate thunder!  I’m laughing hard at him dancing in Peta’s sweater though.  She’s making him wear it so he can learn to dance with a cape.  Sweet Mary!  I may have to rewind this dance.  Smoking hot.  Sa-moking.  That was unreal.  Wow.  Just wow.  And by wow, I mean wow.  Oh boy, Bruno is on fire… Here it comes.  Great guns Donald!  Muscular, masculine, magnificent!  Carrie Ann says that was the most psychedelic, sexy, bizarre, raunchy hot dance.  That goes down as one of the most memorable moments of the season.  Len never thought he’d get excited seeing a man with his shirt off.  Without doubt, his best dance.

Melissa:  Of course Donald’s physique is going to make an impact.  I applaud the shirtless decision… Um, yes… Yes I do!  OK, but I have to ding the band… again, you don’t try to try to rock something like Jimi Hendrix.  I DO however like Donald rocking his physique.  I loved this performance, he totally just had fun with that and killed it – and the judges agree.

Rachel:  There was a band?

Score – 27

Gladys Knight

Gladys & Tristan dance the Tango to "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Rachel’s What Happened:  This week Gladys says she’s gonna be a real slut… Well, alrighty then.  Rock on with your bad slutty self, lady.  She says she’s the grandma of rock-n-roll, and if she doesn’t dance right on this, they may take her induction into the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame away.  Never lady.  Never.  She’s gonna get nasty tonight.  Oh I can’t wait for this.  The judges singing the big screen like Queen in the original video is a genius touch.  The dance, however, isn’t quite as genius, though the second half took it up a notch when the drums kicked in.  Carrie Ann says it was her most ambitious routine.  There’s no rhythm until the second half, but it just didn’t come together.  Len says good job with the choreography.  Gladys coped well with it.  Needs to be more crisp though.  Not her best.  Not her worst.  Bruno says it was the most difficult song to pick.  You have to adapt at each section but because of that it lacked a little bit of impact.  But she did a great job.

Melissa:  You know I have all the love in the world for Gladys, and Tristan… And I adore her enthusiasm for this!  The footwork got a bit missed in a few spots, but I liked it, and I thought the choreography itself was great.

Score – 20

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Jive to "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister

Rachel’s What’s Happened: Cheryl says they are dancing to Twisted Sister.  William wants to know what she’s calling his sister? Seems William needs some hair band education so Cheryl brings in LA cover band Steel Panther.  I love that he’s meeting them.  They’re an LA institution.  And they got him into leopard hot pants.  Excellent move, Steel Panther.  William is rocking this dance, but I think he rocks everything.  Len will love the flicks.  Well, then there was that little whoopsie in the middle where he & Cheryl missed a lift, and then it all goes wonky a bit.  But if Maks isn’t penalized then neither should he be.  And he threw an ass smack in… Always a crowd pleaser.  Len said it went long and they lost timing at the end part.  He’s gotta nail the routines.  Bruno says his performance always rocks the house, but he has to nail it.  Carrie Ann says he uplifts the room and the audience goes crazy but he has to nail the routines.  So, I think what they’re saying is that he has to nail it.

Melissa:  OK, so Wiliam knows nothing about 80’s hair bands.  I’ll forgive you William.  OMFG, really this version of the song??  DWTS people, you’re killing me with these redic interpretations of “rock”.  I was so distracted by the horrible music I almost didn’t see that horrible misstep… And the many to follow.  Again, this is why I say ballroom should be pretty and not try to dance to music they aren’t meant to dance to.

Score – 22

Roshon Fegan

Roshon & Chelsea dance the Waltz to "The Time of My Life" by David Cook

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh this kid again.  Chelsea says he’s going to have to take the wet noodle and make it refined – work the technique.  Not the Technics.  DJ’s get that joke.  I really find this kid so annoying.  Wait, is this a rock song?  I mean if you’re going slow it should have to be a power ballad.  Like “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake.  Or “Is This Love” by Whitesnake.  Really, anything Whitesnake will do.  But David Cook?  No.  Dance wasn’t bad.  Bruno said he is flying high.  Beautiful flowing movement.  Carrie Ann said it was like watching the climax of a Disney movie. Don’t say climax & Disney in the same sentence. Len says good job, Dog.  Roshon is now dancing like MJ all over the stage. Stop it.

Melissa:  Why does he have to rap every week?  OK, I’ll give props where they are due… This was a pretty Waltz.  Why?  Because they didn’t try to “rock” it up.  That was pretty.  Totally didn’t fit with the rest of the rock theme of the week, but I’ll take it.

Score – 26

Maria Menounos

Maria & Derek dance the Tango to "School's Out" by Alice Cooper

Rachel’s What Happened:  Maria is having some foot issues and goes to the doctor.  She has bruises on her bones and a stress fracture.  Yikes.  They don’t want her to dance and break the foot.  She refuses to quit the competition so stress fracture be damned!  She’s got a Tango to do!  That’s some nice dancing for a girl with a bum foot.  Carrie Ann says they have incredible chemistry.  She couldn’t take her eyes off of them.  Len says on occasion it lost a bit of control.  Her posture is the tops in holds though.  Bruno says it had beauty and sex appeal.  The top line is the best.  That was brilliant.

Melissa:  OK, I like this dance… I think if you’re going to do the rock theme, you pay homage to it, and give it a nod here and there but you keep the integrity of the dance in tact.

Score – 26

Gavin DeGraw

Gavin & Karina dance The Tango to "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones

Rachel’s What Happened:  I love watching Gavin’s rehearsals.  He’s pretty damn funny… though looks as if Karina isn’t as amused as the rest of us.  But it makes me hope he sticks around longer. Hey! Maybe the Tango is Gavin’s dance.  He’s doing a pretty good job.  I like it.  Len liked it.  It had flair and attitude.  His posture wasn’t great though and it made his bum stick out.  Bruno said he was very determined and focused but his frame was bad.  Was like watching a turtle at times.  Carrie Ann felt like she was watching Johnny Depp; he was so in character.  She thought his posture was strange but he had intention behind his moves.

Melissa:  Again with the Stones… You can’t do it justice!!  It was a nice tango.  I don’t know if it’s enough to get him big numbers, but numbers he’ll get.

Score – 23

Results Show

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, it’s time to find out whose rock performance is gonna roll them out of the competition.  Sorry, sometimes I just can’t help the puns.  It’s genetic.  I get it from my father; the King of Puns.  But before we can get to results, KISS has to entertain us one more time.  Please let it be one more time.

The first two couple that are up for elimination tonight are Melissa & Maks and Gavin & Karina.  Melissa, having allegedly hit her head and suffering from a concussion is home resting, so Maks is repping on his own.  He & Melissa are safe.  And in more shocking news, so is Gavin. That makes me happy.

But what makes me happier than that… Donald gets the encore dance.  Yep, just as hot the second time around.

Second group up for elimination:  Maria & Derek, Gladys & Tristan and Jaleel & Kym.  All are safe as well.  Um, I know they said it’s a shocking bottom 2… And after this, I’m starting to worry about William and Donald.  And Sherri.

Oh I love Gotan Project.  And that Argentine Tango between Karina and guest dancer Jose Manuel Carreno was amazing.  Hot hot hot.

Up next:  Roshon & Chelsea and Donald & Peta.  Don’t even try and put Donald in the bottom two… Whew, it’s Roshon… Which means Katherine, William or Sherri is also in the Bottom 2.  That’s not cool.  None of them deserve to be there.

So let’s see who is unfairly in the bottom two this week… Katherine and William are safe which means Sherri is in the bottom two.  That ain’t cool.  Roshon had better be going home…

Disappointing results... Sherri is going home.

Noooooo!  Oh come on!  How is that possible????  Again, we know I don’t vote, but that aside, this is some BS.  So sad to see her go.  She was so much fun.  Damn…

Melissa:  It’s night 2 of Rock and Roll week and I’m hoping for a shirtless William vs. Donald face- off this week to make up for the poor musical selections I’ve sat through… Well, really let’s just let the boys stand there looking good.  I’m fine with that too.  Hopefully I’ll manage to stay awake this week.

I’m a big fan of Gotan Project and this amazing tango Karina and Jose Manuel Carreno are performing.  This is almost making up for “Rock Week”.  I would love a Tango week… how awesome would that be?

Oh No they didn’t send Sherri home!!  That is NOT COOL Dancing.  Not cool at all… I’ll have to seriously consider my return next week. <foot stomp/arm-cross/pout>  You done pissed off this Winey Bitch.

Bottom Line:

Melissa:   Oh HELL YEAH, next week is Latin Week.  OK, maybe I’ll stick around one more week for that.  But only that!  <re-stomp/re-arm-cross/re-pout>  Oh and the dance offs are on!

Rachel: Yeah, as mad as I am about  Sherri going home, I too am excited for Latin Week.  That’s a lot of William hip action to look forward to.  And I’m curious about the dance-off that they’re throwing at us.  It’s a morbid curiosity but a curiosity nonetheless.  

Dancing With The Stars 14 – Week 3 Results

One-Sentence Summary:  The second star goes home and the Two Winey Bitches fail to see it go down…

What Happened:

It came down to Gavin DeGraw and Jack Wagner in the Bottom 2. Seems the charm won out over the choppers as Jack was bounced.

Melissa:  Another night with of tears (Even more with my bitch having gone home.  Yes, we are slightly codependent.  It works for us.) reliving the memorable year stories our stars have, and the dreaded elimination round.  The office manager at my doctor’s office thinks it will be Gavin, unfortunately, but she hopes she’s wrong… Just in case you’re interested…

… and then it was 5am.  I completely passed out just after the intro of the elimination episode.  What can I say, it was along weekend with my Winey Bitch.

Turns out it was NOT Gavin, but Jack Wagner and Anna eliminated this week, which I’m OK with because he kept making me think of some strange universe where everyone looks like a vague version of themselves crossed with Dick Van Dyke.

Rachel:  My story isn’t much better.  I spent the better part of the evening en route to Florida from New Jersey with some quality time on the tarmac in Atlanta waiting for more fuel.  How does Delta not know how much fuel it takes to get from ATL to FLL?  There was also a mechanical issue, which turns out meant they couldn’t figure out how to turn on the in-flight television.  I don’t think ABC is an option in-flight, but I still blame Delta for not seeing the elimination.

I had every intention of watching on DVR when I got home, but turns out my mom showed up at the wrong airport to pick me up.  That really happened.  So, while I waited for my dad to save me with the Hail Mary pick-up, I couldn’t help but Google the results.  Well, I looked on Yahoo but no one says they Yahoo’d something.  Anyway, having seen that Choppers was eliminated, I skipped watching all the hullabaloo.  Lazy?  Yes.  Honest?  That too.  Can’t say I’m sad to see him go.  Mostly because it means Gavin and his hat stay.

Bottom Line:

Well, both Winey Bitches dropped the ball this week.  But coming off 5 straight days of cheese & wine binging, it isn’t surprising.  In fact, it should be admired.  It’s hard work clogging arteries and battering kidneys.

Dancing With The Stars 14 – Week 3

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s time to hear the stars share stories about their most meaningful year and watch them dance in honor of them.

Oh William Levy, you will be mine by the end of this season.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  So it’s time for the story of our lives.  I swear if Jack Wagner dances to All I Need, I may have to change the channel.  Though now that I think about it, I may have actually had that album; at least the 45.  That’s the old fashioned version of a CD for those out there that don’t actually remember when we listened to music on vinyl.  Wait, maybe I’m thinking of Rick Springfield… Well, they were both on General Hospital so it could be either one really.

BTW, I’m watching the cast come down the stairs and there’s a lot of chest happening already.  What’s going on with that?  Do all the men think they’re going to compete with William Levy?  Got news for them, ain’t happening.  Besides if you ask me, it’s really his booty that’s rocking the dance floor.  And that, my friends, you can’t compete with by opening a few extra buttons on your shirt.  Though you can try… Don’t let me stop you. 

Melissa:  This week we have the “year of my life dance”… Which well to be honest, I don’t care for this ho-ha.  I’m really not a fan of this new element, but I have my lovely partner in crime sitting next to me, an empty cake plate and The Spur red wine in my glass… It’s a lovely night.  Bring on the cheese.

Jack Wagner

Jack & Anna dance the Samba to "Lighting Up the Night" by himself

Rachel’s What Happened:  His most memorable year is 2011I think it’s the weird teeth that’s freaking me out.  I just can’t wrap my head around what’s weird about his face, but it’s something and it’s driving me crazy.  Anywho, his year last year is the most amazing.  He met his daughter for the first time at a concert in Florida when she showed up and introduced herself.  She hugged him and he just knew she was his daughter.  Notice how he never mentions the DNA test… I guess that’s not super sexy.  So he will be dancing to one of his songs about celebrating life.  Wait, if this is his song, why isn’t he singing it?  I don’t mean live.  I mean the recording.  And why do they keep putting him in orange?  It’s not good.  Len says he had some happy pills and is in a good mood.  He liked the rhythm especially in the hips.  He thought it was a great mix of steps and his best dance this season.  Bruno says he got the party started.  He was really on top of the driving beat.  Timing was much much better.  Carrie Ann was worried because she was “crying in his package” (Um, “in” his package?) but he totally uplifted the room.  There was something effervescent about him.  Yeah, his package apparently.

Melissa:  He met his daughter at a “concert” in Florida?  WHA??  Why is it I don’t know of this?  Ugh, and of course he has to dance to one of his songs… riiiight.  OK, I’m totally not a fan of this, and I don’t recognize this as his song. Then again, I don’t really know anything past that horrid “All I Need”.  Thankfully, Len had a few happy pills before the show, because I didn’t care for this one.

Score – 24

Maria Menounos

Maria & Derek dance the Rumba to "Material Girl" by Madonna

Rachel’s What Happened: 1988 – She tells us that her family were immigrants from Greece and they worked as janitors at all the local clubs.  She would go to work with them and play Material Girl on the jukebox.  That song made her dream big.  It’s a lovely story but I’m not super moved by Madonna inspiring her.  Sorry.  And what does it mean her parents did a gross job raising her?  I’m confused, but I think it’s still sweet in some way that I don’t fully understand. What. The. Hell.  This song might be the worst remake in the history of remakes but the dance is hot hot hot.  I fully reject the music but dammit if she didn’t rock it… though I’m feeling like there wasn’t enough actually dancing.  Bruno says he felt it.  It was fluid and melodic which was amazing to do with no beat in the song.  Carrie Ann said that was the vertical and horizontal expression of the true horizontal desire.  Say what?  Len says it was a mix of ballroom and bedroom.  Technique was really good.  A tad bit hesitant but overall a beautiful dance.

Up in the contestants area, Brooke asks her about her wresting match the night before.  Wait, she’s a wrestler?  Really?  Uh, ok.  That’s random.

Melissa:  OK, so she went to clean with her parents, but why that year?  I don’t get it?  Maybe I’m over-thinking Dancing, so I’ll give it up.  Wait, that’s not the only thing I don’t get… How is Material Girl, of all songs, done ala elevator music.

Score – 27

Gladys Knight

Gladys & Tristan dance the Foxtrot to "Cupid" by Sam Cook

Rachel’s What Happened:1957 – This is the year she did her first tour with the Pips along side James Brown, Jackie Wilson, & Sam Cook.  Now, that’s a year.  I tell you that Tristan is so cute.  Seriously.  I want to sop him with a biscuit.  I’m not sure it was the best technically but I can’t stop smiling when she dances.  That’s got to count for something, no?  Carrie Ann said her frame improved and it was elegant.  It was sensuous and soulful.  Len says they’re the same age (They’re both 68 this year) but the work & dedication it takes to do this show, he couldn’t do it and he admires her for it.  The frame was better this week.  Can he please be a Pip?  Bruno says she has such grace.  She was absolutely gorgeous.

Melissa:  1957 was the first tour for Gladys and The Pips – FYI Maria… That’s how you pick a year.  OK, you all know I loves me Tristan, and this is just a sweet dance to a great song. I’m flashing back to hanging out with my Dad in the garage while he was woking on his car, and I’m totally all bought in for the song and the dance – you go you two!!  I agree with Bruno, she is grace!

Score – 24

Roshon Fegan

Roshon & Chelsea dance the Samba to "I Want You Back" by The Jackson 5

Rachel’s What Happened:  1996 – This was the first time he saw Michael Jackson live in concert and it made him know he could chase his dream at such a young age.  Chelsea brings in Michael’s choreographer to rehearsals, which is pretty cool.  We’ll see if he can manage to make the Samba work while adding the MJ moves.  You know I would like this kid more if he didn’t like himself so much.  I don’t know.  I just can’t get behind him and the dance was too much Jackson and not enough Samba, in my opinion.  Len said he liked the flair and the devil may care attitude, but he would have liked to seen more traditional samba in there. (See!)  Bruno said MJ would love it and so does he.  Carrie Ann thought it was a great tribute but she agrees with Len.  The MJ moves threw him off-beat a few times.

Melissa:   OK, I really don’t have any snark on the MJ thing.  It was a good dance to one of my fave Jackson 5 tunes.  I will say I was happy he didn’t bust out with a moonwalk this time around.

Score – 25

Gavin DeGraw

Gavin & Karina dance the Rumba to "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel

Rachel’s What Happened: 1998 –  Gavin & his family went to a Billy Joel concert, and afterwards, he knew that was what he wanted to do.  “Then that’s what you’ll do,” said his father.  The support he got from his family really was what propelled him to try.  After moving to New York, he couldn’t find a gig anywhere until his father showed up and went door to door to find him a place to play.  OK, that’s an amazing story.  Love it.  Whoa!  The hat’s off!  The hat’s off!  Put the hat back on!  BTW, I love me some old school Billy Joel and I’m liking this kid more every week.  His dancing is better this week but there’s also way less footwork he has to deal with.  Bruno says he has hips and he can move them.  He exteneded his arms but he has to watch his turns.  Carrie Ann got caught off-guard because her heart is all fluttery about him.  There was something sexy & sensual about the way he moved.  She has Gavin fever.  Len said the rumba is so slow and every detail shows.  He says he had good hips and arms.  He saw progression this week.

Melissa:  OK, so their Rumba wasn’t bad considering he didn’t really move too much.  I seriously think all the judges are taking their happy pills this week.  Am I the only one who doesn’t understand all these redic high scores?  I mean yeah, they were good.  But really, where is there to go from this week?

Score – 24

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Waltz to "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban

Rachel’s What Happened:  1996 – This is the year she found out her dad had lung cancer.  She was 15 when she was pulled out class to say good-bye to her dad.  He was in a coma & in hospice.  Wow, this story is killing me.  Yep, crying like a baby right now.  I really can’t stand Josh Grobin though.  OK, seriously, this girl can do no wrong.  The routine was so beautiful. Not sure anyone is going to be able to beat her if she keeps this up.  Carrie Ann said her dad is smiling down.  It was magic.  An amazing moment.  Len says it was danced with grace & elegance.  There wasn’t quite enough dancing in the ballroom hold, which annoys him because she’s so great in the ballroom hold.  The bottom line is that she’s a wonderful dancer.  Bruno says it was sensational.

Melissa:  Oh man, that’s just horrible.  I really do want to hate her… Such an amazing voice, so sweet and pretty… So unfair.  Alas though I cannot, I think she’s as cute as a button!  That was just lovely.  Really, I adore these two and their dancing.

Score – 29

Sherri Shepherd

Sherri & Val dance the Rumba to "If I Could" by Regina Belle

Rachel’s What Happened: 2005 – Her son, Jeffrey, was born prematurely at 25 weeks weighing 1lb 10oz.  The prognosis was that he’d have Cerebral Palsy and be paralyzed.  She didn’t know how she could go out and make people laugh when this was happening.  But her son is a miracle and is neither sick nor paralyzed.  It’s a lot of pressure for her to dance for Jeffrey.  He taught her how to smile again.  Ok, this show is working me tonight.  Crying like a baby again.  I’m not even mad at Val’s chest this week.  That’s how much the story has weakened the sarcasm in me.  The dance itself was OK, but you know I love Sherri.  Len said it was really heartfelt.  He thought she did a great job with the triple spins.  Well done.  Bruno says mama can move.  It was very deeply felt and very well expressed.  Great job.  Carrie Ann said she’s just so true to herself.  The lines were the best she’s seen.

Melissa:  Oh my!!  As a mom of a 29-week preemie, I totally get it and am welling up just thinking about everything she’s going to put into this dance.  I find myself rooting for her and this dance.  She could fall flat on her ass, take Val down with her and anyone else near them and I still want 10s!  Man, my soft underbelly is all over the place tonight for these folks!  I must be getting sick and it’s sapping me of my snark!  That was a pretty Rumba, not great, but you know what… I don’t care.  I’m all about Team Sherri after this dance.

Score – 24

Melissa Gilbert

Melissa & Maks dance the Jive to "The Dog Days Are Over" by Florence & The Machine

Rachel’s What Happened: 2010 – She was on tour with the Little House On The Prairie Musical… Wait, back up.  There was a musical version of Little House?  What on earth was that like?  I swear Michael Landon must be turning over in his grave.  Anyway, the year is significant because she slipped, fell and hurt her back.  She couldn’t walk, let alone dance, so it’s a miracle she’s here.  And she’s crying again.  Man, I’ve never seen a woman cry so much around Maks and him have nothing to do with it.  He’s actually been likable so far this season…. and it’s freaking me out.  The dance is OK.  The footwork was good but her arms were sloppy.  Bruno said she’s on a mission to put the raunch in the jive.  The opening sequence was excellent.  Carrie Ann loved it.  She was so dynamic.  She is a survivor.  Len said she has come into the competition.  Um, what are they smoking tonight?

Melissa:  Did she just say “Little House on the Prairie Musical”?  I’m assuming it was an off-Broadway production… Like Ada, Oklahoma off-Broadway.  I’m still feeling a bit off with this dance, but since the judges are in such good moods tonight, I’m sure she’ll get the standard 24 of the night.

Score – 24

Jaleel White

Jaleel & Kym dance the Rumba to "For the Cool in You" by Babyface

Rachel’s What Happened: 1994-This is the year he played his character Steve Urkel’s alter-ego, Stefan Urquelle.  The producers saw a man in him that he didn’t even know existed.  It showed him that he had more to offer the world than the geeky kid he was known as.  Man, that Kym really does have to be half-naked for every dance, doesn’t she?  Anyway, Jaleel’s a really good dancer, but I think there’s something too casual about his execution.  I liked it though.  Carrie Ann says that it was good and he is back in the game.  He has the Gregory Hines thing going on. (Now, that’s a huge compliment.)  Len says it was very competent.  He has to get the melody to come out in his upper body.  Bruno says it was played cool and smooth.  It has to be fluid and Len is right about the arms.

Melissa:  Hey now… That was pretty sexy hot business going on.

Score – 25

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Salsa to "La Vida es un Carnaval" by Celia Cruz

Rachel’s What Happened: 1995 – He chose the year he came to the United States because you have no future in Cuba.  It doesn’t matter how hard you work, you can’t make a living.  You get bread every day and live on $20 a month.  His father was a political prisoner and was granted asylum in the US, which is how he came to America.  He saw apples for the first time and was hooked.  Yeah, I got your apples right here, William.  Sorry, I can’t help myself.  And I will tell you that the Two Winey Bitches cheered out loud when Cheryl ripped his shirt open.  That boy can move his hips.  He needs a little work on the feet but hot damn those hips!  Ay carumba!  Len said he put a whole new meaning into Free Willy.  He conquered the salsa.  Bruno says, well screams, that it was amazing.  Carrie Ann says that was ridiculously hot.

Melissa:  Oh William, you are a very handsome man. I shall just stare at you for a bit.  No offense meant, but most of that sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me.  Brilliant move Cheryl… Pop those shirt buttons girl!  There shall be a lovely fruit basket in the future for you.  Um, yeah… Let me just cool off here for a sec.

Score – 28  –> Including a 10 from Bruno.  Someone is warm for his form.

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Rumba to "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men

Rachel’s What Happened: 2010 – This is the year his best friend passed from cancer.  He died in Donald’s arms as tears rolled down his eyes and he took his last breath.  Wow.  Here come the tears again.  I’m loving Donald more every week.  He tells us to live life to the fullest.  You never know what each day might bring.  So true.  And he rocked that dance.  What a great way to end the show.  Carrie Ann says the passion he just expressed was mesmerizing.  She was truly touched.  Len didn’t expect a hunky football guy to dance with such warmth & expression.  This whole evening was awesome.  Bruno says what he likes is that he pushes himself to the limit.  This was a very difficult dance and he thinks this will turn out to be a battle of the hunks.

Melissa:  Oh man, this is the night for tears!!  You know I loves me some Donald, and this dance was perfect as far as I’m concerned.  I’ll admit that I was against the “most memorable year”, but really, some of these folks (Donald, of course, included) really pulled from their experiences and turned out some amazing dances.

Score – 26

Bottom Line:

Melissa:   Went into the night with my usual snark, but ended up with tears in my eyes.  What a great night!

Rachel:  Was a good night and no one straight-up stunk.  I’m worried for Gavin.  I think it might be him going home tomorrow.