One Sentence Summary: Sean’s scorched earth comes back to haunt him as he faces the cast-off ladies… and Tierra will be there too.
How in the hell did I get myself into this mess?
Our Thoughts
Rachel: Here we go with the Women Tell All. Time for the also-rans to save face and explain their behavior. Also time to watch two hours of montages of the season. I mean is anyone that hasn’t watched the season actually going to bother to watch this episode? Doubtful. So how about we save everyone an hour of their lives rehashing when we could spend it doing something worthwhile? You know, like charity work or exercise or seeing how many sips it takes to get the bottom of a bottle of Pinot Noir. I’m voting for the latter part of those options. And if we are going to insist on taking two hours of my life for this then perhaps we can make the blooper reel a lot longer. Admittedly, that still cracks me up. Doesn’t take much. Just wine.
Melissa: Yes, finally all the cray-crays that got kicked to the curb get to come back and woe-is-me all up in Sean’s face about how he done them wrong. You know I love this episode because I love to see all the girls try to plead their cases… in hopes of scoring a Bachelorette season of their very own. Top yourselves off friends and hunker down for a fun night of accusations, bitchiness and scorn.
Introduction
OMG! NFW! LOL!
Rachel: The live audience goes crazy at the mention of Sean and more so at the mention of Sean with his shirt off. But I personally love the older gentleman in the spiffy suit screaming like a teenager for this being the most amazing season ever. Well, of course. Every season, everything is the most. Ever. It should be celebrated. Be loud and be proud.
And since everyone loves Sean oh-so-much, Sean & Chris are going to crash a few viewing parties before we can actually get down to some angry chicks. They enter house number one. Cue screaming teenage girls. Think Chris is scoping the room for a date? Oh no, these girls are too young. Now, the girls at the next party might be ready to make Chris the happiest host in Bachelor history. Finally, the sorority house. But of course. How could they resist that scenario? Holy shrieking. And holy wasting my time! But seriously, if he’s going to roll into parties filled with pie-eyed women, shouldn’t he at least do them the courtesy of being shirtless? Only the sorority girls get the pecs? What’s up with that? I mean at least do all the girls (and the audience) a solid. As we all know, I missed the memo on Sean’s attractiveness, but I’m still a team player. And I vote shirtless surprises. See how good I am to you?
The also-rans.
Time to roll our first montage of the girls swooning, complaining and talking shit. And of course, Tierra. Des got the first question and a bad haircut. Or style. It’s not working whatever she did. Anyway, what Chris wants to know is did she anticipate all the drama? No, of course not. Apparently, she’s never seen the show. I type this just as Chris says the same thing. Dammit, Chris! Way to step on my line. You don’t get to say my jokes. As for AshLee and her new ombre hair, she says she was the first friend Tierra had so she thought she would listen to her when she confronted her about her behavior. Lesley says Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle. The girls say they all think the stair fall was fake. Duh. The girls wish they had just ignored Tierra all together. But since we have Tierra in the house, maybe we should just talk to her. Damn, bringing the drama early. Someone must have told you I wasn’t running on a full tank today. Giving me the goods upfront. Appreciate.
Melissa: Really, they have to show the audience high-fiving over Sean’s topless antics? Come on. I really imagine people off to the sides with cards reading “Clap and cheer now.” and “Boo now.” So the deal is they crash Bachelor viewing parties? Really, folks have these? Oh, check that, 12 year old girls have these. Really, sorority girls too? Ladies, I weep for you. Sweet Mary this is horrible… and a sorority fight song too?? Are they called fight songs? I don’t know, I was never in that particular “crowd”.
Oh look, Des grew out her bangs (meh, not a great choice) and AshLee is rocking the blonde. I love these bashing recaps. It’s really just a whole mess of fun. You know what else I love? The men in the audience that were dragged there by their ladies in the hopes it gets them a little deposit in the hibidy-dibidy bank account.
Tierra The Tierrable
Yes, that’s a stomach peephole and a print that shouldn’t be on anything other than pajama pants… maybe.
Rachel: Tierra is in the hot seat and she too did something new & terrible to her hair. Or maybe it’s the same hair and I just had blocked her so completely from my mind that I don’t remember. Or maybe I’m distracted by that dress that I’m pretty sure I saw in Express in 1984. Anyway, Tierra tells us that she knew she would be disliked because she lights up a room with her joy and that is hard for other women to be around. Also, because she was immediately judged by her looks and not her good heart, she didn’t stand a chance in the snake pit. OMG, this is hi-larious. She is truly delusional. Now, she was hated on because she got the first rose. And because she didn’t want to be friends with them. Well, you might be on to something there with that last insight. She says that Sean told her to put her blinders on and focus on the end, not the girls. But Chris wonders, even if she didn’t want to be friends, why not be friendly? She says she wasn’t unfriendly. She just stayed to herself. The fact that she can’t recognize that not even saying good morning to your roommates might make you an asshole makes her… well… an asshole. Chris keeps feeding her leading questions trying to get her show some humility, but she’s not taking the bait. Yeah, because she’s an asshole.
Robyn says Tierra’s delusional. Pretty sure I already said that too. Tierra shows feigned shock at that accusation. Brooke calls her out for being fake. Tierra says it’s just because she didn’t know how to be real. Wait, what? Now she doesn’t remember not saying good morning to anyone. She remembers nothing anyone says happened. She’s apparently fallen and hit her head again because she’s clearly suffering from amnesia. That’s the only explanation. She tells Leslie that she helped her get dressed for her date as if that makes her a nice person. Leslie says it was just an excuse for her to not have to go downstairs and have to interact with the girls. Nice try Tierra. Brooke tells Tierra to just own her shit. Just own that you weren’t nice. But Tierra does not do that. Nope, now she blames AshLee. AshLee’s ombre and ready to go. Tierra says that AshLee lied to her. AshLee says no. She never lied and it’s all on tape so you can’t play that. Now, it’s that AshLee ganged up on her. Selma says no. Can’t play that either. Lesley says AshLee was tough on Tierra, but someone had to be. I don’t know why they’re bothering with her. I mean she’s a bad person. Period.
Let’s move on and talk about the poor shloob that’s marrying Tierra. And her eyebrow. She says he does really exist and that they’ve been engaged since January. I say godspeed, good sir. He’s in for a life of pain. But at least he gets “the sparkle”.
Melissa: Did we have to see her spritz the hairspray? On a side note, what the F is that dress pattern happening there? Wait, Tierra lights up in a room? Bringing joy and a smile? Um, I didn’t see that at any point. Correct me if I’m wrong here friends, but wasn’t she the one cackling she got a rose one of those episodes? I mean really, that’s not joy. That’s narcissism. Oh stop it, you weren’t ganged up on. I have ZERO tolerance for this chippie. HA, it’s funny that she says she doesn’t get this at home, when we have a fellow classmate of hers calling her out for being a b-i-t-c-h as she so maturely spells it for us.
Amen Robyn, she is delusional. I can’t even watch this craziness. I need someone to roll out the Gong Show gong on this girl and this whole conversation. So she’s engaged now too? Is this the ex that died who has magically come back to life?
Sad Sarah
I’m so sad watching how sad I was.
Rachel: No one has touched America’s heart quite like Sarah? Really, Chris? Come on. Slight oversell here. Now is it really considered one arm? It seems like an arm & a half. What???? I’m just saying. I also love that Sean said the reason he let her go was there was something missing in their kiss, when I’m telling you he might be one of the worst kissers ever. He just doesn’t look like he brings the fire the way Arie did. And yes, I’m still talking about Arie’s kissing.
Oh I’m sorry. Are we still watching the Women Tell All? That montage was so long I thought I was watching the entire season again. I know everyone thinks she’s so sweet and it’s so sad that she was sent home, but she got dumped like every other girl on that stage. That makes her just like everyone else. The only thing differentiating her is that Sean spared her a rose ceremony. Not her disability. And by the by, I’ve been hearing “You’re great, but…” for um… ever. And I have two arms. It’s not the arm. It’s not the arm. Let me say it again. It’s not the arm. It’s the reality TV dating show you signed up for. And you’re 20-nothing. You’ll be just fine. Just please don’t be the next Bachelorette.
Melissa: So here’s what I don’t get. He didn’t want Sarah to have to go through a ceremony and not get chosen versus AshLee who he clearly said he had feelings for, but it was OK for her to get the shaft at the ceremony? How does that work? I hope Sarah finds a cool guy one of these days. Oh hey now… America’s favorite… anyone think they might ask her to be the next Bachelorette? I could watch a Sarah season.
Rachel: NOTE TO MELISSA & OUR READERS: If Sarah is the next Bachelorette, you will be watching sans the other Winey Bitch. {{{ Veiled empty threat }}}
Darling Des
So, my brother… yeah…
Rachel: Des’s turn. Time to talk about her brother… of course after we watch their entire relationship again. Sorry, first we have to talk about how much she was falling in love with him. And how she hopes she can make someone happy someday the way her parents make each other happy. We know. We know. Finally, the brother… What happened? Des says he regrets how he came off. He’s intense but he’s a good guy. Chris wonders if that was that the deciding factor? Kinda, maybe, probably. She says hers was the worst hometown date in Bachelor history. Well played Des. Well played. She’s my vote for the next Bachelorette.
Melissa: How did her bangs grow out so fast? I need whatever shampoo she’s using when I go on a rant and plop into my stylist’s chair and demand she chop my hair. OK Des, for real, I think bro saved you in the long run.
Angry AshLee
But you did. You know you did. You did you did you did!!!
Rachel: Finally, AshLee is up. I still think she’s one bad mood away from “no wire hangers” but I really kind of like her. And I really kind of thought she was perfect for Sean. And I really think she looks fantastic. She says she was convinced that she was walking away with him. She wasn’t pissed when she was leaving, but she was trying to figure out answers. He said she’d meet his family and told her that she & her sister would be best friends. So she didn’t know what to say to him when she was sent packing. She’s not still in love with him. She has moved on emotionally. Sort of… One thing that shocked her was how he was a southern gentleman with her & a frat boy with the other girls. Um, how many frat houses have you visited? That’s hardly frat boy behavior.
But why don’t we ask Sean? And here he is. He says AshLee’s a special person but… Well, Chris needs to get AshLee back on the couch again so he thinks this would be a good time to interrupt Sean, who is clearly so nervous. He even compliments her hair. He starts again with the “you were the one from the beginning” BS. Dude, do not go there again. Then he shifts gears and says that he wants a home full of laughter and sometimes he couldn’t find the laughter with her. Yeow, so now she’s not funny enough? Right, because she didn’t pretend life is all giggles and cupcakes like Lindsay. Probably because she’s an actual grown-up. He’s really terrible at this. Maybe go back to the whole her being the one from the beginning. His voice is shaking.
AshLee’s mad that he didn’t come check on her while she was hanging out waiting to be sent home. Really, lady? You think he wanted another hole bored into his forehead? Or to deal with breaking up with you again? You know since it went so well the first time. He says that if Emily had checked on him, it would have made it worse. And she’s a strong woman so he knew she’d be ok. She just doesn’t understand. Honey, do you not know you signed up for a reality show?
She says he told her that he had no feelings for the other women. He says he didn’t say that. Yes he did. No he didn’t. He’s being shifty eyed. She’s straight staring him in the face. No judgement… Maybe a little. As we go to commercial, we can hear him saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” off-camera. And we’re back to the same argument. He says he didn’t say that. She says he did. And then there’s some more back & forth. And no, he didn’t say it. But yes, he did. Good Lord, can we move on? Yes, we can because Chris has finally had enough. Now that AshLee is back in her seat, Sean says he must have said something misleading. So he’s sorry. And shiny. And sweating.
Melissa: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again that was the best leave ever on this show – a slap would have rocked it out, but she was cool. You still get points with me you kooky OCD chick!
Better not let her too close frat boy, because you’re due a slap. So, if he knew he was going to break her heart why not pull her to the side like Sarah and let her down gracefully? Ah, he couldn’t find the laughter with her. Yeah, you’re better off Ash. Wait, so he could have checked on her? So they don’t ship her off right away? I don’t know if I like this, it’s like pulling back the curtain in Oz!
So given this off-camera conversation I’m thinking Sean tried to pull a little “I loves you baby, there’s no one but you” to score a little extra something in the fantasy suite.
A Little More Time With Sean
Are you sure AshLee has no sharp weapons?
Rachel: Needless to say, Sean is happy to move on from AshLee whom I believe is back in her seat plotting Sean’s very organized & neat demise. He turns his attention to Des, with whom he always had fun. He smiles when he thinks about her. She’s so full of joy. Take a note AshLee. Pretty sure that was as much for you as it was for Des. Chris sees the chemistry between them. So what happened? Sean says that sometimes she hid things behind her smile. He wasn’t let in all the way and that was a problem. They wish each other the best. And this time it’s genuine. And oh, she says her brother actually likes Sean. When he’s on his meds.
Bloopers
A tip of the hat… A little genius blooper surprise.
Rachel: Blooper time. Oh hey, Kacie B! I forgot about her. An island not heard from tonight. Wait, did they make them drink Yellow Tail wine? You couldn’t spring for a better bottle? And finally, a shirtless moment for all the ladies in the house.
The Final Two
Rachel: I have to admit that I wasn’t paying attention to any part of the Final Two montage. Someone mixed “Head Like A Hole” by Nine Inch Nails with “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen and that had to be heard. It’s… wow. Just … wow. Check it out here:
http://www.theverge.com/2013/3/4/4064574/nins-head-like-a-hole-mashed-with-call-me-maybe-is-perfect
Melissa: Zzzzzzz… Oh, sorry, nodded off there for a few. Well, I needed a nap actually so thankfully that preview happened so I could check out the insides of my eyelids for a few.
Bottom Line:
Rachel: OK, there was not enough revisiting with the girls tonight. 75% of them didn’t say a word. If we didn’t have to visit sorority houses and watch 15 minute montages, we might have talked to Kacie B about her bad move that got her booted and Lesley about… well, anything. Anyway, it’s Neil Lane ring time… and I’m dying to find out about that letter he gets. But I’m going to be good and not troll the interwebs.
Melissa: My money is on AshLee or Sarah for the next Bachelorette.
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