Tag Archives: Michael Nance

The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 10 – The Men Tell All

One Sentence Summary:  Emily’s exes are back to try and retrieve some of their dignity, but Chris Harrison has other plans.

Yeah, you coulda had some of this facial hair.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:   Oh, look!  A room full of Emily’s rejects.  I wonder if the testosterone bouncing off the walls is so strong that a woman could get pregnant just being in that room.  Don’t know.  Don’t want to know.  But let’s be honest, they’ve all had time to watch themselves getting their egos handed to them and are back to reclaim their manhood… or hoods as it may be.  I’m especially interested to hear from Doug.  I want to know what watching oneself be the only guy that didn’t get lip felt like and how he’s going to ‘spain it.  Now, we all know I’m a big Doug fan and still think it was nerves and respect… But he really should have stepped his game up a few notches.  I’m sure Ryan & Kalon are going to get some airtime and say some provocative things, but I’m really not trying to hear anything out of either of them… ever.  And what’s the over/under on Chris’s level of bitterness? I’m going with him still being an 8.5 but is going to play it like 4.5 – besides he’s on Bachelor Pad this season and if there’s a better consolation prize, well I don’t know what it is.   Then there’s Sean… I’m starting to think I’m the only woman in America that doesn’t get his appeal.  Maybe he’ll change my mind tonight.  I doubt it, but maybe.  Well, at least I get two hours free of meals that no one eats.

Melissa:   Yes, the men are back to dish the dirt, or rather pull the “you did me wrong” er, wait… Is that the women?  At least we get to visit with Doug, whom I hope is faring well after his trip to Bachelorette-dom.  Unfortunately, the flip side of that bliss, is our douchebag bookends Kaylon and Ryan (insert eye roll and twitch).  OK, I’ll admit, I’m kind of hoping Ryan tries to pull his “you let THIS get away” and she just flat out tells him he’s an ass.  Oh, that’s what dreams are made of my friends… Dreams.  I digress, I know it’s really the show where we hear how happy Emily is with her choice and how they are building dreams of Disney proportions together & getting ready to ride off into the sunset… There’s a clue in there, my friends, as to my guess at Emily’s pick.  I’m kicking it with a little Two Hands Angel’s Share Shiraz tonight, so let’s bring on the men.

Memories…

Again we have to go through this? Even I’m sick of my story.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Holy crap, before the show even starts I’m already in shock.  What is with the mountains of make-up pancaked on these guys?  Are the lights brighter in that studio or did someone steal the make-up artist’s glasses?  I mean they’re a one sweep of sparkle eye shadow and a man-tuck away from being on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  And Ryan looks like he’s auditioning for the part of Pablo Escobar.  Spray tan much, Ry?  Woo…

Anyway, here we go with Chris’s worship at the altar of Emily.  Yes, she’s everyone’s favorite Bachelorette ever… Well, everyone except me.  I was partial to Jillian, but anyway…  Wait, what’s that?  A live finale?  Is that possible?  And on Sunday?  Dude, you’re messing with my schedule here.  I’m so confused.  I might need to switch to tea or I’ll never make it through to the end.

But we start with Chris interviewing Emily.  Isn’t she going to be there?  Why do we need to interview her twice?  Oh so we can see and hear about Ricki Bobby.  Seems having her at her home and the guys right down the street made it just like it would be if she were dating in real life.  Uh, I don’t know how you date, but I don’t generally keep a house of potential suitors down the street from me.  Though as I think about it, you might be on to something.  How do I make that happen?  How, I ask… We revisit Ryan’s chauvinism & trophy wife comments.  That hurt her feelings.  Then there’s Kalon and his helicopter arrival.  Oh wait, that’s not Kalon’s legacy… Right, it’s calling Ricki baggage.  She calls him out for being spiteful because he’s used to being a big fish in a small pond.  He’s just a douche.  Let’s be honest.  Big pond, small pond, out of the water flopping around on the floor, it’s all the same.  Oh boy, and now we have to see Doug kissing Emily as she’s breaking up with him.  Ah yes, reliving awkward.  Always fun.  Well, there we have 8 minutes of show that we will have to relive when each of those guy is interviewed.  Seriously, no one wastes more time than TV producers.

Melissa:  Yes, poor Emily, life had to be tough for you dating the men while going home at night to take care of Ricki Bobby.  We all feel for you, doting men declaring their love for you within 15 minutes of meeting you and then going back to “real life”.  Ryan’s dumb ass “you can’t gain weight” comment.  Oh the wonderful jackass he was.  Then his friend Kalon.  I love they’re going to rehash all the men with Emily then we’ll get the tour de force yet again in the studio with the “man-montage” all over again.

The Blooper Reel

You made me spill my wine. Sorry, but you won’t be getting a rose tonight.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Look, I’m happy to watch a blooper reel, but I don’t need it curated.  I don’t.  Oh no!  Perfect Emily spilled wine on her dress and swore!  Oh my goodness!  How terrible.  And to think I was concerned about starving children in Africa when Emily potentially ruined her favorite dress she got for free and then forget her perfect southern manners for a moment.  I need to get my priorities in order tout de suite!  Um, are they really singing to an egg?  See, if Travis had brought me into a room to sing a lullaby to an egg, he’d have been gone that night.  Well, the hair would have gotten him sent home as well.  LMAO – Arie’s brothers are spying on them making out.  That’s freaking hilarious.   What else do we get to see… Oh, poor Chris trying to dance.  Yeah, he shouldn’t do that.  Ever.

Melissa:  OK, I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, they really need to incorporate more of the behind the scenes for this show.  This shit is funny.

Bachelor Pad

Yeah, I’m back and I brought my guns.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Are the men actually there?  And if I had known I didn’t have to watch the first half an hour of this show, I probably would have anyhow.  Let’s be honest.  Ed!  Ed’s on the show!  I liked Ed.  Well, makes sense since Jillian was my fave bachelorette.  Oh why couldn’t those two make it work?  Oh yeah, they met on a reality TV show.  Anyway, you know the TWB will be watching and laughing and groaning along with you, all season.  I mean they’re making them do a spelling bee.  Is there going to be anything funnier than watching these people try and spell, especially Erica Rose?    I think not.  OK, we’re all watching.  Can we get to the men now?

Melissa:  Ugh, like I need to deal with a 10 minute promo of the crazy crying.  Oh wait, No Lip Chris  is on the BP??  Lindzi too?  Man, everyone is up for this business.  I guess a quarter of a million makes people put themselves up for mockery in the face of the bitches – not to mention the rest of the nation.

Recapping the Recap

Do you hear the mature words that are coming out of my mouth???


Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, some men… and the women go crazy for Sean.  Shiny head Sean.   Really?  Ugh, he’s so going to be the next Bachelor isn’t he?  That’s going to kill me.  The guys talk about getting out of the limo, or helicopter in Kalon’s case.  OK, so I don’t mind a recap if it’s of men getting catty and jealous.  We get to revisit Chris’s immaturity problem, Doug’s humility problem, Ryan’s machismo problem and Kalon’s arrogance problem.  Oh yes, what a pothole filled road it’s been.

After the guys get to relive their lowest moments, Chris admits that sometimes he was immature.  But it was only because he was freaking out.  Well, you were freaking out because you weren’t mature enough to handle the situation.  And you aren’t the only one that was in your 20’s, but you’re the only one who got your panties in a bunch about it.  But he flips it on Ryan and his attitude.  Kalon, sensing the opportunity to create an ally with “the other douche”, says that the guys were just threatened by Ryan and his humility.  Uh, did I miss the episode where Ryan showed humility?  I mean saw humiliation when he got sent home, but not humility.  Chris asks Kalon if he recognizes that rolling into a party the way he did was putting a target on his back.  Of course he doesn’t.  He is still confused as to why he was singled out because someone arriving in a helicopter would be someone he’d truly be interested in talking to.  But he does regret the baggage comment.  He wasn’t himself at that moment because he was frustrated and that process can get to a person (it’s not lost on anyone that he’s talking directly to Chris).  Charlie isn’t having it.  He was himself the whole time.  And his real self wanted to smack Kalon’s real self.  He’s also upset that he went home before Kalon went home.  Well, that’s not Kalon’s fault.  That might be your fault a weensy bit, no?  But then there’s Soul Patch Stevie who is proud to shove calling Kalon out to his face down his throat.  Look, I don’t like Kalon either but he’s not wrong that the guys were jealous that he showed up in a helicopter.  The rest… well that’s on him.

Melissa:  Oy, the recap – as if we haven’t been watching all season long.  At least Ryan has the sense to mock his own rooster-locks.  No Chris, they weren’t telling you they thought you were immature, though you are completely acting it right now.  AW LAWD, you need to take it down a notch.  Oh shut up, Kalon.  Yes, all of us were upset Charlie was set home before you.

The Kalon Chronicles

Say what you want, but I’m the one getting a feature segment and you’re not.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And in case you just missed that last segment or the opening segment, let’s watch Kalon’s greatest hits…. again.  Kalon says that when he signed up, he didn’t know who the Bachelorette was.  But when he found out it was Emily, he knew she had a child and that was a big issue for him.  Chris asks him why she showed up then.  Excellent question.  He says it would have reflected badly on his character to not show up.  Yes, because it reflected so well on your character showing up and openly not being thrilled about Ricki.  He tries to smooth over those wrinkles by saying that he’s an optimist and wasn’t 100% sure he didn’t want a stepchild.  No one believes you.  Chris also calls him out on being rude to her with his “run along” at the Shakespeare date.  Kalon just thinks people don’t get his humor (because it’s not funny) and he didn’t thrive in that environment.

The men have had enough of his trying to explain away his bad behavior and Joe says he was just there for the glitz and glamour of it all.  Glitz and glamour?  Is that what that is?  Tony says he was there for the cameras and not Emily.  That makes more sense.

However, Chris isn’t done with his moment and pulls it back in to the one-on-one interview.  Guys, don’t interrupt Chris when he’s earning his paycheck by asking the tough questions.  Watch and learn a little something about journalism.  Funnily enough this is when Chris asks about the “you can speak when I’m finished” moment.  Kalon didn’t think that was the most offensive.  Ricki as baggage was the most offensive.  True, but they were both on the offensive scale, my friend.  And yes, we like our lives sugar coated in this country – it allows for us to shirk all personal responsibility (but that’s for another blog) – but we can still uphold a modicum of tact and kindness when we are speaking.  And most certainly when we’re trying to woo a woman.

Doug is asked if that comment would ever be ok.  Clearly the answer is no.  Kids can’t help being here.  Sean jumps in and says he doesn’t have to have a kid to know that’s not ever ok.  If you love a woman, you have to love every part of her and Ricki is part of Emily.  True dat.  And Kalon is off the hot seat without Chris opening up questions to the firing squad.  Aw, that’s like taking away a favorite chew toy from a pack of dogs.  Then again, we’d be here all night with that.  Who’s next?

Melissa:  A douchebaggery montage.  Why?  I mean I get he was the “villain” of the season, but I’m tired of that personality.  You know him.  We’ve all experienced him.  Maybe it’s my short fuse lately, but I have zero patience for such unwarranted pompous arrogance.  I know he’ll claim he’s misunderstood, and what not, but ugh.  Please don’t even try to play your “run along” as playfulness or humor.  That’s just straight up douchebaggery plain and simple.

Trophy Time

It’s called a spray tan, Chris. Get with the program.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ryan’s turn to sit in the frying pan, after we, of course, watch his most memorable moments.  And they are memorable for sure.  Wow, did Chris just yell “See ya!” during Ryan’s video?  Uh, are you trying to prove everyone right about your maturity level?  Look, I’m not going to defend Ryan’s behavior, but even if he handled it like a jack ass, you know how bad that moment of rejection feels.  So, why you gonna go rub salt in the someone else’s wound?  Go find an upper lip, won’t you?

Anyway, let’s talk about Ryan’s “worldly gifts” shall we?  He just chocks it up to being confident in who he is because without that he wouldn’t be successful.  Maybe try a quiet confidence?  Chris wants to know if he crossed the line from confidence to arrogance.  Of course he doesn’t.  Chris – No Lips, not Harrison – wants to know about his true feelings for Emily.  Ryan says he was reading his journal and he realized that it wasn’t about Emily.  It was about finding his wife.  OK, at first blush, I was like WTF did you just say?  But then I realize that he might be the first guy to realize that it’s not about winning this girl but finding the right girl.  I might have to give him some credit for that one.  Granted, I don’t like the guy he is, but he does have a point.  And I do kinda love that he was trying to fix John up with his ex.  That’s pretty funny.  Chris comes at Ryan again saying that he told Arie that they’d be the last two standing, and if he didn’t win, he’s be the next Bachelor.  Ryan admits to saying it to a few frontrunners, but not Chris since he wasn’t a frontrunner in Ryan’s mind.  Oh I’d love to put these two in a cage fight.  Now that’s something I’d watch.  The Bachelorette:  The Men Take It To The Mat.  Chris Harrison reassures us that he’s not going to be our next Bachelor.  A collective sigh of relief overcomes the room.  I don’t know.  It would be kind of funny… maybe for a few weeks anyway.

Melissa:  You know, if he weren’t such an ass with the Wolverine facial hair, he could be attractive… Kind of.  Maybe.  I think he’s one of those people who could be good looking (to some), but the more you get to know him the less attractive  he becomes.

A Chat With Chris

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I got humiliated. Can we move on?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Haven’t we heard enough from him?  Well, I guess we still have another hour to fill (groan) so we might as well rehash the rehash that we hashed.  Cut to the video… Wait, how come Chris’s bad attitude and meltdowns weren’t shown on the video?  That ain’t fair.  Well, I guess we’re going to talk about how much it hurt him vs how badly he acted.  He loved her 100% and it was hard on him.  Chris Harrison wants to know if he angers quickly.  He says when he really wants something, he’ll do anything in the world to fight for it. If he comes off angry, then that’s how he comes off.  Well, I think you come off angry because you actually are angry.  Call me crazy.  He’s lost a couple good friends in his life and that’s why he says what he means.  You know, because you might not get the chance to be a dick tomorrow.  Great philosophy in theory, but shitty on execution friend.  Emily made him a believer in love and he is looking forward to falling in love with the right girl.  I guess the three he hooks up with on the Bachelor Pad don’t fit into that category.  Oh well, I guess we’ll have to watch Bachelor Pad to find out, and I have a feeling my opinion of his isn’t going up.

Melissa:  OK Chris, here’s the thing, and I swear I’ve said this once before, but just because you tell a woman you love her doesn’t mean she feels the same.  I can’t believe he’ll be on Bachelor Pad.  Never mind it’s starting next week… Come on, give a girl a week of downtime to catch up on some History channel documentaries or something.

Rachel:  You watch History Channel documentaries?

Mr. Perfect

There’s no place like home… There’s no place like home.

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s time for everyone’s favorite bachelor, Sean.  I know a lot of women want him to be the Bachelor with a capital B, but I’m not one of them.  I’m just not buying the “perfect” routine.  Something rubs me the wrong way.   Can’t put my finger on it and I don’t want to spend an entire season thinking about it and watching him run through towns screaming women’s names.  But first, you guessed it, the video…

Side bar:  Why does Emily’s crying sound like a cat right before it throws up a hairball?

OK, I’m back… Sean says the video is hard to watch.  He truly believed that she was his wife and it never occurred to him that he’d be going home.  He says he wonders what he’s missing and no one likes to feel inadequate.  Of course, he still has feelings and is still emotional.  His feelings won’t fade overnight though he wishes they would.  He spent weeks questioning if he should have done or said something else.  He’s never had a broken heart before so this is new.  And that, my friends, is what I think my gut has been reacting to this whole time.  He doesn’t know real loss and it came across to me that he was somewhat flip about his exes and what breaking their hearts did to them.  It was all very much from a “well it wasn’t working for me so I ended it” place that didn’t seem at all sympathetic.  Not he’s got a broken heart and can, not only sympathize, but empathize with what that feels like.  I hope that going forward, he gets it a little better now.  You can’t know how deep it is unless you’ve felt it.  And even his mom told him that it’s going to be good for him in the long run.  Agree, mom.  Agree.  This conversation makes me like Sean a little bit more… I honestly feel like he might have learned something.  Still don’t want him to be the Bachelor, but I’d be less mad at it.  My generosity knows no bounds.

Melissa;  I’m still saying he’s a tall glass of cool water if you like that look.  Thank goodness he didn’t cave to the Bachelor Pad.  There’s still hope he’s not a complete Bachelor sell-out.  Then again, he could be angling for the next Bachelor.  I’ll say it right now, I wouldn’t hate that.

She’s Baaaack

Holy knockers, batman!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ah yes, the most popular Bachelorette ever is back.  I’m surprised they’re making her walk to the couch.  I’d think they’d have carried her out on a litter while being fanned & fed grapes.  Whoa, did her boobs grow a few cup sizes???  How does she not fall over with those things?  Lady, rein it in.  Baywatch is no longer in production.  Seriously, those things have to equal half her body weight.  Yipes!

Anyway, she says it’s exciting, yet tough, for her to see all the guys, especially Sean.  She tells him that she watched the episode, sat in her room and did the ugly cry.  Everything she felt was real and he knows it.  He even thanks her for opening up his eyes.   Kumbayah, y’all!  Chris also had his eyes opened to believing in love.  Another thank you to Emily for getting his heart broken.  Now Doug… Poor Doug.  He says he read the moment wrong.  Understatement.  She says she handled it awkwardly at best with her “Thank you for that.”  But she does have one regret looking back and that was not giving Doug the date rose after he stood up for her on the group date by outing Kalon.  I’m glad she recognized that.  I wanted to choke her that night, but I guess she was on overdrive.  She says she could be engaged to Kalon so thank God for Doug.  Doug says he will always have her back.  Aw, swoon.  I just want to hug him.  He really is too sweet.

And speaking of Kalon, she says she was disappointed that she let someone like that through the cracks.  Kalon apologizes for how things went down between them and he is trying to use the experience to make him a better person in his future relationships.  Yeah, Emily ain’t buying what you’re selling.  She tells him that he should be a politician because that was the biggest load of <<bleep>> she’s ever heard.  Ha ha… standing ovation for Emily.  OK, I’m too lazy to get up.  A raise of the glass and a tip of the hat to her.  She says that he clearly doesn’t regret the things he said to and about her.  Just a couple days ago she saw that he posted a picture of a baggage claim and captioned it with “Though for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here.”  Wow, he really is an asshole.  I’d rather have baggage than be a douchebag any day.  He says it was a bad joke, but it is reminded that he also said that he was sorry that he wasn’t sorry after everyone ripped him a new one.  She tells him that the true test of class is going back and apologizing for being rude.  She hopes that he finds faith in something bigger than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter.  Yeah, girl!  OK, now I’m really getting up and giving her a round of applause… and myself another round of drinks.  I mean I’m already up, might as well make it worth my time.

Emily is now faced with her almost decision to let Ryan stay.  She says that he’s good looking and he’s a sweet talker… he’s that guy and every girl has one.  Yep, we do.  I have one… or two… or… Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah, Ryan being a sweet talker.  It just got to be too much but some things just didn’t line up for her with regards to their beliefs.  Well, she says his beliefs but I’m thinking it’s more like his stupid expectations of what a woman should do and say.

And then we saw the bloopers reel which was really the most exciting part of the show.  I even LOL’d.

Melissa:  I totally think her boobs are bigger!!!  I don’t want to say that’s what I immediately saw when she walked out, but I mean they’re just… Maybe it’s the dress.  She did the ugly cry for Sean?  So why did she send him packing?  OK, anyone else not believe Chris’s little “you opened my eyes” blah-blah-blah.  Oh my damn did Kalon really post a picture on Twitter about baggage and Emily?  For real, douche might actually be too good for him.  In comparison, Ryan is looking pretty damn good right now.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  OK, I was really hoping that Alessandro would get the chance to ‘splain himself and I could have used some more Doug time.  But overall it wasn’t bad.  The first 30 minutes were completely worthless, but it’s the drill.  So, now we’re t-minus 5 days until the most amazing finale ever.  Sorry, most dramatic finale ever.   Meh, not buying it.  Unless the rejected guy runs up and tackles the “winner”, it’s not dramatic enough for me.

Melissa:  Thankfully I was shoveling Milano cookies into my face the whole show so the chocolate kept me awake for yet another snooze fest of a “men tell all” show.  We really could really do this in an hour.  Let’s hope next week is, in fact, the most dramatic ending ever.  Though I don’t know what could top Ben Flapjack cruising off in a dinghy.

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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 4 – Bermuda Triangle Of Love

One Sentence Summary:  Emily takes her bachelors to Bermuda and starts to see cracks in some of the men’s personalities.

It’s ok, Charlie. Everyone has that moment when they realize they’re actually on a reality show.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:  And so the frolicking in the sun and sand begins tonight, though I think there may be more frolicking between Emily and Ricki than with the men.  Still, it’s time for the world tour and the pretty vistas which make me have momentary lapses of sanity where I consider signing up for the show.  I mean I don’t really believe you can truly find love on this nonsense show, but I do like me a fancy hotel and turquoise blue waters.  I’d be willing to play the game for a little of that.  Plus, it would force me to get my derriere to the gym knowing I’d have to be in a bathing suit on TV.  But alas, I am relegated to sitting behind my computer and pretending that I’m going to work-out at any point during the day.  Hey, at least I’m honest about it.  Oh, and make sure you don’t forget to check the Bachelorette Drinking Game rules each week as we’re adding ideas from our readers.

Melissa:  Emily and the boys are off to Bermuda for this week’s wooing.  I have to wonder how much time Ricki Bobby will end up missing from school to follow Mommy around while she looks for Daddy #2.

Bermuda, Jamaica, Ooh I Wanna Take Ya…

This hills are alive with the sound of Ricki.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Wow, we started the week without Emily’s deep thoughts & the “Ricki’s ok” check-in.  It must be coming.  There’s no way we’d be deprived of such an important moment.  But I guess Chris Harrision has to tell the guys about Bermuda first.  Oh and of course explain the rules of the dates one more time.  Seriously, if anyone out there doesn’t have a grasp about how this works by now, they’re probably a lost cause.  Of course, Chris does have to earn his paycheck somehow.

Here we go!  Emily and Ricki in Bermuda.  We knew it was coming.  Those crazy editors were just trying to mess with our heads.  So, I’m with Melissa here wondering if Ricki doesn’t have to go to school?  I mean I get having your kid with you, but school?  Friends?  Stability?  Maybe that’s a little more important?

Melissa:  Yeah, I really don’t get why Chris has to explain how the dates work each week either.  Pretty sure they get that if they don’t get a rose on the one-on-ones they’re going home.  The boys are thrilled to be headed off to Bermuda, but really who wouldn’t??  They may not get a wife, but dammit they’ll at least get a free vacation.

Dating Daddy

The least intimidating motorcycle gang in the history of time.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The boys pull up to ther insane hotel.  Again, I’ve got to get on this show just for the traveling.  Doesn’t The Bachelorette – Cougar Edition sound awesome?  Tell me you wouldn’t watch that?  Oh, you wouldn’t?  Maybe think about a minute…   And speaking of awesome, Doug gets the first Bermuda date card.  It’s very cute because he is actually visibly nervous and dropping mega f-bombs as he gets a little drama on us with the stress.  Perhaps, he might want to take a shot before he goes on his date.  And perhaps I should stop liking guys on this show because they go off the rails the second I say it.  First Ryan and now Doug.  Though I still have faith in Doug.  If Doug doesn’t make it to the end, I invite him to join me on TBCE.

My head fits perfectly on your bicep.

Emily and Doug go shopping and walk around town.  Emily says he’s the perfect guy for this date because he’s up for shopping.  Well, alrighty then.  If that’s all it takes…  OK, even if he had a bit of a meltdown, I do like this guy.  His son said to him that one person can’t change the world so he started a charity to show him that one person actually can change the world.  How amazing is that?  Seriously, I think I see a halo starting to shine over his head.  It may have a few dings in it, but that’s all part of the charm.  Emily is started to get a little burnt basking in his glow so she asks if he’s ever grumpy.  He admits that he was grumpy when she walked in the room & that’s why things were tense.  I like that he admitted that and owned his ‘tude.  See, Doug is the bomb.  Emily wants to write a letter back to Doug’s son, Austin, since he was so nice to write her a note.  Next, she takes him to a place where people make romantic wishes as they walk through a stone arch.  Hopefully, this romantic wish works out better for him than it did for Joe.  Emily says she wished that she won’t be single forever.  Seriously, lady, you’re starting to piss me off with the “who me?” humility.  I’m going to venture a guess that your wish is going to come true.

Um, you can’t be the perfect one. That’s my role.

At dinner, Doug tells Emily how much he appreciates her sending a postcard to Austin.  It put him on Cloud 9.  Emily is having fun with Doug, but feels like he’s hiding something from her.  He reminds her of Brad who was always so perfect, which makes her nervous.  Again, did she meet the same Brad we all met?  But she wants to know the imperfect parts of Doug.  Uh, he just told you he was a jerk to the other guys in the hotel room.  Read:  He can be moody & temperamental.  Besides, you’re on your first actual date with him.  Isn’t he supposed to be impressing you?  I mean imagine how un-fun dating would be if the first time you met someone they told you that they cut their toenails in bed and have been known to clear a room with their farts.  I mean enjoy the moment and the guy he wants to be for you.  I realize that time is short here and that, in some ways, it would save all of us time if we put the crap on the table day 1, but romance is already on life support.  Don’t kill it completely.

Anyway, not backing off, she wants to know what his ex would say if she were at the table.  Doug says that he spent too much time with his son. But that’s too perfect of an answer.  He says that their last argument was about him not washing her car enough.  She’s not swayed so he asks her what her faults are.  She rattles off that she’s too sensitive, she is stubborn, she doesn’t work out and she does errands in her pajamas.  OK, these are faults?  Really? And him being grumpy isn’t a fault?  I’m ready to strangle her.  But before I can get to her, she actually realizes that she put him on the spot and maybe she’s being too hard on him.  Oh how the tables have turned.  Let’s give Doug points for giving Emily a spoonful of her medicine.  This puts Emily back at ease, and she gives Doug the date rose.  In that moment, he really wants to kiss Emily, but his grandfather said not to kiss a girl unless she lets him know for sure.  Ah, Doug, it’s not 1940 and this might be one time you don’t want to listen to your grandpa.  Taking it slow on a show that is only 12 weeks long isn’t the smartest play.  Kiss the girl!  But he does not.

Melissa:  The boys arriving on their little mopeds look like a jacked up girlie-man version of the Hell’s Angels.  Yeah, I get it’s the common form of transport, but really… Tell me that’s not the image that flashed through your mind seeing them all.

Yay!  I loves me some Doug time.  I appreciate Arie’s wanting to send his competition home, but sorry sweetie, I don’t think that’s gonna happen just yet.  Arie I like you right now, don’t ruin it by being an ass.  I have to say I appreciate a man who is willing to shop with a lady – that is a fine quality right there.  And I have to give her props on the postcard to Doug’s son Austin, that’s sweet.  She’s thinking he’s too perfect?  Quick!  Doug, do something!  Break a glass, burp at the table (don’t fart though, chicks don’t dig that), do something bad!  But seriously, Emily, I get that you think his spending too much time with his son seems like a perfect answer, but get this… There are women out there who give a guy a hard time for not giving them all their time and don’t want to share time with the kids. (I speak from experience on that one.)   It happens in real life.  At least she’s smart enough to give him a rose.

Love Boats

Arie channels his inner Vinnie Barbarino and works that sailboat crank.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the hotel, the collective blood pressure is just returning to normal as the next date card arrives and sends pulses racing again.  The group date card determines who is possibly ending up on the two-on-one date making this the most wanted group date of the show.  Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis & Kalon get the date.  So, it’s Michael, Alejandro, John & Nate up for the two-on-one.  Has Nate been on a single date yet?

Group date time and I’m wondering if the dress code is blue & white in Bermuda.  It’s like a bad Gap ad on this date.  Kalon feels like he’s in his element with sailing.  Of course you do.  Anything that would be part of a J Crew catalogue is right up your alley.  Ryan, on the other hand, doesn’t know “jack squat” about sailing, but he’s willing to learn for Emily.  Besides, he’s an athlete so he thinks he’ll pick it up pretty quickly.  And of course you do.  These guys are becoming so predictable.

The guys will be racing each other in two teams and the winners get to spend more time with Emily.  The losers go back to the hotel.  The two teams are:  Yellow – Ryan, Jef, Kalon & Arie.  Red – Charlie, Travis, Chris & Sean.  Uh, way more muscle on the Red Team.  Ryan’s got some work to do over with the Yellows.  As expected, the Red Team pulls way out ahead of the Yellow Team.  Well, until the Red Team starts sailing in circles and gives the Yellow Team a chance to pass them.  The lead is short-lived as the muscle of Red Team puts them ahead once again.  However, since this is the most exciting boat race in Bachelorette history, the lead changes again and the Yellow Team wins. Jef, who was in charge of the biggest sail on his team, ripped his finger open on the first turn, but kept going.  There you go, Jef.  Way to get all manly on us, in spite of your hair.

As the Red Team heads home, Charlie actually starts crying.  He says he’s so embarrassed and he didn’t expect this to happen.  Ummmm…. Yeah, but tears?  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s an overreaction.

Now would be a good time to kiss me…. Like right now… Or now would be good too.

Back at the party, Ryan makes a toast to Emily, his possible “trophy wife”.  No, you did not.  What an ass.  That is enough to get you sent home.  Arie isn’t going to waste time making douchey toasts, and takes Emily aside for some one-on-one time.  He tells her that he missed her, and gets right to the making out portion of events.  This guy is good with the forehead kisses and the pushing her hair off of her face.  If there are any men out there reading this, take note.  Women eat this stuff up and you might want to add it to your repertoire of moves.  Maybe consider replacing that not-using-a-napkin-ever move with a forehead kiss move.  Trust me, this is sound advice.  Jef gets some alone time with Emily and uses it to tell her how he’s feeling and to break a TV record of using the word “like” in 60 seconds.  Really Jef, I thought I was suddenly watching an episode of the Kardashians.  But I like Jef even though he seems like a little brother and not a hot date.  So much so that he misses his opportunity for a kiss.  What is with these boys?

Back at the group, Ryan tells Arie that he looks forward to spending time with Emily and that he knows what he wants.  He wants to flirt with her and “build up some excitement”.  But he also wants to tell her to use this opportunity to her full potential.  Someone needs to put a pump to this guy’s ear and deflate that giant head of his.  What an egomaniac.  He tells her that he has a lot of depth and he is here to not make an impression but to impress upon her.  She isn’t quite buying what he’s selling and brings up his comment about her gaining weight.  He says that God designed her to be a beautiful woman so she should just be a beautiful woman.  Wow.  I’m ready to jump through the TV and shove a ball-gag in his mouth.  And not in a sexual way, in a STFU way.  I can’t take much more of his ego and his little pithy one-liners.

He says he prayed for her to make sure she used this opportunity to show other girls how to carry themselves & how to treat men, so he had a hard time watching her kiss Arie.  Whoa, hold it there a minute.  There is no part of you that didn’t like it because of how she was representing women – which BTW is not for you to say in the first place- but because your ego couldn’t handle it.  And the fact that Emily is sitting here apologizing, makes me want to ball-gag her too.  Are you kidding me?  Tell his dick to pack his shit and go.  If this is how he goes about wooing you, can you imagine how your life would be after you were married?  I’ll tell you how it would be.  Miserable.  You’ll never please him because he’ll always find new ways to demean you to maintain control.  Run, Emily, run.  This is a bad situation.  Trust me.  I’ve been there.  It’s just some advice from one single girl to another.  Thankfully, Emily says in her interview that she felt judged, which I like because she’s not being bamboozled.  And I like that word.  Bamboozled.

Anywho, Jef gets the date rose again and the men start to realize that this guy might actually be a threat.  Well, all the guys except for Ryan who sees it as Emily pleasing him by not giving it to Arie.  This guy is delusional.  He needs to go… although part of me can’t wait for the next insane nugget to roll out of his rectangle head.  But mostly he needs to go.

Melissa:  Of course, Kalon thinks he’ll be in his element on the seas (eye roll).  I love that they are shocked that this is a competition and the losing team goes home.  The fun thing about sailing is that you just never know who will get the wind at the right time.  Yellow gets the win and Ryan gets his douche talking time.  Arie gets the first smooch of the week (naturally) and I have to again question how these men get so invested after 3 weeks.  Where were these desperate men when I was dating??  What, no kiss, Jef??  DAYUM, poor girl isn’t getting much action tonight.  At least we know Ryan will be full court when he gets blanket time.

Wait, Ryan’s not there to impress her but make an impression on her… I think you’ve impressed that on all of us… ALL of us.  And was he really praying for her?  Oh geez, how is that a call for you to make?

Two Men Enter.  One Man Leaves.

Because the Thunderdome Date isn’t embarrassing enough, let’s make them stand into the wind, next to each other as they meet up with Emily.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ruh-roh, two-on-one date time.  The only time a guy doesn’t get excited at the prospect of two-on-one.  John & Nate are the lucky winners.  I still don’t agree with the concept of this date.  I mean, what if she likes both guys?  Granted, it’s never happened, but it could…  Maybe?  Right?

But before we can two-on-one it, we have to check in with Ricki to make sure she’s still ok in Bermuda.  Anyone else notice that Ricki doesn’t actually ever speak?

Anywho, the guys are ready-ish for this date, and as they head out, they both look like they’re being sent to their deaths.

Melissa:  Emily and Ricki Bobby are enjoying themselves, but the 2-on-1 is worrying Emily.  HA, I love the foreshadowing that one of them will be lost at sea.  Yes, true to Bachelor form, they’ll be left in a dinghy with only a paddle and their shame.  OK, maybe not, but I wouldn’t put it past these folks.

Immaturity – A Game of I Know You Are But What Am I

Do you not see how perfectly aligned my foot is with your head? Now call me immature one more time.

Rachel’s What Happened:  At the house, the guys are betting on which guy is coming back.  The majority say John because he’s got more swagger and he’s older.  Doug says that there is a huge difference between a guy at 21, 25, 30 and 35… which I’m going to say is true.  Chris, on the other hand, disagrees.  Ryan says he disagrees because he’s 25.  Chris doesn’t find that amusing and now he’s the cranky guy in the room saying it’s about life experiences.  Yeah, you haven’t had much of that either, Chris.  Hate to tell you.  And can we discuss why Michael is still here?  He couldn’t look more disinterested in what’s going on at any given time.  Anyway, Chris takes point with Doug for calling him out, even though Ryan said it.  OK, Chris, simmer down.  Your immaturity is showing.

Melissa:  What’s with Chris getting all sorts of snippy with the whole age thing in the hotel?  Chill my friend, she’s not going to ditch you for your age.  She’s going to ditch you because you annoy her.

But It’s Only A Table For Two

Cheers to the most awkward date any of us will ever be on… Hopefully.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back on the boat, the trio goes to Diving Board Island to jump off some cliffs.  Emily is having a great day with both the guys, but is looking forward to seeing the more serious side of the guys at dinner.  In the meantime, she’ll just frolic in the water with her mens.

Dinner turns out to be in a cave, where they are seated at a tiny table making an awkward date even more awkward.  Things don’t get better when Nate brings up the fact that they’re being served “kwi-noah”, which I’m pretty sure is actually pronounced keen-wah.  But regardless of the pronunciation, no one wants to eat the quinoa or anything else on their plate, which is the level of exciting TV we’re all enjoying right now.  Will they get to-go boxes?  Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat…  As stimulating as this all is, Emily breaks up the fun and takes Nate aside for some less awkward one-on-one time.  Well, I hope it’s less awkward.  Nate says he gets that he’s on this date because he hasn’t shown her anything to make her really interested in him.  She says that’s not how it works.  Well, maybe it works that way a little bit.  Nate opens up about wanting kids, his awesome family and his incredible brother.  That makes him cry.  It also makes him say “cheers” for the third time on this date.  Emily thinks he’s very sweet.  I think he’s going home.

John’s up next and he says that he’s actually not mad about the one-on-one because he’ll either rise to the top or not have to ride in the middle of the pack anymore.  He says that he’s not a “hey look at me guy”, which Emily likes.  After spending a quality 15 minutes with each guy, she knows what she wants to do.  My gut is saying John.  Emily gives her “you’re both great guys” speech, and then drops the bomb on Nate that she doesn’t see herself with him long-term.  She thinks Nate is still young and doesn’t have a lot of life experience under his belt.  And clearly, she doesn’t like the tears.  First, Tony and now Nate.  Take a lesson guys!  Keep the tears to yourself.

Melissa:  Oh, the dreaded 2 on 1 date where you are assured someone is going home.  Nate and John both realize the do or die aspect of their date but both seem so ridiculously wishy-washy if you ask me.  Cliff diving?  Oh HELL NO!!  Especially since I’d lose my top the second I hit the water, not to mention the complete wedgie my bottom would do on my business end.  HEY, they aren’t going to be lost at sea, but lost in caverns.  These 2-on-1’s crack me up with how completely awkward they are.  Wait, now they aren’t going to eat?  Who goes to dinner and doesn’t eat?  Maybe it’s me and I eat like every 2 hours but that just seems silly.  Nate needs to bring it back around before he’s left behind in that cave while Emily and John take their date back to the boat.  Ugh, and he’s a cryer?  Come on Nate, man up a bit if you expect to get that rose.  OK, I’m warming up to you John, and apparently so is Emily.  Too bad Nate couldn’t just chill and do a little spelunking before being sent off… never to be heard from again.

Cocktail Time

Ryan practices his moves for when he becomes the next Bachelor. I guess Michael’s ponytail made him the perfect practice dummy.

Rachel’s What Happened:  We get our “getting dressed time” with Emily & Ricki.  And look!  Emily looks fantastic!  No Ice Capades illusion netting!  No sparkles.  No gold.  Just a really beautiful white jumpsuit and a fantastic necklace.  I kinda need that pearl & metal necklace.

Anyway, it’s time for the cocktail party and hey, it’s one-on-one time with Alejandro!  He does a much better job wooing her than Alessandro did.  Nice.  I don’t know why I like him when I know nothing about him, but I do.

Next up, Ryan who is feeling very confident.  Ugh.  More Ryan.  None of the guys want more Ryan in her life either so Arie goes in to pull her away.  He says it’s because he wants to protect Emily, but it’s just as much to stick it to Ryan.  Not that I’m mad at that.  Meanwhile, Ryan is telling her that it was admirable of her to say to the guys that they can ask her any questions they want.  See, she’s the center of attention but that doesn’t make her worthy of the attention.  So, what does she think makes her worthy?  Oh Arie, please do not interrupt this right now.  I’m dying to hear how she responds to that incredibly demeaning question.  She sidesteps it and that says she wants someone who will get her back because she will get their back.  He is pleased… Ah, if only he had a beard to stroke while he evaluates her responses.  This is when Arie comes in and Emily couldn’t be happier to be rescued.  Ryan says that the guys see him as a threat, because as he forms a bond with Emily, they’re going to have to lash out against him.  And Arie is definitely not a threat.  Yeah, I’m going to say your way off on that one, buddy.  But as Ryan’s ego starts to wonder if he’s going to get a rose, he spins it into him knowing he’s meant for a higher calling.  You know, like doing The Bachelor.   Yes, because there is no higher calling than having ABC pick you a mate while degrading everything beautiful about the journey.  Yes, that is truly God smiling on you.  Or maybe he’s just really snickering behind your back.

Emily spends some time with Sean and they talk about how they like each other without really knowing each other.   I believe the kids call that “crushing” on someone.  He asks about Ricki and how she’d feel about Emily getting married, which apparently turns her on because they spend the rest of the time kissing.

I’m not going to back down from you. If I had an upper lip, I’d be keeping it stiff right now!

Meanwhile, Doug & Ryan discuss maturity.  Doug doesn’t think Chris is mature enough to be a father.  Chris still isn’t digging the dig and needs to talk to Emily.  He wants to reinforce that he’s ready for everything Emily’s situation brings to him.  He doesn’t believe it’s age but it’s experience.  OK, he keeps saying it and I would like to know exactly what that life experience is.  I also want to know how Doug thinking he’s not mature is putting him in jeopardy of going home.  He didn’t say it to Emily.  So, I’m thinking maybe Chris needs to chill out.  But of course that won’t happen when they’re in a house that’s a cocktail of raging testosterone and liquor.  So off Chris & Doug go for a chat.  Chris confronts Doug about his ageism.  Chris wants to know why Doug thinks he’s a better man.  Doug says he never said that (which he didn’t).  Chris says he thinks it (Does Chris have a Magic 8-Ball?), to which Doug responds by calling his behavior immature.  Well, that’s not going to help anything.  And it doesn’t.  Chris gets his panties into a bigger wad and says that he doesn’t trust him.  He thinks he’s trying to hide something.  Doug’s over the top humble and it pisses him off.  So Emily can be uber-genuine and humble, and that’s OK?  Doug laughs the whole thing off.  Ah, when egos collide.  Notice that every season, there’s always one guy that everyone thinks is too genuine?  What is that about?  Have we really come to a place where we have to be tough to be real?  Lord, I hope not.  But it’s time for the roses, so we’ll have to table that for another time.

Melissa:   Love that Kalon is rocking the glasses again.  I guess he thinks they worked for him last week so why risk it.  I’m kinda liking that jumper of hers with all those great necklaces.  Alejandro scores a little time, but I’m still not getting any vibes from the two of them.  Sweet Mary, what’s up with Jef rocking the Bermuda shorts and knee socks?  What the hell look are you going for there?  Little Lord Fauntleroy?  Ugh, Ryan is really starting to grate on my nerves, and I am as thankful as Emily is for Arie swooping in.  Wait, Ryan is being called to something bigger?  Is he becoming a priest?  Oh no, even a higher calling… Bachelor Augusta – OF COURSE!  OY, another wishy-washy speech from Arie, but I guess that’s how they’ll win her over.  It’s hearts, flowers and magical unicorns to save the day.  Personally I don’t think Chris is ready to be a spouse or father either, but what I don’t get is how he thinks Doug has the control to send him home?  Say what?  Is he drunk?

The Roses

It’s that time in the season where we have to fill time with Emily’s inner-most thoughts.

Rachel’s What Happened:  We’re getting down to the hard choices so that means it’s time for heart-to-hearts with Chris.  Emily says she’s having a hard time sending guys home. Chris asks if she thinks this process will work this time and she says yes, she’s hopeful.  She’s still wary of Doug’s perfection.  She’s giggly about Arie and unsure of Jef’s feelings for her.  Alejandro seems to think he’s ready for fatherhood but she isn’t sure.  She also has learned to trust her gut so when a guy thinks he’s pulling one over on her, she knows better.  She’s talking about you, Ryan.  She’s seeing the manipulations.  Good on you, Emily.  Now, send Ryan packing.  Though, I think Michael & Alejandro are going.  I can’t understand how Michael is still there in the first place.  Have I said that already?

Melissa:  I’m also predicting Michael and Alejandro are gone.  OH-HO, is she really seeing through Ryan a bit?  NICE, good girl!  You’re impressing me a bit, Miss Em.  I love the thunder in the background… It’s almost as believable as the laugh track on the Brady Bunch.

I see your manipulations and raise you a rose.

Staying:  Doug, Jef, John, Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro

Going:  Nate, Charlie & Michael

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Wait, what?  Charlie?  Why?  I’m so confused.  Michael gets teary on the way out and it’s the first time we actually see any personality from him.  Where were you so long?  Charlie is also sad, and that makes me sad.  He seems like a good guy.  Maybe someone told her about the tears…  And next week, the guy that calls Ricki “baggage” gets called out.  Dying to know who it is.  I think we all think Ryan, but it could be Kalon.  Thoughts?

Melissa:  Glad to see Emily has a bit more substance to her than I expected, but why she kept Ryan and sent Charlie packing is beyond me.  Maybe it was just so Chris could say “Sorry Charlie”.  It’s off to London for a jolly good time – cheers and pip-pip to you all.

For those you who watch the out-takes.  Emily just scored some points with this Winey Bitch with the running man. Oh, if only she had the right outfit on so we could have seen it!

The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 3 – Ride The Shoe Leather Express

One Sentence Summary:  Dolly Parton makes an appearance, and shockingly, isn’t the biggest boob this week thanks to some truly stupid comments from the men.

Our Thoughts:  

You find me sexy, no?

Rachel:  Well kiddies, this here Winey Bitch turned another year older this weekend, but not another year wiser as I celebrated like I was turning 21 again.  So, I will be playing the Bachelorette Drinking Game with some Tazo Calm tea tonight.  That’s right.  The hangover gods have unleashed their wrath on me and I’m lucky I’m even forming sentences at this point.  Here’s hoping Miss Emily takes it easy on me tonight and I don’t have to feel the room go spinning on me again.  Though you know you’re getting old when you come home from a night of partying and empty the dishwasher.  Yep, that’s ma vida loca.

Melissa:  Yeah, Kalon made the cut last week just to add an element of annoyance (OK, additional element).  However, it did help us add to our drinking game!  WOOHOO, thank you for that submission!  Unfortunately I’ve spent the day poolside pounding Twisted Teas… Lord help me with tonight’s episode.  I may have to switch to plain tea to keep up.  Anywho, this week Emily brings in her ladies to make sure the boys are on the up and up.  Now, I’ve been saying all along they need a few inside folks to get the real dirt.  FINALLY!!

Princess Emily

I said I wanted a non-fat half-caf mocha latte!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Welcome back to Princess Emily and her minions.  Mommy is making her breakfast in bed since Emily is so tired from all her dating.  You’ve been on 3 dates.  You could do more damage in an afternoon just by signing up for Match.com.  I’m thinking you’ll survive.  But we can’t start the show without an appearance from Ricki so that we all know she’s safe & happy.  Though this week, we only get a glimpse since it seems she’s also tired of playing for the cameras.

Melissa:  Wait, Emily gets breakfast in bed from her mom?  How do I get adopted into that family??  Yes, poor thing is so tired from her late night date nights. We feel for you Emily… Sha right.

Puppy Love

You may not be on a tropical island, but you’re still going to work for your date.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Chris is back to congratulate the guys for being part of the final 16.  What an accomplishment!  This week we have two individual dates and one group date.  And we hear the rules again since, you know, they haven’t changed in 22 seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Chris gets the first one-on-one date tonight and the other 15 guys start the panic sweat.

Chris and Emily head out on their date and she is telling him how cute he is again.  Has someone checked her for cataracts?  He has no upper lip!  Anyway, they’re going to have dinner with the best view in town – from the roof of a building.  However, there are no elevators to the top.  They’re going to have to work their way to the top.  Metaphor anyone?  It’s time to rappel for their grub.  Wait, do you rappel up as well as down?  Well, you do tonight.  And you gotta love that they figured out how to getting some outdoorsy rappelling happening in a major metropolitan area.  Oh wait, I forgot.  Charlotte is a quaint Southern town where our sweet little princess lives with all her friends and bluebirds land on her shoulders.  And up they go.  Emily is hoping to find her adventurous side, but it seems more like she’s finding her whiny side.  Not that I wouldn’t be scared as shit too when the lightening starts…  Of course they make it and Emily is feeling great because Chris was so supportive of her.  Ah yes, the love lessons that the Bachelorette teaches us.

Melissa:  Chris is super excited for his date with Emily.  I still don’t get how 100% invested these boys are like 2 hours into the whole process – OK fine, a week into it.  In true Bachelor fashion, we have our “death defying” proving ground for dates.  As the Bachelorette, can’t Emily just veto these activities?  Hey Chris what’s up with not going in for a kiss when you get to the top?  Are you kidding?  There’s something odd about Chris to me.  Not sure what it is, but there’s something.

Rachel:  He has no upper lip.

Luke Bryan performs and Emily makes Chris’s “speakers go boom boom.” Gotta love country music.

Rachel’s What Happened:  At dinner, Emily and Chris are getting their flirt on.  She’s definitely warm for his form.  She is impressed by him and says if she saw him at a bar, she’d be too nervous to speak to him.  OK, either this girl’s mirror is broken or she is really good at this false modesty game.  Or maybe she is just working the “tell me how hot I am and how much you like me” angle… Yeah, that’s it.  Now I’m wise to her game.  Chris tells Emily about his last (and only) girlfriend and that he’s 25.  Suddenly, hot Chris looks a lot like baby Chris.  Emily seems to have missed the memo that her date is still a puppy.  He says he knows he’s young, but he also knows he’s a man.  He’s ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood.  At least, that’s the line he’s towing.  She’s digging him so she’s willing to buy it… For now.  At least, long enough to take him to a country concert and do a little dancing.  And at the end, Chris manages to score the first official kiss of the season.  Oh look, all of Emily’s friends (aka – the residents of Charlotte) get to join them on the dance floor.  Wait, are the lyrics to this song really “You’re lookin’ so good in what’s left of those blue jeans. Drip of honey on the money maker gotta bee”?  Really?

Melissa:  HA, he’s typically not the guy to make the move… No kidding!  You just missed your chance at a kiss.  Ruh-roh… the “age” red flag for Emily.  No worries, he’s ready and he gets his rose.  I would LOVE to be on this show.  I would have them dancing like little puppets for my dates.  “Tonight I want John Legend to serenade me as I have dinner in New Orleans.  Then I want to have dessert in Chicago with Amos Lee.  Finally, as I drop off my date back at the house, I want fireworks.”  I wonder how much these people get paid to perform on the show?  FINALLY, the girl gets a lip smack.  You know she’s been waiting since the top of the building.

Dating As A Committee By Committee

The bachelors answer the tough questions to prove they’re really there for Emily… And by answer questions, we mean perform like monkeys in a circus.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the manse, Tony gives his son a call.  It bums him out to talk to his son because he’s missing him.  But he bucks himself up with the thought that he might be meeting his son’s future mama.  Of course, he’ll have to get a date card to make that happen.  And what coincidentally arrives at the house at that moment?  A date card!  Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Travis & Tony are going on a group date!  That leaves Kalon, Kyle and Arie behind.  I wonder who’s getting the next one-on-one…

Emily meets the boys at the park with a football in hand which Ryan takes as a personal love note to him.  Sean, on the other hand, is Bashful Smurf and laments to Doug that he doesn’t know how to approach women.  But before he can muster his courage, Emily disappears over the hill and meets up with her girlfriends. She tells them that they’re going to be interviewing the guys on her date today.  I’m pretty sure the guys would rather have their toenails pulled out one by one than be interrogated by Emily’s girlfriends, but they’ll all fake smile and play along.  And while I’d like to rip this idea to shreds, it’s pretty friggin smart.  I wish I could put my potential boyfriends up to a panel of my girls.  Would save me a lot of time… Like a lot a lot.  And my girls don’t play the Southern charm card either.  First up, Tony.  He is asked what they have in common.  And he gets to drop his card on them – the son.  Point for Tony.  Next Jef is asked if he’s ever dated a woman with a child.  He says yes and tells them about the woman with two children.  They give him some advice which is to actually let Emily know he’s into her.  Too bad they didn’t give him advice about the hair.  Doug, check.  Ryan, check.  Charlie, check.  Then Travis and his egg, Shelly, show up.  The girls aren’t as charmed by it as he had hoped.  No one is Travis.  It’s just weird.  Mark (Wolf) says his worst quality is… Well, he doesn’t get to answer because the girlfriends assume it’s cheating.  He says he’s never cheated and is summarily dismissed.  Not sure he passed that one.  Stevie does the robot for them.  He & his soul patch need to go home already.  Finally, Sean gets to give some info about himself.  He talks about his faith and how his father  taught him to be a man.  The girls swoon.  Wendy even gets him to do some shirtless push-ups… Drink twice for this nonsense, kiddies.

As if that weren’t enough, a clown car of kids is let loose on the guys.  The boys are sent off to play in the park with them and put their money where their mouths are about loving children.  Ryan quickly has his fill of the kids and interrupts girl talk for some alone time with Emily.  His alone time crashes and burns when he says it’s not ok if she goes downhill (looks-wise, I’m assuming) after marriage.  Um, dude, you never say that to a woman and you never ever EVER say that to a woman in front of her friends.  Emily says she’d still love him if he were fat.  He says he would love her fat, he just might not love ON her as much.  And Ryan has hit the skids and tumbled to the bottom of my list.  Enjoy that limp back to the kids after you just shot yourself in the foot.  Arrogant ass.    The girls like Sean & Doug most.  I’m definitely a Doug fan so that makes me happy.

Melissa:  Poor Tony.  I can’t imagine how hard it is to leave your child to be on a show like this.  At least we know this is setting the stage for a breakdown at some point tonight.  Is it evil of me to want a little something exciting in the way of man tears?

Yeah, it’s all fun and games, boys, until you meet the firing squad that awaits beyond the ridge.  I love these girls plotting their approaches for the men… BRILLIANT move producers.  Doug, is still up on the points with me.  And what an awesome reaction to Travis & the crazy egg!  I can’t believe the egg man is still here.  I think Sean is seriously scoring points with Wendy, and I love her taking advantage of her position.  As would I, if the Winey Bitch ever goes on this show… How awesome would that be??

Cocktails and man tears.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for cocktails and jockeying for Emily’s attention.  Emily spends some time with Sean since he made a great first impression with the girls.  He says he’s very selective about who he dates because he won’t settle for less than the best.  I’m really not getting the attractiveness of Sean.  He seems super naive to me and I don’t find him to be as hot as the ladies seem to have found him.  I’m not mad at the abs, but he loses me after that.  Next up, the other favorite, Doug.  Emily wants to get to know more about Doug than just the dad part.  Doug tells her that his mom left him & his sister when they were young.  Their father, who had epilepsy, became a single dad and was raising them on his own.  Sadly, he suddenly passed away from his disease because he didn’t want to spend their grocery money on a doctor.  Oh my God, my heart is so broken for him right now.    He feels badly telling her his sad story, but Emily is impressed with how he hasn’t let it make him bitter.  OK, if she doesn’t marry him, can she send him my way?  I think Doug could get down with the cougar love.  Don’t you?

Meanwhile, Tony is feeling emotional after being with the kids today.  He’s trying to be strong but it’s tough.  When he see Emily, he tells her that he needed the time with some kids.  He gets a little teary talking about his son.  Emily tries to reassure him that it’s harder on him than his son and it is good to focus on yourself once in a while.  He steps outside with Doug and says that he’s thought about going home.  Doug says if his son is in a good place then he should focus on being here and remember that 9 weeks to a 5-year-old is a blip on the radar.  So, instead of sucking it up and pushing through, he calls his son and makes the pain worse.  OK, I don’t have kids, so I’m totally talking out of turn, but if he wants to stay, he’s going to have to suck it up & stop the self-torture.  Emily finds Tony in the alley crying & tries to console him.   She feels badly and she doesn’t want to keep him there if she’s not feeling it 110%.  So, off Tony goes into the sunset.  Yeah, guess he might have wanted to suck it up a little faster.  Damn, this girl is picking them off like flies.  I like it.  She tells the guys that she sent Tony home and they all respect and understand the decision (and are internally stoked that another guy bit the dust).  Jef isn’t shy about saying it out loud… to the camera… when Emily’s not around.  Emily gives the date rose to Sean for backing up who he is.  Um, with what?  Words?  And once again, the Latinos get no air time.  WTF?

Melissa:  I like the interaction with Sean and Emily.  And way to go saying her friends are awesome.  Let’s hope Doug can pull out of the “Dad” image and show more of himself to Emily.  Yeah, I think he nailed it with the Dad story and being split from his sister in Foster Care.  You make me adore you more and more each week, Doug.  Tony begins his breakdown talking about spending time with the kids and how it makes him miss his son even more.  I really do feel for him and how hard it seems to be on him.  I’ve said it before, I don’t know how they can do it.  Aw, I love Doug as the calming voice of reason.  I think Doug needs to be the next Bachelor!!  We should totally start that petition.  I respect Emily letting Tony go, and I think he needed her to tell him to go.  Poor guy was just beyond tortured being away from home.  Sean gets the date rose… I knew him taking his shirt off would have sealed it for him with Wendy.

Dreams of Dollywood

Emily is on her dream date and it has nothing to do with the guy sitting next to her.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And the final date card has arrived.  The lucky winner is Arie.  He’s excited to see Emily and take this up a notch.  Oh, I have a feeling there’s going to be some serious upping of the notches here.  Chris says he has a hard time believing Emily will have the same chemistry with Arie, or any other guy for that matter, that he has with her.  Um, have you actually looked at Arie?  And you did hear that he is a race car driver… and the son of a very famous race car driver, right?  And he has an upper lip?  Just checking.

Anywho, Emily and Arie jet off to Tennessee to Dollywood.  They grab a lemonade, play games in hopes of winning a toy for Ricki and ride the roller coaster while Emily has a mini meltdown.  Next they go to the theater to write a love song, but are quickly interrupted by one Miss Dolly Parton.  I seriously love me some Dolly and Emily clearly does too by her awesome reaction.  She has been a fan since she was little and this is the best surprise she could imagine.  And for a few minutes, Emily wants to give the date rose to Dolly.  Dolly sings while she & Arie dance.  Well, Emily mostly stares at Dolly who tells her that she wrote that song for the two of them.  Emily gets some girl-talk time with Dolly who says that she knows love can last.  She’s been married for almost 46  years and tells Emily to keep the faith.  Then it’s one more song from Dolly and a slow dance with Arie.  He gets major points when he kisses her forehead during the dance.  OK, this is a pretty fantastic date.

Melissa:  I am loving those boots of hers!  No, she did not just take him to Dollywood!!  That’s awesome.  Well played Arie to win something for Ricki Bobby.  You know that scores the points with Emily.  Again with the “meet your fears” approach to dates on the roller coaster?  How cute is Emily when she sees Dolly?  WOW, I didn’t know Dolly has been married for 45 years.  You go, girl!  OMG, I totally want her to marry Arie so Dolly can sing this for their first dance!  Oh  crap, I think that was all the Twisted Tea catching up to me… Sorry.

Did you just say “but”? Don’t say “but”.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Once the Dolly haze wears off, it’s time for dinner and Emily wants to know about his ex-girlfriend with the two kids.  He admits that it was tough breaking up with his ex because he became so attached to her kids.  He said that he wanted to have more kids and she said she didn’t want them.  One would think that would have come up before you both moved in together.  But that being said, the whole thing blew up, and apparently, she didn’t like racing either.  Um, and she was dating him why?  He says a lot of guys will say they’re ready but they don’t really know the reality of it.  He knows he’s ready because he lived it.  He knows what it takes.  I like this guy for her.  OK, he & Doug are my boys.  He wonders if she can handle his busy schedule.  She says she embraces that because she likes her alone time.  All the right answers happening here and she grabs the rose.  But instead of just handing it over, she makes him think she’s sending him home.  Ha, OK, I’ll give her a tip of the hat on that one.  Ah, good times, y’all.  Good times.  Will there be another kiss on the show tonight?  That would be a big fat yes.  Chris who?

Side bar:  Is Emily only allowed to wear Daisy Dukes and stripes?  I know stripes are in (and I’ve personally enjoyed the trend), but come on, give the girl some options.  And while we’re on the subject, she is so much cuter with less make-up.  She looks a solid ten years younger… which would be her actual age.

Melissa:  I like Arie and Emily too.  I like how they quietly interact and I am starting to like him overall a bit more.  He’s no Doug now, but he’s moving up.  Wait, does anyone else feel like making out on a merry-go-round seems a little dirty?

Cocktails & Cocksure Comments

On the left, bad calls. On the right, good calls.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the requisite viewing of Emily & Ricki getting ready for the cocktail party.  Another Stars on Ice costume that is doing no favors for her boobs for Emily as she heads off to see the mens.  Emily tells them that she feels like she’s really taken a step forward this week getting to know the guys and feels a few crushes developing.  That being said, she asks Kalon for one-on-one time and it looks like the men are going to have to sit back and wait for their fate tonight.  Kalon says he took it personally when he didn’t get a date this week.  Chip on the shoulder much?  He hasn’t had to share much in his life and he’s not enjoying sharing her.  Girl, dump him now and dodge the bullet.  You don’t want to date that ego.  He says her sending Tony home showed her to be a lady of class.  She asks him about his feelings about kids.  He says he didn’t dream that his first child wouldn’t be his own.  She interrupts him to ask about his mom having been a single mom and how it would feel if someone said that to her.  Kalon says that while he loves hearing her talk, he wishes she’d let him finish.  The fact that she didn’t get up and walk away at that moment proves she is truly a lady of class and a helluva lot kinder than I would have been in that situation.  What a dick.  He continues by saying that his mother taught him that he has to let go of control.  That parenthood forces you to let go of control.  Too bad she didn’t teach him about respect.  In her personal interview, Emily compliments his mother’s raising of him, but didn’t like his comment.  She likes tall, skinny & cute.  She doesn’t like tall, skinny & condescending.  Amen, sister.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Send him home!

Travis pulls Emily aside and tells her it’s time to get rid of the egg.  Er, I mean Shelly.  I think this is long overdue.  Emily throws Shelly to the ground and I think she was visualizing Kalon when she did it.  Finally, we get time with one of the Latin Lovers!  She is talking to Alessandro and asks how he’d be with kids.  He says he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids.  She asks why she would trust him then.  He says she’d have to teach him and he’s obviously open to it if he’s willing to compromise and be there.  Um, compromise?  Bad word choice, dude.  Let’s hope it’s a language barrier.  She says, maybe you meant “honor”?  He says no, he meant compromise.  He would have to tell his job that he couldn’t travel, or move because he had a wife & kid and that would be a compromise.  Oh boy, so much for that language barrier.  There are some really stupid boys in the house this week.  Lots of shoe leather in the mouth.  This can’t possibly bode well for Alessandro.  Dammit, I wait all this time for some Latin Lover and this is what I get?  Disappointed.  But not as disappointed as Emily who immediately escorts him out of the house.  Apparently, this is after he told her friends he’s cheated as well.  Smooth character this guy.  He says on his way to the airport that he couldn’t give Emily & Ricki what they want anyhow since he lives like a gypsy with all the freedom he’s ever wanted.  So what exactly were you doing on the show?  If you think you’re doing her a favor by compromising yourself, you’re sorely mistaken.  But being that you’re on your way back to Minnesota alone, you probably already figured that one out.

Emily is understandably pissed and Arie brings her a cocktail and a hug.  Smart guy.  Hot and smart guy.  I want one!  The guy.  Not the cocktail… though I probably wouldn’t turn down the cocktail either.  Ryan is shocked to find that Arie & Emily are kissing in the house.  Guess you aren’t king of the mountain after all.  Good Ol’ Boy Sean gets her alone and says he’s been missing her.  He said if this were real life, he would have texted her already and wanted to see her.  But he wants to talk to her about his readiness to be a great dad thanks to the lessons his father has taught him.  He says Ricki would be his child as far as he’s concerned.  Perfect time to say that, Sean.  Well played.  And he gets some lip out of the deal.  Oh boy, Ryan’s rectangle head is going to explode if he finds out.

Melissa:  Kalon goes for the “smart guy” look in hopes of wooing our fair Emily.  Oh snap, he did not just tell her to hush up so he could talk.  That was very stupid, my dear.  Shelly is gone and I didn’t even know that the egg had a name!  We’ll miss you… Enjoy afterlife with Humpty Dumpty.  OK Alessandro, clearly you need to think through your words, or maybe it really is the language barrier.  Compromise is NEVER a good word to use when you’re speaking of a child – that will earn you a ticket home… which it just did.  Buh-bye, Gypsy King.  Oh, a little sneaky smooch from Arie to console her after her trying night.  Nice.  Oh Sean, you’re moving up too, winning me with your sweetness.

Rose Ceremony

Don’t make me mad. You wouldn’t like me when I’m mad.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony.  Two guys have already been sent packing so only one guy is going to be the odd man out at tonight’s ceremony.

Staying:  Chris, Arie, Sean, Jef, Charlie, Doug, Michael, Travis, Alejandro, Ryan, John, Kalon & Nate.

Going:  Tony, Alessandro and Break-dancing Stevie

But before we say good-bye, Ryan is still fuming about Arie & Emily kissing.  Apparently, he’s not going to sit back and let another man move in on his territory.  He’s a competitor and Arie is his unwitting enemy.  Did he just call Arie “dainty”?  That’s dainty to you?  Ok, ‘Roid Rager, time to simmer down.  You are just finding new levels of bottom tonight.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Well, some of the crew is certainly getting motley.  Ryan certainly fell from grace fast this week.  And we all knew Kalon was a douche bag but I thought he’d manage to play it cooler than that with Emily a little bit longer.  But in the end, Stevie and his soul patch got sent packing.  I’m surprised he actually stuck around this long.  I still think it’s Arie’s to lose, but I’m also pulling for Doug.  And Charlie.

Melissa:  Color me wringing my hands with delight.  Man, we saw some seriously bad sides to some of these boys this week!  Sadly, Kalon makes it through another week, BUT since we added him to the drinking game, I guess we need to keep him here another week to ensure we’re all completely drunk by the end of the show.

The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 2 – Let The Games Begin

One Sentence Summary:  Emily goes on her first dates with a little help from Kermit & Miss Piggy.

Our Thoughts:  

Emily, Schmemily. This is what you call a blonde bombshell.

Rachel:  Oh, how I love that the Muppets are popular again.  Such a happy  memory from my childhood.  The show, the movies, the songs…. The Rainbow Connection, Bein’ Green… which is what I have a feeling I will be when I am done watching this episode.  Between the gosh gollies and the drinking game we so brilliantly devised, I think it’s going to be a nauseating evening.  Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but I’m bracing for impact.  And by that, I mean I’m holding on tight to my wine glass.  BTW, I read an interesting article in this week’s In Touch magazine that claims that this group of Bachelors is the wealthiest group ever.  They say that not only is Emily getting paid double what the other Bachelorettes & Bachelors have gotten paid, but that all the men had to be “prequalified as wealthy.”  Don’t be fooled by job descriptions like “mushroom farmer” either.  Apparently, Alejandro has made a fortune selling eco-friendly grow-your-own-mushroom kits.  And Arie’s last name?  Luyendyk.  Now, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger… Not that I necessarily blame her.

Melissa:  Well this week it’s up to the guys to prove they can be a good papa to Ricky Bobby, and yeah, there will be a little hanging with the Muppets… How awesome is that??

Homies 

The obligatory weekly strolls are now replaced by taking Ricki to the park while we hear deep thoughts.

Rachel’s What Happened:  So it’s official.  The bachelors are in a mansion in Charlotte and not being held hostage in a Holiday Inn like Melissa was worried they were.  Not sure that warrants us having to watch a news broadcast on the subject, but I guess we’re going to have to be reminded constantly that this season is being filmed in Charlotte, as if we can’t remember that from week to week.  Or maybe we’re supposed to believe all their nonsense about how Charlotte is this tiny Southern town that’s been invaded by the Bachelorette.  Um, hate to burst your “quaint little southern” bubble, but there are 1.5 million people hanging out in the Charlotte Metro area.  That does not a small town make.  No, it’s not Los Angeles, but it’s not like you moved production to Poughkeepsie.  And call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure most of the Charlotte residents were blissfully unaware that Emily was honoring them with her quest for love.

But what’s really important here, we find out, is that Emily is able to stay in touch with her mom & friends during this process since she’s in Charlotte as we see her in the park have a pow-wow with her girls about her upcoming dates.  Man, they are really breaking all their rules for this girl.  She must have a vajayjay dipped in gold the way people are bending over backwards for her on this show.  That or the ratings must have been really low on the last Bachelorette that they needed a sure thing this time around.  I’m going to go with the latter, though I’m not ruling out the former just yet.

Melissa:  Um, did we have to intro with the news update?  I mean I get that it’s big, but come on.  I don’t like that she gets to have people to talk to.  I think I want to be selfish and have her be completely confused and only have the bag of rocks Chris to bounce things off of.  Speaking of… Chris, everyone knows how the show works.  You don’t need to give the details again… and again and again…  Though I have to give the guys props for looking “surprised” to hear that they might not get a rose on a date and have to go home immediately.

‘Tangle Head 2

This was not my idea of a hot first date.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time to find out who got the first one-on-one date – AKA the first guy to have a target on his back.  And the first lucky bachelor is… drum roll… Ryan!  He’s one of my frontrunners so I hope he brings the magic.  Well, first I hope he does something about that ridiculous haircut, then I hope he brings the magic.  Though maybe it’s less his hair and more that his head is a perfect rectangle.  I think he might even be more of a “‘tangle head” than Ames was… and we know how I loved me some Ames.  He’s like Ames on steroids.  Anywho, I do like that he says that if you treat a woman like a queen she will treat you like a king.  More men need to understand that.  Well, more men that I date.  Ryan wonders what the date will be like and thinks maybe airplanes or hot air balloons.  Instead, he gets to help Emily bake cookies at her house for her daughter’s soccer game.  Anyone else see the light go out in Ryan’s eyes?  Haven’t I been saying that the ridiculous over-the-top dates are just set-ups for disappointment when real life strikes?  Glad to see someone has been listening.  Now if only I could get that “On The Wings Of Love” request granted.  While I doubt this all she has in store, it’s a good first date.  On a side note, I have the same t-shirt that Ryan is wearing.  Wonder what that says about his fashion sense… or mine…. other than we both buy t-shirts at Old Navy.

Meanwhile, the guys are back at the mansion discussing whether or not Ryan will meet Ricky on the first date.  Doug, who also has a child, says no way.  Emily proves him right by taking the cookies to the soccer game and leaving Ryan sitting in the car wondering when he’s going to get to ride in a helicopter.  He says he is actually pretty honored to be spending this day with Emily and being part of her everyday life.  Two thumbs up for Ryan.

Melissa:  Ryan, who clearly just woke up or has mastered the art of the rooster-bed-head look, gets the first date with Emily.  No pressure dude, you can either set the bar high, or just lay it on the floor.  Love the obligatory shirtless scene as he gets ready.  OK, now it’s time for the ladies to enjoy some eye candy… Rather, attempts at it.  Seriously producers, you bring the Winey Bitches on board, and we’ll give the audience something to look at.  Wait, are you kidding me?  Date time is bringing in groceries and “Mommy” stuff?  Well, at least there’s a realistic aspect to this season.  Of course Ryan thinks it’s “awesome”.  He ain’t no dummy.

I’m glad to see that Ryan isn’t going to meet Ryan, because that’s just a wee much if you ask me.  It’s not right to put a child into that situation.  So he’s not wandering down to soccer practice, but she’s not going to stay.  OK Emily, consider that your first ding…  Just showing up to pass out treats then jetting for a date?

As cool as the other side of the pillow.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Since Ryan passed the “dressed-down baking cookies hanging at home” test, he gets dinner with Emily.  And clearly we’re stepping it up a notch with her rented Maserati.  They show up at a restaurant with fans outside waiting to take pictures of Emily.  You know, because Charlotte is a small town and she considers everyone her friend.  Seriously?  Come on.  Look I get she’s got a “role” to play, but cut us some slack.

Hey, this Ryan is a smooth character.  Emily is afraid the guys will see this as a game to win and not really want her in the end.  Ryan says that, for some of the guys, it will be a game.  But he wants to compete in the sense that he wants to put his best foot forward at all time.  Well played.  He makes her start to think that there are some other guys there for the wrong reasons while he’s just a good ol’ boy.  See. Smooth.  Emily is smitten with Ryan but is afraid he’s too perfect… kinda like Brad.  Wait, are we talking about the same Brad?  The one that had to have therapy sessions for his anger issues during the Bachelor?  The one you didn’t even make it to After The Final Rose with? That perfect guy? And are we going to have to endure her comparing every guy to Brad for the entire season?  It’s like Ashley & Bentley all over again.  Well, at least Emily had an actual relationship with Brad.  That puts her a good solid step ahead of Ashley.  Though I feel like she might be right about him being a little too perfect…  He says he wants her to make it hard for him and to make her chase him.  Yeah, sure you do, dude.  Smitten with Ryan, she gives him the rose and ends the date with a concert by Gloriana.  Ah, now the people all make sense.  They’re there for the concert.  Friends/Gloriana fans…. Same difference.  Well played, producers.  Speaking of hot dates, that lead singer for Gloriana is yum.  If I were Emily, I’d be lobbying to add him to the mansion.

Melissa:  Holy putting the poor guy on the spot before appetizers!  Couldn’t even let him get a cocktail down before she started with the hard questions.  Wait, she doesn’t want to be the prize?  Um, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone on a show that offers you up as a prize… Twice.

Group Date Time

Lust knows no humiliation.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Thirteen lucky bachelors are heading out for the first group date of the season.  They are:  Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Jef, John, Chalrie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon.  Let’s note that my other frontrunner, Arie, is not on the list.  A one-on-one date for the Dutch boy?  The guys find out they’re going to be performing in a show to raise money for the The Ricky Hendrick Centers for Intensive Care at The Levine Children’s Hospital.  That just rolls off the tongue.  Boy, I hope these guys realize they’re going to live in the shadow of her late fiancee the rest of their lives…

Anyway, she brought some friends along to help her – Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.  OK, how can you not smile when you see the Muppets?  So, some guys get to dance, some get to sing and some are doing stand-up comedy with Fozzie Bear.  No one is super thrilled about performing in front of an audience (even though they’re on a TV show in front of millions of people), but Charlie is having an actual meltdown.  He has insecurities about speaking which is putting “fear in his heart” so he goes to see Emily.  He tells her that he’s embarrassed, but he doesn’t know if he can do the comedy routine he’s been assigned on his own due to the speech issues he has from his accident.  Emily has no issue with it and moves him to a different part of the show.  Seriously though, anyone who would have an issue with that would seriously need to have their head examined for trauma.  Aw, sweet Charlie.  I want to hug him.  Tight.  And have him hug me back.  Tight.  You know, I like to help where I can.

Emily performs a  musical routine with a few guys.  Charlie holds his own in an interview with Miss Piggy.  And Kyle and John do their comedy routine.  Let’s be honest, after the disaster that was Ashley’s comedy date, we’re all cringing waiting to hear this go down.  But it seems only the lame jokes were cringe-inducing this time around.  One more reason for Ashley to stick another pin in her Emily voodoo doll.

Melissa:  Love that the guys line up to give her a hug… That cracks me up.  Oh tonight’s for charity.  OK, I can’t snark on that.  I can snark on the rest, but not that.  So jealous they are chilling with Kermit and Miss Piggy and Fozzie!  Poor Charlie has a fear of public speaking.  UGH, hopefully Emily cuts him a little slack.  I know I would, and he’s even sweeter now.  Alright, here’s my question… Why do the producers continue to make the bachelors attempt to be funny?  It never is and they look like jackasses.  Oh, love how well Charlie did with Miss Piggy!!  He’s climbing the rungs with me!!  I’m also loving this show.  Who doesn’t love the Muppets and charity?  You wily Bachelorette Producers… You always know how to pull me back in.  I even have a teary moment during the Rainbow Connection!  DAMN YOU!!

Are you really talking to me?

Time for the cocktail party… and for the men to jockey for one-on-one time.  I have to say I do get a bit of a chuckle out of watching men fumble over themselves to impress her.  She tells Chris he’s so good looking, but he doesn’t come across as someone that thinks that.  Yeah, I’m wondering if it’s because he’s not actually that good looking.  He’s one of those guys that looks good from certain angles but as soon as you catch him from another angle, it doesn’t work anymore.  It’s confusing to my little head.  Jef isn’t giving Emily any attention and she wants to know why, which puts him into a bit of defensive mode.  He thinks this process is weird and she says she knows how he feels.  Poor thing looks like a deer with Rick Astley hair caught in headlights.  Stevie goes slow-dancing with Emily & is busted by Charlie who finds it hilarious.  The other guys go to check it out, which gives Kalon time to plot his next move…. which is to cut in on the dance & steal Emily.  His one-on-one time is cut super short when Aaron cuts in.  Kalon says they just started talking & asks for two minutes.  Aaron isn’t feeling like giving any more charity tonight and says nope.  Well, that wasn’t very nice, Aaron, even if you don’t like Kalon.  Did you forget your manners back in Long Beach?  When Kalon tells the story to some of the guys, Stevie calls him out because he cut in on his time with Emily & tells him that he doesn’t like him.  While I do think Kalon has some douche tendencies, I gotta give this one to him.  Sorry Stevie, you missed the point in your quest to me a hard ass.  And while we’re on the subject of missing the point, the facial hair situation you have going on… Yeah.  Thankfully Emily comes back before blows are thrown to award the date rose.  She gives it to Jef and I think it surprised him as much as it surprised all the other guys who were sure it was going to them.  Apparently, the aloof thing – and the hair – are working for him.

Melissa:  OK, if Charlie doesn’t get the group date rose I’m gonna be pissed.  Way to backpedal your way out of being called aloof, Jef.  Not super convincing.  Stevie gets pulled away from Emily by Kalon who then loses her to Aaron… Oh boys.  Wait a minute, Jef with his Jiffy Pop hair gets the rose and not Charlie?  Oh, I’m mad at you girl.

Oh No, Joe

The only thing getting Emily wet on this date is the pool… And it’s 100 years old.

Rachel’s What Happened:   Joe gets the second one-on-one date which leaves Sean, Arie and Travis out in the cold this week.  Emily thinks he looks like Matthew McConaughey.  Really?  Are we talking about the same Matthew McConaughey that likes to smoke pot and play his bongos naked?  Yeah, I’m missing the memo on that one.  Apparently, Joe doesn’t have to pass the “down-home dude” test like Ryan did since he pulls up in a limo to Emily on a red carpet in front of a lear jet.  They’re headed to West Virginia where her heart is.  Unfortunately, the people of WV needs less heart and more dentists.  That would be more helpful, I think.

I gotta say that Joe has a bit of a lurker vibe to me.  I can totally see him doing drive-bys at night to make sure his girlfriend is home like she says she is.  Emily is taking lurker to the Greenbrier Hotel which is a beautiful hotel that has been in business since the late 18th century.  Wow, it really is beautiful.  And you know I had to look up the prices of their hotel rooms… Um, yeah, you’re looking at a solid $700 per night.  But hey, they give you free breakfast!  Let me tell you that that breakfast had better be served to me in bed by a Christian Bale look-alike who feeds me each bite while telling me how beautiful I am.

Back at the date, Joe & Emily go for a swim in the 100-year-old pool where Emily spent her childhood and Joe wins the first view of Emily in a bathing suit.

Melissa:  Joe gets the 3rd date card with Emily & the remaining boys start to sweat it out.  So she jets off to West Virginia with Joe, and if I were Ryan I’d be questioning cookie time versus jetting off.

Cruisin’ For a Bruisin’

You better check yourself…

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the house, Kalon is once again putting himself in the crosshairs with the other guys.  He says that it’s a crazy thing to contemplate embracing someone else’s child as his own.  Really, dude?  You do realize that Ricky isn’t part of the a la carte menu, right?  She’s part of the Emily entree.  No substitutions.  Needless to say, this doesn’t still well with Doug  who warns him to be very thoughtful about being with a woman with a child and tells all the guys to make sure they’re ready for it.  Smooth Moves Kalon responds with a comment about how Doug put fatherhood “on hold” to be there, insinuating that Doug isn’t as serious about it as he claims to be.  Oh no you did not just go there.  You don’t insult someone’s parenting.  Especially if that someone can snap you like a twig.  You’re about to get those sporty little Ray-Bans crushed into a thousand pieces.  Doug warns him to be very careful about what he’s saying.  If Kalon makes it out of here without suffering some kind of broken bone, it will be a miracle.

Melissa:  I love the words of wisdom from the daddies in the group until Kalon puts his foot in his mouth with Doug.  Guess what sweetie, you’re knocking the guys for putting thier kids on hold, but saying it’s perfectly acceptable for Emily to do it… You’re an ass.  PLUS, you’re not sure if you could handle being a father to someone else’s child… Um, what do you think this is?  It’s a big Daddy Interview… Now you’re an imbecile too.  You know I’m totally hoping for a smack down because Doug is my boy.

Oh No, Joe, Part 2

Wait, I have to tell you how badly I feel so that I don’t feel so badly.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the Greenbrier, Emily & Joe head to dinner.  BTW, there is so much pink & green in this episode that I’m starting think that I’ve been transported back to 1984 without my knowledge.  Emily is hoping dinner helps her find that spark with Joe, because right now it’s missing.  Guess he doesn’t look THAT much like McConaughey.  She asks him the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question.  Yeah, if you’re asking job interview questions on a date, you’re probably trying to create a spark with a wet match.  He says he wants to be happy and he’ll move anywhere for her if he’s the last guys standing.  Stalker.

As the conversation continues to drag, Emily is still forced to let him know that they are having dinner under the Love Clock whose legacy is that you write a love note, put it inside the clock & it will stand the test of time.  I think right now the clock  is less about love and more just is a loud ticking reminder to Emily of how this date is dragging along second by second.  Joe writes a very sweet note about coming back someday with her & Ricky, which makes her teary.  Sadly though, the tears aren’t the kind that get you a date rose.  They’re the kind that gets your suitcase plucked from the foyer in front of the other guys.

Emily tells Joe that she doesn’t see where he fits in her life.  I’m not sure you can actually suss that out on a first date, but we are talking about a reality show.  Plus, it’s a much more palatable explanation than “I think you’re a lurker.”  She tries to give him the ol’ “I think you’re wonderful” parting speech, but Joe can’t get out of there fast enough.  Don’t blame him, really.  I find the fake “It’s not you, it’s me” moments painful.  I mean clearly it’s him since he’s the one getting dumped… on national television… after one date.  Guess that swim didn’t make the right kind of waves.  Well, first casualty of the night is out of the way.  And Emily still gets to watch the hotel’s fireworks show.  Hey, they were already paid for.

Melissa:  Ruh-ro, Emily is trying to find the spark.  Not a good sign.  Joey better step us his love game.  Tread carefully with the “I’ll give it all up for you”, my dear, because that rose just may wilt sitting there on the plate while you’re shuttled off to the airport.  Does he at least get to fly back on the cool plane or is it just the next coach flight back to his hometown?  HA, fireworks even.

Cocktails With A Twist of Awkward

I’m just going to stand here & stare awkwardly as Emily reads you love note. Out loud. For seven pages.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the cocktail party and the guys are sweating it.  She’s already sending guys home so it’s all coming into sharp focus that she’s not messing around.  Arie scores some one-on-one time and then scores some points when he drops into conversation that he dated a woman who had children.  I guess it’s the second best way to prove you like kids after actually having them.  Ryan steals some time next which no one like since he’s safe.  Tony takes the opportunity to interrupt, but unfortunately, Tony walks in as Emily is given a sweet note from Ryan that she reads out loud in front of him…. while he waits for his turn.  And there’s no part of that note that’s short.  Apparently, Ryan isn’t a “get right to the point kind of guy.”  Not enough words for awkward.  Finally, Tony gets his time and he tells her about his son.  As would be expected, it gives Tony a boost on the likability scale.  When are the Latin Lovers going to make a move?  They’ve had exactly zero face time.  I want to hear about mushroom farming and grain production.  Ok, I don’t, but the accents work for me.  But instead Kalon has to get some more time and drive all the guys crazy.

Melissa:  Arie finally gets some time with our Miss E, and spills about his past dating a woman with 2 kids… Well played, my friend.  Show her you’re cool with kids.  Ha, it’s the whole “you have a rose, you’re safe, give us a chance” moment for the boys.  Too bad Ryan doesn’t care since he has a love novel to deliver.  OY, that’s just all sorts of wrong.  At least Tony gets to drop the “I have a kid too” news and feel like he has a “connection” with Emily.  Oh boy, it’s the Kalon show again.  He’s slipping down the scale with me.  Fast.

Rose Ceremony

One bachelor down. Two more to go.

Safe:  Ryan, Jef, Kalon, Arie, Michael, Nate, Sean, Chris, Doug, Travis, Tony, John, Allesandro, Charlie, Allejandro, Stevie

Going Home:  Joe, Aaron & Kyle

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Well Aaron, I guess throwing that attitude at Kalon on the group date didn’t work out so well for you.  It’s all about the Southern manners on this go-around, friend.  Too bad the Clark Kent glasses weren’t enough to overcome that faux pas.  Ah well… And Kyle, we hardly knew ye.

Melissa:  Of course Kalon gets a rose!!  The producers want me to be annoyed with at least one person for week 3.  I swear, one of these seasons a man (or woman) is going to just give back their rose because some idiot got one.  She’s just lucky Charlie and Doug got their roses or I would full on boycott.  BTW, boys, you didn’t get your heart broken 2 weeks after meeting someone.  Give it up.