Tag Archives: Marlo Hanson

One Sentence Summary:  Another cast trip is planned, but one housewife is out and she may not be back.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   So, all I want for Christmas this year is for this to really be Kim’s last episode.  All this drama in the preview and her walking out better be for real.  I can’t take much more of her and her hideous behavior.  Seriously, there is about zero that I find interesting or enchanting about her, her family or her move.  And let’s not get me started on Sweetie.  She has suffered a fame aneurysm and I think there’s probably a zero chance of recovery on this one.  Nene’s return from the edge has been nothing short of a miracle and miracles don’t happen twice in one show.  So, I am holding the door open for Kim and waiting for her to make her exit a permanent on.  Now.  Quick.  Please.  And don’t pull some stunt where you come back to the show 3 episodes from now with some BS excuse about how these bitches aren’t going to dictate your life.

Melissa:  Wait, there’s a trip already?  Didn’t the season just start?  Why are they sending them away already?  I don’t understand.  My confusion aside I need to give a huge shout out to my awesome partner in sass for helping a bitch out this week and picking up my slack.  Poor thing has back issues picking up all my slack… I should send her a fruit basket.  Yeah, and by by fruit I mean fermented grapes.

Kids Are Just An Accessory

Rachel:  Oh great, we start the evening out with Kim.  Wait, so now Kim is so happy to be living back in the townhouse?  Oh right, she has to make whatever situation she’s in the best ever.  But her kids are happy so I suppose that’s a positive.  Kim’s younger daughter, Arianna, asks her if she was an unplanned pregnancy.  No, she was planned.  Was Brielle?  Brielle says no one wants a baby at 19, so of course she was an accident.  Kim agrees but lets her know that she didn’t cramp her style.  Oh well, thank God for that.  Brielle just would like her mother to use birth control after this kid is born.  We all would Brielle.  We all would.

Melissa:  Really, you had to him me with this right off?  Still more bitching about the eviction?  Did she just say no babies for a while… After this one?  Yeah, I don’t believe it for a moment.

Paws Off

Rachel:  Time for a little double date with Phaedra & Apollo and Kenya & Walter.      Phaedra thinks she’s met Walter before and Kenya figures that it must be because they’re both such upwardly mobile people in Atlanta.  Man, she can’t help making every conversation about how fabulously successful she and the people around her are.  Yes, we all know.  You’re successful.  And speaking of letting people know what’s what, she lets Apollo know that she approves of his “supermodel” look.  He’s more interested in talking about her production skills for Phaedra’s workout video.  Kenya would rather produce a video for him and his “bulging muscles”.  Girl, you might want to take that whole flirting thing you got going on down a few notches before Phaedra & her donkey booty come across that table.  How is it that some women don’t know that flirting with a married man is not cool, especially when his wife is sitting right there?  Not that Kenya cares about anything other than Kenya.

Conversation does turn back to business as Apollo tells Kenya that he has created a workout for Phaedra that can be done in about 35 minutes.  And all while he talks, Kenya is “vetting him out” to see what kind of talent he would be.  She thinks he’s vetting her too.  Yes, he is but it’s just for work, honey.  He wants to make some money and not have to work at the funeral home as corpse transport.

Is Kenya really about to go kart in a dress?  Yep, a dress and no seat belt.  Well, until the worker decides he’s not interested in her leaving her brains on the track.  And she’s off screaming and hollering the whole way… well, until she runs out of gas in the middle of the track.  Muhahaha…

Melissa:  It’s a double date with Kendra and Walter!  Hey now Kenya, take it down a level with your hitting on Apollo.  Phaedra won’t stand for that for sure.  There’s going to be a prayer cloth delivered to your home soon, my dear.  I’m not gonna stand for it either, quite frankly.  Don’t go sniffing around my girl’s stuff now.  Geez Kenya, you need to tone it down and and maybe cross your legs because if they pan that shot any more I’ll be staring right at your chooch and I really don’t need that.

Couples Therapy

Rachel:  Peter opens a bottle of $200 wine that he’s been saving for a special occasion.  Too bad no one told the wine to wait because it’s corked and now being spilled down the drain.  Where did you keep that bottle of wine?  On top of the fridge?  It kills me when I see people keep wine in places where it’s all heat all the time.  Why even bother?  Just drink some Boone’s farm if you’re going to be that mean to your wine.

Anywho, Gregg & NeNe show up for their double date time with Cynthia & Peter.  They want the scoop on the status of Gregg & NeNe who say they are the “new normal”.  Way to drop the name of your new show on us.  Tip o’ the hat.  But they’re seemingly happy with their arrangement for the time being so all is well.  And all is well with Peter & Cynthia too it seems.  Wouldn’t have seen that coming a year ago so tip o’ the hat to you too.

Peter & Cynthia want to make this year’s girls’ trip a couple’s trip to Anguilla.  Cynthia is going to invite Phaedra & Apollo, Kandi & Todd and Kim & Kroy.  Good thing Kandi got herself a man so she could be invited.  And, I guess the animosity between she & Phaedra is over so she can now concentrate on hating on Kenya?  Fine by me.  NeNe, on the other hand, is cool with the roster minus Kim.  Can’t say as I blame her.  When Cynthia leaves the room for a moment, Peter tells NeNe & Gregg that he’s trying to make this trip a vow renewal to try and repair all the negativity that happened around their wedding.  Well, Peter, look at you!  Someone slipped you a happy pill when we weren’t looking.  I like it.

Melissa:  Oh, I’m almost relieved to see Cynthia after that bit of silliness.  HA, see that’s lesson number 1 of the Winey Bitches… You NEVER leave a wine sitting.  Clearly it’s double date night on RHOA.  Oh ho!!  It’s going to segue to a whole couple’s trip thing to Anguilla.  Hang on, Peter wants to renew the vows on the beach?  Didn’t they just get married like a year ago?

I Yam What I Yam

Rachel:  Now we get to go with Porsha & Kordell to the Ob-Gyn.  Why can’t they just tell us what the doctor said afterwards?  I don’t need to be in the room.  Wait, hold up.  Did she just say she wants to have four kids but she wants twins so she only has to give birth twice?  You know, so she doesn’t ruin her “bangin’ body”.  And she’s going to be able to have twins because both their families have twins in them.  Oh and she’s going to eat a lot of a particular type of yam to guarantee twins.  This one’s a genius.  And when she asks the doctor her advice on having twins, the doctor kindly lets her know that this isn’t a drive-through where you put in your order and get what you want.  She suggests they just get through one pregnancy before worrying about the rest.  Yeah, I’m thinking maybe this woman shouldn’t really be responsible for 4 kids.  Just a thought.

Melissa:  Oh Porsha honey with that camel toe!!  Ladies, please… You need to stop with the Camel toe.  It’s not cool.  OK, this woman is crazy with the yams.  Well, then again, I made my husband drink coffee… Um, never-mind, we’re not going to delve into my crazy tonight.  This is strictly ATL crazy.

No Thanks

Rachel:  Kandi & Cynthia meet for some lunch and typical girl talk about diets and booties getting big.  I feel ya, ladies.  Time is cruel mistress.  Have you not heard my rant about gravity and my face?  (Click here if you want a little laugh about my last facial experience.)  Anyway, we’re not here for that.  We’re here to talk about Anguilla.  Kandi isn’t super thrilled about the idea of a couple’s weekend since her boyfriend won’t be able to get away for a vacation.  And not being able to get away is code for him not liking the drama that the ladies bring to every situation.  Todd, we’re right there with you.  Cynthia pushes her to come.  She would also like Kandi to invite Kim. Seems Kim has given everyone a list of dates that she can travel.  Oh please make the trip not fall on one of those dates.  Please please please!  Can’t there be a football emergency.  I have no idea what that would actually be but let’s make it happen!

Kandi is cool with Kim coming but less so with NeNe.  Oh, this is a tangled web.  So NeNe doesn’t want Kim.  Kandi doesn’t want NeNe.  Todd doesn’t want any of them.  And Cynthia doesn’t want Kenya to be invited, which I’m sure is going to come up at some point.  So tell me again, why the group trip?  Oh right, contracts.  Cynthia doesn’t understand Kandi’s issue with NeNe since there isn’t one in return.  Now Kandi, you know I love you to pieces, but you need to meet the new & improved NeNe and give her a chance.  For me.  For all of us.  But mostly just for me.

Melissa:  What’s with Cynthia’s Mr Magoo glasses?  So Anguilla is where she wanted to get married if she was doing a destination wedding, which is coincidentally where Peter is planning her “surprise” vow renewal.  Hinky I say.  Oh no Kandi, don’t go talking about NeNe with Cynthia.  You know that’s going to be all twisted about and turned against you.

Who Needs Those Extra Hundred Days

Rachel:  NeNe & Cynthia are invited to Hosea’s home for the Feed The Hungry charity to meet with Porsha and discuss working together.  And I’m sure this is also to introduce them to each other so that she can get an invite to Aguilla.  Just a hunch.   Porsha tells them that she feels like they can use their sisterhood to raise more money to feed the hungry.  You know because they’re not just hungry on Thanksgiving.  They’re also hungry the other 265 days in the year.  That’s right, 265.  Oh this Porsha is quite the Einstein, isn’t she?  I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually slept through about 100 days a year.  But this is for charity so the ladies stifle their laughter and agree to do a PSA for her.

After talk of charity is done, it’s time for champagne and gossip.  Let’s see what shall we talk about?  Ah yes, Kenya Moore.  I think we’re about to see how the dislike of a person can quickly create friendships.  You don’t like her?  Me either!  Let’s hate on her together over some booze & food!  And with that, Porsha’s in the fold.

Melissa:  HA, did that poor little girl just say a year was 265 days?  No, really I’m laughing right along with NeNe!  I don’t even know what else was said.

My Balls

Rachel:  Phaedra & Kandi go shopping in a cute little store, which is the appropriate place to discuss kegel balls.  Yes, the balls that you put in your lady parts and hold there in order to make your muscles stronger.  This is a new product for Bedroom Kandi and she would like Phaedra to try them out for her.  Seems Kandi is trying them out right now.  You know, there are some things I just don’t need to picture in my mind.  This is one of them.  I’m just glad they’re not trying to go through airport security right now.

And let’s discuss more about this Anguilla trip.  The trip that Kim & Kroy have agreed to attend.  Ack.  Really?  Why?  Now, I don’t want to go.  Phaedra is happy Kim’s coming but thinks she might need to smooth things out a bit with Cynthia before they go.  You know, since she was busted via butt dial talking smack and dropping f-bombs.  Yeah, nothing is worse than butt dialing while you’re in the middle of a conversation that no one else needs to hear.  I got to witness an entire fight between an ex-coworker and her boyfriend thanks to a butt dial.  Whoops!  I probably should have deleted it the second it started, but I listened to the whole thing.  I’ll admit it.  Hey, it’s not my fault it was on my phone!  Anywho, Kandi says they should invite Kenya.  Uh, no.  Phaedra says that Cynthia isn’t interested in new friends by the name of Kenya.  Kandi wants to invite her anyway.  Did you not hear what I just said?  Uh, no.  What’s wrong with you, Kandi?  Why are you trying to create drama?  Besides, it’s not your trip.  Plan your own trip and take Kenya & Kim with you.  Then let us know how much fun you had, ok?

P.S. – Phaedra, you may want to go up a size in your pants.  Just because, you know, circulation to your legs is important.

Melissa:  HA, how funny must it be to have a friend say I need you to try some kegel balls for me.  Seriously, cracks me up.  I’m just imagining that again and again.

 

Shitty Situation

Rachel:  Joy, more Kim bitching about her living in her townhouse again.  Wasn’t she happy there 15 minutes ago?  How about you put some of the shit you don’t need in storage?   Do you really need all of it in your townhouse?  And why is your dog shitting in the house all the time?  And why are you ok with it?  I need to be done with her.

Melissa:  Maybe if you didn’t get your ass kicked out of our house, you wouldn’t have to live in your townhouse screaming at your dogs to eat their own poo so you don’t have to clean it… rather have Sweetie clean it for you.

Peace Out

Rachel:  Time for the vacation planning session with the ladies.  But first, Phaedra & Cynthia need to have a moment.  You know, I was about to comment on that thing Cynthia has on her head until Phaedra showed up with her hat.  Did you just come from a funeral?  Oh wait, you actually probably did just come from a funeral. Carry on.  Phaedra also comes bearing flowers & apologies.  She says she did say something she shouldn’t have said.  Granted she says it was because she was caught up in planning her son’s birthday and the only people that had to be there were a whale shark & Thomas The Train.  But she is sorry.  Well, good on you, Phaedra, for owning your shit.  I wish more people were like that.  I mean we all say dumb shit.  Sometime we get away with it.  Sometimes we don’t.  And when we don’t, we need to own it.  Not try and lie about it and make the situation bigger than it needs to be.  But a lot of people don’t live in that world, sadly.  And with that, all is well and the “evidence” is deleted from Cynthia’s phone.

Kandi shows up and announces that she invited Kenya to lunch.  She wants Kenya on the trip so she is inviting Kenya on the trip.  Ooh Kandi, you are pissing me off right now.  When did you get so high & mighty?  It’s not your trip.  No one cares what you want.  But here Kenya is in all her shiny foreheaded glory.

Finally, Kim shows up and it’s time to talk about the trip.  The trip that Kenya hasn’t yet been invited on.  And when she asks if that invitation is coming, she gets silence from Cynthia.  So, she chooses to invite herself.  Man, these women blow my mind.  Why would you want to go on a trip where you weren’t welcome by the hosts?  Why?  Oh right, because you don’t care about anyone but you.  Good job, Kandi.  When it all goes to shit, we’ll all be looking your way.  I hope you’re ready for some serious stink eye.

And with that everyone’s all on board… Well, except for Kim.  She needs to talk to her doctor about whether or not she can travel.  She’s at 28 weeks and her cervix is already shortened.  I have no idea what that means, but the girls translate that to mean she is going to bail.  Look, we all know I don’t like to take up for Kim ever, but I would imagine she probably does want to get the doc’s sign-off before hopping a plane to a tropical island.  But I also feel the ladies when they say they rushed this trip to make it happen around her schedule.  And this is why I told you not to bother.  Why don’t they ever listen to me?  Oh right, because shouting at the TV only works when watching football.  I always forget.

Wait, Kim just said she was 8 months pregnant.  Again, no math whiz over her but pretty sure 28 weeks is 7 months.  How did she just gestate for another month?  How long have they been sitting there?  And now, because of that, she definitely cannot go on the trip.  Maybe they have been sitting there for an entire month because she was just saying she would go if the doctor gave her the ok.  Now she’s not going for sure.  My head hurts.  And that thing I said about taking up for her, cancel it.  I take it back.  And just to confuse matters more, Kim says that she & Kroy are going to Lake Coney next week for a few days.  Huh?  So, you can’t travel even though you can travel so you’re not going to travel after you travel.  Got it.

Kandi is the first one to call out the BS pouring from Kim’s lips.  She says they all moved things around to accomodate her schedule.  Trials, ASCAP Awards, meetings – all moved for Kim.  But it’s not her fault because the trip is not in America.  And that’s really the issue… now.  Phaedra feels like this is more about Kim not being committed to their friendship.  She doesn’t have time for them.  Kim’s response?  I really don’t.  Well, then just bail out and don’t waste people’s time.  NeNe says she just makes excuses all the time.  Kim says it’s not true and if everyone is late, how is that her fault?  Well, that’s a good point.  Too bad she follows it up with “and I never confirmed those dates.”  Girl, if everyone at that table knows the dates, it’s because you confirmed them.  NeNe just would like Kim to not lie on her anymore.

And with that, Kim’s out and she’s not interested in being on camera anymore.  Apparently, Kroy has been waiting outside in the car and is ready to fight the cameraman if he doesn’t get out of Kim’s face.  Wait, the cameraman that is paid to be there?  The one that is there because Kim signed a contract saying that Bravo gets to tape her life?  Oh, ok.  Gotcha.

Melissa:  Really Cynthia you’re keeping the message on your phone?  How passive aggressive of you.  Oh look at Phaedra with flowers and an apology.  Nice move.  Well, with Kandi inviting Kenya, Cynthia’s evil eyes are now focused on Kandi anyhow.  Oh, the ladies are sipping limoncello?  YUM!!  Of course upon hearing there’s a chance Kim is backing out, everyone starts questioning why she’s not making the group trip yet planning to go away with her husband.  Really ladies, do you actually care if Kim isn’t there?  You’d be forced to see the word du jour on her sweatpants’ ass as she waddled around complaining the entire time.

Rachel:  Uh, I have a voicemail that’s 2 years old on my phone because you never know when you’ll need evidence.  People are shady.  You have to keep all your weapons in your arsenal.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Personally, I’m grateful Kim’s not going on the trip.  I’m also hoping that she’s really done when she says she’s done.  Like all the way done.

Melissa:  Oh you cannot tease me with that camera pushing and Kroy spouting off.  That’s not cool!!  You know that’s my hook, you bastards!  Now I’m not going to be able to stay away next week!!  Not that I was staying away, anyhow.  But you know, I like to pretend.

One Sentence Summary:  Kenya continues her campaign to prove she is no Miss Congeniality.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   Yep, still can’t stand Kenya.  Still can’t find one reason to keep her on this show.  She isn’t even a good villain. I’m not waiting to see what insane crap she pulls this week.  I just know it’s going to be rude and annoying.  Not crazy.  Not interesting.  Not funny.  Nope just plain irritating.  I mean I know Nene found her happy place so we’re probably not going to have any “I’m very rich, bitch” moments this year.  And Sheree is gone leaving us without any “Check me, boo” potential.  But Kenya?  Really?  I’d rather listen to Kim bitch about her house than listen to this maniac talk about her Miss USA crown… wait, maybe not.  Anyway, we get to finally meet Porsha this week, so let’s get this party started and see what Mrs. Kordell Stewart brings to the party.

With These Feet, I Thee Beg

Wow, Gregg really meant it when he said he’d do anything to win Nene back.  The two of them are having side-by-side pedicures and sipping champagne.  Now, that’s a man secure in his manhood.  Personally, I’d like to see more men getting pedis.  I mean have you seen some of the platypus feet walking around this earth?  Of course I also think men should shave their armpits, but that’s for another day. And I wonder why I’m single.  Anywho, Nene is off to NYC and needs Gregg to watch Brent.  Gregg will but he needs a key.  Actually he needs two; one to her house and one to her heart.  Oh no.  Did he just go there?  He did.  But I guess it’s cute.  He’s trying.  He gets props for that.  He tells Nene that he’s also considering opening an office in LA so he’ll need a key for her place there too.  She says he can have a key to the hotel down the street.  Aw, play nice, Nene.  But he does have some serious work to do.  He says he wants to prove he’s a changed man.  She says just change and he’ll get a key.

But Gregg isn’t playing, y’all.  No he’s bringing his A game to the salon today.  He recites some poetry.  Well, poetry is probably overstating it.  He actually says two sentences that rhyme.  Then he interrupts his own pedi to lotion up his formerly betrothed’s feet.  I do like a man that’s not afraid of a foot massage.  You come at me with, “Oh, I don’t like feet.” we’ll have problems.  And as this is going down, Miss Lawrence comes strutting around the corner.  Oh, how happy I am to see him.  I love me some Lawrence.  He tells Gregg to just chill, be sincere & genuine and wait for the universe.  Oh now Nene is the universe?  OK, I’m ok with that.  I think Gregg should take that advice… and the advice of Nene to stop writing poetry.  Yeah, Walt Whitman you are not.

Video Chick

Apollo has just been officially certified as a trainer & nutritionist.  Phaedra would like to know what role he plans to play in her Donkey Booty video.  Need I tell you the response?  No, I didn’t think so.  She would like the video to show women how to get a donkey booty without breaking a sweat.  Black ladies don’t like to sweat and get their hair wet.  So, it will be a beginner’s video.  Um, it will be a waste of time is what it will be.  How do you expect anyone to end up with a firm ass if they don’t actually work at it?  Look, if you can figure it out, give me a call.  I’ll be the first to sign up.  And I will be looking forward to the follow-up DVD – Firm Thighs Without Getting Out Of Bed.

Poor Kim

Oh, here we go again.  Kim is still about to be homeless and there is not one single house in the whole of Atlanta that she likes enough to buy.  Then go to the townhouse and shut-up about it already.  You’ve got 3 kids that aren’t interested in being squatters while you find the perfect house to move into.  And I can promise you that KJ could care less about a basketball court.  I asked him.

Seems their landlord is over them as well.  Their lease is up and she would like them out.  Yeah, that’s how it works, Kim.  So back to the townhouse it is to live like peasants in 5,000 square feet.  Oh, how ever will you survive?  How could anyone live in such squalor? I want to throttle her.  But before she leaves her manse, she’s going to rip out every flower she had planted there.  I love how indignant she is about all of this.  As if she’s the only person that’s ever had to deal with a lease coming to an end & a landlord not interested in releasing the property.  It’s not like the date snuck up on you.  On top of it, you voluntarily put money into it.  No one told you to do it.  You could have had it appraised first, but you didn’t.  Anyone with half a brain knows that any money you put into a rental is money you aren’t getting back.  But Kim would have to actually have half a brain…

And with that, Kroy tells us he’s going skinny dipping which leads to another conversation about how much they love to have sex with each other and how they’re going to end up with 100 kids.  First of all, ew.  Second of all, EW.  And third of all, BIRTH CONTROL!  There are all kinds of newfangled ways to prevent conception out there.  Get to know some.  Please spare the world more spawn from the two of you.  Please.  I beg.

Star Power

Finally, we get to meet Porsha who is meeting Kenya for lunch to discuss her upcoming charity event.  She would like Kenya to attend the event benefitting the Hosea Williams  Foundation, which was started by and named after her grandfather.  Kenya, being the celebrity that she is, is used to being invited to make appearances at events.  Since this is the best-known Atlanta charity, she agreed (deigned?) to meet with Porsha.  How generous of Kenya since she has her own charity – The Kenya Moore Foundation, of course.

After Kenya accepts the invitation to attend, Porsha turns the conversation to relationships.  This perturbs Kenya.  Then again, the wind blowing the wrong way perturbs Kenya.  She doesn’t understand why this woman is asking her personal questions.  Uh, because you’re sitting across the table from her having lunch.  I mean maybe you’re not interested in sharing your plans for children, but you can’t be mad at someone for trying to make conversation.  I’m going to take a leap here and say that Porsha didn’t have any intention of asking something that would insult her.  I don’t think her waters run that deep… just taking an education guess here.  But Miss Thang is so deeply insecure that she sees everything as an attack.  Clearly she thinks that Porsha was judging her for not having been married or having children.  Oh Kenya, please get yourself some therapy.  If not for you, then for me… and the rest of the viewing audience.

Kenya has had enough as Porsha goes on about babies and how you can predict the sex of your kids by using Chinese calendars, and turns the conversation away from fertility doctors (you know since she’s “of a certain age”) back to the charity event which she finds out will be women-only.   Kenya says that she has met some high society girls – Nene Leakes & Phaedra Parks – and could bring them to the event.  Porsha says they are already volunteers and makes an insinuation that they only show for photo ops.  Hmm… watch your step, sweetheart.  You don’t want to piss all the ladies off before you get through an episode.  Just focus on pissing off one at a time.  You’re already on pace to really tick off Kenya so let’s go with that.  There you go, asking her to wear her tiara and “satchel” to the event should ratchet up her annoyance with you a few levels.  And really?  Satchel?  It’s a sash, honey.  Wow, not the brightest bulb on the scoreboard, are you?

The Charmed Life

Oh now we get the whole Porsha story.  She’s the granddaughter of Hosea Williams who was Martin Luther King’s right-hand man.  Wow, that’s quite the pedigree.  He started his charity to feed and clothes the poor.  It’s really important right now because of the … oh what’s the word… recession.  Work it out, girl.  This charity is very important to her and the purpose of her life… Well that and shopping with her other friends that don’t work.  Mmhmm… keep talking.  You’re painting a very clear picture for us here at home.

She is also married to ex-NFL star Kordell Stewart.  Apparently she didn’t know who he was when they started dating.  Oh look, a picture of them lounging on a daybed.  I find it so interesting that rich people love to take professional pictures of themselves in various stages of canoodling and then share with the world.  It’s the epitome of vanity.  Why do you think I want to see that?  I don’t.  Porsha tells us that she didn’t have to clean, sweep or vacuum once during their first year of marriage so she’s very blessed.  OK, little miss vapid has shown up.  Why was I waiting to meet her again?  Oh yeah, she’s married to an ex-Steeler.

The Mean Streets of NYC

Nene is in NYC for press week to help promote her show, The New Normal, for NBC.  Cynthia is town as well for a modeling gig.  They meet at Nene’s hotel for some champagne and puffery.  Nene tells us that she is not going to let disingenuous people bring her down.  And by people, she means Kim.  She’s going to climb the success ladder with dignity.  Do it, girl.  Kim certainly isn’t.

As Nene gets her make-up and hair done – which was already done by the way – Cynthia tells her that she wants to take her around the city and show her how she did it when she was broke.  You know, the real NYC.  Why do I think Cynthia’s “real” NYC still isn’t all that real?  Nene’s never been on the subway.  This is crazy talk to Cynthia and she’s on a mission to make that happen.  She also wants Nene to eat a hot dog from a street vendor.  Nene’s done the hot dog eating & isn’t planning to do it again.  I have to agree with her there.  That is some nasty nasty food.  Can you even call it food?  So subway, yes.  Danger dog, no.

Bo Hog Tied

Kandi has found a renter for her old house so she has to move all of her belongings out. It’s a big move for her seeing as how she bought it when she was 19-years-old.  Damn, I was trying to figure out how to scrape together enough money to go out on Saturday night and eat that week when I was 19.  She feels like it should be more emotional for her, but she think it’s not because she knows it’s time to move on.  How mature of you, Kandi.  Kim, take note.  Her mom & her uncle Robert have come over to help her move.  Uncle Robert used to be a professional mover and regales us with tales of moving refrigerators with hump straps back in the day.  That’s awesome.  I love Uncle Robert.  Can he be on the show more?

When she finds one of her “Bedroom Kandi” boxes sitting out, she wants to know how it ended up in the middle of her bedroom.  Uncle Robert says it wasn’t him.  He has his own “bedroom candy” in the form of Bo Hog Root.  Seems it’s nature’s viagra and he is doing just fine with it.  Go Uncle Robert!

Two Scoops

Kenya & Phaedra meet up for a little girl time and some homemade gelato.  Phaedra will have two scoops to go with her two scoops of donkey booty.  Kenya, on the other hand, needs a drink and doesn’t waste any time letting everyone know that it’s her world and we’re all just living in it as she starts screaming “Barkeep!”  She laughs it off, but I seriously want to punch her in her face.  Hard.  She is so obnoxious.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves; being rude to servers and salespeople.  Phaedra thinks she’s eccentric.  I think she’s an asshole.  This might be my first fight with Phaedra.  I don’t approve of this friendship.  But then again, I know I won’t have to wait long for it to self-destruct thanks to Kenya’s upcoming flirtation with Apollo.  Thank you, previews!

Phaedra tells Kenya about her idea for a fitness video.  Kenya says she has a full-service production company so they should partner up.  Phaedra like the idea because she likes to give other women the opportunity to shine.  And then they can do a post-pregnancy video after Phaedra has another baby.  Uh, why don’t we get through project #1 first.  Kenya says she’s working on getting engaged.  She doesn’t like to push but she’s making her feelings known.  Then she tells us about her mother trying to put her up for adoption and how she has been tortured by her mother’s mental illness her whole life.  She apparently has never spoken to Kenya and denies ever even having a kid.  Wow, that’s deep.  And I do have a teeny tiny place in my heart that feels sad for her.  But she has gone through counseling to learn how to stop treating people badly.  So you went to this counseling between now & the last time we saw you?  I’m pretty sure we’ve seen you do nothing but treat people badly since you stepped in front of the camera.  I’d demand my money back if I were you.

F Train

It’s a rainy day in NYC as Cynthia & Nene get ready to take the subway.  Nene has her finest studded stilettos on to commemorate her first trip beneath the mean streets of the city.  Nene loves people watching but gets a little weirded out when she realizes that they’re all watching her. Welcome to fame.  Sort of takes the anonymity out of the whole “living among the people” principle Cynthia so badly wants to share.  When they actually get on the train, a girl asks if she was on Glee.  She & her friends are aspiring actors and fans of Nene’s.  Nene gives them some positivity and encouragement.  She tells us that she enjoyed the train, but won’t be making a habit out of it.  I know I sound like a broken record, but it is so nice to see Nene happy and fun again.

Now it’s time for a street dog.  Aw no, don’t do it, Nene.  She doesn’t.  She lets Cynthia enjoy the experience all on her own.  Wise choice, Nene.  That’s an adventure your arteries are glad you skipped.

That’s Miss USA. Don’t Get It Twisted.

Time for the big charity event.  Oh wait, there are only 30 people attending so I guess it’s really a mini charity event.  But hey, they’re the most powerful 30 women in Atlanta so it’s all good.  The most powerful minus Kandi, Nene, Cynthia, Phaedra and Kim.  I guess they don’t rank.  Whoops.

Kenya arrives with her friend Kanya.  Yep, you read that right.  Wait, did Kenya say being part of the Miss USA organization has made her a part of history?  Holy overstatement, Batman!  She says the only reason she’s attending tonight is to lend her name so that she can watch the donations roll in.  She is shocked to see such a small crowd when there were supposed to be tons of important people there.  But the only important person to Kenya is Kenya.  Honey, you are making me crazy.  Seriously, please go to the bathroom and let some of the air out of your head.

Kenya’s incessant attention-whoring at the table is interrupted as Kordell enters the room.  He brings Porsha a cake in the shape of a purse and a gift from Chanel.  Um, why are you bringing her a gift at a charity event?  I mean you’re there to raise money for people who can’t afford groceries and you bring in a Chanel purse?  Anyone else think that might just be a tad bit tacky?  Or incredibly tacky?  He says this is an opportunity for his wife to show how much of a humanitarian she is.  I thought it was an opportunity to raise money for a charity.  Clearly I know nothing.  He hands her a check and she starts screaming about how they raised some money.  She hugs him and thanks him.  Wait, did he write a personal check or was that what the ladies raised from ticket sales?  I’m so confused.  This whole thing is making my head spin.

Time for Porsha to take the mic.  She welcomes all the powerful ladies, including former Miss America Kenya Moore.  Oh boy, that’s going to go over like a ton of bricks.  When Porsha tries to figure out what year she was crowned, Kenya takes the opportunity to correct her and not mention the year.  Yeah, it’s Miss USA and the year is none of anyone’s business.  You know, because we can’t just look it up online or anything. Porsha apologizes for the blunder and tries to bring the awareness back to the charity, but the damage is done.  Kenya is mad.  She just thinks it’s so disrespectful.  You know it’s like if you said Michelle Obama was the First Lady of Zimbabwe.  Actually, it’s not like that at all. Being the First Lady is hardly on the same level of Miss USA.  Again, take it down a notch.  Yeah, Porsha  should have known better, but she’s not exactly setting the world on fire with her genius.  I mean is it really worth making a scene over?  It is?  Oh, sorry.

Now Kenya says that she is so cold she can barely stand being in there so she’s going to have to step outside.  Did anyone at the table buy that?  When she gets to the parking lot, she calls Lawrence and says that she’s ready to go because this “heifer” called her Miss America.  Yeah, that teeny tiny part of my heart that felt compassion for Kenya is getting smaller by the moment.  Porsha comes out to make sure everything is OK and gets the stank face attitude from Kenya.  Lawrence arrives and says that Porsha should have known the difference.  Fan the flames, Lawrence.  Fan the flames.  This just sets Kenya all off on a rant about how she will curse your ass out for not knowing her title.  Oh I would love to put this bitch in a room with The Countess & The Princess and see whose title wins.

Porsha comes back out to let Kenya know that she is missing dinner.  She is greeted by Kenya telling Lawrence, for Porsha’s benefit clearly, that she was invited by “this lady she just met the other day” who couldn’t even remember her title.  Porsha says she’s being disrespectful. Oh no no no, it’s Kenya that’s being disrespectED.  She should have known her title.  Yeah, she should have. But she didn’t.  She apologized.  Let it go.  What’s disrespectful, Kenya, is having a tantrum over something that petty and walking out on a charity event being hosted in the founder’s home. What a classy woman would have done is corrected her, finished her meal with a smile on her face and left without another word.  If you don’t want to attend another event, fine.  Your call.  But really, the response is so out of proportion with the incident.  Porsha agrees that it’s enough and asks her to leave.  This sends Kenya off the rails insulting the charity, the smell of the air around her and Porsha’s grandfather’s home.  And Porsha responds in kind.  Ah, ladies.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, I was hoping for a better first impression of Porsha than that, but I still like her better than Kenya.  I mean stupid is better than mean any day of the week.

One Sentence Summary:  Nene continues to rise above the drama, at least for one more week.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   Well, I don’t know about you out there but that Kenya wore me out in one episode.  Is this woman for real?  Don’t answer.  I know.  My real question is why they didn’t just give Marlo the gig if they were looking to add a shallow uppity cast member?  I mean she had just enough shades of crazy for it to be entertaining.  I guess the producers were afraid that those 7 arrests would come back to haunt them when she was filmed during arrest #8.  But hey, I’m just gonna go with the flow and let Kenya have her moment in the spotlight… Even though she’s apparently been in the spotlight for years.  Sorry lady, never heard of ya.  Then again, I don’t watch too many pageants.  I wonder if Porsha is going to show up tonight.  What was with her not being introduced last week?  Was she a last minute casting decision? I don’t know, but being as huge a Steelers fan as I am, it will be interesting to see what Kordell Stewart has been up to since his days as “Slash”…

Nene’s New Normal

Well, my DVR is too busy doing other things to tape the first 2 minutes of tonight’s show, so I’m coming in on a lot of shirtless men dancing on a fire engine.  Employing my super duper detective skills, I’m going to assume it’s Gay Pride in West Hollywood… not that there aren’t shirtless men in West Hollywood on any given day.  Oh and now they’re screaming for Nene.  Yep, it’s the LA Pride parade & Ms. Leakes is riding through the streets among the real queens.  I actually was there this year, but somehow missed Nene.  I did, however, catch Johnny Weir in some spectacularly short shorts.  I gotta find that picture… Anywho, I love Nene working her fierceness with the LGBT community.  And she loves them for giving the world nail polish, weaves and teaching women how to walk.  Well, now we know where that fierce switch came from.  Sashay, shantay!  The outpouring of love from the crowd moves Nene to tears, as she realizes how far she’s come and what she’s achieved.  I kinda can’t help but be totally into this moment for her.  Gregg arrives at the end of the parade to congratulate Nene and celebrate with her.  It’s a warm welcome for Gregg from Nene, mostly because she’s just happy to see a straight guy.

Revisionist History

Phaedra & Kandi meet for lunch.  I’m just about to sit back and enjoy my two favorite girls when Kandi mentions that she invited Kenya.  Bye bye warm & fuzzies.  Here comes trouble in a red dress.  Phaedra is wowed by Kenya’s donkey booty.  Girl, you’re gonna be less wowed when she opens her mouth.  But right now, Phaedra is all up in Miss Kenya’s pageantry.  Kandi asks about her recent judging duties with Cynthia.  Oh boy… Kenya tells the girls that JET asked her to be there, but she wasn’t trying to see women in bathing suits that showed off their crack.  So when one of Cynthia’s “minions” tried to quiet her down, she had him thrown out by her security.  Really?  That’s all you did?  Make one comment?   You do know that it was all caught on tape, right?  I mean you’re a movie producer so you should know how it works.  Meanwhile, Phaedra is as amused as the rest of us that this crazy lady thinks she needs security in the first place.  Kenya felt like she was in the Wizard of Oz with Cynthia because she clearly needs a brain.  Ha!  OK, still don’t like Kenya, but that’s an awesome line.  Duly noted and thrown into my file for future use.

Kenya tells the girls that she is ready to be engaged and to have kids.  Phaedra & Kandi are also feeling the stirrings of more babies and thinking there might be a group pregnancy pact forming at this table, though Kandi maintains that she’s getting a ring first.   Uh Phaedra, I’d maybe hold on a beat before you start aligning your menses with Miss Thang across the table.  If the previews are correct, she might be looking to share more than a due date.  She might be looking to share the baby daddy too.  And that baby daddy is named Apollo.  Let me tell you now, Kenya, you best not mess with my girl Phaedra’s family.  I won’t say I’m gonna come after you because we all know I’m far too lazy for that.  But I will definitely think about it!

But, it looks like Kenya managed to get through the meal without offending anyone… this time.

What’s a Budget

That little KJ looks just like Kroy.  Pretty cute.  But the cute moment doesn’t last long because… Here comes Sweetie.  She & Kim go to her office to figure out what to do about the impending eviction.  We learn, yet again, that the house appraised for $1MM+ less than the asking price.  Kim doesn’t like any of the options her real estate agent sent her.  She doesn’t want to live on a houseboat because she doesn’t want the baby over water.  Wait, how was a houseboat the second item on the list of options?  Kim’s thinking perhaps the penthouse at the W for a month…  Sweetie recommends they go back to her townhouse for the time being.  That seems a more reasonable choice than a houseboat or a hotel penthouse for a month.  Sweetie, you just earned your paycheck for the day.  Kim says it’s too cramped.  More cramped than a hotel?  Oh sorry, the real concern is that KJ doesn’t have a pool or a basketball court at the townhouse.  He’s a minute old.  He won’t even remember that horrible month he had to spend without his pool floaties when he’s older and in therapy talking about how his parents screwed up his life.  How does one actually become this shallow and out of touch with reality?  Well, we won’t find out tonight.  She has to nap now because she doesn’t feel like dealing.  She gives me a headache.

Crocodile Tears

Kenya’s Aunt Lori comes to visit and brings her flowers, which Kenya immediately insults as cheap & from WalMart.  Bitch, be happy someone brought you flowers at all.  Kenya shows her aunt around her new home and brings her to her office where she’s planning to hang all her movie posters & cover photos.  Aunt Lori calls her narcissistic faster than I can type the word and becomes my new favorite person.  Call it like it is, Aunt Lori.  She is also bothered by the fact that Kenya has been with Walter for two years and she has not introduced him to her.  She thinks that means something’s wrong with him.  I guess Aunt Lori prefers Kenya’s ex “Eric”.  And Kenya prefers that she doesn’t scare Walter away.  Guess Aunt Lori is rather vocal about her feelings about Kenya’s boyfriends.  So, she wants to wait until Walter puts a ring on it before Aunt Lori can get her claws in.  Kenya starts crying because she really respects her Aunt’s opinion and it’s hard for her when she has feelings for a man that she doesn’t like.  Aunt Lori softens and promises that if Walter is nice to Kenya, then she will love Walter too.  Problem solved.  Man, that Kenya is a good actress after all.

Training Day

Time for a group training session with Cynthia, Phaedra & Nene.  Nene has no time for negativity so she & Phaedra are now all good.  She’s just happy to be there with the ladies.  I am liking this new Nene!  I hope she sticks around.

After a few trips around the weight machines, Cynthia tells Phaedra that she would like to host a party to congratulate Nene and all her achievements.  Nene prefers it not be about her.  She’d rather it be about successful women in general.  Wait, did Nene really just back out of being the center of attention?  And say it’s ok for Kim to be invited?  It really is a brave new world!  You don’t often see people come back after they’ve suffered a fame aneurysm.  I think Nene is the first ever to survive!  Congrats, Nene.  You have achieved real fame and become a nicer person for it.  It’s a rare accomplishment and I salute you.  Now, don’t go and prove me wrong with some “I’m rich, bitch” tirade.

Nene asks Phaedra about her lunch with Kenya.  Seems someone at her salon saw them together.  That is quite the grapevine those Georgia peaches have.  Phaedra says she thought she was really funny.  Cynthia tells a less hilarious version of the Kenya story.  Then she asks what Kenya had to say about her.  Phaedra leaves it as Kenya had some mixed feelings about what happened.  Cynthia is going to keep Kenya in the “no” column for disrespecting her & her business but will allow her to attend the successful women party.  It’s time for the ladies to act like… ladies.  Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.

Wings & Bling

Kroy takes Kim to a birthday dinner of all her favorite things on the deck of a boat.  That’s a pretty cute idea.  As she downs her meal of wings, egg rolls and chili, Kroy brings up the living situation.  He says whatever they find that works, is what they’re doing.  She knows she has to sacrifice “some stuff” but isn’t going to just settle.  He thinks going back to the townhouse is the best idea for now.  She’s stressed and upset by that idea… and just wants to see her present already.  How does he deal with her?  The present she just demanded from Kroy is the bracelet she wore down the aisle that was her “something borrowed”. That’s actually really sweet and she admits that she’s lucky to have him.  Yeah you are.  And we’re about to exit on that note when Kim says it’s time to leave so she can end her birthday with a “bang”.  Keeping it classy as always… Oh sorry, klassy.

Poor Walter

We finally get to meet Kenya’s boyfriend, Walter.  She tells him over lunch that she was hiking and saw a black snake along the path, which her aunt says symbolizes “change”.  I think it symbolizes the need to stay indoors.  But hey, we all glean what we want from the “signs” we’re given.  This also leads her into a conversation about being 40+, unwed and childless.  And now that she’s in Atlanta, closer to Walter, it’s time to take the relationship to the next level.  Yes, a change is gonna come.  She also tells him that she recently went to the doctor to see what her fertility status is looking like.  Turns out the doctor said her eggs are as old as she is.  And you paid someone for that information?  So, Walter dear, the pressure is on.  And judging from the triple shot he just did, it seems like he’s feeling it.

Kenya asks Walter if he has anything he wants to share with her.  In the spirit of full disclosure, he admits that he asked Kandi out once upon a time.  He also admits that she shot him down.  Kenya’s not thrilled about that because now Kandi has something on her.  Oh please, lady.  Check your ego.  She get even more upset because Kandi has a big booty and Walter likes big booties.  So, she’s gonna get her food to go because she’s lost her appetite.  Walter doesn’t get the drama and tells her to “pump the brakes”. I’m thinking she might want to listen to that advice.  I mean is she really having a tantrum over this?  She’s just mad that someone in her circle might not be jealous of something she has.  So ridiculous and childish.  AKA – So Kenya.

Down Fido… Six Feet or So

Phaedra stops by to visit Kandi & her boyfriend Todd in their new home.  She did not realize there would be a dog attending this visit as well.  Seems Phaedra only likes dogs that have already passed on.  You know, so she can plan their funerals.  Live dogs… not so much.  They’re just one sideways glance from making her a chew toy.  Phaedra did, however, get the memo on the neighborhood being fabulous.  She should pass it along to Sweetie & Kim.

Phaedra mentions that she worked out with Nene & Cynthia.  Kandi needs to hear about this since she was pretty sure Nene didn’t have any time for the likes of Phaedra.  When she goes on to let Kandi know that she was actually sent to invite Kim & her to a party for powerful women, Kandi about falls over.  Phaedra thinks the attitude improvement is real.  Kandi is less convinced but agrees to go to the party.  I mean she is a woman in power…

Thank You For Coming… 

Time for the Successful Women party where they are serving a “success martini”. That’s the best name you could come up with?  At least do the abbreviation thing… You know, successtini or… no, that works well enough.  Phaedra is impressed with some of the ladies there.  The highbrow ladies.  Not the pedestrian ladies.  Guess a few “less than successful” woman snuck in when no one was looking.  Wonder if they’re allowed to sip from the successtini fountain?

Kim, shocked at the invitation, showed up because she’s not an asshole.  That one’s too easy.  Let’s just move along to Kenya’s arrival.  She announces to us that people are hearing she’s in town and the invitations are just pouring in.  Are you sure?  I’m thinking that you are actually at that party because Phaedra asked that you be invited and Cynthia didn’t feel like arguing about it.  That does not put you on VIP status.

We’re two hours in and Kim is over the event that she didn’t want to come to in the first place.  Nene is having issues with her dress so she hasn’t made it down to the party yet, which Kim think is rude.  Sweetie says Nene is rude in general as they make their way out.  Why did you even bother to show up?  Sweet fancy Moses, Kim has done nothing but bitch and moan for two weeks now.  Seriously, I ask again, wasn’t she supposed to not be on that much this season?  Can we get to that now?  Ugh, she’s awful.

Kim almost makes it out the door undetected when she runs into Nene in the hall.  Nene asks that she stay 5 more minutes.  Kim says Nene is two hours late, making her 40 minutes late for Kroy, so she’s out.  Nene thinks she convinces Kim to stay 5 more minutes, but really Kim just used having to use the bathroom to keep walking out the door.  I mean Nene can’t really expect Kim to kowtow to her at this point, but I don’t know why you bother coming if you don’t like the hosts and you don’t have the time.  I guess we can just look at it as an olive branch that both sides reluctantly accept even though they don’t really want to.  It is better than listening to them scream at each other.

Back at the party, Cynthia gathers the ladies around the pool and thanks everyone for coming to the event.  She tells everyone how much she admires Nene while Kenya makes fun of her to Phaedra & Kandi.  Again, why come to a party hosted by someone you don’t like just to disrespect them?  Am I the only one that prefers to stay home and miss out on a free cocktail than suffer through being fake for a few hours?  I mean the wine tastes just as good at home… usually better since they rarely serve the good stuff.

Oh my… Looks like Kenya has watched Bridesmaids one too many times.  She can’t let Cynthia have all the attention so she grabs her own mic and makes a speech to the crowd.  She knows it’s Cynthia’s event, but she wants to make sure everyone is properly inspired by the notion of successful women.  I’m actually surprised that she doesn’t start singing “I believe the children are our future…”  After her “look at me” moment, she pulls Nene aside to ensure that her rocky start with Cynthia doesn’t affect their potential for friendship.  We don’t know what Nene thinks about that because Cynthia rolls up and decides to answer for her.  As the two of them bicker, Nene keeps quiet.  When the two bickersons come up for air, Nene says that she’s her own woman and will make her own decisions.  You’d think that might stop the drama, but no.  Cynthia asks Kenya when she won her crown.  Kenya thinks that’s like asking her age and the beauty queens are off again.

Nene’s had enough and addresses the crowd on her own.  She says women need to lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. Hint hint…  Well, that is now that she’s turned a new page.  Keep turning, girl.  Keep turning.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, looks like we’ll have to wait another week to meet Porsha.  And from the looks of it, she is as big of a fan of Kenya’s as I am.

One Sentence Summary:  The Atlanta Housewives are back and replacing Sheree with two new divas.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m so excited that the Real Housewives of Phaedra is back.  Oh, I know there are other Housewives, but are any of them quite as fabulous or as funny?  I think not.  And whoever this new bitch is that is trying to get with Apollo in the previews, she just better step off right now.  You don’t mess with Phaedra.  Not on my watch.  I’m not gonna lie.  I’m not gonna miss Sheree.  She wasn’t really bringing much to the party anymore.  I mean she did provide us with the unforgettable catchphrase “Who gon check me, boo?”  I’m still waiting for the right time to drop that nugget in the middle of a party.  I have to do it when I’m with a group of people that I have no interest in receiving a party invitation from ever again.  Gotta work that out.  In the meantime, if you haven’t heard the genius dance single that goes with that, please take a moment to check it out here.  This is also a hilariously genius blog that you should also read… you know, after you read this.  Now, on to the show.

You Done Me Wrong But It Feels So Right

I know Nene is all part of the Talls villain brigade and has lost all sense of humility, but I kinda still like her.  She, at the very least, is worth a few laughs if nothing else.  And that swagger in her walk is so perfected that it could be considered an art form.  I mean that’s a lot of switch on a woman with a long way to fall if one of those hips goes rogue.  Seems Gregg feels the same way and would like his boo back.  Nene thinks it’s because she’s been doing “a lot of things.”  I love that.  Nothing specific, really.  Just a lot of, you know, stuff.  Surprisingly, she’s open to it but Gregg has to prove himself.  She’s thinking of moving out to LA for a while to shoot her new show “The New Normal.”  Gregg would like to go too, but seems he hasn’t quite proven himself that much.  She’s going to hang out in her new on-set trailer… like the one where Kim was raised.  I see the war between the two hasn’t softened any.  Gregg knows it’s his obligation to put this family back together.  He’s on a mission.  I’m pulling for these two.  Mostly because I don’t want to see creepy Italian shoe giver guy again.

Kandi Coated Knight In Shining Armor

Oh, we fianlly get to meeti Kandi’s boyfriend.  He’s super cute.  Yay!  I like happy Kandi.  She definitely deserves a little love from something that’s not part of her sex toys line.  And they’re moving in together.  Right on.  Talk turns to babies.  She’s 36 and he’s wondering how much time is left on her clock.  Oh the evil sands through the hourglass conversation.  But she’s not trying to talk about a baby right now.  She would like to get married first.  They both have daughters and would like to have a son… named Cash in honor of how they bought their house.  I know that didn’t just come out of her mouth.  I mean that’s shit Kim says.  Of course her son would be named Kash.

How To Know When You’re Getting Ripped Off

Damn that Kim is fertile.  But I guess she needs to keep having babies whose names start with  “k” so she can really Keep Up with The Kardashians.  Wait, she hasn’t heard from her parents since the wedding?  What’s up with that?  I mean I didn’t watch Tardy For The Wedding so I suppose that’s on me.  I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.  Between it being all Kim all the time and the asinine show name, I had to bail.   Wait, Sweetie is back?  Is there no one else in Atlanta qualified to be an assistant whose responsibilities total brushing wigs and drinking with the boss?  Oh and let’s not forget accomplishing both without ever putting down her cellphone.

But the real news here is that Kim & Kroy have to move because they’re at the end of their lease and the owner won’t extend, because she didn’t pay his wife for decorating.  Yeah, that might not have been a helpful move.  They thought about buying it, but appraised for $1MM less than the owners are asking.  So, they have to move.  Not sure where they’re moving but the movers quoted $82k.  WHAT?  Are you moving to Montana?  Uh, hang on Kim.  I’m gonna go rent me a U-Haul and move your shit myself for the low low price of $50,000.  Problem solved.

Pet Cemetery 

Phaedra!  I can’t believe they made me wait almsot 20 minutes for her.  She’s got her funeral service is up and running while she’s finishing her mortician’s degree.  The fact that she’s still not an officially licensed funeral director isn’t stopping her from looking for new revenue streams… like pet funerals.  She’s afriad of dogs but not afraid of burying them.  She found a vet with whom she would like to discuss being a referrer for her business.  She knows that pets have become as important as people’s children so she sees how this could be lucrative for her.  The vet, who is clearly more in the business of keeping the pets alive, seems a little taken aback by Phaedra’s, um, honesty.  Yeah telling her that your childhood pets were probably tossed in the creek is not really going to endear you to this woman.  I think the vet is going to cry, though I think I just saw a sheepish acceptance of Phaedra’s business idea.  Probably because she wanted her to leave before she started looking for sick dogs to start the pre-planning process.

Parenting At It’s Finest

Aw Lawd, look who’s still around.  Yep, it’s Peter.  Hasn’t Cynthia wised up yet?  Is that a word?  Wised?  Anywho, it is today.  Cynthia’s ex, Leon, is also in the house.  Peter is apparently cool with him staying at the house when he’s in town.  Wow, this family just keeps getting more dysfunctional.  Wait, Cynthia pulled her kid out of school and didn’t send her back?  She says Noelle was sad going to school.  So you let her just not go?  That seems like a genius plan.  Leon isn’t in love with this idea either.  Life is hard and you don’t get to just not go to school.  But Cynthia spends the most time with her so she gets to make the decision.  Well, there you have it.  Co-parenting at its finest.  And here comes Noelle… She says that she didn’t want to home school in the first place and wants to go back.  Oh right, maybe asking the kid what she wants to do might be a good starting off place.  I mean I know it’s against the whole “I’m Cynthia and it’s my world” life strategy, but maybe let’s think about it.

A New Country Heard From

Ah a new housewife.  Let’s meet Kenya.  She’s having lunch with one of our favorite hairdressers, Miss Lawrence.  She says she’s moving to Atlanta because she’s ready to start a family and Atlanta is the right environment for that.  What her boyfriend Walter thinks about Atlanta remains to be seen.  We know he wants to get married and have kids.  We also hear that she’s been proposed to 6 times.  Married never.  Oh, Cynthia you have competition.  I can already see the claws coming out between these two.  Kenya looks forward to broadening her horizons which includes trying sushi.  How narrow are your horizons, lady?  Now we get the resume.  She’s an actor, producer, blah blah blah and a former Miss USA.  Oh, and she’s a tough girl.  That means we can expect her to pick some serious fights.  I refer back to Cynthia.  And she goes to the gym 6 days a week.  Oh, Phaedra is going have some donkey booty competition.  She’s focused on her professional life.  Now, it’s time to focus on her personal life.  She’s hoping her man sees this move as a positive.  She’s also hoping she sees a diamond.  I’m hoping we can go back to Miss Lawrence now.

One Woman’s Castle…

Kim goes to visit Kandi at her new house.  The house is amazing but since Sweetie knows everything and thinks this neighborhood isn’t great, Kim calls it the hood.  Well if Sweetie says so…  I mean you know since Sweetie is the arbiter of tatste.  Kim is such a snob and isn’t sure this house is good enough.  Um this house is amazing and the size of a small country.  But we are talking about Kim who just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a house she’s getting kicked out of.  Wow, that’s a helluva guest house, Kandi.  I am happy to be your guest anytime.  Just give me a ring and I’m on my way.  Oh I’m gonna punch Sweetie in her face.  Girl, stop rolling your eyes and talking smack.  You’re an assistant and a shitty one at that.  You can’t even afford the rent on Kandi’s guest house.  And Kim, you’re trying to get yourself evicted, so maybe you should tone it down on the judemental attitude as well.  I thought we were supposed to see less of Kim this season…  Can we start now?

A Real Power Lunch

Nene is in Los Angeles meeting with Ryan Murphy, who is clearly killing it in the TV biz with Glee, The New Normal and American Horror Story.  If he’s wanting to work with you, you’re doing something right.  Nene’s starring in The New Normal and they’re looking for a younger brother for her.  He thinks Taye Diggs.  Taye Diggs is never the wrong answer.  And who could be her love interest?  Well, I’d be voting for Taye in that role instead, but she is a solid foot taller than he is.  That would be… um, awkward.  OK, that was not an invitation to show the creepy Italian again.  Nene tells Ryan that she’s dating her ex again.  Ryan likes that storyline.  Nene decides to call Tyler Perry for some reason.  She says they’re such good friends just as she finds out his phone numbers has been disconnected.  Whoops.  That was genius.  I do love that she laughed though and didn’t try and play it off.  Yeah, I’m liking the Nene as power woman story happening here.

Model Behavior

Wait, isn’t there another new Housewife?  Kordell Stewart’s wife is supposed to be joining us, no?  Did they just not feel like getting around to her tonight?

Anywho, it’s another open call at the Baily Agency.  This time it’s for JET Magazine’s Beauty of The Week.  Cynthia says they’re making history?  Wait, what did I miss?  What’s historic about this?  If it’s the Beauty of the Week, I’m pretty sure they do this… every week.  So, I’m not sure that this qualifies as historical… not that I expected Cynthia to find humility in the off-season.  Kenya has been invited to be a judge.  Um, are these really the best women Atlanta has to offer? Come on.  There has to be better than this.  I mean I’m not trying to be mean, but we’re talking about model good looks and this isn’t exactly Tyra-level casting.  Kenya agrees with me but isn’t exactly being gracious about it.  She straight up calls one of the models a man.  Cynthia isn’t pleased and would like to see more class from Kenya.  That pretty much goes in one ear and out the other  as she tells a girl she doesn’t know why she’s even there.  Now, the judge from JET is getting involved and saying she needs to cut it out.  She says no.  He says yes.  Uh, you do realize that this is their casting, right?  Wrong.

Next girl gets called a stripper.  And called out for not shaving.  Um, gonna have to agree with the second part of that equation.  How do you show up to a casting in a bikini without having had some private time with your razor?  Or better yet, waxer?  Kenya doesn’t let up and the words “coochie crack tired” come out of her mouth.  Keeping it classy, Kenya.

Terrance, on of Cynthia’s assistants, has had enough and calls her out.  Carlton, Cynthia’s other assitant, tells her there’s a polite way to give feedback.  That may be true, but she doesn’t care.  She goes full bitch on him and even pulls the “who are you?” crap.  Do people really still do that?  Yeah, already can’t stand this bitch.  Why did you bother to replace Marlo with Marlo 2?  Kenya calls security on Carlton.  Wait, this woman brought her own security to a local model search?  You must be kidding me.  That’s a level of self-importance I can’t even wrap my head around.  Uh, Cynthia are you planning on stepping up and defending your agency, clients and assistants?  Oh there you go.  Cynthia tries to put some rules into place, but it’s a little too late.  The freight train known as Kenya is already charging down the track.  Yeah, she isn’t hearing anything Cynthia is trying to say being that she’s now she’s addressing all the finalists as if it’s her agency.  Cynthia also gives a speech, which is basically just repeating what Kenya already said.  Way to own the day, Cynthia.

My take-away from this mess:  Kenya needs a facial.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Oh there are going to be some epic blow-ups this season.  As long as Miss Phaedra is with us making me laugh, I’m ready for the ride.  I think.  Wait, let me get some nausea medicine first… AKA wine.