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Two Winey Bitches Reality Awards – 2011

Posted on December 31, 2011 by | 1 Comment

The Reality of 2011 According To Two Winey Bitches

We couldn’t let the year pass without giving a few shout-outs to those that made us laugh, smile and want to punch holes in our TV sets.  2011 has been a fun year for us and we hope you’ve enjoyed our little blog.  We have some new shows on our radar that we’ll be reviewing and some new features coming in the new year.  Let’s hope the Mayans are wrong and that we have many more years of wine and bitchiness.  Now, for the awards…

Favorite Reality Star of the Year:  J.R. Martinez  – This one’s a no-brainer.  Is there a better example of what a hero should be?  We think not.  It was hard not to cheer for J.R. from the start.  There were some decent contenders in the motley crew of “stars” this year, but anyone else winning the Dancing With The Stars Mirror Ball Trophy would have been akin to treason… and that’s not hyperbole.  It might be a little.  But really, we love J.R. like a Winey Bitch loves wine.  And that’s a lot.

Biggest “Fame Aneurism” – NeNe “I’m Rich, Bitch” Leakes  – Oh NeNe, how we miss the kinder-ish, gentler-ish version of you.  Well, at least the funnier version of you.  Fame has seriously gone to your head and exploded in a big bad ugly way.  Hence, the fame aneurism.  It’s not just your cast mates that have tired of your shenanigans.  We all have.  Only you, NeNe, could talk about Donald Trump more than, well, Donald Trump.  And let us clue you, being on Celebrity Apprentice does not make you rich, bitch.

  • Honorable Mention - Teresa Guidice – The only reason Teresa didn’t take the top award in this category is because we have to give her credit (as much as it pains us to do so) for taking the “bankruptcy bull” by the horns and writing herself a best-selling cookbook.  That, however, doesn’t excuse her turning into a total mean girl and stabbing everyone in her path in the back.  That grating voice of hers was much more bearable when it was used for ditzy and not for evil, as it is now.

Things we never wanted to see / hear – Kim Zolciak – Yeah, pretty much across the board with everything we see and hear.  First, there’s the peeing every episode.  Um, why?  No really, why?  Thankfully, she’s finally had the baby so Bravo will stop with the audio overs of her tinks in every scene set in her home.  Then there’s treating us to her amazing parenting skills – driving while pumping her breasts and handing her 13-year-old daughter the wheel while cruising down an Atlanta freeway.  Throw in her self-portraiture displayed in every corner of her world, her dresses far too small to contain her “titties” and the gauche decor of her house and we really have seen and heard enough of Kim for a lifetime.

Best Party of the Year - Adrienne’s Fashion Show – Even if it was partially self-serving, we have to raise a glass to Adrienne for throwing a party supporting the empowerment of girls to reach for their dreams.  If you’ve heard any of our podcasts… Oh wait, since we’ve never actually published any of them, that would be somewhat impossible… So, let’s just say we talk at length about the lack of strong female figures in our society for young girls to look up to.  We’re pointing at you, Kardashians.  So, kudos to Adrienne for putting together a classy, sophisticated soiree that helped someone other than Bravo.

Worst Party of the Year – Game Night at Dana’s – Meringue fluff on a table with cotton ball dominoes – ‘nuff said.

Least Compelling Cast Addition – Dana Wilkey - As if the Game Night alone wasn’t enough… We’re not really sure what the point of her addition to the show is other than to kiss everyone’s ass and let us know how much money she wastes on frivolous stuff like a $1MM lollipop holder and $25K sunglasses.  Seriously, we haven’t seen a cast addition this unnecessary and this annoying since Chrissy showed up on Growing Pains.  Can we be done now?

Worst Person In The World (of Reality) – Bentley – Again, another no brainer.  From the moment Bentley stepped onto the set of The Bachelorette, his campaign to use and abuse Ashley for his own entertainment began… And our campaign to hate him with every cell of our beings began as well.  Real or invented, his personality was so loathsome it was impossible to watch him without aide of reality-softening agents (aka: booze).  Only Bentley could make us cheer out loud for the mind-numbingly insecure Ashley as she finally put an end to the grating “dot dot dot” nonsense.

  • Honorable Mention - Ashley Holmes - Another incredibly close call.  Ashley (and we refuse to indulge her name change to Ashlee) spent the entire season of the RHONJ disrespecting her parents and smirking in the general direction of anyone remotely interested in trying to help her not be a sucky person.  PS – They all failed.  She sucks.  She provided exactly zero moments of sunshine causing us to want to smack the smug right off of her face.  Just typing this makes us all twitchy with indignation.  Where’s that open bottle of wine…

Least Memorable Reality Cast 2011 – The Real Housewives of Miami – This was the least memorable cast since, well, The Real Housewives of D.C.  Apparently, lightening doesn’t strike in all cities. Honestly, we can’t even remember the names of this cast other than Scotty Pippin’s wife… whose name is “Scotty Pippen’s Wife”.  These Housewives weren’t shallow or dramatic enough to hate.  And they weren’t um, shallow or dramatic enough to like.  They just… were.  Even Bravo wasn’t invested being that their reunion was held on the set of Watch What Happens Live, clearly sounding the death knell on a second season.

Best Reality Couple  – Pauly D and Vinnie – While the insanity that is the rest of the Jersey Shore cast swirled around them, Pauly D & Vinnie never let it affect their burgeoning bromance.  Bonded by their love of all things GTL, girls DTF and a general WTF attitude towards their other roommates, these two are destined to be BFFs forever.

Worst Reality Couple – Alex McCord & Simon Van Kempen – Damn you for every cringe-worthy second of airtime you subjected us to!!  From pretentious in-home art shows to lingerie modeling to sexy Skyping, these two make us want to crawl out of our skin… or into our TVs to deliver the bitch-slap heard round the world.  Christmas came early this year when we heard that Alex, and by proxy Simon, had been relieved of her duties on the Housewives series.  I guess no one was all that interested in hearing her “new found voice” anymore.

  • Honorable Mention – Vienna & Kasey – How this “power couple” came about is beyond all logic and reason.  Clearly, he has a taste for weaves & bad dye jobs, while she’s cool with dating someone who publicly promised to guard & protect another woman’s heart.  And by declared it, we mean tattooed in a cheesy heart on his wrist. These two spent the majority of their time on Bachelor Pad battling each other over matters of the ego and basically acting a fool.  They are why reality TV is the train wreck we can’t stop watching… even if it does make us feel badly about ourselves.

Least Sympathetic Character That Really Should Be Sympathetic – Taylor Armstrong – Let us first start by saying that in no way, shape or form do either of the Winey Bitches condone a man laying a hand on a woman in an act of violence ever.  And by ever, we mean EVER.  That being said, we still aren’t sure what really went down with Russell and Taylor.  From all accounts on this season of the RHOBH, there seems to be doubt from all parties involved and Taylor isn’t helping herself by playing everyone against each other.  Throw in her need to blame others for her problems, her penchant for self-righteous meltdowns and her confessions of preferring a life in a bad marriage to having to be poor and we’re finding it really hard to root for her.  We all know this story doesn’t end well for anyone, and for that we’re sad, but the real sympathetic character in all of this is Kennedy. 


Best Facial Overhaul – Jill Zarin – To all of you out there who might be considering getting some work done (Pay attention here Taylor), please do consider the Liquid Facelift.  It’s the kinder gentler version of a new face.  Can we please stop already with the frozen foreheads and overblown lips now?  You’re starting to scare the children.  Really, less is more people!  Jill, you look amazing!  We’re just sorry you didn’t get a contract renewal.

Most Misdiagnosed Men’s Health Issue – The Poison - We have to thank Joe Gorga for bringing to our attention the often under-appreciated pain and suffering associated with having “The Poison” coursing through a man’s body.  Neither his wife nor the viewing audience truly comprehended the desperate need to remove “The Poison” attacking his system.  If only there was some way to relieve himself of this awful condition… Wait, what’s that?  Sex will empty him of the evil poison?  Who knew?  Oh right, Joe knew.  Um, Joe, we hate to put on the Captain Obvious cape here, but cancer is poison… your “swimmers” however, are a far cry.  Although a tip of the hat for coming up with one of the most creative ways to try and get yourself a little somethin’ somethin’.

Worst Dress Collection – Simon Van Kempen – We think Simon’s sudden foray into wearing caftan dresses was a desperate cry for more camera time.  But regardless of the reason, we are pretty sure Divine was rolling over in his grave completely horrified by this man trying to rock the frock!!  Just when you thought Simon couldn’t make himself any less attractive…

UBest Dress Collection That Inspired A Winey Bitch Fashion Trend – The RHONY Caftan Collection – And speaking of caftans… Yes, all those crazy Housewives running around Morocco ensuring that the phrase “Ugly American” lives on did inspire us momentarily.  No, not with the behavior but with the fashion.  How we loved the fabulosity that was the Countess in a caftan.  We loved it so much that we sacrificed entire days to pouring over the Internet trying to find just the right ones to add to our collection.  I believe those are referred to in the working world as “sick days”.  Look, a girl needs a day off to shop every now and again.  We’re sure there’s a study in a medical journal somewhere that says that.   Now, about booking that trip…

Best One-Liners of The Season – Luann De Lesseps – “You came in with your Herman Munster shoes.”  A brilliant line all on its own only made better by Luann’s haughty reply to Alex saying they are Louis Vuitton, “Well even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.”  I mean you can’t write this stuff… Oh.  Regardless, Luann really earned her royal self a crown in our books with her zingers this year.  She was the one bright spot of humor in a season filled with painfully humorless women.  Come on ladies, lighten up!

  • Honorable Mention – Phaedra Parks – Miss Phaedra has really worked her way onto our favorites list this season with her one-liners.  From her donkey booty to her prayer cloth to ward off lusty spirits to her thoughts on Peter’s “village of children”, we can’t stop smiling when she’s on the screen.  We just can’t wait for her to get that Funeral Parlor up and running.  That’s gonna be a goldmine for good times!  Yes, we see the irony and potential crassness in that but it’s too much fun.

Person We’d Most Want As A Friend – Kandi Burruss – We talked about Cindy Barshop for the free waxes or Adrienne Maloof for the free at-(her)-home spa treatments but realized that we’d probably be over the drama before the end of the first hang.  But Kandi is someone we think we could spend serious quality time with.  She comes across as down-to-earth, honest and fun.  We’d love to share a bottle of bubbly with Kandi and get down to some real girl talk…. further convincing her that we deserve a guest spot on Kandi Koated Nights.  Besides, we’re pretty convinced we’ve got a “Tardy For the Party” hit brewing inside of us.  Bring on the Autotune!

Best Reality Show We Don’t Review – Love & Hip-Hop – We love this show.  We really do.  What we don’t love is getting sucker punched.  And after watching this show, we’re pretty sure if we were to publicly mock this show as we do all the others, that’s what would be in store for us.  So, we just watch and mock in the privacy of our own homes.  We’re pretty sure the same would happen with Mob Wives, but we don’t actually like that show.  And by “don’t like”, we mean “love”.  Seriously.  Don’t hurt us.

Best Scripted Show – Revenge – Oh how we love this show!  Drama, suspense and intrigue… It’s been a long time since a nighttime drama was this much delicious fun.  And really, Madeline Stowe looks amazing.  Whatever she’s doing, sign us up… Well, unless it involves exercise or giving up cheese.  If you haven’t checked this show out, we recommend spending your hangover (aka: New Year’s Day) catching up on previous episodes online or On Demand.  You won’t be sorry.

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Real Housewives of New York – Reunion Part 2

Posted on August 8, 2011 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  The torture continues and steals another 90 minutes of our lives. 

In case you can't hear my crazy clearly all the way over there, let me help you out.

Our Thoughts:  

Melissa:  OK, here’s hoping I can keep up with tonight’s reunion episode… I just knew I should have watched some tennis to get my neck all stretched out for the inane back and forth prattle!!

Rachel:  And we’re back… sigh…  I actually feel like these women have sucked the life force out of me.  They are exhausting.  I wonder how they can watch this and not be completely embarrassed for themselves.  That’s a level of living outside of reality that I just do not understand.

What Is This Internet Of Which You Speak?

LuAnn and Ramona face-off about the ladies refusing to be in her music video.  LuAnn thinks Ramona was being hypocritical by saying that LuAnn’s videos are inappropriate… especially because it will on video forever… but her own behavior is ok because well… it’s not going to be on video forever.

Rachel:  As If the first show didn’t confuse me enough, I’m now trying to process how Ramona is running 4 businesses yet cannot understand the concept that this show will live on video forever exactly the same way LuAnn’s music video will live on video forever.  I think she really thinks this is all real life.   It’s like the Truman Show except that she can actually see the cameras.  Or maybe she can’t through that Pinot Grigio haze. 

Melissa:  Way to go LuAnn with the quick rebuttal of Avery thinking your video was appropriate but her mother paw-paw McGraw her father is acceptable because no one saw it - it’s a video… ew, I almost just threw up in the corner.

A Function Alcoholic… That’s a Compliment Right?

Ramona praises God for letting her be a functioning alcoholic – can I get an AMEN?  She seriously thinks it was a compliment.  Denial & delusional.

Rachel:  No one wants to say whether or not Ramona has a drinking problem.  OK, I’ll say it.  Ramona has a drinking problem.

Melissa:  Oh I think we all get Ramona’s Pinot Grigio obsession!!  Why we had to see the Pinot-demanding Ramona montage is beyond me unless it is Bravo’s attempt at an intervention.  Oh my apologies, she drinks constantly so she too can get a booze deal like Bethenny.  Here’s the thing though ‘Mona… Bethenny didn’t sample every other bottle.  And thanking God for being able to drink and function???  Really woman you need to get a little help.  I get you want to make a joke to diffuse people from calling you an alcoholic, but cool your jets will you??

Just Own It

The Countess is confronted about her little digs during the season and admits that she wasn’t always well-behaved.  She isn’t perfect, after all… even if she did write a book about manners & etiquette.

Rachel:  Everyone take a page from the Countess (pun intended)… That is how you handle the hard questions about your bad behavior.  You own it and have a good time with it.  Say what you want but she really does have the most class of the ladies… not that it’s a high ladder to climb.

These Two Belong Together

We’re treated once again to Simon and his need to insert himself in the middle of the women’s business.  Alex defends Simon and a man’s right to yell at women.  The women, needless to say, take offense to this… not that Alex will ever hear a side that is counter to what Simon thinks or feels.  The two of them are the epitome of sophistication (because we can’t say “class”) and she’s not above reminding the rest of the ladies that they are lucky she deigns to be around them.

Rachel:  Aw, a whole segment on Droopy Dog Simon.  Gag.  He actually makes me cringe.  But what makes me cringe even more is the fact that Alex holds herself up on this pedestal of being more sophisticated and noble than the other ladies, yet has no problem dropping the real “C” word on the viewing audience.  Lord knows my mouth sometimes resemble that of a truck driver’s but I’d seriously wash my own mouth out with soap if I dropped the C-bomb as often as Alex.  Also, can someone call the oil baron McCords and ask them if that word was allowed at the dinner table?  Mother, please pass the aspic you little c**t. 

Melissa:  NO!!  Are they seriously going to discuss Simon’s antics this season??  This man really needs to be cut out of all footage because he’s just dragging the show down.  I cannot believe they allow him to be talked about… thus giving him exactly what he was hoping for.  High-five you crazed little pageant daddy way to work your airtime.

Ya Habi-bitches

We head back to Morocco to relive every painful moment.  Well, it’s painful for us.  Clearly, Kelly enjoys listening to Alex meltdown again.

Melissa:  Finally the Morocco review… it would be great if I could keep up with all these ladies talking over each other.  OK, I’ll give it a go – Ramona’s ill-mannered comments, Sonja’s luggage obsession, Alex’s stomping, Cindy’s Hanger-gate… I think I caught it all.  Holy Crap and a clapping cackle from Ramona.  OK, I’m making a TWB declaration right now… we need to implement RedBull instead of wine for future reunions… I can’t keep up with this – seriously, I’m exhausted!!

Rachel:  Alex says she wasn’t fighting Ramona’s battles.  She was defending Ramona because she was too distraught to do it on her own.  Alex gets called out because Ramona was running around the rhiad like a school girl… not so much distraught.  They say no, it was 5 hours apart.  Andy calls them out and says no it was the same time.  They checked the tape.  I LOVE IT!  Andy’s over it like the rest of us.  Finally, a bullshit call that gets heard.

How Do You Say “Cougar” In Yiddish?

LuAnn tells us that she and Jacques are going to be going to Paris with the kids to meet her ex.  There is concern from Andy since Jacques is Jewish and her ex… um… not the biggest fan of the Jewish brethren.  LuAnn is nonplussed and can’t imagine why it would be a big deal… Apparently, she forgot that last year she told us she’d never date a Jew.

Rachel:  Wait… wait… wait… Hold the matzoh.  Jacques is Jewish?  This is the most shocking revelation of the entire 3 hours.  I thought the Countess was adverse to taking a dip in the semite pool.  I guess the times they are a-changin’.  A cougar and a J-Dater.  Alrighty then… you go Countess.  

Fin:

Melissa:  The lines have been drawn and it will remain the blondes versus the brunettes until contracts are renegotiated.  Thanks for a less-than-eventful season that made me want to contemplate water-boarding in lieu of watching.  Bring on Beverly Hills, I’ve been missing the hell out of that crazy Camille!!  Also, I want to find out why the hell Taylor looks SO bad in the preview!

Rachel:  I need a shower.

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Real Housewives of New York – Reunion Part 1

Posted on August 7, 2011 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  Finally, the reunion show which translates to: this torture is almost over!!

The calm before the storm.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  I always find it interesting that everyone is always happy, smiling and “CHEERS!!” at the end of the season but by the time the reunion rolls around and they’ve watch all the behind-the-back talking… the talons have been sharpened to a razor’s edge.  Let’s hope part 1 doesn’t disappoint!

Rachel:  Remember last week when I said the Reunion would be easy and I was just happy to have the season end.  I lied.  I “Bill-Clinton-I-Did-Not-Have-Sexual-Relations-With-That-Woman” lied.  These women are horrible.  Horrrrrrible.  There are not enough words for horrible to describe how horrible they are.  And there’s not enough wine in the State of Florida to make them bearable.

But let’s talk about how they look before I go back to being a winey Whiney… I gotta say that Jill looks fantastic… That liquid lift is like liquid gold.  She looks 10 years younger without that weird “I’m being held up by the back of my head” look that most women who’ve lifted their pusses have.  LuAnn looks great but it comes off as looking underdressed in comparison to the other women who apparently thought they were attending the Oscars.  Actually everyone looks lovely in their jewel tones and metallics… except Alex…as usual.  Her boobs are freaking me out and I just hate teal and what’s with her hair and lord that make-up is bad and the Dynasty shoulders are making her head look even smaller and…  gasp… air… She looks bad.

The First 5 Minutes Are Free

The ladies start out purring…

Melissa:  May I just quickly jump in with my annoyance over the “hellos”… why do all the women have to act as though they work the phone sex line and Andy is their latest caller??  Is it me or is that just unnecessary?   I do like the Blondes vs. Brunettes seat assignments… very far apart that way they can yell across Andy at each other.  Yes kiddies, the sides have been taken and no one is backing down!  Oh ladies… I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?  Speaking of good old Rodney, didn’t he just get arrested?  Sorry, tangent (shake a shiny object moment)… moving along.

Every Time A Housewife Speaks A Gay Gets His Ring

We go back to the Gay Marriage Rally and relive Sonja’s moment… since the day was all about Sonja, of course.  Alex lets us know that all the fighting at the rally was ok because it is what brought attention to the Gay Marriage fight in New York.  Kelly disagrees.  The fighting was not ok and she knows because she is the “nice one”.

Rachel:  And here we are…  Back at The Pride March and it’s still all about the ladies.  Seems to be really getting under Kelly’s skin.  Not sure what this has to do with Kelly but here she is muttering under her breath…. or maybe she’s just making contact with one of her other personalities.  But her behavior feels normal in comparison to Alex saying that their fighting is what gave exposure to New York’s fight to marriage equality.  Wow, the level of arrogance on these ladies.  I’m actually shocked to see that Andy is still sitting in his chair.  You know inside he is screaming “Oh no that bitch did not just go there!”

Kelly’s been voted third nicest celebrity… by Cosmopolitan???  What were the qualifications for this contest?  Only models that have been married to Giles Bensimon are nominated?  If so, then I can see her being third on the list.  Meanwhile, for the record, I just Googled “Kelly nice” and no Kelly Bensimon came up.  Then I Googled “Kelly crazy” and the entire page is Kelly Bensimon.  True story.

It’s All About The Genes

Sonja discusses her bankruptcy and divorce.  It’s not the money she’s upset about.  It’s the demise of her marriage because that it what is important to her.

Melissa:  Really, must we review Sonia’s year so she can cry and hope to have everyone feel bad for her – that is until we remember what a bitch she is?  I do appreciate everyone asking the question that had me scratching my head… how does one lose their blackberry in the toilet, then not notice you’ve lost it?  Sadly we didn’t really get an answer to that one… ah, we’ll just add that to the list… like where is Atlantis, is the Bermuda Triangle the portal to another universe or crop circles.

Rachel:  I don’t know why I find it funny that Sonja’s bankruptcy issue involves John Travolta.  I think I just find him and his oddly shaped head funny… Pretty sure Scientologists have just bugged my phone for speaking out publicly against one of theirs.  And while I do have sympathy for Sonja…  Wait, did she just say that she has great genealogy?  Who says that?  And like that (I just snapped my fingers for those playing somewhere that’s not in my house), sympathy gone.

Jill v Alex Part I


Jill calls Alex out for meddling.  Alex calls Jill out for gossiping.  They call each other out for being rude at the wedding.  And it ends with them calling each other an “effing bitch”.

Rachel:  I’m so glad Jill called Alex out for meddling because that girl has lost control of her mouth.  She is so desperate for attention… like the shy girl in high school that suddenly gets a taste of popularity cause she made out with the quarterback that one night… that she can’t stop saying provocative things so the attention keeps coming her way.  It’s like crack for her… I think she’s literally high on attention.  Maybe that’s why she’s sweating like a hooker in church.

Ha!  I don’t need to see another second of this show to tell you what my favorite moment is and forever will be… Hands down Jill & Alex calling each other “effing bitches”.  Well played ladies.  Now THIS will make your children proud. 

Jill v Ramona

We are treated to a montage of the highlights of the season’s battles between Jill and Ramona… all of which are loud and none of which are rational.

Melissa:  Now for the moment everyone has been waiting for… well… you know what I mean, the moment Bravo thinks we’re waiting for – the Jill vs. Ramona bitchfest montage!!  Ladies… I am begging you both… just give up, you’ve clearly reached the end of this friendship run.  Seriously, move it along.

Shoot Me…

You bitches are crazy!

Melissa:  BTW… how funny is it that Cindy is just sitting back and watching the insanity… she’s got to be thinking “WTF did I get myself into with this shit, I just wanted to promote my business!!”

Rachel:  I’m with Cindy on this one.  I can’t even follow this anymore…  Your party was boring.  You have to make it all about you.  No you do.  Well you’re delusional.  No you are.  This is nonsense.  Absolute nonsense.  They should all be on valium.  They are now Charlie Brown’s teacher to me… I have heard nothing since Andy told them to “shut up” and called them “beasts”. 

It’s A Dead Man’s Party

Finally, Cindy gets her “at bat” and it sends Ramona off the deep end about Cindy’s brother taking her dead friend’s cigars and wearing his suits.  Everyone clearly thinks she’s insane… and it’s not just the people on the set.

Rachel:  Oy.  I’ve regained consciousness just in time for the dead man’s suit.  Are we still listening to this nonsense?  Ramona is a maniac.  It’s not her dead husband.  Why does she care?  It’s the woman that Cindy’s brother is dating’s dead husband…  I think she probably gets to decide who wears the suits.  Then again, I’m using logic in a situation where logic is as fantastical as the unicorn. 

Ramona v LuAnn

Ramona & LuAnn address their “differences”.  LuAnn is offended by Ramona’s characterization that she’s a bad mom.  Ramona has no idea what she’s talking about since she’s not responsible for anything that comes out of her mouth. 

Melissa:  A little Ramona / LuAnn battle now… wait a second… is Ramona the common denominator?  Has anyone noticed Ramona likes to drop little “you did this… I’m not going to talk about it, you know what you did ” then chuckles to herself as though she’s in on some big secret that only she knows?  Again, I’m going to ask Bravo to release her from her contract so she can get help.  As for saying her daughter is wonderful and amazing compared to LuAnn’s – um, did you actually watch the footage of her telling you what you can and can’t do at a party you are footing the bill for?  Seriously, that girl is one season away from RHONJ’s Ashley.  At least we know when you and Mario divorce she’ll have an excuse for her poor behavior.

Rachel:  I’m in stunned silence (which is probably ok since I’m alone) that Ramona actually cannot see how wrong it is to rip on someone’s kids and their mothering skills.  Holy shit she’s out of control.  This whole thing is out of control.  I don’t blame Jill for walking out… Can I walk out now?

Part 1 Wrap up:

Alex starts panting like a crazy person… I think we all feel crazier having experienced this.

Melissa:  I feel like I need to apologize this week… I just couldn’t keep up with the tempest like conversations I was witnessing – seriously… and to top it all off Alex starts turning red-faced and panting?  I really did expect her to start frothing at the mouth.  Geez women, all of you need to get a grip!!  Where the hell is Ramona’s pinot?  I think everyone needs to take a glass or two and calm the F down before part 2… yes, there’s a part 2.

Rachel:   Do we really need 90 more minutes of this?  Really?

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Real Housewives of New York – Week 16

Posted on July 31, 2011 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  The season wraps up with a gala event to celebrate a one-year dating anniversary, a pregnancy scare & a collective sigh of exhaustion from the viewing audience.

Ramona suddenly realizes that a pregnancy means no Pinot Grigio for 9 months.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  Yeah, that’s right… this is the week the universe kinda jerks its axis and somehow LuAnn sings a duet with Natalie Cole – of course I’ve learned to expect the season finales to leave us a bit perplexed.

Rachel:  I don’t want to make too much of this being the last week of these inane women but I may have shouted “Free at last!” while I popped a bottle of bubbly.  I realize there is a reunion show still coming but I feel like that’s just sliding into home plate.  Delusional?  Probably.  But it’s fitting considering we’re talking about this crew.   

This Is So Cole


LuAnn gets a “surprise” visit from Natalie Cole, who is a huge fan of hers natch.  Luckily, Natalie just happens to be free the night that LuAnn is throwing a party to celebrate one year of dating Jacques and has agreed to sing a song… Of course, only as long as LuAnn joins her for a duet.

Melissa:  UGH, and we have to start the show with LuAnn’s song.  I swear Bravo, if I wake up humming this shite tune… you’ll be hearing from me!!  Ah, and entrée Madame Cole and my goodness she still is stunning!  Clearly someone has some nekkid pics of her to get her on this show and sing at LuAnn’s party… a duet, no less!

Rachel:   Apparently the new hot phrase according to LuAnn’s producer is “far out”.  Really?  I’m sorry but I refuse to allow that dude to revive a phrase that had long been dead for good reason.  And my goodness does Natalie Cole look like she needs a cookie.  That’s crazy skinny.  Lawd,  this is such a contrived situation and it’s getting old.  She’ll sing at the party???  That wasn’t even expected!  What an unplanned completely spontaneous situation!

Appropriate Dinner Conversation

Ramona & Mario host a dinner party where their guests are regaled by Avery’s tales of her mother’s menstrual cycle because nothing says party conversation like a woman’s period.  Meanwhile, Alex gets a phone call from LuAnn during dinner inviting her to the anniversary party, which she politely takes on speaker.

Rachel:  Oh look, another set-up.  The topic of a second child just randomly is broached during cocktails.  Oh Ramona, could you have another baby?  Oh Alex, I’ve always wanted one… cue the pregnancy scare previews.  I’m so bored with this.  If there wasn’t enough story line for 16 episodes then maybe you should have stopped at like, oh, 8.  Wow, Avery… party talk topics generally don’t include “mommy’s period”.  And seriously, does Ramona really tell her daughter that her menstrual cycle keeps her looking young?  Ramona doesn’t look young becuase she has her period… Unless her plastic surgeon’s name is Dr. Period.

Melissa:  Yes, the topic of the night is babies and Avery’s desire for a sibling… not to mention  the drumming beat of Ramona’s biological clock!!  Here’s my question folks (FYI, sidebar):  Why is it all the Housewives have “private” conversations on speaker?  Really, it’s just the dumbest thing ever!  I apologize if that offends any of you speaker speakers – I personally like my conversations to be mine and not involve all around me.  Also, Alex ending her phone call with LuAnn with the claim of being with “a ton of people right now” – Um, I don’t have an advanced math degree, but I’m thinking 6 isn’t really a “ton”.

Another Simon Drama Moment For Airtime


Alex shows up to her latest modeling gig with a face full of acne and the news that this is her first magazine shoot.  She also lets us know she walked in 7 shows during New York Fashion Week so she’s really a runway model.  Simon shows up and proceeds to let everyone know that his time is what’s really important by audibly complaining about how late Alex is running… which clearly is affecting his schedule.

Melissa: Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more annoying…  It’s Alex modeling.  Funny how the creative director seems a bit concerned now that she let him know it’s her first magazine shoot (“Why the F didn’t they tell me that when I booked this stupid contract.  Selling my soul to Bravo was such a bad idea”).  Aw, a glimpse into her latest award: “Us Weekly’s worst dressed 2010”!!  I’m so proud of you Alex!!  I knew all that hard work and dedication to completely ignoring the mirror and listening to Simon would pay off!

Rachel:  I love that Alex shows up to her latest fashion shoot with a face full of zits.  Awesome.  And how on earth did she walk in 7 shows?  I need to write down the names of these designers so that I never buy a piece of clothing for them.  And Simon walking in to demand they hurry up so they don’t have to pay the babysitter… That just smacks of professionalism.  Dude, your wife has already teed them up for a bad run.  Now you and your whining?  Douche bag!  Uh, shut up.  And Alex on the worst dressed list… Finally truth in reality tv.  These two are exhausting.

Fight of the Week: Sonja v Cindy… Again


Sonja & Cindy try, yet again, to come to some level of friendship after the disastrous breakfast at Sonja’s.  Can someone just let these two off the hook and tell them they don’t have to get along.  The audience is no longer amused and prefers to have their fights include at least one of the following:  Alex, Kelly or LuAnn.  At least, we get some good solid crazy from them.

Melissa:  More Sonja and Cindy?  When will they ever learn?  Ladies, let’s just call it a day and be done with it shall we?  The two of you are starting to stomp on my last nerve.  A side note dear Sonja… sweetie, you need to do the “sit check” before you leave the house.  Don’t know what that is?  Sit and make sure your ass end doesn’t stick out of the top of your pants because I can’t help but look at that muffin top you have going on your lower back.

It’s Either A Baby or A Push-Up Bra

Ramona runs to Sonja’s to tell her that she thinks she may be pregnant.  Her boobs are enormous and they hurt so the only logical conclusion is that she’s pregnant… or she’s wearing a push-up bra that too small.

Melissa:  Ramona shares her potential pregnancy news with Sonja… before even talking to Mario.  WOW, I gotta say that would cause a huge issue in my house!!  Now, I’m gonna just put the logic hat on for a second.  I mean… she is of that “progressed age” where the body decides the baby making years are over… Is she wishful thinking for a pregnancy spin-off like Betheny?

Rachel:  A young uterus, Sonja?  Is this the new fashion?  Anyhow, so let’s all pretend we’re shocked that after the prego convo that Ramona thinks she’s pregnant.  Come on… You’re in your fifties Ramona!  It’s called “The Change”.  This is making my Chronic Housewives Fatigue Syndrome flare up and now my eye is twitching.  Where’s my medicine?  And by medicine, I mean champagne bottle.

Already Pushing To Make the 2012 List

Sonja, Alex & Ramona show-off their fashion choices for the evening.  Apparently, Alex is already looking to make the 2012 Worst Dressed List.

Rachel:  Normally I’d be overwhelmed by the two ladies in leopard doing their best “Mutton Dressed Like Lamb” impersonations but that hot pink outfit on Alex is has really just thrown me for a loop.  Does Alex actually understand what it means to make the Worst Dressed List or are she & her husband so publicity-hungry that they’ll take it as a positive?  I bet Simon is mad he didn’t make the list seeing how hard he’s worked with those he-dresses.

Let’s Go Yachting and Pee On A Stick

Sonja and Ramona couldn’t possibly not make the night about them so they lock themselves in the yacht’s bathroom & give Ramona a pregnancy test. Nothing says classy like peeing on a stick in the middle of a party… Then again, we use the “c” word so who are we to judge.

Melissa:  Ramona decides LuAnn’s party is the appropriate time to drop the (would be) baby bomb on Mario… and his deer-in-headlights reaction is not quite the response Ramona was hoping for.  So, off the head with Sonja to take her test… Um, wouldn’t you want to do that at home??  Oh, wait… I took my test at the King Of Prussia mall.  Wait, what was I saying?  Never mind, moving along. 

Rachel:  Taking a pregnancy test at a party?  Really?  Are there no boundaries in this world?  And is Ramona really peeing on a stick in a giant fur coat?   And does the cameraman really want to be in there with them?  Whoa… mid-50s?  You think you’re pregnant in your mid-50s?  Yes that was a lot of questions that luckily I just happen to have the answers to:  Yep.  Yeah, I wouldn’t lie to you.  Nope, none.  She really is.  About as much as the Pope wants to be at a gay wedding.  Those are the beans that Jill just spilled.  You have a snowballs chance in Hell.

A Final One-Liner From LuAnn

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LuAnnBlancheLine

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LuAnn gives us one last zinger for our viewing pleasure.

The Duet We’ve All Been Waiting For

LuAnn & Natalie sing a duet of L.O.V.E. for Jacques to celebrate one year of dating bliss.  Simon lurks angrily in the background and then delivers a back-handed compliment by saying LuAnn should stick with show tunes instead of making those dreadful “autotuned” songs – apparently, the tool of the devil.

Rachel:  Ok, I have to give it to LuAnn… She actually held her own with Natalie Cole… and that’s no easy feat.  But the question is what was with Simon as the evil stalker skulking in the background?  Is he mad that we didn’t get an encore of his “I’m Real” catastrophe of a song… which let’s not forget was autotuned to the point of being unrecognizable.  Pot.  Kettle.

Melissa:  OK, time for the dating anniversary party!!  I didn’t know one could thrown an anniversary party for dating someone.  But of course we know… it’s Bravo so there needs to be the big event on which to end the season.  Looks like it’s LuAnn’s turn this year.  Oh my… this duet is just… um… I really find myself speechless.  How does one actually have the balls to feel like they can actually perform a duet with Natalie??

Bottom Line:

Melissa: The Reunion!!  You know I loves me a good Reunion, and the previews look like my prayers may be answered!

Rachel:  We survived!  Now its the Reunion and then we wait for the Bev Hills second season.  I imagine my Chronic Housewives Fatigue Syndrome will have gone into remission by then.

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