One Sentence Summary: The Housewives do their best to ruin Paris for the rest of us.
Listen to what I say, not how I say it.
Rachel: Just when I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my annoyance with this season, the Housewives decide to go to Paris and ruin what is a sacred place for the Winey Bitches. I mean couldn’t they leave us alone with our pain from having had to listen to these women fight over the same subject for what… 9 weeks now? NINE! Look, if I’m going to watch 9-plus weeks of something, it’s going to be a very hot Mickey Rourke feeding a blindfolded Kim Basinger back when both of them were sane and had their original faces. That’s 9 1/2 Weeks of fun. This is nine weeks of my needing to self-medicate before I can even turn on the DVR. Hence my being 5 days behind. And now they take this BS to Paris? The Winey Bitches’ favorite city in the world? It’s an entire city whose existence is based on cheese, wine, chocolate and beautiful things. What’s not to love? And what do the producers at Bravo do? They send a group of women who cannot behave in public to ruin it for the rest of us. Oh, I guess Yolanda has managed to mind her public manners thus far. So, the group minus Yolanda. Let’s see if I have a Bordeaux in my wine cabinet for this episode. So what if it’s morning here? It’s clearly the dinner hour in Paris… Viva La France!
Oh, so now it’s ok to call people out!
Are we starting off with Kim’s crazy? Oh no, she’s going to visit Kyle. Oh wait, it’s Kim. So it’s always crazy. And yes, here we go. Kim is so excited about the fact that Kyle has turtle shells hanging on her wall that you’d think they were sprinkling pixie dust around the room. Well, I guess if you’re on pixie dust (allegedly), they might be that exciting. I’m a little less enthused about turtles as decor, but I’m going to assume they’re not real shells. But Kim’s really there to talk about Taylor’s crazy behavior. Guess it takes one to know one? Kim thinks she has a drinking problem and thinks they need to confront it. Kyle says she’s scared to say anything after the warm & loving reception she received from her sister when she was confronted… and after she was confronted… and after she got help. For once, I can’t actually blame Kyle for feeling the way she feels. Well, Kim’s going either way and she’d like Kyle to come. With that, Kyle’s in and Taylor is home so here we go for this season’s intervention. Again, A&E talk to Bravo about doing a crossover show. So much material. You can even throw in some Dr. Drew and now we have a three-way with VH1. Sexy.
Fly Me To St. Tropez
Pay attention, Giggy. If I have to sit through this, so do you.
I love that Ken is feeding the swans at his home. Who has swans just swimming around a pond at their home? Right, they do. Anyway, Lisa would like Ken to come help her pack for their trip to St. Tropez. That’s where Warren, Ken’s son from his first marriage, lives with his wife Susan, one of Lisa’s friends who is much older than Warren. Oh how scandalously Cougar Town. Love it.
Up in the closet that we have to see a panoramic view of during every episode, Lisa gives Ken a fashion show. This is annoying for Ken who would like tea. But he doesn’t get tea because Maria, who works for Lisa, brings up only one cup. Oh, rich white people problems. Seriously. I can’t wait until enough people are reading this blog that I can hire someone to bring me my wine in bed. Yes, someone young and smokin’ hot who can bring me my wine with this six-pack abs. We must only need like 5 more readers for that… sigh…
I’m An Alcoholic, You’re An Alcoholic, Wouldn’t You Like To Be Alcoholic Too?
The look you get right before Taylor goes “Oklahoma” on your ass.
Kim & Kyle roll by Taylor’s to ambush her about her drinking as she’s coming back from her accountant’s office. They ask Taylor about the incident with Kennedy. Taylor says it was a hand-off issue. Just a mix-up. OK, you didn’t know where your kid was. That’s not just a mix-up. But Kim doesn’t have time to pussyfoot around so she just flat out tells Taylor she has a drinking problem. Roll montage of Taylor drinking. Seriously, while I do think Taylor is drinking too much as a way to cope, you could run that montage of any of these women. That being said, she might need to spend some more time with her shrink friend from last season. Taylor is taken aback because this was just a miscommunication. But it’s been a shit year for her and she knows a few drinks will help her forget. Kim says she understands and knows how easy alcohol is, but when you get to a place where you’re embarrassing yourself & your kids, it’s time to face the problem. Taylor actually hears them and agrees to pull back on the drinking. That’s good. I’m sincerely happy she took that well. Let’s just hope she does it.
Now, let’s talk about Kim… Does anyone else notice how sometimes she totally slurs and sometimes she’s totally lucid? I’m not saying she’s necessarily drinking again, but it sure sounds like there might be some muscle relaxers involved. Allegedly. It just seems strange how her speech patterns change so drastically if there is no substance being used… But seeing as how the previews are all about her being cray in Paris, I guess we’re about to find out. Or maybe in 9 weeks from now, we’ll find out.
A Little Housewarming
No, he loves to be treated this way. It’s part of why he loves me so so much.
Yolanda finishes decorating Mohammed’s house… Hmm… house seems quite the understatement. It’s insane. Yolanda is having a house-warming to show the girls her work. And to give her a storyline. Nice to have an ex whose house you can use for parties. Oh look, more swans. I guess swans are the symbol of knowing you’ve truly made it.
Lisa is first to arrive and tells Yolanda she is going to St. Tropez. Yolanda is going to be in Paris the same time and suggests that they meet up during Lisa’s layover. And the Paris trip is born. I’d be fine with these two lovely ladies going. Why can’t we just keep it at that? Man, that Jennifer is getting some serious airtime this season being Brandi’s sidekick. If she gets a trip to Paris out of it, I’m going to have to start thinking about friending one of these women. I choose Lisa. Adrienne, on the other hand, its getting a lot less airtime since she refuses to attend any of the parties other than Kyle’s. She texted Yolanda this morning that she was bailing. Not surprised.
And here we have Marisa, yet again, belittling her husband in public. I seriously want to shake him so he wakes up & sees how awful she treats him. I hope that, in private, she is much kinder and supportive because this shit is terrible. How many people need to hear that her husband is so in love with her? Tonight it’s Yolanda, David Foster, Jennifer & Brandi. He’s so in love with her that he lets her tell him how much she’d like to have sex with other hot men. Pause… no one is laughing. Hmmm… not even a smirk. Gee, is it sinking in yet, Marisa, that you don’t disrespect your spouse like that? Apparently not if we’re judging by her really loud laughter. Holy uncomfortable moment. Moving on…
Kyle & Mauricio show up and it turns out that they too are going to Paris the same time as Lisa & Yolanda. Really? All three of you happen to be going to Paris at the same time? Is this where I suspend reality and pretend that yes this is just happening naturally? It is? OK… continue. So, now they might as well invite all the girls and make a party out of it. Brandi is in. Taylor, however, is not going to go to Paris. She’s going to stay home & take care of herself… and Kennedy. Marisa is in too.
And speaking of taking care of Taylor, Yolanda is about to do the same. She wants to know why the girls tell her that Taylor has an issue with her. Taylor plays dumb. She has no idea what she’s talking about. But in her interview, Taylor tells us her issue is with David over a past relationship he had with her friend, Linda. Well, that makes it totally ok for you then to show up at his home and disrespect him and say shit about Yolanda for no reason. What a load of crap. Yolanda tells Kyle about the conversation and they agree that it’s because David’s ex is still in love with him. Oh petty high school games. Are you really still playing that nonsense Taylor?
Le Cougar Ville
Welcome to the home I’ve made with your son who is much younger than me like Lisa is much younger than you.
Lisa, Ken and Giggy arrive at Warren’s manse. Seriously, how do I find myself a man to marry in St. Tropez? I’m seriously doing this dating thing all wrong. I gotta go cougar me a man with a home in France.
Warren’s son is graduating from high school this week… Wait, this guy has a kid in high school that’s Ken’s grandson? Let me do some math on this… Yeah, that’s right. I guess I just don’t think of Ken being a man in his late 60′s even though he clearly is. So there’s that. But they’re just one big happy family. Cheers!
Ugh, I’m seriously writing with jealousy at life in France. I know it’s not all sunshine and apertifs, but it has to be really really close. It’s my dream and it’s making me want to take my last $5 and run away to Paris right now. Well, maybe I’ll wait until spring when it’s warmer. I imagine being homeless is much more tolerant when it’s not snowing. They must have French reality TV, non?
Ken would like Warren to live in LA, but it isn’t something that interests him. Lisa would like them to at least come and visit. She feels close to Warren since they’re only 5 years apart in age. Well, if Lisa is 16 years younger than Ken and there’s 5 years between she & Warren, then Ken was 21 when he had him. They couldn’t figure that out earlier so I’m here with the basic math skills required to help them out. It’s their last night in St Tropez, to which Sue replies, “Thank God.” Granted, I get that she’s joking and the editors are having their way with the video, but she certainly isn’t creating a sense of warmth with her “in-laws”… or this viewer.
Ooh La La, Paris
See, I’m blowing on it. So it must be coffee in my cup.
Whoa, Yolanda is flying commercial! I guess she’s willing to slum it for Brandi. Good friend. And look, Kim is going to make a flight! And she has her driver’s license and passport! It’s a crazy day at the ol’ LAX. Kyle asks what tricks Kim had up her sleeve when she was drinking and she said she used to put wine in her coffee cup. Wait, that’s wrong?
Kyle gets a call from Marisa who is in tears. Her father-in-law passed away as they were on their way to the airport. Oh, that’s so sad. Kyle says this puts into perspective how precious life is and what a waste all their fighting is. Yeah yeah… I’ll buy your song and dance for about as long as it takes for the plane to land in Paris.
They arrive at their hotel and it’s Bastille day. The gang gathers in Brandi’s room to watch the fireworks… everyone except Kim. She actually answers her phone when Kyle calls and says she’s on her way. When she does arrive, her behavior is, shall we say, curious. Lisa is worried because Kim doesn’t seem lucid. This is what I’ve been saying, people. Allegedly.
Rachel: So Lisa & Kyle get into a fight at the Eiffel Tower next week. The Eiffel freaking Tower. Really, ladies? You’re killing me here.