One Sentence Summary - The women are back to do a proper reunion show and defend their bad behavior.
Rachel: Well, it seems the holidays and work has left these Winey Bitches super behind in our duties. So terribly sorry. We’re dividing and conquering and trying to catch up a quickly as possible. So, tonight I am covering the BRT Reunion Specials all at once. I may have to be medicated with something stronger than wine by the end of this.
Let’s see… So when we left the ladies, there were two engagements, one police report, one polygraph test and a lot of shouting going on. Think anything’s been resolved since the swimwear party? Me either. Shall we find out for sure?
Um, Vivica A Fox, you’re too pretty for all those fillers. Back off the needle before you look like one of the ladies you’re interviewing. Seriously, you’re one of the prettiest women in Hollywood, but your face is being swallowed by your cheeks. Anywho, the gang’s all here… except for Leslie, who feels safer participating via video feed. That’s genius. How awesome would it be if she were actually in the next room? But it’s clear that none of the women there are missing her, so we go on with Leslie in the role of Max Headroom. Look it up, kiddies.
We start by revisiting the demise of Bonnie & Leslie’s friendship. Leslie did an interview with Radar Online where she says that she is the only lady that has never lied & always takes the high road in arguments. Really? I am pretty sure that was champagne flying out of your glass into Melissa’s face. We’re waiting to find out from Leslie what the other ladies have lied about but we don’t make it past her saying that Bonnie’s accusation that the police report was false is a lie before there’s more screaming from the group & Vivica has to change the subject. Lord, it’s going to be a long loud night.
Up next, Kalyn & Whitney. Whitney says she picks on Kalyn because they’re both trying to be top boss. Kalyn says they’re just competing with each other like all women do. Um, what women? I know women are competitive but I don’t know any women who behave like that… and I lived in LA for 15 years. Grow up, ladies.
Leslie thinks it’s terrible that Whitney picks on someone younger than her. Bonnie thinks Kalyn is brainwashed by Leslie. I think there’s not enough wine in the world to make this bearable. And now Kalyn is crying because she has no other mother figure in her life so she has to stand by Leslie no matter what anyone else says. Melissa comes to her defense and says that Kalyn has clearly matured over the last year and is sitting there a poised young lady. Applause all around including Whitney who feels for Kalyn. Now they both claim they’re going to act like adults… Wish their mother’s would take note. They even hug it out. Well, will wonders never cease?
Next on the docket, Whitney & The Boogs. Now, Bonnie is crying because her baby’s all grows’d up and she can’t cut the apron strings. Lord Bonnie, get some therapy. Your daughter is 25. But she feels like Booger is taking her baby away from her. Oh and the tattoos are a problem. Yeah, I’m pretty sure she had beaucoup tats before the arrival of Boogs. Whitney just wants to pay her own way because not paying bills makes her irresponsible. Well, um Whit, you can just transfer bills over to your name if you feel that passionate about it. Not that hard. And how is that a bad thing, Bonnie? Let the girl go. You have Jason to boss around.
It’s Cindy’s turn and it seems she was warned about all the women by Pam. Aw Pam… I promise I won’t go on a tangent again. I’ll just leave it at “aw”…. but I do wish Pam would come back. Leslie was drawn to Cindy right away and Cindy liked Leslie right off the bat too. Not so much anymore. Though it seems like even if she did still like Leslie, the other ladies aren’t going to allow it. But let’s not focus on that. Let’s talk about boozing and Cindy. She says doesn’t have a problem, and Alex has no problem with it. Well, then you must no have a problem… but I’m thinking you might have a teensy weensy problem. Now that we’ve established she doesn’t have a drinking problem, let’s discuss her parenting problem. Cha Cha still thinks Cindy should show up to every one of her daughter’s events since she doesn’t have a job. Personally, I don’t think Cha Cha is any position to be giving a lecture on parenting. Right, Slappy?
There was some talk about Bonnie’s penchant for glitter & costumes, but I don’t really care so we’re moving right on to Cindy hitting on Tyler & the subsequent (and now infamous) police report. Sorry, incident report… because that makes it better… and different. Have they never seen this footage? Why do they all look so surprised by Cindy hitting on Tyler? After the tape, Maddie says that she has heard Tyler call Whitney a bitch with her own ears. Leslie calls the 16-year-old Maddie a liar. Classy, Leslie. Melissa says it’s on tape so maybe think twice before calling her daughter a liar. Leslie then says that she didn’t call Maddie a
liar, she doesn’t know if Maddie heard that. Uh, do you even hear the words that come out of your mouth when you say them? It’s like the rotating voices in your head aren’t talking to each other. But the bottom line here is that, while Jason was totally out of line with his threats, he didn’t actually harm anyone. Cindy hasn’t spoken to Leslie since the show ended because Jason was just sticking up for her. Well, not really. Jason was using your moment to bawl Tyler out about Whitney. But Leslie thinks that it was all done because Jason wanted TV time. And there it is. The line. And if that wasn’t enough, Leslie says that Whitney told Tyler that she wouldn’t care if Jason was dead. With that, Bonnie is on her feet and ready to go find Leslie for a brawl. Yes, all 5’2″ of her is marching off to find Leslie in the next room… I told you she was probably there. But Vivica reels her back in, and the drama continues. I was about to say I don’t give a shit so let’s move on, but it seems we can’t because Jason is actually here. Tyler, on the other hand, declined to show.
Oh lookie, Jason combed his hair… and put a lot of grease in it. Jason maintains that he was defending women. Yeah well this woman is calling shenanigans. Can we please just all agree that you were defending Whitney & stop this nonsensical conversation already? Leslie says that there’s a lot of screaming in their
household… I am not sure what the hell that is supposed to defend, but Jason uses it to say that yes, there is screaming because there are consequences for your actions in his home. Nice. Jason says he apologized to Leslie. Oh really? What say you, Leslie? She acknowledges that he sent an email but it was too late because she had already filed a police report. Bonnie says that it actually was the night before the police report. But none of that matters since she ignored it anyway. She’s so crazy. She seriously contradicts herself in the same sentence and acts like it makes sense. Vivica tries one more time to get her to come to the show, but she maintains that she’s scared for her safety. Anyone who wants to spend their life playing the victim should watch reruns of this show. Leslie might be the greatest victim of all time.
Now we’re hearing from Alex that Leslie told her that she’s glad that she & her mom are such good friends because she’s the star of the show. Granted, this is supposed to be a story about Tyler hitting on a 15-year-old, so I’m confused how that statement condemns Tyler for texting Alex. These people make no sense. They just talk in circles. But Leslie denies this and now Alex is lying. I’m sensing a theme here. Someone recounts a Leslie story and then Leslie calls them a liar.
Honestly, the only interesting thing thus far is how maturely Kalyn is handling all of this. People are losing it on her godmother and she hasn’t uttered a peep. She says that they’re all entitled to their opinion and she just needs to sit there and behave. I like this new Kalyn. She looks great too. She can stick around. Maybe the rest of them can learn a lesson or two.
Vivica asks Jason to apologize to Tyler. He does. And I’m seriously so over this entire storyline. Can we move on for the love of all that is holy? Oh I guess so since Part 1 is over. Halfway through…
The wine wasn’t working so I just made myself some Yogi Tea that is supposed to help calm my nerves. You know things are bad when I’m giving up wine and relying on tea to give me strength… I just hope we can move on from an hour of people screaming and calling each other liars. Doubtful, but here we go. Let’s get this over with.
We finally get to confront Cha Cha’s parenting and her wanting to give her teenage daughter Botox. I’m still sickened by that whole scene. Whitney thinks 13 is too young, but not 15. Genius heard from. Bonnie thinks 30 is a good age. And if Bonnie is telling you to lay off plastic surgery, you might want to listen. Cindy thinks kids should stay kids as long as possible. Amen. Cindy, we finally agree on something.
Now, the slapping shall be addressed. Cha Cha says what we don’t see if how Shay speaks to her. Uh, so that means you should slap her across the face? In the words of one Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?” Seems she doesn’t really get the message you’re trying to send. So Shay says that she gets mouthy so she doesn’t hit her mom. Again, how’s that slapping working for you, Cha Cha? Your daughter is trying not to hit you! But the good news here is that Cha Cha actually did get the message that there are other ways to “deal with” Shay. It makes me cringe a little bit that she uses the term “deal with” when referring to her daughter over & over. But hey, if she has seen the error of her ways, I’m all for it.
Wait, are we going to back to Leslie already? No, please, no! I’m begging you.
But here we are revisiting rehab and the polygraph. That’s an awesome name for a band, Rehab and The Polygraphs. So are we going to keep talking about the damn polygraph or are we actually going to hear the results. Oh, I guess we do have it, but Bonnie says that she could have made it up and that pathological liars believe what they’re saying. She has a point there. But Leslie passed the test so Connie is the liar here. Well, so says Leslie. Now they’re all screaming about drug tests because druggies can pass polygraph tests. But Vivica is offering to give them all polygraphs. Leslie says no. So Connie says no. Does anyone else think Connie might actually be the liar here? My gut is saying so… and that is all the polygraph I need.
Seems like Cindy might have some suspicions too. Her friend’s husband is a police officer and he says they’re easy to pass. Really? But while she doesn’t think Connie lied, she’s confused. And with that, Leslie is done. As she says goodbye, Bonnie puts her fingers in her ears and starts doing the three-year-old “na na na na na I can’t hear you” routine. It’s like these women escaped from the asylum and raided a Caché on their way to the reunion. BTW, Leslie was so totally in the same building.
Now that Leslie is gone, the set is much calmer and we can talk about Kalyn’s
issues with her biological parents. We watch Kalyn tell her mom that, because of how she treated her, she sometimes wished she were dead and reconnect with her dad. There isn’t a dry eye in the house. The good news is that Kalyn & her father are still in touch and rebuilding their relationship. That is nice.
We discuss New Orleans and Bonnie’s issue with the sex toys. She blames it on her conservative Catholic upbringing. Yes, clearly you are following all those rules as you sit there in your skin tight dress with your boobs on display and threatening to kick Leslie’s ass. Definitely conservative… Oh sorry, it’s only in the bedroom. No wonder Jason has all that pent-up rage. And Whitney has issues with the sex toy talk too… even though she has the c-word on her foot and is now saying it like it’s no big deal. I mean I really can’t do much more than sit here and shake my head at the level of nonsense happening in front of me.
OMG! We’re back to the effing police report! Seriously about to hit the FF button. I don’t give a shit about this subject anymore. But let’s read this police report out loud so maybe we can argue about it some more. Now it’s because Leslie wanted the story in TMZ so her publicist said the only way that would happen is with a police report. Are we really still talking about this. They should use this reunion as an instrument of tortue. I have a feeling people would crumble like cheap lawn chairs. I’m ready to confess to crimes I didn’t commit just to make it stop.
Time for the men… Jason, Booger and Paul (aka Humbert Humbert). Kalyn is asked about getting married at 19. She says love is love. Cha Cha says she’s too young and hasn’t lived on her own yet. Paul says she’s been living on her own since she was 16. Um, pretty sure she’s been living with Leslie. But it’s ok because Kalyn doesn’t act 19. This dude is creepers. He says Kalyn’s lived her life already so she’s ready to get married. SHE’S 19!!! She’s lived none of her life already. Sick pig. Sorry, I think he’s so gross.
Let’s move on to Boogs who, I have to say, has grown on me this season. Vivica wants to know if Jason is still “sipping on the Haterade”. He says it was the manner; not the man. He thinks they should wait even though he was engaged at 18 after 6 months of dating. Jason tries to play like he’s cool with it but then says he’s not paying for her wedding unless she waits a year because it has to be on his terms. Seriously, this dude just needs to control something, but I’m thinking this isn’t it. Let them be, dude. Booger apologizes for asking Whitney to marry him without Jason’s blessing but he actually did ask and nothing is going to get in the way of him marrying the girl of his dreams. Seriously Jason, stop drinking the Haterade. I guess that term is back in fashion now? But Jason won’t give his blessing and I think we can all agree that, at this point, he’s just holding out to prove a point and not relent. Jackass.
And that’s that. I want those two hours of my life back. Now.