One Sentence Summary: News about the Nassif-Maloof split hits the streets and there are some pretty strong opinions about who’s responsible.
Giggy pours himself a stiff drink so he can dull the pain of constantly being dressed in these outfits.
Rachel: I watched the live premiere of Dancing With The Stars so I could Tweet with everyone about the show. (Join the fun next week!) And as I was on Twitter, I watched some of the RHOBH commentary scrolling by on my feed. I have to admit that I was surprised at how many people were talking about how they were shocked when they heard that Paul & Adrienne had split. Say what? Have you not been watching the show? These two have been bickering since Day 1. And yes, I do understand that some relationships just work that way. I’m single, not stupid. However, there had to come a time when Paul had enough of Adrienne criticizing him for every single thing. And if this is how she spoke to him in public, imagine how it went down when the cameras were off and Bernie was tucked away in bed. There’s really only so much any one person can take. Add in this new holier-than-thou Adrienne that we’ve seen the last season and a half and it was only a matter of time. Not to mention that we heard rumors of their marriage being on the rocks two years ago (link to story) from a reliable source. So, not sure why come there is shock. Sadness, I’ll grant you. Shock… Well, you just haven’t been paying attention.
Rub Me The Right Way
Looks like a great day for a massage.
Rachel: Seriously, in my next life I’d like to come back as Giggy. That dog has a better life than 99% of the world’s population… and has a bigger wardrobe.
Anyway, while Lisa waits for Brandi to arrive at her home for their massages, Ken wants her opinion about whether he should wear pink or blue for their vow renewal. Is that a real question? It’s Lisa. The answer is pink. Duh. But all this vow renwal talk is making her nervous and she calls Pandora to talk about this public proclamation of love. She’s not as enthused as Ken is, but she’s resigned herself to do it because she really should tell him how much she truly loves him. First though, she wants some scoop from her daughter about what Ken has planned, but Pandora has been sworn to secrecy. So, no spying for her. Giggy isn’t giving up the goods either. He has more pressing issues at the moment… like peeing his pants. This is probably a good reason to not actually put pants on a dog in the first place. Just sayin…
Brandi arrives for her massage and her body really just makes me angry. I could eat nothing but broccoli while I ran 75 miles a day on a treadmill while wearing 50 lb ankle weights and never look like that. So, that’s why I don’t bother and eat a half a bag of the Lays Sriracha potato chips for lunch instead. We all have choices in life and I choose genetically engineered potatoes fried in artery clogging oil.
The girls are getting massages whilst overlooking the insane view at Lisa’s instead of going to a party at Adrienne’s. They say that as if they’re even invited. Ah, Brandi says she wasn’t invited and Lisa didn’t want to go. They’re both sick of the never-ending product parties. The girls think that Adrienne’s problem is that she isn’t happy. And that she’s in a marriage that is more like a business arrangement. Ya think? Yeah, that might have something to do with it.
Red, The Color of Love… And Anger
So, when the bullshit level gets to about here, send out dessert.
Adrienne is throwing a very red party at her home with half naked servers clad in nothing more than spray paint and flowers to launch her new vodka, Zing. It’s red velvet vodka and just the thought makes me want to puke. Look, no one likes a red velvet cake more than me, but I don’t want it in my vodka. Sorry, but all these uber-sweet vodkas need to go. Have you had the whipped cream one? I took one sip and sent my drink back. Naaaaasty.
And speaking of nasty, Adrienne has arrived in the kitchen. She catches Paul asking Bernie questions and decides his time would be better served serving. She’s annoyed with Paul because… well, because everything Paul does annoys her. She’d like him to put out plates. He wants to know why they need to put out plates. Because they do. He doesn’t think so. Just do it, Paul. Save yourself – and us -the heartache.
Slap & Tickle
Anything I can do to help relieve your tension?
Ken arrives home just in time to catch the girls getting massages… and sneak a peak at some side boob. He brought his friend Martin along for some jollies. Martin thinks it would be funny to replace Brandi’s regular masseuse with himself. He gets a few ass pinches in before she realizes what’s going on. Tip o’ the hat, Martin. Way to be a dirty old man and get away with it. Smooth.
Mean Girls, The Menopause Years
This would be a good time to STFU.
So apparently everyone was told to wear black to the red party. And by the way, I love that naked breasts glide right past the censors as long as they’re painted red. Duly noted.
While the girls do shots of vodka outside, Paul gets his own spray paint inside. This should go over well. Back outside, Marisa is shares a text that Brandi sent her about how to save her marriage. She’s incredulous at this because she has a great marriage. Yes, we all know how much your husband worships you. Lucky guy. Brandi has suggested to her that they give each other a hall pass. Of course the girls are all appalled. Let the chatter begin! Brandi shouldn’t be talking about saving marriages… so says Adrienne. No commentary needed there. They think it’s a terrible idea. Yeah, it’s definitely not a great idea, but it’s Brandi. Take with a grain of salt. The girl didn’t mean it maliciously. It’s just who she is.
And just as I’m about to yell this at the TV, my girl Yolanda steps in and takes care of business like she does. She tells Marisa that perhaps she should speak with Brandi about what she means instead of asking all of them. Can I get an “amen” from the congregation!?!? This doesn’t stop the clucking. Now, Brandi flirts with married men. Kyle, however, thinks that after what happened with Eddie, Brandi would never be with someone’s husband. Faye, who clearly is trying to seal a spot on the show by being the antagonist, chastises Kyle for saying anything nice about Brandi. And lest the conversation turn complementary toward her, Faye thinks it would be appropriate to share a rumor she heard about Brandi being naked in a bathroom at Kyle’s White Party. No one actually saw this but hey let’s put it out into the world for everyone to hear. Kyle says she didn’t see it, but Faye insists it happened because two people saw it in a room with no drapes. I’m calling BS. Yolanda is too. But Adrienne is drinking this up like a vampire in a blood bank. She says Brandi throws everyone under the bus including Yolanda. Yolanda wants to know exactly what she means. Adrienne hems & haws because she has no point to make. Yolanda suggests that everyone say what they need to say to the person with whom they have an issue. Wouldn’t that be a miracle? Though can we make this rule for everyone but Faye? She just needs to STFU all-together.
Kyle & Yolanda walk away and the Witches of Bel-Air keep going. Now, Camille tells Adrienne about Brandi saying she only owns 2% of the Palms… which by the by is TRUE!!! So why you gotta bring it up? Please, Camille, go away. You retired from the show. Go play shuffleboard somewhere.
Stop being an attention whore, Paul. That’s my job.
Finally, we move on from this to more of Adrienne insulting Paul. He is ready to make his debut as a tree nymph to his wife’s surprise. She spots him and makes sure he knows he’s not one of the pretty people up there in the tree. She makes sure we know that he does this because he has to be the center of attention and have his ego fed. Um, this is actually pretty damn funny. Give the guy a break. She would just like him to get out of the tree. Cranky snatch.
Who wouldn’t want to be greeted like this?
Lisa’s housewarming/vow renewal is today… the same day Adrienne & Paul announce their separation. She’s shocked and feels sorrow. Again with the shock? I guess everyone just assumed they were happy in their misery. I guess people live that way. But she has to get ready for the party with her Sur servers & bartenders, natch. Who works at the actual restaurant, I want to know? These people are never actually at work.
Kevin arrives to put the final touches on the party. Lisa is panicked that nothing is going to be done on time. He is not stressed. He is also in his boxer briefs standing in the wading pool. I needed that visual why?
The Topic Of The Day
Brandi and her sidekick Jennifer head to the festivities. They discuss whether or not Adrienne will show up in light of the separation announcement. She’s not shocked by it. Finally. She actually thinks it’s a publicity stunt. Well… not so much. But they both think it’s sad. Wait, did she just say that she heard rumors that they had an open marriage and both had affairs? Interesting. I too heard a rumor about an affair from a pretty reliable source in LA. I shant say who that person is or what they exactly told me, because I don’t want to get sued, but if we’re putting it out there…
Kyle & Mauricio also discuss the separation in their limo on the way to Lisa’s. Kyle is so surprised because she thought the whole Brandi incident had brought them closer. I’m thinking not.
Back in the Brandi limo, it seems Yolanda let Brandi in on what went down at Adrienne’s. She’s bummed about Marisa because she thought they were friends. None of these bitches are your friend except the girl sitting next to you, Yolanda and Lisa. The rest are squawk boxes that would sell their mother’s darkest secrets for some attention. Brandi wants to give Marisa the benefit of the doubt though. Yeah, I wouldn’t.
It’s A Beautiful Day For A Wildly Inappropriate Accusation
See, what had happened was…
The guests start to arrive and we watch the parade of entrances. Seems almost everyone is wearing a long black dress on the one day Lisa chose to wear a long black dress. Methinks you might have a little pink something up in that closet of yours, though that dress you’re in now is gorgeous. Yolanda shows up in white… of course. Oh Kyle, if you wear a dress with illusion netting, it should match your skin color. And look, it’s Dee with Camille. She must be so bummed she lost her job as Housewife sidekick.
Inside the party, Brandi wants to vindicate herself from being a husband flirt and asks Mauricio if she has ever flirted with him. He says no. Lisa wants to know what this is all about. Brandi tells her about the stories being told at Adrienne’s and how not-so-coincidentally a story ran about her “sexcapades” at Kyle’s on Radar Online, the same day Adrienne announces her separation, written by the same author. Gee Adrienne, you’re not so slick. Then again, you probably don’t really care, do you? Lisa says it would not be possible for her to have snuck away for sex at Kyle’s seeing as how they were together all night.
The rest of the party chatter is all about the separation and how they all knew Paul had moved out a few times, but no one saw this coming. You’re all idiots. Then there’s the debate on whether or not Brandi was added stress on their relationship. Have I mentioned that you’re all idiots? Well would you look at this? Kim is the voice of sanity. She thinks that if you have a strong marriage, the Brandi incident would have not been enough to break you up. You work together. Preach.
One of Adrienne’s friends says that she actually spoke with Adrienne who said that the separation was because Paul’s priorities are out of whack and he always needs to be the center of attention. And there you have it. Can we leave the speculation to why there is a preist at a housewarming party? Kyle says it’s not fair to say that about Paul, without having heard his side. Richards sisters, you’re freaking me out! What’s going on with all this reasoned thinking?
Oh boy, the infamous ex Mrs. Foster rolls into the party with her homemade jam for Lisa. Whew, that’s some plastic surgery. She & Yolanda exchange pleasantries and she runs off to find Taylor. This should be good later.
Aw crap, here’s Faye. Who invited the twat? And she has a fiance? The world is cruel. I hope he’s watching this season. But we’ll get back to that after we confront Marisa about her shit talking ways.
Yolanda lets Marisa know that she outed her. Brandi says she’s hurt because she thought they were friends. Marisa tries to dig herself out of the hole by saying she saw Brandi’s point & it wasn’t a big deal. Nice try, but you can’t pull that shit with Miss Yolanda keeping it real. Face it. You’re busted. Say you’re sorry and you should have gone to Brandi first. End of story. But no, no one can effing apologize anymore. It’s actually a beautiful and graceful thing to do. Instead, Marisa just fights her point, which is bullshit. No matter what Brandi thinks of your marriage, your issue with those thoughts should have been discussed with her.
Faye sees what’s going on and decides that she needs to get involved on Marisa’s behalf. No, you want to get involved because you’re an uppity bitch trying to get some airtime for yourself. Brandi tells her this has nothing to do with her and that she can leave. Good on ya, Brandi. Faye says she’s involved in everything. Brandi tells her again to leave.
Camille & Kyle catch wind and Camille says “good”. She’s glad Faye is standing her ground. Well, I think we can all agree that Season 1 Camille is back and is the real Camille. Season 2 Camille was a PR stunt to get sympathy and have a venue to bash her ex while going through a nasty, public divorce. And for the record, I met her briefly one night long ago when she first was dating Kelsey. She was a bitch then too. Damn girl, I was totally buying your BS too.
Yolanda tries to explain to Faye that she isn’t part of this conversation. Faye says that Yolanda’s being misled by a very bad girl (Brandi) and that she doesn’t want to see her go down this road. Why does anyone even respond to Faye? I’d have walked away as soon as she opened her mouth. Yolanda, however, doesn’t like being spoken to like she’s a child and reminds Faye that she’s a 48-year-old woman who is perfectly happy on the road she’s walking. Someone push Faye off the ledge. Once again, she’s asked to leave. And her response? Oh this is amazing… She tells Brandi that no matter how many Chanels she borrows, she will never be a lady. This from the woman that spread it for Playboy and cashed in on her best friend’s murder by writing a book about it? That’s rich. As if that’s not enough, she goes on to blame Brandi for Paul & Adrienne’s separation. Oh for the love of all that is holy! PLEASE WALK AWAY FROM THE CRAZY! Why are you even giving this woman the time of day? All three ladies laugh in her face at the ridiculousness of her statement, and finally, Brandi & Yolanda walk away. Mazel tov.
Rachel: Wait, did the previews really just show Faye insulting Lisa in her own home? I hope she kicks her out of her house. I would pay cash money to see someone physically escort her off the premises and slam the door in her face. Well, I’m not sure you can really slam a glass door, but a theoretic slam would be awesome too. Seriously, if anyone at Bravo thinks making this trash bag a permanent member of this cast, they should be fired immediately. On the spot. Without severance.