Tag Archives: Kelly Cutrone

America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 19 – Episodes 10, 11 & 12 (Finale)

Posted on November 19, 2012 by | 5 Comments

One Sentence Summary:  I catch up and someone wins a modeling contract that will ultimately land them a career as a TV host on another reality show.

The final three.

Rachel:  Oh my, am I behind.  So sorry.  I’m not going to go into more explanations about traveling and such.  I’m just going to get right into it as I have a lot to cover.  And some of it better be my joy at watching Kristin go home.  And if that could be now, all the better.

Oh but I did hear an amazing interview with Kelly Cutrone on the Judith Regan Show when I was in LA that gave me an intense new respect for her.  She is no doubt tough, but there is a beating heart in that chest of hers.  No really!  Actually quite a sensitive and generous one.  She does an amazing amount of work with the homeless and was pretty much a down-to-earth cool chick.  So, a tip of the hat to Kelly.  You have a new fan.

Episode 10 – The Girl That Becomes Art For Tyra

Hey look, it’s Kristin and she thinks everyone is super annoying. Uhhh, I hate to break the news to her that she’s actually the one that’s super annoying.  Beyond super annoying.  And then

The face of an angel…

we have Laura bitching about it not being fair that Leila is back since she didn’t have to do all the work that they’ve had to do… except that she did all the work.  That’s how she got back on the show.  These girls really aren’t too smart, are they?

Today’s challenge is with Cedella Marley – yes another of Bob’s kids – and it involves modeling her swimsuits with a dolphin as your prop.  We learn that Tyra is petrified of dolphins.  How is anyone petrified of a dolphin?  Well, consider the source.

Laura tells us she is representing women who are fit and muscular.  She’s not tiny like these girls who are double zeros.  So a size 2 is showing real women?  Who knew!  Though she does get props for having a great bod and not being a stick figure.  I’m just jealous… as usual.  The girls take turns posing with a dolphin who finally has had enough & slaps Leila on her thigh as he bolts from the nonsense.  I think the dolphin should win the challenge for that.  But Leila wins the challenge & Kristin loses her shit. Of course she does. But I love watching her cry like the bitch that she is.  Yeah, I’ve lost all patience with her.

For the photo challenge, Tyra is shooting the girls as fierce warriors in Dunn Rivers Falls.  She wants the photos to be more art than fashion because the winning picture will be hanging in her salon at home. Hey, don’t be channeling Andre Leon Tally.  And thanks for letting us all know that you’re remodeling your home.  We paupers are in awe.  Anywho, Tyra enjoys shooting all the girls… except Laura.  She was disappointed she didn’t bring more and doesn’t have as many angles as the other girls.  She was surprised that Kristin didn’t complain about having a giant curtain hanging from her heard.  So are we, Tyra.

At panel, the girls get their reviews with Leila scoring a perfect 30 and Kiara close behind with a 29.  Anyone else think Rob & Nastasia are doing the dirty behind the scenes?  Or will be by the end of the season?  I sure do.  Laura & Kristin pretty much know they’re going to be in the Bottom Two having gotten mediocre reviews in panel and low challenge scores.

As the girls wait backstage for the judges to tally up their scores – isn’t the shit electronically calculated? – Kiara & Leila congratulate each other on their awesome scores and Kristin loses her shit. She says she’s being disrespected by their celebrations because they have no concern for the fact that some people are scared they may be going home.  And by some people, she means herself.  One can only hope… And honestly Kristin, it’s shocking you didn’t burst into flames at the hypocrisy of you demanding respect.  You haven’t respected a single person for a single moment this entire season.  I can’t wait for you to get sent packing tonight.

Leila wins best picture but Tyra announces that Kiara will be hanging in her salon.  Wait, thems not the rules!  Oh right, Tyra makes the rules.  But that’s neither here nor there as both Laura & Kristin get their reality check of being in the Bottom Two.  And it’s Kristin that is going home!  Finally!  Happy dance! Of course, she’s happy that she never has to see any of these girls that she hates ever again.   Honey, we feel the same way.  Trust me.

Wait there are boys on the next cycle? But boys don’t have cycles…

Episode 11 – The Girl Who Freaks Out On Horseback

Kristin’s gone! Kristin’s gone!  I don’t care about anything else!  It’s like that moment in The Wizard of Oz when everyone starts singing “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead”.  Just joy.

The girls’ challenge today involves more animals.  This time it’s horses.  Laura is

You know she’s picturing Rob… in place of the horse.

excited because back home she has acres and acres of land with horses and ponds.    Watch yourself Laura with the bragitude or you might find yourself accidentally held under water by Kiara.  Today’s guest judge is Yendi Phillips, a former Miss Jamaica and spokesperson for the Jamaica Tourist Board.  She tells the girls that

they will be doing a commercial for the Tourist Board, on horseback, with a script they write themselves.  Ha.  This ought to be comical.

Laura is first and works the horse, but mangles the script.  Leila, having just been “attacked” by a dolphin is now scared of the horse. Um, methinks “attacked” is overstating it a bit.  It’s not like they had to wrestle you back from the jaws of death.  It was an accident with a dolphin fin, not Jaws.  So simmer down there, Roy Scheider.  After a hysterical crying fit, she collects herself and get her spot in the can.  Nastasia completely blanks. Kiara f-bombs her way through her first take, but thanks to some deep breathing, she nails take 2 and wins the challenge.  She also wins more attitude from Laura who was pretty sure the win was hers.  Nope, Kira is the new face of a worldwide campaign. Way to hit the gas pedal on the final lap, Kiara.

Jez Smith is today’s photographer for a photo shoot for the Dreams Come True perfume.  And it’s another bathing suit shoot.  Laura is too sexy.  Leila has a hard time finding the joy after her nerves get the best of her.  Kiara & Nastasia get good reviews.

At panel,  the girls get their reviews and it’s mostly too something… Too sexy, too wistful, too innocent… But best photo goes to Kiara.  Laura & Nastasia are in the Bottom Two.  Nastasia going home.  Aw, I like Nastasia but we all saw that coming.  Wonder if Rob made her feel all better?  I actually think they’d make an awesome little couple.

Finale – Episode 12 – The Girl That Becomes America’s Next Top Model

I am an artiste!  I am deep!  I am cray cray.

Well, I was wondering how we made it through an entire season with hardly any Tyra cray cray.  Turns out she was saving the best for last.  We start tonight’s finale with Tyra in full supermodel form telling us about tonight’s haunted runway show in some kind of accent that combines English, Jamaican and a healthy dose of bad acting.  We also find out that the house where the show will be is “haunted” by a woman who murdered anyone whose smize rivaled her own.  Then we see “Pot Ledom” scrawled in lipstick on a mirror.  Really?  That survived the overhaul, but Nigel didn’t?  That’s the scariest part of this whole thing.

Oh sorry, the cray was only just beginning.  Now, we have Tyra announcing to the runway crowd in her Jamaican accent that this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Tonight’s show brings us all the beauty of Jamaica including the music and the dancehall crew.  Now we get Southern Tyra asking Kelly & Johnny what’s happening backstage.  The girls are getting ready and the winner tonight will fly to LA for a shoot for their Smashbox campaign with photographer Davis Factor, founder of Smashbox.  All the eliminated girls – including Kristin, ack –  are back to model, as is last season’s winner, Sophie.

As we wait for the runway show, we see the Nine West photo shoot the girls did this week.  Nine West is one of Kelly’s clients so she needs them to not f**k it up.  Seems reasonable.  Jez Smith is the photographer again and he is butting heads

Psst… don’t forget the shoes.

with Kelly within 5 minutes.  I’m understanding where Kelly is coming from, as she’s technically the client, but she could handle it a bit better.  And this interruption to Laura’s shoot brings her to tears.  Honey, have a conversation, not a tantrum.  Johnny talks her off the ledge and sends her back to the dressing room.  Leila has a hard time connecting to the fact that she’s selling shoes so she needs to pay attention to her feet.  Really Leila?  You must know better than that.  Kiara didn’t bring the energy or open eyes.  Too much smize can be a problem apparently.

Now we have the Nylon photo shoot with photographer Jimmy Fontaine & Fashion Director J. Errico.  J thinks Laura is beautiful but may be too commercial – though commercial makes money.  Laura is feeling good because she’s overcome her insecurities.  Kiara reminds us for the millionth time that she’s doing this for her family.  And Leila thinks her quirky looks are perfect for Nylon.  J agrees.

But it’s not all work as Tyra has a surprise for the girls.  Laura’s parents show up and all my Dynasty love comes bubbling to the top as John James rolls in.  And I have to say that I love how Laura’s mom can’t stop gushing at how beautiful her daughter is while hugging her.  That’s sweet.  Leila’s mom shows up next for another tearful moment. BTW, Leila’s mom is about 5 feet tall.  Too cute.  Last but not least, Kiara’s grandmother.  I must be tired because all this love is making me a little misty.

Time for the runway… and more Tyra theatrics.  Oh they even got Rob in on the

Top Models don’t need to breathe.

nonsense with a silly video to open the show.  Aw lawd, now the audience has to wear Eyes Wide Shut masks, which ought to make watching the show so much more enjoyable.  Time for the girls to fight for their mortal smizes… You can’t make this shit up.  Oh wait, someone did.  The girls are having to walk down two flights of stairs which are no problem for Laura & Kiara.  Leila, on the other hand, falls… twice.  Poor girl.  But she handles it like a champ.  No tears.  Nope the tears are Kiara’s who is hyperventilating in her second look.  My goodness with the drama.  She manages down the runway for her second time. Now, let’s see if Leila can do as well.  And she makes it.  Whew.

Awww… it’s our last panel.  Laura is first.  She won 3 challenges this season and that means she gets $30k if she wins.  Her runway gets dinged for the awkward cupping of her right hand. Kelly doesn’t think she’s a runway model, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be successful.  Rob thinks she’s more commercial than high-fashion, but that isn’t always a bad thing.  Kiara won 4 challenges so she’s banked $40k.  Bryanboy & Rob love her walk and she’s the only one that put one foot in front of the other like a “proper” runway model.  Kelly says it was a pleasure to watch her on the runway.  This is how it should be done.  Tyra says looking straight ahead & walking down the stairs is hard but it’s also Top Model ability.  Her athleticism helped her out.  Leila gets $10k if she wins.  Tyra says part of her problem on the runway is that she doesn’t move her arms which is part of what helps keep you balanced.  Kelly says she’s be fired if she had been the one that cast her.  Leila tries to explain, but Kelly doesn’t have any interest in hearing it.  You either do it or you don’t.  And she didn’t.  Tyra says her mess-ups were in her head.

Nine West campaign – Laura did well. Kelly was impressed that she handled herself well when she & Jez were fighting.  She says she was uncomfortable because she didn’t know what to do.  Rob says the photo is a bit sexy but that’s just her look.  Bryanboy likes the picture a lot.  Tyra thinks it’s stunning and she was tooching with her shoes – shoey tooching.  Stop it, Tyra.  Just stop it.  Kiara is next and Bryanboy is disappointed in her shoot.  However, the fans felt differently.  Rob says the bottom half of her doesn’t look good.  Tyra says she’s resting and that’s not what a mass ad does.  You have to pop.  Leila’s ad is the best photo for Kelly because it’s youthful and fresh.  Tyra says it’s high-fashion going on a date with commercial, the perfect message of the two.  BTW, where do they find these people whose videos they show.  Really what’s happening with that pancho?  Rob thinks it’s the best picture.  If she works on her runway, she can really clean up as a model.

The judges will now deliberate and give them a score based on their entire season.  They will then add that to their average challenge score and their average social media score.  We don’t get to hear their scores before the big announcement.  Nope we get to watch the ticker roll like every week.  Tyra tells us the first name that she’s going to call in NOT America’s Next Top Model.  Can’t you say second runner-up?  It’s so much nicer.  Leila gets that honor with a final score of 35.2.  That’s crap.  I love her.  She’s a much better model and would have rocked the runway if Tyra hadn’t fired Miss Jay.   Just sayin…

And America’s Next Top Model is…. Laura.

She beat out Kiara with a score of 41.2 to 36.6.  I don’t love her but she is gorgeous and takes amazing pictures.  I love how happy her parents are.

Bottom Line:  You know I can’t break my ANTM habit, but they need to go back and rethink all this new nonsense from the season.

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America’s Next Top Model Season 19, Episode 9 – The Girls Go To Jamaica

Posted on October 27, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Did someone let this girl get a hold of some of Jamaican’s finest?

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Another genius episode title from the peeps at ANTM.  Seriously, someone is getting paid to come up with these little gems?  I get that they’re trying to do the whole Friends thing, but it’s actually laughable.  And yes, I realize that the title of the episodes isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s just so ridiculous that I had to call it out.  It’s just one more thing that they’ve thrown into this new crazy ANTM to try and get people watching again.  Anyway, I’m not gonna waste anymore time since we are about to find out who comes back.

Lord they love to drag this shit out.  As we sit and watch each girl get eliminated one by one, down goes Destiny.  Then Darian… Yvonne, Jessie, & Brittany.  That leaves Alyssa & Leila.  The girl coming back and going to Jamaica mon is Leila.  And that’s the right decision.  She was the right choice.  And boy is Laura unhappy.  Yep, her biggest competition is back.  Time to start looking over your shoulder again.

At home, the girls pack for their big trip and Kiara is mad about Victoria throwing her under the bus.  She would never bully anyone like that… except that you did.  Laura thinks it’s Victoria that’s the bully.  She gets to be the victim with the judges.  Oh boy, these girls really are dense.  I feel bad for what Victoria is about to have to endure, but give her credit for not giving up.  I think she’s a nutter, for sure, but that doesn’t make it ok to pick on her.  But of course, that mindset is wasted on the shallow water that is Kristin, the walking talking example of beauty is only skin deep.  Uch, I can’t stand her!  Can she please get sent home!?!?

The girls arrive in Jamaica and are super excited.  Now, I’m not ragging on the wonderousness that is Jamaica, but if it were me, I’d be bummed.  Again, nothing against Jamaica, but it sure ain’t Paris or Barcelona or Rome.  I mean the whole season is about taking it up a notch and you go to Jamaica?  Alrighty then, let’s get our reggae on as I’m sure there will be some kind of dance challenge.  There always is in the foreign locale.

The girls are shuttled onto a tour bus and find 6 lovely gentlemen waiting for them.  Ok, so maybe I spoke to soon about Jamaica.  The girls are enjoying their new tour guides, but none more than Kiara.  I think she wants to make herself the meat in a Jamaican sandwich.  They arrive at Half Moon Resort and are welcomed by a big steel drum dance party.  This is where Tyra shot her first swimsuit calendar, that she produced, natch.  So that’s why the girls are staying there.

At lunch, Tyra tells the girls that most models are either smizers or toochers.  Yes, that is correct.  This is the deep meaningful lesson we’re all learning tonight.  It is only the top top models that can do both.  Just hearing that nonsense actually makes me feel like I just got dumber.  The girls, however, find this information to be invaluable.  I find it to be hilarious.  So my friends out there, are you a smizer or a toocher?  Inquiring minds what to know.  Personally, I’m a smoocher; especially after a few drinks.

But enough of the lessons, we have a challenge to get to.  Uh, we also have a technical issue as my screen just went green.  Ok, we’re back and there are some dancers getting their groove on in the street.  I missed who they are but am guessing from the challenge that they are dancehall dancers.  The girls have to create their own dancehall routine while smizing and tooching through the whole thing.  LMAO.  This ought to be genius.  They pair up in the obvious teams:  Kiara & Nastasia, Laura & Kristin, and Victoria & Lelia.  Each team has coaches, thank G-d, to help them with their moves.

Time for the dances and the Jamaican boys are there to take this hilarity all in.

I’ll see your tooch and raise you a smize.

Up first, Laura & Kristin.  I would tell you more about the dance, but I can barely see through the tears of laughter in my eyes.  Uh, suffice it to say they were not born with natural rhythm but at least Laura is scrunching up her face so we know she’s really trying hard.  Victoria & Leila don’t do much better of a job.  It’s like two scarecrows trying to dance, but they’re trying so I give them that.  Finally, Kiara & Nastasia get out on the floor and do the best job of them all.  They can tooch their booties, that’s for sure.  And when Kiara seals her dance with an accidental split (still unclear on how you accidentally end up in a split), the crowd goes wild.  And by crowd, I mean boys.

Time for the scores.  Victoria & Leila get an 8 for trying as hard as they did.  They danced like they didn’t care.  Laura & Kristin get a 7.  He he… Nastasia & Kiara did a great job but they didn’t see like they were having fun.  They get a 9 and win the challenge.  They win jewelry & money and a whole lot of stink eye from the blondes.

Back in the house, the loveliness that is Kristin & Laura are discussing their loss.  Clearly, they only lost because Kiara dances like a slut.  And they hope that the photo shoot is commercial vs high fashion so Leila can suck at it and go home.  I mean she’s only there because she takes good pictures and not because she’s a well-rounded model.  She’s just a “lucky bitch” with a gap in her teeth.  OK, can we send Kristin AND Laura home tonight?

We’re the three best friends that anybody could have.

The girls arrive to their photo shoot on the Martha Brae River to see Johnny, Rob and photographer William Richards coming down river on a raft.  Today, the models have to tell a story with a single shot.  They are on the raft with their husbands but are having an affair with their river raft guide.  The girls get to choose their male model from the group of Jamaican tour guides.  Victoria is up first and gives us her usual story about the character she’s playing.  In all fairness, Johnny did ask her for the story this time.  Laura is up next and needing a bit of direction.  Leila is getting great feedback and this is not pleasing to Laura.  Get over it already.  Seriously, she’s back and you knew someone was coming back from jump.  Let it go. Nastasia gets big props from Rob & Johnny.  Now lets just hope that Tyra doesn’t pic another eye roller.  Johnny doesn’t think Kristin is progressing enough and is surprised she’s still around.  Join the club, dude.  Kiara is last and we hear from the blondes once again about how she’s never had a good picture.  Not one.  Oh I need them to go.

Back at the house, Victoria talks to her mom and manages to not cry “oh mama” the entire time.  I would say this is progress.  Maybe our girl won’t actually crack under the pressure.  I think having someone else in the house for girls to hate on (Leila) is helping her out.

And it’s our first Jamaican panel with Tyra doing her best irie accent.  Nastasia is up first.  Kelly thinks she’s getting better and she is working over social media.  Tyra says there’s a little too much hooch in her tooch.  Rob says she killed it and gives her a 10.  She gets a 25 total.  Leila worked her body but she needed more smize.  Kelly loves the shot.  Tyra says it’s too catalogue & gives her a 6.  Score: 22.  Kiara is up next.  Kelly thinks it’s like an off-Broadway show.  Rob says there’s not a connection with the models.  She gets 19.  Victoria is greeted by Kelly before she gives her the bad news.  The bad news is bad.  She looks like an ad for a Celine Dion concert in Atlantic City.  OUCH.  Rob says it’s dead in her face and she needs to stop overthinking everything.  Score: 19.  Kristin gets called a lap dancer.  Rob says she can’t help look sexy but she still acts like she’s too cool for school.  Rob asks her to act a fool and she skips around the room.  Tyra says no no no, that’s not it and does an awesome over-the-top imitation of her famous “I’ve never yelled at a girl like this in my life” rant.  Tip of the hat, Tyra.  That was rad.  Score: 21.  Laura is called Barbie-Rapunzel but she did model the dress well.  Rob loves the shot.  And social media still loves her.  Trya thinks it’s an amazing picture.  Score 26.

Best Photo, Nastasia

Best Photo:  Nastasia (Methinks Rob is crushing on her… Lucky girl)

Safe:  Laura, Leila, Kristin

Bottom Two:  Victoria & Kiara – Victoria is going home tonight.  She’s frustrated and disappointed, but Tyra tells her that she should be proud.   I just hope she goes home and gets herself some friends.

Bottom Line: Well, I guess Kiara will get to have some more quality time with her Jamaican host.  I’m just so frustrated that Kristin is still hanging on.  Ack!

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America’s Next Top Model Season 19, Episode 8 – The Girl Who Comes Back

Posted on October 24, 2012 by | 3 Comments

Another arresting episode of ANTM.

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Somehow I missed two Fridays being in Paris but only one episode of ANTM.  That’s so sweet of Tyra to skip a week for me so that I wouldn’t be too far behind.  Granted, I’m still playing catch-up and battling jet lag, but I won’t complain.  That would be tacky.  Anyone who complains about the after-effects of a fabulous vacation deserves a little bit of a bitch slap.  I’m sure Kristin would agree with me.  I’m just sayin… Speaking of which, I feel like my foggy memory remembers something about her losing her shit this week, no?  Was that really in the previews or am I just wishful thinking?  Well, only one way to find out…

Laura is trying to recover from the shock of free-falling from best picture to bottom two.  She just has to suck it up and make her parents proud.  Brittany also is looking to make family proud after she gets a letter of support from her little sister.  Good lord, I hope that no mail came for Victoria from her mom or we’re in for a serious breakdown.  So far so good.  In the meantime, the girls discuss which of the eliminated models will be coming back.  Using my powers of deduction and putting this scene together with the fact that this episode is called “The Girl That Comes Back”, I’m going to guess that the eliminated girl is going to come back tonight.  Yeah, I know.  I missed my calling to be a private detective.  But hey, look who benefits from that… you.  Consider it my gift to you.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, they think it’s either Alyssa or Leila.  My vote is for Leila.

Oh, there she is!  Our resident nutter, Victoria, makes an appearance at the dinner table.  Now, will she actually eat anything?  Oh look, she is eating!  As Brittany tries to explain their concern and Victoria tries to play it off as stress, Kristin full-on calls her unstable.  Ha ha!  I knew it was coming!  Yeah, Victoria doesn’t take to kindly to that.  You know, I don’t know why the girls think attacking her as a group is going to be helpful at all.  And when she asks them to stop because she can’t handle the mob mentality, Kristin strikes again.  See, told you that you couldn’t handle it.  Beatch.  Kiara is next to bring the criticism and make sure to praise herself for wanting to help Victoria.  And Brittany asks if what she has is contagious.  Are these girls complete and utter morons.  I feel badly for Victoria.  Yeah, she’s a bit of a banana, but none of it is malicious.  So I’m not sure how any of this is helpful… Oh right, they’re not actually thinking about Victoria’s well-being.   Got it.

And it’s time for this week’s “Bang For Your Buck” challenge.  Victoria thinks it has to do with guns.  Uh no, it’s go-sees.  Good guess though.  The girls will visit 5 designers:  Guess, Whitney Port, Cecilia Cassini, I Heart Ronson & Lulu Guinness.  Each designer can only book one girl but the girls can book more than one job.  The winner is the girl that books the most jobs.  Please don’t let it be Kristin.  I have to say, I’m secretly rooting for Victoria now.  And by secret, I mean out loud.  The girls have to go in pairs – Brittany & Kristin, Laura & Nastasia and Victoria & Kiara.  Oy vey.  That won’t go well.  And it doesn’t.  Victoria feels like Kiara is steamrolling her so she tries to steamroll back and comes off looking like a bit of an overeager beaver.  And no, that’s not a good thing… unless you’re in a lesbian bar.  Bam!  Yeah, I went there.  Sorry.  {{{ hangs head in shame }}}  Wait wait wait… this Cecilia designer is 13?  And she actually designs the clothes?  It’s not a Milli Vanilli operation?  Damn do I feel like an underachiever right about now.  And I’m not even going to comment about

Aw Lawd, how long do I have to stand here watching her cry?

Brittany thinking she doesn’t have to pay for parking because the sign says “1 hr parking”.  Does she live in an amish town where there are no parking meters?

So begins the rush for the girls to get back to Bigbox studios before time runs out.  We all know what happens when time runs out.  This means Laura & Nastasia won’t make it to Guess.  Guess is Laura’s absolute favorite and not making it brings her to tears.  I’m over here rolling my eyes so hard I almost fell of my bed.  Oh yeah, I’m full-on horizontal in bed watching & typing.  Nothing’s too lazy for me.  But since this is her only shot at making an appearance at Guess, she’s going anyhow.  This is with 14 minutes left.  And yet, they manage to get back to Bigbox with seconds to spare.  So either Guess is next door or they have a magic time machine.

Time for the results – Kristin is beautiful but a little uptight & stiff.  Ha.  Brittany has great energy but her modeling skills are not as strong as they could be.  Laura was loved by all but her walk is a bit stiff.  Nastasia loved her photographs but not so much in person.  Kiara’s personality was loved universally but her walk needs to evolve.  And Victoria has good manners but isn’t girl-next-door enough.  But hey, everyone loves a model with good manners!

And the bookings:

  • Cecilia Cassini – Kiara
  • Lulu Guinness – Nastasia
  • I Heart Ronson – Kristin
  • Whitney Port – Laura
  • Guess – Laura

So, not only does Laura book her beloved Guess, she also wins the challenge.  Guess the gamble paid off.  Gotta get myself one of those time machines.  That also means Brittany & Victoria booked no jobs.  Now it’s tears time again from Brittany and Bitter Betty time from Victoria who has no interest in listening to the girls yak over dinner.  Ack, it’s P’Trique again.  He has to be the first to go next season.

The girls get home and their social media scores are waiting for them from the challenge.  Interestingly, it’s Brittany, Kristin & Nastasia bringing up the rear.  Victoria is only .2 points away from being tied with top scorers Kiara & Laura.  Hmm… that won’t make a certain blonde happy.  However, it makes me giggly.  Oh wait, it’s actually Laura that’s now in Kristin’s crosshairs.  How quickly the friendships dissolve…

Time for the photo shoot, which is happening in a prison.  They are put through the booking process, which is hilarious.  Oh sorry, this is serious.  College kids are arrested every year for crimes including shoplifting, DUIs, drugs and assaults.  But let’s not give that more than a moment’s thought.  We have a glamorous mug shot to shoot with photographer Mark “The Cobra Snake” Hunter.  That’s quite the outfit Cobra Snake.

But let’s shoot some photos… Well, first let’s hear about Kiara’s arrest for shoplifting when she was 18.  OK, now let’s shoot some photos.  Was I supposed to be more sympathetic?  Probably, but I’m too tired right now and Victoria is doing one of her personalities, which cracks me up on a weekly basis.  Laura has a great shoot, Kristin loses her eyes and Brittany needs more edge.  Nastasia brings some long legs which makes Johnny happy.  Kiara is holding back until Johnny pushes her and she lets loose with a stream of curse words.  Nice.

Panel time!  OK, did the models decide to dress alike each week?  What’s up with that?  Anyway, Kristin’s up first – The panel loves the shot and Rob thinks it’s the most high-fashion of all her shots.  Tyra needs more H to T.  Social media is digging her too.  Score: 24.  Nastasia – The eyes are rolling on this shot and Tyra’s the only one liking it.  Bryanboy says people aren’t responding well.  Score: 22.  Victoria – Kelly thinks it’s acting not modeling.  Tyra likes that she went out of the box but she needs more eye spark.  The fans aren’t happy either.  Victoria blames it on the personal attacks at home.  Kelly bawls out the other girls for not focusing on themselves and recognizing that Victoria comes from home-schooling.  Go Kelly Go!  Score: 21.  Kiara – Kelly says she looks old.  Rob says it demands attention.  Bryanboy loves her but social media still does not.  Score: 23.  Brittany – Rob thinks it falls short.  Kelly doesn’t love it.  Bryanboy says the fans are carrying her on. Tyra gives her a 7 based on her body of work.  Huh?  Are we judging as a collective now?  Score: 18.  Yipes.  Laura – Kelly says it’s bad ass and she pops on film.  Bryanboy says everyone loves her, but he doesn’t get it.  Kelly calls him out for being rude.  Kelly’s my girl tonight!  Tyra says it’s because she comes to panel with foundation & eye liner which makes her look commercial.  Interesting.  Score:  27.

Best Photo

Best Photo:  Laura – She accepts sans make-up and gets a big compliments from Tyra

Safe:  Kristin, Kiara, Nastasia

Bottom Two:  Victoria & Brittany – Amazingly, Victoria stays.  Ooh and there are some pissed-off girls waiting in the wings.  Nastasia looks about to haul off and punch a girl.

But let’s not forget the title of this show… That’s right, we still have to bring someone back.  And if it’s Brittany, this will be the most anticlimactic season-long set-up ever.  And in walk the eliminated girls.  OK, why is Nastasia over in the corner having a full-on meltdown?  And did they really just leave us hanging??? That’s way not cool.

The might-be-agains.

Bottom Line: Well, I tried to see if there was a slip-up in the previews and there was not.  Well played editors.  Well played.  They really should have titled this episode “The Girl That Came Back But You Won’t Know Who Til Next Week Because You’re Suckers”.  Just sayin…

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America’s Next Top Model Cycle 19, Episode 7 – The Girl Who Licks The Floor

Posted on October 7, 2012 by | 2 Comments

The Grunge Episode

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Really?  This week’s episode is called “The Girl Who Licks The Floor”?  One can only assume it’s going to be Victoria.  I gotta think she’s the only one loony enough to lick a floor.  Maybe they showed that in the previews, but I don’t remember that at all.   I do know that this is the week that Victoria gets called out for not eating, and while I’m sure it’s not done with the highest level of tact & class, I am glad someone is talking about it.  That girl is scary skinny and admittedly not eating the “non-mama-country-cookin” food being made at the house.   As an ex-ballet dancer, I am a bit hypersensitive to eating issues.  I remember watching 4 girls split a Snickers bar and calling it lunch.  Seriously.  So, hopefully surrogate mama Tyra will step in and handle it.  I’m sure she has a story about her own weight struggles that she will share to show how down to earth and in touch she is.  Maybe we’ll hear about Paris at 15.  Maybe we’ll hear about the evil “other model” –  aka Naomi Campbell – that made her life hell.  Or maybe we’ll hear the “kiss my ass” story again.  Oh, it’s all so exciting.

We start back in the house with Laura, who is excited about her win because it is one step closer to her proving that she can be a successful model on her own and not live in the shadow of her parents.  Now, I was as big of a Dynasty fan as you can be back in the day… and today (see our New Year’s pics on the TWB Facebook page if you want proof)… but I’m thinking the sun has set on daddy’s acting career making that shadow rather small.  But I’m gonna let her have her dream.  Meanwhile, Victoria is still reeling from being in the Bottom Two.  She says she lost feeling in her feet at panel and almost passed out from the shallow breathing.  Could be that you’re just hungry, dear.

As for the Tyra Suite, Laura decides to stay alone.  Now, normally I’d make some comment about bitchiness and blah blah blah, but she gets a pass because her not sharing the win means no Suite time for Kristin.  And that I approve of greatly.  Alyssa is cool with that because she can earn it on her own.  She’s getting her groove on and she’s going to be the curvy Brazilian that wins Top Model.  I’m thinking that’s probably not going to happen, because if history dictates, the girl that does the most bragging is usually the girl that goes home.

Down in the kitchen, Kiara has taked on the role of House Mom and is cooking up some chili for the girls.  She hopes this helps the girls respect her more.  She’s not the ruthless the bitch they thought she was.  She’s just a tough love kind of mom.  If you say so.  I mean I respect where it comes from, but you’re still kind of a hard ass.  The girls are chowing down on the chili, but not Victoria.  Here we go… She doesn’t eat red meat.  And she’s not interested in the rice because without her mom, she can barely taste food.  This makes my head spin.  This is such a dysfunctional attachment she has to her mom.  I mean she gives a whole new meaning to needing to cut the umbilical cord.  Kiara is concerned about her. Even Kristin is concerned about her.  And if Kristin is concerned, you’ve got to be a hot mess.

But concerns must be put aside because Bryanboy is in the house!  No, literally he’s in the house.  He has brought Marissa Montgomery, designer & host of Nylon TV, with him.  They tell the girls that they are going on a road trip to Palm Springs to do “Random Acts of Modeling”.  Apparently, this is when you do everyday things like grocery shopping or pumping gas, but in a “model-esque” way.  This is something Tyra does all the time.  Yeah, because she’s a banana that thinks the world is her runway.  But this ought to be entertaining to say the least.  Maybe I’ll watch football this weekend in a “model way”.  Hmm…

Anyway, the girls will hop in some RVs and make 3 stops on their way to Palm Springs.  At each stop, they will have to take photos of themselves doing RAOM.  The winning model will host her own segment on Nylon TV.  The girls are divided into two teams:  Brittany, Alyssa & Kristin on Team One and Kiara, Nastasia & Victoria on Team Two.  Since Laura is the House President this week, she gets to pick which team she wants to be on.  Any shock that she picks Alyssa, Brittany & Kristin?  Uh, no.

On the road, the teams prepare their strategy.  Victoria says she’s going for the weird.  Floor licking anyone?  First stop is a Statue of Liberty replica.  Kiara stands and sits on or around an eagle statue and poses.  Uh, not exactly the concept Tyra is looking for.  Victoria doesn’t get it right either.  She also doesn’t remember to say “Nylon TV” during her video segment, which sends her into panic…. as usual. Meanwhile, Team 1 stops at an amusement park and Alyssa grasps the concept of RAOM posing while she buys tickets.  Brittany, not so much.  Kristin also manages to fail the test.  But Laura gets her photo while eating some cotton candy and scores one photo of RAOM.  The girls sort of start to get the concept as they go but not quite 100%.  How hard is this to understand?  Standing on a tractor, no.  Eating food, yes.  Victoria gets through a couple of carrots and some lettuce leaves.  What she doesn’t get is Kiara’s video recorded.  Whoops.  Now she’s getting stink eye from Kiara and that is giving Victoria anxiety.  OK, this girl is going to keel over from a coronary if she doesn’t learn to calm down.  The girls keep referring to her as fragile.  Fragile is a good word.  She actually reminds me of a bambi right after they’re born and they can’t quite figure out how to stand on their own legs.  Someone give her a Xanax shake and a large pizza please.  The girls on Team 2 pull over and reshoot Kiara’s video.  She does a bunch of takes, which further pisses of Victoria who only got to do one take.  Yeah, stat on that shake.  Team 1 has decided to stop at the Palm Springs windmills for their third stop, not realizing that hundreds of windmills churning might actually create… wind.  They attempt to do RAOM even though there are no random acts to be captured.  Good call.  Stop number three is a total fail.

Don’t hate. These shorts are fierce!

They all finally arrive in Palm Springs to find out which team pulled off the assignment.  Bryanboy is waiting for them with Marvin Scott Jared, Editor-In-Chief of Nylon Magazine.  Marvin tells them that a Nylon girl is a girl that is comfortable with herself and has her own personal style.  He thinks everyone did a great job.  Team 1 – Kristin did a great job and has a very Nylon look.  Brittany looked like she was taking vacation photos.  Alyssa has a great look but was too posed.  He thinks Laura did a great job with her props and with achieving RAOM. On to Team 2 – Nastasia has an innate Nylon look but didn’t deliver what Tyra was looking for.  Victoria’s tractor photo was great but her pictures weren’t RAOM.  Kiara seems to have been the only one on the team that understood the assignment.  Howver, the team win goes to Team 1 with Laura winning the overall challenge.  Someone’s on fire and going to be sporting a big target on her back.  Beware the model claws, Laura.  They’re gonna be swinging in your direction. The social networking scores are handed out as well with Victoria & Brittany tying for last place with sixes.  And Victoria’s stress-o-meter ticks up another inch.  She’s angry & drained… and a broken record.  She feels like she won’t be able to achieve this for her mom.  Lady, achieve something for yourself.

The girls want to rest and shower, but Johnny shows up to tell them that they’re going straight to their photo shoot.  The theme this week is that they’re girls coming home from a wild night out and being caught off guard.  OK, is it wrong that I find the photographer, mustachioed Douglas Friedman, kinda hot?  Probably, but I can live with that.  He’s like a tattooed Village Person.  OK, I’ve said too much.  Moving on…. Brittany is up first and nails it.  Laura gets to

Me likey.

hover over a motel toilet, but hasn’t quite got the hugging of the porcelain down.  Come on, lady.  We all know this isn’t your first time at the “hold my hair” rodeo.  Victoria rolls in with her weekly story of what character she’ll be playing.  Today she’s a girl who got drunk, lost her virginity and now has to take a pregnancy test. Um, okaaaay.  Girl needs to step back from the edge.  Douglas & Johnny are a bit weirded out, but she nails the shoot.  Kristin gets to pour gallons of milk all over herself.  Johnny thinks she was a trooper for doing it.  She’s just pissed, natch.  Kiara is modeling in a dumpster.  Johnny asks her if she’s ever been in a dumpster.  He asks rhetorically, but the answer is actually “yes”.  She’s been homeless and had to resort to dumpster diving for clothing.  Yikes.  That’s intense and makes me sad for her.  Sounds like she’s really had quite the rough life.  Can you imagine if Victoria had to deal with her life?  Oy.  Kiara actually has a great shoot, finally.  Nastasia shoots in the shower but hates that they’re telling her to scrunch because she needs to look tall.  Alyssa shows up and gets the photographer’s name wrong.  Slick.  And it turns out she’s the one licking the floor today.  Yep, soda off a dirty floor.  Ack.  Johnny thinks she’s a gorgeous girl but not a high fashion model.  Well, I hope she at least makes it another week being that she was licking a dirty floor 3 feet from a roach.  That deserves another week on the show.

After another stressful night for Victoria, the girls return home in time for the next panel.  But first, Victoria has to have her weekly hysterical call home.  Seriously, she is outer limits with this.  And since clearly mom doesn’t have any interest in her daughter having her own life, she tells her she should come home.  The girls are all confused and concerned about Victoria.  Nastasia pulls her aside and asks her if she feels like she should go home.  She tells Victoria that she needs to eat.  Brittany jumps in and says she’s also concerned.  They party grows and the girls are all telling her that she has to take better care of herself, let her mom go at some point and have her own life.  You guys are going to give her a heart attack.  Take it down a notch.  Seriously, the gang attack isn’t going to work in this situation.

But it’s time for panel… Brittany is up first and the judges love her photo.  Kiara gets good scores from the judges, but still isn’t making her mark on the fans.  Laura doesn’t quite nail the dirty girl and this disappoints Tyra.  She gets 6s and 7s.  Kristin regained some of the ground she lost on social media and gets 8s from the judges.  Nastasia finally looks tall and the judges are loving what she’s bringing.  She gets 10s & a 9 from the judges.  Alyssa committed to the shot but didn’t quite pull off the shot.  Her social media scores dropped this week.  Tyra says she needed to smize, but still gives her an 8.  The other judges go 4 & 6.  Ouch.  The judges loves the photo Victoria shot, but Bryanboy just wonders when they’ll see some confidence in panel from her.  She starts to say she wants to really bring it each week, which starts the heads wagging in the back.  Tyra asks what’s going on and Kiara says they’re all worried about her.  Tyra asks if she’s sick, and as Victoria tries to convince her she’s fine, the girls behind are shaking their heads like bobbleheads on a brick road.  Tyra says she wants to believe Victoria, but needs to listen to the girls because health is of the utmost concern to her… You know, she’s written letters about it to every girl in the world.  Damn!  Letters!  I forgot that one.  And really, every girl in the world?  That’s a lot of writing.  And where the hell is my letter?  She must have cramped up right before my name.  Anywho, Tyra tells her that it’s up to Victoria to be well, but if she makes it through this week, she’ll be watching her.

Best photo: Nastasia

Staying:  Brittany, Kristin, Victoria, Kiara

Bottom Two:  Laura & Alyssa – Wow, way to plummet, Laura.  Reality check time for her, but Alyssa is going home.  This upsets Tyra because she was the only “fiercely real” girl left in the competition.  And as a black girl with a big butt, she knows that real girls have to try harder.  Oh dear lord, Tyra, give us a break.

Bottom Line: Well, here’s hoping that Tyra takes some time off from her letter writing campaign to make sure Victoria doesn’t end up a cautionary tale.  Seriously, that girl is not OK.

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