Tag Archives: Jef Holm

The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 11 – The Finale

Posted on July 23, 2012 by | 1 Comment

One Sentence Summary:  The moment we’ve all been drinking for – Emily picks a winner.

It’s on like Donkey Kong!

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:  Oh boy oh boy oh boy!  It’s time!  Someone is finally going to be able to call Emily her woman, at least through the After The Final Rose show.  Will it be Vinnie or will it be Astley?  Oh, it’s so hard to choose.  I have to be honest, I was at dinner tonight – look, even I can’t, with good conscience, cancel a dinner with friends for reality TV –  and am watching this via the DVR.  It is taking everything in my power to not fast forward to the end, get the answer and then watch the show.  But I’ll be good.  I’ll suffer like the rest of you.  I’ll wait to see who will finally get the final rose… and by final rose, I mean Emily’s, um, flower.  I really felt like Arie would be the big winner here, but so many of you are on Team Jef that I’m starting to think you might be right.  I mean I was also the only woman who didn’t like Sean so I’m starting to doubt myself – though I still think I was right about him.  I’d pick Arie, personally, even though Jef’s definitely the safer choice.  And that is probably why I am still single… but that’s not really important right now.  What’s important is that my pinot noir buzz is wearing off and I need it to get through this show before that happens.  So, let’s watch.

Melissa:  We’re gearing up to finally learn who got to put the ring on it.  Truth be told, I’m staring at my television on pause dreading the next 3+ hours of my life.  Why?  Because well, I’ve watched the whole season, got recap montage’d (yep, new word just for the occasion) to death last week and I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be treated to more montages tonight.  Not to mention deep thoughts and difficult decisions with Emily tonight.  Oh, then the “After the Rose” where Emily gets to defend her choice and we get to see the happy couple montage.  Maybe I’m a little cranky tonight, I’ll say sorry now in case I go off on a rant I can’t control.  OK then, let me steel my nerves with a little Jay Vineyards Pinot Grigio and let’s bring on the most dramatic event of the summer, and the incredibly emotional finale.

In Case You Missed Anything…

I’ll be here tonight to explain everything that’s happening in case you can’t figure it out for yourself.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Wait, we’re starting with Chris?  Does this mean we’re going to spend the next 20 minutes reviewing the whole season?  And haven’t the last few After The Final Roses been live so why is that news?  Talk to me, Chris.  What’s the deal?  No deal.  Just letting us know you’re there.  Taking a moment for the victims of the massacre in Aurora, CO.  That was kind.  OK, thanks… moving on…

Deep thoughts with Emily as we hear that she has truly fallen in love with two men.  Ah, the pitfalls of dating 25 men at one time.  But it’s all good, Ricki Bobby is here and mic’d up for all the cute giggling we get to enjoy.  Her parents and sister, um or brother, are also here and shacked up in quite the fabulous villa.  Cannot lie, these people look not at all familiar.  I know it’s been a minute since Brad visited Emily’s hometown, but nope, not even remotely familiar.  In fact, I’m just guessing that that’s her sister & her sister’s husband, but it could just as easily be her brother & sister-in-law.  Yeah, I got nothing.  Oh well, time to re-meet the parents.

Melissa:  OK, you know I don’t really care for Chris’s little opening speeches, but that was pretty decent of him to mention the victims and families in Colorado.  Every time I’m out, you manage to suck me back in.  More Emily deep thoughts.  She brought Ricki Bobby to Curacao?  Then why did she roll her luggage in all by herself like she was alone?  I don’t get it.  Oh, it’s the folks, I completely forgot about them from the Hometown Dates on the Bachelor.  Then again, I think I may have tried to block that all out.

Jef In The House

Look, I brought you flowers so you have to be nice to me.

Rachel’s What Happened:  First to face the family is Jef.  Love that he’s got a giant bouquet of flowers in his hand.  Now, will it be for Em or for mama?  They’ll be for mama if he’s a smart boy… And he’s a smart boy.  So smart that he even brought flowers for the sister-in-law to be. (Yeah, it’s a brother and fiance.)  Told you I was clueless.  I had no memory of her having a brother.  Did we know this?  Anyway, back to the matter at hand; Jef.  I wonder what dad will think of the skinny jeans and Ricky Astley hair.

Jef sits down with the fam & tells mom that his family was skeptical of the process too so he understands their hesitation.  Mom, who has clearly smoked some cigarettes in her day, says that Emily said that he makes her laugh which is very important for her… along with waiting on her hand & foot.  Everyone laughs at that, but inside they’re all nodding their heads.  As are you… Admit it.

With that, mom pulls Jef aside for some get-to-know-you time.  She wants to know if he has any doubts that after this is all over he’ll feel differently or see Emily differently.  He says no.  She also wants to know if he’s really ready for a daughter.  Ricki and Emily are joined at the hip so whomever she ends up with can’t be jealous of their relationship.  Jef’s ready.   He’s ready for marriage, the kid, the whole thing.  Mom is warming to our boy, but she’s not going to give Jef the green light easily.  But she does say that Jef has all the things Emily’s looking for “again”.  Yep, she said “again”.  You know, in case anyone needs to be reminded that this isn’t Emily’s first ride at the rodeo.  Overall, mom’s feeling good about Jef so she releases him from her clutches in time for some Bachelorette lunch.

Dude, you’re not supposed to actually eat the food!

Whoa!  Someone is going to lose their job!  Emily’s brother is actually eating the food.  Did no one tell him it’s just for show?  Well, bro gets my vote tonight for best guy.  I love a rebel.  That’s right, you eat the food!  Show them you’re not afraid of a few on-camera calories!  In between bites, he tells Jef that they are all a bit skeptical of the process.  He’s pretty protective of his sister and he’s not trying to see her go through another heartbreak like she had after Brad.

Ernie, that’s the brother’s name, puts down his sandwich and steps away with Jef.  I love that his name’s Ernie.  No, I’m serious.  I love it.  Jef asks if Emily’s ready to settle and Ernie says Emily isn’t going to “settle” for anyone.  Nice.  Jef then asks him why it hasn’t worked with any of the guys that she’s dated.  Uh, well, the last guy she met on a reality TV show (hint hint) and the other guy is no longer with us, so you guess why.  And now Jef gets to hear about how perfect of a guy Ricky was and how no one has measured up to him since.  Maybe let Ernie ask the questions.   Jef says that he’s never been so in love with a girl and is so ready to be a dad to Ricki.  Ernie thinks his intentions are sincere and he’s surprised that Emily actually might have found true love through this process.  Good talk, bro.

And now, dad.  Jef now tells dad that he is completely in love with Emily – in case anyone was wondering still – but he wouldn’t feel right potentially discussing a future with her without her father’s blessing.  He’s an old-fashioned guy that way.  Yeah an old-fashioned guy meeting his future wife on a TV show.  Dad gives Jef his blessing and believes that Emily is truly smitten with him.  Her smile makes it obvious.  OK, any guy who ever wants to go on this show should watch Jef with the parents.  What technique.  Just slide in and drop a bunch of sincere love talk on them, ask a bunch of questions and leave with the approval of the family.  Don’t give them the chance to ask you any hard questions.  Nope, just kill ‘em with the “aw shucks” thing.  Tip ‘o the hat, sir.

And with that, Emily walks Jef out letting him know he passed with flying colors.  He is so, like, happy about that.  Yeah, if you’ve been playing the Bachelorette Drinking Game, I’m hoping you’re feeling pretty toasty after all those “likes”… and we’re only 12 minutes into the show.  Woo!  And off Jef goes walking down an empty street to nowhere.  Uh, someone want to send the car around?

Arie’s Turn

Here’s a box of dead flowers. It’s not an omen, right?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh come on, do we really have to see Chris between every commercial break?  Amazingly we actually are smart enough to have figured out that Jef got the blessing, but Arie hasn’t yet.  It’s amazing what that college degree will do for a person.

Anyway, Arie shows up to meet the parents empty handed.   Bad move son.  How did your producer buddy let that happen?  Although as he walks in the door, he has something in his hand.  Did they grab something from the garden and hand it to him?  Or is Arie magical?  He’s the David Copperfield of race car driving.  He has the hair for it.

Oh boy, seems dad is pretty settled on Jef and isn’t sure why he even has to bother meeting another guy.  Not a good omen for our boy, Arie.  See, this is what happens to people when you don’t let them eat.  They get cranky and don’t want to play your games.  Doesn’t help that Arie’s nervous and babbling like he’s got no off button.  Awkward moment.  But boyfriend turns it around when he presents the family with the miraculously appearing gift.  It’s a wood box that holds all the roses that Emily has given Arie throughout the show.  Smooth move, friend.  Super smooth.  And the family starts smiling for the first time since he walked in.  Mom likes that he was willing to give away something so precious and is surprised that he’s not arrogant like she thought he’d be.  Personally, I’m wondering if the “giving away something so precious” portends the outcome tonight, which isn’t good for our boy.  Of course, if Arie is second best, maybe he’ll be the next Bachelor.  I wouldn’t be mad at that… At all.  I like the Barbarino.

Mom & Arie step outside to chat and she tells him that the first time around she didn’t like telling someone who was playing eenie meeny miney moe that it was ok to marry her daughter.  I hear that.  So, she wants to make sure that the person that wants to marry her is pretty daggone sure.  And when a southern lady says “daggone”, you know they’re serious.  Arie tells her he’s sure and he understands the responsibility that Ricki brings to the situation.  Mom’s blown away by Arie and is now torn between the two guys.

You got a pretty mouth, boy.

Let’s see if he’s as smooth with Ernie who isn’t loving the “practiced” way he talks and tells him so.  He wants to know if he’s in this to win it or if he’s really in it for Emily.  Arie admits that he wants to give the right impression but it’s because he cares so much about Emily.  He’s never fallen so hard for a woman the way he has for her.  And part of what he loved so much about dating a single mother was the enjoyment he got from spending time together with the kid.  Oh Ernie, your smile is showing.  He’s hit the soft spot, hasn’t he?  Arie knocks the ball out of the park when he says that you can’t understand that feeling until you experience it, which as a single dude, most guys don’t.  Nice, bond with bro while undercutting Jef at the same time.  And now Ernie joins mom on the confusion train.  Wait, did I just hear the audience laugh when Ernie said he was confused?  Are we really going with the piped in laugh track from the live audience?  Please no.

It’s finally dad’s turn and he wants Arie to know that it will take a very strong man to take care of Emily and Ricki.  Arie says that at first it was fun and carefree, but he’s now at a point where he can’t imagine living without Emily.  He will do whatever it takes to make her happy and wants to know if he has dad’s blessing.  Dad pauses a minute, which you can see freaks Arie out, but he gives him the blessing.  Knowing how much he loves Emily is a daggone good place to start.  (Daggone from dad is pretty good too.) Uh, I think we should have included mom & dad’s southernisms in the drinking game.

Off Arie goes with the blessing of the family and he’s feeling pretty good about it. A few kisses and then he starts his own long walk down an empty road to nowhere.

Melissa:  No flowers?  Tsk-tsk Arie.  What’s in the box?  Maybe turn your nervous talk to that, Arie.  Oh, it’s a rose box, and it wins mom over.  I’m skeptical… If he gets Emily, he still has them, and if he doesn’t I doubt he’ll want them anyway – just saying.  Of course he wins over Mom easily, the moms are always suckers.  Now Ernie goes down too.  I had such hopes for you busting his groove.  At least Pops waited a few more beats to make Arie sweat it out.  BTW, I’m glad I’m not the only one that finds the audience laughter annoying.  I thought I was just in a foul mood tonight.

Tell Me What To Do

If you don’t tell me who to choose, I’m totally going to throw a tantrum.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time to hear the family recap of the guys.  They give her no real concrete feedback beyond them liking them both pretty much equally.  There is no “but” on either one of them… though Arie has a much nicer “butt”. Emily, not thrilled that her family won’t make the decision for her, wants to know if they’re just afraid to tell her the truth.  Nope.  That’s not the case.  Ernie knows she wants a black & white answer from them, but she ain’t gettin’ it.  What dad will say is that he doesn’t believe you can love two people at once.  So, she must be in love with one or the other.  She used to think that, but here she is, in love with two people.  Bro tells her she’s going to have to make the call on her own and  our princess isn’t happy.  If looks could kill, Ernie would be the subject of a 911 call right now.  She’s piiiiiiiissed and even more confused now.  Aw, poor baby, you have to make your own decision.  Why is this anyone else’s responsibility?  You signed up for the show.  And weren’t you the one scared of Jef’s family because they had such a huge influence on him?

Mom tells Emily that how the guys react to Ricki will be telling and she’ll need time to adjust to this situation.  Emily isn’t sure about introducing both guys to Ricki because she’s just so confused.  Personally, I think she’s behaving like a child herself with the pouting and the whining about her family not giving her the answer.  Mom encourages her to wait on an engagement until she can see how “the guy” fits into her & Ricki’s life.  This makes Emily question everything.  Really?  How does that change your feelings?  Maybe it changes the final rose ceremony, but it shouldn’t change how you feel about the guys.  OK, can we have a commercial break now?  I need a minute without Emily.

Mary, are we really only 30 minutes into this?

Melissa:  Why does Emily want her family to pick for her?  It’s her decision. I get she wants their opinion, but girl needs to make up her own mind.  Why the hell should they figure it out for her?  If she doesn’t know after how many weeks, how are they going to know after a few hours??

I Feel Confident

Totally under his spell.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Emily has breakfast with Ricki before her final date with Jef and she’s still not sure about what to do about them meeting her.  But she’ll have to worry about it later because off she goes to spend her last few hours with Jef before the big decision.  It’s picnic on the beach time and it’s ridiculous how gorgeous that water is.  Wait, I have to rewind because I just got fully mesmerized by the water.  Pretty soothing water…

Seems Emily is stressed about everything.  Jef, on the other hand, is not stressed because it all just seems right.  However, he still hasn’t met Ricki, the “biggest member” of her family.  Oh, I so want to make a dirty joke here about him becoming the “biggest member” of her family, but I won’t…. even though I kinda just did.  hee hee… Emily says it’s a big decision and she still doesn’t know what she wants to do.  He reminds her that he’s super excited about kids and a family, but it’s a huge deal and he thinks about Ricki every day.  He’s been preparing his whole life to be a dad.  But Emily still has guilt over introducing Ricki to Brad and then it not working out.  Jef wants to know if she feels confident in her decisions.  She says yes.  Then Jef says she should put herself in his shoes and think about how she’d feel in the opposite situation.  She says she’d be disappointed.

Awkward pause… awkward pause… And she breaks.  Way to play the confidence card, Jef.  Emily now thinks that Ricki should meet him.  Yes!  Let’s meet my kid!  Today!  This time it’s going to be different than the last time.   Wow, that was some smooth manipulating by Jef.  He looks like the cat that ate the canary right now.  Now, I’m not saying he’s wrong or right about meeting Ricki.  I’m just saying that was some serious maneuvering.  I’m impressed.  He gets the final piece to his puzzle and she realizes that if they’re a package deal, the guys have to meet Ricki.

Come on, Ricki, perform for Jef!

They head to her house to meet Ricki and do a little spying on her swimming before they go in.  Too bad the person watching her is paying zero attention.  They visit Ricki in the pool and Emily has her perform tricks like a trained dophin at Sea World; although I’m not sure what else they’re going to do since she isn’t really much of a talker.   Yeah yeah, you can yell at me all you want for saying that about a kid, but you know I’m right.  Regardless, Jef is smitten with the giggling.  Ricki is invested enough to invite Jef into the pool and Emily is thrilled at how comfortable she is around him.  It’s a happy time for everyone and Emily is sure that Jef would be a great husband and father.  After some fun with bugs, Emily walks Jef out and they are both glowing in the chillness of Ricki and their day together.

I will hug it and pet it and name it George.

Time for the dinner date at Jef’s place.  Wow, he really whipped up something special for her.  Oh right, it’s only a prop.  See, again, I think he should have to actually cook her dinner and plan the date.  That’s real life.  This hushed talk over champagne and candlelight in a romantic setting is not real life… even if you did meet her daughter today.  This is also the part of the process where the guys make gifts for Emily to show her how much they care.  Jef gives her a book about Curacao which symbolizes a huge step in their relationship.  OK, he does get props for drawing stick figure pictures in the book of them together.  That’s pretty daggone cute.  After some more kissing, Emily heads home with her book in her hands and her Bachelorette virginity still in tact.

Melissa:  At least she checked in for our morning “Ricki is good” before she jets off for last dates.  So Jef’s not nervous… <sigh> That’s always the kiss of death when they say they aren’t nervous.  That’s not going to get you taken to meet Ricki.  You have to say you’re nervous because you love her and want to love Ricki and don’t want to have that dream taken away from you.  Man, I should write this stuff for them.  She’s going to make the introduction??  OK, just for giggles, how funny would it be if Ricki Bobby kicked him in the shin and ran away?  I mean I would laugh, because it’s always when you want the little ones to act a certain way they go the polar opposite.  Finally, Jef gets nervous.  I’m loving that he asked for a pair of goggles to wear while swimming with Ricky.  OK, I think it’s official… I’m all in for Team Jef.  Maybe it’s the Mom in me, but I’m loving how he is with Ricki.

I’m loving that dress.  I wish I could kick a strapless dress like that.  I also like his generous nature.  Not for the acutal “things” he gives her, but for the thought behind the book for Emily (love the pictures drawn in), the puppet for Ricki, flowers for BOTH the Mom and SIL.  Good stuff.  Wait, weren’t they supposed to have dinner?  I mean I know they never do, but didn’t she tell him to get ready for dinner?  Oh, how did they cue up a storm behind him as she leaves?  That’s some serious production value right there.

The Most Shocking Chris Meeting In Bachelorette History

But I don’t wanna tell him… Can’t you do it for me???

Rachel’s What Happened:  Uh, do I really need to hear audience commentary right now?  I do not.  So, no offense people, but I’m fast forwarding.  It’s already torturous enough watching this for 3 hours.

And we still aren’t getting to Arie’s date yet.  We have to reconvene with Chris and have a heart-to-heart.    She says that she’s confused because she thought at this point she’d have a sure sense of wanting to pick one guy.  She retells us why she introduced Ricki to Jef.  Sigh… come on already.  I’m losing focus.

Wait wait wait… Did she just say that she is picking Jef without a final date with Arie?  Wait wait wait… WTF?  Focus back to sharp.  She tells Chris that her mind is made up.  OK, if that’s the case then great, happy for her.  Happy for them both.  But I can’t help thinking that she is pulling the ripcord because she doesn’t want to have a great date with Arie and then be confused again.  Hey, my kid likes this guy.  I like this guy.  He gave good present.  Let’s just call it a day.  But Chris is so excited for her and happy this has worked.  But she still has to deal with Arie. And there’s still an hour left of the show.  What are we going to do for an hour?   Chris wants to know what she wants to do and you know she wants him to tell Arie for her.  I know I would.  Let’s be honest, that conversation is going to suck mega huge.  Poor Arie…

But I have to take a moment to give Emily props for not putting Arie through a final date if she’s not feeling it, just for the sake of the show.  I also have to say that this is actually the most shocking final rose ever.  And you know I hate to have to admit that.

Melissa:  She’s going to Chris for advice?  Again, can’t she make up her mind on her own?  Hey now!  She’s saying she’s choosing Jef?  Wait, what the hell time is it?  Can she make that call so early and ruin the show?  Good thing I didn’t fast forward through chat time with Chris. (I’ll admit I tend to use the button.)  But here’s the thing, if it was the meeting of Ricki that pushed her over the edge, shouldn’t she give Arie the same opportunity since she was so hesitant to introduce Jef in the first place?

Just Drop The Bomb!

Holy shit, I’m getting dumped on national TV.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Man, I don’t envy her at this moment.  Wait, are they really letting Arie show up by himself for the date that won’t happen to make a love potion?  They are.  Oh ABC, your evil knows no bounds.  This is just cruel.

Finally, Emily shows up, but not before Arie can mix up some love and make what will become embarrassing statements about their future together.  And now she’s letting him put his love potion on her.  Woman, get to it.  The longer you wait, the more humiliating this is going to be for him.

Finally, they sit down and she starts bawling.  She says she doesn’t know what to say or do.  She tells him that she has felt strongly for him from their very first date.  He knows what’s coming and you can see it on his face.  He wants to know what changed.  He thought the family meeting went well and she says it did, but that’s not the issue.  She had thought from the first date that it would always be her & him.  That she wouldn’t really have to choose, but… He says she doesn’t have to say it.  She says she’s sorry and he looks like he wants to come out of his skin.  She says he’s everything and it wasn’t something he did.  He says he thought they had something.  So did she and she meant everything she said.  But she just has more confidence with Jef.  Oofah, there’s that confidence word again.  And with that, Arie is out.  Don’t blame him.  He stayed longer than I would have.

She chases him, but he says there’s nothing left to say.  He’s not going to give her the goodbye she wants just to make her feel better.  Amen, brother.  She says she doesn’t want that, but she still won’t let him go.  Let him go!  This is no longer about you.  He can’t figure out what she wants but does thank her for sparing him the embarrassment of tomorrow.  He hugs her and you can hear one of their hearts thumping like crazy on the mic.  She asks if she can walk him out and he lets her.  I have to give him credit for being way more calm and collected than I would be.

In the car, he doesn’t have much to say.  But hey, Mr. Driver Guy, if you sense a good moment for it, maybe slip him my number?  You know, if he’s feeling up to a little cougar action…  Granted he’s about to be the hottest ticket on the market, so I’m not super worried about him.  That’s right Tom Cruise, Arie is about to steal your singledom thunder.  When he does speak, he says he’s confused and feels naive about the dream he had for them.  He feels like he gives way more than he gets.  He misjudged the situation and it’s unreal that it’s over.  Aw, I feel horrible for him.  I would say I feel badly that Emily has to stand there and pretend to be staring into the water thoughtfully while the camera catches the moment, but she kind of deserves it.  Yeah, I know it’s how the show goes & she didn’t do anything wrong technically, but I kinda want her to feel badly for a minute.

And out we go to commercials with the solemn faces of the live audience.  They are milking this like I’ve never seen.  Really, you couldn’t find someone in the audience crying?

Melissa:  He’s making a love potion?  Oh, come on producers, are you just going to lob this one at me?  The jokes are too easy!  I’m almost feeling bad for Arie saying he can’t wait to see the look in Emily’s eyes when she finally tells him how she feels.  I’m going to go with no, you really don’t sweetie.  HA, methinks he’s going to have some nasty words for the herb lady.  Yep, right there… Did you see it?  The realization just hit him that he’s out.  I want to give him props for a graceful walk out.  Why do the ladies feel they have to chase them down to talk more?  Just let him have a moment to not look like an ass.  You just ditched him. He doesn’t want to be in your presence.  I can’t even crack a good Vinnie joke.  I don’t have the heart.  Yes, pan to the stunned audience.

Now It All Makes Sense

And now for the giant time suck.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oooooh, now I get it.  No date with Arie leaves a gaping hole in the show’s timing, hence the randomly interspersed audience moments.  Gotta fill that extra time somehow, so let’s chat with Ashley & JP.  Ugh, more like let’s fill my wine glass and make the pain go away.  Chris says that Ashley has been in Emily’s shoes, literally.  Uh, not literally, Chris.  If she were literally in Emily’s shoes, she’d be wearing them and that would be awkward on so many levels.  It’s actually “figuratively” but let’s play along… Ashley tell us “literally” what it was like in Emily’s shoes.  It was hard.  Great.  What else?  JP says Arie should not have been given the chance to try and win over Emily.  Yeah, I agree.  That’s just extra humiliation time.  And we all agree that Arie didn’t see it coming.  Ok, so far Chris has called JP “big boy” and Deanna Pappas “baby”.  I’m ready to hit fast forward.  And now Michael Stagliano gets to put in his two cents.  He says Arie won’t have trouble finding a girl… Ya think?  Man, these are some deep moments.  And finally, some chick from Brad’s season also named Ashley (Spivey), whom I totally do not remember, is called Emily’s good friend by Chris and she corrects him quickly saying that Ashley is really her BFF.  Uh, still harboring jealousy, Ash?.  Anyway, Spivey says it’s nice to see how strong of a connection she has with Jef.  Yes, it is.  Can we get on with it now?

Melissa:  Really we have to watch this fluff??

Deep Thoughts & Sparkly Diamonds

Who says no to that ring?

Rachel’s What Happened:  We now get to hear how badly Emily feels for what she did to Arie but so happy to have found love with Jef.  And now it’s Jef & Emily montage time.  She pictures her life with Jef and it is the perfect life because she is with him.  Well, that’s sweet.  No, it really is.  I actually like her & Jef together.  I know I was Team Arie, but I do actually like Jef as well.  He’s definitely one of, if not the most interesting guys to ever be on this show.

Meanwhile, as Emily is sighing a big sigh of relief and on Cloud 9, Jef is still unaware that he’s already won the race and anxiously goes to pick out a ring with Neil Lane. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Neil let it slip that Arie had been sent home?  Jef picks a pretty stellar ring.  Now, I’m not gonna be the party-pooper and say that it looks a lot like the one from Brad Womack but it looks a lot like the one from Brad Womack.  Not that I would be mad to get that ring… twice.  And now some deep thoughts from Jef.  He loves Emily and he’s excited for their life together.  You don’t say… Again.

And we’re back to Emily getting ready for the big moment.  She isn’t sure she’s ready to get engaged but she knows she’s ready to be with Jef.  She would have sent him home by now if she thought there was a chance they’d break-up.  But then again, she didn’t think she & Brad would break-up…

Wow, the wind was just sucked out of my lungs with one look at that dress.  Sweet Fancy Moses woman, you’re not in a pageant!  And I hope that color is better in person because you look like salmon mousse on TV.

The Final Rose Before ‘After The Final Rose’

Emily, I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say good-bye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And the time has FINALLY arrived.  Emily is nervous and excited.  How many times are we going to hear this?  Just freaking get on with it so we can all get misty and start hoping that you both beat the odds.

As Jef heads towards his destiny… LOL… OK, sorry, I was going to try and be all romantical for a minute, but it just doesn’t feel right.  But he actually is headed toward Emily, who is trying to figure out how to make sure that Jef doesn’t feel for one second that she’s rejecting him in any way if she doesn’t accept a proposal.

Side bar:  Sharp suit he’s sporting.  Too bad he’s about to get swallowed up in salmon chiffon.

Jef shows up and she gets right to telling him that looking back at the long road it took to get here, she knows that he is her soul mate and the perfect person for her.  She loves him.  No one else got to meet Ricki and she didn’t even go on her date with Arie yesterday.  It’s just the two of them.  He says it’s the best thing he’s ever heard.  He feels like the luckiest man in the entire world.  She makes him smile and he thinks they’re just so easy & fun together.  He thinks it’s meant to be that they found each other and God puts people in each other’s lives when the time is right.  Her brother told him that he thought she might give up on love and he is so grateful that she didn’t.  He found his everything and is so in love with her.  He promises that she will never feel lonely again.  OK, I’m teary.  Must be exhaustion and wine making me vulnerable, I admit it.  I’m teary.

He says that what he’s about to ask her is a forever thing.  He pulls out the ring, gets down on bended knee and proposes.  Silence… Will she say no?  Of course not.  She says “yes” and all is good with the world.  Bluebirds are singing and baby deer are frolicking in the woods just hearing the news.  And another Emily-Jef montage is upon us, but this time it’s to a 25 year-old Chicago song.  Really?  There hasn’t been another song written in over 2 decades that might be just as appropriate and far less cheesy?

Oh and he accepted the final rose.  You know, in case you were still wondering.  And just when you thought you had all the sweet sappiness your little heart could handle, Ricki joins them and the three of them walk off into the sunset together hand in hand.  Now I’m teary because there’s still another hour of this.

Melissa:  I’m going to call it right now… Even with all her I don’t know if I want to get engaged just now, she’s going to say yes.  Come on Jef, don’t make me fast forward you.  DAMN, did anyone else see that Sean/Mackenzie Astin (I can never remember who is who) resemblance tonight?  I TOLD YOU!  I don’t want to be that girl who gets engaged 15 times, my ass!

The Final Rose

The happy couple.

Rachel’s What Happened:  OK, I’m exhausted so I can’t promise much literate reviewing here, but I’ll try.

Emily shows up in a hot little number with her boobs looking normal (for her) again.  Is it wrong that I’m glad to see a zit on her chin?  It’s like when you glimpse a little cellulite on that girl at the gym with the perfect body.  You can’t help but do a little internal victory dance.  It’s childish but I’m owning it.  She tells us again all the reasons why she chose him.  She’s loving her ring, but says she’d be happy with a piece of tape around her finger.  I think a couple of producers could make that happen and would happily re-budget that money.

But enough joy, we need to talk to Arie.  She says she still has things to say to him and realized after the show that she’s not good at being direct.  Well, she’s about to get her chance.  Arie joins Emily on stage and there are some women in the audience coming out of their seats… and dresses.  Arie says that watching the show helped him a lot.  He has nothing but love for her and is very glad that she’s happy, but it’s tough.  He had no clue it was coming and felt like they had such a future planned.  He says that in the moment he didn’t clearly know her feelings for Jef and so he didn’t get closure, which is Emily’s green light to try and give it to him.  She is still sorry and it’s still hard for her to watch that goodbye.  He’s everything she looked for in a man but she just felt more confident in her relationship with Jef.  There’s that confidence thing again.  Was Jef just the safer bet?  He wishes she would have said to him what she said to Chris.  She gave him confidence and he just didn’t see it coming.  So much so that he actually flew to Charlotte to get a moment with Emily off-camera.  You did what? He says the plane landed and he realized that it wasn’t right to do to her, to do to Jef whom he respects and to do to Ricki.  So he called her and said he’d leave her his journal so she could read it and understand where he was coming from.  OK, it’s a damn good thing I’m not in LA right or I’d be busting into the theater and hand-cuffing myself to Arie… And yes, I realize that this already happened hours ago so I’d be alone when I busted in.  Look, crazy has no rationale.

Anywho, Arie left the journal on her doorstep, but she didn’t read it.  She didn’t out of respect to Arie and to Jef.  She didn’t think it would help anything to read it and they’re his private thoughts.  That’s impressive.  I’m not sure I could be so mature.  But good on her.  He thought, that by her reading it, she’d be able to see how much he truly felt for her and how real it was for him.  For her, just the fact that he was willing to share it with her said more than any of the actual words in the journal could.  Yeah, too bad he would have been happier had she just told him to take the journal home with him.  Arie says that he & Jef oddly enough talk on the phone a lot and hearing how happy he was with Emily helped give him the push he needed to move on.  So, all good in the hood.  Everyone is happy for everyone and Arie is going to get much tail in the coming month… weeks… days… after the show.

After Arie leaves, Emily tells Chris that she told Jef everything that went on with Arie and her feelings about it.  So Jef called Arie and smoothed it over giving Arie the closure she couldn’t give him.  Damn, you gotta be impressed with that.  And with that ringing endorsement for mature man behavior, we have Jef.  They’re happy as clams… By the way, who determined that clams are happy creatures?  I mean they don’t seem super happy.  They seem kind boring and solemn.  They don’t even get to make pearls like oysters…  Sorry, where were we?  Oh yeah, all the wonder that is Emily and how happy Jef is.  They have been spending secret weekends together with Ricki and they have all been perfect.  Being a dad to her has been amazing.  I’m getting a toothache over here from all the sweetness.

And now we’re seeing the proposal again because they haven’t seen it yet.  Couldn’t they have watched in the back when the rest of us did?  I mean it’s not like it’s been a week and we need to be reminded.  It’s been less than an hour.  So the question Chris says everyone wants to know is “what took her so long to say yes to Jef’s proposal?”  And in case we couldn’t remember the reason, she tells us again that she doesn’t want to be engaged 15 times and never get married.  Maybe they should just bring a preacher on the stage and marry them right now.  Just get it over with.  Oh sorry, first they have to go to Africa on a humanitarian trip and build wells there.  My goodness, they are just the perfect little couple aren’t they?  When they get back, Jef thinks they should live in Charlotte so as to not uproot Ricki and he’s fortunate enough to be able to work anywhere.  Of course, he’ll be getting his own apartment at first as they combine their lives.  I’m about to pass out from all this sugar.  I feel bad for the diabetics out there watching.

I can’t believe I have to sit through this.

BTW: nice audience shot of Ashley looking totally annoyed with her arms crossed and tongue in cheek, literally.  (Note correct use of the term “literally”.)  Anyone else see that?

But we survived another season and now it’s time to see if they make it down the aisle.  Here’s hoping… For reals… And here’s also hoping I don’t have to watch it.

Melissa:  Well first of all, my DVR cut out on the final actual giving of the rose, but I pretty much got it and the whole walk off into the sunset business.  Now we have our last hour of torture before we’re done with Miss Emily.

I like her better with the straight hair and not so “done” look about her.  Clearly someone had a lighter hand with the application this visit.  That is a nice ass rock, I must say.  Yeah, something tells me a piece of tape really wouldn’t have as much impact, but go on Emily.  You tell everyone that.

Really, do we need the melodic plucking of the strings upon Arie’s arrival?  I also don’t get the whole dragging them back to relive it all for the sake of “closure”.  He went to Charlotte to see her?  A journal too?  I guess we know who the next Bachelor will be, sheesh.  Yet, I still don’t get this whole deal.  I mean I get it from the ratings perspective, but this isn’t realistic.  What two people who break-up are this “I didn’t do you justice, and you deserved more” to each other?  Come on.

Does she need someone to do the work for her by having Jef give Arie closure?  First, she wanted her parents to choose.  Now having Jef do her dirty work?  Then again, he might as well get used to it.  Now I have to hear the 1 ba-jillion reasons Emily is awesome and to watch the proposal a short 40-ish minutes after I just saw it?  Shoot me.

HA, Emily building wells in Africa – Oh how I wish there was a follow-up show on that.  I wish these crazy kids luck!

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, I would have never picked Jef to be the guy in a million years after watching the first episode, but I’m glad Emily gave him the chance.  I guess she saw the potential Melissa & I fully were missing…  probably because we were spending way too much time dogging his hair.

Melissa:  Next we get all the Bachelor(ette) cast-offs for a whole new show to take our Monday spot.  Bring on the cray-cray!!

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The Bachelorette – Who Wins Emily’s Heart?

Posted on July 22, 2012 by | Leave a comment

It’s a battle of the “heartthrobs of yore” on tonight’s Bachelorette finale!  Who do you think will get to slip a ring on Emily’s finger and finally get that overnight date?

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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 10 – The Men Tell All

Posted on July 17, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  Emily’s exes are back to try and retrieve some of their dignity, but Chris Harrison has other plans.

Yeah, you coulda had some of this facial hair.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:   Oh, look!  A room full of Emily’s rejects.  I wonder if the testosterone bouncing off the walls is so strong that a woman could get pregnant just being in that room.  Don’t know.  Don’t want to know.  But let’s be honest, they’ve all had time to watch themselves getting their egos handed to them and are back to reclaim their manhood… or hoods as it may be.  I’m especially interested to hear from Doug.  I want to know what watching oneself be the only guy that didn’t get lip felt like and how he’s going to ‘spain it.  Now, we all know I’m a big Doug fan and still think it was nerves and respect… But he really should have stepped his game up a few notches.  I’m sure Ryan & Kalon are going to get some airtime and say some provocative things, but I’m really not trying to hear anything out of either of them… ever.  And what’s the over/under on Chris’s level of bitterness? I’m going with him still being an 8.5 but is going to play it like 4.5 – besides he’s on Bachelor Pad this season and if there’s a better consolation prize, well I don’t know what it is.   Then there’s Sean… I’m starting to think I’m the only woman in America that doesn’t get his appeal.  Maybe he’ll change my mind tonight.  I doubt it, but maybe.  Well, at least I get two hours free of meals that no one eats.

Melissa:   Yes, the men are back to dish the dirt, or rather pull the “you did me wrong” er, wait… Is that the women?  At least we get to visit with Doug, whom I hope is faring well after his trip to Bachelorette-dom.  Unfortunately, the flip side of that bliss, is our douchebag bookends Kaylon and Ryan (insert eye roll and twitch).  OK, I’ll admit, I’m kind of hoping Ryan tries to pull his “you let THIS get away” and she just flat out tells him he’s an ass.  Oh, that’s what dreams are made of my friends… Dreams.  I digress, I know it’s really the show where we hear how happy Emily is with her choice and how they are building dreams of Disney proportions together & getting ready to ride off into the sunset… There’s a clue in there, my friends, as to my guess at Emily’s pick.  I’m kicking it with a little Two Hands Angel’s Share Shiraz tonight, so let’s bring on the men.

Memories…

Again we have to go through this? Even I’m sick of my story.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Holy crap, before the show even starts I’m already in shock.  What is with the mountains of make-up pancaked on these guys?  Are the lights brighter in that studio or did someone steal the make-up artist’s glasses?  I mean they’re a one sweep of sparkle eye shadow and a man-tuck away from being on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  And Ryan looks like he’s auditioning for the part of Pablo Escobar.  Spray tan much, Ry?  Woo…

Anyway, here we go with Chris’s worship at the altar of Emily.  Yes, she’s everyone’s favorite Bachelorette ever… Well, everyone except me.  I was partial to Jillian, but anyway…  Wait, what’s that?  A live finale?  Is that possible?  And on Sunday?  Dude, you’re messing with my schedule here.  I’m so confused.  I might need to switch to tea or I’ll never make it through to the end.

But we start with Chris interviewing Emily.  Isn’t she going to be there?  Why do we need to interview her twice?  Oh so we can see and hear about Ricki Bobby.  Seems having her at her home and the guys right down the street made it just like it would be if she were dating in real life.  Uh, I don’t know how you date, but I don’t generally keep a house of potential suitors down the street from me.  Though as I think about it, you might be on to something.  How do I make that happen?  How, I ask… We revisit Ryan’s chauvinism & trophy wife comments.  That hurt her feelings.  Then there’s Kalon and his helicopter arrival.  Oh wait, that’s not Kalon’s legacy… Right, it’s calling Ricki baggage.  She calls him out for being spiteful because he’s used to being a big fish in a small pond.  He’s just a douche.  Let’s be honest.  Big pond, small pond, out of the water flopping around on the floor, it’s all the same.  Oh boy, and now we have to see Doug kissing Emily as she’s breaking up with him.  Ah yes, reliving awkward.  Always fun.  Well, there we have 8 minutes of show that we will have to relive when each of those guy is interviewed.  Seriously, no one wastes more time than TV producers.

Melissa:  Yes, poor Emily, life had to be tough for you dating the men while going home at night to take care of Ricki Bobby.  We all feel for you, doting men declaring their love for you within 15 minutes of meeting you and then going back to “real life”.  Ryan’s dumb ass “you can’t gain weight” comment.  Oh the wonderful jackass he was.  Then his friend Kalon.  I love they’re going to rehash all the men with Emily then we’ll get the tour de force yet again in the studio with the “man-montage” all over again.

The Blooper Reel

You made me spill my wine. Sorry, but you won’t be getting a rose tonight.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Look, I’m happy to watch a blooper reel, but I don’t need it curated.  I don’t.  Oh no!  Perfect Emily spilled wine on her dress and swore!  Oh my goodness!  How terrible.  And to think I was concerned about starving children in Africa when Emily potentially ruined her favorite dress she got for free and then forget her perfect southern manners for a moment.  I need to get my priorities in order tout de suite!  Um, are they really singing to an egg?  See, if Travis had brought me into a room to sing a lullaby to an egg, he’d have been gone that night.  Well, the hair would have gotten him sent home as well.  LMAO – Arie’s brothers are spying on them making out.  That’s freaking hilarious.   What else do we get to see… Oh, poor Chris trying to dance.  Yeah, he shouldn’t do that.  Ever.

Melissa:  OK, I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, they really need to incorporate more of the behind the scenes for this show.  This shit is funny.

Bachelor Pad

Yeah, I’m back and I brought my guns.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Are the men actually there?  And if I had known I didn’t have to watch the first half an hour of this show, I probably would have anyhow.  Let’s be honest.  Ed!  Ed’s on the show!  I liked Ed.  Well, makes sense since Jillian was my fave bachelorette.  Oh why couldn’t those two make it work?  Oh yeah, they met on a reality TV show.  Anyway, you know the TWB will be watching and laughing and groaning along with you, all season.  I mean they’re making them do a spelling bee.  Is there going to be anything funnier than watching these people try and spell, especially Erica Rose?    I think not.  OK, we’re all watching.  Can we get to the men now?

Melissa:  Ugh, like I need to deal with a 10 minute promo of the crazy crying.  Oh wait, No Lip Chris  is on the BP??  Lindzi too?  Man, everyone is up for this business.  I guess a quarter of a million makes people put themselves up for mockery in the face of the bitches – not to mention the rest of the nation.

Recapping the Recap

Do you hear the mature words that are coming out of my mouth???


Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, some men… and the women go crazy for Sean.  Shiny head Sean.   Really?  Ugh, he’s so going to be the next Bachelor isn’t he?  That’s going to kill me.  The guys talk about getting out of the limo, or helicopter in Kalon’s case.  OK, so I don’t mind a recap if it’s of men getting catty and jealous.  We get to revisit Chris’s immaturity problem, Doug’s humility problem, Ryan’s machismo problem and Kalon’s arrogance problem.  Oh yes, what a pothole filled road it’s been.

After the guys get to relive their lowest moments, Chris admits that sometimes he was immature.  But it was only because he was freaking out.  Well, you were freaking out because you weren’t mature enough to handle the situation.  And you aren’t the only one that was in your 20′s, but you’re the only one who got your panties in a bunch about it.  But he flips it on Ryan and his attitude.  Kalon, sensing the opportunity to create an ally with “the other douche”, says that the guys were just threatened by Ryan and his humility.  Uh, did I miss the episode where Ryan showed humility?  I mean saw humiliation when he got sent home, but not humility.  Chris asks Kalon if he recognizes that rolling into a party the way he did was putting a target on his back.  Of course he doesn’t.  He is still confused as to why he was singled out because someone arriving in a helicopter would be someone he’d truly be interested in talking to.  But he does regret the baggage comment.  He wasn’t himself at that moment because he was frustrated and that process can get to a person (it’s not lost on anyone that he’s talking directly to Chris).  Charlie isn’t having it.  He was himself the whole time.  And his real self wanted to smack Kalon’s real self.  He’s also upset that he went home before Kalon went home.  Well, that’s not Kalon’s fault.  That might be your fault a weensy bit, no?  But then there’s Soul Patch Stevie who is proud to shove calling Kalon out to his face down his throat.  Look, I don’t like Kalon either but he’s not wrong that the guys were jealous that he showed up in a helicopter.  The rest… well that’s on him.

Melissa:  Oy, the recap – as if we haven’t been watching all season long.  At least Ryan has the sense to mock his own rooster-locks.  No Chris, they weren’t telling you they thought you were immature, though you are completely acting it right now.  AW LAWD, you need to take it down a notch.  Oh shut up, Kalon.  Yes, all of us were upset Charlie was set home before you.

The Kalon Chronicles

Say what you want, but I’m the one getting a feature segment and you’re not.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And in case you just missed that last segment or the opening segment, let’s watch Kalon’s greatest hits…. again.  Kalon says that when he signed up, he didn’t know who the Bachelorette was.  But when he found out it was Emily, he knew she had a child and that was a big issue for him.  Chris asks him why she showed up then.  Excellent question.  He says it would have reflected badly on his character to not show up.  Yes, because it reflected so well on your character showing up and openly not being thrilled about Ricki.  He tries to smooth over those wrinkles by saying that he’s an optimist and wasn’t 100% sure he didn’t want a stepchild.  No one believes you.  Chris also calls him out on being rude to her with his “run along” at the Shakespeare date.  Kalon just thinks people don’t get his humor (because it’s not funny) and he didn’t thrive in that environment.

The men have had enough of his trying to explain away his bad behavior and Joe says he was just there for the glitz and glamour of it all.  Glitz and glamour?  Is that what that is?  Tony says he was there for the cameras and not Emily.  That makes more sense.

However, Chris isn’t done with his moment and pulls it back in to the one-on-one interview.  Guys, don’t interrupt Chris when he’s earning his paycheck by asking the tough questions.  Watch and learn a little something about journalism.  Funnily enough this is when Chris asks about the “you can speak when I’m finished” moment.  Kalon didn’t think that was the most offensive.  Ricki as baggage was the most offensive.  True, but they were both on the offensive scale, my friend.  And yes, we like our lives sugar coated in this country – it allows for us to shirk all personal responsibility (but that’s for another blog) – but we can still uphold a modicum of tact and kindness when we are speaking.  And most certainly when we’re trying to woo a woman.

Doug is asked if that comment would ever be ok.  Clearly the answer is no.  Kids can’t help being here.  Sean jumps in and says he doesn’t have to have a kid to know that’s not ever ok.  If you love a woman, you have to love every part of her and Ricki is part of Emily.  True dat.  And Kalon is off the hot seat without Chris opening up questions to the firing squad.  Aw, that’s like taking away a favorite chew toy from a pack of dogs.  Then again, we’d be here all night with that.  Who’s next?

Melissa:  A douchebaggery montage.  Why?  I mean I get he was the “villain” of the season, but I’m tired of that personality.  You know him.  We’ve all experienced him.  Maybe it’s my short fuse lately, but I have zero patience for such unwarranted pompous arrogance.  I know he’ll claim he’s misunderstood, and what not, but ugh.  Please don’t even try to play your “run along” as playfulness or humor.  That’s just straight up douchebaggery plain and simple.

Trophy Time

It’s called a spray tan, Chris. Get with the program.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ryan’s turn to sit in the frying pan, after we, of course, watch his most memorable moments.  And they are memorable for sure.  Wow, did Chris just yell “See ya!” during Ryan’s video?  Uh, are you trying to prove everyone right about your maturity level?  Look, I’m not going to defend Ryan’s behavior, but even if he handled it like a jack ass, you know how bad that moment of rejection feels.  So, why you gonna go rub salt in the someone else’s wound?  Go find an upper lip, won’t you?

Anyway, let’s talk about Ryan’s “worldly gifts” shall we?  He just chocks it up to being confident in who he is because without that he wouldn’t be successful.  Maybe try a quiet confidence?  Chris wants to know if he crossed the line from confidence to arrogance.  Of course he doesn’t.  Chris – No Lips, not Harrison – wants to know about his true feelings for Emily.  Ryan says he was reading his journal and he realized that it wasn’t about Emily.  It was about finding his wife.  OK, at first blush, I was like WTF did you just say?  But then I realize that he might be the first guy to realize that it’s not about winning this girl but finding the right girl.  I might have to give him some credit for that one.  Granted, I don’t like the guy he is, but he does have a point.  And I do kinda love that he was trying to fix John up with his ex.  That’s pretty funny.  Chris comes at Ryan again saying that he told Arie that they’d be the last two standing, and if he didn’t win, he’s be the next Bachelor.  Ryan admits to saying it to a few frontrunners, but not Chris since he wasn’t a frontrunner in Ryan’s mind.  Oh I’d love to put these two in a cage fight.  Now that’s something I’d watch.  The Bachelorette:  The Men Take It To The Mat.  Chris Harrison reassures us that he’s not going to be our next Bachelor.  A collective sigh of relief overcomes the room.  I don’t know.  It would be kind of funny… maybe for a few weeks anyway.

Melissa:  You know, if he weren’t such an ass with the Wolverine facial hair, he could be attractive… Kind of.  Maybe.  I think he’s one of those people who could be good looking (to some), but the more you get to know him the less attractive  he becomes.

A Chat With Chris

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I got humiliated. Can we move on?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Haven’t we heard enough from him?  Well, I guess we still have another hour to fill (groan) so we might as well rehash the rehash that we hashed.  Cut to the video… Wait, how come Chris’s bad attitude and meltdowns weren’t shown on the video?  That ain’t fair.  Well, I guess we’re going to talk about how much it hurt him vs how badly he acted.  He loved her 100% and it was hard on him.  Chris Harrison wants to know if he angers quickly.  He says when he really wants something, he’ll do anything in the world to fight for it. If he comes off angry, then that’s how he comes off.  Well, I think you come off angry because you actually are angry.  Call me crazy.  He’s lost a couple good friends in his life and that’s why he says what he means.  You know, because you might not get the chance to be a dick tomorrow.  Great philosophy in theory, but shitty on execution friend.  Emily made him a believer in love and he is looking forward to falling in love with the right girl.  I guess the three he hooks up with on the Bachelor Pad don’t fit into that category.  Oh well, I guess we’ll have to watch Bachelor Pad to find out, and I have a feeling my opinion of his isn’t going up.

Melissa:  OK Chris, here’s the thing, and I swear I’ve said this once before, but just because you tell a woman you love her doesn’t mean she feels the same.  I can’t believe he’ll be on Bachelor Pad.  Never mind it’s starting next week… Come on, give a girl a week of downtime to catch up on some History channel documentaries or something.

Rachel:  You watch History Channel documentaries?

Mr. Perfect

There’s no place like home… There’s no place like home.

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s time for everyone’s favorite bachelor, Sean.  I know a lot of women want him to be the Bachelor with a capital B, but I’m not one of them.  I’m just not buying the “perfect” routine.  Something rubs me the wrong way.   Can’t put my finger on it and I don’t want to spend an entire season thinking about it and watching him run through towns screaming women’s names.  But first, you guessed it, the video…

Side bar:  Why does Emily’s crying sound like a cat right before it throws up a hairball?

OK, I’m back… Sean says the video is hard to watch.  He truly believed that she was his wife and it never occurred to him that he’d be going home.  He says he wonders what he’s missing and no one likes to feel inadequate.  Of course, he still has feelings and is still emotional.  His feelings won’t fade overnight though he wishes they would.  He spent weeks questioning if he should have done or said something else.  He’s never had a broken heart before so this is new.  And that, my friends, is what I think my gut has been reacting to this whole time.  He doesn’t know real loss and it came across to me that he was somewhat flip about his exes and what breaking their hearts did to them.  It was all very much from a “well it wasn’t working for me so I ended it” place that didn’t seem at all sympathetic.  Not he’s got a broken heart and can, not only sympathize, but empathize with what that feels like.  I hope that going forward, he gets it a little better now.  You can’t know how deep it is unless you’ve felt it.  And even his mom told him that it’s going to be good for him in the long run.  Agree, mom.  Agree.  This conversation makes me like Sean a little bit more… I honestly feel like he might have learned something.  Still don’t want him to be the Bachelor, but I’d be less mad at it.  My generosity knows no bounds.

Melissa;  I’m still saying he’s a tall glass of cool water if you like that look.  Thank goodness he didn’t cave to the Bachelor Pad.  There’s still hope he’s not a complete Bachelor sell-out.  Then again, he could be angling for the next Bachelor.  I’ll say it right now, I wouldn’t hate that.

She’s Baaaack

Holy knockers, batman!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ah yes, the most popular Bachelorette ever is back.  I’m surprised they’re making her walk to the couch.  I’d think they’d have carried her out on a litter while being fanned & fed grapes.  Whoa, did her boobs grow a few cup sizes???  How does she not fall over with those things?  Lady, rein it in.  Baywatch is no longer in production.  Seriously, those things have to equal half her body weight.  Yipes!

Anyway, she says it’s exciting, yet tough, for her to see all the guys, especially Sean.  She tells him that she watched the episode, sat in her room and did the ugly cry.  Everything she felt was real and he knows it.  He even thanks her for opening up his eyes.   Kumbayah, y’all!  Chris also had his eyes opened to believing in love.  Another thank you to Emily for getting his heart broken.  Now Doug… Poor Doug.  He says he read the moment wrong.  Understatement.  She says she handled it awkwardly at best with her “Thank you for that.”  But she does have one regret looking back and that was not giving Doug the date rose after he stood up for her on the group date by outing Kalon.  I’m glad she recognized that.  I wanted to choke her that night, but I guess she was on overdrive.  She says she could be engaged to Kalon so thank God for Doug.  Doug says he will always have her back.  Aw, swoon.  I just want to hug him.  He really is too sweet.

And speaking of Kalon, she says she was disappointed that she let someone like that through the cracks.  Kalon apologizes for how things went down between them and he is trying to use the experience to make him a better person in his future relationships.  Yeah, Emily ain’t buying what you’re selling.  She tells him that he should be a politician because that was the biggest load of <<bleep>> she’s ever heard.  Ha ha… standing ovation for Emily.  OK, I’m too lazy to get up.  A raise of the glass and a tip of the hat to her.  She says that he clearly doesn’t regret the things he said to and about her.  Just a couple days ago she saw that he posted a picture of a baggage claim and captioned it with “Though for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here.”  Wow, he really is an asshole.  I’d rather have baggage than be a douchebag any day.  He says it was a bad joke, but it is reminded that he also said that he was sorry that he wasn’t sorry after everyone ripped him a new one.  She tells him that the true test of class is going back and apologizing for being rude.  She hopes that he finds faith in something bigger than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter.  Yeah, girl!  OK, now I’m really getting up and giving her a round of applause… and myself another round of drinks.  I mean I’m already up, might as well make it worth my time.

Emily is now faced with her almost decision to let Ryan stay.  She says that he’s good looking and he’s a sweet talker… he’s that guy and every girl has one.  Yep, we do.  I have one… or two… or… Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah, Ryan being a sweet talker.  It just got to be too much but some things just didn’t line up for her with regards to their beliefs.  Well, she says his beliefs but I’m thinking it’s more like his stupid expectations of what a woman should do and say.

And then we saw the bloopers reel which was really the most exciting part of the show.  I even LOL’d.

Melissa:  I totally think her boobs are bigger!!!  I don’t want to say that’s what I immediately saw when she walked out, but I mean they’re just… Maybe it’s the dress.  She did the ugly cry for Sean?  So why did she send him packing?  OK, anyone else not believe Chris’s little “you opened my eyes” blah-blah-blah.  Oh my damn did Kalon really post a picture on Twitter about baggage and Emily?  For real, douche might actually be too good for him.  In comparison, Ryan is looking pretty damn good right now.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  OK, I was really hoping that Alessandro would get the chance to ‘splain himself and I could have used some more Doug time.  But overall it wasn’t bad.  The first 30 minutes were completely worthless, but it’s the drill.  So, now we’re t-minus 5 days until the most amazing finale ever.  Sorry, most dramatic finale ever.   Meh, not buying it.  Unless the rejected guy runs up and tackles the “winner”, it’s not dramatic enough for me.

Melissa:  Thankfully I was shoveling Milano cookies into my face the whole show so the chocolate kept me awake for yet another snooze fest of a “men tell all” show.  We really could really do this in an hour.  Let’s hope next week is, in fact, the most dramatic ending ever.  Though I don’t know what could top Ben Flapjack cruising off in a dinghy.

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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 9 – Welcome To Fantasy Suite Island

Posted on July 10, 2012 by | 4 Comments

One Sentence Summary:  Emily breaks out the bikinis for the Fantasy Suite dates and whittles the playing field down to the final two.

Alone with my thought.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:  Oh, it’s Fantasy Suite time.  That time when Emily presents all three men with the opportunity to spend the evening with her in a hotel room.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “That hooker!”  Well, you’re wrong.  I mean it’s not like she is obligated to offer up the goods as if ABC were her pimp… Oh wait.  OK, but still, it’s not like they’re paying her… Right, forgot about that.  Well, I guess that answers that, but I am curious to see how our Southern Fried Princess handles the situation.  Are we going to see the dirty underbelly of our angel?  Or are we going to have an I Love Lucy situation with twin beds in the Fantasy Suite.  Then there’s the question of Jef.  Just go with me through my though process for a moment… If we consider the fact that his family is influential enough that he broke up with a girl they didn’t like and add that to the fact that his parents are on a 2-year religious mission and throw in a dash of “this is on national tv so there’s no hiding it from the mom & pop” do we get the first Fantasy Suite turn-down in Bachelorette history?  If memory serves, there was a turn-down in Bachelor history, but not Bachelorette.  Correct?  Help me out… In the meantime, let’s get to the part of the season the 5 straight guys who are watching this have been waiting for:  Emily in a bikini.

P.S. – I am watching this in a home in South Florida whose air conditioning has decided to crap out in 90 degree weather so I’m just giving fair warning that the patience is thin.  Very very thin.  Crepe paper thin.

Melissa:  Emily is back to the beach with the boys in Curacao.  It’s getting down to the wire and she’s falling for more than one of the boys (if previews are to be believed).  Oh my, whatever will she do??  It’s really scary that she could break someone’s heart tonight!  Oh, and let’s not forget the new additions to the drinking game that could possibly have us all broken on our asses after the first hour!

Home Sweet Home

Oh this old thing…

Rachel’s What Happened:  Welcome to Curacao! (aka Fantasy Suite Island – Where’s Mr. Roarke when you need him?)  We are greeted by Miss Emily in a full-length dress standing at the bow of a boat, hair blowing in the wind and I am expecting her to scream “I’m the queen of the world!”  But it doesn’t happen.  This is no time for bad Titanic jokes.  No, this is the time for deep thoughts.  Deep thoughts about how happy she is to be on this journey in a place so fantastic with three of the best men ever, whom by the way, she still can’t believe are on their way there to see little ol’ her.  Come on.  Enough with that BS already.  But I do like that she was actually barefoot on the boat and not pulling an Ashley by trying to get off of a boat in sky-high platform wedges.

Aw lawd, we are now revisiting each relationship from the dawn of time.  Or the dawn of our time with Emily.  Didn’t we do this last week?  Did much change since then?  No.  Nothing.  I want to fast forward.  Can I fast forward?  Please!!!!!!!  Fine.  I’m putting down the remote.  Let’s see…  Sean is awesome.  She loves Sean.  He gives her butterflies in her heart.  Yipes, how’d they get from her stomach to her heart?  Might want to have that looked at.  And Jef, again, she loves his edge.  He makes her laugh and owns his weirdness – and yes, that’s a compliment.  Her connection is unlike any connection she’s had in a really long time.  But then there’s Arie with whom the connection was immediate.  He has a youthfulness about himself that he brings out in her as well.  She calls him Sweet Arie because he’s, well, sweet.  Hmmm… talking about Arie brings tears to her eyes.  He’s the only one she gets choked up about… What does that mean?  No seriously, what does that mean?  Just tell me.  I can’t be bothered to wait to find out.  It’s too hot for patience tonight.

Melissa:  Oh, I’m with you, Rach. What I wouldn’t give for Emily to pull an “I’m the queen of the world!”  I love the deep thoughts moments with Emily strolling wherever she happens to be.  What’s the direction on that?  Look at this shell here and give me a Joey Tribbiani  - pretend you smell something bad – so you look deep in thought and  so we can voice over you talking about the men.  OK, I have to say during this opening confessional time I love her with very little makeup.  She’s really pretty without all the muss and fuss of multiple layers of makeup.  Emily + ?  Really?  How necessary was that?

The Most Perfect Fantasy Suite Date Ever

Run, Sean, Run!

Rachel’s What Happened:  What is he wearing on his feet?  And why is constantly running after her or toward her?  And is that v-neck deep enough?  Have I mentioned he bugs me?  Well, he does.  Oh, but look at them shaking it up!  They’re going to take a tour of Curacao, not by foot, but by helicopter!  I’m so excited that they’re doing something different that I don’t even care that they’re not playing “On The Wings Of Love”.  OK, that’s not true.  I still wish they were playing it.  Is it really so hard to cue that puppy up?  Anyway, Sean is waiting for the right time to tell her that he loves her.  Seeing as how they’re going to a private island and then there’s the Fantasy Suite looming, methinks he’ll have quite a few chances.

As they sit on the beach on their private island, Sean asks if his family said anything that really stood out to Emily.  Yes, let’s talk about me and my wonderfulness.  She says that they said he treated his past girlfriends like buddies.  Wait, that’s not wonderfulness, but it’s still about him so it’ll do.  He says he may have treated them like buddies, but they’re probably talking about his most recent ex.  And we hear again that he kicked her to the curb because he realized he wasn’t supposed to spend the rest of his life with her.  And because he wasn’t in love with her, he didn’t do sweet things for her which must be why his family says he treated her like a buddy.  Nice.  His family also said that he doesn’t like girls to get attached, but again he said it was just the last girlfriend, who by the way, must be loving watching this.  Yeah, I’m sorry, but something about Sean just rubs me the wrong way.  I just have this feeling that he’s historically been a douche to women.  I really do.  Anyway, he starts to tell her how crazy he is about her and has the perfect moment to say “I love you”, but he pretends that he forgot what he was going to say and suggests they go snorkeling instead.  Smooth.  Way to almost dangle the carrot.

Dear Ricki Bobby, I would like to sleep with your mommy, so I am going to tell you how much I want to be your daddy.

Time for dinner on the beach.  She tells Sean once again that he’s the perfect man.  He says he’s far from perfect, but Emily doesn’t buy that. He’s perfectly perfect!  And yet, she is wondering why he hasn’t said those three little words.  Oh right, because he just takes a little more time.  So, it’s ok that Sean moves slowly, but not Doug?  And it’s not a concern that Sean is “perfect”, but it was a concern that Doug was too perfect?  Yeah, I’m gonna say that Sean has gotten her deep into the “do no wrong” fog.  Dangerous place to be, lady.  And when he tells her that he can’t wait to be a great father to Ricki the way his father has been to him, she about melts into the sand.  But wait, we’re not done.  He’s written a letter to Ricki that he would like to read to her.  What is with the dudes and the letter writing on this show?  Are they stuck in rooms for hours alone with nothing but paper & pencil?  But he reads the note and now we have full melt.  And I have full eye roll.  Told you people, no patience.  But I will give him credit for using the correct form of your/you’re and it’s/its in his note – a rare achievement these days.  And yes, I looked.  She asks if he’s ready to get engaged and he says that being in love means the same thing as being engaged.  Say what?  That’s crazy talk right there.  But he distracts us all from that nonsense by finally saying he’s fallen in love with her.

Nothing says Fantasy Suite like a little hot tub action.

She presents Sean with the Fantasy Suite invitation.  He says that he would love the chance to “stay up and talk to her”, you know just the two of them since it’s not just the two of them right now.  Yeah, we all know what you really want to do, and while it may include staying up all night, it has very little to do with talking.  He’s excited that there are no distractions tonight; just like it will be for the rest of their lives… Uh, yeah, remember that kid you just wrote a note?  I don’t want to go all Kalon here as I don’t mean it in a rude way, but she’s a pretty huge distraction.  And it’s hot tub time make-out time… Emily tells us that her body is saying let him spend the night, but her head is saying send him home and trust in the end she’ll know what to do anyhow.  Screech… Hold the phone.  Isn’t the overnight date supposed to be overnight?  But we are talking about sweet Emily here and she sends him home.  Well, color me impressed.  The mom gene beats out the aw-suki-suki gene.  A tip o’ the hat, Em.  This is a rule I’m happy to see her break.  It’s a rare thoughtful, mature decision on reality TV.  See I’m not all piss & vinegar tonight.

Melissa:  Hmmm, Emily isn’t thrilled he hasn’t dropped the L-bomb on her.  Yet of course there will be no reciprocation on her part, so she really just wants to hear him say it to make her feel better.  On the Wings of Love, they lift off for a tour of the island… Yeah, that was for my Winey Bitch.  Oh, let’s just hang out on a private island – very cool.  I want to hang out on a random island.  Oh there it is… You hold back your feelings… SAY IT SEAN!!  She wants an L-bomb!  If you don’t give it, she’s going to send you packing!  I don’t understand how after 7-ish weeks she expects them to declare their love for her knowing she has no intention of saying it back.  He wrote Ricki Bobby a letter?  Way to go, but for real, why are you printing like a 7 year old girl – was that a heart dotted “i”?

Keep dancing around it, Sean!!  Save yourself for me!!  Oh wait, who said that?  DOH!  He caved, and of course she thinks it’s awesome to hear.  Who wouldn’t want to hear someone say how much they adore you and you don’t have to say a single word back.  OH SNAP, I forgot it was the “room key” night!!  Aw suki suki now!!  Here’s the thing though, didn’t she boycott the fantasy suite when she was on the show because she didn’t want to give her daughter the wrong impression?  But yet now she’s going to fantasy suite up all the guys if they want?  Ah, OK… She wants to set a good example for her daughter.   And just swapping spit is enough of an example to set for her.

Rachel:  That’s right!  It was Emily that turned down the Fantasy Suite.  Well, there’s another example of my brain only half working and my laziness preventing me from doing the research so that I don’t go on a tangent in my opening that is completely moot…  Oh well….

The Most Polite Fantasy Suite Date Ever

I want to be the person that strategically places the food & beer behind them adding to the ambience of the date.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for Jef’s date.  He’s 100% sure he wants to be with her, but he’s not 100% sure that it’s going to work out.  Well, yes, that is what we call basic math.  There are two other men making it only a 33% chance that it’s going to work out.  He says it’s not going to be over until he can propose to her.  Yes, that also makes sense.  Wow, master of the obvious tonight.

He greets Emily and tells her that he’s nervous, which is written all over his face.  But he gets a little pep in his step when he sees the yacht they’re going to be hanging out on.  She’s nervous too, but about his family still… She says she had a great time with them and wonders if they approve.  He says they definitely approved and his parents, after talking to the siblings, want to meet her, which is a big deal considering they weren’t exactly in love with the idea of the show.  Now I super like Jef – I’ve even come to accept the hair – but I can’t imagine being with a guy whose family has that much influence over his choices in life.  It’s one thing to listen to their concerns.  It’s a whole other to let them be the deciding factor. But she is excited to meet his parents.  He’s excited to meet her parents.  He loves parents and he loves her as a parent.  And she thinks he’d be a great parent.  Thank God the word “parent” isn’t part of the drinking game or we’d all be screwed.  He feels good about their balance.  She feels good too.  It’s a wonderful world, y’all.

Return to Blue Lagoon

Whoa! Emily just jumped off a boat!  It’s a super action packed Bachelorette! Then he paddleboards them both to shore in a scene that should only happen in remakes of The Blue Lagoon.  There’s lots of kissing, and then as the sun sets, Jef tells us that though the sun may be setting on their day, their life together is just beginning.  Groan… Really?  What Harlequin Romance novel did that come from? You gotta be regretting that comment right now.

This is what we call manners in the ‘Tah

Time to sit at a table in front of food.  Jef’s got some questions he needs to ask her.  He wants to know where she would want to live if it works out between them, and she says she likes the idea of starting a new whole life somewhere else.  She doesn’t expect him to move to Charlotte, and though she’s never been to Salt Lake City, she’d go wherever he was.  He likes that answer and can check that off the list.  Next question.  Why hasn’t it worked out with anyone before since she’s such an amazing girl?  She says that she’s gone out with great guys, but if you don’t have that unspoken “thing”, it just is never going to happen.  She sees him being perfect on paper, but he also has the things off the paper that are important.  He makes her laugh and he gives her self-confidence.  OK, check – for both of them really.  I mean if he makes her feel really good about herself, that’s a huge thing.  Granted it should be that way, but we all know it’s not how it always works.  As for him, he’s dated amazing girls but he never saw the end goal until her.  He says he’s never met two people more perfect for each other than the two of them and he wouldn’t change one thing about their relationship.  Hmm… I’m going to venture a guess here that you might want to change the fact that there are two other guys lurking in the wings saying the same things to your woman.  But she’s on board with the romantic notion of it all.  He has one more question and it’s about Ricki.  Is he a good fit for her?  That’s an intense question and a brave one.  This kid is using his noodle.  I like it.  She said that when she was home before the Hometown Dates packing Ricki’s lunch, she pictured Jef there.  Another check mark in the yay! column.  And with that, Jef is presented the Fantasy Suite card.  He thinks it would be awesome, but recognizes that her daughter & his family will be watching this.  So, he respectfully declines and says that they will ultimately get to spend every night together in their own private Fantasy Suite.  Is this kid for real?  And I ask that without the usual snark and cynicism found in most of the questions posed on this site.  I really am floored to “meet” a guy with this much respect for a woman and her child.  She is thankful that he responded that way.  She feels the same about spending the night, but asks if he would like to hang out for a bit.  OK, this is getting so cute and sweet that I’m half-expecting bunnies to start hopping by.

The legs must remain closed at all times.

And off they go to the PG-rated Fantasy Suite.  Um, their suite is a crazy cool treehouse.  Rethinking that decision to stay?  I know I would.  But these two are wholesome young bucks (never mind that Emily got knocked up at 20) and Jef tells us this is the time to “bridle their passions.”  I’m sorry, what did you just say?  You need to stop using those Harlequin books as your guide to romantic lines.  So, after some kissing, she sends him home because a few hours won’t change what she feels.  Well, unless Sean decides to run through the streets of Curacao shouting her name because he misses her too much.

Melissa:  OK, boyfriend needs to put on a pair of shorts that don’t look like boxers.  Oh, so Sean for the air tour.  Jef gets the sea tour.  Does that leave Arie with land?  Yes, brilliant powers of deduction after a few glasses of vino.  I should have drank more in college, might have saved me from a few mistakes.  OK great, so they feel like they get each other.  Why do I feel like I’m caught up in a John Hughes movie – make no mistake my friends, I adore them but this is a little off… Too much rom com going on.  Oh I love that chunky blue ring!!  Sorry, I’m easily distracted by pretty things.  Yep, there is a joke in there.  Go ahead, have fun at my expense.  Aw, Emily can picture him there packing lunches for Ricki Bobby… I guess that’s sweet, unless she’s thinking he’ll be her new house boy and do her work for her.  Oh no he’s not taking the “I respect you too much” route with the fantasy suite!!  Well played Jef, you smooth talker!!

The Most Unfulfilling Fantasy Suite Date Ever

How Arie & Emily say “hello”.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Arie shows up for another boat date.  These two cannot keep their hands off of each other.  Yeah, this guy isn’t saying no to the Fantasy Suite.  But they pull themselves off of each other long enough to go swimming with dolphins in the middle of the ocean.  OK, that’s rad.  That goes on the bucket list.  I don’t want to do the dolphins in captivity thing, but this is pretty amazing.  Arie says that being with Emily is like having your best friend with you all the time.  Aw, cute points for Arie.  Back on the boat, he toasts to her bravery even though she was scared of the dolphins.  He thinks she saves the good dates for him, and I’m thinking he may be right.  He got Dollywood, fireworks on the boat, & swimming with dolphins.  Considering that everyone else just walked around pointing at things, he’s truly lucked out.  And we have more more kissing.  Lord, these two are like teenagers… and yes, that statement is rife with jealousy.  There really is nothing better than being with someone you can’t stop kissing.

Can’t I just have one bite? One small bite?

Time for dinner and I’m loving Emily’s dress. Loving!  Emily feels so close to Arie but there are things she still doesn’t know.  Like what does he do on a regular Tuesday morning.  He says that it’s funny she brings that up because he’s been thinking about what it would be like to watch her make breakfast and take care of Ricki.  He says that his day, when he’s not racing, starts around 9am.  She lets him know that his days will start much much earlier.  He’s thinking like 6:30am… She says she wishes.  Hold the phone, your 6-year-old doesn’t sleep past 6am?  Oh hell no.  Yeah, I know I don’t have kids, but that’s crazy talk.  He brushes that off, mostly because I don’t think he wants to really acknowledge that reality.  She wants to know what time he gets home from work.  He says around 6pm and he’ll usually grab dinner with friends then just hang out at home.  He likes to go out because he doesn’t like being at home alone.  Hmm… Doesn’t look like our Em is loving these answers.  Though she hasn’t asked the other single, no-kid-having guys their routines which I would imagine aren’t much different minus the wake-up time because they have 9-to-5′s.  I doubt any of them are fully understanding that their days are going to start before the rooster crows.  He wants to know from her how she sees this going if he’s the last man standing.  She says she doesn’t have all the answers but she would be happy to move to Scottsdale if that’s where he wants to live.  He knows what a big part Ricki plays in her life and he wants to let her know how important it is for him to be a father figure to her daughter.  He’s so good with kids and he wants her to see that side of him.  So, he asks what her expectations are for a father for Ricki.  She wants someone to come in and genuinely love her like she’s their own.  Ricki doesn’t know the father-daughter relationship and she wants that for her.  Arie says that getting to know Ricki should be a slow process.  She should look at Arie as a buddy first and slowly get to know him as a father.  Emily likes that and seems to be warming up to his vision of the future.  I have to admit that I’m pleasantly surprised to see so much depth in our resident bad boy.  Emily is also surprised that he gets it more than she ever gave him credit for.  Yeah, our little boy’s all grow’d up.  And he loves that she puts him first and makes him feel like a man.  It gives him confidence and he loves fulfilling that role.  Go on Arie with your bad self.  Loving this side of you.

My gift to you tonight, Arie: blue balls

It’s time for the Fantasy Suite card and Emily chooses not to give it to him.  She doesn’t trust that she’ll be able to make him leave so she’s not telling him that’s even an option.  Well played, Em.  Didn’t know you had the choice to play it that way.  Even better done in your virginal white dress.  So off they go to the non-fantasy Fantasy Suite.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I’d be able to say no either.  As she tells us that she wishes she could stay with him and enjoy him, she gets choked up.  Man, what kind of voodoo magic does he have in his lips?  And can he give lessons?  Oh it’s because she’s realizing it’s time to let one of the three guys go.  I still think he has magical lips though.

Melissa:  OK, I was just about to say who cued the dolphins, but in true Bachelor(ette) fashion they thought of that little move as well.  Apparently their relationship is all about kissing and wanting to kiss each other.  Is it me or does Arie seem to have the life?  Up at 9-ish, go drive around a bit, then go out with friends.  Of course she’ll move to Scottsdale.  She’s seen where his parents live!  I don’t know, there’s just something about him that seems off to me.  I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something.  OH, didn’t even give him a shot at the fantasy suite?  OUCH, that has to hurt, unless she forgot the big show is this week.

Decision Time

Have a seat. This won’t hurt at all… Unless you don’t cry on your own. Then it will hurt a lot.

Rachel’s What Happened:  OK, first I want to like that dress way more than I do.  It’s good in theory but not in practice.  That being said, it’s time for therapy with Chris Harrison.  Needless to say, she is freaked out about having to send someone home.  She has no more clarity this week than she did last week, but she knows she has to follow her heart.  She knows she’s made the right decision each week and it’s been clear to her in the light of the next day.  So, she’s hoping tomorrow will be the same.  Yeah, tell yourself that.  She is so excited to be with one guy but she’s not ready to say goodbye to anyone.  I gotta tell you that I have no clue who’s getting sent home.  Chris, sensing that he might not get any of the dramatic tears from Emily on her own, reminds her that this is the last rose ceremony.  There’s nothing but a proposal after this.  Still no tears.  That doesn’t work for Chris so he asks Emily to put into words how hard this is.  She can’t.  Dammit Emily, turn on the waterworks!  Next on the list of surefire cry instigators – Tell us what’s going inside you?  She says she’s really sad.  Chris feigns confusion over her being sad.  Why Emily?  Why so sad?  Wow, Chris, she just spent 5 minutes telling you why she’s sad and no one thought that was remotely genuine concern from you.  But still no tears from Emily because she’s just focusing on tomorrow morning and knowing she did the right thing.  Undaunted by the task before him, Chris has last weapon in his arsenal… and it might hurt her… he hopes.  He tells her that the guys have each recorded a video for her to express their feelings.  Ooh, tears are brimming.  Keep pushing!  Tell her that you haven’t seen this kind of emotion from her all season… Yeah yeah, good job.  It works!  And we have tears.  She says it would be easy for her to be selfish and not think about their feelings but that’s not who she is.  Chris says he’s sorry it sucks, leaves her to her videos & goes off to collect his bonus check for making her cry.

Yeah, thanks for the videos. They’re making me want to hurl… though I haven’t eaten anything to hurl in 7 weeks.

The videos… Sean came in cynical but is now a believer.  He is head over heels in love with her.  He wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  Jef is so happy they could take this journey together.  He’s completely in love with her.  Their dates have changed his life forever.  He promises to always defend her, protect her & make her cheeks sore from laughing.  Arie knows they fit so well together.  His crush has turned to love.  His heart is always racing toward her.  She’s beautiful inside & out.  Emily doesn’t smile once throughout the videos and looks like she’s about to puke… or pass out.. or puke while passing out.  Yeah, I don’t envy her position.

Melissa:  Oh, I’m kind of loving that skirt!!  Without the ruffle that is.  Poor thing hasn’t had any clarity this week on her dates.  Oh there it is, “the hardest week ever”.  It’s not like she hasn’t been here before, she knows the game.  Video Messages, this is new!  Come on, let one of these guys give a pressed ham, how funny would that be?  I swear, I would full-on laugh wine right out of my nose.  Is she not allowed to smile when she’s watching the videos?  Is that a rule?  I wish Jeff would have busted out with a little “Never gonna give you up… Never gonna let you down” – or whatever the words are.  I can’t look it up because I’ll end up with it looping in my head for the rest of the night.

The Last Emily Rose Ceremony Ever

WTF just happened?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, it’s the last ceremony before the big proposal and one of these guys is about to get crushed.  I don’t know why I feel more badly for this crew of guys than I have for any others that came before, but I really do.  I guess part of it is that I really do think all three of them are stupid in love with her in as much of a real way as they can be considering they’re on a dating show.  Usually you can feel the level of competition between the guys and at least one of them is being a jerk, but I don’t feel it this time.  Well, let’s get this over with… I’m actually nervous.

Here we go…

Staying:  Jef & Arie

Going:  Sean

Ah, awkwardness. Always fun.

She walks Sean out and after the longest most awkward pause in Bachelorette history, he says that he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say.  Uh, you’re not supposed to say anything.  This is where Emily is supposed to assuage her guilt and tell you how hard this was and how much she cares for you, but she saw a stronger future with the other two guys.  You’re supposed to get the eff out of there with whatever shred of dignity you have left.  Instead she asks him what he’s thinking.  Really?  You don’t know?  He says he feels stupid because he knew with certainty that he wanted to spend forever with her.  He’s shocked and thinks she should know that this is going to hurt him.  Well, there’s some brutal honesty.  Honey, you should have given him your spiel and sent him home.  Now, she tells him that she’s going to miss him and enjoyed every minute with him.  He says she had to do what was best for her.  Dude, get up.  Go.  You’re killing me.  Well, you and that awful squeaking fan or grate or whatever that is in the background.

Melissa:  I’m calling Arie gets the first rose.  OH, I stand grossly corrected!  I still say Arie is staying… And I’m right.  Poor Sean is going home – wha???  He was my second after Doug.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Wow, first of all I didn’t expect Jef to get called first.  And I didn’t expect Sean to be going home either.  But I can’t say as I think she made the wrong choice… not that you guys couldn’t have figured that out on your own.  Arie was my early frontrunner after Doug – and after I realized what a douche Ryan was.   Well, sorry to see you sad Sean.  Hope mom saved that half-eaten M&M cookie.

Melissa:  I love the random bench they put out for the poignant “I’m sorry” conversation.  I wish he would have pulled a Ben Flapjack (no, I still don’t know his name) and just walked away without all the tears and what not.  I love these moment.  They are the most civil and kindest break ups ever.  None of that “I hope you rot in hell demon spawn” happening here.  It’s all sunshine and happiness with good thoughts and I wish you the best BS.  OK, I also need to stop here and say that I do love Sean and how cool he is in his good bye confessional – Thank you for not crying, my dear.  And here’s where he sells it to the producers and America… Ladies and gents, out next Bachelor!

Rachel:  Dear God, I hope not.

Melissa:  I’m just excited for next week.  It’s our last chance for a peek at Sean and Doug, and I can’t wait.  I’m also still loving the outtakes.  How about half of a regular show, then the other half of the outtakes?

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