Rachel: What the hell night is this show on? It showed up on my DVR last week on Sunday. I just looked this morning for it but the date says it was recorded on Friday. And all the previous seasons were on Wednesday. Look, I enjoy a challenge as much as the next girl – you know, provided that challenge can be managed with a glass of wine in-hand – but I’m not interested in playing Where’s Waldo with my reality TV. Can we just pick a day and stick with it? I’m sure it would behoove me to check out the website and get myself a clue, but then that would give me one less thing to bitch about. And no one wants that… OK, maybe you do a little bit. But, let’s see what the young & hungry are up to this week.
Apparently, more screaming is what they’re up to, as Tyra shows up at the house to tell them about their new grading system. She also shows them the “Tyra Suite” in the house,
where the week’s winner gets to crash with a buddy and raid the Fashion Closet. The winner each week also gets $10k deposited in a scholarship fund that only the winner of ANTM will ultimately get. Damn, The CW is really trying to get us back into the show.
The girls get to know each other and Maria, the resident genius, tells us that she went to Harvard at 16 and had her masters degree at 22. Wow, I’m feeling like a big ol’ slacker right now. Victoria is having a hard time being away from her mommy and her home schooling. She announces that she’s the resident virgin. Now, if you’re thinking the next thing out of her mouth is going to be about religious beliefs, you’d be wrong. No, she doesn’t want a boyfriend because she gets all the satisfaction of a relationship from her mother. Yes, you read that right. Her mom is selfless in a way that Victoria doesn’t think a man would ever be. Yeah, there are about 100 things wrong with that thought process. You think all you need is mom, but what you really need is a man to come along and kiss you so deeply that you feel it in your toes. Try that on for size and then tell me how mommy is satisfying you. I was so ready to give Victoria the benefit of the doubt, but now I’m rethinking it. I don’t think she’s all I need out of an ANTM relationship.
The girls are hanging out when there is a giant boom in the house. They go running to see what it was and find Rob downstairs with a step team. I love step shows. I do. They’re so cool. Rob tells the girls to get dressed in their prettiest
dresses and takes them to Club Eden in Hollywood. Inside the club is Jonte, a musician, artist & choreographer, twirling above a runway on giant hoop. He tells the girls that this season, it’s all about connecting with the audience, which of course means a runway challenge. Strut your stuff and impress the people in the club. They seriously look more like strippers than models. I’m seriously missing Ms. Jay right about now. Jonte gives feedback to the girls by calling every one of them “sweetheart”. The winner of the first challenge is Yvonee. Really? Lifting your leg and showing everyone your chooch gets you the prize? I guess so. I mean I love me the Longhorn, but Ms. Jay would have never let that be ok. But she gets the key to the Tyra Suite and $10k banked in her name.
The girls are left to enjoy some fun at the club… or so they think… when in comes that creepy bearded guy with the blonde wig from last week. Is he supposed to be funny? I guess he’s a guy named P’Trique and does some hilarious clips on You Tube. Somehow I missed this little bit of genius and will have to check it out. If it’s funny, I will apologize, but right now I’m not seeing the humor. He’s there to deliver the Tyra Mail about tomorrow’s challenge.
Back home the scoreboard is up from the challenge with Yvonne at the top and Jessie & Kristin at the bottom. Meanwhile, downstairs Kiara tells Destiny that her low score was because she looked too much like a stripper. Destiny tells the other girls what she said, which of course Kiara hears. This leads to the ubiquitous “say it to my face” confrontation. Always has to be one per season. I will give Kiara credit for saying it calmly and not flying into a rage. That’s one change thus far this season I can get down with. No screaming.
The next morning our resident cuckoo banana, Victoria, is doing her aerobic routine outside by herself. The girls are pretty convinced something’s not right with her and only her mom knows what it is. They might not be wrong about that, though my guess is just that she’s completely socially awkward since she’s lived the most sheltered life a girl could lead. She’s one black dress away from being a nun. But it’s time to shoot some models…
They girls show up in a room full of taxidermy animals. Johnny is there to meet them with Shenae Grimes of 90210, who looks a whole lot like Victoria. It was driving me crazy who I thought she reminded me of and now I know. Thanks, Johnny! She’s today’s photographer… and cross-promote CW shows. The girls will be modeling as one of the animals hanging on the wall so they’ll have to bring it with their eyes. Oh somewhere the head of PETA is breaking out into hives over this.
First on set is Victoria and she starts by chatting up Jonny & Shenae for 20 minutes. They look like deer in headlights with this verbal assault. But she gets her moose head on finally and rocks the shoot. Nastasia brings it too. Kristin brings it, but “it” in this case is an attitude. High maintenance doesn’t really work on this show if you haven’t noticed, darling. Jessie, who needs a good shoot, had some trouble finding her groove. Destiny might have to find a new destiny after that shoot, which bums me out because I like her.
Back home, Kiara is telling some of the girls about her upbringing and not having her mother present in her life. It’s made her fierce and she knows it. Needless to
say this is beyond Victoria’s comprehension. So, she calls home… though it’s in a different outfit & hair than she was wearing 30 seconds ago, but let’s pretend it’s the same night. She calls her mom in a total hysterical tears. Lord girl, you seriously need to cut the cord… and take a valium. When she finds out that she only has 5 more minutes on the phone, it reduces her to even more tears. This girl is going to crack like coconut trapped between the Hulk’s thighs.
Time for panel and I’m guessing that the girls’ photos have been online all week. Yeah, some research is in order for this here Winey Bitch. Reality TV shouldn’t be this much work. Bryanboy is with us this week to bring us the social media information. He delivers the data from the fans. Tyra, Rob & Kelly also score on a 1 to 10 scale.
Up first, challenge winner Yvonne. Kelly says she looks like a Shih Tzu & Tyra thinks she’s better than that picture. Bryanboy says the fans love her and we see a video from one of them. This is going to be a long annoying judging if we have to do this for everyone. Anywho, the judges give her 6s across the board. Kiara gets harsh feedback from the internet and has the lowest score. She gets two 7s and an 8 from the judges. Jessie hits the skids across the board. And so it goes… Until Maria shows up and pulls the infamous “This isn’t my best shot.” excuse. Yeah, that never goes well. Leila scores the first triple 10s. Brittany gets hit with some really harsh online criticism and gets teary at panel. Yeah, that would break any girl with a soul. Kristi gets love online from the boys… surprise, surprise. But she also gets love from the judges (9, 8, 7) and that is a surprise. I don’t like this girl. Kelly gets mixed reviews. Tyra loves it and gives it a 9, but the other judges aren’t as kind (6, 7). Victoria is up and her picture elicits giggles from Rob, which he says isn’t a bad thing before he tells her she doesn’t look like a model… So, then it’s a bad thing, right? Tyra sees potential. Destiny rounds it up with average scores.
Staying (in order): Leila, Nastasia, Brittany, Laura, Kristin, Kiara, Yvonne, Allyssa, Victoria, Darian, Maria.
Bottom Two: Destiny & Jessie. Jessie gets the lower score and gets her rockin’ booty sent home. I like her. I would have liked to have seen her go further.
Oh wait, I guess she does go further since they have also now included a challenge for the eliminated girls. OK, really guys. I know it was time to revamp, but you’re killing me. Is this the “throw it all against the wall and see what sticks” season? It’s getting a little convoluted for me.
Bottom Line: Well, next week is the makeover episode which I love so I am in for one more week. Yeah yeah, I know. But it makes me feel better to pretend that I won’t watch the whole season.