Tag Archives: Jackie Parr

The Bachelor Season 17, Week 4 – Tierrable Tierra

One Sentence Summary: Sean takes a wrong turn on the highway of love & sends the wrong girl home.

14 bitches down, 11 to go.

14 bitches down, 11 to go.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  I am already exhausted by Tierra and tonight’s episode hasn’t even begun.  It’s one thing to be evil like Vienna & Courtney.  It’s another to be evil and have a voice that is like nails on a chalkboard.  And I don’t mean that in a figurative way.  She literally sounds like nails on a chalkboard and I’m ready for her to go away.  I’m hoping that Sean, who missed the BS she was feeding him last week with her fake fall, wakes up tonight.  I mean Kacie B is gone so now he can focus on being freaked out by someone else’s presence.  I’d rather keep scary Amanda around another week than Tierra.  Granted, I’m not sharing a house with Amanda and having to sleep with one eye open.  I really think she might stand over other girls’ beds and watch them while they’re sleeping as she plots evil things.  You know you can picture it.  OK, must shake that image from my brain.  It’s freaking me out.  And nothing will help that happen more quickly than me topping off my glass of wine.

Melissa:  Yes, it’s roller derby week, and I’m super excited.  I only wish (read: pray) it’s against some legit derby ladies and not just each other.  That’s a good time if you ask me!!  OK, at any rate, let’s get us to some half-nekkid Sean and see what the ladies bring on their skates.

Your Weekly Soft Core

The goods from a view not yet seen.

The goods from a view not yet seen.

Rachel:  Whoa, did we just start without an ab shot?  I don’t know what to do with this.  I feel lost and confused.  I mean I have nothing against Chris Harrison, but I am not a fan of change.  If we’re going to be subjected to soft-core Sean every week, then dammit, I expect it every week.  We can get to the date card later.  Besides there are women out there in the viewing audience that look forward to this all week.  They have the candles lit, the wine poured, the husband sent to the store…  Oh, there it is!  This time a boxer brief shot.  Upping the ante!  Made you work for it tonight, ladies.  

Melissa:  WTF is this with Chris kicking off the show?  Where’s the obligatory nekkid Sean?  What shenanigans is this all about?  Oh, here we go… in his tighties even.  I swear he is going to be rocking a thong by the end of the season.  I mean for real, every episode he’s losing another layer… I’m picturing full on Agador Spartacus from The Birdcage cleaning the pool by the time he puts a ring on it.

Your Kiss Is On My To Do List

So when does the Sherpa arrive to carry me up the hill?

So when does the Sherpa arrive to carry me up the hill?

Rachel:  As for that date card that Chris dropped by, it was for Selma.  She’s excited and wants to take her relationship with Sean to the next level.  What is with that?  I have never once in my whole life used that phrase with regard to a relationship and now we hear it every week from every one of these women.  I swear they have cue cards.  

But while Selma basks in the glow of her impending date, the pouting begins from the other ladies.  Seems everyone was sure their name would be on that card.  Oh and we have tears already!  Wow, Leslie, take a deep breath.  There’s still two more hours left.  

And it’s private plane time for Selma.  That means the date will be good, according to Bachelor definitions.   And right away, it’s beyond anything she’s ever imagined.  Yeah, well don’t get used to it.  This ain’t happening after the final rose.  But when they land in the desert and there isn’t a spa in sight, Selma gets a little bit panicked.  She was expecting a glamorous date.  How glamorous can it be if you’re in work-out pants?  Wait, she’s so disappointed and she can’t take heat?  Bitch, you were just whisked off in a jet.  Please do shut up.  And Joshua Tree is amazing, for the record.  Here’s a fun fact, that desert is colder than a bitch at night.  She’ll be crying for heat when the sun goes down. 

Anyway, they’re going to go rock climbing.  Maybe these “tests of character” Sean makes everyone go through make more sense than I had first thought, because this girl is on my nerves with her whining about it.  I mean you don’t have to love outdoors, but there’s a bettter way to handle it than bitching and moaning.  But she’s going to go because she has a man to win over.  Half-way up the rock, the adrenaline kicks in and suddenly she’s loving it.  And I love that he’s given himself the perfect ass shot by climbing below her.  They make it to the summit and have some wine.  Anyone else notice that he keeps on the restraints that are cupping his junk.  Subliminal messaging, Sean?  Sean tells us that Selma loved everything about today’s date.  Uh, no.  Not so much.  Maybe check the playback.  

Melissa:  Yes, here we go with taking it to the next level… We’re what 3 minutes in?  Really with the tears, Leslie?  Come on, there are 2 other dates for the love of all things great and small!!  Private plane… On the wings of love!!!  Ok, sorry.  She’s evil, my partner.  Plants a seed and I can’t control myself… Such is our codependency.  HA, limo, jet and now a hot desert – poor Selma was thinking Pretty Woman and he went all Road Warrior on her.  I’m feeling you girl.  I really don’t get these dates where they have to climb heights to prove themselves.  You know what my character test would be… 4 hours of shopping, carrying my bags for me and me asking you 17 times if my ass looks OK in every outfit.  THEN, you can fetch me an espresso so I can recharge for another 3 hours of scouring antique markets in search of a random piece of furniture that I saw a picture of someplace.  Wait, Sean gave her adrenaline and courage?  What is Sean the great and powerful Oz now?  

I know we can't kiss, but maybe you wanna reach under the blanket real quick.

I know we can’t kiss, but maybe you wanna reach under the blanket real quick.

Rachel: Another airstream trailer date.  This is super cute.  Wait, didn’t Blakely & Tony go here on their date?  The baby talk from this chick is killing me.  Too bad it’s having the opposite effect on our boy, Sean.  This guy gets so moony so easily.  He might be worse than the women.  Time for the family question!  She says she’s from a conservative Arabic family.  Wait, so that means she can’t kiss him?  That’s right, her family would be humiliated so there will be no kissing from Selma during these reindeer games.  Oh boy, I bet her family makes Kacie B’s look liberal.  This should make for a fun family meeting, though she won’t make it to hometowns. No part of him wants to walk into that living room.

But he is leaving tonight knowing he’s crazy about her.  He’s crazy about everyone.  How can they already see being married to each other?  You know all this fabulosity only lasts like 6 weeks then you’re fending for yourselves sans private jets, right?

Melissa:  So, now it’s dinner where they won’t eat.  Hey, I think that is Blakeley and Tony’s date camper from BP!  Better spray that bad boy down if it is.  So if she’s not allowed to date in public, why the hell is she on this show?  I mean talking about dating in public… national television is all sorts of public, sweetheart.  So do you think as soon as the cameras cut she’ll just lick him like a big old ice cream cone?  Poor Sean, hopefully there’s a nice cold shower in that Airstream for you tonight.  OMG, I’m about done with these two telling each other how much they want to kiss each other.  Make yourselves some s’mores and be done with it.  

Unbearable Tierra

Why is no one helping me up?

Why is no one helping me up?

Rachel:  Date card #2 shows up and no one wants their name to be on it because it’s the dreaded Group Date card.  The losers are:  Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra & Amanda.  Who’s pissed?  Tierra’s pissed.

Roller derby time!  That’s right, the girls are strapping on skates, helmets and taking their agressions to the ring.  Now this challenge, I’m stoked for.  These girls are all panic-stricken, but I can’t wait for the girl fights.  It’s the antidote to the kryptonite that is all that baby talk we just had to endure.  Sean thinks Amanda the Crazy and Tierra the Bitchy will be the most aggressive.  Ya think?  Amanda’s never done roller derby before, but she told the girls she did to “like totally get in their heads”.  Robin can’t even stand up on her skates which is all because of Amanda’s psyching her out.  This girl is a freak.

Also unable to stay on her feet is Sarah.  Yeah, this is kinda mean to do to her.  Sean comes over to talk to her after she takes a time out.  I’m glad he told her to screw it if she doens’t want to do it.  And I hope he means it.  But she does it anyway, which is a huge testament to her fortitude.

Back on the track, Amanda wipes out and lands flat on her face.  Karma she is swift and she is a bitch.  Amanda is having a hard time opening her mouth, which is poetic justice.  Off she goes to the hospital.  Bye bye crazy!  Now, Sean is worried about the date being too dangerous so there will be no roller derby, just a free skate.  The first girl that shoots the duck wins!  This would be a perfect time for some “On The Wings of Love”, but I’ll take me some Steve Perry; also an AM Gold classic.

Melissa:   YES!  Roller Derby is awesome!  OK, I’m sorry, this is just awesome.  It’s horrible, but I’m the girl that laughs when I see someone fall.  I blame being raised on slap-stick comedy… Jack fell in every episode of Three’s Company and I laughed every time.  I’m howling over here.  Well, until Sarah brings me down.  Yeah, that sucks but I love that AshLee rallies her to get up.  OK, I’m calling that if she does this she’s getting the rose tonight.  OK, that being said, how much camel toe are we going to be forced to see during this event?  Oh snap, a broken jaw?  Yeah, there’s a chance that gets the rose tonight.  I’m going to say it again, I really want to know what he’s drinking during these parties.  

But everything's about me...  all the time.  My daddy says so!

But everything’s about me… all the time. My daddy says so!

Rachel:  Everyone gets to go to the party tonight!  You know half the girls were supposed to go home again.  There’s a lot of relieved girls in this room.  Sean takes Sarah aside because he’s proud of her and respects her so much.  She’s embarrassed, but he says there’s no reason.  It’s amazing how Sarah can be so annoying and so sympathetic at the same time.  

Back in the “holding area” as I like to call it, the girls try to be nice to Tierra and well no.  She’s not having it.  But before it goes any further, Amanda’s back!  Sean takes her aside to make sure she’s ok.  She tells us that she plays dirty so she’s going to milk the sympathy card.  She’s scary. Have I mentioned that?

And here we go…  Robyn gets shade from Tierra because she thinks that Robyn purposely left her out of a conversation to get a rise out of her.  And it worked.  This sets her off and… Wait, did she jsut say “fustrating”?  She’s says she’s about to walk out because she doesn’t like the atmosphere here.  She wants to leave.  She’s done.  And we’re off to the races.  She storms the producers and tells them she wants to go home, which really means find Sean so he can beg her to stay.  Sean, meanwhile, is about to get his hot tub on with Lindsay.  I’m pretty sure addressing girl house drama is not on his list of things to be doing with his time at the moment. But Tierra, now fully in tears, finds him and tells him that she can’t take the fakeness.  She can’t be tortured like this.  OMG, she’s a maniac.  A full on maniac.  Let her go home, Sean.  Whoa!  He’s falling for this?  This is about 1000% more insane than Kacie B last week and that got her kicked to the curb.  He really is talking her into staying!  I cannot believe he is really playing into her temper tantrum.  So much so that he’s going to give her the rose.  You idiot.  He tells her to stay because he’s crazy about her.  {{{ Giant eye roll }}}  He’s crazy about everyone to the point that I think he’s just crazy.  Seriously.

Melissa: Man, Tierra just sucks the life out of me… Really, she makes my head hurt…. more than Amanda’s.  OK, Amanda makes my eye twitch too. I know she makes for good TV, but Tierra is a complete pain in the ass.  Please someone put her in a car and send her on her way.  If she doesn’t want to be tortured then go the hell home.  OK, my dogs are starting to get twitchy over that whining of hers.  Wait, let me check again… Week 4 right?  And you’re already tortured?  Geez Louise get out… GO!  You know I hate girls like her.  I mean I can manipulate with the best of them, but I don’t resort to tears to get what I… um, well, I wouldn’t on national television.  And it gets her the rose… shocker.

Mistake.  Big Mistake.

Leslie gets her Pretty Woman moment... almost.

Leslie gets her Pretty Woman moment… almost.

Rachel: Last date card:  Leslie H finally gets her date!  I’m glad to see her get a date, even if she does cry a lot.  And to make it even sweeter, her date card comes with a pair of diamond earrings.  Now, that’s a date card I can get down with.

Sean picks her up and off they go in a Maserati and her new diamond earrings with the rest of the girls eating her dust.  Muhahaha!  Oh it’s the Reg Bev Wil and they’re going shopping on Rodeo!  Totally a Pretty Woman date.  I want to go shopping on Rodeo.  I lived there for 15 years and never did more than walk down the street.  Leslie gets the full treatment – dress, shoes, purse.  She looks great, but I really want to do something with her hair.  Last stop, our friend Neil Lane’s boutique.  Look at that necklace!  This is a fake date that I could totally get down with.  Aw, he even is sporting a tux.  I like this.

Oh I love the Bradbury Building!  So amazing.  I hope this date goes well because I like her.  I wish she would sit up though.  She has a hard time opening up but she says her dating life is like Good Luck Chuck; the next person that dates her ex marries them.  Yeah, I’ve been there.  Uh-oh, this date is awkward at best.  Uh oh times two, divorced parents.  Red flag for Sean.  And here it is… he can’t put his finger on what’s missing, but something is.  Hmmm, I wonder.  She doesn’t coo and baby talk him.  That’s what’s missing.  But there really doesn’t seem to be anything super hot going on here.  So, he sends her packing.  Aw, I feel badly for her.  She’s seemed like she might be an actual grown-up.  As she’s being put into the get-away car, she tells Sean to be careful because there are a few women in the house that are up to no good.  Way to drop the knowledge on him on the way out, girl, but you shoulda put a name to it.  

Poor Ben Taylor now has to play to an empty house.  His manager is so getting a call after this.  And nice touch Bachelor producers with the dramatic crashing of the rose to the floor.

Melissa: Oh, I LOVE the faces on those other women when Leslie gets diamonds… Haters.  Oh girl, never give up diamonds for ANY man!!  You should know by now there’s only about a 12% success rate for these couples.  Say thank you for the diamonds and skip along!  Does she get to keep the clothes they pick out?  Yeah, I’m going to say Mr. Sean can fill out a tux.  Did Neil Lane sell his soul to the Bachelor/ette dynasty?  I was going to question if they get a bodyguard for that necklace, but I guess you don’t need one when you have a non-dinner in an empty building with an entourage of producers and crew.  I’m not feeling this connection with these two.  Neither is he.  Oh, that sucks.  She really is awesome and I loved that heads up about the other ladies.  Wait, so will he just rock to the music on his own do you think?  Raise a lighter, Sean…

Cocktail Party

Hey baby, you want some chocolate?

I’m totally awkward so I’m going to hit on your in a totally awkward way so then we can share a really awkward kiss afterwards. 

Rachel:  We’re at the cocktail party and Tierra reminds us that she’s here to win.  Nothing less than a win will do.  The fact that Tierra keeps saying she wants to “win this” says a whole lot about her character.  Side bar:  These women must have nothing better to do when they’re at home because their nail color changes every scene.  Anyway, Robyn gets some time with Sean and drops some horribly cheesy lines about him wanting some chocolate.  Embarrassing, but she gets some lip so I guess it worked.  

In the other room, there’s a powwow about whether or not to out Tierra to Sean.  Why don’t girls realize that they should never talk shit about other girls to the Bachelor?  The crazy girl never gets sent home.  In fact, if there was research done on the subject, I bet there would be data proving that they stay longer.  Vienna, Courtney, Michelle Money… need I go on?

Aw, here we go.  Robyn & Jackie just got pulled aside by Tierra.  Oh she’s fake apologizing to keep them from talking smack about her to Sean.  I can’t stand her, but that was well played.  And if the girls can’t hear the condescension in her voice, then they deserve to get played.  Oh girls, I can’t believe you are seriously buying that load of crap she just dumped on your lap.  And with that, off Tierra goes to complain to Sean some more.  He’s such an idiot.  I was really starting to like him, but this is bringing him down quite a few notches. And when Tierra goes to her confessional and talks about how she’s working it like a two-dollar hooker, I wonder if she realizes that Sean will actually see all this.

Melissa:  Yikes Robyn, that was a bad line if I’ve ever heard one.  Hang on, Tierra’s going to have a “sit down” to squash it with the ladies?  Are you kidding me?  Oh Tierra, you need to stop.  There’s no need for this silliness of yours.  Honey, girls have trouble accepting you because you’re a pain in the ass.  Where did Catherine come from?  I never see her interact with him or anyone for that matter.  I know nothing about her, I guess that’s a good thing since I don’t really dislike her.  

Rose Ceremony

RoseCeremony

Time for the Rose Ceremony…

Have roses:  Tierra (ack) and Selma

Got Roses: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, Daniella

Booted:  Leslie and Amanda

Wow, I did not see that coming.  But I can’t say I’m sad to see Amanda go.  On her way out, she says that right now she’s really miserable.  How is that different from any other time?

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  OK, Tierra needs to go.  Now.  And if she really has another accident next week and he keeps her, I’m going to go back to full disliking him.  And what’s the shit with this two nights of drama?   One a week is quite enough thank you.

Melissa:  Oh no, what is Tierra going to do without Amanda to complain to?  I’ll give her props for not crying… ish.  Huh, 2 day event?  Are you serious??  I don’t have time for this business!  

About these ads

The Bachelor Season 17, Week 3 – Cry Me A River

One Sentence Summary: Kacie B & Tierra both play their drama cards this week but only one does it successfully.

Remember ladies, all this is single and ready to mingle.

Remember ladies, all this is now single & ready to mingle.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  I surprisingly don’t have much to say going into this week’s episode.  Thus far, it’s been pretty tame.  No major drama or insanity, though I think Amanda shows promise.  I have a feeling she has a little bunny boiler in her and I’m waiting for it to really bubble to the surface.  I’m waiting and hoping.  So, I won’t bore you with my usual prattling on about what’s annoying me this week and send you straight off to Melissa who will, in turn, throw you directly in to Sean’s abs which are de rigueur to open the show at this point.

Melissa:  Really, it’s just week 3??  I swear I’ve been dealing with these nitwits longer than that.  Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me.  Maybe I got into the vino a little early today, but I swear it’s been like 5 weeks.  I’ve got it.  We heard our first L-bomb last week.  THAT’S what’s throwing me off!  Whew, thank goodness it’s not the wine!  I’d hate to have to give it up.  OK, so what do we know about tonight?  Well, we’ll have our first 2 minutes filled with Seans pecs (Lord help me the day I’m tired of looking a a man’s chest!!), and someone’s going to cry.  OK, fine, that’s a gimme but still.

Your Weekly Soft Core

That's some amazing scenery.  Oh and look, Sean's on the treadmill!

That’s some amazing scenery. Oh and look, Sean’s on the treadmill!

Rachel:  If we have to see a half-dressed Sean in the opening segments every week, can someone at least buy him a new pair of gym shorts.  All I think when I see those blue shorts is, “I sure hope he’s washed them since last week.”  Thinking about laundry is not sexy.  Granted, while I’m liking Sean more each week, I still haven’t quite gotten the memo on the sexy hotness.  So maybe I’m the only one worried more about his actual pants than what’s in them.

Anyway, Sean tells us, between his sweaty man shots, that he’s surprised by how quickly he’s developing feelings for some of the girls in the house.  He’s already digging several women.  Well yeah, it’s a smorgasbord of desperate women.  What’s not to dig?

Melissa: BOO-YAH, I called it… Sean running shirtless on the treadmill!  Not that it was that far of a stretch.  Yeah, that was SOOOO necessary.  OMG, did I just become turned off by shirtless-ness that isn’t Val Kilmer??  Sorry, I was just thinking of shirtless dudes I use to like, but now don’t want to see sans clothing.  Sorry, I digress.

Guinness Book Of Annoying Records

What's going on down there?  Looks like someone's excited for 3 minutes of kissing.

What’s going on down there? Looks like someone’s excited for 3 minutes of kissing.

Rachel:  Now that we’ve had our weekly dose of man cheese, it’s time for the first date card.  It goes to Lesley M much to Leslie H’s chagrin.  She was really excited there for a second, but is now cursing her last name.  The lucky Lesley, on the other hand, is excited but also nervous for what her date holds for her.

Off Sean & Leslie go to Hollywood Blvd to The Guinness Book of World Records Museum.  Big wamp wamp from Leslie because this isn’t what she was expecting.  You mean it’s not in a helicopter?  Oh you poor thing.  How unfair life can be.  Whap!  That’s me smacking some sense into the back of her head.

Wait, Sean’s dad is in the book?  Apparently, yes, he is.  He drove the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time.  That’s pretty cool.  But that isn’t the only reason they’re there.  It’s never that simple.  They’re there because they will be breaking their own record – Longest On-Screen Kiss.  Ah, kissing.  So, methinks he had to choose someone that he already kissed for this date, otherwise this might be awkward….. for him.  It’s clearly awkward for us no matter who the girl is.

So it’s going to take 3:16 of kissing to set the record.  Wait, is the 3:16 a secret hidden Bible message?  Are we comparing Sean to Jesus now?  Conspiracy theorists, you may begin your pontificating.  Wait, did they say whose record it is that they’re breaking?  I tried looking it up but found no information.  Well, that’s annoying.  Anyway, it’s time for us to watch these two kiss for 3+ long painful minutes.    Meanwhile, is this really a huge deal?  Haven’t you made out for more than 3 minutes before?  I’ve had some serious on-couch make-out sessions in my lifetime.  Who knew that all I needed was a video camera and YouTube and I’d have broken a world record?  Live & learn.

OK, this is the longest three minutes of my life.  Where are the editors when you need them?  And who is on boner cam?  Finally, they break the record and we can turn our eyes back to the tv screen.  While it’s the longest three minutes for me, it is the best day ever for Lesley?  Really?  Girl needs to get out more.  Sean’s pretty stoked too.  He’s excited about what he & Lesley have.  What do you have other than a framed certificate that says you kissed for 3:16?

Melissa:  Sweet Mary, why is Lesley freaking out about their date?  Oh right, because it could take their relationship to the next level.  I have to ask… is that standard now on the Bachelor?  That next level thing.  I swear I never heard such silliness until this show, and now I find myself waking in a cold sweat at 3am thinking about it.  About the only thing I need to take to the next level is some dessert to go with my pinot.  Poor Lesley isn’t thrilled with the tour of Guinness (World Records, not the beer sadly), I think.  Well, at least it’s just the two of them taking it to the next level.  Hey, isn’t that an old drinking rule?  Aw, that’s cute his dad is in the book of records.

Hope you guys popped a mint before you walked through that door to your public kissing.  I’d be kinda pissed if I weren’t offered one by a producer.  Yeah, this is strange and is making me very uncomfortable.  Why does he keep bending he backward like that?  And is her dress taped to her ass?  Seriously, I have no idea how I haven’t see London, France or Leslie’s underpants.

Love and confetti go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Love and confetti go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Rachel:  And now it’s time for dinner up on a roof.  Man, they like a dinner up on a roof.  He says that he feels like he’s known her forever.  The more he’s with her, the more he wants to spend time with her.  It’s been a total of maybe an hour at this point.  And didn’t he say that same thing last week about Desi?

Time for family talk.  Growing up for Lesley was awesome even though she was kind of a nerd.  But her parents have the best relationship, which we know is the key to Sean’s heart.  I wonder if the girls had to be vetted for family love before appearing on the show.  Oh such bliss.  They’re smitten with each other and can both see the potential of a life together. I would love to hear their one-on-one interviews after the first fight.  How do we make that happen?  Notice on Bachelor Pad how they fight mercilessly with each other, because there’s money on the line. No one’s going home for having an awkward date.

The shine on his forehead right now is epic.

Anyway, he’s blown away.  He didn’t think he’d have feelings this fast.  So she gets the rose and the kissing commences again.  And here we go with the “He’s so perfect” BS again.  As if the whole date wasn’t ridiculous enough, we have more confetti.  Imagine if you’re the poor shlub sitting there waiting to hit the confetti button.  How do you not drink yourself to sleep after that?

Melissa: OK, so for a minute I was about to ask why they were talking about high school… And then I realize she must have just graduated.  For real, that dress is taped to her ass!!  Confetti too?  Come on.

Sand, Sun & Tears

But I always win at everything!

But I always win at everything!

Rachel: Time for next date card and it’s a group date:  Kacie, Robin, Leslie H, Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsey, Daniella, Jackie & Tierra.  That’s a lot of girls, which means a lot of desperate moves for attention.

The girls arrive at the beach and Sean tells them they’re in for a day of tossing the ball around.  Oh boy, Amanda tells us that she is getting into the competitive spirit.  That should be scary.  And more abs from Sean.  But before we can start shooting a scene from 50 Shades of Sean, Chris Harrison shows up.  Has anyone ever seen Chris in anything other than a button down?  Anyway, he tells the girls that they are going to be divided into two teams and the winning team gets to spend time with Sean tonight.  The losing team goes home.  Oh I’d be screwed if I had to play volleyball.  15 years in LA and I can’t play to save my life.

Team Blue – Lindsay, Jackie, Robin, Desiree, Amanda and Kacie

Team Red – Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Tierra, Daniella and Catherine

Oh wow, both teams are terrible.  Did someone just try and kick the ball?  It’s not soccer.  Is this really the most important game of your life, Taryn?  And why do I have to check the spelling on your name every time I type it?  I’m done with her.  She can go home.

Team Blue wins the game and Team Red is near tears.  Oh wait, Kristy is actually in tears.  Yeah um, you may want to chill out.  Wait, now Leslie is crying too?  They need to be passing out Prozac every morning in the house.

Melissa:  Yipes, what’s with that headband Kristy?  Why you gotta go channeling your inner Axl Rose?  Yeah, because they didn’t gather by the matching sport-kini’s they were all given that there’d be something physical happening?  Crying??  There’s no crying in Bachelor Beach Volleyball!!  Ha, losers get loaded up into the Econovan to add insult to injury.

Yay!  This is totally not awkward being in the middle of Sean & Lindsey while she gets the rose.  Nope, not awkward at all.

This is totally not awkward being in the middle of Sean & Lindsey while she gets the rose. Nope, not awkward at all.  Having the time of my life!  Yay!

Rachel:  Time for the after-party for the winning team and it’s hanging with Sean at his house.  And you know these fools actually fantasize about living in this house, as if it’s really his.  Lindsey has the first one-on-one time and says Sean is everything she’s looking for; on paper and they have chemistry.  She wants to look across the room and see him and smile and know that they’re feeling the energy between them.  She gives everything when she falls head over heels.  Seriously, any other situation where a woman was saying this to a man on a third date – and I use the term “date” very loosely – the man would be leaving skid marks on the floor trying to get out of there… and probably his underwear too visualizing Fatal Attraction.

Next up for sloppy seconds, Desi.  I like these two together.  He loves her confidence.  She’s fun.  But she’s also spiritual and deep.  If she doesn’t mind saying so herself.

Amanda tells the girls that she intends to get the rose tonight and goes for her alone time with Sean with that goal in mind.  She says she has something super serious to discuss.  She says that he should have been looking at her when he listed everything he is looking for in a wife because she’s all those things.  If they’re married, she’ll bring a light airy feeling to the house.  Why, is she air freshener?  How is he not panic-stricken with all this insanity coming at him?  After she wows Sean with her wonderousness, she tells the girls she brought it with Sean and she’ll be looking forward to getting the rose.  Desiree basically laughs in her face.

Kacie sensing an opportunity to drop some girls a few pegs in Sean’s eyes decides to use this little tiff to her advantage.  She knows Sean doesn’t like drama, so she thinks telling him there’s drama will make her seem more attractive.  Oh Lord, so not a good idea.  He doesn’t like drama so you’re going to create drama where there is none?  Genius.  She tells Sean that she’s between a rock & a hard place. Desiree feels that there is something negative about Amanda which she is talking to Kacie about and that is making Kacie not be able to be herself.  Say what?  That puts you between a rock and no place.  It’s not like Amanda is cornering you too. Forgot that part of the plan, eh?  Sean wants to know why she’s saying something to him.  Sensing that she didn’t play this right, she starts babbling.  Sean clearly is not falling for this and can’t quite figure out why their drama, if it even exists, is affecting her.  He wants her to just be Kacie B and not a crazy person.  Finally, a bachelor that isn’t interested in playing into the drama and actually calls it out.  Another notch of the flagpole for Sean on my likability meter.

As they head back to join the rest of the girls, Kacie is freaking out because she knows she just screwed up.  Big time.  Yeah, you did.  And with that Lindsey gets the rose.

Melissa:  OMG, look, they are eating!  It’s such an elusive site to watch someone actually put food in their mouth on this show.  What’s up there Amanda… you’re kinda strange and it’s freaking me out.  I agree with Sean, Kacie.  Why the hell are you going this route?  Of course it’s not what you expected to happen.  You sound like a loon.

Boom Goes The Dynamite.

OMG, I just wanted sympathy, not a stretcher.  Though you're cute, Mr. Paramedic.

OMG, I just wanted sympathy, not a stretcher. Though you’re cute, Mr. Paramedic.


Rachel: Last date card:  Tierra reads it and tells the ladies that AshLee and Selma are going on a date… Nope, just kidding.  It’s just AshLee that’s going.  Sarah thinks that’s so not cool.  Oh Lord, relax.  It’s a joke.

AshLee is waiting for her date to start when there is a huge commotion in the hall.  That commotion would be Tierra “falling” down the stairs just moments before Sean walks in the door.  What amazing timing!  Well, that’s one way to get attention.  The paramedics also show up and put her in a neck brace.  She doesn’t want to go to the hospital though.  She just wants to be left alone because this is so stupid.  It’s not necessary and she just wants to be let out of the brace.  She tells us all this in the whiniest voice I’ve heard from anyone over the age of 4.   Yeah, of course you don’t want to go to the hospital because you didn’t really fall.  AshLee can see through her game.  We all can.  Well, we all minus Sean who follows her outside to make sure she’s OK.  Not shockingly, she is doing just fine. One-on-one time achieved.  Yo Kacie, this is how you work some sympathy.  You know she wishes she had thrown herself down the hillside last night.

Melissa:  Wait, Tierra is the one who fell?  Did I not know that?  HA, now it makes sense… Several concussions huh, Sean?  Anyway, I’m borderline in agreement with the house chicas that Tierra is playing.

Killing Me Softly

The most heartwarming date ever on the Bachelor and we're not talking about Sean & AshLee.

The most heartwarming date ever on the Bachelor and we’re not talking about Sean & AshLee.

Rachel:  Finally AshLee gets her date.  Sean says today’s date will be testing to see if she has a kind, compassionate heart.  And she also has to act like a big kid which means she can let loose.  I find these character tests so demeaning.  Yes, this show in and of itself is demeaning, but this is a new special kind of demeaning.  Let’s put you in awkward or scary situations and make you prove your moral character.  Feh.

AshLee and Sean pull up to an amusement park where they will be the only two guests the whole day.  SHUT UP!  They get Magic Mountain all to themselves for the entire day??? This is my dream date.  Actually, it turns out that they will be sharing their date with two other people, Emily & Briana, who suffer from chronic illnesses.  The two met online through the Starlight Foundation and are best friends but have never met in person… until today.  Seriously, this is a test?  How could anyone not want to include these kids?  You’d have to be completely dead inside (Courtney) to not be moved by this.  It’s really sweet.  I might be a little misty over here.  Briana shows up first.  Then Emily shows up and it’s amazing to watch them together.  OK, now I’m full-on crying.  Killing me.  Again, you’d have to be a total asshole to not be moved on this date.  After a day of roller coasters and games, they are treated to a special concert by the Eli Brown Band.

Time for the romance part of the date.  You didn’t think that was it, did you?  Sean can’t make out with AshLee in front of the girls.  AshLee wants to tell Sean about her upbringing but doesn’t want to overwhelm him on the first date.  She says she’d like to have children but also to adopt children that are older.  He’d be into it.  Adoption is in his heart.  Of course it is.  She tells him she was adopted at 6 and was abused in a foster home.  She is pretty amazingly well-sorted about her situation, I have to say… even though I still think there’s “No wire hangers ever” potential in there.  She says your family is what holds you together.  Then she tells the story of meeting her adopted parents and their promise to say “I love you” every day.  This is like the Holy Grail of family stories for Sean. He’s impressed and beaming and she gets the rose.  He has the highest hopes for her and them.  Boy, he’s optimistic about a lot of women.  Wait, did she just say she’s falling in love with him?  It was a roller coaster and that date was brought to you by the producers of the Bachelor.  Deep breath, girlfriend.

Is it me or does he look like a terrible kisser?  I think he needs a few more lessons from Arie.  I need a few lessons from Arie.  How do we make that happen?

Melissa:  At last, AshLee gets her date.  Unfortunately, she had to get her hair all mussed in the Jeep first.  You’d think they would have given her a hair band.  DAMN you Sean… why you gotta get me in the soft underbelly taking Starlight kids on your date?  BASTARD.  Now I have to like you.  I’m effing crying over here!  I love this date.  I really do.  I don’t know if it was Briana or Emily who said she’s never been to a concert, but the water works are full flowing right now.  Seriously, stick a fork in me… I’m done.  Now we’re going to talk about adoption and her abuse in foster care.  Come on producers, why?  My eyes are going to be so puffy by the rose ceremony that I’m not even going to be able to see anything.  I kind of like AshLee. I think she’s going to be one of my front runners.  Well, let’s not let her go all crazy in the next 2 weeks and I’ll see if I still like her.

Cocktail Party

Sean gets sloppy seconds from a dog.

Sean gets sloppy seconds from a dog.

Rachel:  Oh boy, time for the Cocktail Party.  Let the jockeying for time begin. There are a lot of girls that didn’t get air time this week so it’s going to be a busy night for Sean.  He knows he has some serious work to do, but he lets them know that his heart is still wide open.  He’s probably be a better kisser if his mouth was wide open too.

First up, Sarah.  He has a surprise for her.  He feels badly that she wasn’t on a date this week so he brings in a limo with her dog Leo in the back seat.  She thought she was going home and the whining that was coming from her mouth upon seeing the limo would have made me send her home… and keep the dog in her place.  That was actually really sweet of Sean.

Wait, why is Tierra up next when she already got her time?  That counted, my friends.  And here goes Tierra with her bitching and moaning again about the process.  Send her home!  He’s already over her and you can see him looking past her for the next girl.  That girl is Des who just wanted to kiss him again.  But the cute moment lasts about a nanosecond because Tierra thinks she deserved more time and comes back because she wasn’t done.  She’s going all Kacie B on him.  Then Lesley show up for some time just to piss off Tierra until Robin steals him which is interrupted by Leslie.  And all this time Des is sitting and waiting for Sean to come back.  This reduces her to tears because she doesn’t play this game.  Uh, you’re on the show.  You’re playing the game.  Wow, it’s a revolving door of women.

Now it’s Kacie B’s turn to salvage whatever chances she has to stay.  Holy short dress.  As my friend Mareli so brilliantly put it, the dress barely covers the waterline.  Ha!  Kacie is having a hard time, but she apologizes.  She’s really there for Sean.  Just as Sean starts to say that he feels like they took a couple steps back this week, AshLee & Selma show up & steal Sean.  Yipes.  Looks like you stepped right back into the Friend Zone… and not even the Really Good Friend Zone.  Not good.

Melissa:  Hang on now, a special surprise for Sarah?  Oh stop, it’s her dog!  That’s so awesome of him.  That’s a stinking cute dog too.  I love a French Bulldog and literally laughed out loud with her dog and the squeaky ball as they were hugging.  Wait, is Tierra getting pissed for getting interrupted during her time with Sean?  Um, have you not watched the show?  I love that the girls “hate this game”.  Come on, ladies.  This is how it works.

Rose Ceremony

I think you've probably had enough embarrassment tonight so I'm pulling the ripcord now.

I think you’ve probably had enough embarrassment tonight so I’m pulling the ripcord now.

Time for the Rose Ceremony…

Have roses:  Lesley, Lindsey & AshLee

Well first, we have to have a Kacie B side bar.  Sean walks her outside with a rose in hand.  This confuses the girls who are left behind to figure out what’s going on.  Outside, Sean tells Kacie that they hit it off in NYC and he thought they might be able to move out of the friend zone.  Not so much.  He doesn’t feel a romantic connection to her, but he has enough respect for her to not make her sit through a rose ceremony.  That’s nice of him.  Not surprising that she’s getting the boot.

He puts Kacie in the limo and goes back inside to tell the girls that he owed it to Kacie to see if there was something there romantically.  There isn’t, so it was the right thing to do to send her home. He feels good about his decision.  Kacie, on the other hand, is leaving with regrets.

Back to the roses:

Staying:  Tierra, Leslie H, Catherine, Daniella, Robin, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, Desiree

Booted:  Kacie, Kristy, Taryn

Taryn & Kristy leave, although it really looked like Taryn walked into a closet.  Kristy cries, again, and says she is scared she won’t have a another chance to find love.  Your chance for love? You’re 25! STFU. Come hang out here, crazy, and I’ll show you what waiting for love looks like.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Another week of drama but another week I like Sean a little more.  This is unexpected.

Melissa: Anyone else hear Bettle Middler every time there’s a Rose Ceremony or is it just me? Pretty lame even given the L-bomb in the second episode.  However, you know we Bitches love the outtakes! Uncle Drunkle outtakes, now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!

The Bachelor Season 17, Week 2 – Free Fall For Love

One Sentence Summary: It’s week 2, so someone must already be in love.

I'm a model.  This is all I need to do... smile.  Constantly.

I’m a model. This is all I need to do… smile. Constantly.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh my darlings, you know how I rarely like to admit to any wrongdoing… and when I’m forced to, it’s usually under the guise of having had too much wine.  Tonight I’m coming to you with glass of wine in hand, but still sober enough to feel the pain that comes with the admission I’m about to make.  Sigh… I think I might have been wrong about Sean.  Now, before your tongues start wagging with a lot of “I told you sos”, let me ‘splain myself.  I still am not in the camp of thinking he’s hot.  Let’s not get crazy.  But I’m starting to think he might not be as much of a jerk as I had originally thought.  He seems much more down to earth this season.  Granted, it’s week 2 and he hasn’t made human soup with various and sundry women in the hot tub yet.  So, I am reserving the right to change my mind back should Mr. Perfect return.  That being said, I can’t wait to see what these bananas have in store for us this week.

Melissa:  Oh boy friends, the craziness is just getting started.  I can feel it in my bones.  Of course, that might just be withdrawals from not enough wine today.  But you know these ladies are hook, line and sinker “falling in love” with Sean already.  Have we set the over / under on the first L-bomb?  My money is on Week 4?

Fogging Up Mirrors

If this doesn't work out, Sean has a career in Skinemax flicks.

Oh yeah, post-Bachelor Skinemax contract is so happening.

Rachel:  Well, I can see what we’re in for every week for the first 5 minutes of the show.  Sean in the shower.  Sean in the gym.  Sean picking melons shirtless.  Sean helping old ladies across the street shirtless.  Yes, the obligatory ab shots are here and we probably should get used to it.  Damn you, 50 Shades of Grey for getting women all over America hot & bothered and clamoring for half naked men in steamy showers.  I do think we might have to make a drinking game out of this.

Melissa:  Seriously, I mean you all know I loves me a half nekkid man, but really do I need to be in the shower with Sean?  How awkward is that planning session?  “Yeah Sean (ala Bill Lumbergh), we’re going to need you to strip down and get into the shower and pretend to have deep musings rolling through your head.”  Can we leave a little to the imagination please?

And I’m Freeee, Free Fallin’

Did anyone else notice the shirtless man on the balcony below?  Think he's challenging Sean to an ab-off?

Did anyone else notice the shirtless man on the balcony below? Think he’s challenging Sean to an ab-off?  Not now, dude.

Rachel:  The games are officially beginning as Chris Harrison drops off the first coveted date card.  Who will get the first date and set the tone for this season?  Sarah gets the first one-on-one.  Yay!  I like Sarah.  How many girls are thinking it’s because she has one arm?  That would be all of them.  I hope no one is asshole enough to say it out loud, but it’s definitely rolling through their vacant heads.  I’d say brains, but you know…

In comes Sean in a helicopter to pick Sarah up and leave the other women in her dust, literally and figuratively.  Sarah thinks she’s in a fairy tale.  Uh, it’s been five minutes and you’re flying over LA, not Greece.  Walk it down a notch there lady.  Sean’s feeling pretty good about Sarah right out of the gate as well and says she doesn’t have to explain her arm because she’s gorgeous.  So if she were a dog, she’d have to really work double time to make that work for her?  Well, thank God for small miracles.

Sean and Sarah land on the top of a building and Sean tells her there is champagne waiting… 300 feet below them.  They’re going to have to free fall to the street below to enjoy it.  Now, I like me some champers more than the average bear, but I’m not sure I love it 300 ft down.  Actually, I know for certain that I don’t like it enough to throw myself off a building.  But you know, this isn’t about champagne (which is their first mistake).  This is about proving that Sarah trusts Sean enough.  Yes, if you want to show someone you trust them, let them almost kill you.  Look, I know we’re playing by reality TV rules here, but I’m pretty sure that just because some producer vetted Sean that doesn’t make him trustworthy enough to face death on date 1.

But this is the Bachelor so off they go, hurtling toward the earth all in the name of love.  Imagine if you’re sitting at your desk at work and that shit goes flying past your window.  Needless to say, they survive and are greeted by a bottle of champagne that had better be French and come with a side of caviar and fromage.  Did she really just say that she’s no longer scared of anything because of this experience?  I’m gonna assume your adrenaline is pumping so hard right now that you don’t know what you’re saying, because you know what, I’ve jumped out of an airplane and shit still scares me.

Melissa:  Now, Chris gets to earn his paycheck by building the ladies up to thinking Sean’s wife is in this motley mix.

Sarah gets the first date and the claws will soon follow.  Ah yes, the obligatory helicopter pick-up!!  Oh the wings of Love… Up and above the clouds… No, I can’t help myself folks, my partner has brainwashed me!!  So there those crazy kids go while all the ladies shield their eyes from the wind… And hide their tears.  You know someone is going to be crying soon because she wasn’t picked.

OK, so I completely ignored Sarah’s deep thoughts because I was trying to figure out how I can ask abc for a drink ticker on the page.  That way you know who to watch out for at the cocktail hour.  Yes, completely random… I can’t control the tilt-a-whirl that is my thought process.  Here’s the thing, why must they always be on a roof top hurtling to their death?  My response would be “HELL NO!!”  Don’t get me wrong, depending on the bottle of bubbly I might be willing to jump down a stair or two, but I’m thinking I’d skip the free-fall and hail a cab to a local watering hole.  It saves me from the embarrassing moment of landing covered in my own vomit… After I tinkled my pants of course.  Again, I don’t know what this jumping from a perfectly safe roof has to do with “finding love” – kids today.  At least she got her bubbly at the bottom.

i wonder how long she can keep talking before she needs to take a breath?

i wonder how long she can keep talking before she needs to take a breath?

Rachel:  Time for the evening part of the date and more drinking.  Have they eaten today?  Or are we still playing by Emily rules?  At least she pretended to let her men eat. Granted, Sarah hasn’t stopped talking long enough to chew food anyhow.  She tells Sean that being able to free fall today was a huge accomplishment for her emotionally and physically.  When she was younger, she tried to go zip-lining with her dad but was denied by the park because she was a safety risk.  OK, that’s a bummer of a story.   I’ll give her that, though I have a feeling we’ll be in for a lot of these stories.  But again, I’ll give her this one before I go all snarky and eye rolly.  Oh my, I think she may say “like” as much as Jef did.  And she talks like a Kardashian.  Everything sounds like a question; another pox on young women that the Kardashians have gifted us.  But she gets the rose, so all is good.  Well, all but that kiss.  That looks so awkward and not hot.  But I’ve been watching Gossip Girl on Netflix all week, so I may be tainted from all the smoking hot romps on that show.  Those kids love to rip off really expensive clothes and have sex everywhere but in a bed.  But we’re not here to discuss Blair & Serena.

Melissa:  OK, so she didn’t get to ride the zip line so she needs a strong man to handle things for her?  Are you kidding me?  For real, did a parent actually tell their daughter that?  I’m so anti right now.  Who tells their daughter she better find a man to take care of her?  Well, at least Sean is strong and she got her rose, AND we have our first L-bomb!  Holy crap, how badly does that throw off the Vegas odds??

Group Love

Kristy shows Sean her personality.

Kristy shows Sean her personality.

Rachel:  Another date card arrives and the girls are hoping they’re NOT on this one as it’s a group date.  And the losers are:  Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine, Robin, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Tierra & Kacie B. Kristy says she has to dress “rocket” for this date.  WTF does that mean?  Oh I have to fix Yoga Katie’s hair.  It’s killing me and I just want to chase her down with my flat iron.

But before I can tame the tresses, the ladies are whisked off to a mansion where they will each take part in a Harlequin Romance photo shoot with Sean.  The winner will be featured with him on three book covers.  Are they really going all Fabio on us?  Sean should have to wear a Fabio wig.  That would be awesome.  Someone just called Kristy out for having extensions!  Oh no!  Call the fashion police!  I thought extensions were just assumed at this point.  OK, I’m not sure why they’re hating on Tierra so much.  There are way more annoying girls there.

The photos start and Miss Lesley is far from conservative Washington today.  She plays the part of a sexy cowgirl and ropes herself a kiss from her cowboy.  There are some vampire scenes and Romeo & Juliet on the balcony.  Sean & Tierra look like they’re going to the prom but she also manages to steal a little lip from our leading man.  Then there’s Kristy and she takes the idea of “romance” to a new level.  Uh, Kristy… it’s not porn, though she’s a great candidate to co-star with Sean on Skinemax.  And the model takes it.  She gets the cover deal, but will she get the date rose?

Melissa: Here’s what I can’t stand… since you were asking…  All these women want a man to save them?  WTF is up with that?  OK, maybe not all, but I’ve heard that comment twice in less than a half an hour.  Girl, save yourself.  Plus, do we need to do it Harlequin style?  Has anyone actually read a Harlequin Romance?  I mean I realize there are lots of folks who do because they’ve been around for years, but who are you?  Maybe I need to look one up & give it a try.  I love the cattiness that comes out on the group dates.  That being said, I’m with the ladies who can’t stand Tierra as neither can I the more she talks.  So Lesley makes an impression on Sean because she’s half naked?  Is that it Sean?  Tierra needs to take it down a notch.  No sorry, Kristy needs to take it down a notch.  Oh I’m mistaken, she kicked it up enough to score a book deal.

I don't think he's ready for this jelly... and by jelly, I mean hair... and by hair, I mean rat's nest.

I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly… and by jelly, I mean hair… and by hair, I mean rat’s nest.  Namaste.

Rachel:  Time for the after-party where the ladies get to jockey for Sean’s attention.  I seriously don’t know how they do it.  I think I’m too lazy to fight for attention.  I can barely muster the energy to reply to emails on the dating site I am reluctantly on.  But that sad story is for another day…  I feel like Kacie B might be going home tonight if she doesn’t step it up.  She’s just lurking around the background.  Get in the game, woman.  You’re now a professional bachelorette.  Start acting like one.  I love that her “profession” when they throw up her stats is “Ben’s Season”.

But it’s Lesley that gets the first one-on-one time.  Uh, can someone turn on a light?  Why are we watching them sit in the dark?  Ok, when Lesley says to Sean that it’s embarrassing that she’s here for love,  she’s partially right.  It’s just embarrassing that you’re there in general.  Lesley wants to kiss Sean and Sean wants to kiss Lesley but he isn’t getting the vibe from her.  Oh this is so awkward… did she just say she’s having a “grand time?”  Wow, no game.  No game at all.  Is she the Doug of the show?  But after she lets Sean leave her lip gloss in pristine condition, she decides she does not want to be Doug so she goes back in for the kiss.  And gets it.

Kacie finally gets herself in the game with some alone time with Sean.  She says they hung out a bit when they were doing some public appearances together.  Word on the street says they dated but it didn’t go anywhere.  But Sean says he totally missed the signals Kacie was throwing his way.  Kacie thinks it’s because he’s a such a gentleman that he misses when a woman is interested.  Yeah, that must be it.  He keeps saying that he’s excited that she’s here but that’s about all he says.  Oh sorry, he also says she’s in the friend zone, but she has potential to move out.  Interesting.  I think it’s easier for girls to move out of the friend zone with guys than visa versa, but either way it ain’t easy once you get stuck there.

The other women queue up for some Sean time and Catherine tells him that she’s vegan but she loves the beef.  Is that a euphemism?  I’m sure Sean loves that she loves “the beef.”  Seriously, this episode is bordering on soft-core.  Oh this Selma works my nerves.  She can go.  Back at the group, Tierra is moping.  And starving.  And one of those high-maintenance girls that I don’t understand how men find attractive.  You know the kind that start pouting and whining the moment they don’t get their way.  But here Sean is trying to cheer her up.   How do these men not yet understand that if you are having to placate a girl from day 1 it means she’s probably pissing off the entire house?

Seems our resident yogi, Katie, isn’t feeling the competitive spirit.  She thought when they said there would be doggy style it was of the downward facing nature. Now that she knows better, she tells Sean this isn’t for her & is going to go home. Note that he didn’t even try and make her stay.

It’s time for the date rose and Sean surprises everyone when Kacie gets it. I guess she’s officially out of the friend zone.  Well, maybe almost out.  When he slips her some tongue, she’ll be officially out.  Maybe.

Melissa:  Smart girl Lesley, get in there and get your first post-shoot kiss before he needs to hit the Listerine bottle.  Poor, Kacie B. was put in the friend zone!  So how many times will they let old contestants come back to the show?  I’m thinking if there was a spark before neither would be here right now.  Part of me thinks he’s just being nice but really doesn’t want her there because he wasn’t feeling it the first time around.  I mean go ahead and go through the motions, but let’s be honest, there’s a reason they didn’t hook up before this.

Catherine… Did I miss her in the first episode?  Really Tierra is there for him because of seeing him on Emily’s season?  I hate to put my Captain Obvious cape on, but didn’t she find out who it was when she was in her casting call?  So technically she went there looking for a man before she knew it was Sean.  Right?  So, I can legally call shenanigans here.

Poor Katie is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to compete.  Um really, have you never watched a single episode of this show?  What did you think it was going to be like, playing with puppies?  I love when the ladies share their deep thoughts of how it’s really important to be there for the right reason and open to love.  What BS!  So Kacie B gets to gloat with her rose and Tierra gets wallow in her bitterness.  Well played.

Punk’d 

Boy I hope abc's insurance policy covers priceless works of hideous art.

Boy, I hope abc’s insurance policy covers priceless works of hideous art.


Rachel:  Time for date card 3 and it’s a one-on-one for Desiree.  I think I might like her.  At least, I don’t hate her yet.  Same thing on this show.  Tonight, Sean is taking her to the Bachelor art gallery.  I think you already know you’re heading for a joke the moment you hear “Bachelor” and “art” in the same sentence.  But we’ll play along as he is told that Desi is going to be left alone with a priceless piece of art that is going to fall over & break.  When this happens, we’ll all be able to see what kind of character she has.  Oh how I love that they test these women for moral righteousness on a show where they make women compete with each other for a man’s affection.  But we’re playing along so here we go…   Honestly, I think I’d pee myself if I broke a priceless piece of art.  I almost took out a piece of art at the Pompidou in Paris & near died.  It’s a horrifying feeling.  Thankfully my embarrassment was limited to a scream that sounded a lot like Albert from The Birdcage.

Sean is called away by a “producer” and leaves Desiree alone with the priceless art.  Sean & Chris watch from backstage & I half expected to see Chris in an Ashton Kutcher trucker hat.  Desi, you’ve been Punk’d!  I do like that Sean feels badly for doing this to her.  And down goes the tacky piece of art they were trying to pretend cost over $1MM.  Girl, hold your shit together.  And she does.  Actually, she seems to know something’s going on because she’s a little too calm.  If you really think you broke art, you immediately go into panic mode.  At least, I would.  But she doesn’t get angry or start crying so she passes the character test and can now have dinner.  So she gets fed because she took it so well?  Well, if that’s what it takes to eat on this show, then so be it.

Off they go back to his pad for some steak and veggies.  No part of him made that food.  Didn’t happen.  She tells Sean how amazing her family is and how much she loves them.  Big gold star for her.  This girl has all the right answers.  So what’s the crazy here?  All girls have their crazy.  Trying to figure out hers.

And we have our first hot tub scene of the season.  Wow, only took a week.  Making quick work of it, Sean.  OK what’s with the gurgling & burping hot tub?  Come on, producers.  Get on the ball.  Sean wants to know if she wants to know a secret.  I really thought he just asked her if she wants a cigarette.  Hey, that gurgling is loud.  Anyway, they both can’t believe how comfortable they are together so quickly which leads to a rose and some make-out time in the pool.  Yeah, her star is rising in my world… and Sean’s.

Melissa:  Desiree gets the third date and is giddy with excitement.  That’s right, Sean’s a prankster.  I loved the prank on Ems!  I think that’s when things turned and I started to like Sean.  Poor Desiree is going to shit herself though.  Why does she look like she’s about to crack up after it falls on the floor?  Who doesn’t start crying in that situation?  OK, anyone else feel like she was completely on to that whole thing?  Clearly she’s not going to win any acting awards any time soon.  Um, so where did that steak come from?  Anyone?  Anyone?  I mean not that either of them will eat it, so I guess it could just be photo shoot prop food that has been sitting in the kitchen.  And where did the bikini come from?  Do the ladies just toss one in their purse or do they just send it over to the house?

Cocktail Party

I'm sorry.  Were you addressing me?

I’m going to kill one of these bitches before the night is out.

Rachel: Time for the pre-rose cocktail party.  Sean says he’s already ready to send two women home.  Does that mean he’s going to go rogue again and not wait until the rose ceremony?  No, it’s seems he’s going to play by the rules this week and starts with Lindsay.  Oh Lindsay, the wedding dress was a better choice than that horridness you’re wearing.  Yipes.  Her shiny face matches his.  But all is forgiven as soon as she starts mooning over her amazing family.  So pretty much any girl that has a solid family is in.  “My parents are still married” is Sean’s aphrodisiac.  He does seem earnest though.  Dammit Sean, why are you making me like you???  Meanwhile, I kinda want Lindsay to last so we can meet the army general daddy and see what he has to say about this.  He might prove scarier than Kacie B’s parents.

Back in the house, Amanda seems to have forgotten to take her meds today.  She’s on the couch and not interested in talking to anyone in the house… even when asked a direct question.  Doesn’t even pretend to hear them.  I’m skerred of her.  What’s that all about?

But we’ll have to find out another time because it’s time to talk race with the white boy.  This should be fun.  Let me get some more wine.  Robyn asks him the question we’re all asking ourselves… well, at least that I’m asking.  Is Sean really open to dating women of other races & ethnicities?  Seems both Robyn & I assumed that Sean went for white girls that are blonde.  I mean have you seen his family?  But I will have to eat crow tonight (which is not that bad when washed down with wine), because not only is Sean open, his last girlfriend was African American.  OK, this dude is blowing my mind right now.  I had no idea he had this much depth.  Who was the guy that showed up on Emily’s season?  I like this guy so much better.  I give him a tip of the hat.  And he when he tells Selma that he speaks Farsi I almost pass out right in my wine.  He was only joking which saves both my night and my wine.

And we’re back to scary Amanda who has transformed into sweet giggly Amanda now that Sean has shown up.  That is seriously frightening.  It’s like someone turned on her power pack and she came to life.  Why don’t girls get that part of life is getting along with other people, including other women?  I get that you’re not there to be their friends, but do you have to be there to be an asshole?

Melissa:  So for the pre-rose cocktail party, what do you think he drinks?  Clearly he’s keeping his wits so there can’t be any chug-a-lug happening on his end.  But is it staged to look like a drink?  Sorry, totally went on a tangent there and missed half of Lindsey The Bride’s conversation.  What’s with the sour puss there, Amanda?  We know you aren’t really there to make friends, but geez, would it kill you to crack a smile?  OK, Sean is kinda winning me over with not having a type and being more open to a person’s personality than what they look like.  Not that any of the women there are actually unattractive physically.

Rose Ceremony

RoseCeremony17.2

I wonder how many roses are there. I can’t count without Chris’s help.

The three lovely ladies already holding roses:  Sarah, Kacie B & Desiree

The rose call: AshLee, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, Amanda

Already gone:  Yoga Katie

Going home:  Brooke & Diana

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Amanda stays and the rest of the women sleep with one eye open.

Melissa: Anyone else hear Bettle Middler every time there’s a Rose Ceremony or is it just me? Pretty lame even given the L-bomb in the second episode.  However, you know we Bitches love the outtakes! Uncle Drunkle outtakes, now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!

The Bachelor Week 1 – Sean Lowe It Starts…

Here he is.  Mr. America.

Here he is. Mr. Perfect.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Remember when the Bachelor used to be hot?  Me neither.  It’s been that long.  In fact, I have a hard time remembering the last Bachelor to grace our screen that I’d have any interest in sharing my hot tub with.  And it’s not going to change tonight for me.  I know I’m among the few that doesn’t think that Sean is dreamy, and it isn’t changing any time soon.  And it’s more than just the unyielding shine that emanates from his forehead that I find unattractive. It’s also how he spoke about his exes to Emily all last season.  He didn’t come right out and bag on them, but if you listened to what he was really saying it was not very flattering.  And let me stop you before you go on a rant on me about how he just wasn’t feeling them and that happens in a lot of relationships.  I’ll agree that that’s true.  However, there was zero sensitivity to what the girls went through.  It was all “me me me” which made me all “ack ack ack”.  I know he said losing Emily was his first broken heart and that opened his eyes a lot.  So maybe that new humility he talked about on the reunion show stuck, but I’m not feeling super hopeful.  Alright, let’s get this over with.

Melissa:  <sigh> It’s that time of year again when abc does its best to round up the most ridiculous set of Mensa cast-offs the world has seen since… Well, last season.  This should be good though.  Sean Lowe is back, has shaken off the Emily ju-ju and is ready for action.  I guess seeing how that all played out, he’s pretty glad he’s the one calling the shots instead of chasing Em down various streets around the world.  Anywho, let’s bring on the bitches for a fun-filled night of innuendos, wine, and tears – and then we’ll get to cocktail time at the Bachelor house.  Oh, and for those of you playing at home, abc created a cheat sheet.  Thanks, abc.  You’re a life saver!  Personally I’m good with numbering them until week 5 when I can actually tell them apart.

Let’s Get The Party Started

Just a man and his boulders.

Just a man and his boulders.

Melissa:  Here we go… Let’s meet our new bachelor!  It’s Sean’s second chance at love this season!  Well, at least we get some eye candy shirtless shots as we go through everything we already know about Sean & his journey to the Bachelor, because we all know this bitch right here doesn’t hate a man with a nice body.  Oy, and the Ems montage of heartbreak.  Oh the tragedy of it all.  Yeah, again I’m thinking you’re better off, my friend.  Yes, heartbreak and torture trying to get over Emily, but the love of his family has rallied him back.  At least he’s rocking some Chucks… He gets some props there.  I love these staged “casual” scenes of Sean watching a couple getting their wedding pictures taken & then going off on his shirtless rock climbing adventure.  It’s almost comical.  No, it is comical.

Rachel:  Oh, I’m already annoyed with the previews of the season.  And no one deserves love more than Sean?  Hmmm… I doubt that.  I have a feeling you could find potentially one or two people on this planet more deserving of a second chance at love.

I see the budgets have gone down since Princess Emily’s season.  Sean gets a Jeep.  Emily gets a Maserati.  OK, I know the women loves themselves a little eye candy with the shirtless pics, but do we need to get close enough to the pecs that I can count the number of hairs?  The answer would be no.

Aaaaaaand here we go…. reliving the pain that is Emily.  And by pain, I mean mine.  And do I have to watch them mack down again?  This answer would also be no.  Mr. Perfect wasn’t perfect enough.  Yeah yeah, we get it.

But God has another plan for him.  Yes, to star on the Bachelor.  Clearly, that’s what God wants.  Did he just call himself Seanie?  I mean the kids are cute and we get the message that he’s a great guy, but Seanie is pushing it.

Oh no!  The weird bleached jeans again!  Why?  Why are you still wearing those?  Didn’t you hear the howls of pain last season?  Throw them into the ocean with the stones you’re so casually skipping.  And I’m about done with the gratuitous shirtless shots.  I get that I’m in for about 1,000 more before this season ends, but for the love of all that’s holy, enough.  Apparently, where one lacks in personality, one makes up in abs.

The Boys are Back In Town

Fine, I'll kiss you, but no tongue!

Fine, I’ll kiss you, but no tongue!

Melissa:  Really, so now we have to hang out at the house with Sean?  What’s with the whole hanging out at the house thing with these folks?  Wow, and Arie stops by to say hi to his old buddy.  Um, so how is it that they are so close but haven’t seen each other since Curacao?  Yeah, the whole falling in love with the same girl and both of them getting dumped by her is a bit odd.  Ah, but it makes a friendship so strong.  OK, now this whole “how are you going to offer the roses to the girls?” conversation is just sheer silliness.  Come on people.  Sweet Mary are we really going for kissing tips?  Are we back in high school?  What a happy little bromance.  Anyone else feeling like they just want to romp around in the pool together then head out to dinner for old times sake?

Rachel:  Is he actually slicing up strawberries for a snack?  How metrosexual of him.  Oh hello, Arie.  So lovely to see you.  For reals.  And hopefully he’s no longer seeing Courtney.  That is truly disappointing.  (Side note:  Just read that he & Courtney are over!  Woo!)  Watching yourself get dumped was healthy for you?  Alrighty then.  This is so badly contrived.  Why are you wasting my time with this?  This conversation about how to break up with the women is not helping either of them not sound like total douches either.  Nor is the kissing conversation.  Though I’d pay serious amounts of cash if Arie broke out into a little Summer Lovin’ right about now.

Meet the Crew

I'm Chris Harrison.  I'm here to explain what you just saw & help you count to one.

I’m Chris Harrison. I’m here to explain what you just saw & help you count to one.

Melissa:  Can we just cut to the house and get this started?  Yeah, hi Chris… glad to see you’re still working-ish for that paycheck.  Thanks for the verbal recap of the video we just watched.  Oh, it’s the ladies that rated a “special” intro…

Rachel:  Hello Chris Harrison.  Nice to see you again.  I see you are still helping us understand everything we just watched in case we couldn’t process it on our own.

Heeeere's Desi!

Heeeere’s Desi!

Desiree Hartsock- the bridal stylist from Cali just looking for her prince charming.

Melissa:  OK, so does she spend her days just trying on dresses?  According to the cheat sheet her favorite book is Eat, Pray, Love.

Rachel:  She’s cute.  She has the potential to be nuts.  But she’s cute.

Do you people see what I deal with every day?

Do you people see what I deal with every day?

Tierra LiCausi – the leasing consultant from Denver.

Melissa:  She’s looking for a family and a best friend and is ready to try again, Unfortunately, that piercing shrill scream upon hearing Sean’s name gave me an instant headache… Thanks sweetie, you’re at the bottom of my list.  Oh, she’s going to bring home a new daddy for her dog.  OY!!

Rachel:  Oh boy, here comes the one who’s heart has been broken and will talk about it incessantly.  She just broke my eardrums with that shriek.  It’s Sean Lowe.  Not Rob Lowe.

Who's cooler than me?  Everyone.

Who’s cooler than me?

Robyn Howard – Hey she’s an oilfield account manager.

Melissa:  Hang on, this one might be the token smart girl… who gets sent home the first night.  Oh, she totally had me until the heart hands.  Fine, call me jaded and cold hearted.  I think it’s dumb.

Rachel:  Our token lady of color.  Someday one of our Bachelor/Bachelorettes will actually be open to dating outside their own race.  Dare to dream.

Hi, I'm the token mom.

Hi, I’m the token mom.

Diana Weeks Willardson - the salon owner from Utah.

Melissa:  Oh, at least we know she’ll always have awesome hair.  Ah, the one with kids.  Every show has to have one – or two.  I’ll save my soapbox rant for later.  Yeah, and the cheat sheet says she wants to be Taylor Swift <eye roll>.

Rachel:  Oh the single mom.  Yes, we have to have one of them too.

Please don't let Sean be a dick.  Please don't let Sean be a dick.

Please don’t let Sean be a dick. Please don’t let Sean be a dick.

Sarah Herron – the average advertising girl who is crazy about her career.

Melissa:  OH, she was born with one arm.  Oh, you’ve skyrocketed to the number one spot as far as I’m concerned.  That and your little French bulldog helps too.

Rachel: OMG, that fake business call was the worst acting job of a bachelorette ever.  But the one-arm situation could be interesting.  We’ll see just how shallow our Bachelor is.

50 Shades of Grey = One shade of giant red flag

50 Shades of Grey = One shade of giant red flag

Ashley Palenkas is another hairstylist.

Melissa:  Thankfully it will be a good hair season.  Oh no, she’s a cat lady AND is a 50 Shades fan.  Girl, you went to the bottom of the list, and please don’t pull any of those 50 shades moves.  That’s just not cool.

Rachel:  I feel like I’ve seen her before on another reality show… or maybe she just looks like a “reality” girl.  Oh no, she did not just pull out Fifty Shades of Grey.  I fully missed the memo on that book.  Couldn’t get past page 50 of that horrible writing.  Oh my, she’s a whole big bag of cray.  And that laugh… Yeah, I’m not seeing her get past night one though she would be fun for us kiddies to watch.

Yeah, this is embarrassing for me too.

Yeah, this is embarrassing for me too.

Leslie Hughes is our political consultant and the “environment girl”.

Melissa:  OK, she was cute until that campaign for Sean move.  Why do they all have to have the schtick?  Just be normal ladies.

Rachel:  Yeah, I think the producer make them have a schtick, Melissa.  Well, she already gets a thumbs up for being pro-environment.  And that’s about all she gets a thumbs up for.

Welcome Courtney Take Two

Welcome Courtney Take Two

Kristy Kaminski is the “everyone is jealous of me” model this season.

Melissa:  Hopefully she can represent the models better than what’s-her-face on Ben’s season… You know, the horrible one… She who must not be named.

Rachel:  Our new Courtney… Oops, sorry we weren’t mentioning names.  Guess we now have to have a model every season too.

Someone put the paper clips in the blue bin when everyone knows they're supposed to go in the white one.

Someone put the paper clips in the blue bin when everyone knows they’re supposed to go in the white one.

AshLee Frazier – the oldest filly in the Bachelor stable is our Miss Martha – she’s an organizer.

Melissa:  She wants to be in love more than anything.  Well, not more than having a color-coordinated organized closet.  OK, she’s the one with the bad backstory of bouncing from foster home to foster home until she found her family.

OK, can I side bar for a second?  Is there a maximum weight requirement for this show?  I swear not a single one of these can be over a hundred pounds.  For real, I think they could hide behind one of my thighs.

Rachel:  The mad organizer… everything must have a place!  Oh boy, we have abandonment issues and a need to control things hence her love for all things organization.  But she seems sweet… for now.

The Arrivals

Bring me my bitches!

Bring me my bitches!

Melissa:  Finally, it’s limo time!  Why does he look shocked to see his surroundings getting out of that car?  Oh, right because Emily dragged everyone down south!  How did I completely forget that?  Diva.

You know what I want to hear?  All the smack talk in the limo as the ladies get out.  Why can’t they stay mic’d?

Rachel:  Uh, Sean doesn’t look nervous.  He looks like he’s going to fall asleep.

AshLee F 

AshLee

Melissa:  The first to arrive, and I’m not feeling that greeting.  I get there are nerves honey, but come on.  You need to work it like a stripper at last call.  OK, I have no clue what that means, but it just flowed to the fingers without my being able to stop it.

Rachel:  She looks good.  I like the dress, but I still think she’s wound way tight and we may see a “no wire hangers ever!” moment when the other girls fail to do their own dishes.

Jackie

JackieSean

Melissa:  Jackie from the other Winey Bitch’s hometown.  Oh, we’re totally looking her up the next time I’m there!!  What the hell is that marking your own territory move?  Why not just pee on his foot?

Rachel:  Hey, my home town!  She automatically gets a point for that.  And the lips was a cute touch, but she should have put the lipstick on in the car.  I mean you know, if you have to have a shtick.

Selma

Selma2Sean

Melissa:  Selma is next and I don’t have a lot on this one.  But I do love the tissue in the cleavage to wipe Jackie’s kiss off of him.  Nice move girl.

Rachel:  Meh.  That’s about all I got.  Well, meh and bad nose job.

Leslie

LeslieSean

Melissa:  Leslie H is our card shark.  Man I love having this cheat sheet.  Genius abc… LOVE YOU!!  Oh, according the the cheet sheet, this one has a tat.  I like Leslie even if her dress looks a little like drapery at a wedding hall.

Rachel:  Whoa!  Two women of color!  You Bachelor kids are crazy!  She’s cute but the shoes are bad.  Really bad.  Like crappy bridal department bad.

Daniella 

HandshakeSean

Melissa:  She tried to rock a handshake.  Um, really?

Rachel:  A handshake really?  Everyone knows you hand jive on a first date.

Kelly

SingerSean

Melissa:  Kelly works on cruise ships… not like Julie the cruise director though, she just entertains.  She’s a bit orange, no?  And a singer?  Well, I use that term loosely, but Sean buys it.

Rachel:  Horrible dress.  But not as horrible as the song she just sang.  She should have rocked the Love Boat Theme.  That would have been awesome.  I don’t even want to begin to get into her fake tan.  Big yikes the whole way around.

Katie

yogaSean

Melissa:  Here comes Yoga Katie, girl you should have gone with a downward dog.  You need to bring a little more to the table.

Rachel:  Yoga, yes.  That hair, no.  1984 needs it back.

Ashley

AshleySean

Melissa:  Three Ashleys this season?  Wait, does it count as the same name if they aren’t spelled the same but sound the same?  It’s still confusing to the rest of us.  Did she just pull a “Christian Grey tie” out of her cleavage? Sweet Mary woman, didn’t I tell you not to bring that 50 Shades BS to the meet and greet??  I would die if he asked if she wanted to learn a Windsor knot.

Rachel:  Well, when a woman offers up some kinky sex, it generally does render a man speechless.  But in this case, it was out of sheer terror rather than actually being turned on.  Yeah, he smelled that crazy the moment the limo door opened.

Taryn

TarynSean

Melissa:  Next is Taryn the Health Club Manager.  Oh, I like her.

Rachel:  She seems cute.  That’s all.

Catherine

CatherineSean

Melissa:  She completely lost me when she called him a hunk.  Who uses that word anymore?

Rachel:  More ethnicity.  I like it!  She’s cute.

Robyn

RobynSean1

Melissa:  Oh, here’s my girl Robyn who lost me with her hand-hearts.  Please don’t pull that one again.  Oh snap, she just fell over attempting a gymnastics move.  What an entrance!  I would have climbed back in the car for a do-over.

Rachel:  Oh. No. She. Didn’t.  Holy embarrassing.  Well, that’ll leave an impression… and a mark.

Lacey

LaceySean

Melissa:  Lacey, the grad student, reminds me of Emily… ish.  OK, really would it kill some of these girls to run a brush through their hair?  I mean really, just looking all ratty in the back like because you forgot you have to WALK AWAY from the camera & be shot from behind.

Rachel:  She shows up with a heart of lace in her hands and a bottle of bad dye on her head.  Whoa that’s bad hair.

Paige

PaigeSean

Melissa:   STFU!  She operates a Jumbotron!!  Wait, she was on BP3?  I need to look that one up, because I don’t remember her to save my life.  Then again I can barely remember where I park my car most days.  At least she brushed her hair.

Rachel:  She was on Bach Pad?  I guess she must have been eliminated before I started watching week 2… or started paying attention.

Tierra

TierraSean

Melissa:  Another one with a tat.  Oh right, this was the squeeler.  Please tell me she didn’t get that tat just for the show.  Hang on, what’s this now?  Is he for real just leaving her there?  I hope he’s getting her a rose, because let’s face it, anything else is completely douchy.  Yeah, I called it.  Poor thing though must have been shittin’ bricks.  Sorry.  Shittin’ rocks.  Man, who would have thought I could pull a Christmas Vacation quote in for the Bachelor.  Maybe that will be my new game this season.  How many times I can work a quote into a write up.  Aw, well, that’s going to get her daggers from the other ladies when she walks inside.  Yeah, that’ll put the big old bullseye on her back… Good luck to you girl, sleep with one eye open.

Rachel:  The finger tattoo… I so want to rail on it, but I cannot.  It’s kinda cute.  Does she really not know he went to get a rose?  I kinda like her.  Yes, I was bagging on her during the intro, but I think I might like her.  Then again, she may have been the psycho in the previews but I was too busy rolling my eyes to actually take it in.

Oh the ladies are not happy that the first impression rose is already off the table… and here come the talons.  Girl, you had better watch your back.

Amanda

FitModelSea

Melissa:  Amanda the Fit Model… What’s up with all the skinny models?  Not cool.  Makes me not want to finish the second cookie on my plate.  I’ll have to give her props for the awkward pause move though.

Rachel: Holy legs!  Well, she is a fit model.  Bitch.  Yeah, this awkward pause is really awkward.  And holy teeth, batman!

Kerriann

KerriAnne

Melissa:  Kerriann the Entrepreneur is pretty, but another one whose hair I want to brush.

Rachel:  Hey Leann Rimes is on the show!  Wait, she drove the whole way here?  Doesn’t abc spring for the tickets?  Or is she scared to fly?  That ought to make the tropical locations hard to get to.

Desiree

DesSean

Melissa:  Oh, here’s the bridal stylist, Desiree.  At least she didn’t show up in a gown and veil.  I do like that she brought pennies to make a wish.  Clever.

Rachel:  Pennies in the fountain.  Cute.  That lipstick with that dress.  Not cute.

Sarah

SarahSean

Melissa:  I would almost love to just walk up to the car and whisper to them all that the first impression rose has already been given out and to chill with the craziness.  It’s my girl Sarah!!

Rachel:  I like Sarah & I like that he didn’t even flinch when he saw the arm.  Good boy.

Brooke

BrookeSean

Melissa:  Lookie here at Brooke from the ‘Burgh!!  How did I miss that on my cheat sheet?  I love that dress!

Rachel:  DAYUM!  ABC took those lawsuit threats to heart.  I like that she’s a hometown girl (even though they spelled said hometown wrong), but she’s a bit um… Well, I’m waiting for her to purr.

Diana

MomSean

Melissa:  Diana clearly is going to be pissed the first impression rose is already gone.

Rachel:  Dig the dress.  She can stay.

Lesley

LesleySean

Melissa:  She has some awesome hair rocking tonight.  Um, didn’t we do the football thing last Bachelor?

Rachel:  Well, you know I like anything football so a big thumbs up to that.  And I do like that she figured out a way to check out Sean’s booty… if you’re into that thing.

Kristy

ModelSean

Melissa:  Oh Kristy, you need to take it down a notch or I’m just going to toss you in the pile with Crazy Faces Courtney.  DOH, I said her name.  Only 2 more before she appears like Beetlejuice!!

Rachel:   Yeah, the model thing is escaping me here.  Sorry.  I don’t see it.

Ashley H.

PageantSean

Melissa:  ANOTHER MODEL?!  And another Ashley – this one with an H.

Rachel:  I’m getting pageant gown fatigue and that is the most tragic of all.  She gets sent home immediately for that dress… and that walk.

Lauren

BlondeSean

Melissa:  Hey, they snuck another smart one in the group.  Sadly, I worry she won’t go far, but at least this one brushed the back of her hair.  Why the threats girl?  Now he’s going to be looking over his shoulder the rest of the night since that rose is already spoken for.

Rachel:  Yeah that always works well.  Threatening your date.

Lindsey

Lindsay

Melissa:  Um, what’s up with Lindsey, the bride?  Way to scare off a boy!  Damn, I don’t think he was expecting to get to first base before he even made it inside.  It’s a night of breaking all the rules I suppose.

Rachel:  Nothing scarier than a girl in a wedding dress.  She’s really actually wearing that and full on kissing him.  But at least she’s got a sense of humor about it.

Kacie B.

KacieBSean

Melissa:  Here we go with the last minute call in vote.  Who the hell has that kind of power?  Not to mention skinny ass legs!  Why do they do that cutting to commercial?  Kacie B. apparently has some pull with Chris and crew.  Well at least we know she won’t pull out the marching band for her hometown since that didn’t really work for her last one.  So, have they met before in other Bachelor events?  Wait, so Desiree thinks it’s not fair that she’s here since she’s already been on a show?  Um, then technically Sean shouldn’t be either.

Rachel:  Oh and the surprise guest – Who is it?  Any guesses?  The legs scream Blakeley to me.  But not sure her engagement with  Tony was done in time for her to make it here.  Oh right, I already knew it was Kacie B.  LOL… Wow, I need to start taking Geritol or something.  She is cute…. but I think she’s a big bag of crazy.

I still don’t get the “it’s not fair she’s here” thing.  These women are so crazy.  But I’m not sure why I’m trying to apply logical thought to these women being that they’re on a tv show looking for love.  Clearly they’re not really the pillars of practical thinking in the first place.

Entree Sean

So, can you handle my deeply religious parents?

So, can you handle my deeply religious parents?

Melissa:  Here’s where it gets fun… drunk ladies and dishing dirt.

So, it’s time for Kacie B to plead her case.  I’ll be honest, I’m a little confused as to how they decide to bring folks back, but hey, it’s good tv right?  Here’s the thing though, they’ve hung out before tonight.  If there were sparks, why is he here?  And if there weren’t sparks, why is she?

Desiree says she would, of course, design her own wedding dress.  Anyone notice the random body walking through in the background?  That’s a little distracting.  Oh, so he gets to pass out roses as the night goes?  Of course Desiree accepts the rose.  I have to say that makes the ceremony less dramatic.  HA, I love Catherine saying that they had to put their “lady faces back on” at the site of Desiree and her rose.

In another bold “change it up” rose giving, Sean gives one to AshLee F… I think.  Sorry, they all look the same to me for the first few weeks.  I’m just going to go on record here and say that AshLee F trying to cut down Tierra’s rose as not being the first impression rose is really petty & childish.  Bitch, she got hers before she even set foot in the house.  Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Hey this rose thing is fun!

Hey this rose thing is fun!

Selma also gets a rose, and I’m gotta say that this is going to make for a shitty ass non-rose ceremony.  Now, Robyn and Yoga Katie both get roses, and at this point, I can’t keep track who these other girls are that he’s just willy-nilly tossing roses to.  Ah, they’re the good energy girls.  Whatever, I don’t get it.

Oh man, that was a cold diss on Ashley H.  Poor thing was eyeing up that rose like I eye up the chocolate cake in the bakery display.  Well, I’m sure she’s not muttering “get in my belly”, but it’s the same crazy eyes!

Then there’s Lindsay already in her wedding dress ready for her ultimate rose ceremony.  I’ll give her props for being the kooky girl, and the drunk one.  Good on you to live in the moment.  OK, I’m taking that “good on you” back over the “gimme a kiss” you just threw at our boy.  You’re playing the crazy girl a little too much.  We get you have a funny side, but turn the dial back a bit.

Rachel:  Totally slept through the Kacie B portion of events.  Seriously, I have no idea what they were talking about.  Was it important?  Look, you make these shows 1.5 hour of filler and 30 minutes of the shit we came to see.  So, don’t blame me when I start to zone.  Besides there’s been a lot of wine thrown down the gullet at this point.

Aaaaand still sleeping through all these chats.  Oh Desiree… that’s her name.  She gets a rose too.   So far the Brunettes have it.  I love the sheer panic and drama about three roses being given out.  It’s like their tiny little brains can’t process a running change in the rules.  Wait, you can’t give out more than one rose.  What will Chris Harrison do for the rest of the night?  And I love that the girls with the roses are bickering about which one is the real first impression rose.  Are you for real right now?  And I don’t know why, but I’m surprised it’s Little Miss Preacher’s Daughter stirring the bitchy pot.  She’s got a little devil in her, that one.  And not just a Dirt Devil.

And there goes number 4 to the girl with the bad nose job.  Wow, it’s like a rose jamboree.  Does this mean no rose ceremony?  I need a formal ceremony to keep track.  I can’t be expected to keep track on my own.  He’s like a Bachelor on speed.  Roses for everyone!  Well, everyone but the scary pageant girl with the mouth that doesn’t move.  Back off the ‘tox lady.  Uh oh, wedding dress girl might have pushed the joke too far.  Yeah, see here’s the key to a good joke.  Get your laugh and move on.  She missed the moving on part and is now in jeopardy of moving right on out of the house.

Too Kinky For Christian

The first man to be scared to near death by a tie.

The first man to be scared to near death by a tie.

Melissa:  Oh Ashley… Ashley… Ashley… you need to put your tie away and take it down a notch.  That being said, I find it so damn delicious when they get drunk.  Yep, we’ve all been there.  Well, I haven’t danced with a tie, nor have any of my friends.  Yeah, sorry sweetie, you’re just out there all drunk.  Maybe you should find Lindsay and you can hold each other’s hair while you vomit.  Oh, then you’re going to blow it for Paige by trying to score a quickie rose?  BAHAHAHA, Sean and his rape whistle joke.  OK, that was the best genuine laugh I’ve had all night.  I love when the straight-sober person plays off the drunk babbling one.  OMG, she just fell!  Yeah, I’m thinking she and Lindsay are going to be talking to their porcelain pals tonight… and the limo drivers as they head home.

Oh, while I was still chuckling over Ashley’s antics, Leslie got a rose.

Rachel:  Oh Ashley.  Oh wow.  She’s a mess.  That dancing is not cute at any point.  Wait, her mom calls Sean her “son in law”?  Hmmm… sounds like her mom might be a big bag of crazy too.  Sean gets points for the 50 Shades of Drunk comment.  Damn, this chick is going to end up crying in her tie tonight.  Think it’s going to end up getting more use as a tissue than a bondage tool.

Bad Tactics

Melissa:  Here’s a question, is Taryn crying or drunk? I honestly can’t tell.  You know Brooke is trying to figure out how the hell to get away from her before she gets chucked on.  And, we have our first official crier of the night.  Wait, you don’t fight over a guy, Taryn?  Um, have you not seen a single season of the Bachelor?  That’s pretty much the entire theme of the show.

Listen here Miss Sarah, I don’t like this attitude of yours.  That’s silliness on your part to think you don’t deserve what the other women get.  Take your rose and you sit there and gloat like the rest of them.  Don’t get on my bad side the first night.

Rachel:  Uh Taryn, the whole not wanting everyone to know you want a rose is probably not the tactic here, seeing as how you’re on a show where your goal is to get a rose.  Er, I mean win love.  Er, I mean… oh never mind.

Aw, sad Sarah.  Go talk to Sean.  Not wanting to hunt him down is also a bad tactic.  Take a look around.  You’re swimming with the sharks.  It’s kill or be killed.  There you go.  See, all good.  Ok, she’s sweet and my business partner here agrees, so we’re all good.

Rose Ceremony

Feeding time at the zoo

Feeding time at the zoo

The dirty dozen that got roses already:  Tierra, Desiree, AshLee F., Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, Jackie, Leslie H, Sarah, Brooke, Diana

The rose call:  Amanda, Leslie M., Kacie B., Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, Lindsay

Going home:  Ashley H, Ashley P, Kelly, Keriann, Lacey, Lauren and Paige

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, I hope these ladies are ready to bring some drama because Sean is about as interesting to me as watching grass grow.  Don’t disappoint me ladies.  50 Shades Of Crazy is gone so it’s all on you.  Ya better bring it.

Melissa:  Hate to say it, but I’m glad 50 Shades Of Crazy didn’t get a rose.  I also have NO idea if we managed to capture the whirl-wind of roses during cocktails.  Let me also say I don’t understand the tears on night 1.  Come on ladies, you’re made of better stuff!

Cheat Sheet full URL:  http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/blogs/extras/cheat-sheet