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One Sentence Summary - Kalyn’s lust for her job has more to do with her coworkers than her duties, which gets her fired.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  So tonight we have yet another fight between Whitney & Kalyn.  Yawn… This storyline is boring me.  Can we write them a new one?  I like Whitney with The Boogs.  Let’s find Kalyn another family member to hit on, shall we, and leave the happy couple alone.  And as much as I can’t stand Cindy, I hope she gives it to Cha Cha good tonight.  I still can’t believe that this bitch has slapped her kid twice, verbally belittled her over & over and manhandled her, but has had zero repercussions.  Really Style Channel?  Really?  I’m close to pulling the plug on the show all-together.  What do you all think should happen?

Melissa:  A warning friends… I am fighting off a nasty cold, not to mention I’m in the Northeast with Sandy knocking on the door for a visit this week and watching news reports of the morons who, given they have been told since about noon today to evacuate, are thinking they can brave the conditions.  I’m at zero patience with stupidity, and we all know the Texas ladies have the potential for flagrant stupidity.  With that, let’s find out what the Texas twits are up to this week.

Straight Shooter

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cha Cha continues to find new and exciting events for the show… er, I mean the club members.  Today we are learning archery.  Who keeps putting weapons in Cha Cha’s hands?  Oh right, Cha Cha.  Bonnie is enjoying furthering her ninja skills but is exhausted from her fight with Cindy.  You shouted at her for about 60 seconds and that’s exhausting?   Girl, you need some serious help.

Then there is a conversation among the kids about how much time their moms spend with them, which is about as interesting as a table cracker.  Look guys, I know you try and foreshadow all these upcoming dramas for us, but you’re not crafting an Oscar-worthy movie here.  Just move along to the next thing and I promise you we’ll be able to connect the dots on our own.  I swear.

Melissa:  I love to see that the ladies are all comfortable with being armed.  I will say archery is pretty fun – frustrating as hell, but fun.  Looks like Bonnie doesn’t care for Cindy.  She’s not going to get an argument from me.  I haven’t wrapped my head around that woman yet either.  Guess we’re getting the first indication that Cindy is a pretty hands-off mom sending her daughter off the to the mother-daughter event alone so she can drink with Leslie.

Two Martini Lunch – Fifth Day In A Row

Rachel’s What Happened:  I love that Cindy is ragging on the club moments after joining.  Why join then?  Oh right, because you don’t want to be left out of the drama.  Cindy doesn’t understand why Bonnie was threatened by her talking to her husband.  Um, maybe because you were running your hands through his hair?  Just a thought.  Leslie, the genius that she is, says that Bonnie doesn’t like women hitting on her husband, as if it’s an outrageous feeling.  I mean making him work from home might be a bit overbearing, but what woman wants their husband getting hit on?  As a single woman, I am beyond careful about my behavior around my friend’s significant others.  It’s called respect.  Seems like it should be an easy concept, but is actually becoming more foreign to most people every day.  But that’s a rant for another time and another blog.

But let’s move on from Bonnie.  Leslie is having her middle son Spencer come to Texas for a visit.  Oh goodie, more man candy for Kalyn!  Leslie wants him to move there, but will probably feel differently when she realizes she’s brought another potential victim into her home for her goddaughter.  Actually, she might not want to bring him around Cindy either.

Melissa:  Um Cindy, that wasn’t being friendly, that was full on hitting on him.  I don’t blame Bonnie for flipping out on you.  I mean, she has that tendency anyway, so why poke the bear?  Wait, Leslie has another son?  She’s going to take him to the stockyards for a “fun day out”?

The Cha Cha Cocktail

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cha Cha is getting her logo done for her new business and planning a launch party.  She seems to be off to a better start with her logo treatment than our friend Sonja over in NYC.  They did actually do a much better job.  Sorry, Heather.  They are going to have a special diva cocktail at the party as well.  Damn, The Winey Bitches need our own signature cocktail.  We certainly drink enough.  How to make that happen…

Melissa:  So she’s planning a launch party for her business?  I like the logo.  Yeah, why don’t the Winey Bitches have their own signature cocktail?  We need to get on that.  I’ll start working at the short list… I’m a giver like that.

Girls’ Day Out

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney & Nikki do a little shopping & discuss relationships.  Nikki is jealous of Whitney & Booger living together.  She can’t get her boyfriend of a year & a half to make that commitment.  Whoa, was I sleeping on the job?  Whit & The Boogs have only been together a few weeks?  I knew it wasn’t a long time but I was in the ballpark of a like 4 or 5 months.  That’s still bananas fast but a few weeks?  Slow your roll, sister.  They decide they’re going to do a double date so Booger can nudge Adam into thinking that cohabitation is a good idea.  Lord help you if that backfires.

Melissa:  I like Nikki’s influence on Whitney.  At least she’s finally hanging out with someone her own age.

If You Wanna Ride…

Rachel’s What Happened:  Maddie stops by to see Kalyn hard at work shoveling shit.  Bet you miss the cupcakes now, eh?  Much better to come home smelling like sugar & vanilla than the ass end of a horse.  Ah, lessons of youth.  I was going to question the hot pink shirt cut down to the rib cage and the hot pink bra underneath as part of the work uniform until Kalyn mentioned all the hot cowboys running around.  Seems our resident hoochie is bent on working her way through the ranch hands & jockeys.  Guess the horses aren’t the only ones available for a ride.

Kalyn tells Maddie that she can’t understand why Whitney still picks on her.  I’m thinking that it might have something to do with your asking her boyfriend to get up close & personal with your vagina.  I mean I’m just guessing over here.

Melissa:  HA, cracks me up seeing Kalyn shoveling shit.  AWESOME!  Why is her bra hanging out?  It’s not like that shirt isn’t see-through, no need to have it unbuttoned to your navel.  Oh, it’s because she’s looking for a cowboy to take for a ride.  Maybe if you didn’t instigate with Whitney she’d back off.

Fun With Science

Rachel’s What Happened:  Bonnie comes over to help Whitney study, which means gossip.  She is proud of Whitney’s behavior at the BBQ.  Really?  She made a scene.  Oh wait, it’s the whole apple doesn’t fall far from the tree theorem.  You know, since we’re talking science.  Apparently, if you don’t actually physically assault someone, you have handled yourself with dignity and class, never mind if you bawled someone out and hurtled curse words across the room.  Ah, parenthood.

Melissa:  Wait, Bonnie helps Whitney study?  I mean, it sounds like the girl needs all the help she can get, but you really need to cut the strings my dear.

Latch Key Club Kid

Rachel’s What Happened:   After a rousing game of tennis, Maddie fills Alex in on all the boobaliciousness that is Kalyn at work.  Alex wants to work at the pound for the summer.  Fascinating conversation. But we’re really here to build the case against Cindy for being an absentee mom.  She was supposed to pick up Alex and take her to volleyball, but I guess was too busy cocktailing to make that happen.  So, Cindy ignores her kid and Cha Cha hits hers.  Lovely.

A Little Less Conversation

Rachel’s What Happened:  Shaye is apparently in need of another sport for her resume so mom has signed her up for volleyball. Needless to say, Cha Cha escorts her to the game and is incredulous to learn that Cindy never attends to watch Alex.  Cha Cha asks Shaye if she could imagine if she didn’t come watch her cheer.  Shaye doesn’t answer but it’s very clear that she can imagine it.  In fact, she imagines it all the time.  Luckily for Alex, Cha Cha has adopted her as her designated shout target and does her usual loud & proud routine.  Alex wishes she took it down about 12 notches, but did actually appreciate having someone rooting her on.  Yeah, I imagine it would be nice to have a parent that gave a shit.

Melissa:  You know Shaye can imagine not having her mother anywhere around her.  I’m sure she dreams about it nightly.  I feel for you my dear.  I’d start spreading rumors my mom was an alcoholic so maybe people would ignore her if I had to deal with D on the sidelines like that.

Flirting With Disaster

Rachel’s What Happened:  Mmm… ice cream.  Wait, what?  Oh yeah, Kalyn & Maddie…  Seems our resident overachiever Kalyn got fired from her job for flirting, inappropriate dressing and basically not getting her work done.  Surprise factor:  0.  She will have to find another job before Leslie finds out.  Are there any jobs left in Dallas?  Maddie promises not to tell Melissa either and they pinkie swear with a kiss to make it so.  I feel like I’m watching Sweet Valley High.

Melissa:  Kalyn got fired for flirting and dressing inappropriately… Shocking!  Wait, how are you going to hide this from Leslie?  You know the gossip travels faster than the speed of light, especially with the club crew, down in Texas.

No You’re The Bad Mom. No, You Are.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And so begins the battle of the crappy moms.  Cha Cha drops off Alex and “encourages” Cindy to come to Alex’s games with her.  Yeah, that’ll make her want to show up.  Lord woman, tone it down.  The entire block can hear you.  But before she insults Cindy’s parenting skills further, she makes sure that she’s going to come to her launch party.  She lets her know that there will be lots of booze, which is Cindy’s mating call really.  And back to Alex’s next game that Cindy won’t be attending.  You know, she’s a very busy woman what with all her not working and not doing anything helpful for the world.  Cha Cha continues the “rah rah mom” routine until Cindy says she’s feeling insulted.  Oh no, that’s not where Cha Cha was going at all, except that that’s exactly where she was going.  But she backs off before she gets a taste of her own slap happy medicine.

Melissa:  Oy D, take it down a notch with forcing yourself on Cindy.  Wait, what does Cindy have to do?  It’s not like she works.  Yes my dear, D is trying to play up she doesn’t think you’re a good mom.  See, she’s allowed to bat her kids around as long as she makes it to their activities and screeches at them, that completely negates a backhand to the face in her world.  D, she was looking out to the sidelines because your caterwauling was completely distracting her.

Ladies Who Lunch

Rachel’s What Happened:  Bonnie has the girls over… well most of them – Connie, Melissa & Cha Cha – for some afternoon iced tea.  I’m going to assume there’s a little something something in there to make the impending gossip session more palatable.  We start with Bonnie telling the ladies about Kalyn’s trip to see Booger for a hooha piercing consultation.  Ah, just what you want your friends’ parents discussing.  Melissa thinks she needs to be reined.  Then again, she is an adult.  But, says Cha Cha, Leslie is still trying to parent her.  On the other hand, she’s never had a girl.  Bonnie thinks she should try and teach her how to behave… So, you ladies have no opinion other than every opinion on the situation.

After those deep thoughts, the conversation turns to Cindy’s absentee parenting.  Melissa takes her side as a single parent.  She also is letting Maddie go out with Alex & Cindy tonight.  Shaye, on the other hand, not allowed.  Cindy drinks too much so Shaye doesn’t get to go.  I’m not necessarily against that to be honest.  However, Cindy could be sober as a judge and Cha Cha still wouldn’t let Shaye go.

Melissa:  No ladies, Kalyn will not be reined in, nor will Leslie be the one to do it.  She’s got to secure herself a man to pay the bills, so Kalyn’s on her own.  She’s got her priorities right now.  Of course D won’t let Shaye go to dinner with Cindy… Shaye isn’t allowed to do anything without the hawk.

Fun At The Stockyards

Rachel’s What Happened:  Not gonna lie, I had to actually look up what a stockyard is.  Sorry, urban girl here.  Anywho, Leslie takes Kalyn, Tyler and Spencer out for some good old fashioned Texas fun at the Stockyards.  Does Kalyn own pants other than Daisy Dukes?  I think not.  But the big news here is that Rip wants Leslie to move in with him.  He hasn’t proposed but they have spoken of marriage.  Spencer thinks that 6 months isn’t enough time to truly get to know someone and maybe she shouldn’t move in just yet.  Leslie, as usual, is ambivalent about the feedback even though she asked for it.  She also has no idea what a jalapeno is & is shocked when she eats one and it’s hot.  She really is a dipshit.

And there it is, Kalyn thinks Spencer is hot.  This little girl is so desperate for attention it’s actually pretty sad.  She wants to know how long Spencer is in town. Pretty much he’s out of there as soon as he can be.  Work calls.  But he’ll be back in a few months and they can hang out then.  Tyler, usually as clueless as his mom, actually realizes what’s going on here and is confused by the flirting going on in front of him.  Yeah, your godsister has moved on to your brother.  That is happening.  Anyone else see the glance Kalyn gave Tyler there?  The ol’ “jealous yet?” stare.  Leslie, on the other hand, oblivious.

Melissa:  Oy Leslie, poor Spencer now remembers why he’s moved halfway across the country from her.  At least he’s the voice of reason… Clearly he’s gotten all the intelligence in the family.  Honey, mama wants to move in so she no longer needs to foot her own bills.  Hang on a minute Kalyn, are you going to sleep with all your “brothers”?  That’s just icky.  I get that you aren’t related, but still… eeeewww.  HA, and Tyler could you be a little more obvious with your unhappiness at the fact that you aren’t the only family member she’s interested in?

Quality Time

Rachel’s What Happened:  So Cindy’s version of quality time is taking her kid and her friends to fancy dinners.  It may not be cheering at a soccer game, but at least there’s lobster & filet involved.  So much for that pinky swear.  Maddie lets the “Kalyn getting fired” cat out of the bag.  Technically, she didn’t promise to not tell Cindy, but telling Cindy is essentially telling Leslie.  Good job, Maddie.

Boy this Cindy is a piece of work.  Did she really just tell her daughter not to date someone that can’t afford to buy her expensive dinners?   I mean she also threw in a little nugget about being able to take care of yourself, but really?   Now she would like to know how many piercings Maddie has.  She says 5; all in her ears, btw.  Apparently, the number of piercings you have directly corollates to your sexual proclivities.  Lots of piercings – big ol’ slut.  Seems Maddie is one hole away from Skankville.   Wonder what tattooing does to that average… This woman is a train wreck.

Melissa:  HA, love that Maddie gave up Kalyn losing her job to Cindy and Alex.  I love your attitude Cindy grilling your daughter’s friend over piercing and linking it to losing your virginity.  So since I only have 1 piercing in my ears does that mean I get my virginity back?

No One Sleeps With My Sister But Me!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie isn’t driving her kid to the airport because she has important things to do, like lounge.  Guess her friend Cindy is rubbing off on her.  So, Tyler will be taking Spencer to the airport.  Those boys really do have a family resemblance.  I wonder if that’s what Leslie’s original nose looked like.

Spencer gives Kalyn a big hug goodbye which pleases Tyler not at all.  He makes it known that Spencer shouldn’t be flirting with Kalyn.  He was with her first and it’s weird that his brother is now hitting on her.  I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Tyler here.  Getting your brother’s sloppy seconds off of your godsister is just nasty.  Honestly Spencer, I’d encourage you to reach a little higher.  Just a little.

Melissa:  So Leslie adores her son, but can’t be bothered take him to the airport?  That makes sense.  HA, Tyler is getting pissed at Spencer for hugging Kalyn?  That’s genius.  Only one boy in this family is allowed to sleep with his “sister”.  Otherwise it just ain’t cool.  Dipshit.

Double Dating

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the double date with Nikki & Whitney.  The boys are getting along famously but we’re here to manipulate Nikki’s boyfriend into moving in with her.  Now she says they’ve been together almost a year even though a few scenes back it was a year & a half.  People!  You’ve got worse continuity issues than the Golden Girls, and they couldn’t ever remember how many kids they had.  Yeah, I love the Golden Girls.  What’s your point?  Anyway, Booger says he knew that Whitney was the one from jump so he didn’t want to let her get away.  Well, there’s also the little fact that they’ve known each other for four years.  Adam isn’t budging.  He wants to wait until he’s married before he lives with someone.  Quite frankly, that’s his prerogative and I don’t think anyone needs to give him shit about it.  He also thinks Nikki should experience living on her own before living together.  Booger agrees.  Whitney does not.  Of course she doesn’t, being that her mom still foots all her bills, and until last week, she was living at home too.

Melissa:  Look at the boys getting along.  OK, I’ll have to agree with Adam that Nikki should live on her own.  I think people need to experience taking care of themselves.  I guess that mean Nikki still live at home?

The Follow-Up

Rachel’s What Happened:  Nikki & Whitney hang poolside for a little post-double date rehash.  Whitney says her main takeaway from Adam was that he said “when” he meets the one.  If Nikki isn’t “the one”, then what is he doing with her.  Well, there is that, although someone’s year-long relationship might not be the same as another’s.  You never know what goes on.  But Nikki was upset about that and the fact that her boyfriend barely showed her any affection.  Yeah, I can’t say I got the warm fuzzies from him myself.  Whitney suggests a symbolic break-up so he can realize what he had.  I’d like to raise my hand in opposition of that idea.  It’s just a stupid game with more risk than reward.  If you aren’t getting something you need in a relationship and the person you are with isn’t willing to even meet you halfway, bolt.  And not a symbolic bolt.  A permanent one.  You deserve better.  It’s a whole world of pain to hope someone will step up and then have them not do it.  Trust a sister here.

But enough of that, Nikki knows about Kalyn getting fired and is excited to tell Whitney all about it.  She even adds a little embellishment about Kalyn actually hooking up with everyone.  You know, gossip isn’t fun unless you add that extra little something special.  I tell you, this Nikki loves to stir a pot.

Melissa:  Nikki, my dear, maybe your man has a little more smarts to not rush off into moving in with you until he’s comfortable with it.  You know it’s only a matter of time before Boogs starts to question why he asked Whitney to move in so quickly.  HA, way to feed the beast Nikki.  I swear Whitney just laps up any negative news about Kalyn.

Oh I’m Sorry, Did I Say Something Factual

Rachel’s What Happened:  Boogs & Whitney are discussing the double date and Whitney is still not able to understand why Adam won’t live with Nikki.  Boogs, who is quickly becoming my favorite person on this show, says that there are two people in their relationship and Nikki has to respect Adam’s viewpoint.  As well, not everyone moves as fast as they do.  Both very rational and logical responses.  What say you, Whitney?  Oh you’re pissed and going to storm out like a petulant child because that somehow means he thinks you’re moving too fast?  Good call.  I gotta hand it to you, Boogs.  You’re a very patient man.

Melissa:  Here it comes.  This is what I warned you about, Whitney.  Yes, it was moving fast.  It was, what, your 1 hour anniversary when he asked you to move in?

Texas Diva

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for Cha Cha’s launch party.  I’m not sure what go go dancers have to do with construction, but hey, it’s a party.  Bonnie & Whitney are in costume, of course.  OK, I am laughing my ass off right now.  The celebrity at the party is a member of Kool And The Gang?  Genius!  I mean I’ve got nothing against a little “Celebration” or “She’s Fresh” being played, but this isn’t exactly what I was thinking when Mr. PR Dude said he was bringing some celebs to the event.  Did I just see Cindy drinking directly from the bottle?  Of course I did.

Meanwhile, Nikki is upset because she & Adam broke up and it seems he hasn’t come running back.  This is not how Serena Van der Woodsen’s life is supposed to go.  Yeah, well I warned you.  But Whitney isn’t trying to spend the night with both of them upset over men.  It’s time to party.  And by party, she means do shots.

Melissa thanks Cindy for taking Maddie to dinner and gives her props for being such a great mom.  She thinks she’s doing a great job especially being a single mother.  Cindy wants to know what’s with all the flattery.  Oh Melissa, why not just come right out and tell her what Cha Cha said.  Your pretending to be just a friend complimenting another friend is as transparent as Kalyn’s shirts.  And there it is.  Melissa rats out Cha Cha.  See, why bother with the pomp?  Just cut to the chase and get to creating drama with Cha Cha at her own party.  Awesome friend.  Not that I’m defending Cha Cha, but don’t pretend to be her friend and then screw with her at her own party.  And off Cindy goes to confront her.  She pipes off about Alex being a straight A student and tries to bait Cha Cha into an argument, but fails miserably.  Cha Cha won’t have the fight in the middle of her own party.  It’s not the time nor the place so she bails.  Impressive.  Too bad she doesn’t have the same restraint when it comes to her daughter.

And speaking of restraint, let’s catch up to Whitney who is quickly losing any she might have had that night.  She’s drunk and mad at Booger so she’s decided it’s time to pick a fight.  Let’s see… who would be a good person to pick a fight with… Hmm… Oh hey, look who happens to be standing right there.  Kalyn!  What a lucky coincidence.  Whitney calls her a slut.  Kalyn says something about Whitney’s booty shorts, which is amusing since she lives in booty shorts.  And it goes back in forth with Kalyn actually giving Whitney a raspberry.  Ha, that’s the best you got, girl?  But before it can go off the charts, Leslie steps in and tries to bring the drama levels down.  This gives Whitney the perfect opportunity to out Kalyn about being fired for being a slut.  Kalyn cops to half of it being true.  Well, maybe 3/4.  Leslie would like Bonnie to step in but Bonnie reminds her that they agreed to stay out of it.  But first, she thinks Leslie ought to know that Kalyn tried to get her vagina pierced by Booger.  Oh Bonnie, always the grown up.  And with that, we have the first glass of the evening smashed to pieces by Whitney.  Well, Kalyn will not be outdone and smashes a glass herself.  Classy girls.  Before it can come to blows, Leslie grabs Kalyn and drags her out of the party.  It’s a good thing too because Kalyn was one bitch slap away from a wardrobe malfunction.  No one needs to see that.  And with that, another BRT party comes to a dramatic close.

Melissa:  I kind of don’t understand this party.  If it’s to launch your contracting business, wouldn’t you have some examples of your work around?  Hey, but she has a member of Kool and the Gang there to help.  Nothing says contractor like “Ladies’ Night” blaring on the sound system.  Nikki and Adam broke up?  Well, who didn’t see that coming?  Yes, that always helps after a break up… Getting shit-faced drunk at a party.  That insures you won’t make an ass out of yourself.  Way to stir the pot Melis.  I can’t wait to see Cindy get all up in D’s face.  Here we go with Whitney and Kalyn.  Leslie, don’t go running to Bonnie to stop everything.  Let the arm flapping and insults fly!

Bottom Line:

Melissa:  I still miss Heidi and Pam.  Maybe if we start a petition we can get a special appearance.  It just feels like the ladies are calling it in.

Rachel:  I’m in agreement with my partner.  This shit’s getting old.

One Sentence Summary - A sympathetic tale is told about Cha Cha’s financial struggles but it fails to excuse her behavior last week.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, here we are again; sitting shocked at the fact that Cha Cha smacked her kid on national TV.  I have a bad feeling that it’s going to get glossed over again like it was last season, which is wholly unacceptable.  I get that bad behavior elicits ratings, but when it’s at the expense of children, there is a giant problem.  And it’s a giant problem that The Style Channel seems to want to ignore.   I wonder who is over there running the show that thinks it’s acceptable to keep Cha Cha on.  I mean even The Real World and Bad Girls Club will give you the boot if you’re violent.  So, I’m going on record to say that I hope this is the last we will see of Cha Cha and her horrid behavior.  And I hope it’s a wake-up call to her to get some help for that crazy anger.

Melissa:  So I feel the need to warn you all… I’m completely jet-lagged from the TWB Parisian Tour and completely missed last week (either DVR boycotted or the hubs accidentally deleted and pretended he didn’t), but thanks to the awesomeness that is my partner, I’ve been able to catch up on last week’s episode in a quickie 2 minutes.  Thank you, Love!  I also need to say I’m completely not cool with the continuous coverage of D’s slapping her children around.  There are things that are acceptable to show on reality, and there are things that are terribly wrong to leverage for network ratings… And the peeps over at Style are dancing a rather precarious line of you ask me.

Jockeying For Attention

Rachel’s What Happened:  So, another day at the pool with no one wearing bathing suits.  Honestly, if no one is going to bother to play the part, stop shooting at the pool.  But we’re not here for that, we’re here to meet the jockey that Kalyn picked up at work.  I guess the Daisy Dukes worked for someone.

So it turns out that Maddie got grounded after the crab boil for asking Nikki about alcohol.  What is wrong with these people?  And speak of the devil, here comes Nikki with Whitney & Alex.  Whitney goes on one of her completely unprovoked tirades about Kalyn being a fake beauty queen and a whore.  Well, alrighty then.   I see the maturity levels have not risen since last season.  After Kalyn leaves with her jockey and her godbrother in tow, Whitney makes sure to let Nikki & Alex know about the sibling sex scandal.  Well, in all fairness, I’d probably let that little toad pop out too if it were me.  I mean that’s pretty good juice.

Melissa:  I guess Kalyn is cool with hanging our with her ex-boyfriend-brother.  So odd… Still.  Oh, but she gets to hit on the jockeys at her new job.  Well, there’s a perk.  HA, I’m almost loving Whitney with the “Is that a relative you’re dating?” comment.  On a side note, is it me or does she always sound drunk?

Look, I Do Have A Heart!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, here’s Cha Cha… And nope no mention of the slap.  What we are going to talk about is her new company, Diva Construction & Remodeling.  I’m sure this show is going to be great PR for her new endeavor.  Hey, if you don’t like the work her workers are doing, she’ll slap them around.  She walks Connie & Bonnie through her first remodel and tells them that she needs this business as back-up to her husband’s business because they suffered so badly when the economy crashed.  So, you’re starting a competitive company to your husband’s that’s also economy based?  I mean I’m not an economics major or anything, but that seems counter-intuitive.  But this is what has to be done so they never have to be where they were a year ago… having to sell off all their guns.  I’m thinking that’s probably a good thing for Shaye’s sake.  I do feel terrible that her husband thought about the fact that he was worth more to them dead than alive.  That’s terrible.  However, Cha Cha’s financial issues, her desire to provide for her family and her wanting to show her kids that she’s a doer and not just a screamer doesn’t make up for her slapping Shaye twice now.  So, thanks for the “softer side” moment Style Channel, but if you think that’s a viable excuse, you guys had better see if you can get a group therapy rate with Cha Cha.

Melissa:  Really, I have no idea why D is on this show… She’s horrible.  I have zero patience for parents who smack around their kids – ZERO!  Wait, D and her husband have been renting their home and were selling off their jewelry?  I’m sure Shaye was hoping she was going to be repo’d from cray-cray.  Here’s an idea… Maybe don’t live beyond your means by renting a manse.  Instead, why not downsize into a normal house and give up your precious club membership, if you’re worried about money.  I know, it’s crazy talk, but I might be on to something here.

Highest Tea

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh, this is hilarious.  These women having “high tea” and pretending to be ladies of sophistication is downright comical.  And I also love that it’s to welcome the new members to the club and there’s maybe one person there that isn’t on the show.  So basically, it’s a tea for Cindy, who has brought along a flask to make sure her tea gets her high.  I can’t say as I blame her, though I would have suggested a brown liquor to go with her tea.  Bonnie wonders what Cindy does… you know, for a living.  This question confuses Cindy.  She doesn’t.  No really.  She doesn’t do anything.  She shops and she donates what she never wears to charity and that gives her life meaning.  Well, not everyone’s waters can run deep.

Cha Cha stops by the table and she & Cindy trade barbs about their children.  Cha Cha says Cindy just has to accept that she parents a different way than Cindy does.  If that’s what you want to call it…  Cindy isn’t moved.  Neither is Melissa who asks Cha Cha about the incident when the two of them are alone.  She says she knows it’s not her business, but (always a “but”) it terrified her to see how she reacted to Shaye.  Needless to say, Cha Cha doesn’t take the accusation lightly and tells Melissa off.  She’s going to “mommy-handle” her kids as she sees fit so that they stay on the straight & narrow.  Yeah, I’m thinking you might want to take a new tact.  You know, one where you don’t slap your kid around.

Melissa:  What’s going on with all these ladies wearing huge hats?  Oh, high tea.  Wait, what’s up with D’s boobs?  Get a bra sweetie!!  I’m glad to see Cindy brings her booze in a flask.  Oh, she’s never had a career… Unless shopping is a career.  I don’t get her yet.  Sweet Mary, I need D to put a bra on, it’s way too distracting.  OK, I’m going to agree with Cindy here… You don’t put your hands on a child.  I might talk a good game about twisting an ear or butt beating here and there, but I’ll be honest, empty words my friends.  What D considers good parenting is appalling to me!  I’m glad to see Melissa challenging D – “manhandling” isn’t appropriate for children.  Children should be loved and appreciated, and learn about respect by experiencing it firsthand.  OK, soapbox away, sorry… I blame the fact it’s 3-ish am Paris time.

Tennis, Anyone? 

Rachel’s What Happened:  Can someone please tell Leslie to stop wearing pigtails?  Anyway, the ladies are playing tennis and Cindy tells them that she’s having a birthday party for her dog.  Leslie & Bonnie are in.  Melissa’s going to take a pass.  I’m with you, Melissa.  I’m not that hard up for a glass of champagne. And since Cindy & Leslie snub the other girls as they head off for drinks, I wonder if Bonnie will bother to come now too.  Oh wait, of course she’ll go.  It’s another opportunity to wear a costume.

Melissa:  Wait, Leslie and Melissa are now playing tennis together?  These ladies are so confusing with their back and forth.

First Comes Love, Then Comes A Closet

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie has been given the honor of having her own closet in her boyfriend Rip’s condo.  Whatever happened to a drawer?  And of course, it can’t just be any ol’ closet.  It has to be one designed by Cha Cha and her Diva Construction & Remodeling company.  Wait, so she’s really going to turn his office into a closet?  Are you shitting me?  Girl, go hang a few things in the closet and worry about taking over his office when you get a ring on your finger.  These people confuse me.

Melissa:  Oh, it’s Rip’s condo and Leslie’s “redesign” of a closet.  Wait, did Leslie just say she’d never take advantage of him?  HA… yeah, riiiight.

How Much For A Crotch Ring?

Rachel’s What Happened:  So, Kalyn has just cruised into Booger’s shop with her ex-boyfriend/current godbrother/Whitney’s ex to ask Whitney’s current boyfriend to pierce her vagina.  There isn’t one thing right about that sentence.  This is how Kalyn is going to get back at Whitney for calling her out at the pool.  Don’t you have some manure to shovel or something?  Booger isn’t buying the “oh we came here because you’re the best” story and defends his girl.  This Booger kid is growing on me.  Now, if only he’d do something about those earrings.  Ack!  Meanwhile, I’m thinking that having a needle pierce your vajay is probably going to be more painful for you than it is for the person upon whom you’re exacting this revenge… Just sayin…

Melissa:  Really, she and the ex-brother-boyfriend are still hanging out?  OK, gotta say, I’m loving Booger’s response to Twiddle Dumb and Dumber.  I would totally tell her I would give her a tat and give her the infamous steaming poo tat.  Yet she wants a piercing.  HA, I’d totally pierce her ‘gina together.

What?  She’s The Help.

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s time to get Leslie’s wardrobe out of the Vegas mall  world and into high fashion… Well, as high fashion as Leslie can manage.  Connie’s sure got her work cut out for her.  And apparently not just with Leslie as professional shopper Cindy is along for the ride and would like Connie to get her more champagne.  Well, she is a personal shopper and that’s what they do, no?   Uh, no.  Doesn’t get any better when she rolls up to Connie and asks her opinion then negates it by saying that Bonnie, also along for the ride, said the opposite.  Yeah, Cindy, you’re just being a snotty bitch right now and it’s not cool.  Spend a little less time working on your face (which for the record is freaking me out) and a little more time working on your charm.  You didn’t hire Connie.  She’s not there to help you.  She’s there to HELP her cousin as a FAVOR.  Go back to your champagne and stop talking.  Thank you.

Melissa: Yes, it’s the “redo” of Leslie.  HA, Connie! Leslie’s shopping for herself is, in fact, tragic.  OK Cindy, you’re a bit of a douche to be honest.

Crotch Contention 

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for Whitney to hear about Kalyn’s vagina piercing.  Not shocking that Kalyn didn’t go through with it, but she did make poor Booger have to walk her through the procedure.  But well, if she wanted to get under Whitney’s skin, it worked.  Whitney has a temper tantrum and storms off leaving Boogs alone in the dog park.  See Whit, had you completely ignored the sitchmo, you’d have actually won this round because this is what she wants to happen.  Not that I’d ever expect you to take the mature road… ever.

Melissa:  OK Whitney, you can’t get all crazy on the Boogs here.  He’s got a business to protect.  Besides, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  This way you can feed him ideas on how to work “skank” into a tat so only you and a few close friends… and a national television audience will know about it.

Redo The Redo

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ah yes, another loving mother-daughter exchange between Cha Cha & Shaye.  Well, at least Cha Cha is nice to her cat.  She’s too busy anyway to deal with her kids, she has Leslie’s closet to discuss.  And as with everything Leslie, she has over-promised and under-delivered.  She is no longer turning the office into a closet.  She’s turning the second closet into a… closet.  So, she’ll need less stuff and more cubbies.  Never mind that all the materials have not only been ordered already but were being installed the next day.  Uh, didn’t Leslie sign off on a contract for the work?  She’s kinda stuck no?  Cha Cha seems to think she is, but still calls her a C-bomb in front of her daughter.  Yeah, this chick is all class all the time.

Melissa:  EW, I’m not cool with cats up on counters… that’s nasty.  Wait, did she just call her client a C you next Tuesday?

No Big Dogs Allowed

Rachel’s What Happened:  I apologize in advance to the animal lovers out there, but dog birthday parties are ridiculous.  I’m sorry.  I’m not generally a person that likes to tell people how to spend their money – or in this case someone else’s money that you suckered – but what a gargantuan waste.  Well, at least some local business are getting work.  See how I just did a Mrs. Brightside on that?

Meanwhile, Bonnie shows up in yet another costume with her dog.  Since he’s not a lap dog, he isn’t invited in the house.  Clearly, everyone knows that a doggie birthday party is only for the small dogs.  Duh, Bonnie.  Seriously though, there are rules and a caste system for dogs?  Cindy makes Bonnie sit outside by herself. Thankfully, Leslie is kind enough to bring her champagne.  Bonnie finds the whole situation rude.  I find the fact that you’re still sitting there confusing.  If you’re waiting for Whitney, why not just call her on her cell and tell her you’re leaving?  Modern technology.  You’re a professor.  Figure it out.  Though I am in agreement that Cindy sucks.

Meanwhile inside, Cindy is beating the shit out of a dog piñata which seems really wrong considering the party is for dogs.  But why question logic in a situation where no logic applies?  And speaking of no logic, seems Bonnie & Whitney didn’t manage to work out that communication thing as Whitney shows up, dressed as a cat, with he giant dog.  She too is banished to the backyard.  BTW, what’s with the high-strung 12-year-old boy in the red shirt?

Whitney & Bonnie leave the party after some discussion about how rude it is to be sitting outside.  And yet, you sat outside and actually had to think that through.  Just gonna sit here and shake my head a while.

Melissa:  Oh, the purse-dog party!!  I loves me a little purse-dog.  I do – not the obnoxious yippy ones though.  Wait, Cindy’s going to be shitty over Bonnie’s dog?  Please, I love that her dog is perfectly chill while the little purse-dogs are freaking out.  I hope both dogs take huge dumps in the bushes.

Back In The Closet

Rachel’s What Happened:  And we’re back in Leslie’s closet where she’s still making changes to what she wants.  She’s also not liking the paint color she chose that she doesn’t remember choosing.  She’s gonna get herself slapped.  Cha Cha handles herself better than one would expect when faced with someone that can’t stick to a decision and then blames the designer for not being wowed with the choices.  However, throwing the paint samples on the floor and storming off isn’t probably the most professional reaction by Cha Cha, though I guess we should all be glad she chose the “walk away” route tonight.  Too bad Leslie isn’t on the same page with that and explains to Cha Cha that she knows she’s in dire financial straits so that’s why she hired her.  Yeow.  Way to throw a low blow, Leslie.  Regardless of what kind of person I think Cha Cha is, that’s just cold blooded nastiness from Leslie.  Then again, is anyone surprised?  She just loves a good old fashioned confrontation so she can air out other people’s dirty laundry.  See now Cha Cha, this is when no one would blame you for hitting someone.

Melissa:  Are you kidding me with this closet?  Man, what would be funny is if D hauled off and slapped her in the face for this insanity.  That being said, D needs to take it down a notch with she’s dealing with clients.

Day Drinking

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, look at what we have here, Cindy day drinking out of her flask in the middle of a restaurant.  Honey, why not just save yourself the effort and have an IV drip of vodka put in your arm.  But this isn’t an intervention.  This is a rip on Cha Cha session.  Leslie tells Cindy about the closet incident and makes sure to bring up Cha Cha’s finances while she’s at it.  You know you’re playing really dirty pool if you’re actually making me feel anything in the realm of sympathy for Cha Cha.  But there are those people in the world that need to tear others down to make themselves feel better.  BTW, that’s not at all what’s happening here.  TWB are here for the comedy.  Only the comedy.  Oh yeah, and the wine.

Time to now discuss Bonnie’s giant party faux pas in the world according to Cindy.  She can’t believe Bonnie wouldn’t know better.  Leslie says Bonnie’s dog is chill, but then gives her crap for leaving abruptly in her confessional.  She was ostracized to the backyard by herself!  Why would she have stayed?  And are you really ripping on Bonnie’s costume wearing tendencies a week after calling her out for not having your back?  Well, I’m glad Leslie and Cindy have each other to share in their suckitude.

Melissa:  Does anyone worry that not only does Cindy drink constantly, but she brings her own flask wherever she goes?  I mean, I love a cocktail like the next Winey Bitch, but I RARELY carry a flask.  No, really just one time and it was for someone else… I swear!  Really Cindy, Bonnie’s dog isn’t dangerous – which dogs were the ones flipping their shit at your party?

Yeehaw!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Apparently there’s another party at the club and this time it’s a rodeo.  Oh sorry, it’s a Texas BBQ.  Boogs & Whitney show up in Native American costumes and actually look cute.  I have to admit it.  Leslie thinks she also looks “Indian” but really she’s just wearing a multi-colored tunic over white pants.  Then there’s Cindy wearing yet another see-through shirt.  Yikes lady, no one is trying to see your bra.  Trust.

Because Leslie can never let anything lie, she approaches Cha Cha and apologizes for making her crazy with all her changes.  Waiting for the shoe to drop… Oh, no shoe this time.  Peace has been brokered thanks to Cha Cha wanting to get more clients and Leslie wanting… I have no idea.  I guess we’re just lucky peaceful Leslie showed up today.

Less interested in creating peace is Whitney.  She’s more interested in putting Kalyn in her place.  So she rolls up on her and lets everyone know that she wanted to get her vagina pierced.  LOL… Ah yeah, nothing goes with ribs and cole slaw like pierced vaginas.  Kalyn pretends she has no idea what Whitney’s accusations are about though is there any other explanation for showing up to the workplace de Boogs for a crotch pierce.  Realizing this, she cops to just trying to get a rise out of Whitney.   Note to Whitney, this is when you should realizing that that’s what she’s getting… a rise out of you.  This would be the perfect time to walk away with a nonchalant pfft.  Too late.

Cindy, off the Tyler hunt, starts circling Jason, Bonnie’s husband.  After letting him know just how single she is – I believe it was very very very single – she starts working the flattery angle.  After that doesn’t raise his blood pressure at all, she begins the next attack plan which is to let him know the hugely tacky move his wife made by bringing a big dog to what was clearly a little dog party.  But before she can get her meat hooks any further into Jason, Bonnie intervenes.  Seems she’s not digging that Cindy yelled at her at her party or that she snubbed her after tennis or that she mussed Jason’s hair.  And it doesn’t get any better when Cindy calls her insignificant.  And it’s Round 2 of the Platinum Blondes Sound Off.  Bonnie goes off.  Melissa tries to break it up.  Cindy storms off.  Wonder whose side Leslie is going to take?

Melissa:  Yeah Leslie, you’re not even close to anything Western or Cowboy.  Nice Whitney, way to announce Kalyn wanting to get her ‘gina pierced.  That was genius.  You just scored some points with me.  OK, what’s up with Cindy hitting on Jason / Gutter?  That’s not cool.  I think I need to rethink Cindy in general?  Is she a little off her rocker, or is it just me?  You’re not Pam, sweetie.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  While I still think Pam was a much better villain, it seems that Cindy is actually the one taking on the role this season.  She’s going to have to take some lessons on one-liners if she’s going to make it work for her.  And I’m still not OK with the resolution on the Cha Cha slap… at all.  I might have to start a letter-writing campaign.

Melissa:  <sigh> I miss Heidi and Pam.

One Sentence Summary - The ladies return for another season of mud slinging, but there are two huge missing pieces.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, who’s the luckiest girl in the room tonight?  Me.  Granted I’m the only girls in the room, but anyway…  And why is that?  Because not only is Big Rich Texas back, but one of my favorite Sex & The City episodes was on right before it.  The one where Carrie meets Big outside his engagement party and tells him his girl is lovely a la The Way We Were.  That one never gets old.  And you know what else never gets old… Oh wait, I was going to try and create some pithy little connection between SATC and BRT, but let’s be honest, I’d be overstating just a tad.  The shenanigans get really old, but right now, I’m more excited than a dog with two tails to see these crazy ladies back in action.  Well, the crazy ladies and the one class act, my girl Heidi Dillon.  I can’t wait to find out how she handled Pam’s ultimatum to the Fashionistas at the end of the last season.  OK, enough yapping.  Let’s get this party started!

Melissa:  OK, so I was totally caught off guard seeing the first episode on my DVR!!  WOOHOO!  What a perfect ending to my weekend.  Ah-hem… Miami ladies, tune in and learn how it’s done.  I’m so giddy with excitement I’m almost shaking.

Welcome Back

Rachel’s What Happened:  Uh, neither Pam nor Connie were in the opening credits.  This does not make me happy to see.  I know Pam wasn’t exactly the nicest lady in the genteel south, but she sure made things fun.  I guess she’s keeping her promise to leave these bitches in the dust.  And Connie didn’t bring a whole lot to the table, but she did love to give Cha Cha an eye roll, which I always appreciated.  Ah well, let’s move on…

We start off with Leslie who has apparently found herself a little sugar daddy in the off-season; one with a private jet and a credit card that works at Tory Burch.  I wonder how long before we see Leslie in a new car that doesn’t remotely fall in line with her “I drive a Prius because I lead a green life” motto?

Oh wait, there’s Connie at the pool with the rest of the ladies; Melissa, Deaynni (Cha Cha) & Bonnie.  So maybe not all is lost!  Seems she’s actually happy she handed her Social Chair position off to Cha Cha…. mostly because now she can sit back and bash every event the club has and let us all know how she would have done it better.  But who really cares about a Casino event when Bonnie knows about a Botox party happening at Dr. A’s best client’s home… whom I’m assuming is the new cast member.  Meanwhile, I love that all of these women are at the pool in muumuus.  Clearly they do not subscribe to the Housewife “teeny bikini” rule and I thank them for that.

And since we’re all wondering what happened to Pam, Bonnie gets the job of asking where she is so Connie can tell us that she’s in Spain.  No one’s especially sad to hear that she’ll be there for a while.  In fact, that news is so good that Bonnie has even opened her heart to Melissa now that she’s not suckling from Pam’s teet anymore. Now that we’ve covered the new girl, Pam & the Bonnie-Melissa truce, let’s move on to Leslie.  Seems she’s been telling everyone that her boyfriend is a Billionaire.  Yes, with a “B”.  Melissa’s not buying it, but the other ladies think it’s fabulous.  Cha Cha thinks she’s found her Christian Grey… Oh please let’s not talk about “50 Shades of Grey”.  Pretty please.  I really don’t get the hoopla over that book.  Might have been one of the worst written books in the history of publishing.  But Cha Cha didn’t read it for the art.  She read it for the porn.  Apparently, she’s into hard core porn and not afraid to say it.  Awesome.  So you slap your kids, humiliate them in public and then go home to watch some Breast Side Story.  Class act the whole way around.

Melissa:  Yeah Leslie, I thought you were all about going green… How is a private jet sustainable? I love that the Texas ladies just lounge poolside.  Deaynne is excited about her casino night for the club, but what I don’t get is the bump-it in the hair.  What the hell is that woman?  I can’t even focus on what you’re saying.  HA, Connie, I love you, the party would have been like Cabo, not Tijuana if you had planned it – HAHA!!  True that, my dear. Wait, Pam is in Spain?  NOOOOOOOO!!  Next thing they’ll tell me there will be no Fashionista interaction and no Heidi Dillon… THAT, my Style Network friends, I will not stand for.  You better bring it with the Heidi and it better be soon!  I’m glad to see there’s no love lost between Melissa and Leslie.  Ew Deaynne, I don’t want to know you like your porn hard core.

I Heart Boogers

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh look, Jason still hasn’t cut his hair and Whitney didn’t last out in LA.  Two very shocking developments.  Seems Whitney  has moved home to go to esthetician school … and spend her mom’s money.  But at least she has someone to keep her company.  Yes, that would be her boyfriend Booger that she met on the side of a highway.  You read every word of that sentence correctly.  How does meeting someone by the side of a highway even happen?  Just when you think Whitney couldn’t get any classier, she just goes and proves you wrong.  I really didn’t think you could take a step back after dating the braintrust that is Tyler.  Clearly I was mistaken.  I realize we haven’t yet met the gentleman that calls himself Booger, but I’m thinking it’s a safe bet to assume on this one.

Melissa:  I’m glad to see Bonnie’s husband is still rocking his Gutter look – is that really a cultivated look, or just lack of caring?  Hey, Whitney is back. I guess Cali didn’t have the direct access to Bonnie’s wallet so it just made sense to come home.  She met a guy named Booger on the side of the highway and decided she should date him?  Yeah, that makes SO much sense.

There’s A New Botox Bitch In Town

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the Botox party at our newest cast member Cindy’s house.  Bonnie is already not liking that this woman is taking her title as Dr. A’s #1 Patient.  Wait ’til she starts stealing her camera time as well.  Personally, I’m not sure being a plastic surgeon’s best patient is something to brag about.

Dr. A tells Whitney he was sad to see her leave his practice but is happy to hear that she’s back in esthetician school. I think he was being sincere, but it’s hard to tell since his forehead doesn’t move.  Guess he’s been sampling his own product.  He offers Whitney the honored slot of being his first patient of the evening.  Really?  Botox in a 22-year-old’s face?  That’s ridiculous.  We are quickly careening into a world of expressionless women.  Too bad many of them don’t also become opinion-less too.  Dare to dream.

And speaking of things that are inappropriate, seems Cindy spends some quality time partying with her friend’s 24-year-old daughter.  Her daughter thinks it’s weird.  Mom does not.  Anyone else think the kids on this show are far more mature than the parents… minus Whitney, natch.  It really is really a room full of role models, isn’t it?

Oh joy, Leslie has arrived.  Melissa cringes every time she hears Leslie’s voice and I’m going to fathom a guess that she’s not alone.  Leslie tells the girls that she’s been traveling all over with her man.  They’ve been to DC, New  York, Florida & Hawaii.  Look, I’m not poo-pooing any of those lovely places, but if you’re boyfriend is a billionaire, you should be returning from places like Santorini, Capri and Paris.  Just saying…. Cindy introduces herself to Leslie, who is thrilled that someone else in the room isn’t originally from Texas.  Leslie, the ladies don’t not like you because you’re not from Texas.  (Now I’m singing Lyle Lovett in my head.) They don’t like you because you’re so full of shit your eyes are turning brown.  Hey, I have brown eyes so I can say that.

And because Cindy hasn’t yet learned to juke when Leslie comes at her with a conversation, she gets to hear all about how she withdrew from the Fashionistas.  Oh tread carefully, Leslie.  Don’t even dare say a bad word about my girl, Heidi.  Melissa overhears Leslie and is ready to defend our girl’s honor as well.  Seems the real story, according to Melissa, is that Leslie was asked to leave.  Melissa makes this known to Cindy and the rest of the room.  I can’t tell if anyone is shocked at the accusation since no one’s face actually moves.  But one person who’s not having any of it is Cindy.  She tells Melissa in no uncertain terms to take her BS elsewhere.  This is her party, at her house, with her friends, and she’s not interested in Melissa’s drama.  Melissa says she was just protecting Cindy.  How gallant of you Melissa, but our Cindy doesn’t need your protection.  I’m liking this new lady so far.  Go on girl… Oh Leslie, the tears are a little much for me, but Cindy is buying into it so I’ll have to give you a well-played on that one.

Melissa:  A Botox party?  I find it fascinating that, instead of book club, it’s Botox.  Ah, so this is our new friend, Cindy?  Ew, OK… For real, I’m entirely too chicken for all these needles!  Now who is this Nikki girl? Do I need to remember her?  At least Leslie has a “non-Texan” soul sister.  And finally, we get a hint at the Fashionistas… Heidi can’t be far!  Wait, Leslie withdrew her membership?  Oh, thanks Melis for clearing that up… She was asked to leave.  Here we go… Round 27 for Melissa and Leslie.  I love that these ladies think nothing of starting arguments in the middle of parties.  Way to step in, Cindy.  Really with the waterworks Leslie?

Free Cupcakes 

Rachel’s What Happened:  Shaye & Maddie stop in to the bakery to see Kalyn and score some free cupcakes.  I don’t blame them.  I’d be hitting her up daily if it were me.  It’s a damn good thing my baker sister-in-law lives in Cleveland or I’d be at her door every hour on the hour.  But I’d walk so, you know, the calories wouldn’t count.  SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT:  If you’re in the Cleveland area and need some custom baked goods, check out:  saltedcararmelohio.com.  She’s a phenomenal baker.  Trust me.  I have a phenomenal sweet tooth.  Mmmm… cake pops…

But back to the task at hand… Seems the love affair that Kalyn had with the bakery has come to a tragic end… not unlike her relationship with her almost-brother.  But that’s not the shocking piece of information here.  No, that would be that Shaye is not allowed to date until after college.  College?  That’s insane.  That’s also how you end up with kids that climb out of their bedroom window in the middle of the night so they can go and meet some guy they met on the side of a highway… Oh wait.

Melissa:  I’m glad to see Kalyn is still working at the bakery.  Wonder if she’s still hooking up with her “brother”?  Ah, so she’s not thrilled with work and opening the bakery.  Wait, what the hell was that scene about?

What’s One More Hole In Whitney’s Head?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh look, it’s Booger.  Anyone else think he looks like The Situation with a lot of holes & studs in his face?  And I know I have no business saying this as I am a woman with more than one tattoo, but the giant holes in the ears look is just vile to me.  Makes me seriously gag.  No no, I take that back.  The giant “Mayhem” tattoo on Whitney’s stomach actually is making me gag.  Please tell me that’s not real.  Apparently, it is.  As are the eight piercings Booger has done on her.  I actually started to try and figure out where you put 8 piercings, but thought better of it seeing as how I’m already nauseated.

Melissa:  Oh look, it’s Booger.  He looks like a “Booger”.  Sweet Mary that’s a hideous tat!  Amen Bonnie, that tat will look dumb as hell after her first child. Rachel:  Uh, it’s looks dumb as hell now.

Do As I Say.  Not As I Do.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie catches Kalyn video chatting with a guy who’s showing off his abs.  She hangs up on him because it’s inappropriate.  I’d think you’d just be happy those abs weren’t attached to your son.  But Leslie isn’t often happy when it comes to Kalyn and that doesn’t change when she finds out she’s quitting the bakery.  So, that makes pageants, school and baking under Kalyn’s “don’t feel like it anymore” belt.  Lighting the world on fire there, aren’t you kid?  Leslie isn’t cool with it and she’s less cool with Kalyn saying that Leslie’s not doing anything anymore either now that she has a rich boyfriend.  Yeah, well see, rich boyfriends are more likely to pay the rent than some dude on the other end of an iPhone chat.  So, there’s that.  Now, where the hell is Heidi already?

Melissa:  Well, I guess she’s not banging her “brother” anymore, although she is busy getting ab shots from some random guy.  There we go, Kalyn. Quit the bakery.  Make another great choice in life.  I’m still confused about this relationship

With This Key, I Thee Bone

Rachel’s What Happened:  Uh, more tattoos, Whitney?  Really?  Booger would like her to maybe wait a beat before getting more since it’s going to look like he was the influence.  He wants her parents to like him.  I’m thinking you might have wanted to have that conversation with yourself before you shoved 8 new piercings into her body.  Food for thought.  You know, when you decide to have one.  Doesn’t matter though since Whitney thinks the concept of her man wanting to have a positive relationship with her parents absurd.  Of course you do.  You don’t respect them, so why should he bother?

But Booger’s not just all holes and ink, he’s a romantic too.  He has a present for Whitney and it comes in a little square box.  Engagement stud?  No.  Not quite.  It’s a key to his pad which he’d like to share with her.  I just hope it’s not located on the side of a freeway.  Just out of curiosity, have they actually been dating for more than 10 minutes?

Melissa: Why does she want another tattoo?  OK, I have to give Boogs some props here on wanting her folks to like him.  I’m going with “will you be my girlfriend” stud in that box.  Damn, it’s a key?  How long have they known each other?

Vintage Is So Five Minutes Ago

Rachel’s What Happened:  Say what?  Is that really Cha Cha & Connie willingly playing tennis together & having fun?  I think that’s the first sign of the apocalypse.  As the two ladies cool down from their rigorous one volley of tennis, Leslie and her pigtails show up for a visit.  Not one to miss an opportunity to kick up some dust, she lets Connie know about Melissa’s outing her & her Fashionista dismissal at the ‘Tox party.  Connie says that it was actually Heidi’s decision not to accept her into the club.  Of course, Leslie says she had withdrawn before the meeting.  Uh, then why were you at the meeting asking to be accepted into the group?  Just for fun?  But she doesn’t want to waste her breath on Melissa… Right, because you just got busted in another lie so let’s pretend you’re above the gossip and move along.

But Leslie’s apparently not above insulting Connie’s business because apparently now vintage clothing is now below her.  That’s right.  Her boyfriend thinks she only wears new clothes and that’s how she’s going to roll from here on out. But hey, she will donate some clothes to Connie’s store.  That’s right.  She hasn’t forgotten about the little people.  What a saint.

Melissa: OK, for real, can I just start calling Deaynni “D” because I literally have to pause to check spelling on her name every time I reference her?  I won’t steal Cha-Cha, but I’m definitely going with D at this point.  HA, seriously, I love these women and their gossip.  Thanks, Leslie, for showing up to dish on the ladies at the Botox party.  Hang on, now that Heidi decided not to let Leslie in the Fashionistas, does that mean we don’t get any Heidi fix?  Say it isn’t so!  Come on, I waited forever to get a little Heidi fabulousness!  Damn Leslie, was that a diss on Connie about only wanting to wear new clothes?  You better watch yourself and that attitude, my dear.  Last I checked, there wasn’t a ring on that finger.

It’s Pretty Because It’s New

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie has decided that since Cindy was so nice to her at the ‘Tox party, she’s going to include her and her daughter on her “new clothing” excursion.  She can have whatever she wants since her boyfriend is going to pay for it.  How have I never had one of these boyfriends?  I gotta work on that.  Pronto.  Cindy advises her to buy as much as she can now, you know, in case it doesn’t last.  I suppose that’s practical advice.  Not so much romantic, but practical.

Speaking of things you didn’t earn, Cindy’s daughter Alex has decided that when she’s turns 16 she would like a white Range Rover.  Yeah, well when I turn forty…. uh… something, I want Christian Bale naked.  Hey, if we’re demanding things we want that have no basis in reality, then I’m getting in on the action.  Kalyn just wants to make enough money to put gas in her car.  Come on, you must want something else.  Oh, seems she also wants a shirt & a purse.  Is Rick the billionaire buying that too?

Leslie asks Cindy if she’ll go with her to the Casino party.  I guess Cindy isn’t a member of the country club.  She is a member of the “give my daughter whatever she wants” club, however.  My approval rating of Cindy is falling faster than a politician’s after a wide stance in the men’s room incident.

When it’s Kalyn’s turn to check out with her “mom”, she gets the hand.  Leslie would like Kalyn to know what it means to earn something… said as she buys her clothes with someone else’s money.  See, Rick is her boyfriend.  If he wants to buy her nice things, he can, but that doesn’t spill over to Kalyn.  Wow, this bitch is something else.  Throw the poor girl a bone.  It’s not like you respect your boyfriend’s bank account.   I still wonder how she’s a better role model than Kalyn’s real mom.

Melissa: I like that Leslie thinks this one is a keeper.  Sorry Kalyn, Alex can ask for a Range Rover.  You clearly don’t have the sugar mama she does.  HA, wait… No really… Wait.  Kalyn just said she thought since Leslie invited her shopping she was picking up the tab?  BAHAHAHA… PRICELESS!  Guess you aren’t getting your matching purse now are you?  Nice job, Leslie. Way to show her she needs to work and achieve things on her own… Like you do.  Gotta teach ‘em young about getting a man to pay your bills.

A Meeting of The Minds

Rachel’s What Happened:  OK, since I’m playing celebrity lookalikes tonight, I’m calling Nikki out on her wanna-be Blake Lively/Serena Van der Woodsen look.  Anywho, she meets up for a few drinks with Whitney so they can get to know each other better.  They’re barely scratching the boyfriend stories surface when Cindy shows up to join them.  Whitney finds the situation odd.  And for the first time ever, Whitney & I agree on something.  But you know, it’s good to have a mother figure around when you need some boy advice.  And Cindy’s advice is never live with a man.  And by never, she means ever.  Apparently, she was married for 6 months and that would be the extent of her cohabitation history.

But the advice train doesn’t stop there.  No, she is also of the mind that men are only good for money.  You can “duplicate” everything else, but you can’t duplicate money.   And let’s put the period on the end of that sentence with a shot.  This woman’s a class act.  But it’s not like she’s the first cougar on the prowl desperate for attention.  No, sadly, there’s an entire colony of them next town over from me in Boca Raton.  You all have permission to come and physically remove me from a bar if you ever catch me behaving that way.  Seriously.

Melissa:  Oh look, it’s Cindy out on the prowl.  Whoops, Nikki actually invited her, never mind.  Cindy has never lived with a guy with the exception of the husband she had for less than 6 months?  I love the moral compass these ladies provide for the younger generation.  “Men are good for money.”  I mean, who wasn’t raised that way?

Friends Who Dye Together… 

Rachel’s What Happened:  Bonnie joins Melissa for some pre-Casino Party prep time at the local salon.  Melissa says she has a hard time keeping her temper when she’s around Leslie.  She thinks she’s a snake.  Well, you’re not wrong.

But enough about Leslie, let’s talk about Booger!  Bonnie tells Melissa about Whitney’s beloved.  Can’t say as it’s a proud mama moment, especially when the hairdresser chimes in with “So, Whitney picked a Booger?”  Zing!  We’ll be here all night folks!  Alright, it was funny, but poor Bonnie is going to have to hear that the entire time those two are together.  So, what are giving that?   Til the end of the third episode?

Melissa:  HA, the “can’t we all get along” mantra.  I get you think Booger’s a bad influence Bonnie, but it’s not like they’re doing meth in the driveway.  He seems like a nice enough guy, which means Whitney will tire of him quickly.

It Ain’t A Party Until Drinks Fly

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the Casino Party!  If I remember correctly, this was the scene of the first profanity explosion of last season.  How long til the bleeping starts tonight?  I’m giving it a few extra minutes since we are absent one Pamela Martin, Queen of The Cursing.

Wait, Leslie could have picked any “new” dress she wanted and she picks a teal blue prom dress from 1987?  What is that?  And speaking of things that should have stayed in the past, Tyler is back.  Oh joy.  I can already feel my IQ dropping…  And my dinner rising as Cindy starts hitting on him.  Lady, take a hormone pill.  Yours are clearly raging out of control.  And as if the family dysfunction wasn’t complete, Kalyn announces that she’s quit her job to Leslie at the poker table.  Good times, everyone!  Nothing people love more than a side of bickering with their martinis.  Looks like someone is going to be back in the pageant world, whether she likes it or not.

So, I’m guessing that Melissa’s storyline this year is hating on Leslie since it’s all she seems able to talk about.  I guess being Pam’s understudy is finally paying off.  And she’s pretty sure Leslie’s boyfriend is make believe.  But if he’s not, she’s using him for his money.   So he’s either pretend or being used?  Way to cover your bases.

Mr. Scoma makes his obligatory appearance and tries to recruit Cindy to the club.  Clearly, she’ll be a member soon enough seeing as how it’s probably in her contract if she wants to stay on the show.  Meanwhile, Tyler catches a glimpse of Whitney and her new man and is actually gracious about it.  Says they make a nice couple.  Kalyn is less impressed. She thinks they’re trashy and that she’ll kick him to the curb if she finds a text from a girl on his phone.  Aw, isn’t that sweet.  Still bitter on behalf of your ex-lover/brother.

And in other Whitney news, Cindy springs the news that Whitney & Booger are soon to be co-habitating on Bonnie & Jason.  Good job.  And off goes Bonnie like a raging bull.  She is not letting Whitney move out of her house.  No way.  She’s going to chain her to her bed until she’s 40.  I mean if she doesn’t live at home, how will Bonnie know she’s going to school?  OMG, your daughter is 22, not 15.  Stop treating her like she’s a child… even if she behaves like one.  If she wants to move in with a man named Booger, then that’s her choice.  If she goes off course for the “ninetieth time”, so be it.  Let her go off the rails and then let her figure the rest out afterwards.  She hasn’t achieved shit yet because she never has to with you constantly picking up the pieces.  How do you not get that?

Bonnie runs off to tell Leslie, who doesn’t miss an opportunity to make it about herself.  That’s right, Leslie tells her boys that if they want to live with a girl, they had better put a ring on it.  And she also told her boyfriend that… Bonnie takes the bait and asks Leslie if she’s getting engaged. Leslie’s hoping that’s where it’s going.  Yes, let’s talk about me!  But she doesn’t get too far into the gloating before Melissa calls her a gold digger from across the room.  Oh Melissa, get a life.  Although Leslie doesn’t really take the high road when she turns around and tells Melissa she has no money.   Yeah, neither of you are going to go home with the classy award for the night.

And so begins yet another round of screaming that culminates in drinks being thrown in each others faces.  OK, you know, these women waste a lot of liquor.  And I’m sorry, there is no good reason for that.  Ever.

Melissa:  It’s time for the ladies to party it up!  Hey look everyone, it’s Tyler!  And it also looks like Cindy might want to take him for a test drive.   Retract your claws, sweetie.  Wait, didn’t Kalyn already tell Leslie she quit?  I’m confused.  Maybe it’s the pinot cloud settling over me.  Leslie, of course she wants to do nothing and find a man like you.  You should be proud she wants to follow in your footsteps.  HA, I love that Bonnie’s husband was completely in another world when Bonnie heard about the new living arrangements.  Here’s the thing, Bon, maybe let her live on her own and make her own mistakes.  Cut the strings!  Wait, did Leslie just say ‘her boys’?  She has more than Tyler?  There’s my girl Melissa starting again… I love it!!  Oh Leslie, stop it you’re not a victim.  The look just doesn’t work for you.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Uh, where the hell was Heidi?  I’m not cool with this at all.  I’m also not cool with Cha Cha being back and clearly having learned nothing from the slap heard round the world last year.  Looks like we get another go ’round this year.  Ack.

Melissa:  Jersey may have the Teresa table-flip, but these ladies know how to rock a drink to the face like nobody’s business!  Welcome back my dears… I’ve missed you so.  Now where the eff is Heidi?