Tag Archives: Deaynni

Big Rich Texas Season 2, Week 9 – Bonnie-plasty

One Sentence Summary – The Fashionistas turf war ratchets up a notch and Whitney finally gets what’s coming to her… sort of.

Why oh why can’t these women let me enjoy my diamonds & champagne in peace?

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, the Tyler/Kalyn drama fizzled out faster than a homemade firework in a rainstorm.  But thankfully we have the war of attrition between Pam and Leslie to keep us entertained.  They won’t stop until one of them wears the other down to the point of submission.  The reality is that they’re going to wear us all down long before either of them cries uncle.  I haven’t yet chosen a side as they both drive me crazy with their insane behavior but, if I had to pick a t-shirt, I’d probably go Team Pam.  She’s nasty and a total snob, but that trumps Leslies’ crazy; at least in my book.  And if the previews are right, Whitney has finally thrown the last straw on her mother’s back and gets her comeuppance.  Fingers crossed!  I know you can do it, Bonnie! 

Melissa: Tummy’s not so much feeling good tonight friends.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this episode without a little sustenance, but the belly won’t have it, and I cannot bear to wait until I’m feeling better. How I suffer for my craft… 

BFFs Forever

Thelma minus a Louise.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Hannah and Whitney go bar hopping, and lucky, underage Hannah gets to be designated driver.  Ah, the joys of Texas bar laws. You can hang out in a bar if you’re under 21.  You just can’t drink.  And I see Hannah has fallen victim to the ombre hair fad going on.  Why girls?  Why?  It just looks like you used cheap dye and it’s fading in an upward motion.  Anyway,  Jason took Whitney’s car away for smoking in it, so she took his to spite him.  She decided that since it was Jason laying down the law and not her mom, she didn’t have to pay any attention to it.  Seriously, this child needs a good hard kick in the ass.  A steel-toe-in-the-crack kick in the ass.

Melissa:  Poor Hannah.  Since she’s underage, she has to schlep Whitney around… OH, now I get the friendship!! And in Jason/Gutter’s car.  I’m sorry, but since I unleashed that comparison, I’m going to use it liberally.  So she’s going to take his car because he took hers (which I’m sure he’s footing the bill for).  OK, seriously I think I was more mature at 12 than she is at 24.

Semantics

Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?

Rachel’s What Happened:  And not only did Whitney take Jason’s car, she didn’t bother to come home with it.  Sweet kid.  And here is Bonnie still defending her.  She says that Jason only took her car away and not the other cars, so technically she didn’t do anything wrong.  OMG, bring that steel toed boot over here because Bonnie could use a swift one in the derriere as well.  I love that Jason says that Bonnie is literally insane.  Yep.  Roger that.  Jason wants her to deal with it because she’s the one that allows Whitney’s behavior.  I love that Bonnie looks incredulous at that.  For a smart woman, she is so dumb sometimes.  But she says she will do something about Whitney because she can’t be stuck in between the two of them anymore.  And in news of other smart ideas, seems Bonnie is going to another plastic surgeon because she doesn’t want to wait for her nose job like Dr. A said she should.  Sounds like a great idea.

Melissa:  I don’t understand why Jason and Bonnie put up with this shit.  Really, were I Jason, I would have called the car in stolen, had the GPS find it & tow it.  I’m sorry.  And why is Bonnie Obsessed with a nose job?  If the doctor tells you it’s a good idea to wait, maybe you want to listen… it’s a crazy idea.

Not In My House

Please go home so my mother stops yelling at me.

Rachel’s What Happened:  I love that Pam is lecturing Hannah about bad behavior when she is the one that was actually sober & responsible last night.  I’m assuming mostly because TV cameras & fake IDs don’t mix.   Regardless, I’m not sure why she’s getting an earful about behavior when it’s her darling friend that’s passed out upstairs that needs the talking to.  Whitney finally wakes up and she’s got a slammin’ hangover that I can only hope gets magnified by the ass whooping she’s in for at home.

Melissa:  I love how Pam doesn’t question Hannah’s friendship with Whitney, and just sort of laughs off the bender Whitney went on last night.

It Ain’t Easy Being Green

No seriously, Pam’s neck would fit so perfectly in my hands.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie brings Connie some information on how to do a “green” build-out for her store and reminds us of her environmentally friendly lifestyle.  Um, what about her condo is eco-friendly?  I looked it up online and there is nothing about it being a green building.  Is it just that it doesn’t use as much electricity as a mansion?  Regardless, Leslie, we’re not buying your story.  I mean I’m all for the Prius (as I drive one myself), but methinks that being green is not the real reason you turned in the corvette.  But let’s not waste too much time talking about global warming when we have Pam to dish on.  Seems Leslie looked up sociopath online and Pam fits the criteria.  Well, if that’s the case, maybe you should stop pushing her buttons before she shanks you in the middle of a Fashionista event.  Speaking of which, Leeanne told Leslie she should throw one of her own events if she wants to be on the board, so she’s going to feature a mother-daughter team called Bling Is The New Black.  That’s right.  They bedazzle things.  Because nothing says “fashion forward” like bedazzling.  Connie says she had better make sure it’s not cheesy.  Good luck with that.

Melissa: Leslie is spreading her green lifestyle… OK girl, Connie seems less than enthused about your ideas for the shop.  No, Leslie didn’t just say she looked up sociopath online.  Really, is that something you actually admit to?  Wait, wait, wait… she’s taking bedazzlers to the Fashionistas?  Oh no… Really, this is just getting too good!!  The Fashionistas are going bling.  Yeah, I’m thinking no.

Get To Stepping

I can’t hear you if I’m sleeping.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Bonnie & Jason get home and want to know where Whitney’s been and why she didn’t answer her phone.  Like any classy lady, Whitney says it’s because she got wasted.  Oh well, there you have it.  Bonnie isn’t cool with that answer and says if Whitney’s going to live in her house, she’s going live by her rules.  Whitney says her rules are stupid.  With that, Jason’s had enough and says she’s being disrespectful.  Whitney is only disrespectful because they treat her like she’s 16.  No, they treat her like she’s 16 because that’s how she behaves.  Lord, really?  Bonnie, who seems to have gotten a backbone implant at the plastic surgeon, says she wants Whitney out by the end of the month.  She’s done.  Whitney responds with her signature flipping of the bird.  I seriously want to throttle this child.  Dear Reality Gods, please please please don’t let Bonnie waiver on this.  My gut says she’ll fold like a cheap lawn chair by the end of the show, but I’m begging here.  Begging.  In the meantime, Whitney is packing her bags and going to California to stay with Hannah.  Yeah, that is a wise financial move.  Move to one of the most expensive cities in the country with no job.  Genius!

Melissa:  Um Whitney, honey, if your argument is going to be “I’m 24”, then you’re really going to need to act it.  A solution isn’t running off to Cali to hang with your 18-year-old friend at school.

Now This Is Bling

I’m wearing a tiara. There’s nothing you can say to upset me.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the Royal Asscher Fashionista Diamond Event.  See, now that’s an appropriate show of bling.  Sensing she’s about to lose her membership, Connie apologizes to Heidi for the blow-up with Pam at her house.  Um, how about apologizing for the crap you actually said to Heidi?  Heidi says she’s surprised by the level of bitchiness between them all.  We all are, Heidi.  We all are.  Connie says that Pam just gets under her skin and she lost her cool in the heat of the moment.  Heidi is good with the apology, and has noticed that Pam has her moments as well.  Yes, she certainly does.

Melissa:  Wait, Heidi, you’re surprised about the level of bitchiness?  Have you not watched the show?  I totally want that tiara, btw.

Swimmin Pools, Movie Stars

LA – The land of permanent vacation… and smog.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney and Hannah are hanging out in LA and Whitney has no idea what’s going on with her mom.  She always has her back, and that’s why Jason gets pissed.  But she’s never seen her mom act the way she did and is glad she kicked her out.  She says that Bonnie has no idea that she’s in LA and she wants to keep it that way.  So, your mom kicks you out, you leave and she has no idea where you went?  My mother would have had an APB out on me within 24 hours of radio silence regardless of my age.  Then again, my mother panics if I don’t answer my phone.  Anyway, Hannah wants Whitney to move to LA – the land of permanent vacation and no parents.  Yeah, I lived there for 15 years.  While I can vouch for the no parents, you lost me at permanent vacation?  Well, I guess that’s true if your idea of a permanent vacation means sitting in the worst traffic you can imagine and paying obscene amounts of money for rent.  Then yeah, it’s a holiday and a half.  (Though I do love LA on the whole.)

Bedazzle This

Hey, don’t front.  I happen to like a bedazzle.

Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie approaches Heidi & Leeanne about her bedazzling event idea.  Oh the looks on their faces when the word “bedazzle” comes out of her mouth!  Yeah, that said it all.  It was even more priceless with Heidi sitting there in a diamond tiara.  Love that.  Pam, also witness to the announcement, can’t believe Leslie would be dumb enough to bring that idea up.  She asks Leslie if this is part of her pageant s**t.  Leslie says no it’s all upscale.  Heidi likes that it’s upscale and that it would be supporting a local Dallas business.  Pam openly calls bulls**t on the whole thing.  Leslie says Lady GaGa has hired them & she doesn’t think it’s bulls**t.  Well, say what you want about GaGa but it’s a nice trump card to lay on Pam.  Heidi is not deterred by Pam’s protests and says that Leslie should email her a preview of the bedazzled ware.  She’ll make a decision then.  Pam is so clearly pissed that Leslie is moving in on her territory that she again tells Heidi that Leslie is full of malarkey.  Well, she didn’t use the word “malarkey”.  I did.  It’s a good word and I was tired of typing s**t.

Melissa:  Um, I can’t believe you really just pitched a bedazzle party – even if they are local.  Again, I’m just loving that tiara.  I think I need to go get mine for the rest of the show.  You all laugh, but I have 2… Granted, one is a Disney Princess light up tiara, but I rock it.

Holy Hoochie

Nothing says “Fashionista” like a bedazzled bra.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie invites Leeanne to the country club so she can get pointers on how to make her event Fashionista-worthy.  Leslie pulls out some images of what the Bling ladies have done and, to say the least, they aren’t the most tasteful selections; blinged-out booty shorts and a bra.  She gets a bit of a warmer reception from Leeanne with the photo of a blinged-out iPad cover and custom guitar.  Leeanne likes the idea overall (really?) and would like to co-chair the party with Leslie (again, really?).  The Fashionistas are huge “blingers”, you know.  I don’t know.  Well, I guess it is Texas.  So, in the immortal words of Leslie Birkland, “Bling it on!”

Melissa:  Is Leeanne working on becoming a new BRT lady?  She’s all over the place lately.  OK, moment of mockery.  I know I’m not a Fashionista – and I have actually threatened to bedazzle the shit out of my team at work – but there is a line… Really folks, there actually are a few lines I just can’t bring myself to cross.

The Waters Don’t Run Deep

OMG, how are we friends?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney and Hannah pull up to the Crescent Hotel in Beverly Hills with a super that says Santa Monica, CA.  Good job, editors.  Anywho, Whitney says she’s all-in for life in La La Land.  Hannah is stoked but says Whitney has to seriously look for a job and apply to school.  A job shouldn’t be a problem since they’re in the mecca of plastic surgery… True dat.  Whitney, hearing all this great advice, comes to the conclusion that she should get a boob job and Hannah should take care of her while she heals.  Sweet Mary on a motorcycle!  That’s what you got out of that conversation?  This girl is giving me a migraine.

Melissa:  Really, when faced with being kicked out and moving to LA, Whitney’s first thought isn’t finding a job… it’s boobs?

Beat This

See, you bedazzle a sweatshirt and it makes it high-end.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh, I totally almost forgot about Kalyn & Tyler.  Connie stops by to give Leslie some clothes, while Tyler is at the table busy making beats.  OK, I seriously just paused my TV and gave that “Are you kidding me?” look to an empty room.  Because ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  This kid is not making beats.  LOLOL… Oh, that’s rich.  I can only imagine what they sound like.  I have a feeling Dr. Dre doesn’t need to be looking over his shoulder worried about Tyler’s beat-making.  But let’s get back to the bling.  Leslie has some samples to show Connie.  First up, a non-Swarovski crystalized sweatshirt that Kalyn is modeling.  Connie says no.  That’s not what the Fashionistas are about.  They are high-end.  Yeah Leslie, champagne and hoodies don’t mix.  Leslie says that’s not true because Leeanne agreed to co-host.  Well, clearly that’s not going to impress Connie since she doesn’t much care for Leeanne’s sense of style either.  So, Connie suggests she ups the ante so she doesn’t embarrass herself.  Ah, the support of good friends.

Melissa:  Tyler makes beats… WTF does that even mean?  I digress, Leslie’s still trying to get people in her corner and Connie isn’t biting.  Maybe because she wouldn’t be caught dead bedazzled.

Pocket Person

You’d better not make her prettier than me. I’m the prettiest fake blonde in your office!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back on the left coast, Whitney has shown up at a plastic surgeon’s office, not to drop off a resume, but to talk about getting boobs.  Riddle me this, Crazy Town, who exactly is paying for the new tatas?  Hannah, baffled as well by the financials, asks the same question.  Seems Miss Whitney is just gonna throw down mom’s credit card and let her pay it off.  She kicked her out so that’s her punishment.  Sigh…  In the doctor’s office, she tells him that she wants porn star boobies.  I’ve never seen a plastic surgeon actually have an uncomfortable moment discussing breast implants until now.  Once he collects himself, he says he needs some info from her before he can discuss her options.  She tells him she’s currently a D-cup and rings in at 4’11″.  Um, D-cup boobs on a girl under 5′ tall probably already qualifies as porn star boobs.  Just saying… And 4’11″… She’s a pocket person!  He tells her that she wants the high-profile saline implants.  As far as size goes, he is recommending a full D.  She says double D.  He says she doesn’t want to go to a place where she’ll have problems later in life.  Yes, way to look out for her well-being.  I say he should be telling her to get a life instead, but…  I seriously shake my head so often during this show that it’s a wonder I don’t have whiplash.

Melissa:  OK, I’m sorry, Bonnie, if you read this, but you need to cut off your daughter.  For real.  That girl has no respect at all.  She’s a 32D and wants bigger boobs?  At 5’ & 100 pounds, she’s going to have Bonnie shell out I don’t know how much so she can go fro a D to a “full” D?  Are you kidding me, Whitney?  I’m about done with you.

More More More…

Now now, just relax, and remember, there is no Whitney.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Meanwhile, in another plastic surgeon’s office somewhere in Dallas, Bonnie is about to get her nose done.  Oh, and she threw in a laser resurfacing treatment for good measure.  I’m gonna venture a guess here and say that Bonnie has a slight addiction to plastic surgery.  I know, quite a leap I just took.  Bonnie’s worried about where Whitney is, but Jason says she shouldn’t be.  She’s fine wherever she is and Bonnie needs to focus on her own well-being.  Anyone else think Jason is doing a happy dance every morning he wakes up in a Whitney-free house?

Melissa:  I love the level of denial Jason and Bonnie have about Whitney.

Dishing The Dish

Cheers to revenge!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Pam & Melissa meet for some dinner and some dish.  They both think all their friends have gone crazy and Leslie is the pied piper of the loony toon parade.  They do get a good laugh out of the bedazzlers though.  You know the owners of Bling Is The New Black are watching the episode and cringing every time someone calls them bedazzlers.  We bling things, dammit!  Anyway, Pam & Melissa want to bring Leslie down.  Oh how the revenge plot thickens. Leslie is getting revenge on Pam who is getting revenge on Leslie.  It’s getting all crazy up in here!

Melissa:  I guess this will be the new dynamic duo on BRT – mostly because I think Pam has pissed off everyone else on the show.  I don’t get why the two need to plot to undermine Leslie’s bedazzle party?  It’s not like that won’t happen on it’s own.

Whoops

You don’t think I’m pretty, do you?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Dear Lord what did they do to Bonnie’s face?  She is home from her surgery and she looks like she was on the losing end of an acid fight.  Her son and dog are both confused by what the hell happened to her face and the dog goes running for cover.  Even in a haze of pain killers, Bonnie’s still worried about Whitney and wishes she was there.  Jason says to just relax and he & Zakk will take care of her.  That dude seriously couldn’t less want Whitney to come home.  I’m thinking he might even have the locks changed while Bonnie spends the next week in a semi-conscious state.

Melissa:  Holy Balls Bonnie, what the F did you do to yourself?  Her poor son Zakk can’t even hide his disgust with his mother.  For real, she’s scaring me.  If that’s what lasers do, I want none of it and I’ll just go about aging gracefully.

Not On My Watch

Your credit cards or your friendship. Your choice.


Rachel’s What Happened:  Seems Pam got wind of the fact that Whitney is staying with Hannah and confronts her about it during their weekly (well, weekly to us) Skype session.  Hannah doesn’t understand why it’s a big deal to her mom if Whitney is there for a few weeks.  Pam says it’s a big deal because she should be focusing on school and not spending time being drawn into Whitney’s drama ring.  Point to Pam.  She says she needs to ask her to leave.  Hannah says no.  Pam says she’ll turn her credit card off.  Hannah says she’ll get a job.  Um, and a new apartment because you’re not gonna be living in that sweet pad off of your part-time minimum wage job.  Pam says her job is being a student & getting good grades.  Another point to Pam.  Hannah, however, is less moved and says she’s not kicking her friend to the curb.  Really, Hannah? Because you know the second Bonnie gets a hold of that phone & tells Whitney to come home, she’s kicking your ass to the curb faster than you can say “Sorry, mom.  Can I please have my credit cards back?”  Whitney cuts in and says she’s going to leave.  Hannah says no again & hangs up on Pam.  However, the moment of proud rebellion wears off quickly and fear of life without credit sets in.

Melissa:   Thankfully Pam is a voice of reason as to why Whitney can’t live there while Hannah needs to go to school.  If my daughter (or son for that matter) hung up on me, oh, there would be hell to pay.  If Mama is footing the bill, then Mama gets to call the shots.

It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over

I won’t be ignored, Jason.
Yes, you will. Click.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Pam, not done with the fight, calls Bonnie to tell her to get Whitney off her kid’s couch.  Man, Jason didn’t even get to call the locksmith before the brat reared her ugly head.  But he did make a rookie mistake by leaving Bonnie’s phone unattended.  Pam wants to know what makes Bonnie think it’s OK for Whitney to move in with Hannah.  She wants to know what she plans to do about it and what the hell is wrong with her because she sounds really weird.  Bonnie says she’s on Vicodin giving Pam the opening to call her a drug addict.  Way to negotiate a resolution, Pam.  Jason walks in, catches her on the phone and realizes he’s made a bad chess move.  He retrieves the phone and takes over the fight.  Pam says it’s ridiculous that she’s having a nose job while her daughter is gallivanting all over the country and she has no idea where she is.  Jason says Whitney’s an adult and they don’t need to know where she is every minute of the day.  He’s not willing to give up the peaceful homestead so easily and tells Pam that Whitney living at Hannah’s is her problem.  If Whitney’s living off of her dime, then she should deal with her daughter.  And click.  Jason hangs up on Pam, which you know must have sent her reeling.  Jason takes this round.

Melissa:  Yeah Pam, going to Bonnie & Jason will work.  They are the reason Whitney is the way she is.  Are you shocked they don’t even know where she is? OMG people, you are ridiculous.

Bling It On!

If we just ignore her, maybe the dress will go away.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh, it’s time for the Bling It On Event!  And WOW… Wow… wow… What is Leslie wearing?  Is she auditioning for Stars on Ice after the show?  That’s… it’s…. Wow.  I mean that’s a monumentally bad choice of outfits.  If that’s what Connie brought you, you should question her intentions.  Outfit aside, Leslie meets a board member that says the event is amazing.  Granted, he looks like he’s about 16 and just excited to be out of the house past 10pm, but kudos are kudos.  Here comes Heidi who will be the deciding factor on whether or not this party is up to snuff.  Leslie shows her the Fashionista t-shirt the owners of Bling Is The New Black made, which Heidi thinks is great and could be sold online.  (OK, it’s actually super cute.)  One thumbs up… Leslie then shows her another company at the event called Completely Bare (Isn’t that Cindy from RHONY’s company?) and they will bling your body.  Heidi loves that too.  Two thumbs up!  Ding ding, we have a winner!  I wonder if Heidi knows they’re supposed to be worn down, um, below…  To that end, I wonder if Leslie knows.  Well, I’ll let them discover vajazzling on their own…

Meanwhile, Connie apologizes to Pam for her behavior around the last event and a tentative peace is achieved.  Pam has bigger fish to fry than insignificant Connie.  Pam makes her way over to Heidi and wants to know what she thinks of the event.  Heidi says she likes the merchandise but can’t get past what Leslie’s wearing.  Thank you!  Right there with you, sister.  Though Heidi says she can’t diss people and say they can’t be on the board because she doesn’t like one dress.  Pam would disagree with that.  And does.  She says Leslie’s a lunatic, a liar and a fraud.  She may be right about Leslie, but standing behind her making faces and hand gestures while she welcomes everyone to the party doesn’t exactly land you on the “classy lady” scale either.

But Pam’s not the only one driving the blame train through this party.  Melissa corners Leeanne and endears herself  with talk of modeling.  But just as quickly as she can, she turns the conversation to Leslie and how she sent her on bogus modeling jobs.  Yes, that’s right, Leslie is a fraud in case you haven’t heard.  Leeanne is shocked so Melissa calls Pam over to corroborate her story.  Seeing as how the word fraud just came tumbling out of Miss Pam’s mouth not 60 seconds ago, I have a feeling she’ll get Melissa’s back on this one.  Pam says Leanne got sucked in and that Leslie is just trying to infiltrate “her peeps”.  Leslie walks over to the conversation while Leeanne defends Leslie and the event.  In true Pam form, she can’t help herself once the floodgates have opened and tells Leeanne that she ought to get her facts straight before she starts defending someone she doesn’t know anything about.  Uh, really?  You’re going to start yet another fight at another party and this time with Leeanne?  How many times does Heidi have to tell you that she doesn’t like drama with her champagne????  Poor Heidi spends half her time being house mother to these crazy sorority girls.  She thanks Leslie and Leeanne for the event thwarting Pam’s revenge plot yet again. Poor Pam has to go home to try and come up with a new tactic.

Melissa:  Really, I just can’t see the Fashionistas walking around in bedazzled t-shirts.  Did Leslie bedazzle her dress too?  I like that Connie went to Pam to apologize for the last event… Nice move.  It cracks me up that everyone is so polite about what they think of all the pieces, but I have to question if anyone will in fact purchase anything.  Oh my Melissa, way to trap Leeanne into this conversation.  That’s really not the way to introduce yourself.  And Pam, don’t start attacking Leeanne and kicking up another fight at a Fashionista event. You know Heidi is going to get in a twist over this.  I don’t get how these women argue every other day and it’s always the same thing.

Fire Up The Jet

Heeerrrrre’s Pammy!

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, I guess Pam’s revenge plot has to wait another day because she hopped on her broom right after the Fashionistas’ event and flew to LA.  Surprise, kiddies!  Guess who’s getting kicked to the curb?  That would be all 4’11″ of Whitney.

Melissa:  Oh my, how did Pam make it to LA so quickly?  That is NOT the face I want to see on the other side of my door!!  If I was Whitney, I’d be crapping my jeans right about now.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Wait, we only get 10 weeks of these crazies?  What’s up with that?  Oh, BRT, we hardly knew ye.

Melissa:   It’s the Finale already?  I kind of started to like these ladies and their antics.  It made me feel all warm and nostalgic for my High School days.

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Big Rich Texas Season 2, Week 8 – Miss Conception

One Sentence Summary – Tonight we find out if Kalyn is with child and if Tyler knows what that means.

No I'm dead serious. These are my dead serious eyes.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, I’ve got to thank Kalyn & Tyler for putting us on the blogosphere map.  Seems there are a lot of you out there that were burning up the Google search engines looking for info on Kalyn & Tyler getting down with some sibling (ish) love.  And through some divine intervention – or link clicking- you found us.   We love you for that.  We really do.  And here we are again this week watching the aftermath of the torrid love affair between god-siblings… Yeah, just made that word up.  I have a feeling Kalyn is going to learn, again, how little Tyler actually cared about her and how much he really cared about getting his hand on her rack.  What?  Tell me you think he had purer intentions.  No seriously, tell me.  Then I can tell you that I think you’re crazy.  It’ll be a fun conversation, after which, we can enjoy a glass of wine. 

Melissa:  It’s the big scare this week… Wait for it folks, I have my soapbox sitting next to me and ready to go about these girls and their lack of personal responsibility when it comes to sex and birth control.

BFFs Forever

I'm shocked! Can't you see how shocked I am? How about a close-up now?

Rachel’s What Happened: Leeanne & Leslie are meeting so Leslie can do some damage control after that scene at the Auction last week.  Yeah, I gotta say that I think Leeanne is jockeying for a place on the show.  The wide-eyed overly dramatic responses to everything Leslie says aren’t too obvious or anything.  Leslie is worried what Heidi thinks about her goddaughter and son sleeping together.  Yeah, you might want to be more worried that they were sleeping together in the first place.  Leeanne says Heidi and the Fashionistas don’t to drama.  Well, then you might not want these crazies in your club.  Leslie tries throwing Pam under the bus as a “she’s worse than me” diversion, but Leeanne says that Heidi is pretty firmly on Team Pam.  Seems the Revenge plan is going to take a little more work.  Up next:  Trunk show at Heidi’s house.

Melissa:  Oh that’s awesome.  I would have totally flipped my shit and I’m happy to see Leeanne is appropriately appalled.  OK, what does one have to “deliver to the Fashionistas”?  Blood?  First born?

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Minutes

Look, my brains are on display! Did I say brains? I meant boobs.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Realizing her relationship of 5 minutes with Tyler is over, Kalyn agrees to go out on a blind date with someone that is clearly a relative of Beaver Cleaver.  Brent, her date, is in the marketing and advertising arts.  He says he’s 27, but he looks not a day over 16.  In fact, at first glance, I thought that was a prep school uniform and not a suit he was wearing.  Tyler seems unfazed that this guy is here to take out Kalyn, but mostly because I don’t think his bulb actually burns that bright… ever.  At dinner, Kalyn chooses the “getting to know you” portion of the date to tell Brent about her relationship with Tyler.  All about it.  Oh Kalyn why on earth are you telling your date that you were schtupping your godbrother?  And you follow that gem up with, “I’m ready for a new guy because I can’t have Tyler.”  They must be paying this kid well, because any other sane guy would have run from the room screaming in horror.  Pretty sure we’ve seen the last of this kid.  Oh Brent, we hardly knew ye.

Melissa:  OK, how do those intros go… “Hi random guy.  Meet my ex-boot knocker, aka: my Godmother’s son.”  BTW, I’m totally going to call foul on that ensemble… Really girl, I get you got yourself a new pretty bra for the date, but the idea is to actually wear a shirt over it.  I mean what’s left to the imagination at this point?  Oh, and wtf are you doing telling him this story?

Sniff This

Can I make perfume in my pajamas?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Pam doesn’t like her daughter hanging out on her couch all day.  A college break doesn’t mean a break from working.  And what work does Pam have in mind?  Seems she has a business venture for she and Hannah.  She wants to launch their own perfume line.  Because that’s what the world needs.  Another fragrance.  I mean we have Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears and the Kardashians with their own scents already.  As if there was any way to top that… But Pam has something the likes of Calvin Klein, Bulgari and Issey Miyake do not.  She has traveled all over the world and experienced all kinds of essential oils personally.  She is going to bring the smells of the world to the have-nots.  What a giver that Pam is.  Wonder if any of those aliens watching us will be sharing their fragrances?

Melissa:  Hannah is still at home… ah, vacation?  Man, that girl has a lot of vacations.  Pam is going to start a fragrance?  I don’t get it… why?

Enough About You…

I wear a snakeskin jacket and I have smoldering good looks. I shall just sit here and fill the screen with my animal magnetism.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Heidi’s trunk show is coming up and she will be featuring a vintage store that isn’t Connie’s.  Connie isn’t happy.  And Pam isn’t happy either – not in defense of her friend – but because she only wears new clothes.  But Pam agrees to go with Heidi to see these so-called “vintage” pieces of clothing and then quickly changes the subject to her perfume line.  Apparently, it’s no longer the smell of the world she’s using.  It’s the smell of Spain she’s bringing to the masses… though it sounds a lot like she just plans to rip off a scent she bought on vacation.  And with that, Pam excuses herself and leaves everyone in a whiff of her scent.  Connie says Heidi should worry about being used by Pam to launch all her products.  Bitter much, Connie?  Besides, why would Heidi care?  Every new product Pam launches gets the Fashionistas more air time.

Melissa:  The Trunk Show was planned with one of Connie’s competitors… GASP!!  Oh, this has the opportunity to be loads of fun.  Pam can’t quite define the scent of her perfume to the Fashionistas but it smells similar to the fragrance she wears.  Here’s the fun part of getting a dozen catty women together… Let the back stabbing begin!

Back Away From The Needle

Lay back and relax, Bonnie. This won't hurt a bit.

Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie is at the plastic surgeon to see if she needs anything done.  Apparently she felt her face move.  The doctor says no, she’s not ready for any new treatments.  Look, if a plastic surgeon says no to more treatment (aka: more money), then you REALLY don’t need more.  Since there’s no Botox on today’s menu, she will take a nose job instead.  Oh Bonnie, I wish you’d stop messing with your face.  You’re cute!  Stop before you look like Jocelyn Wildenstein.  She doesn’t want Whitney to know about the nose job though, so she doesn’t have to hear about getting her boobs done. So she wants the doctor to pretend it’s a Botox appointment to throw Whitney off.  Yeah, sure.  Good luck with that.

Melissa:  OK, for real, what’s with this doctor and the naughty assistant??  Oh, to get her nose job Bonnie is going to need to lay off the fillers?  Wait, I’m confused with why Bonnie can’t let the assistant know because she’ll tell Whitney.  Um, where’s that whole doctor / patient confidentiality thing?

Green With Envy

Sorry Heidi, I only wear the fur of animals I shoot myself.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Pam and Heidi head to Vintage Martini to check out the fashions for Heidi’s trunk show.  Ken, the owner, has better prices than Connie.  Heidi tells Pam to look at it like treasure hunting.  Meanwhile, how can you call yourself a “fashionista” if you don’t get vintage?  Anyway, Heidi asks Pam how she intends to promote her new perfume.  Pam says it is being marketed through the company she’s working with.  They have an entire team dedicated just to the promotion.  Heidi is glad to hear that because doesn’t want to be used like Connie is in insinuating.  Pam says it’s just jealousy.  And in this case, I’m going to have to side with Pam.  And we know I never like to side with Pam.

Melissa:  Pam, I applaud your only wearing “new” clothes.  Really, it says a lot about you.  I for one, love me some vintage pieces.

Drop A Zero

I told you to make her an offer she can't refuse.

Rachel’s What Happened:  ChaCha and her husband stop by Connie’s store to talk about him remodeling it.  They go over a few ideas and he presents Connie with his bid.  She expected the family discount for giving ChaCha her social chair seat and doesn’t think this estimate reflects that.  ChaCha’s husband was apparently not let in on the deal, but begrudgingly agrees to lower the bid.  He looks less than happy.  Someone’s getting the paddle tonight.

Melissa:  My goodness that man looks like he wants to kill his wife.  They are either a brilliant good cop / bad cop or Deaynni doesn’t realize her husband’s work keeps her in her country club.

Too Much Sugar

Seriously, if you say you're pregnant by your godbrother one more time, I'm going to hurl all over this table.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Maddie & Kalyn are having lunch and it seems the shine has worn off Kalyn’s bakery job.  Though, by the looks of it, she seems to be making the most of it.  Maddie doesn’t care though because she has her car keys back and is excited to have her freedom.  Volley back to Kalyn who trumps the car keys with an “I think I’m pregnant with Tyler’s baby.”  As Maddie tries to choke back her disgust, she manages an oh-so-supportive “Oh… my… God.”  Kalyn says she must be pregnant because she’s showing all the symptoms.  Maybe it’s the strict diet of cupcakes that is causing the nausea and the jeans to get a little tight.  I mean it’s a great diversion tactic though.  I sometimes like to pretend that my protruding gut is a baby, but then I remember I’m single and not having sex.  Maddie suggests getting a pregnancy test but Kalyn thinks she should tell Tyler first.  Wow, this girl is as dumb as a stump.  Maddie thinks that’s a really bad idea, mostly because it’s a really bad idea.  Kalyn wonders how Leslie will react when she tells her the news.  You don’t know how Leslie will react if you’re pregnant at 18 with her son’s baby out of wedlock?  Let’s take a wild guess.

Melissa:  Maddie thought she had the best gossip of the day getting her keys back and KA-BLAM… Trumped by “lateness”.  OK, here it comes… I appreciate Maddie at 16 being the voice of reason here with getting a test.  No offense Kalyn, but just because you “think” you’re pregnant, until you see that little plus sign or the 2 lines, don’t start running around starting up the rumor mill.  Why on earth wouldn’t you want to take a test?  You are a dumb ass girl!  I’m sorry for being harsh, but sweetie let me break it down for you.  Tyler isn’t going to decide that, just because you “think” you’re pregnant, he’s going to defy his mother and run off to spend a life of struggling to get by with you.  There’s no way in hell that boy isn’t going to pull a “what do you expect me to do, I don’t even think it’s mine” and run for the hills.  That boy is more shallow than a rain drop and this will not end with harps and doves.

Sherlock

I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open with these lashes, but I think that's my mom's name.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney sees an appointment in the office computer for her mom to get Botox, but being a super sleuth, she realizes it’s too soon for mama to be getting the ‘tox.  Rayann says she heard Bonnie talking about a nose job and they figure out that that’s what the appointment must be.  Oh someone’s gonna hear about this.  And that someone is everyone.

Melissa:  OK Whitney, really why are you schedule stalking your mom?  Bonnie, why the hell would you get your work done where your daughter can stalk you?

Gossip Girl

Well, that really chaps my hide.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leeanne goes to Connie’s vintage store to buy an outfit for Hiedi’s trunk show.  You know the one featuring another vintage store.  Connie says it chaps her ass a bit that Heidi did that.  Seeing an opportunity to throw some gasoline on the fire, Leanne lets Connie know that Pam said she’s only involved with the Fashionistas to sell her clothes anyway.  And she says she thinks Pam is the one with ulterior motives since she doesn’t really seem to be into fashion the way they are.  Oh Leeanne, you little shit stirrer.  I guess she’s been drinking Leslie’s kool-aid and is now bent on getting Pam tossed out.  How does her talking to Connie affect that, you ask?  Well, Connie will confront Pam publicly (since there are no private conversations in Texas) and Pam will drop some F-bombs at another Fashionista event.  And as we’ve discussed before, Heidi does not enjoy f-bombs in her champagne.

Melissa:  Again, this is what happens when you group a dozen women together… You get the she said / she said merry go round.

The Reality Is That Stinks

Mmm... I smell hints of Spain, aliens and arrogance.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Pam is at home testing her essential oil collection.  Anyone else think it looks like something you buy in the Air Mall magazine?  She & Hannah need to also come up with a name for this new scent.  Pam chooses “Reality”.  Um, no one wants to wear Reality perfume.  Our reality doesn’t actually smell that great.  If it did, we wouldn’t have deodorant and scented soaps in the first place.  I can’t wait until she tells the marketing team to create a campaign that sells reality when the entire fragrance sector is based on selling a fantasy.  Oh, the genius.

Melissa:  Um, what happened to visiting the lab?  Oh no, she’s not wanting to call her fragrance Reality, is she?  I wish all of you were with me right now to see my eye twitching.

You’re Not The Boss Of Me

Well, I didn't expect fireworks with my wine.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney comes home after being out all night, which was not the deal she made with Bonnie.  What a perfect segue into Whitney telling her that she broke their deal about getting plastic surgery together so she is no longer going to be keeping up her end of any other deals.  Connie gets to witness the lovely way Whitney talks to her mother and is left shaking her head.  Bonnie offers to buy her boobs if she gets into school and gets good grades.  Connie thinks that’s a great idea.  Whitney passes… Oh right, because a reward for hard work is demeaning to you.  Yet, having no goals other than to have porn star boobs is noble…  Makes sense.

Melissa:  I totally don’t get that exchange between Bonnie and Whitney.  What just happened?  Did Whitney just say she’s getting her own boobs and not letting Mom pick up the tab?  I’m so confused… I thought you wanted that.  Oh, did Bonnie just Jedi Boob Trick her??

So That Happened

Can you just pretend to give a shit for five minutes?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Kalyn goes ahead with her genius plan and tells Tyler she’s late.  After she explains to the brain trust that is Tyler what “being late” means, he responds with caring and supportive words.  Oh wait, no he doesn’t.  He wants to know what she wants him to say.  And then, as if that’s not insulting enough, he pulls the old “How do you even know it’s mine?” line.  My jaw is on the floor.  And her foot should be in his groin.  She wants to know what he intends to do and he says he’s prepared for it if there’s a kid.  Yeah, I’m gonna say there is no part of Tyler that is prepared for a child.  The mere fact that there is any possibility of these two gene pools merging and creating a child scares the bejesus out of me.  Well, after that touching scene, she’s off to take the pregnancy test and see what the future holds.  BTW, nice transition shot of the rippling lake that sound sounds an awful lot like someone peeing.  A tip of the hat dear editors.

Melissa:  OK, so crazy isn’t going to take the test because she needs to know that Tyler will be there for her?  OK, I’ve now paused my DVR because I want to go on TWB record here and say that he’s so NOT going to profess his love and promise that they’ll run away together.  I’m thinking it’s going to go more like “How do you know it’s mine?” – if not worse.  Yep, that there is the reaction I expected.  What is he playing Mario Kart on his laptop that he’s too busy to even look at her?

Namaste

I do too look cute in pigtails. They are totally age-appropriate.

Rachel’s What Happened: As Leslie gets her om on in yoga class, Melissa & Pam stand watch and catch up on gossip.  Seems Maddie went straight home and ratted out Kalyn to Melissa.  Needless to say, the news of the impending bundle of joy is spreading through the country club faster than Heidi can take down a bottle of champagne.  Melissa, still pissed about the pageant bomb, cannot wait to drop this on Leslie.  LOL… Oh, I can’t help but laugh at this.  Melissa tells Leslie that Kalyn has been sharing her sexual escapades with Maddie and she may be a grandma soon.  Leslie (who, by the way, doesn’t have a drop of sweat on her after exercising) doesn’t understand.  Which part don’t you get Leslie?  The part where your son spread his seed in your goddaughter’s field without protection?  Seems pretty straightforward to me.  Melissa doesn’t appreciate that her 16-year-old daughter is having to counsel Kalyn about pregnancy.  Can’t say as I blame you, Melissa, though we know you’re really just stoked to be able to drop this bomb on Leslie yourself.  Leslie says Maddie made it up.  Great comeback.

Melissa:  Oh yeah, this week is just gossip central in Dallas.  You know Melissa is having quite a moment over the whole Kalyn “scare”… Not because of Kalyn of course, but just the whole you reap what you sow on Leslie.  WOW, that went tail-spin ugly in 10 seconds.  Melissa, take it down a notch.  I thought you were about to blow a vessel.

And The Winner Is…

Actual signs of life from Tyler.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And back at Hotel New Hampshire, the test results are in…  No baby.  And no surprise here.  But at least Kalyn now realizes that Tyler wasn’t going to be there for her unless she was pregnant.  Captain Obvious, party of one, your table is now ready.

Melissa:  Shocking… She’s not pregnant.  I guess though it wouldn’t have been that exciting of an episode if she took the test before the drama.  Oh, yeah, and Tyler’s reaction… just what I expected.  Sheer relief.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

But if I move out, who will pay for my shopping?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney tells Hannah that she is sick of her mom not respecting her but demanding respect from her.  Uh yeah, that’s how parenthood works.  Hannah suggests getting her own place.  Whitney says she wants to but… Oh yeah, BUT then who will bankroll her life?

Melissa:  OK, quick question.  Pardon my ignorance, but what is a 24-year-old doing hanging out with an 18-year-old?  No offense, but when I was 24 I was not about hanging out with a “kid”.  Anyway, I love how these two think Bonnie’s behavior is so wrong.

On A Very Special Big Rich Texas

I don't have to be here for this? Yes!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie’s home and demanding to know what the hell is going on… and if the baby is really Tyler’s.  Well, the insensitivity apple sure didn’t fall far from the tree in this family.  Leslie wants to talk to Kalyn privately so she sends Tyler to the store to buy condoms.  Way to wait til the train has already left the station.  Once alone, Leslie tells Kalyn that she shouldn’t have thought she was pregnant in the first place.  They need to talk about morals and values.  Yeah, that might be a good conversation to have.  Leslie says no man wants a girl that got accidentally pregnant by a casual relationship. (Note:  They also don’t want girls that got purposely pregnant by a casual relationship.)  Don’t you know you can be beautiful and wonderful without having sex with people?  Finally, a solid piece of advice from this woman.  Granted, beating every ounce of self-esteem out of her for the last year might have not helped much with knowing that beauty comes from within.  Food for thought, Leslie.  She tells Kalyn to save herself for someone special.  Yeah, you just said your son isn’t special… I mean I don’t disagree but he’s also not my kid.  Oh well, I guess that’s not that bad since she just called him a dog with a penis that he likes to stick in things.  Awesome.  Nothing like a mother’s love.

Melissa:  Oh, this is fantastic.  “How do you know it’s Tyler’s?”  “Yeah, that’s what I asked,” says the douche.  DAMN, it’s bad when your own Mom calls you a dog!

Vintage Behavior

Oh you're getting the two snaps in a circle as I leave in a huff.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the trunk show at Heidi’s.  Pam actually wore vintage to the party in a show of solidarity with Heidi.  While the girls are having a laugh about the prices at Connie’s store, Pam sees Leslie at the party and says she is infiltrating her life to get to the last rung of the social ladder.  But Pam will let it slide because she has a different bone to pick.  How about not picking any bones at Heidi’s house?  Pick out a nice bag… Pick a fur… Just don’t pick a bone.  Too late.

She starts with Connie about what she’s been saying about her using the Fashionistas.  I will give her slight credit that she starts the conversation quietly and pulls her aside.  Connie says that’s what people have been saying and she can’t help that.  Pam says not to insult her and that Connie stabbed her in the back.  Granted she has stabbed people in the back too, but they deserved it.  Oh we’re playing that game?  But before the levels really escalate and start ricocheting off those high ceilings, Heidi breaks it up.  No cat fights at her house. This is a nice event and she’s not getting in the middle of their nonsense.  She wants everyone to get along and enjoy their time.  Connie hears exactly none of that and starts in about the fact that she can’t believe Heidi brought in a competitor to her.  Bad move.  Heidi says, “Do you think Hermes calls me and bitches at me for buying a handbag at Chanel?”  Love it!  Love love love it!  Best comeback of the season.  Connie says they’re both full of bleep.  Aaaand someone just lost their spot in the Fashionistas.

Somehow Leslie thinks this plays into her hand to exact revenge on Pam.  Ya lost me there Leslie.  I think this just made Pam look like the one that got hung out to dry by a crazy person.  Keep trying Leslie.  Keep trying.

Melissa:  Pam, your conspiracy side is showing… I mean Leslie is trying to kill you to wear your skin, but there’s no need to tell your Fashionista friends about it.  OK, switch gears and attack Connie, that makes sense.  OK, they’re all working towards the same goal… What is that goal?  Seriously, anyone out there know what that goal is?  Anywho, Connie at least got to make a finger wagging “oh no you di’int” exit from the party.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Um, how do these people not fall down more?  It’s like textbook “bumbling idiots”.  But I guess we should all just take a moment and be thankful that, at least for the moment, Kalyn & Tyler aren’t reproducing.

Melissa:   Wait a second, I didn’t get to stomp on my soapbox as much as I anticipated!

Big Rich Texas Season 2, Week 7 – Siblings With Benefits

***See our Bottom Line at the end of this post to hear our thoughts on Kalyn’s possibly being pregnant.***

One Sentence Summary – Kalyn takes the term “brotherly love” to new levels and Tyler is more than happy to help her with her feelings.  (Pun intended.)

Every time Melissa sees Bonnie’s husband Jason, she can’t help but be reminded of Jon Favreau in PCU. I think she’s on to something…

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  So, my dear readers, tonight is the night we’ve all figured was coming, but were too grossed out by the thought of it to truly acknowledge it.  That’s right, Kalyn & Tyler are finally giving in to their feelings.  And by feelings, we mean hormones.  Melissa & I are actually in New Jersey watching this together and we have delayed the start of the episode because we are deep in conversation about whether or not this is really wrong or if it just feels wrong.  I mean we both are skeeved by the idea and imagine that “skeeviness” is only going to get worse when we actually have the visual evidence, but Kalyn & Tyler aren’t actually related… And they haven’t actually lived together for very long… Yet, they’re being raised as siblings so… is it actually wrong or do we all just think it’s wrong?  Thoughts?  Personally, I can’t decide.  My gut goes “ew” but the devil’s advocate in me says, “But they’re not actually blood relatives.”  Hmmm…. What say you Melissa?

Melissa:  Yes, here we are… the week Tyler makes his move on his would-be sister, and sorry, I can’t help but cringe.  Rumor has it they don’t know the cameras are there when it goes down, but I find it a little hard to believe when you’re mic-ed and think the cameras won’t follow you… Plus we’ve all watched the whole situation in the making.  Regardless, I find it gross and weird.  However, this week the Winey Bitches are hanging at our TWB North location so even with the skeeve, we are celebrating with great enthusiasm… and The Show Cabernet Sauvignon.

S.I.L.F.

And a collective gag is heard in living rooms around the country.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Wow, they’re not even breaking us in gently.  Nope, right for the jugular.  Tyler and Kalyn are enjoying a sibling hot tub session.  And we say “sibling” since Tyler said, “What’s up, sis?” as Kalyn walked over.  Um, here’s the thing, don’t refer to her as “sis” if you’re planning on taking a run around those bases.  Seeing as how he can’t stop staring at her breasts, Kalyn senses an opportunity to tell him how she’s really feeling.  She says she likes him as more than friends.   He has feelings for her too.  And it’s on, they seal the deal with a kiss.  Suddenly, I feel like I’m watching an episode Redneck Bachelor.  Oh Leslie is going to have an aneurism.  I never noticed the tattoo on her neck… Nope not the point of the scene, I know, but it makes me less nauseated to focus on that instead of the spit swapping.

Melissa:  Really, we’re going to start off with sibling love?  Oh, I am so skeeved by this hot tub scene.  Does anyone else feel their skin crawl at this “I have stronger feelings than friendship” for a family member I just referred to as “sis” before plunging his tongue in her mouth.  As we discussed above, they are not blood relatives, but still I reserve the right to be skeeved.  OK, I officially need to hit the Honey Jack.

Herpes Simplex 12

I mean she does have a c**t tattoo on her foot…

Rachel’s What Happened:  At a ladies’ lunch, Connie tells Bonnie that people are saying Whitney has STD’s.  It’s being spread because Tyler said he didn’t want to get diseases from her at the faux pageant.  Bonnie isn’t going to have people talking smack about her kid so she has to put a stop to it.  Well, you know your daughter mouthing off at every turn and having the C-word tattooed on her foot doesn’t really lend to her credibility.  I’m just saying.  After Bonnie calms down about her crusade to clear Whitney’s name, Connie says she’s planning the club’s Annual Charity Auction – So now we have another event to give the ladies an excuse for some more confrontations and screaming.  I’m sorry, these ladies cannot control themselves ever at any public event.

Melissa:  Oh boy, rumor has it Whitney has STDs because of the comment Tyler made to her at the fake pageant?  Sorry, practice pageant.  That’s just not cool.

You, Again?

C’mon Connie, you know you want my help.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Connie goes to talk to Mr. Scoma about the upcoming Charity Auction and is surprised by ChaCha’s presence at the meeting.  Uh-oh, Mr. Scoma invited ChaCha to help Connie with the planning and dubs them Co-Chairwomen.  Oh Connie is not thrilled and it doesn’t help that ChaCha brings up the cheer gym.  How does Connie refrain from punching her out?

Melissa: Does anyone else love Connie’s uncontrolled reactions to Deayanni?

Us Pageant Girls Have To Stick Together

If you just start every sentence with “When I was in pageants…” people will totally love you.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Leslie is having dinner with Leeanne, a fellow pageant girl and Fashionista board member.  Hey Leslie, maybe she can be your next muse/business partner.  Leeanne says that Heidi is human… She has feelings… People don’t get that.  Um, who doesn’t think Heidi is human?  I missed this storyline.  Leslie agrees, but she’d agree if Leeanne had said Chumbwumba’s “Tub Thumping” is one of the best songs ever written.  (It’s not by the way.  It’s actually horrible.)  Leslie just wants in so her plot to take down Pam can be realized.  She tells Leeanne that Pam is a bit of a loose canon and has a tendency to talk behind people’s backs.  Leeanne doesn’t like this as it’s not Fashionista behavior.  The first rule of Fashionistas is don’t talk about Fashionistas.  Leslie seals the deal with a check for her membership and is a part  of the Fashionistas now.  I can’t stand Leslie, but I’m kinda enjoying watching her piss off Pam.

Melissa:  Oh boy, Leslie is full court press to become a Fashionista to piss off Pam.  I really don’t understand that angle, but hey, she’s about to have a big old mess on her hands with her son and goddaughter so I’ll let her chase this little dream.  I am shocked, however, at the production of a check for the Fashionistas… Do they have to pay to be friends with the others?  I don’t get it, what are they paying for?

Prove It

C’mon Whitney, this is one test you might be able to pass.

Rachel’s What Happened: Over at Bonnie’s, Whitney says she hasn’t registered for school yet.  What a giant surprise.  Bonnie says she doesn’t like getting into Whitney’s business because she’s 24.  Uh, she’s living off of you so pretty much her business is your business.  Bonnie gives up trying to get her daughter into college and moves on to getting her tested for STD’s to prove to people the rumors going around the club are not true.  Whitney doesn’t want to get tested to because she doesn’t to cave into what other people think.  Bonnie says getting the report will shut it down and empower her as a woman.  Whitney thinks porn star boobs will empower her.  Oh, poor Bonnie.  It’s like fighting a losing battle with this kid.

Melissa:  Poor Jason, I can’t imagine being a father and hearing that kind of rumor about your daughter.  See he’s totally John Favreau in PCU!  Has anyone else seen PCU?  If not, it’s a deliciously bad move that once you see it you will watch every time you’re flipping through the channels and see it’s on.  Unfortunately, it is my love for this movie that makes me snap out of the scene every time I see him and think of Gutter… Can you blow me where the Pampers is?  OK, sorry… Back to Texas.

Take My Bag

Oh!  A whole purse!  How generous!

Rachel’s What Happened: While helping style Heidi, Connie gets a call from ChaCha about the auction.  She has things to discuss, but Connie has it all handled.  At least, as far is ChaCha is concerned.  She apologizes to Heidi for interrupting their meeting and invites her to the Auction.  Heidi says she will come.  Well, as long as there’s champagne.  She’s into charity as long as it’s served with a side of champagne.  She donates a red Chanel bag to the cause… Good thing that bag happened to be sitting right there waiting to go to a new home.

Melissa:  Does Connie hit up everyone for clothes?  Heidi Dillon now?  So are we going to see her as a new cast member next season?  Well played though Connie, turning the “interruption” from Deaynni into an opportunity to invite Heidi to the event THEN double back to request an item for the event.

Having Your Cupcakes and Eating Them Too

I’m here to collect on our agreement, bitch.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Kalyn is at her new bakery job learning how to frost cupcakes.  She’s loving baking… and eating cupcakes.  Amber shows up to say hello and collect her reward for hooking Kalyn up with the job; Tyler.  Kalyn says she heard that he’s dating someone else.  Amber says she’s cool just being friends and suggests that they all go line dancing… which, for those that don’t speak “college girl” means “I’m not at all cool being friends and plan to steal him from whoever this trifling bitch is.”  Just here to help, people.

Melissa:  I’m thinking that even though Amber wants Tyler, she’s going to be skeeved by the idea of these two dating and head for the hills… and maybe even get Kalyn fired from the bakery.

You’re Joking Right?

Come on, you find my inability to hold my temper charming.

Rachel’s What Happened: Leeanne & Heidi are waiting for Pam to start their training session.  While she has a minute, Leanne is pushing the gospel of Leslie on Heidi.  She’s afraid it’s going to piss off Pam.  Heidi says anyone can join the Fashionistas and it’s her world so Pam cannot tell her what to do.  That’s right Pam, you’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut!  Pam finally shows up and Heidi tells her that her problems with Leslie are just that – her problems.  She doesn’t want them interfering with her champagne drinking.  There’s no scrutiny in membership and Pam isn’t happy about it.  Hey, Pam looks a little refreshed in her interview segments.  Hmm… Has Pam been getting some upgrades off-camera?

Melissa:  OK, Leeanne and Heidi are clearly jockeying for their spots on the show.  So is this why we get to see their conversations?  Really, anyone else flashing back to high school with this nonsense?  Anywho, they tell Pam Leslie is a Fashionista now.  OK, how much does it cost to become one of these chickens?

Wait, Where Do Babies Come From?

This is my philosophy on birth control methods.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney finally agrees to get tested.  She’s going to prove she’s clean… Anyone else think she didn’t look quite 100% convinced that she’s actually clean. She tells her doctor, in front of her mother, that Tyler was her only partner, but they didn’t use any birth control.  Only partner ever?  Come on.  And really no protection at all?  Apparently, Whitney didn’t hit any of the smart branches on her way down the family tree.  She says she isn’t concerned about getting pregnant because she doesn’t have a boyfriend.  Sigh…

Melissa:  Um, why is Bonnie in the exam room with Whitney?  She’s 24 right?  I’m so confused by this scene!!  Wait, I’m even more confused that Whitney doesn’t use a condom for protection.  That is so beyond my understanding that I can feel myself shutting down in confusion.  Please tell me Bonnie is going to leave before the pelvic exam, because that will be just too much skeeve for one episode.

Don’t Make Me Hurt You

I’m not listening to a word you say.

Rachel’s What Happened:  ChaCha shows up at Connie’s store to talk to her about ideas for the party.  Connie says she’s cool with where she is and tells ChaCha not to worry about it.  Not one to be put off so easily, ChaCha says she wants to take it up a notch this year with a live auction, but Connie isn’t happy about hearing anyone else’s ideas.  She’s still not daunted by the bulldog that is Connie and recommends a florist even though Connie likes her florist.  That’s right, I’ll see your florist and raise you florist and a live auctioneer.  She tells Connie she can’t veto her because they’re co-chairs.  Connie gives her her best F-U smiles and says her chair is bigger than ChaCha’s.  Ha, game to Connie.

Melissa:  Does anyone else not understand Deayanni’s rabid desire to be involved with Connie and the Country Club.  I do adore watching these two though!!

Revenge Goes Well With White Whine

Revenge is quite simple, actually.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Bonnie stops by for a visit and Leslie tells her that she’s a Fashionista now.  She tells Bonnie that she told Leeanne about Pam being a loose canon and, even though she’s not that kind of person, she’s going to tell Heidi too.  Uh, you’re that person every week.  So, she’s decided that she’s going to publicly out her about her plastic surgery and watch Pam go crazy.  I love that this is how these women plot to take each other down..

Melissa:  Yeah Leslie, you tell on Pam’s plastic surgery and drag her through the mud.  Awesome idea.

Enough About Me…

Just write the checks and stop asking questions.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Um, does Hannah actually go to school?  She’s never actually in California so I’m wondering how that works.  I guess Pam does too.  She got a charge on her credit card for a 1am restaurant visit. Hannah says it was for a late-night bite after study group.  Ha, that’s a good one.  Mom isn’t convinced either and says she wants to see her report card.  This doesn’t sit well with Hannah who gets all sassy about the request.  Um, this is how it works.  They pay for school and you show them the proof that their money isn’t going to waste.  Sensing the parents aren’t backing down, Hannah tells her mom about the STD rumor about Whitney.  Clearly, Hannah is the filter to Pam about what is going on at the club.  Pam does feel badly about Whitney.  I’m trying to process how this is going to play out, but I’m not sure what Pam’s move is here.  Is she really just being nice?  Maybe she’s going to use it to drive the wedge back between Bonnie & Leslie to make her feel better.  Oh the things women with nothing but time on their hands come up with.

Melissa:  OK, so if I tried to roll up to my parents and tell them to leave me alone about school, I wouldn’t have said school paid for any longer.  Way to deflect attention with those STD rumors.  OK, I’m going to have to give Pam props (and not just because she can shoot a gun) for feeling sympathy for Whitney and the whole situation.

Two-Stepping Siblings

Don’t all siblings dance ass-to-crotch?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Amber, Rachel (Amber’s cousin and Kalyn’s boss), Kalyn & Tyler go line dancing.  Amber tries to put the moves on Tyler on the dance floor, but is unaware that her competition is at her table.  Kalyn decides to show her how it’s done on the dance floor and takes Tyler out for a spin of her own.  Oh yeah, time for things to heat up on the dance floor.  Well, this brings new meaning to Boot Scootin’ Boogie.  Rachel & Amber are confused by what they’re seeing on the dance floor between “brother & sister”, which of course leads to nasty comments about Kalyn’s physique.  Ladies, ladies, this is no time for fat girl jokes.  This is the time for incest jokes.  Come on, anyone could have figured that out.

Melissa:  Here we go… The ass grinding good time!!  OK, what’s with Kalyn’s hair?  Really, is she channeling Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island?  For one of the few times in my life, I am without words I’m so grossed out with this dancing…

Wham, Bam, Thank You, Sis

Well, that was unsatisfying on so many levels.

Rachel’s What Happened: And the party keeps on keepin’ on back at the Verona.  Kalyn and Tyler are doing the naked two-step in perfectly-soap-opera-folded, breast-covering sheets (But we’re supposed to believe they didn’t know the cameras were there…).  After completing the act, Tyler jumps up and heads off to his room so Leslie doesn’t catch them… And so he doesn’t have to cuddle.  How many guys wished they had an excuse to not cuddle post-coital?  Anywho, Kalyn says that them hooking up was one thing that led to another.  Uh, not really, Kalyn.  When you both agree you have feelings for each other, make out in a hot tub and then do the bump & grind on the dance floor, ending up in bed isn’t really something that just unexpectedly happens, ya box of rocks.

Melissa:  OMFG and just when I thought the dancing was over the line, we’re smacked in the face by post coital “siblings”.  I cannot imagine Leslie right now seeing this scene

Dodged A Bullet

I’m a scientist. I’ll read the lab results.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Whitney comes home from the mall to find her lab report has arrived in the mail.  Bonnie reads the results, you know since she’s a scientist and can understand what it says.  Happily, Whitney’s negative across the board.  Ah, nothing says mother-daughter bonding like sharing in a clean STD panel.

Melissa:  OK, I ask WHY Bonnie is reading Whitney’s lab report?  Maybe it’s because I did not live at home when I was 24 and my business was MY business that I don’t understand this.  I really just don’t understand!!

Drama To The Highest Bidder

I can’t take these crazy women another minute!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the charity auction and whatever clash of the Titans is planned for the evening.  Heidi wants to buy back the bag she donated.  She’s having separation anxiety.  Well, thankfully, her money is going to charity.  It’s the only thing that makes this feel good.  Heidi expects her huge bid to be the only drama.  Oh, that’s never going to happen… But first, the live auction.  First item, a Russian Sable fur stole… I’m shocked PETA hasn’t tried to shut down filming on this show yet.  Mr. Scoma has a Hawaiian home he’s offered for a one-week vacation with two first-class airline tickets. Pam wants to ratchet up the price on it just to get the other ladies to pay a lot of money.  Oh, Pam, you’re so crazy.  Bonnie falls for it and bids $15,000.  Uh, I get it’s for charity but $15k for two tickets & a week in a vacation home in Hawaii?  Bananas.  Ok, let’s get the real show on the road, shall we?  Someone start bawling someone else out.

Connie hands ChaCha her Social Chair tiara in exchange for ChaCha’s husband Dan helping her build out her store.  Um, he couldn’t work out a gazebo and you’re going to let him build out your store?  Great call, Connie.  Over on the other side of the party, Kalyn is telling Tyler she wants to go home.  But before they can bail, Whitney shows Tyler her STD results and says whatever disease he got he got from Kalyn.  Guess Whitney isn’t afraid to cave to others opinions anymore.  Kalyn isn’t about to take this lying down – unless it’s Tyler that’s lying down with her – and she tells Whitney that she gives it to him better than Whitney ever did.  Uh, no you did not just go there.  Hearing what’s going on, Leslie hightails it over there to find out what’s going on.  Whitney tells Leslie it was Kalyn who was spreading the news about her STD’s.  She says Kalyn “spreaded” it… That’s not all she spreaded.  Kalyn still not sensing that she should just shut her mouth tells Leslie that it couldn’t be true since she wasn’t even seeing him then…  And there it is.  Leslie just got the good news about her son and her goddaughter.  Yep, the bag is open and the cat has left the building. While Leslie soaks this all up, Melissa lets her know that she’s enjoying watching Leslie’s karma unfold in front of her.  How’s that dirty laundry taste, Leslie?

As if all of this commotion isn’t enough, Bonnie and Pam go at it again about Pam being a cyber-bully.  Oh G-d, now we’re back to this?  This is so stupid.  Bonnie takes Leslie’s thunder and brings up Pam’s plastic surgery.  Seems by the smile on Leslie’s face, she’s not sorry that it went down this way.  Pam replies with an all-time fave of mine,  “You’re the bitch, bitch.” and retreats back to her table where she laughs off the whole thing.  Too bad, Heidi has already had enough of the nonsense.  Yeah, I’m thinking she may want to put some rules on the whole entry into Fashionistas.  Seems a check is no longer enough credit for entry.

Melissa:  Oh, the stage is set for an awesome explosion!!  Oh my, is Connie going to have to eat her words over the live auction?  WOW, Connie, turning over your Social Chair?  Yes, nice move trying to get Deaynni’s hubby to build out your store – I’m thinking not your wisest choice though.

WOW Whitney, that’s a full on brilliant move on your part!!  I almost want to get on a plane and fly down there to high-five you for getting Kalyn to admit to her and Tyler doing the hibidy dibidy.  GENIUS!  Oh, and in front of Leslie!  Quiet Bonnie, that was getting good with Leslie’s family issues.  Why did you have to go and steal that thunder??

Not Under My Roof

Wait, what are we talking about? I was at the Club tonight?  I can’t remember.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the Verona (I don’t know why I love saying that as much as I do), Leslie tells Kalyn & Tyler that she is embarrassed to find out about them at the club.  She asks them if they know how weird it is?  Um, clearly even if they do know, they don’t care.  Kalyn says they’re not embarrassed and they don’t know why it’s a big deal.  Leslie says there will be no more sex going on between them.  It’s her home and her rules.  One of them is gone if they continue to knock boots.  That would be the third week in a row she’s threatened to send one of her kids packing.  Tyler says he understands why she’s upset and will obey her rules.  Kalyn can’t believe he didn’t rage against the Leslie machine and is hurt that he agreed to her terms.  Oh sweetie, you just learned a hard lesson.  You gave up the cookie before you were sure he wanted to buy the whole bakery.  Take that one to work with you.

Melissa:  I don’t know HOW this conversation didn’t happen in the car on the way home… Well, OK, they couldn’t get all the cameras into the car.  Fine.  I’ll let it slide.  Oh, I would totally smack that smug look off Tyler’s face!  Kalyn sweetie, she’s allowed to stick her nose in your life when you are living in her house.  You don’t want her nose, move out… Just saying, that kinda seems like your only solution.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Does no one this show know about birth control?  Seriously, Whitney and Tyler played Russian Roulette.  And next week, Kalyn tells Tyler her period is late.  Let’s all note the common thread in these two stories.  Someone tell Tyler to put a jimmy on it before he really knocks someone out.  And I say “before” because I looked up the show on Wikipedia where they refer to next week’s episode as Kalyn’s pregnancy “scare”.  No one uses the word “scare” if there’s an actual pregnancy.  So, thanks to my superior sleuthing skills, I’m going to say that Kalyn is not actually pregnant.  You heard it here first, folks.

Melissa:   I can barely focus with all that back and forth, but next week Kalyn is “late” (gasp!!)… a.) not shocked, b.) um, why does it seem birth control is not an option for these girls?

Big Rich Texas Season 2, Week 6 – Texas Millionaire Manhunt

One Sentence Summary – Having momentarily forgotten that Pam is the enemy, the ladies refocus their revenge rifles in her direction.

There's not enough champagne to make these women bearable.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Uh, can someone please tell me what the editors of this show are smoking and could they please pass it around.  Don’t bogart, people.  For real though, drinking a depressant such as red wine makes following this hyper-edited show a bit of a challenge.  I looked up last week, saw that we were only ten minutes in and realized I had already written a novel.  It’s like the ADHD kid in the reality class.  Well, I’m still drinking my red wine and gonna take it as it comes.  I’m a trooper like that.  Let’s do this.  

Melissa:  Bonnie and Pam are promoting their novels at the same time – I’m confused, Pam is a writer??  I’m going to blame being a BRT newbie that I don’t know about this.  C’est la vie, let me top off my Seghesio Zinfandel and watch the ladies’ war of words.  Maybe I’ll have to download samples on my Kindle.  Anywho, it’s going down tonight with Bonnie and Pam… Hope the Fashionistas are ready for the mud slinging.

Take This Job And Shove It

Wait, if you quit, I won't be on the show anymore.

Rachel’s What Happened:   Kalyn wasn’t kidding last week when she said she was done with pageants.  She is so done with pageants that she doesn’t even want to be in the same dress shop as pageant dresses so she gives her boss at Muzzie’s (I keep wanting to call it Muggle’s, but that’s Harry Potter, no?) her two weeks notice.  Seems Kalyn feels her talents are best used in the culinary world at a bakery.  Her boss is less inspired by Kalyn’s pie in the sky dreams and says she needs her for the next two months, then tells her not to bother to finish out the day.  Ok, Bitter Betty, here’s an idea:  Take the two weeks that will be oh-so-busy (BTW there is never anyone in the store) and use them to find someone to replace Kalyn.  It’s not like she has access to high-level security government files she’s going to steal and must be escorted from the premises immediately.  She’s selling ugly dresses.  Anyone else think Kalyn quitting the pretty dresses for the world of trans-fats is going to send Leslie spiraling?

Melissa:  Since Kalyn quit the pageant world she clearly can’t keep her job at the store.  I’m thinking it’s a paycheck, sweetie, but go on with your dreams of working at a bakery.  Now, you know this is going to make Leslie annoyed she doesn’t have a hook-up for free dresses.

It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Oh yes, this is my sophisticated "lady out for revenge" outfit.

Rachel’s What Happened?   What is Leslie wearing and why is Connie being so nice to her after the dinner sabotage?  Oh I guess Connie’s not that thrilled with Leslie’s behavior since she just asked her what that was about.  Leslie says she feels terrible.  She really thought Maddie knew.  Um, wow.  You’re not even in the same area code as the point, Leslie.  See, even if Maddie knew, it would still not have been cool and you were only dropping that knowledge on the table to be vindictive.  What a jack ass.  She hopes Melissa will be kind-hearted… I hope she is not.  You certainly haven’t been for one iota of a moment.  Only when she gets busted being an a-hole does she find her compassion.

But Leslie’s really there to talk about men.  Seems Melissa was going to set her up, but now, not so much… So it was a smart idea to out her, Leslie?  Connie says she has a matchmaker that can set them up with rich men.  Grace, who has been hearing this conversation, says no dating for Connie until she’s legally divorced.  Seems she hasn’t made the split legal just yet.  Wait, let me get this straight.  Leslie went on a date with her cousin Connie’s ex-husband who’s actually not her ex but in face still her husband making him still Leslie’s cousin as well?  No wonder Tyler is at home hitting on Kalyn.  Mama has no boundaries.  Why should he?

Melissa:  So, Leslie is still back peddling saying she didn’t know Maddie wasn’t aware why her mom was de-crowned – yeah right Leslie.  And Grace gets to tell her mom when she can & can’t date?  I don’t get these people letting their children tell them what they can and can’t do.  I’m sorry… I mean they are kids.  They don’t get to make the rules.

No Soft Whispers Allowed

Oh goodie, another reason to pick on Bonnie.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Pam has a book coming out, Hard Whispers 2.  I had no idea there was a Hard Whisper 1.  I also have no idea what a hard whisper is.   What publisher are these women using?  I have a few ideas I’d like to send them.  Melissa tells Pam she’s not the only author at the club.  Bonnie is writing a new book too and Maddie is the face of her book.  Pam scoffs at the thought of Bonnie being able to write.  Wait, Bonnie has a PhD and Pam thinks she can’t write a book?  Lady, please.  So, I guess we know what book #2 in the Reality Book Club is going to be.  Surprisingly, I’m still the only member of said book club since I haven’t had any takers for book #1… Bonnie’s zombie book.  I really kind of want to read it.  Come on, join me.  I’ll buy the wine!

Melissa:  OK, Pam’s “Hard Whispers” versus Bonnie’s young detective series.  OK, now I have to check these out.

My Book’s Better Than Yours

Why does Pam get a book too?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Speaking of Bonnie, she’s hanging out with her newly re-anointed BFF Leslie at the club where they just coincidentally see an ad for Bonnie’s book.  Isn’t it just so crazy how that happens?  It’s almost as if it were planned…  Bonnie says she took screen grabs of Pam’s first book and there are a bunch of typos in it.  Now, I’m really dying to read it.  Nothing makes me crazier. (And yes, I know the TWB are guilty of some doozies ourselves, but we don’t have editors!)  Oh boy, here comes ChaCha.  She wants to throw Bonnie a party for her new book.  Well, who is Bonnie to tell her no.

Uh… Well, OK Then…

No really, there's an alien ship watching you right now.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, Bonnie can’t be the only one having a party for her book.  So, the Fashionistas are throwing a party for Pam’s book – Official name: Hard Whispers… The China Syndrome.  Pam says it explores the conspiracy around what China has influenced the United States to become.   Oh, I am laughing so hard right now.  That is something else.  Come on people, who’s with me?  This book should be read and discussed and mocked by groups of women everywhere!  Anyway, Heidi so clearly would rather drink champagne and plan a party, but she is classy so she does ask what got Pam interested in conspiracies.  UFO’s and the cover-ups at Area 51, natch.  OK, have to pause the TV.  I’m dying laughing now.  This woman is killing me!  Oh and the look on Heidi’s face is priceless.  Regretting that decision to let her on the board, eh?

Melissa:  Heidi wants to understand how Pam comes up with conspiracy theories…. Yeah, makes two of us.  OMG these ladies are so not sure what to make of Pam’s craziness.  I’m not either, but I love these sideways glances.  Really Pam, solar flares highlighting UFO’s??  Something tells me Heidi is second-guessing letting you into the club.

All In The Family

I'm just gonna rest my head a minute.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well look at what we have here… Kalyn & Tyler cozied up on the couch.  Methinks that I recall that they’re not actually blood related but this is still creeptastic.  Leslie comes out of her room and wants to know what’s up with the cuddly wuddly under the blankie.  Uh, what’s up with the baby talk?  This just went from creepy to straight-up nauseating.  Kalyn diverts attention from the “cuddly wuddly” by telling Leslie that she quit her job.  This is part of the chapter she’s closing.  Leslie always the sensitive, understanding mentor tells Kalyn that there are no free rides in her house so she should not come home ’til she has a job.  Didn’t she just say last week that she would never send Kalyn packing?  Well, she did forget about the fact her son and goddaughter are canoodling on her couch.

Melissa:  Tyler and Kalyn snuggling on the couch… what part of that isn’t gross? Even though you aren’t technically related, you are being raised as siblings.  Oh snap, Leslie’s wheels are spinning on not getting any more comp dresses for her faux pageant.

How Not To Succeed In Business

Hi, I'm here from the 1970's for my interview.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Kalyn goes to her job interview at Trailercakes, a mobile bakery, with a hippie hair braid situation that I can’t quite suss out.  They want to know about her experience baking.  I want to know why she would go to an interview with that hair.  She tells them about the pasta she makes.  Yeah, pasta is totally the same as cupcakes.  She also doesn’t have any photos of anything she’s decorated.  Well, this is off to a banner start.  She hasn’t done any baking in her cooking classes either.  You’re really making it hard for them to not hire you on the spot, aren’t you?  This job will expect her to bake 2,000 cupcakes in 3 hours.  She says that’s overwhelming.  Genius response.  The only reason this girl would possibly be hired is for the free publicity.

Melissa:  Wait, there are mobile bakeries ??  I MUST visit this town.  Sorry… OK, I’m kinda with these ladies not understanding how her baking Italian pastas makes her think she can mass produce cakes in their trailer… Yes ladies, we’re all confused too.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Hands off! The big one's mine!

Rachel’s What Happened:  And speaking of free publicity, time to meet the matchmaker.  She tells Leslie and Connie that everything is confidential and nothing will go beyond this room…. except for everything that camera over your shoulder is recording.  Leslie says she likes big men.  And by big, she means with some extra meat.  She’s a chubby chaser… And yet she chastises her goddaughter for those 10 extra pounds.  Makes sense.  They want to double date… You know, that’s a good idea.  Dating might not be so awful if you could bring a friend.  Well, at least for me.

The matchmaker works fast and has a double date for Connie & Leslie.  Connie tells Grace where she’s headed.  Grace says no.  Connie says she’s a grown up and she can go on a date if she wants.  Good for you, Connie.  It’s about time a parent put their kid in their place without the use of an open hand or a degrading fat comment.  Grace doesn’t want people talking about her mom.  Connie says what they’re talking about is Leslie going out with her ex… and yet you’re about to go on a double date with her.  Oh, these women are bananas.

At dinner, Connie’s date tells the table that he has been averaging one date a week.  For 3 years.  He’s gone on about 150 dates in that time.  Ew.  How to make yourself totally unattractive to the opposite sex.  Leslie’s date says he thinks he should be nice to everyone… no matter what they look like.  Wait, did he just call Leslie ugly?  Well, these dates are off to the races, eh?  But then he says that women should have a closet full of shoes, and boom, both girls are smitten.  To be honest, I can’t blame them.  I’d probably consider a second date just for the promise of a man who will buy me shoes.  It’s really that simple.  Leslie is open to date number two with the big guy that called her ugly.  Connie is less interested.  Not that I blame her.  Clearly misreading every signal she’s sent him all night, he gives her one on the lips anyhow.  No wonder he isn’t getting many second dates.  Before they part ways, Connie lets it “slip” yet again that Pam and the Fashionistas are hosting a party.  Now Leslie has two dates on her calendar.

Melissa:  Connie’s ideal man brushes his teeth, and Leslie likes big men.  WOW, way to really think about your requirements there gals.  This should be good.  So, Grace is upset that her parents are dating and goes all attitude on Connie for going out.  Again, if she’s not paying the bills, she doesn’t get a say.  Connie’s date averages 50 dates a year??  Um, WOW!  Well, in all fairness to the matchmaker, I’m sure he brushes before each of those dates.  I love Leslie’s date, how cute is he??  Plus, you know I like me a man who appreciates a woman’s love of shoes.

Strike A Pose

See mom, you're not the only one that can have a B-level modeling career.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Over at Bonnie’s, Maddie is doing a photo shoot for Bonnie’s book version of the updated Nancy Drew… aka Fiona Frost.  Maddie’s still mad at Melissa who says that it was really Pam that told Kalyn to rebel against Leslie.  Well, no it was both of you and how is Leslie’s twisted revenge plot Pam’s fault?  Apparently it’s because Pam likes to cross lines.  Bonnie says that Pam has created fake internet accounts to blast her all over the internet since she announced her upcoming book release.  Based on what they say she’s pretty sure it’s Pam because the online posts have the same typos she had in her book.  She did a scientific study that used statistical analysis of typos (does that really exist?) to narrow it down to a .0001% probability it’s her… I think she meant it’s not her.  I mean wouldn’t a probability that small be a bad thing if you’re saying it is her?  Wouldn’t you want that to be a 99.999% probability?  Now, I’m confused.  I guess I’ll just have to trust her since she is a scientist and I’m not…

Melissa:  What I don’t get is why Melissa still hasn’t talked about the whole “Mommy lost her crown because she got knocked up” incident.  I’m really not sure what the issue is.  Again, I don’t get pageants or that world so maybe that’s like the scarlet letter of the pageant world.

Scratch My Back And I’ll Scratch Tyler’s

Yeah, I'll hand over Tyler for a cupcake.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Amber stops by Maddie & Kalyn’s table at the club to ask about Tyler.  You know, does he have a girlfriend or anything?  Kalyn says she doesn’t think so and since they hang out 24/7, she’d know.  Sensing where this is potentially going, Kalyn changes the subject to her quitting her dress job & looking for a job at a bakery before Leslie kicks her out.  Well, isn’t this convenient?  Amber’s cousin works at a bakery.  If Kalyn hooks her up with Tyler, she’ll hook Kalyn up with a job.  Oh, what a deliciously contrived love triangle we’ve set up here.  Kalyn goes for it though.  Well, at least she’s going to pretend to until she gets the job.  Then she’ll keep her hands in both cookie jars.

Melissa:  Amber asks Kalyn if Tyler has a girlfriend… WOW, that was a total look!!  As skeevy at it is, it’s you my dear.  But don’t say that, because everyone will be as freaked as we are.  BUT, resourceful girl she is, she’ll pimp out her Tyler hook-ups for some bakery hook-ups… Poor Amber, you have no idea what you’re in for.

Peace Treaty

Nothing says "I forgive you, mom" like keys to the car.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Melissa wants to clear the air with Maddie… finally.  Maddie says it’s embarrassing.  Melissa says she was embarrassed to tell her that she made a mistake… but, in the end, it was a good thing for her.  She was happy to be pregnant.  Whew, for a second, I wasn’t sure she was going to remember the part about being happy for her daughter.  She says she loves her and she doesn’t want her to make the same mistakes, which is why she’s had her clutches in her for so long.  And here I thought that was just called parenting.  To seal the forgiveness, Melissa gives Maddie back her car keys.  Wait, so this is how it works?  Sneak out and lie to your parent and get grounded until you can find out some dirt on said parent?  Ok, then…

Melissa:  I’m glad Melissa and Maddie finally have “the talk”.  And by that, I mean her de-crowing.  I guess Mom’s getting de-crowned means you get de-grounded.

C Is For Cookie

Gasp, are those double chocolate brownies? Is there an employee discount that comes with this job?

Rachel’s What Happened?  Time for interview number 2.  This time Kalyn’s smart enough to play the game and say she’s always loved baking.  She actually says she bakes something other than ziti this time.  The manager agrees to give her a trial run since she has the skill set.  Well played, Kalyn.  Well played.  She gets to bake and eat all day.  Oh Leslie, is not going to be happy.

Melissa:  Um, be careful telling them you bake every day… Turning on an oven isn’t really baking.

All The Drama of Dallas

Oh, nothing makes the Two Winey Bitches happier than a step & repeat... Well, nothing other than wine... and cheese... and shoes...

Rachel’s What Happened:  Bonnie finds another one of Pam’s cyber-stalking accounts.  This time, she says Bonnie is a “looser”.  Ah, one of my pet peeves – not knowing the difference between loser and looser.  That, and you’re vs your.  I’m sure I’ll be hearing from some of you about that, but it really does drive me crazy.  Bonnie says Pam needs to live by karma.  Karma’s gonna get her.  And my karma, she means taking matters into her own hands and getting even with Pam.

But first, Bonnie has to launch her new Fiona Frost book at her own party at the Southfork Ranch.  In between making sure everything is going smoothly,  ChaCha takes the time to tell Shaye she made the right choice by choosing fruit instead of cookies, and then calls her Sasquatch in front of her friends.  Wow.  I hope that woman sleeps with one eye open, because she is seriously pushing that child to the edge.  Maddie reads as Fiona Frost and is actually pretty cute.  Hannah shows up at the party and Bonnie asks how her cyber-bullying mom is.  Whitney is embarrassed… And if Whitney is embarrassed, that’s saying something.  I can’t blame her though.  There is never a good reason for parents to bring kids into their silly petty arguments.  Hannah says Pam runs two companies and doesn’t have enough time to cyber-bully.  Let’s all politely smile and nod and back away before this goes any further.

Meanwhile, Leslie wants to apologize to Melissa whom she hopes has a special place in her heart to forgive her.  I think you’re more likely to find she has a special place in her fist to punch you.  She tells Melissa that she’s completely embarrassed, but she didn’t know Maddie didn’t know.  Melissa tells her that her apology seems calculated and that she’s still raw.  Leslie doesn’t want this to affect the kids and she knows what she did was worse than her telling Kalyn to quit pageants.  Melissa says the apology still didn’t feel genuine…. That’s because Leslie is allergic to anything genuine.

Melissa:  OK, isn’t the author supposed to read the book, and not the cover girl?  I never heard of Fabio reading at book signings.  OK Bonnie, no need to attack Pam’s daughter Hannah about your beef with Pam.  Follow your own rules and no attacking the kids.  You don’t want to be seen as the bully in this instance.  OK Leslie, we all see through that apology of yours, but hey, if it makes you feel better.

Almost Hallmark Moment

Keep talking about your date, mom. I'll just be over here deciding what you can buy me next.

Rachel’s What’s Happening:  Grace asks how Connie’s date was.  Connie says it was just something different and it was nice to go to dinner with someone she didn’t know.  Grace tells her mom that she doesn’t care anymore about her dating.  She’s happy for her mom and likes that her mom seems happy… and she buys her things when she’s happy.  Oh so close to a really sweet moment!

The Fashionistas Meet Drama

Lady, you had better step away from my client. My lunches are bigger than you.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Hannah tells Pam about Bonnie’s cyber-bullying comment.  Hannah says Bonnie’s the bully.  But Pam doesn’t give a shit because there’s nothing intellectual about Bonnie.  Besides, she has more important things to worry about, like her party for Hard Whispers 2.  I want to name my non-existent band Hard Whispers.  We’ll cover Careless Whisper but do it as a heavy metal version.  It’s gonna be rad!  But first I have to learn to play an instrument.

Anyway over at the party, Leslie crashes again and Connie wants to know why.  It’s because Leslie wants to join the Fashionistas, of course – the next stage in her revenge plot against Pam.  But she’ll have to surrender the role of “insane scene starter” tonight because Bonnie just found out that her mystery stalker (aka Pam) has gone after Whitney.  Whitney doesn’t care but Bonnie is on the warpath.  Looks like we’re about to have another Bonnie blowout.  Whitney says not to forget to check-in on Facebook as her mother storms out of the house.   A tip of the hat, Whitney.  Excellent comeback.

Pam’s bodyguard… wait, Pam has a bodyguard?  For what does Pam need a bodyguard?  I guess she’s seen too many Kim G. appearances on RHONJ.  While Leslie bonds with Fashionista Leanne over pageants, Pam considers whether or not to have her bodyguard throw Leslie out.  But he will probably be occupied with the fireball raging through the door in the form of one Bonnie Blossman.  She unleashes on Pam calling her a bully and accusing her of going after her daughter.  Pam laughs and walks away leaving the bodyguard to deal with Bonnie.  He tells her to leave and Bonnie says, “Make me.”  I kinda love her for that response and I kinda am scared for her at the same time.  She decides to leave on her own and knocks over a table on her way out.  Texas goes Jersey!  Leslie chases her out and gives her props.  Yeah, you’re only the second biggest ass in the room now.  Needless to say, Heidi is not pleased with the scene.  Drama flattens the bubbles in her champagne and that is not OK.  She tells Pam that it makes her nervous that these people are out there in her circle, which is now in her own circle.  She doesn’t put up with that crap.  It’s getting hot under the collar for Miss Pam.

Melissa:  Oh this is going to be good when Bonnie rolls up and causes her scene.  But wait, Leslie showed up??  Oh, this is really going to be a good party!  Oh come on Bonnie, the “make me”?  Really?  That’s not going to get anyone on your side.  However, you set Heidi off, and that my dear, will be fun to watch.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Hee hee… The wheels are coming off the carts and the drama is starting to really unfold.  Love it.

Melissa:  OK, I can’t wait for next week and the whole Kalyn / Tyler skeeve!!  Maybe I’ll even get adventurous and possibly have a book review of Bonnie and Pam’s books – well, maybe just the first chapters.