Tag Archives: Dancing

One-Sentence Summary:  Tonight we crown a winner and hope that it’s not Rob Kardashian.

Portrait Of A Broken Man by Kris Kardashian Jenner Kardashian

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: Remember last week when I threatened to riot if J.R. got eliminated?  Well, buckle up kids, the threat level is still at Red.  This lady is lacing up her boots and there isn’t a lawn ornament safe in a 2-mile radius if J.R. doesn’t take home that Mirror Ball Trophy.  Ok, maybe it’s more like a 2-block radius.  I’m not that ambitious. But I am that willing to face the Johnny Rent-A-Cops in my ‘hood all in the name of righteous indignation.  And I don’t even want to tell you what will happen to the neighborhood mailboxes if J.R. loses AND Rob wins.  It won’t be pretty…  Alrighty then, now that that’s clear, here we go.

Melissa:  Tonight is the night we crown a winner – and it better be J.R. if ABC knows what’s good for them!  I’ve decided I’m going to take the “RHOBH Richards Sisters’” approach to Rob this evening… I’m just going to ignore him.

In Case You Missed Every Episode This Season

In case you didn't see anything that happened all season, we are given a recap of how far the Final 3 have come and reintroduced to the Ghosts of Contestants past all dolled up and ready to waste our time with consolation dances.

Melissa:  Of course no DWTS episode worth it’s salt could just start… We need pomp and circumstance before we can see the final dances – an hour of pomp!  Plus the recap of  last night… because you know, none of us watched it last night.

Rachel:  And we start with the dramatic retelling of the finalists stories.  Look, whether I want to admit it or not, I am invested in this ridiculous show, but J.R. isn’t going back to war and Rob didn’t actually become a man on the dance floor.  Sorry.  It’s still just a reality TV show.  Let’s not be overly dramatic… And no, I’m not being a hypocrite. Rioting is not overly dramatic.  It’s a perfectly legitimate way to make a very important point.  Anyway, they’re clearly pulling out all the stops tonight because we have Val’s abs back on display.  I hardly remember ye, Val’s abs.  Oh and all the eliminated stars are back.  Did you really make them get all into costume just to do a Soul Train Line?

Lady Antebellum

Lady Antebellum premiere their new song "We Owned The Night".

Rachel:  Oh boy this is gonna be fluff from start to finish.  I’m not mad at Lady Antebellum though.  They do have talent.  I don’t ever need to hear that “Need You Now” song ever again, but I’ll give this song a shot.  Hey look, more of Val’s abs!  He’s barely able to keep that shirt on, his abs want out so badly.  Ok, this is a nice song.  I think all country songs sound essentially the same but this is still… nice.

P.S. – They come back later and sing “Need You Now”.  Didn’t I just say I never needed to hear this song again?  It’s seriously one of the most overplayed songs in the history of music.  It’s up there with Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me”.  At least, the Lady Antebellum song is a good song.  Can’t say the same for Nickelback.

Final Three Favorite Dances Of The Season

Ricki Lake

The Final 3 dance their favorite dance of the season for the judges. Ricki & Derek choose their Tango to the Psycho Theme Music.

Melissa:  I love it as much as I did the first time… maybe a bit more so as it seems they are just having an awesome time out there with their final dance.

Rachel:  It’s still a really good dance and it’s still awkward music to dance to.  Len says it’s one of the most memorable dances of this or any season.  Bruno said it was a grand cinematic extravaganza.  Carrie Ann says she is a fighter who never gives up and it was beyond perfection this time.

Rob Kardashian

Rob & Cheryl dance their Foxtrot, the dance he dedicated to his Dad, to "Fly Me To The Moon" by Frank Sinatra.

Melissa:  Again, I am anti-Kardashian so, as usual, out of spite I will not like this Foxtrot at all.  And I shall pull the “Richards” now and ignore them.  At least Bruce got bumped back up to the front row with the rest of his “family”.  

Rachel: Sigh… Please let me be done with the Kardashians already.  I’m ready to deal with the insane rantings and boos from the Sister Troika when Rob doesn’t make into the next round.  Let’s just get to it, please.  PLEASE.  He really has gotten much more relaxed, but he’s still got that Kardashian Women monkey on his back.  Can’t get on board with it.  At all.  The dance was fine.  Bruno says he’s improved beyond expectations.  Carrie Ann said everything looks like it comes so easy for him now.  Len says his slip doesn’t matter because he’s got the best footwork of any man on the show.  Say what?  You’re insane Len, and on my list now.  I’m seriously confused by his sudden love for all things Rob & Hope… Did they jump him one night out back?

J.R. Martinez

J.R. and Karina do their Jive to "Jump, Jive, an' Wail" by The Brian Setzer Orchestra again, but without the lifts and Lindy they were penalized for last time.

Melissa:  The judges seem to be a little “meh” on the dance… well, that is with the exception of Bruno who I don’t think has ever had a meh moment in his life.

Rachel:  It’s pretty brave call being they got a craptastic score on that one the first time they did it.  So, let’s see what they pull out for us.  How can you tell me Rob has better footwork than J.R???  Rob couldn’t pull that Jive off.  No effing way.  There were a few flubs so I’m not sure why they picked this one but I’m hoping it still works out.  Carrie Ann said there were a few misses but he brings such joy to the dance floor.  Len says the band & singers are always consistent.  M’kay, Len.  You’re really starting to chap my hide.  Bruno says it was energetic, fast-paced fun fun fun!

Round Scores

Ricki & Derek – 30

J.R. & Karina – 28

Rob & Cheryl – 26  (Guess Len got outvoted)

The First Elimination

One of the Final Three is sent home before the Final Dance - The Instant Samba

Melissa:   A big “whaaa?” from me.  I can not believe what’s-his-name has made it to the final round.  I stand (Well, sit… with my feet up) here appalled at the choice to send Rob to the finals over Ricki.

Rachel:  WHAT????  Ricki & Derek are eliminated???  I’m blown away.  Effing Kardashian lemmings!  Oh, I’m pissed now.  Pissed, I tell you.  Somewhere backstage, Maks is giddy with joy, which just ups the pissed-offed-ness.  Derek didn’t bring home the trophy.  So, I guess it isn’t rigged in favor of Derek.  Well, I applaud you Ricki.  You really are a phenomenal dancer and should be in the final two.

The Eliminated Contestants

We now spend a large chunk of time watching the nine previously eliminated "stars" dance again. Among the dances, Chynna gets a do-over on her Mission Impossible crash-and-burn and Carson brings us his version of Madonna's "Vogue".

Rachel:  Really are we going to see them all dance?  If we wanted to se them dance again, we’d have voted for them to stay.  And really Val, your chest again?  We get it.  We really do.  It’s like your compensating for something… What could it be?  Blah blah Kristin… What’s next?  Oh, it’s kinda cool that Chynna is going to get a second chance at her Mission Impossible dance.  Shame she didn’t do this the first time because she really could have made it all the way.  Can we now just power through the rest of the dances?  I mean I love Carson but I’m really just ready for us to get to the trophy already…  Ok, maybe I’m happy to see Carson again but shhh…. Yeah, I’m totally loving the Vogue dance.  I take it back Carson!  That was a good time sundae topped with a heaping spoonful of awesome sauce.  Am I supposed to know the person dancing with Chaz?  Oh, it’s a Schwimmer.  Still not that much clearer on who he is.  And now I have to sit through Maks & Hope again.  This is a slow form of torture.  The government should employ the producers at ABC to help them come up with ideas of how to get terrorist suspects to talk.

Melissa:  Really, Carson needs to become the new hostess of the show… for real ABC!!

The Final Dance - Instant Samba

J.R. & Karina & Rob & Cheryl dance an Instant Samba to Ricki Martin's "Shake Your Bon Bon" for a final score from the judges.

Melissa:  For some reason I have “The Final Countdown” in my head… But no, it shall be replaced with “Shake Your Bon Bon”.  Great, I just got “Living La Vida Loca” out of my head.   Damn you, XM radio!!  J.R. and Karina go 1st for the instant samba, and I like it… I really do!  Of course J. R. could go out there and just do the “Wham Wake Me Up” arm flail and I’d adore it!!  I really don’t get why they say Rob can shake his hips… That’s just awkward wanna-be wagging if you ask me.
Rachel:  Here we go!!!  The final stretch!  Ok, there’s no part of me that can be impartial on this one.  No matter what happens out there, J.R. will do a better job.  And quite frankly, he did.  Sorry Len, J.R. has better feet and better rhythm than Rob.  Len says well done to both of them.  Lame.  Bruno says J.R. can turn it on at will and people eat from his hands.  Rob really learned how to use his bon bon.  Both were brilliant.  Carrie Ann says both of them are winners and they both went for it.  Well, so there you have it.  I have no idea what to make of those comments, so let’s just get the scores:

J.R. & Karina – 30 (Hell yeah!)

Rob & Cheryl – 30 (Come on.)

So one point separates the two on the judge’s scale.  That means it’s up to you guys out there.  Please don’t let me down.

The Final Final

And all is right in the world... J.R. wins and Karina gets her first Mirror Trophy. Yippee!

Melissa:  OK DWTS… I will watch again.  You did right by my boy J.R.!  I love how grateful and even graceful he is in his thankful words and his joy and respect for everyone.  Awesome job J.R. and Karina – Congtrats!

Rachel:  YEAH!!!!!  J.R. wins!!!!!  You didn’t let me down!  Garden gnomes everywhere rejoice that I will not have to rampage tonight.  Woo!  I’m a little misty over here.  Aw yeah, last year Hines and this year J.R.  I may be the jinx on Project Runway but this is my show!

Bottom Line:

Thanks to all that took the DWTS journey with us this season.  We will see you on the next round.  Until then, we have The Bachelor.  Oy…

One-Sentence Summary:  Well, it’s down to the end people and one of the final four misses the finals by a week.

I wouldn't be mad at Gonzo as a co-host. Just putting it out there.

My Thoughts:

Rachel: I’m telling you right now that if J.R. doesn’t make it into the finals, there’s going to be a one-woman riot in the streets of this here gated community.  Don’t think I won’t turn over a garbage can or two if they get in my way.  And that wrought-iron golfer figurine on my neighbor’s lawn?  Toast.  I’m taking it all the way to the top or until the rent-a-cops ask me to go home.  I just can’t imagine he’s gone, but I said that about Chynna too.  Oh, this DWTS voting audience is a fickle mistress.  Well, shall we get to watching a bunch of filler for an entire hour until they get to the elimination?  Perhaps they’ll surprise us with a little Carson Kressley tonight to break up the monotony?

Encore Rob

Rob and Cheryl get the encore dance and are the first couple to find out if they're safe.

Gee, I wonder if they are safe.  The anticipation is killing me.  I haven’t been this on pins and needles since I was waiting to find out if all the cheese would be melted in my grilled cheese sandwich.  Hey did anyone else see Kris Kardashian lean over and say “I told you so.” to Bruce Jenner?  She must sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to him by now.  That’s the only way I can imagine he survives.  Oh, the results… He’s safe.

They Built This City On Synth Pop

Cobra Starship performs.

Dear God children, what the hell are you listening to these days?  This is terrible.  I could have written this song in the fifth grade for a talent show.  I’m sure I’ll lose points on the indie cred scale, but I stand by this opinion.  When I heard “Cobra Starship”, I was scared it was a Starship tribute band.  Now, I’m kinda wishing it was.  By the way, we haven’t seen Val’s abs in a few weeks.  Did he eat too many bowls of pasta thus violating the No Carbs Rule in his contract?

The Wonder Twins

Hope & Maks are up next to find out if they are safe and show their usual level of class.

Another peak behind the scenes with Hope & Maks and another sullen bratty response from Hope.  Ugh, couldn’t be more over a human.  I’m serious…  And lookie at the classy “f**k them” about the judges.  Wow, they’re such children.  They should go hang out with the Housewives.  I mean, come on already.  She’s not a good dancer!!!  I hate to tell her.  No, I don’t hate to tell her.  I am more than happy to tell her.  And if they go home tonight, I will be the best dancer the world ever saw.  I’m gonna forgo the riot and dance a jig all over this house…. and maybe take out the wrought-iron golfer just for shits and giggles.

Happy Day, It’s Carson!

I conjured him up! It's Carson and "The Queer Eye for the Dance Guy." Carson visits the costume designers and is their assistant this week.

Ha ha… Carson tells Rob a ruffle will make his butt look smaller.  If only that were true, I’d be swathed in ruffles from head to toe every day.  I am saddened that he didn’t call out the color of Ricki’s illusion netting.  It’s seriously the color of those L’Eggs stockings from the 70′s.  Although how could you not love stockings that came in plastic eggs that would catch and run before you even got them on.  Ah, good times.

Derek & Anna Go Gaga

Derek & Anna dance to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" which was chosen by the audience; as were their outfits.

Oh no… You are not torturing me again with this woman trying to do Lady Gaga.  Well, the good news is that this an easier song to sing than “Edge Of Glory” from the first week.  And I like Derek’s choreography so I’ll “suffer” through this time waster.  I’m like the Gandhi of Reality TV.

Let’s Hear It For The Boys

So, it's time for the last AT&T Spotlight Performance. Tonight, we hear the story of the kid who stars in Footloose, Kenny Wormald. We are told how hard it was for him to be a dancer growing up. Then, we meet other male dancers who have been bullied for choosing to dance, but each of them say that they refuse to quit doing something they love because someone else might not like it. They remind us that it does get better and that you should always follow your passions, no matter what anyone thinks.

You know how I feel about the Footloose remake, but thanks to the story I’m feeling a little warmer towards Wormser.  And these boys rocked it out.  I hope they get a little Seven Minutes of Heaven when they get home.  That will teach those lame bullies.  It amazes me that we still live in a world where men dancing is unacceptable.  It’s not like it’s not on your TV every day and night with some pretty manly men doing the do.  Man, kids are just cruel.

It’s Time To Play The Music…

The Muppets perform "Life's A Happy Song". Yay, Muppets!

Ok, anyone who doesn’t love The Muppets is a fascist.  And not in the way that people like to banty about in reference to someone that has a different political opinion than they do.  The actual kind that is intolerant and sucky.  Real definition.  BTW, I’m so going to see the new Muppet Movie when it comes out.  Anyone have a kid I can borrow so I’m not the creepy old lady there by herself?  Oh! The balcony guys, Statler & Waldorf!  I love them most of all.  On the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational… This is what we call the Muppet Show!

Who’s Next…

Ricki & Derek and J.R. & Karina are up to find out which one is in the bottom two.

Again, I think we know which way this is going.  I hate to say it but J.R. is in the bottom two.  I don’t even need to hear it to know it’s true.  Grilled cheese all over again.  Yep, J.R. is in jeopardy.  I’m getting my riot shoes on.

The Elimination

Hope & Maks and J.R. & Karina wait to find out who is going to the finals and who is going home.

Oh boy… Here we go.  I’m nervous.  It has to be Hope that’s going home.  Right?  Right???  I mean it has to be.  Side bar:  Wonder if it’s still awkward for Maks & Karina to be on the same stage since they broke off their engagement.  Must be… just a little, no?  Anyway, let’s get back to business.   Hope and Maks are going home!  Whew!  Gotta change out of the riot shoes into the dance shoes because it’s jig time!

Bottom Line:

Wait, did they just say next week is only an hour??? Oh how dreams do come true!  J.R. is in and we only have to give ABC one hour of our lives.  Next you’re going to tell me The Tooth Fairy is real.