One-Sentence Summary: Tonight we crown a winner and hope that it’s not Rob Kardashian.
Rachel: Remember last week when I threatened to riot if J.R. got eliminated? Well, buckle up kids, the threat level is still at Red. This lady is lacing up her boots and there isn’t a lawn ornament safe in a 2-mile radius if J.R. doesn’t take home that Mirror Ball Trophy. Ok, maybe it’s more like a 2-block radius. I’m not that ambitious. But I am that willing to face the Johnny Rent-A-Cops in my ‘hood all in the name of righteous indignation. And I don’t even want to tell you what will happen to the neighborhood mailboxes if J.R. loses AND Rob wins. It won’t be pretty… Alrighty then, now that that’s clear, here we go.
Melissa: Tonight is the night we crown a winner – and it better be J.R. if ABC knows what’s good for them! I’ve decided I’m going to take the “RHOBH Richards Sisters’” approach to Rob this evening… I’m just going to ignore him.
In Case You Missed Every Episode This Season
Melissa: Of course no DWTS episode worth it’s salt could just start… We need pomp and circumstance before we can see the final dances – an hour of pomp! Plus the recap of last night… because you know, none of us watched it last night.
Rachel: And we start with the dramatic retelling of the finalists stories. Look, whether I want to admit it or not, I am invested in this ridiculous show, but J.R. isn’t going back to war and Rob didn’t actually become a man on the dance floor. Sorry. It’s still just a reality TV show. Let’s not be overly dramatic… And no, I’m not being a hypocrite. Rioting is not overly dramatic. It’s a perfectly legitimate way to make a very important point. Anyway, they’re clearly pulling out all the stops tonight because we have Val’s abs back on display. I hardly remember ye, Val’s abs. Oh and all the eliminated stars are back. Did you really make them get all into costume just to do a Soul Train Line?
Rachel: Oh boy this is gonna be fluff from start to finish. I’m not mad at Lady Antebellum though. They do have talent. I don’t ever need to hear that “Need You Now” song ever again, but I’ll give this song a shot. Hey look, more of Val’s abs! He’s barely able to keep that shirt on, his abs want out so badly. Ok, this is a nice song. I think all country songs sound essentially the same but this is still… nice.
P.S. – They come back later and sing “Need You Now”. Didn’t I just say I never needed to hear this song again? It’s seriously one of the most overplayed songs in the history of music. It’s up there with Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me”. At least, the Lady Antebellum song is a good song. Can’t say the same for Nickelback.
Final Three Favorite Dances Of The Season
Melissa: I love it as much as I did the first time… maybe a bit more so as it seems they are just having an awesome time out there with their final dance.
Rachel: It’s still a really good dance and it’s still awkward music to dance to. Len says it’s one of the most memorable dances of this or any season. Bruno said it was a grand cinematic extravaganza. Carrie Ann says she is a fighter who never gives up and it was beyond perfection this time.
Melissa: Again, I am anti-Kardashian so, as usual, out of spite I will not like this Foxtrot at all. And I shall pull the “Richards” now and ignore them. At least Bruce got bumped back up to the front row with the rest of his “family”.
Rachel: Sigh… Please let me be done with the Kardashians already. I’m ready to deal with the insane rantings and boos from the Sister Troika when Rob doesn’t make into the next round. Let’s just get to it, please. PLEASE. He really has gotten much more relaxed, but he’s still got that Kardashian Women monkey on his back. Can’t get on board with it. At all. The dance was fine. Bruno says he’s improved beyond expectations. Carrie Ann said everything looks like it comes so easy for him now. Len says his slip doesn’t matter because he’s got the best footwork of any man on the show. Say what? You’re insane Len, and on my list now. I’m seriously confused by his sudden love for all things Rob & Hope… Did they jump him one night out back?
Melissa: The judges seem to be a little “meh” on the dance… well, that is with the exception of Bruno who I don’t think has ever had a meh moment in his life.
Rachel: It’s pretty brave call being they got a craptastic score on that one the first time they did it. So, let’s see what they pull out for us. How can you tell me Rob has better footwork than J.R??? Rob couldn’t pull that Jive off. No effing way. There were a few flubs so I’m not sure why they picked this one but I’m hoping it still works out. Carrie Ann said there were a few misses but he brings such joy to the dance floor. Len says the band & singers are always consistent. M’kay, Len. You’re really starting to chap my hide. Bruno says it was energetic, fast-paced fun fun fun!
Ricki & Derek – 30
J.R. & Karina – 28
Rob & Cheryl – 26 (Guess Len got outvoted)
The First Elimination
Melissa: A big “whaaa?” from me. I can not believe what’s-his-name has made it to the final round. I stand (Well, sit… with my feet up) here appalled at the choice to send Rob to the finals over Ricki.
Rachel: WHAT???? Ricki & Derek are eliminated??? I’m blown away. Effing Kardashian lemmings! Oh, I’m pissed now. Pissed, I tell you. Somewhere backstage, Maks is giddy with joy, which just ups the pissed-offed-ness. Derek didn’t bring home the trophy. So, I guess it isn’t rigged in favor of Derek. Well, I applaud you Ricki. You really are a phenomenal dancer and should be in the final two.
The Eliminated Contestants
Rachel: Really are we going to see them all dance? If we wanted to se them dance again, we’d have voted for them to stay. And really Val, your chest again? We get it. We really do. It’s like your compensating for something… What could it be? Blah blah Kristin… What’s next? Oh, it’s kinda cool that Chynna is going to get a second chance at her Mission Impossible dance. Shame she didn’t do this the first time because she really could have made it all the way. Can we now just power through the rest of the dances? I mean I love Carson but I’m really just ready for us to get to the trophy already… Ok, maybe I’m happy to see Carson again but shhh…. Yeah, I’m totally loving the Vogue dance. I take it back Carson! That was a good time sundae topped with a heaping spoonful of awesome sauce. Am I supposed to know the person dancing with Chaz? Oh, it’s a Schwimmer. Still not that much clearer on who he is. And now I have to sit through Maks & Hope again. This is a slow form of torture. The government should employ the producers at ABC to help them come up with ideas of how to get terrorist suspects to talk.
Melissa: Really, Carson needs to become the new hostess of the show… for real ABC!!
The Final Dance - Instant Samba
Melissa: For some reason I have “The Final Countdown” in my head… But no, it shall be replaced with “Shake Your Bon Bon”. Great, I just got “Living La Vida Loca” out of my head. Damn you, XM radio!! J.R. and Karina go 1st for the instant samba, and I like it… I really do! Of course J. R. could go out there and just do the “Wham Wake Me Up” arm flail and I’d adore it!! I really don’t get why they say Rob can shake his hips… That’s just awkward wanna-be wagging if you ask me.
Rachel: Here we go!!! The final stretch! Ok, there’s no part of me that can be impartial on this one. No matter what happens out there, J.R. will do a better job. And quite frankly, he did. Sorry Len, J.R. has better feet and better rhythm than Rob. Len says well done to both of them. Lame. Bruno says J.R. can turn it on at will and people eat from his hands. Rob really learned how to use his bon bon. Both were brilliant. Carrie Ann says both of them are winners and they both went for it. Well, so there you have it. I have no idea what to make of those comments, so let’s just get the scores:
J.R. & Karina – 30 (Hell yeah!)
Rob & Cheryl – 30 (Come on.)
So one point separates the two on the judge’s scale. That means it’s up to you guys out there. Please don’t let me down.
The Final Final
Melissa: OK DWTS… I will watch again. You did right by my boy J.R.! I love how grateful and even graceful he is in his thankful words and his joy and respect for everyone. Awesome job J.R. and Karina – Congtrats!
Rachel: YEAH!!!!! J.R. wins!!!!! You didn’t let me down! Garden gnomes everywhere rejoice that I will not have to rampage tonight. Woo! I’m a little misty over here. Aw yeah, last year Hines and this year J.R. I may be the jinx on Project Runway but this is my show!
Thanks to all that took the DWTS journey with us this season. We will see you on the next round. Until then, we have The Bachelor. Oy…