Tag Archives: Connie Dieb

One Sentence Summary -  The women are back to do a proper reunion show and defend their bad behavior.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, it seems the holidays and work has left these Winey Bitches super behind in our duties.  So terribly sorry.  We’re dividing and conquering and trying to catch up a quickly as possible.  So, tonight I am covering the BRT Reunion Specials all at once.  I may have to be medicated with something stronger than wine by the end of this.

Let’s see… So when we left the ladies, there were two engagements, one police report, one polygraph test and a lot of shouting going on.  Think anything’s been resolved since the swimwear party?  Me either.  Shall we find out for sure?

Part 1

Um, Vivica A Fox, you’re too pretty for all those fillers.  Back off the needle before you look like one of the ladies you’re interviewing.  Seriously, you’re one of the prettiest women in Hollywood, but your face is being swallowed by your cheeks.  Anywho, the gang’s all here… except for Leslie, who feels safer participating via video feed.  That’s genius.  How awesome would it be if she were actually in the next room?  But it’s clear that none of the women there are missing her, so we go on with Leslie in the role of Max Headroom.  Look it up, kiddies.

We start by revisiting the demise of Bonnie & Leslie’s friendship.  Leslie did an interview with Radar Online where she says that she is the only lady that has never lied & always takes the high road in arguments.  Really?  I am pretty sure that was champagne flying out of your glass into Melissa’s face.  We’re waiting to find out from Leslie what the other ladies have lied about but we don’t make it past her saying that Bonnie’s accusation that the police report was false is a lie before there’s more screaming from the group & Vivica has to change the subject.  Lord, it’s going to be a long loud night.

Up next, Kalyn & Whitney.  Whitney says she picks on Kalyn because they’re both trying to be top boss.  Kalyn says they’re just competing with each other like all women do.  Um, what women?  I know women are competitive but I don’t know any women who behave like that… and I lived in LA for 15 years.  Grow up, ladies.

 Leslie thinks it’s terrible that Whitney picks on someone younger than her.  Bonnie thinks Kalyn is brainwashed by Leslie.  I think there’s not enough wine in the world to make this bearable.  And now Kalyn is crying because she has no other mother figure in her life so she has to stand by Leslie no matter what anyone else says.  Melissa comes to her defense and says that Kalyn has clearly matured over the last year and is sitting there a poised young lady.  Applause all around including Whitney who feels for Kalyn.  Now they both claim they’re going to act like adults… Wish their mother’s would take note.  They even hug it out.  Well, will wonders never cease?

Next on the docket, Whitney & The Boogs.  Now, Bonnie is crying because her baby’s all grows’d up and she can’t cut the apron strings.  Lord Bonnie, get some therapy.  Your daughter is 25.  But she feels like Booger is taking her baby away from her.  Oh and the tattoos are a problem.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure she had beaucoup tats before the arrival of Boogs.  Whitney just wants to pay her own way because not paying bills makes her irresponsible.  Well, um Whit, you can just transfer bills over to your name if you feel that passionate about it.  Not that hard.  And how is that a bad thing, Bonnie?  Let the girl go.  You have Jason to boss around.

It’s Cindy’s turn and it seems she was warned about all the women by Pam.  Aw Pam… I promise I won’t go on a tangent again.  I’ll just leave it at “aw”…. but I do wish Pam would come back.  Leslie was drawn to Cindy right away and Cindy liked Leslie right off the bat too.  Not so much anymore.  Though it seems like even if she did still like Leslie, the other ladies aren’t going to allow it.  But let’s not focus on that.  Let’s talk about boozing and Cindy.  She says doesn’t have a problem, and Alex has no problem with it.  Well, then you must no have a problem… but I’m thinking you might have a teensy weensy problem.  Now that we’ve established she doesn’t have a drinking problem, let’s discuss her parenting problem.  Cha Cha still thinks Cindy should show up to every one of her daughter’s events since she doesn’t have a job.  Personally, I don’t think Cha Cha is any position to be giving a lecture on parenting.  Right, Slappy?

There was some talk about Bonnie’s penchant for glitter & costumes, but I don’t really care so we’re moving right on to Cindy hitting on Tyler & the subsequent (and now infamous) police report.  Sorry, incident report… because that makes it better… and different.  Have they never seen this footage?  Why do they all look so surprised by Cindy hitting on Tyler?  After the tape, Maddie says that she has heard Tyler call Whitney a bitch with her own ears.  Leslie calls the 16-year-old Maddie a liar.  Classy, Leslie.  Melissa says it’s on tape so maybe think twice before calling her daughter a liar.  Leslie then says that she didn’t call Maddie a

liar, she doesn’t know if Maddie heard that.  Uh, do you even hear the words that come out of your mouth when you say them?  It’s like the rotating voices in your head aren’t talking to each other.  But the bottom line here is that, while Jason was totally out of line with his threats, he didn’t actually harm anyone.  Cindy hasn’t spoken to Leslie since the show ended because Jason was just sticking up for her.  Well, not really.  Jason was using your moment to bawl Tyler out about Whitney.  But Leslie thinks that it was all done because Jason wanted TV time.  And there it is.  The line.  And if that wasn’t enough, Leslie says that Whitney told Tyler that she wouldn’t care if Jason was dead.  With that, Bonnie is on her feet and ready to go find Leslie for a brawl.  Yes, all 5’2″ of her is marching off to find Leslie in the next room… I told you she was probably there.  But Vivica reels her back in, and the drama continues.  I was about to say I don’t give a shit so let’s move on, but it seems we can’t because Jason is actually here.  Tyler, on the other hand, declined to show.

Oh lookie, Jason combed his hair… and put a lot of grease in it.  Jason maintains that he was defending women.  Yeah well this woman is calling shenanigans.  Can we please just all agree that you were defending Whitney & stop this nonsensical conversation already?  Leslie says that there’s a lot of screaming in their

household… I am not sure what the hell that is supposed to defend, but Jason uses it to say that yes, there is screaming because there are consequences for your actions in his home.  Nice.  Jason says he apologized to Leslie.  Oh really?  What say you, Leslie?  She acknowledges that he sent an email but it was too late because she had already filed a police report.  Bonnie says that it actually was the night before the police report.  But none of that matters since she ignored it anyway.  She’s so crazy.  She seriously contradicts herself in the same sentence and acts like it makes sense.  Vivica tries one more time to get her to come to the show, but she maintains that she’s scared for her safety.  Anyone who wants to spend their life playing the victim should watch reruns of this show.  Leslie might be the greatest victim of all time.

Now we’re hearing from Alex that Leslie told her that she’s glad that she & her mom are such good friends because she’s the star of the show.  Granted, this is supposed to be a story about Tyler hitting on a 15-year-old, so I’m confused how that statement condemns Tyler for texting Alex.  These people make no sense.  They just talk in circles.  But Leslie denies this and now Alex is lying.  I’m sensing a theme here.  Someone recounts a Leslie story and then Leslie calls them a liar.

Honestly, the only interesting thing thus far is how maturely Kalyn is handling all of this.  People are losing it on her godmother and she hasn’t uttered a peep.  She says that they’re all entitled to their opinion and she just needs to sit there and behave.  I like this new Kalyn.  She looks great too.  She can stick around.  Maybe the rest of them can learn a lesson or two.

Vivica asks Jason to apologize to Tyler. He does.  And I’m seriously so over this entire storyline.  Can we move on for the love of all that is holy?  Oh I guess so since Part 1 is over.  Halfway through…

Part 2

The wine wasn’t working so I just made myself some Yogi Tea that is supposed to help calm my nerves.  You know things are bad when I’m giving up wine and relying on tea to give me strength… I just hope we can move on from an hour of people screaming and calling each other liars.  Doubtful, but here we go.  Let’s get this over with.

We finally get to confront Cha Cha’s parenting and her wanting to give her teenage daughter Botox.  I’m still sickened by that whole scene.  Whitney thinks 13 is too young, but not 15.  Genius heard from.  Bonnie thinks 30 is a good age.  And if Bonnie is telling you to lay off plastic surgery, you might want to listen.  Cindy thinks kids should stay kids as long as possible.  Amen.  Cindy, we finally agree on something.

Now, the slapping shall be addressed.  Cha Cha says what we don’t see if how Shay speaks to her.  Uh, so that means you should slap her across the face?  In the words of one Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”  Seems she doesn’t really get the message you’re trying to send.  So Shay says that she gets mouthy so she doesn’t hit her mom.  Again, how’s that slapping working for you, Cha Cha?   Your daughter is trying not to hit you!  But the good news here is that Cha Cha actually did get the message that there are other ways to “deal with” Shay.  It makes me cringe a little bit that she uses the term “deal with” when referring to her daughter over & over.  But hey, if she has seen the error of her ways, I’m all for it.

Wait, are we going to back to Leslie already?  No, please, no!  I’m begging you.

But here we are revisiting rehab and the polygraph.  That’s an awesome name for a band, Rehab and The Polygraphs.  So are we going to keep talking about the damn polygraph or are we actually going to hear the results.  Oh, I guess we do have it, but Bonnie says that she could have made it up and that pathological liars believe what they’re saying.  She has a point there.  But Leslie passed the test so Connie is the liar here.  Well, so says Leslie.  Now they’re all screaming about drug tests because druggies can pass polygraph tests.  But Vivica is offering to give them all polygraphs.  Leslie says no.  So Connie says no.  Does anyone else think Connie might actually be the liar here?   My gut is saying so… and that is all the polygraph I need.

Seems like Cindy might have some suspicions too.  Her friend’s husband is a police officer and he says they’re easy to pass.  Really?  But while she doesn’t think Connie lied, she’s confused.  And with that, Leslie is done.  As she says goodbye, Bonnie puts her fingers in her ears and starts doing the three-year-old “na na na na na I can’t hear you” routine.  It’s like these women escaped from the asylum and raided a Caché on their way to the reunion.  BTW, Leslie was so totally in the same building.

Now that Leslie is gone, the set is much calmer and we can talk about Kalyn’s

issues with her biological parents.  We watch Kalyn tell her mom that, because of how she treated her, she sometimes wished she were dead and reconnect with her dad.  There isn’t a dry eye in the house.  The good news is that Kalyn & her father are still in touch and rebuilding their relationship.  That is nice.

We discuss New Orleans and Bonnie’s issue with the sex toys.  She blames it on her conservative Catholic upbringing.  Yes, clearly you are following all those rules as you sit there in your skin tight dress with your boobs on display and threatening to kick Leslie’s ass.  Definitely conservative… Oh sorry, it’s only in the bedroom.  No wonder Jason has all that pent-up rage.  And Whitney has issues with the sex toy talk too… even though she has the c-word on her foot and is now saying it like it’s no big deal.  I mean I really can’t do much more than sit here and shake my head at the level of nonsense happening in front of me.

OMG! We’re back to the effing police report!  Seriously about to hit the FF button.  I don’t give a shit about this subject anymore.  But let’s read this police report out loud so maybe we can argue about it some more.  Now it’s because Leslie wanted the story in TMZ so her publicist said the only way that would happen is with a police report.  Are we really still talking about this.  They should use this reunion as an instrument of tortue.  I have a feeling people would crumble like cheap lawn chairs.  I’m ready to confess to crimes I didn’t commit just to make it stop.

Time for the men… Jason, Booger and Paul (aka Humbert Humbert).  Kalyn is asked about getting married at 19.  She says love is love.  Cha Cha says she’s too young and hasn’t lived on her own yet.  Paul says she’s been living on her own since she was 16.  Um, pretty sure she’s been living with Leslie.  But it’s ok because Kalyn doesn’t act 19.  This dude is creepers.  He says Kalyn’s lived her life already so she’s ready to get married.  SHE’S 19!!! She’s lived none of her life already.  Sick pig.  Sorry, I think he’s so gross.

Let’s move on to Boogs who, I have to say, has grown on me this season.  Vivica wants to know if Jason is still “sipping on the Haterade”.  He says it was the manner; not the man.  He thinks they should wait even though he was engaged at 18 after 6 months of dating.  Jason tries to play like he’s cool with it but then says he’s not paying for her wedding unless she waits a year because it has to be on his terms.  Seriously, this dude just needs to control something, but I’m thinking this isn’t it.  Let them be, dude.  Booger apologizes for asking Whitney to marry him without Jason’s blessing but he actually did ask and nothing is going to get in the way of him marrying the girl of his dreams.  Seriously Jason, stop drinking the Haterade.  I guess that term is back in fashion now?  But Jason won’t give his blessing and I think we can all agree that, at this point, he’s just holding out to prove a point and not relent.  Jackass.

And that’s that.  I want those two hours of my life back.  Now.

One Sentence Summary -  Season 3 comes to end with Leslie being accused of lying like in Season 2… and Season 1…

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Another Big Rich Texas season comes to an end tonight.  So, what have learned this time around?  One, that for a self-proclaimed smart person, Leslie isn’t that smart.  Between falling for the stress-induced UTI story to thinking she could file a police report… er incident report on Jason and still be friends with Bonnie, she really reinforced the blonde stereotype.  Two, we learned that a dude named Booger who makes a living shoving metal bars through people’s bodies, can actually be a stand-up dude.  Three, Jason still doesn’t have possession of his balls.  And four, this show really needs Pam back.  I mean she may have done some seriously underhanded things in her time, but it was always delivered with the most awesomely biting humor that you kinda just had to love her.  Besides, every good show needs a good villain and none of these other women hold a candle.  Melissa folded like a cheap lawn chair after episode 2.  Cha Cha is the absolute wrong kind of villain.  And I still can’t get past Cindy and the Yip Yip factor to give her the title.  So bring back Pam.  And while you’re at it, bring back Heidi.  Dallas just isn’t the same without the champagne & tiaras.  For real.

Melissa:  I have to admit it’s with mixed emotions that I am tuning in tonight.  I mean it feels like the season with the Texas ladies flew by and I’m sad to see them go, but I’m also going into tonight with fingers crossed we get an appearance by Heidi or Pam.  I mean it’s almost evil we’ve not seen even a passing glimpse of those awesome ladies.  I’m also going into tonight a few cups in thanks to dinner with the in-laws and a generous pourer in my MIL, “Would you like another glass of wine, Melissa?” I mean it’s almost rude to say no thank you when she so graciously offers right?  I want to be a good DIL and keep peace in the family, so of course I’m going to say yes… Twice.  Anywho, let’s send the Texas chicas off with a bang tonight!!

My Enemy’s Enemy Is My Friend

Rachel:  Hey look, Cindy’s day drinking!  Who woulda thunk it?  And who’s that at the bar with her?  It’s her new BFF Bonnie!  That’s right.  Forget all that silliness with Cindy trying to hit on Jason.  That’s so five minutes ago.  Bonnie’s got bigger fish to fry now, and today’s catch is named “Leslie”.  Cindy wants to know why she’s getting warned about Leslie, and Bonnie is more than happy to tell her.

Seems Leslie told Connie who told Bonnie that Cindy has been to rehab twice and was close to losing custody Alex.  Follow that?  Good.  Needless to say, Cindy doesn’t take the news too well, though I don’t think she’s in any danger of anyone mistaking her as someone that was in rehab.  Bonnie is sorry she had to be the one to tell her, but she thought she deserved to know.  Yeah, I almost believe that, Bonnie.  You love that you’re the one that had to tell her.  But Cindy will talk to Leslie and get the truth straight up.  As for her drinks, those she prefers on the rocks.

Melissa:  I love these ladies day-drinking at the club!!  That’s why I loves my club!  Oh snap, Leslie told Connie that Cindy went to rehab?  Damn, there is gonna be a big old can of whoop ass opened over that one.

Bland White Girls

Rachel: Melissa is casting models for her upcoming fashion show where she will be showing off her new line of cover-ups.  She is looking for models with confidence who aren’t just “bland white girls”.  I’m sorry but that just made me laugh.  Bland white girls?  Sounds like a bad pop band.  And as the girls start rolling in, it’s quite the assortment of types so no worries there.  The first girl that has your typical “swimsuit model” body dismisses Melissa with an “eh” when she jokingly asks if she can have her body.  Poor thing must be so terribly tired of everyone fawning all over her.  I’m not saying someone should trip her on her way out, but I’m not saying they shouldn’t either.

In the end, Melissa has her models but thinks she needs one more to be her back-up because she doesn’t feel ready to be on the runway.  Wait, what happened to Six-Pack Magee, your personal trainer?  You get too personal?  Maddie thinks she should do it to show all the old women like her that they can still wear a bathing suit in public.  And we were getting along so well, Maddie.  And for the record, I think Melissa is gorgeous and should just rock the runway.

Melissa:  What are we casting?  Oh right, swimsuits… this should be awesome for my psyche right now.  Yeah, this and the lovely harsh lights this weekend at the department store, I’m about to start staring myself.  Well, that’s after I finish this next glass of wine… and a few pieces of chocolate.

Man-gagement

Rachel:  Mama Bonnie shows up at Casa Boogs with a giant bottle of rum.  Well, a giant bottle for her and a smaller one for Whitney.  Guess you gotta work up to a gallon a day habit.  While they waste the day away shooting pool & drinking rum, Whitney tells Bonnie that she heard about a European tradition called a “man-gagement”, where the man also wears an engagement ring.  This, apparently, will help keep the bitches away.  Well, if we’re strictly talking bitches, I have to warn you that sometimes the ring makes a man more attractive.   Perhaps you’ve heard a little ditty by one Kim Zolciak entitled “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing”?  She’s not talking about the ring around his collar.  But if you wanna put a ring on it, go for it.

Whitney also tells Bonnie that she’s mad at Jason for walking out on her proposal.  Bonnie says he was just trying to not say anything that would ruin it for her and he’s just trying to protect her happiness.  Meh, he’s just being a jerk.  Oh and here’s a little nugget of information:  Bonnie & Jason were engaged after less than 6 months of dating.  Anyway, Jason better get on board right quick since Miss Whitney has recently announced, via Twitter, that there will be a Booger Jr. joining the world.  I wonder how old Baby Mayhem will be before getting his or her first dermal.

Melissa:  I love that they always hang out in the kitchen… I’m convinced they have no furniture in the house, so they just sit in the kitchen.  Oh, they prove me wrong!  DAMN!!  They have a pool table in the living room!  Awesome.  Here’s another thing.  Whitney is so much prettier when she isn’t all made up over the top.  Just my two cents, and well that’s why we have this blog so I can toss that out whenever I want.

Shrinky Dink

Rachel:  Time to revisit Kalyn’s “life coach”.  And yes, heretoforth, “life coach” will always be in quotes.  Kalyn says that she really had a great visit with her dad and feels like her life has taken a more positive trajectory since she started seeing her “life coach”.  Yeah, it’s amazing how much better your life can be when you’re not getting advice from nutters like Leslie.  She is also feeling giddy about Paul.  Her feelings are growing everyday and she likes that his happiness is growing as well because of her.  Yeah, that sounded way less conceited coming out of Kalyn’s mouth than my fingers, but you know me, I can be bothered to wordsmith it so it sounds better.

Melissa:  For real, this therapist, er, life coach’s voice is crazy.  Can’t we just call her a therapist at this point?  I mean, just from what I’m seeing, that’s pretty much a therapy, if you ask me.  Here we go with the Paul conversation.  I think Kalyn likes Paul because she thinks he’s gonna be her sugar daddy.

Rachel:  FYI, one of our fabulous readers was kind enough to let us know last week that you don’t actually need a degree or any kind of training to call yourself a “life coach”.  You just need to be able to nod your head while someone talks then charge them money for the advice you give in return.  And as I told her, I’m taking patients for all time slots starting now.

Wasn’t Me

Rachel:  Leslie shows up all smiles for a lunch date with Cindy.  And by lunch, I mean drink.  Well, I guess if you throw an olive in there, it could be lunch.  Anyway, Cindy is nervous about confronting Lesile, who clearly is clueless as to what is about to go down.

Cindy wastes no time getting right to it and asks if Leslie has been spreading rumors.  I wonder if Leslie ever gets to enjoy an entire meal?  To that end, I wonder if she ever gets to actually order a meal.  There’s usually drama before the menus even come.  Anywho, Leslie says that’s absolutely not true.  As if she was going to say, “Why yes, Cindy.  I have been telling everyone you went to rehab.  Wanna split the crab cakes?”  Cindy says she’s very selective with her friends (and by selective she means Jack, Johnny & Jim) and she was hurt to think Leslie would do that.  Leslie can’t imagine why her cousin Connie would say such a thing.  Probably because she doesn’t like you, cousin or not.  But she’s going to get to the bottom of this & prove to Cindy that she’s trustworthy.  Uh, I think you are at the bottom of it, but go on with your bad self, Sherlock.

Melissa:  Come on Cindy, of course Leslie is going to deny what she said.  That’s what she does.  Um Leslie, Connie would say it because you probably said it to her.  Awesome Leslie, get all  “who spread these rumors” Inspector Gadget on them.

Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves

Rachel:  Cha Cha has finished her first project and takes Melissa & Connie to check it out.  The ladies are proud of Cha Cha because sisters need to be doing it for themselves.  Speaking of which, Melissa will need an after-party thrown for her fashion show and hopes that Cha Cha has time for it.  Of course she does.  She’s there to support!  I swear they’re about to break out into “I’m Every Woman.”

Melissa:  Look at her… D has her first finished project.  Place looks good.  Is it a spec house or did someone pay her for that work?

Growing Up Ain’t Easy

Rachel:  Wait, Whitney just went grocery shopping in her mom’s pantry?  You know, I so want to like her.  And sometimes I think I’m almost there and then she does asinine things like this that make it really hard to like her.  Maybe it’s more that I like Booger so I want to like Whitney so I don’t feel like he’s going to get dicked over.  Yeah, that’s more reasonable.

After Whit gets a few random things from the cupboard, she tells Jason she has a pickle to pick with him.  Uh, I don’t think that’s what you’re meaning to say.  That sounds like a totally different undertaking.  She wants to know why he didn’t give Booger his blessing to ask Whitney to marry him.  Jason just doesn’t think Boogs is marriage material.  Record scratch…. What?  Wait, I thought you didn’t think they had been together long enough.  What’s this all about?  I can tell you that he’s more marriage material than any other guy that’s rolled through there.  Exhibit A:  Tyler.

Jason is concerned about Booger’s ability to support them.  Whitney says that Jason only made $400 a month when he & Bonnie got married.  Booger makes that in a week!  Record scratch, take two… What?  I hope to hell that Booger makes more than that a week if he’s living in that pad and paying for Whitney’s lifestyle (aka Mercedes).  No wonder there’s no furniture other than a pool table and a bed.  Whitney approved of Jason and Jason should approve of Booger.  But none of that matters, because Bonnie agrees with Whitney and we all know that she wears the pants – and the balls – in the family.

Melissa:  Whitney goes to her mom’s house to shop?  This is not shocking.  Her behavior is insane.  Oh, and now you’re going to go at your Dad about why he’s not supporting your engagement.  Sweet Mary, this family is crazy.  Come on Whitney, you don’t need their money?  Who the hell are you kidding?

Please Don’t

Rachel:  Are we seriously only 20 minutes into this show?  How is it possible that every week, I look up at the 20 minute mark and can’t believe I’m not about to see end credits roll.

Kalyn & Paul are taking a little stroll through a park discussing how much they enjoy spending time together after dating for a solid three weeks.  She just makes him really happy and so, with that, he was wondering if she would marry him.  Yep, he’s fully on bended knee with a diamond ring.  OK, this is insane.  She’s 19!  Let her grow up, you freak.  Seriously, I can’t decide if this is more or less creepy than her relationship with Tyler.  I’m teetering on more.  I mean I get being all swept away by puppy love at her age.  But at his age?  He really ought to be the grown up here because he’s actually the only grown up here!  I understand Kalyn & Whitney having competing engagements might make for good TV, but this is too much.  Oh, do I need to tell you that she said “yes”?   No, I don’t.

Side bar:  Did anyone just see that ad for Built?  Uh, sign me up!  Male models who remodel.  Bless you, whoever you are that came up with this little piece of genius.

Melissa:  Oh look it’s Kalyn and her creepy boyfriend.  Wait, they have been dating for 3 weeks and she’s all ga-ga over him?  Hang on, and he’s going to get down on one knee?  OK, back up the bus.  Are you kidding, Captain Creepy?  You don’t ask someone to marry you after 3 weeks, let alone asking a 19 year-old.  That’s just so completely ridiculous that I can’t even put into words.  I mean ‘ew, gross” factor aside, this is just insane.   You are 28 and dating a girl for 3 weeks who just had her prom!  I need another drink!

I’m Going Back To The Start

Rachel:  Ok, I’m going to have to have a long talk with myself for quoting Coldplay as the title of this section.  That’s not cool.

Anyway, Whitney takes Booger back to that lovely stretch of highway where she first flagged him down because she thought he was hot. Yes, freeway stalking is always the start to a good romance… or episode of Dateline.  But it worked out for the two of them which is why Whitney is getting down on one knee & asking him to wear a ring too.  I hate to admit it, but that was damn cute.  Yeah, I like them together.  See, this is why I keep trying to like Whitney.  I swear if she just got her spoiled ass shit together, she’d be a cool chick.

She tells Boogs that Jason still isn’t interested in being part of this holy union.  Boogs is cool with it.  Nothing will stop him from marrying his dream girl.  So if they have to pay for their own wedding, that’s what they’ll do because he makes $400 a week!  Let’s book the Four Seasons!

Melissa:  Aw, that’s kind of cute, Whitney getting Boogs a man-gagement ring.  HA, I do like these two.

Oh Happy Day

Rachel:  Kalyn is buzzing around the kitchen like the cat that ate the canary, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Leslie.  Well, the fact that Kalyn isn’t in bed should make you stand up and notice on its own.  So when asked why so cheery, Kalyn flashes her engagement ring.  Leslie is blown away… no, not by the fact that a grown-ass man just asked her teenage goddaughter to marry him, but by the fact that the diamond is real and it’s big.  Priorities.  And for the record, she’s not getting married because she’s knocked up.  That’s right, we get to share the fact that she’s OTR, which is “on the rag” for those who, like Tyler, can’t quite suss that out.

Leslie says that Kalyn should wait until she’s 20 before she moves out and gets married.  Kalyn isn’t trying to hear that.  But overall, Leslie is happy for Kalyn and for herself, really, because it’s good news after all the drama from the club.  Uh, this is not good news, but I’m not surprised Leslie doesn’t get it.  Let’s be honest.  She doesn’t get much.

Melissa:  Yeah Leslie, she’s bright eyed and bushy tailed because she’s got a ring.  Um, you think it’s a little fast Leslie?  Really?  You’re just pissed she got a ring before you did.

A Les-lie-tini

Rachel:  Melissa and the girls are meeting to discuss her fashion show and party… and sip on a few cocktails of course.  I don’t know what that is, but it looks delish.  But I like anything topped off with champagne.

Once the signature drink is agreed on, it’s time for Cindy to get down to business and figure out who started the rehab rumors.  Connie says she heard it from Leslie the other night at dinner.  She doesn’t have a history of lying, unlike Les-lie (good one, Connie) so they should know who’s telling the truth.  But Cindy still isn’t 100% sure she can trust these ladies.

Melissa: Here we go with another signature drink.  I think the Two Winey Bitches need a signature drink.  We’ll call it The Bitch.  Hmmm, now to get started on this.  I think for New Years there needs to be a signature cocktail to ring in 2013.  Well, that is if the Mayans screwed up and we’re not all dead and gone by then.  I digress, Cindy needs to confront the rumor mill about the rehab story.  Yeah, Connie isn’t going to take this too well.

Going Back To Jersey

Rachel:  Leslie takes Kalyn & Paul to lunch to make sure they understand that there will be no wedding until Kalyn is 20.  Way to put your foot down.  Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about where in Dallas they’ll be living.  Kalyn says Dallas is possible, and so is California or NY/NJ.  Suddenly, Leslie has issues with this situation.  Right, because if Kalyn left, it would affect you.  Forget what’s best for her.  Well, what’s best for her would to not be dating a 28-year-old.

Kalyn appreciates everything Leslie’s done for her, but there are a lot of reasons she doesn’t want to stay in Dallas and one of them is Whitney.  Oh, let it go already.  But Paul will do whatever she wants… and whatever she wants is what Leslie tells her she wants.  But in the end, Leslie is an adult which is why she starts pouting and pretending she can’t hear anything Paul’s saying.  Wow Leslie, you might be the most self-centered person in Texas… and most immature.   You need to just own the fact that Kalyn is the only friend you have left & you’re terrified of losing that.

Melissa:  I love that neither of these two jackasses thought about where they’re going to live other than Kalyn saying “where he goes I’m going to follow”.  Um Leslie, using Tyler as an argument for her to stay might not be your best move… Hey, don’t forget your “brother that you slept with is here!!”  I mean, I’m no Paul, but that might not be a ringing endorsement for me.  Is it just me, or does Paul look like he’s wearing an undershirt that accidentally got washed in with his reds?

I Have Your Proof Right Here

Rachel:  Time for Melissa’s big fashion show.  She’s decided that she’s not going to model because it would be “unprofessional” so she’s sending her daughter down the runway instead.  Yes, putting your 16-year-old in a swimsuit and sending her down the runway is far more professional.  People start filing in and we actually get a glimpse of Grace, Connie’s daughter.  Where ya been, Grace?  You’ve come back just in time to watch your mother headline the final brawl of the season.  Lucky girl.

The show’s about to start and Leslie makes her grand entrance for all the women to see.  She says she didn’t want to go but she’s there to support Melissa and to clear her name from all these rumors.  Gee, I’m wondering which is the bigger reason you’re there?  For Melissa or for yourself?  My money’s on the latter.   Seems the rest of the ladies are putting their money there too as Cindy chooses to sit with Cha Cha over Leslie.

The show goes off without a hitch… minus the fact that they’re outside and it’s raining.  I have to give Maddie credit, she worked the runway.  I even liked her outfit.  A lot of them were cute actually, though I don’t quite get the point of a cover-up that only covers one boob.  But hey, what the hell do I know.  Besides, it’s time to party… Which really is code for brawl.

But before we can tackle the rehab rumor issue, we have to figure out who’s paying for the Whit-Boog nuptials.  Bonnie says she’s paying for it and it’s going to be epic.  Whitney says no and won’t take her money.  I give that about as long as it takes her to look up the prices of wedding dresses. But for now, she’s gonna play the role of Miss Independent.  Have fun with that!

Oh and we also have to tackle Whitney being mad at Kalyn for stealing her engagement thunder from her.  Told you this was coming… not that it was set-up or anything.  No, I would never imply that.  But Whitney isn’t happy and she needs to let Kalyn know.  See, here’s the thing, Whitney.  There was no thunder to be stolen until you started stomping around about it.  Stop being such a brat.  Two people can get engaged and still have people be just as happy for each of them.  Kalyn has her big girl panties on and gives Whitney nothing so she stomps off to formulate a new way to piss off Kalyn.  0 for 2 there, Whit.  Maybe it’s time to let the fight die; especially since you’re the only one fighting it.

Cindy finally acknowledges Leslie’s presence and tells her that she didn’t sit with her at the show because she’s still not sure what’s true.  Well, good thing Leslie is there armed with the truth.  That’s right, she went and got a polygraph test to prove that she’s not lying.  You have to be kidding me.  Who gave this test?  Mr. Magoo?  Just as Cindy agrees to read the results, Connie comes over to let Cindy know that Leslie has lied about so much that she’s a disgrace to their family.  And with that, Connie loses her shit.  I’ve never seen this side of Connie.  She’s actually screaming and finger pointing.  As she continues to scream about Leslie’s “stupid ass”, she rips the polygraph out of her hands.  Leslie’s bodyguard, who is trying to just earn a paycheck, tries to get in the middle and break it up.  What he actually ends up doing is punching his own client in the jaw.  Ha, that was brilliant.  I actually just watched that in slow motion…. twice.  Even more amazing.

As Mr. Bad Shot takes Leslie out screaming, Kalyn manages to hold both Cha Cha and Connie back.  Damn girl, maybe Leslie should hire you instead.  Wait, what’s Cha Cha all fired up about?  After Leslie leaves, the ladies manage to find the crumpled polygraph test on the ground.  Whatever does it say?  Seems we may never know.  Or we just have to wait until the reunion in January.

Melissa:  I love that Melissa towers over the other Housewives.  It’s just funny as hell to watch.  Ew, there’s Paul again.  Wait, is the event outside with everyone holding their purses over their heads in the rain?

HA, love the Cindy snub of Leslie.  I have to say though, this is kinda tame for these ladies.  I was hoping they’d bring it for the finale, but I mean this is about as exciting as a mid-season episode.  Where’s the excitement?  Where’s the Big Texas finish??

So Bonnie is going to plan Whitney’s wedding?  Yeah, so much for not using her parents money.  I don’t see this lasting very long.  I’m thinking Boogs is going to wise up and let his future MIL spend her coin for the “epic wedding”.  Um Whitney, you need to let this shit go.  Please don’t let Kalyn look like the more mature one.  At least you aren’t engaged to a smarm 10 years older than you.

Leslie, you took a polygraph to prove you didn’t start the rumor?  Um, really, that’s what you’re going with?  You’re such an ass.  And Connie, you need to take it down a notch.  Sweet Mary these ladies are treating that “polygraph” like it’s the Shroud of Turin!  Let us read the paper with the truth!  Guess what… I’ll bet I can create a Marriage Certificate for myself and my boyfriend Ryan Reynolds (I’ve got mad photoshop skills).  Will that make it true?  Of course!!  Meanwhile, poor Melissa.  This was supposed to be her night and the ladies just screeched all over it.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  You know, I don’t trust a BRT cliffhanger.  Last year, we had the big Fashionista cliffhanger and you know what we got the next season?  No resolution, no Pam and no Heidi.  So, I’m calling shenanigans on this one two.  But we get two whole reunion specials to work this all out.  Joy.

Melissa:  I can’t believe we had a whole season without Heidi or Pam.

 

One Sentence Summary -  Two relationships forge ahead while one comes to an end… again.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Does anyone else feel like Leslie & Bonnie have had more break-ups than Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber?  I mean why do you two even pretend to like each other at this point?  Personally, I think you should either seek couples counseling or go your own way one and for all.  I can barely stand the drama between teenagers, let alone grown ass women.  I’m hoping that Leslie going to the police about Jason will be the nail in the friendship coffin.  I can’t imagine Bonnie will be interested in another peace treaty.  But hey, at least she (and the rest of the ladies) got a free trip to New Orleans out of Leslie before she said her final au revoir.

Melissa:  So we’re back to deal with the fallout from the police report that isn’t really a report.  Man Leslie, you’re a piece of work.  I can’t wait to hear her excuses for that one.

The Morning After

Rachel:  It’s the last day of the bachelorette party that didn’t include a bachelorette and the ladies are playing my favorite game; What The Hell Happened Last Night?  It’s up there with Where The Hell Am I And What Did I Do With My Underwear?  Clearly, I’ve never played the latter being the angel I am.  I’ve just heard about it over mimosas while I played Thank Goodness I’m So Well Behaved.  cough cough…. Anywho, the ladies can’t believe they made out with Mr. Six-Pack.  Well, the ladies minus Cindy.  She thought it was so nice, she kissed him twice.

Melissa tells us that she didn’t chase after Leslie last night because she wanted everyone to have time to calm down.  Or is that you didn’t want to ruin your buzz?  Hey, I’m not pointing fingers here.  I can’t say that I’d go chasing her down either.  Well, unless she had a muffaletta in her hand.  Wait, Leslie’s still in the house?  I would have figured she’d have fired up the invisible jet and flown home by now.  But she did not, which will give the girls the chance to let Leslie tell her side of the story before they leave.  They’re going to sit in the living room and have a talk.

Melissa goes to get Leslie and invite her into the circle of trust downstairs, but it seems Leslie did actually skip town.  See.  What did I tell you?  The ladies decide that, since she fled, she must be guilty and are thankful they didn’t ruin their buzz for nothing last night.

Melissa:  HA, the ladies run through the “Omg, did we do that?” list the morning after.  Oh, we’ve all been there, now haven’t we?  So they didn’t chase after Leslie to continue their fight but they’re going to sit-in-wait, sipping their mimosas, ready to pounce when she finally rolls out of bed?  Snap, she took off under the cover of night?  Man, that’s a serious walk of shame.

The Other Side

Rachel:  Leslie shows up at the Verona before she’s supposed to be back and finds Kalyn & Tyler poolside.  She lets them know that Bonnie has turned against her all because of a little incident report.  I love that she keeps justifying putting Jason’s name on file with the police by saying they don’t do an investigation.  Yeah, that makes it all better.  Granted, Jason acted a fool, but that was a stupid move, Leslie.  And Jason didn’t hurt you.  That’s just another fabrication to make yourself the victim… again.  So no, Bonnie’s not remorseful.  She’s not ever going to be remorseful.

But enough about that.  Let’s talk about Kalyn’s weekend with Paul.  Kalyn tells Leslie that Paul proved to her that he’s a respectable guy so she would like permission to start dating him.  Leslie isn’t feeling a 28-year-old trying to get with an 18-year-old.  We’re finally on the same page, Leslie.  But Leslie still agrees to meet him to see if he can pass her worthiness test.  And we’re off the same page because I know you’re going to fold like a cheap lawn chair.

Melissa:  Ew, it’s the creepy siblings poolside.  Do you think the apartment complex sanitizes the pool every time one of them is in it?  Um Leslie, you aren’t a victim.  HA, I love Kalyn’s spin that Paul is a respectable man who is 10 years older.  Oh, I totally want to know how much older Rip is.  Honestly Leslie, you should be proud.  Isn’t it Gold-Digger 101 to date someone at least 10 years older?  She’s just following in your esteemed footsteps.

Semi-Cardio Boxing

Rachel:  Oh, another fake workout class at the club.  This time they’re pretending to do some boxing. What they’re really doing is waiting for Leslie to show up so they can all confront her country club gangsta style.  Yep, 2 minutes of boxing and the rest of the time is Cha Cha screaming about a chili cook-off.  Look, if you can’t manage 60 minutes of real material, make the show shorter.  My brain would not complain.

Melissa:  Oh, what’s the exercise du jour today ladies?  Of course D is good at boxing, it’s like being at home.  Hang on, how many ladies actually go to these classes?  Is it really just an excuse for more airtime?  I can’t imagine what it’s like to edit this all together.

Shrinky Dink

Rachel:  Kalyn visits her therapist “life coach” to talk about things and such.  She tells the coach about Paul and how awesome he is.  She thinks maybe her seeking out an older man might have something to do with daddy issues.  Finally, someone in Kalyn’s life that might actually grasp what is going on with her!  Kalyn regrets the way she treated her dad and wishes she had followed her dad’s rules.  He wanted her to get good grades and go to college.  She wanted freedom.  So she packed her stuff up and left the house without saying good-bye.  That was three years ago and she hasn’t spoken to him since.  Ouch.  Yeah, this is a screwed-up kid.  Rules are good, kiddies.  Trust me.  They will piss you off now but you’ll be thankful later.  Look at your screen.  That is what they call a cautionary tale.  You’re welcome, parents.  Anyway, Life Coach Balbricker says it might be a good time to try and repair that relationship.

Melissa:  Holy baritone life coach!  So Kalyn dating Paul makes her realize she needs to talk to her dad?  HA, because they are the same age?  Something tells me Dad isn’t going to be thrilled about his little girl dating a 28 year old.

Take A Hint

Rachel:  Bonnie meets Whitney & Boogs at the dog park to fill them in on the incident report that Leslie filed.  Apparently, Leslie told the cops that Jason physically attacked her.   That’s just insane.  And just as a reminder, Leslie, there were cameras there recording the whole thing.  It’s kind of a stupid idea to lie to the po po.

But the conversation halts as Bonnie take notice of Whitney’s latest addition.  Nope, not the dermals – that still makes me gag, by the way.  She got a new tattoo on her ear.  I really want to write something about how stupid that is, but I must admit that my first reaction was, “That’s kinda cool!”  Bonnie’s not as impressed.

Booger distracts Whitney by having her take the dogs away and asks Bonnie if there was any more thought given to the proposal idea.  She says Jason’s a no-go but her parents didn’t give permission either.  hint hint, nudge nudge  Instead of just taking the hint, Boogs asks if that means he should go ahead and propose.  Uh, she’s not going to actually say it out loud, dude.  Hence the giant hint she just dropped.  She’s not getting in the middle.  She doesn’t need another incident report filed.

Melissa:  I love Bonnie’s “Leslie smirk”.  Well, I love all mimicking of Leslie.  Maybe that’s why I liked Pam so much.  Really Boogs, you need to lay off with the whole proposal.  How long have you been dating?  I get that in “Reality Land” everything travels at the speed of light, but I mean we only met you this season.

But She’s A Teenager

Rachel:  It’s “Meet Paul Day” and they’ve decided a water park would be the best place to do it.  You know, so Bonnie could have her bathing suit cleavage hanging out and Tyler can wear his helmet without anyone thinking it’s weird.  Honestly, if that kid dropped a sentence that was more than 4 words, I’d fall over.

And speaking of falling over, Kalyn & Paul show up with Kalyn’s arm in a sling.  Seems she tripped while jogging and she has a hairline fracture in her hand.  I wonder if that was Whitney’s fault too?  But thankfully, Paul was there to save the day.  But that alone won’t earn him a stamp of approval.

Right out of the gate, Leslie wants to know what Paul’s intentions are?  To have a meaningful relationship.  I bet that’s the first sentence in his online profile too.  Does he normally date teenagers?  He does not.  He’s not married.  He’s never been married.  He has no kids.  He makes good money.  Then Paul says that the magic words: he appreciates Leslie’s motherly instincts since Kalyn’s actual mother hasn’t really been around.  Ding ding ding, we have a winner!  And with that, Paul’s in.  Well, she makes him wakeboard first and then he’s in.

Kalyn later tells Leslie that her life coach wants her to talk to her dad.  Leslie is all for it and says that Tyler would give anything to have a last conversation with his dad.  Damn Leslie, why gotta go and make me all sentimabubble.  Next scene, please!

Melissa:  I can’t wait to hear what Tyler has to say to Paul.  Yeah dude, we consider each other brother and sister, but we totally did it while my mom was out shopping.  Yes Leslie, guys who date girls 10 years younger always have the best of intentions… Especially when it’s an 18 / 28 difference.  Geez Leslie, as soon as you hear he makes money you’re all in support of those crazy kids.  (eye roll)

Getting Lippy

Rachel:  Uh, do we have to watch Booger pierce people every week?  It’s already enough to try & stomach these women without having to see needles going into people’s skin.  But I do appreciate Booger working extra hours and annoying Whitney right before he pops the question.  Well played, sir.  Just make sure those checks go toward an awesome ring… or her Mercedes bill.

Melissa:  Ew, why must I witness a lip piercing?  Yipes!  Whitney, you have to chill with the attack on your man wanting to make money.  I think he got a glimpse at the bills you run up and is worried he needs to build a nest egg for when mom turns the payments over.

We’ve Been Here Before

Rachel:  Are we seriously only 20 minutes into this show?  How is that possible?  I’ve been watching for two days?

Anywho, it’s time for the obligatory scene of Kalyn in her bed & Leslie giving her some wise words of advice.  This one is about Kalyn calling her dad.  She’s scared that he’ll reject her, especially since she spread a lie about him & the family.  Oh Lord, what did you say, Kalyn?  At the least, you ought to apologize to him.

Leslie talks her into calling… on speakerphone, of course.  Dad answers… Kalyn says hello… Long uncomfortable pause.  But then dad comes around and sounds truly happy to hear from her.  Dad wants to know what’s up and Kalyn says she wants to apologize.  He accepts it and says he knows she was young when she made the decisions she made.  Nice, dad.  She says she wants to come out to see him and try to reconnect.  He tells her she’s welcome any time and that he loves her.  OK, someone must be cutting an onion around here because I’m suddenly tearing up.  Fine, I’m tearing up because I’m a total daddy’s girl & that fully pulled at the ol’ heartstrings.  Damn you, BRT producers!  And to top it off, Leslie offers to fly Kalyn out on Rip’s invisible plane.  OK, she has to go commercial, but at least she’s going.

Melissa:  So she lied about her dad?  What did she say?  Ugh, why am I too lazy to rewind and pay attention?  Well because I’d much rather take my time to pop into the kitchen to pour another glass of vino and pretend I know what’s going on.  Aw, I love that Papa is willing to talk to her and move past whatever she did.  You’re a good man.  Now as soon as I know what she did and said, I’ll most likely think you’re a saint.

Zzzzzz

Rachel:  Do we really have to go spice shopping for the chili cook-off with Melissa & Cha Cha? I guess so or how else will we know that no one has heard from Leslie yet?  They say they want to hear her side of the story, but we all know they just want more fodder for their exercise classes… and to stretch this show into an hour.

Melissa:  Wow, I didn’t get that scene at all… Talking about naming chili recipes and Leslie’s excuses.  Can anyone say filler?  I’m going to put it out there, if we had a little Pam and Heidi we wouldn’t need scenes like this one.

Rachel:  I second that emotion!

Stay Out Of The Kitchen

Rachel:  Cindy & Alex are at home making chili.  Alex wants to put cinnamon in hers, which is unheard of according to Cindy.  Well, unheard of if you’ve never had the chili from Cincinnati, which is pretty much what they’re famous for.  Lord knows it’s not the Bengals.  But who cares really, it’s just more of our time wasted, until Leslie shows up at the front door.  Cindy hasn’t heard from her since she stormed off from New Orleans so she invited her over to get the skinny.

Leslie is stunned to find out that Cindy has cooked chili before.  She’s even more stunned when she tastes it.  She recommends adding beef.  There’s already beef in there.  Dear Lord woman, what on earth are you making if the beef is unrecognizable?  Leslie recommends cinnamon.  I recommend throwing it out and saving those around you.

Leslie says she’s not attending the cook-off because she won’t feel safe around Jason.  She wants to lay low.  She is also upset because Cindy didn’t get her back in New Orleans.   Maybe because Cindy is the reason this whole shit storm happened in the first place.  But Cindy says she was drinking all day so she was confused about what was going on.  Nice, use booze to cover yourself.   I prefer to just cover myself in booze.  Cindy thinks Leslie should have stayed in New Orleans and defended herself.  See, if you want to defend your family, you have to stand up for yourself.  And there’s no better place to do that, than a chili cook-off at a country club!  But Leslie is semi-convinced and will think it over.

Melissa:  Hang on, is Leslie really giving cooking advice?  Oh SHUT UP Leslie, you don’t know if it’s safe to go to the cook-off?  You’re an ass.  You had a better chance of getting a beat down from Pam than Jason and you showed up to every Fashionista event anyhow.

Free Lunch

Rachel:  Whitney invites Bonnie & Jason to lunch because she has no money to buy it herself.  Oh Boogs, you’re in a world of hurt trying to take care of this one, my friend.  Whitney wants to know if Bonnie & Leslie have spoken.  Jason says when you end a friendship, you don’t have to talk about it.  It’s not a relationship where you have to ask for your keys back.  Am I the only that wonders why Jason can’t just speak a sentence normally?  He has to make each word out of his mouth a declaration.  I think Jason needs Xanax.  And his balls back.  Maybe that has something to do with it?  But he does have a point.  Even Bonnie agrees.

Whitney wants to go shopping with Bonnie because Booger isn’t around lately to go with her.  He’s working too much, said with a whine.  Bonnie & Jason recognize this to be a good thing.  Whitney does not.  So like a good mom, Bonnie tells Whitney to earn her own money to go shopping…. Oh wait, no, that didn’t happen.  No, Bonnie takes Whitney shopping and leaves Jason at the table to have lunch alone.  Yep, still a eunuch.

Melissa:  Boogs is working a lot lately because he’s trying to support your ass down the road Whitney.

Going Back To Cali

Rachel:  35 minutes in… This is excruciating.

We land in California where apparently there exists nothing but desert & cacti.  Well, and a car service to take Kalyn & Tyler to her dad’s.  Uh, squeeze me?  Tyler is her escort, why?  How is that appropriate?  I mean why not throw Paul in the car and make it a threesome?  Oh she asked him to come for support.  I suppose I’ll let this one slide… for now.  What I won’t let slide is the crazy short dress she decided would be the appropriate look to see daddy after 3 years.  That is not post-baptism approved, young lady.

Aw, dad looks super excited to see her.  They sit down on the couch to chat.  She tells him about her baptism and how that has made her want to make things right in her life.  Dad is glad to hear that because she was really out of control when she was living with him, “to say the least”.  She made them feel like dirty laundry, especially her stepmother.  Kalyn feels terrible because her stepmother was her only mother figure.  But she learned her behavior from her mother and that’s why she acted the way she did… not that it’s right.

Kalyn wants forgiveness.  Dad wants to give it to her but she needs to earn his trust back.  He wants a relationship with his daughter.  With that, we have an appropriate older man/younger girl hug.  Yeah, dad’s awesome.  Don’t screw it up again, Kalyn.

Melissa:  Why is Tyler with Kalyn?  Seriously, I mean I’m sure Dad did the google search when rumor got around you were sleeping with your brother.  No need to run your poor choices in his face.  Aw, I love Dad!!  See Kalyn, maybe if you had stayed with your dad you wouldn’t be a train wreck.

Not Approved

Rachel:  Whitney & Boogs are out for a night on the town when Bonnie & Jason show up for a little fun themselves.  Gee, I am so glad they decided to come out tonight of all nights, which is a totally random happening, of course.  Jason isn’t thrilled to see Booger and his “checkered hat”.  Jason, I’m going out on a limb here by saying that you might not be the best person to be throwing shade about someone else’s style.  Bonnie just wants everyone to get along.  But for now… the band.  They seem kinda cool.  Why don’t we get to know who they are?

And now for the encore…. Boogs jumps on stage and grabs the mic.  Let’s get this proposal started.  He pulls Whitney on stage, tells her two people were never more right for each other and does the whole bended knee proposal.  She accepts and the crowd goes wild.  Well, everyone minus Jason who bails.  Why so bitter, Jason?  I mean I think it’s an insanely short period of time to know someone, but I have to say I dig them as a couple.  They kinda make sense to me.  And nothing on this show makes sense to me.  So, let them have at it.  You just saved yourself a few grand a month.  Everyone drink!

Bonnie tells us that she had no idea Boogs was proposing tonight and suddenly her nose grows 6 inches.  Someone call Dr. A!  Pinocchio needs to see him right away!  But first she has to find Jason and calm him down.  Bonnie doesn’t understand what he’s being so crazy about.  They’re happy so don’t try and stop it.   He’s not trying to stop anything.  But he’s also not going in there and saying congratulations.  This isn’t what he envisioned for his daughter.  Yeah, well neither was a tattoo her foot that says c**t, but that happened too.  No dice, Jason’s out, but not before calling his wife “dude” a few times.  I’m sure that’s not what Bonnie’s mom envisioned for her baby.  So, shattered dreams everywhere.  Do I need to say it again?  Everyone drink!

Melissa:  Um Jason, maybe you should consider a checkered hat with the bill sticking up to cover that mop of yours.  Just sayin’.  At least Boogs has… Well, at least he’s not rocking the Gutter PCU look.  Cut the boy some slack.  Aw so cute, now let’s see the ring.  Sorry Jason, what exactly DID you envision for your daughter?  Someone who loves her?

Creepster

Rachel:  Kalyn is back in Texas and so is Paul.  For someone that lives in Chicago, he is in Dallas an awful lot.  They’re having lunch to talk about her visit with her dad and experience their first official unsupervised date.  Yeah, this situation is really not sitting well with me.  The kissing, the hand holding, it’s all wrong.  But without him, she wouldn’t have been able to call her dad.  Hmm… I thought that it was your Life Coach and Leslie that made that all happen.  Even Tyler gets more credit than Humbert over here.

Melissa:  Does anyone else think that, the more we see him, the creepier Paul becomes?

Chili

Rachel:  Time for the Chili Cook-off.  Who thought it was a good idea to fill these people with beans and cheese and then put them on a mechanical bull?  Oh right, Cha Cha.  Let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to be in a 10 mile radius of that place.  I feel badly for these “celebrity” judges.

And here it is… Lesile and her bodyguard roll in.  Melissa thinks that her bodyguard is Rip.  Ha!  Now that’s funny on so many levels.  When Leslie tells her that it’s her security detail, Melissa is confused.  Leslie says Rip insisted that she come with security because that is number one for him.  Bitch, please.  That’s a crazier story than these women saying they know anything about cooking.

Time to announce the winners…. Wait, is Cha Cha wearing  a sombrero fascinator on her head?  OMG, she is.  Where does one even find that?  I’m so in awe of it that I didn’t even notice whether or not she bothered with a bra for a change.  Alex wins second place for her chili with the “mystery ingredient”.  Dude, if cinnamon in chili is a mystery to you, turn in your chef’s jacket now.  But I’ll cut you some slack since you clearly are being told what to say… Sorry no amount of commentary below is going to convince me that that was a legit cook-off.  And the winner is… Cha Cha!  Yes, the chair of the party won her own contest and handled it with such class.  And by class, I mean she screamed, “Yeah, bitches!” and ran on stage, where she yelled it again into the mic.  You know, in case they didn’t hear you back in New Orleans.

Meanwhile, Melissa is letting Bonnie know that Leslie brought a bodyguard for her family’s safety.  You know Melissa, maybe you should just worry about stirring your pot of chili and leave everyone else alone.  Then again, I would have pushed Cha Cha off the stage to get on the mic and announce that insanity to the whole party.  This news sends Bonnie racing across the lawn to confront Leslie.  Ha, this should be good.  She wants Leslie to explain herself.  Leslie does by saying that she didn’t know if Jason would be at the cook-off.  I mean he did attack her and cause her to have a bruise on her arm.  This woman is delusional. Straight-up, delusional.  I have a feeling this beast of a man standing behind Leslie is going to be standing in front of her in the near future while he protects Rip from her crazy.

Bonnie isn’t having it and tells her to get the bleep out.  And there are a bunch more bleeps after that.  I only bring this up because we just heard Mr. Scoma scolding Cindy for using foul language.  Uh, do you not hear this going on?   Not to mention every other party at the club where he was apparently not wearing his hearing aid.  Anywho, Leslie isn’t leaving because she will not be ‘terrorized’ by Bonnie and her family anymore.  Terrorized?  Hyperbole, anyone?

Bonnie’s had enough of bothering with Leslie.  At least she has Melissa, Connie & Cha Cha on her team.  Of course, there’s still the little matter of Cindy.  Bonnie wants all the friends and starts to warn Cindy about Leslie’s insanity, but is escorted out by Whitney who doesn’t want any more drama.  Wait, did I just say Whitney stopped the drama?  Wow, will wonders never cease.

So, as Season 3 nears its end, we find Leslie, once again, on the verge of no friends.  Looks like she’ll seal that deal next week… or at least Bonnie will.

Melissa:  Man I loves me a chili cook-off!  Truth be told I love all sorts of cook-offs… Ribs, chili, cupcakes, BBQ.  Oh there’s Leslie with her entourage.  Btw, you’re a moron Leslie.  HA, love that Melissa thought the security guy was Rip!  Do you think Mr. Security questions who he pissed off at the office to land this detail?  I think he was late for the staff meeting and he got stuck with Leslie.  Hang on, who is Bonnie that she can kick Leslie out of the club?  I mean, I love it and I kind of love Bonnie when she gets all wound up and goes all Mama bear, but does she have that kind of pull there?

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Uh, just when you think you’ve seen it all, we get the previews for next week and Humbert down on bended knee.  SMH

Melissa:  Wait, season finale next week?? What the hell?  I will say that was a yummy teaser!  Paul is proposing to Kalyn too?  He just ratcheted up the creepy factor tenfold.  I’ll be honest though, friends, I’m really hoping in the midst of some arm-flailing next week we hear Pam’s voice saying “I’m back bitches”.  Is that too much to ask?

One Sentence Summary - The ladies make The Big Easy seem difficult.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  So I guess all the tryptophan from the Thanksgiving turkey made these ladies too tired to show up and entertain us last Sunday.  What’s up with that?  I know they weren’t afraid to get into a ratings battle with the riveting “Liz & Dick” over on Lifetime.  These bitches could take on LiLo any day of the week.  At the very least, Cindy could drink her under the table in a contest.  Regardless, they shouldn’t just not show up on my DVR leaving me to wonder what I’m going to do with this bonus hour of my life.  Thankfully I had wine to fill the void.

Before we get to this week’s shenanigans in the Big Easy, I would like to address something.  I have gotten quite a few comments from people letting me know that Leslie’s boyfriend, Rip, is actually a real person.  Thank you.  And I know you are probably right, but it’s far more fun for me to call him make-believe because I’m not sure anything that comes out of Leslie’s mouth is actually true or based in reality.  So, does she date a man named Rip who has lots of money?  Probably maybe.  Will that prevent me from calling her bat shit crazy and calling out this sham?  Definitely not.  So, if you would still like to join me on this tilt-a-whirl of crazy, I am most happy to have you.

Melissa:  I gotta be honest here, my friends.  I’m tired as hell from pretending I could hang at a bar with kids (Literally, most of them were young enough they could have been mine) half my age last night.  So the Texas Twits need to know I have minimal patience for stupidity tonight.  Not to mention that I think this week is Leslie’s pretend bachelorette for her pretend engagement, if I’m not mistaken.  I didn’t know we could just make shit up and get parties for it.  That’s it, I’m going to pretend I’m preggers to get me some parties and such.  I figure I’ll drink when no one is around so I can work the facade.  Because, let’s be honest, I have a better shot at being knocked up than Leslie has of being engaged to Rip.

Drama Download

Rachel:  Bonnie & Cha Cha do a little shopping for the New Olreans trip at Connie’s store.  The girls are so excited to eat and drink and make merry when they’re there.  Yes, because nothing says merriment like you fools in a room together after one too many cocktails.  But, good luck with that.

Anyway, no one really wants to waste time talking about shrimp and grits (ack… how do people eat grits?).  No, they want to get down to the important things in the world like the UN recognizing Palestine as a state and Leslie’s engagement party.  Or just Leslie’s engagement party.  Connie wants to know what she missed.  So, this is Connie’s role this season?  Store operator that asks about previous events so that they can gossip?  Probably a good call, Connie.  Bonnie gives her the rundown on all the fun that was the party and Jason’s testosterone explosion.  She says that she’s since had a meeting with Leslie and they decided Bonnie could still go on the trip.  Well, because unlike the RHONY where you actually can be disinvited, this show has a “come one, come all” policy.  Connie is more interested in figuring out what Cindy was doing in the first place to set the whole room off.  Exactly what you think she was doing, Connie.  Roar, cougar roar.

Melissa:  OK, I have to side with D here on the shrimp and grits… mmmmm… My fave!!  HA, I seriously love the debrief scenes they work into these shows.  Really, like Connie didn’t already get 5 separate phone calls dishing the dirt on the “Engagement Party”.

New Fangled Computers

Rachel:  Hey look, Kalyn is in bed with a boy!   OK, so the boy is on Skype on her computer, but it’s more fun to reinforce the slut storyline.  She’s talking to her friend, Paul, who lives in New Jersey.  Paul is coming to town for a while, just in time for her birthday, which she was going to have to spend alone because Leslie & Maddie will both be out of town.  Thankfully, Paul will be showing up just in time to save her from her loneliness.  But the plans will have to wait as Leslie pops in and wonders who Kalyn is talking to.  She says she’s not talking to anyone even though she just uttered the words, “I have to go.  I’ll call you back.”  Look, we all know Leslie’s as dumb as a stump, but she’s not that dumb.  You might be able to sell her a story about stress UTIs, but she’s not buying into you not having just been speaking to someone on “that thing where you can see the picture.”

Kalyn admits she was talking to Paul and Leslie is not happy since all men have to go through her.  Say what?  Didn’t the baptism scare the slut from her soul?  Shouldn’t she know better now?  But since Paul is a geeky computer nerd (who, btw, is  28), it’s ok with Leslie that Kalyn is talking to him.  Wait, so him being a decade older than Kalyn is ok because he works on computers?  It’s not 1984 where guys that work on computers look & act like the cast of Revenge of the Nerds.  This woman is 50 shades of crazy… and she plans on getting crazier in New Orleans with her ladies, none of whom are Kalyn.  Sorry, but you’re staying home, kid.  But think of it this way; you can talk on the computer to whomever you like without fear of being questioned like a murder suspect.

Melissa:  So this Paul guy… Who the hell is he?  Wait, did Leslie just call Skype “the thing where you can see the picture”?  No really, stop.  That’s just too funny.  Oy, the idea of the ladies getting stupid in Naw’lins is going to make me start flashing back to last night.  Again, we’re having a bachelorette trip for the non-bachelorette?

Do I Do?

Rachel:  Bonnie & Jason stop off at Chez Boogs to drop off their dog while Bonnie’s in N.O. & Jason takes Zakk to football camp.  While they’re there, Boogs asks them for permission to marry their daughter.  He didn’t expect to be met with laughter, but yet, he was.  I don’t know, I kinda think Boogs is the man to keep Whitney in the style in which she’s become accustomed… and that is the style of crazy.  I mean who else is going to put up with that?  But the parentals aren’t jumping for joy.  They need him to understand that if he puts a ring on her finger, he gets everything that comes with it, including the Mercedes payment.  He knows.  And the no-job-having.  Got it.  And the potential to never make money.  Check.  He’s down for it all.  Jason thinks maybe living together a while longer might be smarter.  Bonnie wavers a bit, but isn’t totally convinced.  Boogs says he’ll wait til they’re ready to accept it.  This dude is either the most unflappable guy on the planet or the dumbest.  Jury’s still out.  I just hope they register for an area rug when they do get engaged because that apartment needs some serious help with the acoustics.

Melissa:  Is there no furniture in this apartment?  I mean the echo is crazy.  And Boogs wants to ask Whitney to get married??  Um, how long have they been dating?  I actually agree with Jason here that they can just live together for a little longer.  Slow your roll.

New Orleans

Rachel:  Welcome to New Orleans!  I’m so mad they’re making it there before I am.  Seems unfair.  Oh wait, seems this party is one down and that one is the bachelorette.  She is suffering from a migraine so she’ll be there tomorrow.  Really?  Did Rip need to take the invisible jet to his next meeting and she can’t be bothered to fly commercial?  Or is she going to flake out and stick them with the bill?  Doesn’t matter why.  None of the reasons are going to stop the girls from getting their party on in her absence.

Sidebar:  I would just like to commend Melissa for being able to open a bottle of champagne without spilling half of it.  I don’t know why people think it’s cool to waste half a bottle of champagne when they open it.  Wasteful and disrespectful to the legacy of champagne if you ask me.

But before I can even finish my thought, they’ve already moved on to the drive-through daiquiri store.  Wait, you can buy a daiquiri without even getting out of your car?  Oh, I’m on the next flight out.  Oh yes, order a large pink lemonade for me.  I’ll be there soon.

The drinking continues on at Pat O’Brien’s for some hurricanes and drunk white boy dancing.  He thinks his booty shake is worthy of their beads and they oblige.  Girls, you’re going to have to be a little higher with the standards if you’re going to be giving away beads.  If you give every floppy-haired frat boy beads, you’re not going to have any left.  Gee, I wonder how you earn more…

They arrive at the house where they’ll be staying and it’s awesome.  As Cindy goes on a hunt for more alcohol, the girls decide scaring the shit out of her would be more fun.  Cindy is not amused. Nothing is worth her spilling her drink over.  Oh please, if it was a 24-year-old boy jumping out of the shower causing you to spill your drink, you’d be all kinds of ok with it.

Melissa:  HA, Leslie starts with her first excuse for not being on the trip for her own engagement party.  Oh, I’m loving this montage of New Orleans.  Ah the memories!!  I ate the hell out of that town!  DAMN, that’s an awesome house.  HA!!  That was awesome.  Too bad Cindy is just pissed because she spilled her drink.

Birthday Go Karts

Rachel:  Paul is in town and he is taking Kalyn go-karting for her birthday.  Now, this is a fun birthday.  Kalyn has a blast and thinks Paul really knows how to treat a lady.  Yeah, well that would be awesome if she were a lady.  And I’m not calling her out on her slutitude.  I am saying she’s 18 years old.  She’s a kid.  Sorry.  I know I thought I was all kinds of the shit when I was 18 too, but guess what.  I wasn’t.  I was an idiot.  Therefore, dating an 18-year-old, when you’re 28, is gross.  And my dating a 32-year-old when I was 19 was gross too.  But he owned a bar so I was really taking one for the team… you know, so my friends could get into a bar underage.  Ah, the things we do for booze…. er, I mean friends.  Anyway, Paul needs to keep it in his pants is what I’m saying here.

Melissa:  This is actually a cute date for Kalyn.  Wait, how old is this guy again?  I’m tired.  I can’t do the math.  This might not be a cute date for Kalyn.  I can’t tell.

Keep  Your Dildo To Yourself

Rachel:  Oh boy, it’s a “Passion Party” for the girls.  Time to learn about lady toys.  Bonnie isn’t happy about this wrinkle in her plans.  She wants to go to Bourbon St., not learn about sex paraphernalia.  As the  hostess gives each girl a naughty nickname, Bonnie pouts and refuses to play ball.  Aw, suck it up, Bonnie.  This is what bachelorette parties are about… even if there is no bachelorette… or fiance.  Honestly Bonnie, I know it’s not your thing, but if you tried one of these toys, you might actually loosen up enough to have a good time.  And Jason might get his balls back.   Just trying to help here.

But when Cha Cha decides to “tickle Bonnie’s fancy” with one of the toys, Bonnie snaps and decides to  head into town.  Melissa joins her for a Haunted New Orleans Tour.  This will help her do research for her next Fiona Frost book.  Um, who does ghost tours during the day?  How is that scary?  Well, it’s scary for the tour guide who is being regaled with tales of Bonnie being assaulted with a dildo.  Good Lord Bonnie, let it go.  You know, I love me a ghost tour but I’d rather be off with the other ladies shopping for voodoo dolls if this is the level of fun Bonnie will be bringing the entire trip.  And for me to rather want to be with Cha Cha for any reason says a lot.  That’s how much of a buzz kill you are being, Bonnie.

Anyway, after their day out & about, the women reunite for dinner.  Jason calls Bonnie before they can order which is annoying to Cha Cha because she’s hungry.  So order a glass of wine and a basket of bread or an appetizer.  She’ll be right back. These women are not good at finding solutions to their problems outside of bitching about them. But Bonnie quickly tells Jason it’s his fault Leslie’s not there and comes back quickly thanks to TV show editing.  However, she is unamused that Cha Cha didn’t want to be rude and order without her.  So much so that she asks if it’s as rude as putting a dildo in someone’s face.  Uh, she said she didn’t want to be rude to you and you still found it necessary to call her out?  Oh, you are so ridiculous.  Seriously, get over yourself.  But I will give credit where it’s due-ish, Bonnie does actually apologize for being a baby… after Cha Cha apologizes to her first.  OK, can we drink now?

Melissa:  Um, what’s with the toy party?  AH, D arranged the goodie drawer celebration.  I’m shocked Bonnie wants nothing to do with this party.  More shocked at D’s love of all the goodies – well, maybe not really.  But not D’s obsessive need for Bonnie to share in the toy party.  I guess she just wants her to relax.  Yeah, hitting her with a vibrator isn’t the best plan for that.

I have to say that I’d much rather be with Bonnie and Melissa touring town instead of voodoo doll shopping with the other ladies.  I will say I’m jealous as hell about the gastronomic delights the ladies are about experience.  Oh shut up D with your need to order.  I hope your voice is completely gone soon.

Bachelorette of Honor

Rachel:  Daylight comes again and Leslie finally shows up for Day 3 of the party.  How long is this “weekend” away?  Do they get an extra weekend day in Texas?  If so, I might consider moving back.

The ladies lunch and toast to having a great time with Leslie now that she’s there. But no event can be complete without an announcement of some kind from Leslie.  Oh, she’s just taking them on a tour of New Orleans.  I really thought she was going to drop a wedding on them.  You know one that would get canceled  just moments before Leslie is to walk down the aisle because Rip had to go negotiate the release of a hostage somewhere in the Middle East.  But no, it’s just a tour for the ladies…. Oh sorry, a tour like they’ve never been on in their lives.  I’m surprised Leslie doesn’t keep confetti in her purse to throw in the air every time she makes a grand announcement.  Kalyn, you’re having a “Slut No More Baptism”!  Poof!  Confetti!!!!

I’m Just Being Helpful

Rachel:  Whitney & Nikki are hanging poolside for a little girl talk.  They spy Kalyn and Paul doing a little “Can I help you with your sunscreen?” routine and immediately begin the cattiness…  She’s too embarrassed to be in a bikini.  That must be her man of the week.  He needs to be warned about her.  Very mature, ladies.  But that’s not enough for Whitney.  Oh no, it’s never enough to just let something go.  I wonder where she gets that?  Hmm….  As she saunters over to mess with Kalyn, she hopes out loud that she can make her cry.  Aw lawd… Give it up already.  But she doesn’t.  She rolls up and tells Paul all the wondrousness that is Kalyn – firings, baptisms, incest, etc.  He goes full Booger and barely bats an eye.  He tells her that he knows all about Kalyn and thinks Whitney’s immature.  Whitney, defeated at her attempt to create drama, leaves with her tail between her legs.  Ha.  Well played, sir.  I almost forgot for a moment that you were trying to seduce a teenager.

Melissa:  I have to question Whitney wanting to stir the pot with Kalyn again.  I mean come on already.

Swamp Thang

Rachel:  So, the tour that Leslie schedules is a swamp tour.  The girls cruise through the swamp screaming at the sight of every alligator.  Oh, this is going to be a long trip.  Bonnie mentions Boogs wanting to marry Whitney so she can get some advice.  She gets none because there are alligators in need of marshmallow feeding.  Really?  You’re giving an alligator marshmallows?  That seems really wrong.

Melissa:  HA, I love that Cindy hates this trip.  You’re in New Orleans woman, what are you expecting?

Lolita

Rachel:  After their day out, Paul lets Kalyn know that he has feelings for her that are more than just friendship.  He’d like them to take things to the next level.  She says she is putting her life back together and wants to get Leslie’s permission first.  But she likes Paul because he makes her feel safe.  Interesting. “Safe” is not where I would have gone with that.  But Kalyn gets points for not dropping trou right there in the middle of the parking lot and mounting him like Everest.  Maybe it is a new chapter for our fair Kalyn.  Let’s just hope Leslie is starting a new chapter as well; one where she actually gives good advice.

Melissa:  Ew, Paul is a little smarmy wanting to move things along.  I guess since he makes her feel safe it’s OK.  Um, no… It’s not.  It’s strange.

Booze!

Rachel:  Mimosa time!  My favorite time of the day!  Leslie tells the girls that she would like to take the girls to the botanical gardens.  Cindy says that unless the flowers are made out of booze, she’ll see Leslie later.  So she and Bonnie head to Bourbon St while Cha Cha & Connie take their turn as the sacrificial lambs and go with Leslie.  I mean it is her party.  And I love that Cindy & Bonnie are suddenly BFFs now that booze is involved.  Granted, I’ve had friendships based on less.

Melissa, Cindy & Bonnie hit Bourbon St and stop in for a tarot card reading.  I’m personally a big fan of the cards.  Let’s see what this guy has for us, other than really effed up eyebrows…  He says  Melissa worries too much about money, but she shouldn’t.  She’ll be fine.   Cindy will not be single for much longer.  Get out of here!  I think this guy is drunk.  Bonnie always lands on her feet.  He also says Whitney & Boogs are meant to be together but it might not work out in the long run.  Well yeah, because there’s only so much of Whitney any one person can take.  Bonnie also wants to know if Leslie is a true friend.  He says pretty much no.  Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.  HA!  I knew it!  Rip is imaginary after all!

Meanwhile, over in the gardens with said crazy liar, Connie & Cha Cha are trying to get Leslie to take obscene pictures with a statue.  She can’t quite commit to it, but that’s why Cha Cha’s here.  Yep, there she goes riding the poor statue like a cowboy.  I was just about to go on a tear about people acting a fool around important art pieces until flashes of our trip to Paris started swirling in my head.  And we’re moving on…

Melissa:  I can’t hate on mimosa time.  Well, maybe if Leslie is trying to plan the botanical garden trip whilst I’m trying to enjoy mine, I can hate on it a little.  Oh, love the readings for the ladies.  I like to talk a good game with all this hocus-pocus stuff, but it actually scares the bejesus out of me.  Hey now, believe nothing you hear and half you see when asked of Leslie?  OK, even if he’s a complete charlatan, that’s pretty spot on in my book.

Pierce This

Rachel:  Whitney stops by to see her man at his piercing palace and demand two more “dermals” from him.  I have no idea what a dermal is but just the word is making me woozy.  Boogs is worried that this is going to make her parents dislike him more.  Well, he worries as he pierces her.  Whitney says it doesn’t matter what her parents think.  He thinks it does matter.  But it kinda doesn’t matter at all apparently since she is walking out the door with her two new dermals.  It’s kind of hard to make an argument against the more piercings while you’re actually piercing her.  I mean I wasn’t on my high school debate team or anything, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t the best tactic for winning an argument.  But hey, love conquers all, right?  Wrong.

Melissa:  More piercings Whitney?  Is that what the producers are suggesting now?  Yeah, go visit Boogs and get something pierced so you guys can talk about your parents.

Letting It All Hang Out

Rachel:  Time for drinks and bead tossing.  I’m just happy the girls are giving away the beads instead of … oh never mind. There goes Melissa with her shirt above her head.  Ah yes, just what that young chap was hoping to catch a glimpse of on his afternoon stroll… Lord.  Can we go back to the dermals?  That was actually less offensive.  Wait, I actually think Melissa just lifted the collar on her shirt.  Whew… Feeling better now.

The sun has now set and the ladies are officially three sheets to the wind.  This is trouble for any guy walking past them.  Cindy gets one to take his shirt off – and I’m not mad at her for it as long as they keep it neck down. She thinks the bachelorette should give this birthday boy a kiss.  Leslie concedes a kiss on the cheek but nothing more.  You never know if Rip is flying overhead with his telescopic goggles on.  But Connie isn’t about to let someone not get a proper birthday kiss.  She takes Mr. Sixpack by the head and lays one directly on his lips.  Well, Connie, I had no idea.  I’m weirdly in awe of you right now.  This gives Cindy the OK to follow suit, which then leads to Melissa getting some seriously sloppy thirds.  Wow, dude just got mauled by three cougars and lived to tell.  I must say, I’m impressed with their ability to have a good time…  for the moment…

Yes, that’s right.  As the girls head out for a little alcohol absorbing grub, Bonnie gets a text from Jason letting her know that Leslie filed a police report about the incident with Tyler.  You have to be kidding me.  She filed a police report over a non-incident and then thought she could sit at a table with Bonnie like all was peachy?  Did someone drop her on her head as a child?  Or last week?  And as the conversation at the table turns to what actually did happen that night, Cindy says that all Jason was doing was defending her against something upsetting that Tyler said to her.  Uh, ‘scuse me?  I hate to be a stickler for facts, but you kinda skipped right over that part where you unhinged your jaw and tried to swallow Tyler whole.

Seems Leslie finds the story a bit loose with the facts as well and shakes her head about it.  Bonnie uses this opening to call Leslie a lying f**king bitch and announces to everyone that she knows she filed a police report.  Leslie tries to deny it, but Jason has already forwarded it to Bonnie’s phone.  Again Leslie, not 1984.  We can actually share information at the speed of light now.  Cha Cha wants to know why Leslie would do that in the first place.  Yeah, why Leslie, why?  She says it’s because she just wanted to protect her family and besides an incident report isn’t the same as a police report.  Yeah, ok.  That makes it all better.  But she doesn’t want to discuss it in public.  She will discuss it with Bonnie in private.  None such.  Bonnie has had it and Leslie leaves her own bachelorette party.  Now, I am not saying that Leslie should have filed the police repot.  But I am saying that Cindy should be the one taking the brunt of this since she was the root cause in the first place.  Yeah, I know Tyler called Whitney a bitch – well, according to Whitney – but he didn’t do anything to Cindy.  She feels guilty but doesn’t actually step up and say anything.  And with that, Leslie’s party is over.

Melissa: Finally the ladies all catch back up so we can drink again.  I mean they can drink again.  Wait, was that Melissa lifting up her shirt?  OMG, it’s Cougars Gone Wild on this balcony!  Oh snap, Leslie filed a police report against Jason?  That ain’t cool woman.  Ah, an “incident” report, that’s better… Not.  How insane is she?  Seriously, not a rhetorical question.  I would love to know how cray cray everyone actually thinks she is.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  These fights would be so much more tolerable with Heidi and her champers.  I’m just saying.

Melissa:  Ugh, I can’t believe New Orleans was wasted on that crew.  The Winey Bitches would have rocked that town!  Yes, I’m also still pining for Heidi and Pam.  Maybe there’a an awesome plot to give them their own show.