Tag Archives: Chris Bukowski

***Pics posted later***

One Sentence Summary:  It’s time to crown the victors and dole out the dough to the best player of them all.

Our Thoughts: 

Rachel:  Well, here we are kiddies.  The moment we’ve all waited for… the finale.  Nay, not just the finale.  The most disturbing finale of all time!  I really hate that I’m excited to find out what that means, because it’s never what we think it is.  It’s usually something far less exciting and not remotely on the same page as most shocking.  But disturbing… Oh, disturbing is a new adjective.  Whatever could that mean?  I guess there’s only one way to find out.  But first, let me say that I do have one prediction that I’m going to lay out for you all here so you can make fun of me later when I’m totally wrong… I am going to bet that Rachel doesn’t call Michael a bad name (I say that because I don’t remember what name she actually used and not because I’m trying to protect your delicate ears… or eyes).  I think it’s in reference to someone else.  Furthermore (like my opening statement terminology?), I think that when Michael says that he didn’t come on Bach Pad 3 to find a wife, he follows it up with something like, “but I did.”  Boom!  Take those predictions to Vegas and bet it all!  OK, don’t.  Maybe just pour yourself a drink and watch the shenanigans go down with the rest of us.

Melissa:  OK, so I’ll admit, I can’t wait for the most shocking, most disturbing finale ever!!  We’ve seen from the previews that Michael turns into an ass and makes Rachel cry.  Tony drops to one knee.  But the gasps are saved for something even bigger.  Could it be that Chris comes in with a collagen lip implant?  Wait, he stops being so douchetastic that people like him?  No, what about Emily comes back and slaps him in the face for I don’t know… Something?  OK, odds are no on the above so I’ve (generously) poured myself a cabernet sauvignon and I’m ready to be shocked and disturbed.  Bring it BP Bitches!!

After All The Roses

Rachel’s What Happened:  OK, I just watched the intro preview again.  Scratch everything I said above.  I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight.   So, I’m just gonna keep my pie hole shut with the predictions and follow the bouncing ball like everyone else.

So we get the intro and there are a lot of boobs up on that stage.  And what on earth is Jamie wearing on her head?  This is the Bachelor Pad reunion and not a casting call for La Vie En Rose.  I didn’t think she could get more bizarre.  I was wrong.

Cue montage of tears, drama & booze… Oh, and kissing.  Erica says she knows the whole game is about lying and manipulating.  She says she’s not good at it though… Say what?  Speaking of lying, Kalon, “the master liar”, and Lindzi are still going strong.  Lindzi says he was overlooked on Emily’s season.  Uh, someone grab a dictionary for the girl.  Clearly, she doesn’t know what “overlooked” means.  I’m pretty sure that’s not what happened.  But before she blinds us any further with those overly white teeth smiling away, Erica lets her know that Kalon has been out around town with other women so she should be careful.  He doesn’t deny there being other women but says the women are just friends.  Ah yes, #3 on the Top Ten List of BS Things A Man Will Tell You To Prove He’s Not Cheating.

Melissa:  What annoys the hell out of me is the entire season recap with the whole “people who were voted off” intros.  I love the nothing noise for the twins when they are introduced.  But hang on, wtf is up with Jamie channeling her inner Disco Pocahontas?  Girl, who the hell let you walk into the studio looking like a refugee from Solid Gold??  I could really do without the montages.  I get they’re going for something like the “journey” everyone has had in the pad.  Um Blakeley, what’s an emotional banana sandwich?  I mean I like the phrase and I might use it at some point in the future, but I need to figure out what it is.

Michael

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for Michael, who has quite the “king of the castle” thing going on, to talk to us about his time on the show.  But first… another montage.  Oh… my… I don’t think we saw that scene before.  The one where Michael tells Erica that he can’t picture dating Rachel outside of the house.  Dick!  Are you being a jerk to women now to prove you’re not soft after Holly embarrassed you on national TV? If you are, here’s a piece of advice:  Don’t.  That’s all.  Just don’t.  It doesn’t work on you.

Michael says that Erica Rose taking him down is not something that he holds against her.  She was right to do it, though her comments about Holly being smart to leave him were harsh.  And while I thought that too, I’m thinking I’m about to have a change of heart.  Seems Erica was under the impression that they were going to get each others backs being the only alumni on the show and missed the memo that that was no longer the case.

Back to the relationship thing… No Michael did not come to the Pad wookin pa nub.  He was looking for a good time.  Last time on the show, not a good time.  He thought the thing with Rachel was like a summer camp relationship & that she was on the same page.  No you didn’t.  You absolutely knew she wasn’t on the same page.  But hey, she’s cool with it.  Or she’s not at all cool with it as Jaclyn lets it be known, but nice try, Michael.  Wow, now you look like a weasel and ARE a weasel.  Well done.

Oh, and clearly my huge prediction was wrong.  Don’t mind me.  I’ll just be over here eating crow.

Melissa:  OK, I’m just gonna ask because it’s been bothering me, but how short is Michael?  Oh my damn.  He just said to Erica he wasn’t interested in Rachel.  Wait, how did we miss that the first time around??  Grrrr, I don’t know what short stack thinks he has that gives him such a pompous attitude.  I don’t want to call him a douche because we’ve had such stellar examples in the past, and I get it’s BP, but still there’s a HELL of a Napoleon complex going on there.

Jaclyn

Rachel’s What Happened:  Jaclyn relives her journey and wishes she had done so many things differently.  One of which would be to have gotten rid of Rachel long before Rachel got rid of her.  She feels betrayed within the game and in life.  This was her best friend and Rachel eliminating her is unforgivable.  Of course, in the next breath, she says she forgave Rachel but she’ll never forget.  So, it actually is forgivable.  What it’s not is forgettable.  Just keeping everyone honest.

Jaclyn doesn’t know how her vote is going to go.  As if the producers would let her tell us 30 minutes into the show.  All we know is that she thought she was set.  Chris lets her know that the minute you think you’ve got it, you’re gone.  She thinks she controlled the game, not Michael, and there was no way in hell she’d get eliminated.  And that’s why you got eliminated.  Bitter much?

Wait, no Ed?  No conversation about that mess?  What up with that?

Melissa:  Aw look at her and the recap of her falling for Ed who wanted nothing from her other than a place to put his junk while he was at the pad.  Sorry if that was crude to some, but I’m going to call it like I see it.  Oy woman, it’s Bachelor Pad… There are no loyalties in the Pad.

Blakeley

Rachel’s What Happened: Ah, Blakeley, the girl I couldn’t stand at the beginning that I found myself rooting for at the end.  Mostly because I hate Chris and that whole my enemy’s enemy is my friend thing.  Plus, I kinda think she & Tony are adorable together.

Chris wants to know why Blakeley & Jamie don’t get along when the issue should be with No Lip Magee.  Yes, that is what we are calling Chris from here on out, NLM.  Blakeley says she has no issue or beef with Jamie, but they’re just not friends.  Jamie goes to respond and insult Blakeley but manages to insult Ryan in the process… You know the sweet virgin that keeps getting blindsided for no reason.  I feel bad for him.  But before he can defend himself, Jaclyn tells Jamie that she’s fake.  Listen, Jamie’s not fake… She’s a banana.

OK, back to Blakeley who tells us through tears that she feels like she can really trust Tony.  She can be Blakeley with him and she doesn’t know what she did to deserve him.  Wow, I would not have picked them as the couple to make it…  but I kinda like that they are the one that did.

Tony chimes in and says that he fought her putting him in the friend zone a good three time before she finally gave him a shot.  Now for an announcement from them… They’re in love and they’re…. moving in together!  How almost romantic! I can’t begin to imagine Blakeley living in Portland.  I wonder if they make flannel halter tops.  Oh wait, they’re not done… Sorry.  Tony gets on one knee and proposes with a Neil Lane ring, natch.  She says yes.  Aw, ain’t love grand?  Hey, and if doesn’t work out, she can hawk the ring for cable.

Melissa:  Yeah, what ever happened to that donkey punch?  I held on episode after episode for that punch.  Girl, you never came through on the violence for me.  I do love how she and Tony smile when they show them talking about each other, it’s really sort of cute.  I really do like these two.  An announcement!  Moving in?  No… I need the knee drop.  I’ve seen the previews, give it Tony!!  Wait, is she the only one that doesn’t know what’s about to happen?  Way to put a girl on the spot, Tony.  Hey, wasn’t that one of the extra rings from Bachelorette?  Aw, good on them.  Hope they make it.  It takes a special guy to turn me around to Blakeley.

The Finals

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh right, we’re here to give away $250k.  I thought we were watching After The Final Rose for a minute.  Enter the final two couples:  Nick & Rachel and NLM & Sarah.

We start with Rachel.  She starts with Michael.  She tells him that she’s confused because he was into her and all of America saw it.  Over here raising my hand.  I saw it.  She trusted him and he said a lot of loaded things to her like “I haven’t felt like this since my last relationship.”  After the show, he went cold & ended things. He said he liked her & pursued her but after the show he realized he wasn’t in love.  So a long-distance relationship was a huge step he wasn’t willing to take.  He said that with as much emotion as someone ordering a burger at the drive-through.  Try and be a little contrite, douchebag.  BTW, she’s probably the hottest girl you’re ever going to get.

Wait wait wait…. Just wait… You mean to tell me that he’s been in a long-distance relationship with someone in Chicago and he’s sitting here saying he didn’t want to do long-distance again?  Oh right, you meant not with her.  Yeah Rach, you got strung.  Badly.  He finally admits that he wasn’t honest & upfront on the show.  Ya think?  Girl, suck it up and move on.  He’s lame.  Way lame.  You can do so much better.

And then there’s poor Nick.  The also-ran.  Though he said he felt like Rachel was “stuck” with him, he also planned all along to fly under the radar and stay out of all the drama.  His hand are clean.  And his hair is still bad.

Now No Lip Magee…  He says watching the show on TV was tough for him, his family & his friends.  Hey, haven’t we been here before?  A reunion show where you’re apologizing for your behavior?  Maybe that’s something you should spend some time on?  Time and money… as in therapy.  He says he knows he’s going to hear it from the girls, but he already heard it from his father who told him that’s not how he was raised.  He also told him no pierogie for 6 months.  He says the game got a hold of him but he was just trying to get over Emily.  World’s smallest violin.  Jamie says she thinks Emily got lucky seeing through him because he’d not have made a good father to Rickie.  You said it.  He disagrees.  The audience… Team Jamie on that one.  Or should I say Team Rickie.

Questions from the Padders for the finalists – Jaclyn wants to know why Rachel didn’t fight harder for her.  Rachel says she felt really low and she fought tooth & nail to keep her & Ed.  Nick gets her back on that.  He says they have to realize it’s a game and not taking them was their best chance to win.  I can’t believe that needs to be explained.  But it does.  Rachel is sad.  She cries.  Jaclyn is sad.  She cries.  Chris says it’s a lot of drama.  She’s gonna give Jaclyn the money, isn’t she?

And 2 minutes after NLM says that he’s sorry, he says he’s not sorry for playing the game.  Okaaaaaaaaay… do you hear yourself when you speak?  But before I can call him dumber than a bag of hair, Blakeley lets him know that he might have wanted to think about that considering they’re the ones voting.  Good Lord man, you are a dip shit.  And arrogant.  And Sarah, shhhh.  Stop defending.  It’s not going to work out well for you.  Oh and by the way Chris, you can’t apologize and then say you’re sick of hearing it or you’re more sorry that you had to hear it from your dad.

Melissa:  Side bar… We still have an hour left??  Where’s the bourbon?  Sweet Mary, Rachel, it didn’t work out.  Guess what, you’re not the first woman to be duped by a guy.  Odds are that you won’t be the last either.  Damn, not cool Mikey, getting caught saying you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship, yet have one with someone else.  I have to ask though, why are you so crazed about it Rachel?  Channel your inner bitch and tell him to F himself.  Move on, win the money and then rub his nose in it.  Childish yes, but helps lift the spirits.

Chris, yeah, you made an ass out of yourself and you’ve embarrassed your family – no big shocker there buddy.  I hope your family ripped you a new one for that douche attitude you’ve had all along.  I’m going to call BS that it wasn’t what you intended to do… BS indeed.

Seriously can’t we bypass all the questions?  Hey, is it just me or did Rachel get prettier in the off season?  Spray Tan, extensions?  What is it?  Of course Chris doesn’t regret his behavior, that’s clearly been your MO all along and you just forgot you were in front of cameras.  You can’t regret things you can’t change Chris?  Sure you can.  You can feel remorse and badly about the decisions you make.

The Vote

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh thank the lord… Here is the count…

Rachel & Nick votes:  Michael, Jamie, Ed, Blakeley, Reid, Lindzi, Donna, Tony, Jaclyn

Sarah & Chris votes:  Kalon, Dave, Erica

No one else’s votes get counted since they won before they were all shown, which means poor Ryan once again gets left out of the sandbox. But Chris tells us the remaining votes were all for Rachel & Nick.  I’m just glad No Lip Magee is done.  Wait, how the hell do we still have half an hour?  There had better be a 20-minute montage of bloopers.

Melissa:  Really, why the hell would anyone vote Chris and Sarah?  Thankfully Nick and Rachel made it to the final.  Now it’s the big decision… Keep vs. Share.  Hey now, does Nick double cross Rachel and that’s the behind the scenes we get teased with??  Now THAT would be some brilliant shit.  BRILLIANT.

The Final Final

Rachel’s What Happened:  Now we have this stupid final part where Rachel & Nick decide whether to keep the money for themselves, share the money with each other or totally eff up and give the money to the housemates if they both choose to keep it.  This part totally bugs.  Just give them the money and let us go to bed.  And no bloopers… just chatter.  I popped this popcorn for nothing.

Now, the final final moment.  I have a feeling Nick’s keeping the money.  This would be my third incorrect prediction tonight if I’m wrong.   I clearly am no good at this guessing thing, but yet I can’t stop myself from doing it.  Rachel picks SHARE.  Nick picks…. Wait for it… Wait for it…

He’s so picking keep….

And he picks… KEEP.

Why?  Because he got there on his own.  Because no one ever got his back.  Because Rachel tried to bail on him three times.  And because he can.

I’m sorry that is a freaking genius move!  I’m hysterically laughing.  This is not the most disturbing finale ever.  This is the most fantastic finale ever!  Is this where we say, “Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.”?

The Padders calm down from their shock and weigh in.  Jaclyn says that Nick doesn’t deserve it.  Kalon, in what may be the first thing to come out his mouth that makes a huge amount of sense, reminds everyone there that no one actually “deserves” the money.  It was a game and they were fortunate to play it.  Can I get an amen!?!

Did Michael just say that Nick is ignoring Rachel while she’s hurting?  Kalon could you please also explain “pot calling the kettle black”?  And I love that an audience member calls Michael out for not being exactly sympathetic to her feelings.

And now Rachel is chasing Nick down backstage and telling him to man up and talk to her.  Girl, let it go.  You got beat.  Nothing more than that.  You put all your money on black and the wheel hit red.  Whoops.

Melissa:  I love the forced drama of the decision… Should I?  Shouldn’t I?  OK, still 20 minutes to go so there must be a whole show down and Nick rolls over her with a KEEP to her SHARE.  THERE IT IS!  Well played, Nick.  Well played.  I want to feel badly for Rachel, but it’s a game, and it’s the Bachelor Pad.  I have to hand it to him, he played the game.  We all know that’s the end goal and he called it, no one said they really wanted to share the $250K.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Poor Rachel.  Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Melissa:  I love everyone’s judgement on Nick.  How did that logic serve you guys?

One Sentence Summary:  Two teams get sent packing and two teams head to the finals.

Our Thoughts: 

Rachel:  I think I’m making a very big mistake watching this madness after RHONY and Gallery Girls.  I am pretty sure my brain is so worn out from all the crazy over on Bravo that this is going to just be a whole lot of torture.  First of all, Chris is still here.  Thanks ABC for manipulating the game so that happened.  I know you don’t think  that we are dumb enough to believe that it was just a coincidence that the vote changed the week Chris was going to get voted out.  Oh wait, you probably do think we’re that dumb.  I mean we are tuning in to this show week after week, so you do have a point there.  Hand me my dunce hat, I’m ready to watch.

Melissa:  I’m playing a little catch up as I was kicking back with some Sangria Flora saying a proper Winey Bitch farewell to the summer season Monday night and missed out on all the action in the Pad.  Gotta say though I’m thinking I was the winner in that toss up.  Unfortunately Tuesday was spent in the dark on the husband’s ipad reading through tornado warnings for my area.  Tonight I finally get to visit the padmates.  We all know I’m less than thrilled we’re still stuck with the lipless wonder that is Chris.  At least I’ll be able to sip a little liquid enthusiasm in the form of Two Hands Angel’s Share Shiraz.  Plus, there might have been a little ridiculous pumpkin pie martini at dinner.  I love fall, if only for all the “pumpkin” options, but you don’t really care about my pumpkin love, so back to the recap.

After the Roses

Rachel’s What Happened:  Four couples are left and Chris is giving everyone a toast about how privileged they are to be there.  Privilege?  I don’t think that’s the right word.  But it’s all about partners and he & Sarah have chemistry.  On the other hand, Nick & Rachel have no chemistry so they are at a disadvantage.  Helping Chris drive that point home, Rachel is now spouting off to the crew about how hard it is for her, but she’s thankful that they all supported her in staying.  She really does want to be there.  Awesome, does that mean you’ll stop crying and calling yourself a widow now?

Melissa:  I can’t believe Rachel is still wining about Michael being gone.  How is it tough?  You need to get your head in the game woman, there’s a quarter of a mil on the line.  Sheesh, what grade are we in?  I also don’t like that the turn of events has me liking Blakeley now.

Hanging By A Thread

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for another challenge and time for Chris Harrison to tell us, yet again, that they’re one step closer to the $250k.  We had no idea.  Today’s challenge is going to be different.  There won’t be a rose but there will be an elimination.  So, pack your bags kiddies, two of you are going home today.  Everyone is shocked.  Guess you didn’t watch last season when the exact same thing happened after some really embarrassing Cirque du Soleil-esque performances.    Well, and since  we saw video of the next challenge in the previews, I think we can figure out who’s going… No?  Weren’t paying attention?  OK, I’ll keep my pie hole shut.

The Padders pack their bags and put on their swimsuits for a very ridiculous looking challenge.  I love that they are constantly coming up with new ways to humiliate them.  Each couple will choose one person to sit in the swing suspended above the pool.  The other person will answer Bachelor/Bachelorette triva and for every wrong answer one of the ropes holding the swing in place will be cut.  Three wrong answers and you are now hanging by a metal bar… hence their clever “Hanging By A Thread” game name.  Clearly the guys should be on the swings… Well, maybe not Tony. I think Blakeley might actually be stronger than he is.  The couple that wins gets to pick which couple is going home.  Rachel decides that she should go on the swing.  Really?  Have you seen the guns on Nick?  She’s the only girl up on the swings, which doesn’t bode well.

The questions begin and Blakeley is falling behind fast.  Tony is the first guy “hanging by a thread” and he doesn’t last very long.  Next to hang is Rachel and she lasts about 10 seconds before falling to the pool.  That leaves Ed & Chris on the swings, but Jaclyn misses and now Ed is hanging for his life.  Pretty much Chris has this in the bag unless Sarah misses the next two questions.  She misses the next one, but it’s irrelevant as Ed falls into the water.  Guess you should have been lifting more weights and less cocktails, Ed.  Chris & Sarah win & now get to choose who’s going home.  Everyone’s nervous that they’ll get picked, but let’s be honest, they’re sending Blakeley & Tony home.  Oh sorry, is that not obvious?

Sarah & Chris celebrate their power by rolling around on top of each other in one of the cabanas.  How fun for us.  But after we hear Chris talk about how he’s regained his power (gag), he & Sarah discuss the pros & cons of keeping each couple.  Sarah says she feels like Nick would bring them into the final two if they sent Rachel & Nick home.  They feel badly about sending Tony home since he’s a stand-up guy and Ed & Jaclyn are well liked all-around.  Blah blah blah, just pick someone already.  They’re finally ready to make their picks, but Chris H. has to open it up to commentary.  Lord, now we have to hear these fools kiss Chris’s ass.

Finally, after a commercial break, we get an answer.  Oh wait, no we don’t.  Chris has to give a speech too.  He says that no one other than he & Sarah believed in them.  They got there on their own and that’s the truth.  And he just prattles on from there like a bitter ex-lover.  Finally, he sends Blakeley & Tony home.  All that build up for zero surprise.  The two of them should have just grabbed their bags & bailed as soon as Chris won.  There was no part of him that was going to even consider another couple.  He’s not the Grinch and his heart wasn’t going to grow three sizes that day.

Tony & Blakeley leave in the same limo and she feels like she let them down.  Tony feels like he let his son down.  He was on this show to make his kid’s life better.  OK, seriously, I have to question the people that keep going on these shows to try and win money to take care of their kids.  How about you stay at home with your kid and do your job!  You had one before you came on the show… maybe you should have kept it.

Melissa:  Hey now, a couple gets the boot after the competition?  That’s awesome!  Let me begin the chant now to get Chris sent home.  What the hell is that contraption?  How in the hell do these producers figure out these competitions?  I swear, is next season of Bachelor Pad going to be the Hunger Games version?  HA, poor Nick has to use his brain and not his arm… I’m assuming that’s his way of referring to brawn… That should be good.  I can’t believe Sarah and Chris won.  UGH, I really can’t stand these two.  Here’s the thing, don’t the past contestants get to vote on the last couple?  Come on Chris, STFU.  I’m about done with you and these little I’m so awesome speeches of yours.  Well, no shocking surprise with that decision.  Chris has been itching to get rid of Blakeley.  At least they let them leave in the same car.  Maybe those two kids can really make a go of it.

Motoring

Rachel’s What Happened:  And then there were 3 (couples).  Jaclyn would like a little reward for all the hard work they’ve done like a dinner out.  LOL… That’s hard work?  Really?  And ABC isn’t in the business of making it easy on you.  What fun would that be for them… or for us.  So, suck it up kiddies.  Time to get your rock on for a spot in the finale.  The fact that Nick is in the running is hilarious to me.  Talk about falling upwards.

The Padders arrive at the Palladium in Hollywood and are treated to Night Ranger performing “Sister Christian”.  Hilarious.  And awesome.  Let me tell you, singer dude still sounds pretty damn good.  That’s his name, singer dude.  The competition for a spot in the finale will be the final three couples performing the song for a live crowd and Night Ranger will be their judges.  Oh boy, as much as that cracks me up, I also am fearful about hearing these fools sing.  If Chris sings as well as he dances, you might want to hit pause and find yourself some earplugs.

The Padders get 24 hours and a vocal coach to learn the words & some moves for the stage.  The moves should be pretty awesome to compensate for their lack of singing ability. I don’t care how much time they spend with the vocal coaches, they’re still going to ba-low… and isn’t that part of the fun.  And wow, Sarah might have the worst voice I’ve heard since Roseanne sang the Star Spangled Banner.  Chris thinks they are the frontrunners.  Dude, you’re sitting next to Sarah. Did you not just hear her sing?  Sarah says she’s not as good of a singer as she thought… Wait, you thought you had some kind of ability?  Jaclyn & Ed are frustrated with this challenge, but this is the most important 24 hours of her life so she needs to just push through.  Haven’t gotten out much in your life, have you, Jaclyn?

The Padders show up to throngs of screaming fans waiting outside the Palladium.  I find this especially funny because the Palladium was the view from my old office and I parked in their parking lot every day.  I cannot imagine seeing this go down live and in person.  Now, that would have been comedy.  But enough about my random life.  Let’s get motoring.

Sarah thinks Chris looks like a sexy rock star… Uh, he has on a torn up t-shirt, and other than that, he looks like… Chris.  The other couples went all out on the costumes so you lose on that front.  Hey, turns out the lead singer of Night Ranger’s name is Kelly Keagy.  Personally, I like Singer Dude better.  Anyway, let’s get this over with…

First up, Rachel & Nick.  She actually holds her own vocally.  Nothing a little auto tune couldn’t work out in the studio.  Nick rolls in and kills it.  Who woulda thunk it?  They get a standing ovation from Night Ranger.  A good sign.  Next, Ed & Jaclyn.  Jaclyn did the Catholic school girl costume which was an awesome call.  Too bad they totally forgot the lyrics to the song.  Wow, you couldn’t even work out the chorus?  I’m going to say the dry humping isn’t helping the situation either.  Finally, Chris & Sarah.  Oh Lord, they let Chris dance in public again.  Sarah isn’t much better – she looks like she’s being electrocuted – and neither is her singing.  But she thinks it’s good that they can at least hold a note… Where exactly are you holding that note?  But they did rock it out as best they could, which means they might have a chance.  Bastards.

Time for judging… Night Ranger is pretty complimentary to Rachel & Nick.  Less so for Jaclyn & Ed.  Yeah, forgetting the lyrics is a bad call.  Mixed reviews on Chris & Sarah.  I think one of the guys was trying to be nice when he really wanted to say “WTF was that?”

The votes are in and…… drum roll….. Rachel and Nick take home the roses and a trip to the finals!  I think Nick being in the finals might be the most shocking moment in Bachelor Pad history… or at least this season.  They get to decide who’s going with them.  Can we please send Chris home now?  Please… though they’re in a much better position to win the money if they take Chris & Sarah to the finale with them.  Who’s going to pick them for the prize money?  Jaclyn is crying and nervous that her BFF won’t take her to the finals.  You know, their entire friendship is riding on this.  Actually, $250k is riding on this.  Is your friendship worth that?  Is it?  Probably not.

Melissa:  Singing with Night Ranger… How awesome is that??  OK sorry, I jest.  I do love the old guys rocking out like they’re still in their 20s though… That’s just fun to watch.  Hopefully no one will throw their back out reliving the glory days.  HA, Chris Harrison:   “No, they’re going to be terrible”.  Oh Chris, you have your moments of brilliance and it makes me like you.  This warm up is fantastic.  I think they purposely want them to look absolutely stupid.  Of course no one is feeling confident, that’s the point of Bachelor Pad you ninnies, it’s to make you look like an ass so people will continue to watch. I wonder how many dogs and cats they had to chase away from these studios.

All I can pray for is that Chris and Sarah don’t nail this.  Chris turned his body into a giant cheat sheet… Hope it sweats off.  Holy Jaclyn’s boobs.  Girlfriend is going to be in trouble if those things get loose.  To that point, who the hell designed / picked these outfits??  Ouch Rachel, I’m scared for you.  Oh, let me clarify, I sound like 2 cats fighting when I sing, but I keep mine contained to the car.  I’ll give you all props for having the balls to rock it out on that stage, and being the first ones to hit the stage.  HA, OK… So Nick and Rachel were full on rockstars compared to Ed and Jaclyn.  I thought this was Ed’s running anthem?  I mean you can flub words on occasion, but you might want to practice a bit.  Oh, and yes I’m totally allowed to be all Judge Judy on my sofa.  That’s the perk of this job.  Yikes, wait, Sarah let Chris dance?  Shouldn’t that have been part of their performance plan??  Yeah, my vote is going to Rachel and Nick.  OMG Sarah, are you having a seizure?  Sarah honey, they were laughing AT you, not with you.  Are you kidding me that Chris and Sarah were the most fun Mr. Night Ranger man?  I thought she was channeling her inner Regan McNeal, I wanted to call a priest for an exorcism.  Color me thrilled Rachel and Nick won and are headed toward the final.  I’m so happy to see you miserable Chris.  It might be bad karma on my part, but I’m sure I’m not alone in this one.

What Say You?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Nick knows that the eliminated Padders are going to choose the winner of the competition so it’s imperative they bring the right couple with them.  Well, then you bring Chris & Sarah.  Basic math people.  There seems to be some thought process with Ed, Jaclyn & Rachel that the obvious choice is to ax Chris & Sarah because they’ve been winning competitions and they’re the biggest gamers in the house.  Uh, yeah, but the competitions are over, geniuses.  Now it’s likability and no one likes Chris.  Sarah Shmarah… No one ‘s giving Chris the money.  Not on my watch, at least.  Yeah, I don’t know what that means, being that I have no say or involvement whatsoever.  Nick gets it.  Now he just has to convince Rachel.  And he tries… hard… but she’s not giving in. Sweetheart, it’s a game.  Get over yourself.  If this were real life, I’d be all about the friendship.  But it’s not.  Don’t screw your partner over.  If you didn’t want to take it to the end, you should have left when you were in mourning like a good widow would have.

Melissa:  I wish there was a write in option so that the viewers could get a say.  At least Nick gets how the voting happens.  Rachel on the other hand seems to be completely oblivious that you need to go with who you think you can beat out come decision time.  The only thing that annoys me is that Chris the pompous ass will make it to the Finals.

The Rose Ceremony

Rachel’s What Happened:  Here we go.  Will the all-mighty dollar win out over friendship?  And will Jaclyn realize that Nick isn’t picking Chris because of  friendship?  Friendship in general isn’t in play here.  After a lot of talking that I didn’t much pay attention to in all honesty, Rachel & Nick pick Sarah & Chris.

And let the crying begin.  Rachel is in tears.  Jaclyn is in tears.  No, I’m sorry, she’s sobbing.  And woo, not a pretty crier.  Rachel apologizes to Jaclyn and gets a very cold shoulder followed by some nasty words in the limo.  Really nasty.  Bleep or no bleep, we can figure that out.  And not to rub salt in the wound, but let’s note that Jaclyn got almost not love from Ed at the elimination & is also riding home alone.  Damn, double whammy.  There’s a lot more back & forth between how badly Rachel feels and how pissed off Jaclyn is, but the bottom line is that Chris & Sarah got her vote.  Will that be enough?  Oh well shall see…

Melissa:  Why do we have to draw every decision out with speeches?  Why does Jaclyn equate not getting picked to losing her friend?  Come on, you know how the game goes woman.  It’s not about friendship at this point, it’s about who you think you can beat.  You would have made the same decision if it was you, don’t act like a bitch.  What, if you won you were going to share your money with her?  I’m going to go with a big old NO on that one.

Staying:  Sarah & Chris and Rachel & Nick

Who’s Out:  Jaclyn & Ed

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, I am now dying to see what the hell goes down next week with those previews.  Damn you, ABC!  How do I still let you tease me this way???

Melissa:  I’m with you on that one Rach, I can’t wait for the most shocking, most disturbing finale ever!!  You Bachelor Pad bitches with your awesome teasers!  I almost want to search out spoilers just to find out what shocked Chris Harrison.

One Sentence Summary:  Oh dear God, the remaining contestants try to spell.

Our Thoughts: 

Rachel:  In a cruel twist of irony, I was almost on my own tonight as Melissa was without power. That’s right, the Winey Bitch who lives in Florida and is getting pummeled by Tropical Storm Isaac has power and the Winey Bitch that has nothing but blue skies for miles does not.  How does that work?  But just when I thought that I would have to put up with yet another week of Chris all by my lonesome, she got her power back.  That really would have been one more reason to dislike the guy.  As if I needed one.  And while we’re on the subject of things I dislike, let’s also note that we will have to put up with Rachel crying for a solid two hours tonight because Michael is gone.  So let’s just get this over with before another band rolls through and I lose power (and patience) as well.

Melissa:  Yeah, lucky me.  Power came back on just in time for the fun!  I can’t imagine what the house will do without Michael there!  I swear though, if Chris doesn’t get the boot this week I might have to stage a coup and not watch anymore.  I’m just putting it out there, kids.  You can’t make me deal with his self-adoration much longer… You can’t! <stomp foot>  I do love though that this week is the spelling bee.  Oh, this is just going to be delicious!

After the Roses

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, so I have no idea what’s happening because I’m getting the low-down on the school closings and shelter openings in my area.  The weatherman actually just said “I stuck my head outside” as he gave us the weather report.  Don’t you have a solid $100k worth of equipment in there telling you the weather?  But the good news is that it looks like we’re seeing the end of Isaac in our area.  Anywho…

OK, we’re back and the fall-out of the Erica-Michael elimination is upon us.  And yes, Rachel is crying.  She was falling in love with him and now he’s gone.  Yeah, I know it sucks.  That’s fair.  But you do know he’s not dead, right?  He’s just down the street at a hotel somewhere.  But the pouting only lasts so long as Chris Harrison is back to wreak more havoc on the Padders.   Yes, new name: Padders.  I’m tired of calling them contestants.  Contestants are on The Price Is Right.  These guys aren’t cool enough for the Showcase Showdown.

Anyway, he knows everyone is emotional after the elimination, but this is a game and things can change just like {{finger snap}} that.  LOL. Great pep talk, Chris.  But wait, it’s time for another dramatic turn.  Tonight, there is no more “i” in team.  The Padders will now be voted off as couples.  Dun dun dun…. So get your partnership together and get it together fast.  Well, the only two people not in a couple are Nick & Rachel so… pretty much that’s all the getting it together that needs to happen.  BTW, I pretty much have zero recollection of Nick on the Bachelorette and have zero opinion on him other than he needs a serious hair makeover, but the dude has been screwed six ways to Sunday on this show.  I’m surprised he hasn’t just left at this point.  He looks exhausted and completely uninterested in pairing up with weepy girl.  Can’t say as I blame him.

Oh great, Chris’s giant ego is back.  Gawd, he irritates me.  It’s even worse when he’s super impressed with himself because he totally loses all traces of an upper lip.  Blech.  But the ego will only go so far because he & Sarah are not exactly liked in the house.  Then again, I’m pretty sure I said the same thing last week and here they still are.

Melissa:  That’s what I’m saying. Michael is out of the pad, he’s not dead.  I don’t understand why she’s so “heartbroken”?  Again, not dead.

How Do You Spell Idiot?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the big challenge.  All the Padders pile onto a school bus, which Blakeley deduces will probably mean their challenge has something to do with school.  This concerns her as it’s not her strong suit.  Oh honey, I doubt you are alone on that one.  Too bad Erica Rose isn’t still around to help you feel smarter.

Chris Harrison meets them and walks them into an empty auditorium. Welcome to the First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee!  Bwahahaha… This should be awesomely amusing.  Not only do they have to spell the word correctly, they have to spell it as a team.  Yep, they have to spell by alternating letters between them.  This is going to be hilarious.  I feel like it’s our reward for putting up with their shenanigans.  They get three strikes before they’re out of the competition.  They also have guest judges – a panel of children who are three of the top spellers in California.  That’s right guys, make all the Harry Potter jokes you want, but at least this kids can spell Hogwarts.

They start off with the short bus words like “love” and “rose”.  Come on.  Second round gets a bit harder with words like “engagement ring” which Blakley gets wrong.  Kalon gets “jewelry” and “ceremony” wrong.  Dude, aren’t you supposed to be the elite intellectual?  Rachel gets “obsession” wrong.  And it continues.  Quite the brain trust in the room.  Down go Tony & Blakeley.  Down go Kalon & Lindzi… Nick & Rachel too.  Seriously, Ed & Jaclyn, if you screw this up, I’m personally coming to smack you both upside the heads.  And it’s not looking good.  Apparently words like “aphrodisiac” & “boutonniere” don’t come up often in their worlds, though the latter might trip me up too.  Jaclyn screws up “flabbergasted” and it’s down to Chris & Sarah.  Really?  Flabbergasted?  It’s long but there are no crazy letters thrown in there to worry about.  No evil silent “e” or evil-er silent “p”, yet you went with a silent “h”?  Why?  So it comes down to Chris & Sarah spelling “entrepreneur”.  Thankfully, Sarah blows it.  Ooh, it’s sudden death.  Ed blows “soiree”.  Chris blows “lascivious”.  Ed blows “cockamamie”.  Ha ha… I said Ed blows cock–amamie… Ahem, sorry.  Sadly for everyone, Chris & Sarah manage to spell “serendipity” and win roses.  That’s right, one more week of them was just secured.  Ain’t a pair of hands clapping in that auditorium… or this house.   Chris H. tells them that they win roses and a night away from the house.  Jaclyn & Ed win a romantic overnight date for them for coming in second.  Uh, were you not in the room last week when Ed pretty much dissed her?  Way to rub salt in her wound, dick.

Another week of Chris… Pass me a bottle of something. I don’t care what.  Just do it fast.

Melissa:  HA, at least Blakeley acknowledges school isn’t her strong suit.  I kinda like her – the bitch is growing on me.  Plus, I’m really waiting for that donkey punch.  HA, alternating letters too?  This is going to be an awesome competition!!  Man, why do they have to start with such easy words?  Come on… Love?  I mean, it’s my girl’s name, but why not rock some adoration or endearment?  OK, for real, these guys aren’t smart and it’s only round 2?

Please let’s get Chris and Sarah out!  On a side note, how many tats does Blakeley have?  She’s got them on the insides of her fingers too?  I think that’s the first time I’ve noticed those.  Entrepreneur is the final word for Chris and Sarah… and just to prove myself I spelled that without looking.  Yeah, I’m pretty proud.  Soiree too – bring it!  Lascivious – BOOYAH!  I might have bit it on cockamamie.  Oh, and to win with Serendipity (one of my favorite movies), that’s just hurtful!  Consider me stomping my foot this very moment.  Please BP gods, do something, take their roses away or something.  Give everyone a pass this week and make them lose next week.  PLEASE!

I Left My Heart In North Carolina

Rachel’s What Happened:  The gloating winners, Chris & Sarah, are whisked off on a private jet to what looks like wine country and are met by a train.  Yep, they’re in wine country.  Bastards!  Talk about insult to injury!  They take a walk down to a picnic on the shore of a lake.  Good thing they just happen to have their swimsuits with them under their clothes.  You know, since spelling bees & swimming naturally go together.  They decide to go for a swim instead of eating cheese.  Yeah see, you can’t trust people who abandon cheese.

Chris tells us that he likes Sarah, but he’s holding back because he’s still broken up over Emily.  Yeah, we can tell by the way you’ve been so hesitant to hook up with any girls.  So, he’s not sure if he’s ready to take it to the next level with her.  Good thing she already slept with him before she found out where he was emotionally.  That’s always the smart route to take… Oh wait.

Melissa:  I really can’t stand these two.  I mean for real, I adore Kalon at this point in comparison.  I want them to have a shitty date, maybe get attacked by rabid stampeding cows.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for dinner in a barn.  And time for Chris to address his relationship with Emily.  This should be good.  I can’t wait to hear his take on what went down.  Sarah wonders about his dating life since he hasn’t really dated anyone since he was a sophomore.  He reminds her that Emily counts.  I love that she just skipped right over it.  Yes, if we ignore it, it didn’t happen.  He is still smarting from being sent home on the Bachelorette and still reflects on that relationship.  But talking about it with Sarah helps him heal.  Can I please live in the same fantasy land as the Padders?  I mean I think they actually think this is real life.  Anyway, he’s not sure he’s over Emily completely.  Just over her enough to sleep with other women.  Did he just say Sarah’s “my girl on the show”?  Oh, how lucky for her.  This guy’s a piece of work.  But she’s eating it up with a spoon.  OK, lady, keep telling us how awesome he is.  We’re never gonna buy it.  We’re just going to sit here & wonder why these women think Quagmire is hot?

Sarah is like so totally happy and excited to be falling for Chris – the nice guy and the right guy.  She’s the happiest girl in the Bachelor Pad!  This would all be so awesome if you were 16 and talking like that.  But you’re not.  And since we’re on the subject of “not”, he’s also not the nice guy and he’s not the right guy… but I have a feeling you’ll figure that out on your own.  Call me psychic.

Melissa:  Wait, he’s comparing “dating” Emily to a relationship?  Really?  Can it be a relationship when she’s “dating” other people too?  Did he just call her his “girl on the show”?  That’s kind of a shitty snub.  Whoa, they’re eating too?  So they’re going to sleep in the barn?  I mean I’m sure it’s a nice BP barn, but I mean… it’s a barn with hay, and bugs, and possibly poo!!

Back At The House

Rachel’s What Happened:  Let’s see what the mopers are doing back at the house.  Well, Rachel is putting on enough powder under her eyes to cover a black hole while the tears start to well up again.  Jesus, woman.  Take a valium or something before you lose an eye.  Jaclyn, as her friend, has a responsibility to get her to stay.  No, you have a responsibility to get her a scotch and teach her some deep breathing techniques.

That doesn’t happen, of course.  What does happen is that she tells Blakeley & Tony that Rachel wants to go and Nick was never in their alliance to begin with.  Seriously, Nick should just walk out the door when no one is looking and let them all figure out what to do next.  Just come back next year, Nick, and make better choices with your partners, alliances and hair products.

Now, Rachel is whining to Nick about her loyalty issues.  She then she actually compares herself to a widow.  Oh no, you didn’t go there did you?  Lady, please do yourself a favor and shut the eff up immediately.  Your drama is now insulting to people who actually have lost someone.  For the love of all that is holy, you didn’t even have a break up!  He’s just not with you 24/7 and you won’t see him for maybe another couple of weeks.  You miss him?  Fair.  You’re a widow?  No, you’re a twit.  Nick tries to pump her up and tells her Michael would want her to stay.  Poor sweet Nick… You get an A for effort.  Sadly, I think that’s all you’re getting out of the situation.

Rachel continues her sad clown routine with Jaclyn & Blakeley.  She still wants to go because she feels lonely.  Jaclyn needs her to stay, because at this point, she trusts who she trusts.  She tries to persuade Rachel to stay, which makes Rachel feel like, for the first time since Michael left, that she could stay.  These women exhaust me.  That means Lindzi & Kalon are now in the crosshairs.  Not that I disagree strongly with the Lindzi decision.  She really hasn’t contributed anything to the game.  And I’m never going to be sad to see Kalon and his glossy lips go.

Melissa:  OMG calm down Rachel, you’re going to put your eye out trying to put that concealer on.  I don’t get how emotional she’s being.  You must chill!  Oh, look at the ladies turning on Lindzi and Kalon – with a pinky swear too!

I’m Only Temporarily Single

Rachel’s What Happened:  Another date with a couple that needs to figure out where they stand with everything after they’ve been shacking up for weeks.  Don’t women have moms that teach them about self-respect anymore?  Oh right, those girls aren’t on reality shows.  My bad.  Ed is hoping to close the ambiguous gaps that are between them on today’s date.

Jaclyn & Ed jet off to the Channel Islands in the tiniest plane known to man.  Jaclyn is freaked out and I don’t blame her.  However, seeing Ed being so calm, cool & collected make her feel better.  And I have no idea if they land safely since I’m now back with Storm Watch 2012 and school closings.  In case you’re wondering, there is no rain on our radar anymore.  That’s awesome.  Now let’s just hope the folks in the path fare as well…

And we’re back with Jaclyn & Ed having their turn at a picnic.  I catch Jaclyn saying what I think is something akin to they’re having fun the way it is so they shouldn’t change it.  I believe that translates to, “I’m really wanting more, but you’re not so I’ll take less than what I deserve because something is better than nothing.”  Ladies, take it from me.  It is not.  Nothing is way better than something shitty… The more you know.  Yeah, wrong network but let’s play along.

Ed reiterates that he’d been pursuing someone at home and it turned into a relationship before he came here.  They agreed to break up for the show so he could come on as a single guy.  That doesn’t mean his feelings for her went away.  He came to this single because he knows that hooking up is part of the process, but he is emotionally still with the girl back home.  Say what?  That is some cockamamie tale telling right there.  Jaclyn says she wishes she had known about the girl.  Ed tells her that she should have asked around because everyone else knows about her.  Wow, so it’s her responsibility to have “asked around” about your dating situation?  Douche!  Girl, you have my permission to push him off that cliff behind you.  If you seriously stay with him other than on a competitive level, you might be the biggest idiot to walk in those mansion doors.  And that, my friend, is saying a lot.  BTW, nice shot of her in the dress she wore at the last elimination crying as if we wouldn’t notice that and think the tears were about this date.

Melissa:  I get that she has a bikini on, but that skirt hardly covers those ass cheeks.  I hope they give these folks valium for these teeny plane flights.  But sadly, I have ‘On The Wings of Love’ in my head.  Thanks, Rach.  Wait, did they just get ditched on a random uninhabited island?  Poor girl is all in over Ed – I don’t get it, but girl is 100% all in.  Um, he’s got a lady back home that he broke up with to go on the show, but for whom he has feelings?  You don’t want her to regret anything Ed?  I’m thinking she’s regretting letting your dick anywhere near her.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Great, time for dinner with the awkward non-couple couple.  How she is still on this date is beyond me.  She feels like his actions and his words aren’t consistent and yet she’s still waiting to figure out if he’s interested in her romantically.  If not, she will not be staying overnight & she will have to back away.  Wait, it’s still an option for you?  How?  Why?  You’re kidding me right?  I’m pretty sure those concerns have already been addressed.

She broaches the subject again (because apparently she hasn’t humiliated herself enough) and says she has the right to have concerns.  He wants to understand where she’s coming from and if it’s what he said at last week’s ceremony that is the issue.  She says that what he said and what they’ve done are two different things.  That’s why she was caught off guard.  He says this feels like a Facebook status thing, which is annoying to him because he doesn’t feel like he should have to define what they are.  So, we’re choosing “it’s complicated”?

I can’t believe she’s still bothering with this conversation.  He’s barely making eye contact and he’s calling her childish for wanting some answers.  She just doesn’t want to look like a whore.  Perhaps that thought process should have happened before you got naked with the jackass at the table with you.  Just a thought.  He proceeds to feed her some bullshit about feeling comfortable with her and liking sleeping next to her which makes them a couple “in the house”.  She calls him a douche and then says she can’t live without him.  They have a good thing, so why ruin it?  That’s a good thing?  My head is spinning.  Needless to say, she spends the night with him.  Well, you don’t look like a whore anymore, Jaclyn.  You look like a stupid whore.  I hope Ed’s girl at home watching this is smarter than Jaclyn and changes her phone number before he gets home.

Melissa:  Wait, Ed is trying to respect both parties?  Say What??  I’m thinking those night-vision scenes weren’t really respectful to anyone… Especially me having to watch them!  Ed you moron, she wants you to say you like her.  She’s hooked up with you and doesn’t want to feel like a whore.  Nice, but more importantly, Jaclyn you’re an idiot.  After that douch-y speech saying that he just wants to sleep with you and has no other feelings, you just stroll right back to the bedroom knowing you feel the EXACT opposite?  MO-RON!!

Awkwardly Cute

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the house Tony is taking Blakeley on an in-mansion date.  I think Tony is super sweet so I hope she’s not playing him for the cameras.  That’s a broken heart I don’t want to see.  We already know he’s a crier.  But she’s playing it sincere and seems to be genuinely interested.  She does keep bringing up her trust issues with him, which I feel is her way of keeping him at arms length.  She’s planning on “hanging out” with him after the Pad even though they live far apart.  Well, wouldn’t that be genius if they’re the couple that makes it?

Melissa:  Aw, this date is sweet.  I like Tony.  I also like Blakeley with Tony.  I could do without that baby-talk thing, but I like them.

Another Twist…

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ed & Jaclyn stroll back in looking “refreshed” and carrying roses.  They have to use the roses to save a couple from elimination.  Time for everyone to plead their case.  Meanwhile, another bad choice from Jaclyn on that skirt.  Yipes.

After hearing everyone out, they make their decision.  This is hard for Ed, because when someone gives him their word, he honors it.  The same cannot be said for booty.  He does not honor that.  But the pick is in and it’s Blakeley & Tony that are safe.  Nick thinks it was a bad decision.  Kalon is pissed because he & Lindzi want this as much as anyone else.  Them not being overemotional, scheming alcoholics shouldn’t matter.  Oh but it does, Kalon.  Clearly, it does.  You have to play the game if you’re going to have a shot at winning it.  No one is voting for you for your “Cool As Ice” routine.  It didn’t work out in the long run for one Mr. Rob Van Winkle and it’s not going to work out for you either.  Just sayin…

Melissa:  This is funny that everyone needs to kiss Ed and Jaclyn’s asses.  Hmmm, I like the little stick to Chris and Sarah with those roses.

Rhyming & Scheming… Still Minus the Rhyming

Rachel’s What Happened:  Chris Harrison arrives to tell them that voting is open.  They will be voting together as a couple.  Chris & Sarah and Tony & Blakeley are safe.  Ed & Jaclyn assume they’re safe.  Rachel believes that the word of Jaclyn & Blakeley is good and that makes her safe.  Nick is willing to believe that too… ish.

Kalon & Lindzi have to do some of the scheming that Kalon said he doesn’t have to do even though he’s been doing it the whole time.  His first swing is at Blakeley & Tony to try and get them to vote for Nick & Rachel.  Tony says that he knows that he, Kalon & Chris came in as an alliance but it’s tricky now.  Kalon gives one final push by saying that Rachel & Nick aren’t really a true team and Rachel doesn’t even want to be here.  True, but not sure that’s a strong argument for Blakeley to go against her girl.  Maybe Lindzi should open her pie hole at some point.  Wait, she just said “toodles”.  Never mind.  Go back to being a mute.

Nick now comes to Blakeley & Tony to inquire about their convo with Kalon & Lindzi.  Blakeley says she hasn’t made up her mind.  Tony agrees.  Rachel joins the conversation and Nick continues the push by calling Kalon a liar.  He and Tony had a plan and he should stick to it.  Tony says he has the right to talk to everyone and it’s not like they shook on it.  Yes, because shaking on something at the Pad would make it unbreakable with these totally honest people.  Nick clearly hasn’t learned the art of negotiation.  This makes Kalon happy and we get to hear what I assume is his evil maniacal laugh.  Yeah, that just sounds like bad acting.  Go practice and get back to us.

Blakeley and Tony go to Sarah and Chris with the situation that just went down with Nick.  Uh, why?  Meanwhile, Rachel is crying again about Michael because she doesn’t have a partner she can trust.  So, she calls him.  Wait, she can talk to him on the phone and she’s calling herself a widow?  That just makes her behavior even more ridiculous.  Please send her home and put Nick out of his misery.

Melissa:  Nick, when did you learn to negotiate on BP?  ’Cause guess what?  That’s not how you do it.  You need to make nice-nice.  You need to stroke egos and promise the world if you can make it happen.  Sweet Mary Rachel, the man is like on the other side of town.  He’s not on a 5 year trek in Nepal.  Get your head in the game.  You’ll see him in a few weeks.

The Rose Ceremony

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for a couple to go…

Staying:  Blakeley & Tony, Sarah & Chris, Jaclyn & Ed, and Rachel & Nick

Who’s Out:  Lindzi & Kalon

Not that surprising.  I’d rather have ended the pain that is hearing Rachel whine, but c’est la vie.  Lindzi was hoping to stay another week to see where the relationship is going.  Well, you are leaving together… Pretty sure you can figure it out on the other side of the mansion walls.  But if staying was important, maybe you should have spent some time making friends with the other girls.

Lindzi & Kalon leave in separate limos but Kalon stops his and jumps in hers to the cheers of the remaining Padders.  They profess deep profound love for each other and ride off into the sunset.  Well, thank God that happened because Lindzi wasn’t sure she’d get to see him again.  Insert eye roll over large glass of wine.

Melissa:  Damn, Kalon and Lindzi gone… Bet you didn’t see that coming “Puppet Master”.  Wait, if they’re a couple why don’t they get to leave together?  Um Lindzi, if it’s such a great thing, you’ll see him again.  Aw, he pulls a pseudo Ames and declares his love.  Ok, enough with the mushy.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  All I STILL know is that we have another week of Chris.  

Melissa:  Oh I’m so annoyed Chris is still in the house.

****Recap only.  Full pictures posted tomorrow***
One Sentence Summary:  The tables are turned, then turned again and the dizziness comes back to bite one of the guys in the ass.

Our Thoughts: 

Rachel:  Oh how I wish we could take credit for the Quagmire/Chris reference.  But we cannot.  I saw someone post it on another blog and laughed so hard that I had to share it here.  I mean it’s just so spot on and so good.  So so good.  I just hope that it’s a short-lived reference and that Sir Suck-A-Lot gets sent home tonight.  Seriously, nothing would give me more pleasure than to watch Chris go home in the limo a two-time loser.  But first, I’m holding Blakeley to her promise to donkey punch him in the throat if she made it through last week’s elimination.  Well, she’s still there and this here Winey Bitch wants to see a smack down.  I hope she goes all psycho bitch ninja on his ass.  Ah, if only Jamie was there still to twirl around them and spew nonsense about loyalty and love on the airwaves.  That, my friends, would be the most awesomely awesome Bachelor Pad in history.

Melissa:  Oh I’m giddy with excitement that this is the week Chris gets his ass handed to him, and hopefully a donkey punch to the throat delivered by Blakeley.  I swear, I’m not a huge fan of hers, but right now, she’s my favorite horse in this race.  Since I’m still off the hooch (damn you stomach!!) I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.

Rachel:  Wait, I’m off the hooch tonight too.  I donated platelets today and am trying to stay extra hydrated.  So, that means there are Two Sober Bitches in the house?  Yikes, I’m scared.

After the Roses

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ah yes, we always start with the end.  Time to check-in post rose ceremony.  Chris skips the usual sitting around the living room staring at each other post-elimination tradition and goes straight to bed.  Ah yes, Blakeley, he has made his bed and he is indeed lying in it.  And now would be a great time for a sneak attack donkey punch.  Wait, did he just say that he was under Blakeley’s spell and that he was her prisoner?  Hold on, I have to pause the TV so I can double over in laughter.  What a spoiled whiny brat!  I’m waiting for the tantrum – foot stomping included – to happen.

But the “poor me” hiding under the covers doesn’t last long as Jamie, er I mean Sarah, comes to check on him and climbs up into his bunk.  I tell you, you could make a mint collecting tolls at the foot of that ladder.  That bunk has had more traffic than an LA freeway at rush hour.  But she can’t come up until she takes off her shoes.  Right, because that’s not a dirty bunk at all.

Back in the living room, Michael is starting his crusade to send Chris home.  He has taken up all the “asshole” space that Michael is willing to give him.  Say what you want about pocket-sized Stagliano; he’s a power player.

Kalon heads into bunk central to apparently fluff his sheets and gets called a “big liar” by Chris.  Look, I get that you’re in a bunk bed, which most people stop sleeping in when they get to be too old for summer camp, but do you need to behave like a pre-teen?  I’m pretty sure “I know you are, but what am I” is coming next.  Kalon admits to voting for Jamie because it was the vote that made sense… well to everyone but Chris.  BTW, does Kalon wear lip gloss?  No one’s lips are that naturally shiny.  I want to blot them.  Badly.  Anywho, No Lip  says to Shiny Lip that he was supposed to be his best friend here.  Shiny Lip says that he’s just patronizing him because he’s a loose canon.  So how does Chris retaliate?  By throwing rose petals at Kalon.  This is hilariously childish.  Are you going to slap him with a feather boa next?

Chris moves to the living room wanting to know if Ed lied to him too.  Ed goes with the tactic of deny, deny, deny.  Finally, Ed admits to voting for Jamie and says that he has to do what his partner tells him to do because she’s the only person he can trust.  Ok, now we’ve moved to deflect, deflect, deflect.  Chris would just have appreciated it if everyone would have just been honest with him.  Yeah, sure.  Everyone knows that confronting you about voting another way, in the heat of the moment, would not have resulted in you going “fine”.  And there goes the temper.  Ah Chris, your ego is writing checks your rose ceremony can’t cash.

Melissa:   Oh now Blakeley, why you gotta go and be mean like that?  The shit on the bottom of your shoe?  What did that shit ever do to you to be compared with Captain Douchetastic?  Speaking of beds (no we weren’t, but whatev)… Does no one in the pad know how to make a bed?  For real… No One?  And why is it that no one can have a conversation on a chair or a sofa?  I don’t understand.  I love that Michael is now plotting against Chris.  Please, oh please let him be sent home this week.  It’s bad when I’m starting to like Kalon opposed to Chris.  I love that they told you right to your eyes (wha??) that they were voting with you.  Yeah, see what happened there Chris, you act like an ass and no one is going to work with you.  Again, you’re acting the OPPOSITE of a grown ass man – just so you know.  I’m thinking Doug and the boys from Bachelorette still have their point proven with you.

Bull In A China Shop

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s the next morning and Chris was too upset with all the bulls**t from last night to sleep.  Great, that should up the pleasant factor.  And is he really complaining to Tony?  You know, Blakeley’s new partner.  Another smart move by the brainiac Chris.

Yep, it’s challenge time.  Outside, there is a table stacked with trays, cups and saucers.  Blakeley is happy that she worked at Hooters for 13 years.  Those skills should come in handy.  You know, that one is just too easy.  You may make your own Hooters jokes at home.  Chris Harrison tells us that there are two roses at stake – one for the boys and one for the girls.  There is no penalty for the losers… but really, they’re all on a tv show called Bachelor Pad, sleeping in bunk beds, and throwing nuts in their own faces to win money.  I think they’re all pretty much losers, no?  But I digress…

Let’s play The Great Fall of China.  They each have to race between the two tables seven times with a tray that has to have a cup & saucer added to it each time they get to one of the tables.  Drop a cup or saucer and you have to start over.  No problem, right?  Wrong.   First off, everyone is mad that Blakelely has waitressing skills and therefore an unfair advantage (seriously?), none more than Erica.  So, she’ll just take her damn time, not try and dump her dishes when she sees them start to waver.  Mature.  But will you look at that, Blakeley drops all her cups.  Now, it’s on.  No one is doing well.  The place looks like a Greek restaurant after hosting a wedding.  It comes down to Blakeley & Sarah.  Sarah beats her but is disqualified for touching her cup.  And that is not a euphemism.  This gives Blakeley the win and a figurative donkey punch to Chris’s throat.

Now it’s the boys’ turn.  Chris knows he has to win.  I know that I don’t want him to.  Sarah is annoyed with Blakeley for coaching Tony.  You know because it’s making Chris drop his cups.  You know what else it’s doing?  Helping Tony win.  Yep, that’s right.  Tony & Blakeley both have roses.  A double donkey punch for Chris.  And a date for each of them away from the house.

Melissa:  I love that Chris’s “world” is flying out from under him.  Maybe if you weren’t such an ass you’d be in a better position right now.  Just a thought.

Hey now, Blakeley just admitted to working at Hooters for 13 years?  Did I hear that right?  Now, I’ve never been to a Hooters, but I’m seriously thinking it’s not really a VIP Cocktail Hostess type of place.  This is pretty funny.  But here’s a question… Why are they putting the cups upside down instead of the way they are supposed to fit in their saucers with the other saucer on top?  Way to go Hooters training!  I don’t know that I could listen to Blakeley in my ear if she was my partner, but hey it worked, and what is more important… Chris has no immunity!!  Picture my Snoopy dance.  No, everyone, rejoice with me – Snoopy dance for everyone!!

That Pesky Rose

Rachel’s What Happened:  Blakeley opts to take Tony on her date, which means that the other date rose gets to go to another guy in the house.  That guy gets the second date.  Clearly, that person will not be Chris.  He knows this and just hopes the rose doesn’t go to Kalon… which means the rose goes to Kalon who loves the irony of the situation.  Tony still gets to decide what girl he’s going to save with his date rose.

Blakeley gets to choose between Date #1 and Date #2, which is an overnight date. She chooses #2 because she’s convinced that overnight means helicopters and luxury.  I think we’ve all seen this show enough times to know where this is going… and it’s not getting there on a helicopter.

Melissa:  I like that Blakeley and Tony opt to give up their extra rose… To Kalon.  Oh, this makes me so happy watching Chris squirm.

You Make Me Want To Be A Better Man

Rachel’s What Happened:  The date card for Kalon shows up with two gift-wrapped boxes. Immediately, Blakeley is thinking she may have made the wrong decision.  The card says to choose a “pretty woman” and that means Lindzi is getting jewels a la Julia Roberts in the movie of the same name.  Perchance they will be dining at the Reg Bev Wil as well?  In Kalon’s box, the key to a Bentley.  Yep, wrong choice, Blakeley.

Off the kiddies go for their fancy date, which is on a bridge that has been shut-down for the two of them clad with a chandelier, table for two and champagne.  Damn ABC, way to get one super right.  I’m shocked this didn’t go to Emily.  Seriously, that’s one hell of a date.

Feeling overtaken by the romance of it all, Kalon tells Lindzi his feelings for her.  She keeps him sane.  He had lost faith in the process until her & finding her is the most pleasant surprise he could have imagined.  It’s different from the Bachelorette because he’s possibly maybe in love with her.  Way to be totally non-committal.  Oh and let’s not miss a chance to disparage Emily in the process by saying he had to force it with her from day 1.  Uh, then why didn’t you leave on day 2?

Lindzi says that she’s lucky she got to see the funny, genuine, and kind person that he really is.  I just gagged.  See, to me, this is the same thing as last season with Blake.  I didn’t buy what he was selling for a second when he was wooing Holly.  I thought he was just screwing with Michael for sport.  And yet, the two of them got married in June… which is pretty much news to me , but I just looked it up.  Here’s the story if you care (you don’t):  US Magazine.  So, maybe he really is digging Lindzi AND is a royal douche all at the same time.  Yeah, you didn’t really think I would fall for that BS about him being kind & genuine, did you?

Melissa:  Poor Blakeley, no diamonds or Bentley for you.

No Kalon, you aren’t going to get jacked for driving a Bentley in the hood with an entire camera crew traveling with you.  I love the date on the bridge though.  I mean it’s a bridge, so we know I have issues with those, but this is cool.  I don’t know if I get these two.  I guess we don’t see the side of him that she does, but whatever.

The Bitching Continues

Rachel’s What Happened:  Chris is still bitching about how everyone lied to him and how he’s no longer the king of the castle.  Do you not get that you are the OG liar… OK, that was Reid… Do you not get that you’re the OG liar part 2 and that you got busted?  You screwed with your alliance, which anyone who’s ever watched a war movie knows is a bad idea.  And you screwed with your partner, which anyone who’s ever watched the Bachelor Pad knows is a bad idea.  This is on you buddy.  But you keep crying into your scotch and blaming the world.  He knows he’s going home this week but he’s going to go out like a man.  Oh, you thought that meant with dignity?  No no, silly child, that means by taking Lindzi down with him.  Hmmm… Don’t you need someone on your side to do that?  Well, good luck with that.

Melissa:  You weren’t the king of the castle, you idiot.  You just thought you were.  I’m also not thinking this plot of yours to get rid of Lindzi is going to pan out… Just a guess.

Getting Back To Nature

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the new partners to go out on the town.  Tony is excited to explore the romantic possibilities with the hottest girl in the house… Blakeley.  Look people, beauty is in the eye of the rose holder.  Maybe it’s just me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s the only one feeling groovy.

Meanwhile, Chris is still bitching about Blakeley and how poor Tony has to spend not only a day with her, but a whole night.  Could you imagine anything worse?  Yeah, a night with you, bitter party of one.

Everyone is talking about how amazing their date is going to be… yachts, helicopters, etc.  Instead, waiting for them is an open-air Jeep.  Off they go and Kalon is worried that she’s going to bite his head off like a praying mantis.  I don’t think that’s an unrealistic concern.

As they drive, Blakeley is wondering what luxury awaits them.  Ten bucks says they’re going camping.  Yep, I nailed it… ish.  It’s wilderness and there’s an airstream trailer.  I’m gonna say that they’ll get a luxurious surprise at some point but they have to sweat it out first.

The kids cook themselves some dinner that they actually eat!  Blakeley thanks Tony for supporting her She has really enjoyed getting to know him.  She really likes him (color this viewer surprised) but she takes a while to open up to people because she’s been hurt.  He thinks she’s been with the wrong guys and being with someone like him might be good for her.  Aw, Tony, you get the “aw shucks” award for the night.

Up next on the cutie patootie menu, dancing to the car radio under the stars.  Too bad, whatever was really on the radio was replaced by the powers that be at ABC with the evil ex-Bacheloette/Pad-er Wes Hayden song.  Really, guys?  You’ll recycle that piece of shit, but won’t give me one freaking chorus of On The Wings Of Love?  Rude.  But Blakeley & Tony are fulling digging each other much to the surprise of um… everyone.  Somewhere in the distance a wolf howls… or maybe that was just Blakeley getting her airstream on.

And no luxurious surprises were had…

Melissa: So after all that buildup they tool off in a truck.  It’s the airstream BP date! I love this!  There has to be a catch, because this is too funny.  Wait a minute, is it the lack of booze in my system?  Why am I starting to like Blakeley?  I gotta give Hooters props on enjoying this date, and Tony.  I also love the overlap of Chris and Sarah dissing these two as they legit enjoy themselves together.  While you know Sarah is just wondering how long until Chris is looking for another “new car smell”.

And He’s Still Bitching…

Rachel’s What Happened:  Great, more Chris.  You know I think all of us out here in TV Land have had enough.  Just saying…. But go ahead, show us his sucking up to Ed so that he can exact revenge on Kalon.  Chris faux-pologizes to Ed and Ed is dumb enough to buy it, especially as Chris immediately turns on Kalon.  You can’t see that he’s playing you?  A blind man could see that!  Oh Ed, you fool.  You actually made us have to hear the phrase “Bukowski spell”.  What’s with all the hocus pocus spells Chris?

Meanwhile, Michael has created a mini-date for Rachel under the stars.  He tells her that he was nervous about being back at the house and being physically reminded of all the places he & Holly were together.  You mean, like right there on a blanket that you laid out to show Holly how much you cared?  Way to recycle a date and then talk about how far you’ve come since said date.  But she’s loving it.  And he’s loving it.  And everyone is a happy camper.

Oh great, a montage of all the couples kissing.  Just what I needed on a sober night.

Melissa:  I love that you think you have any control here, Chris.  You went against “the alliance”.  They aren’t going to vote off one of their own at this point, and Blakeley didn’t make waves.

Aw, how cute is this move from Michael?  I see a guitar… You going to sing for us Mikey?

Don’t Play Your Partner

Rachel’s What Happened:  Yeah, I don’t know exactly what happened with Blakeley & Tony on that date, but she is literally glowing in her interview.  Best she’s ever looked.  Dayum, Tony.  Actually he’s glowing too… which of course is the spell he’s under, according to Chris.  I think he might be having a break with reality.  Someone asks about the rose and Blakeley says they barely takled about it and have no idea who’s getting it.  Hmmm, I doubt that.

Tony is, stupidly, still buying what Chris is selling and hears him out about voting Lindzi out.  Please tell me these guys aren’t dumb enough to keep siding with him.   And please tell me that Blakeley is packing something powerful enough between those legs to make Tony listen to her.  He’s wavering and feeling torn because Sarah’s a really good person who genuinely wants to be there too.  Jack ass.  Don’t even…

OK let’s see what genius does… Well before we can find out, Chris pulls Tony aside to try and make one last play for Sarah.  Sensing that he might lose a very important body part should he go against the alliance (aka Blakeley), he stays on course and gives Jaclyn the rose.  Anyone else hearing the death knell for Chris?  I hope.  I pray.  Please!

Melissa:  Oh Chris with your plotting.  Please Tony, be smart and do not listen to Chris.      Good on you Tony, Jaclyn was a total curve ball.

Rhyming & Scheming… Still Minus the Rhyming

Rachel’s What Happened:  Everyone is ready to vote but Chris Harrison walks in with some news.  Seems Chris Bukowski is too good for ratings, so the good folks at ABC have to shake things up and give him a chance to stay.

First, lets talk about the couples.  The coupled up couples get some camera time to flaunt their love.  Well, except that Ed lets it be known that he had no interest in romance when he got here and he still doesn’t.  This is news to Jaclyn.  Jesus, Ed.  Could you be any dumber?  Way to humiliate your partner in front of everyone.  Ouch.

Oh right, the shake up… Everyone votes tonight for a woman to go home.  Yep, only voting for the ladies.  The woman that gets sent home gets to choose what guy goes with her.  Her choice, period.  No conversations to try and get her to vote a certain way.  Screech… I swear if Chris stays because they wanted to ensure angry mob ratings I’m going to be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed.  And boy if Chris Harrison doesn’t look like the cat that ate the canary after that announcement…

It’s radio silence in the room as the hamsters start running like mad in those heads of theirs.  And the conniving begins.  Chris thinks he’s got the ball back in his court and is spinning his web.  If you vote off Sarah, one of your big dogs goes with her.  And dammit, he has a point.

But there’s still hope… and that hope is Michael.  He has a plan to vote off Erica and make it seem like Chris was behind it.  It’s a stupid plan but Erica is dumb enough to fall for it.

First though, let’s drop in on the incredibly awkward silence that is Jaclyn and Ed.    Ed tries to explain Jaclyn’s hurt away by saying that she is a pleasant surprise, but he stands by his words because that’s what he’s said since the beginning.  You know, since no one on this show changes their mind.  She asks him what he wants to do and he hesitates… That says it all for her.  Sadly darling, he already said it all in front of all your housemates.

But she gets over her sadness long enough to tell Erica that Chris was voting for her.  Erica confronts Chris who says that’s so not true.  He’s still Team Lindzi.  She says even if that’s the case, and she does get voted off, he’s still not necessarily safe.  Michael & Nick reinforce the story and Erica is eating it up like a giant plate of Botox.  Sarah tries to placate Erica, but she’s not having it.  Chris gives it one last college try to convince Erica that he’s not voting for her by taking her to the voting room and showing her that he’s voting for Lindzi.  Wait, how is this cool?  Where are the producers????  I call shenanigans!!!!  But mostly I just want to know if we can get this over with already???

Melissa:  DOH, that was the craziest diss from Ed.  Ouch!

Are you kidding me – vote off one woman and she gets to turn around and vote off anyone?  Poor Blakeley, you were this close.  I am so liking you right now Michael, you fiendish little bastard!  Don’t get me wrong, I mean that in the most flattering way.  Wow, most awkward silence I’ve ever had to witness with Ed and Jaclyn.  Yes my dear, you slept with a guy who doesn’t “love” you.  I gotta say, sometimes that’s a complete blessing!

Let the lies begin!!  This is awesome. Props to you Michael if you pull this one off.  I don’t like you being so cocky about it though.  Let’s not forget what that shit attitude did for Chris… 

The Rose Ceremony

Rachel’s What Happened:  And so it begins…

Staying:  Blakeley, Tony, Kalon, Jaclyn, Sarah, Rachel, Lindzi

Who’s Out:  Erica

And that means Erica gets to take a man down with her… and not in the fun way.  She feels like things aren’t fair right now and the dishonesty is fine.  She gets it.  It’s part of the game.  She is going to break up an alliance because if this person was a true friend to her, this wouldn’t have happened.  And bam, Michael is going home.

Rachel doesn’t want to stay now and tells Erica she did the wrong thing.  Of course you’re just giving Erica more camera time to spew about how he’s a master manipulator and a backstabber.  And as Michael admits to playing Erica, she continues her tirade and goes where no one should ever go… Holly.  The best thing she ever did was leave him and marry Blake.  Holy low blow, plastic girl!

Melissa:  Erica is going to take Michael with her! NO-MY-GOD, I didn’t see this one coming!!  I would love the two of them to be in the same limo on the way out.  Oh Erica, he’s not a dictator.  He just knows how to play the game.  Now, we have Chris staying THINKING he’s a dictator.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  All I know is that we have another week of Chris.  

Melissa:  Ugh, I can’t believe Chris is still there, and this is the dumbest out-take.