Tag Archives: Caroline Manzo

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 1: Garden State of Emergency

Posted on June 3, 2013 by | 3 Comments

One Sentence Summary:  Seems like Sandy isn’t the only storm the ladies face this season.

Melissa’s Thoughts:

no, I still don't have my own spinoff, but I hide the disappointment well.

No, I still don’t have my own spinoff, but I hide the disappointment well.

Oh, you all know I’m tickled Rosé my Jersey bitches are back!!  One of these days I’m going to take a road trip and stalk Franklin Lakes.  No wait, I didn’t say that… no restraining orders please!  I digress, this season we pick it up where we left off with the Gorga / Giudice feud.  Shocker!  Though by the look of the season’s preview, it’s going to get down to “trust falls” and rappelling to prove Housewife love.  Hang on, did a Bachelor(ette) producer join the Bravo team??  What’s with the danger to prove love?  Anywho, let’s kick things off with a lovely glass of Sauvignon Blanc raised high to Jersey Girls.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Reunion part 2

Posted on October 8, 2012 by | 2 Comments

One Sentence Summary:  Joe is in the hot-seat, let the denials begin.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh dear Lord, there are 3 episodes of this reunion, not two.  Why?  Why does anyone need 3 hours of screaming incessantly.  I read somewhere that they taped this for 12 or 13 hours.  I can’t imagine that anyone thought that was a good idea by the end.  Imagine how the editors, cameramen, etc. felt trapped in that studio all day.  Man, I hope craft services was on point with some good snacks.  That’s just insanity.  Then again, so is watching this nonsense.

Melissa:  We’re back for round 2 of the reunion, and if previews are to be believed, Joe finally gets his say as to who was on the phone.  Yeah, he’ll go with an employee and they pulled audio from something else and spliced it all together to look bad.  Teresa of course will spin it that everyone is out to set her up.  That’s my guess.

Part 2 – Right Where We Left Off… 

Melissa’s What Happened:  Here we go, back with Rosie backstage getting all sorts of in a twist over Teresa’s attacks against her father.  Personally I’d love to let Rosie open a can of whoop ass all over this stage.  Someone needs to listen to Caroline that talking about the parents is wrong.  Especially deceased parents.  At least Lauren is back stage to calm Rosie down.  Way to go Lauren, glad you stepped in to diffuse the situation.  Melissa gets her say against Teresa telling her she doesn’t get to play victim after bashing Melissa and her marriage all season long.  Gotta agree with the lady on that one.  I have to also think after all this screaming none of them had a voice the next day.  Sheesh!  I feel like my ears are about to bleed.

Rachel:  Well, my DVR also thinks it’s insane to watch this as it didn’t bother taping tonight’s episode.  So, I missed the first 3 minutes only to come in on insane screaming and yelling between Caroline, Melissa & Teresa.  Don’t know why.  Don’t care.  Moving on…

YAY, It’s Rosie!!

Melissa’s What Happened:  I love they are bringing back Rosie’s story line.  This is what family should do, love and support each other.  Oh, and the flash back of Teresa’s Solid Gold look.  Yipes!  Aw man, I’m getting all teared up with Rosie telling people to talk to their families.  That’s right Kathy you tell Teresa to shut up and let Rosie talk.  Rosie tells Teresa she can say whatever she wants because she and Kathy know the truth, and of course Teresa can’t argue… Because she knows it too.  Oh, hey Rosie is single, that’s too bad… fingers crossed you find a keeper sweetie.  Props to you Rosie, I adore you brought such an awesome bit of humor to the show.

Rachel:  Love me some Rosie.  She really is the one that deserves her own show.  Oh lord and the screaming again.  We were having such a nice moment.  Thank you, Andy, for bringing it back to the subject at hand.  Let Rosie have her moment and give Andy his moment with Rosie having her moment.

Napa RV Trip

Listen to me… If you don’t get back over there right now, I’m going to slap you silly.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa is a toucher, good to know… And there are no boundaries where she’s concerned.  That was big of Kathy to apologize for her words, but watch Teresa dance away from accepting the apology.  I love that she doesn’t feel any need to apologize for her words.  You’re such a nightmare Teresa.  I really wish you could see yourself the way everyone else does.  Ugh, the infamous Napa fight… And no, Jacqueline wasn’t sleeping through that.  There’s no need to make up any excuse, thanks for owning it Jac.  Wait, someone is really likening Caroline’s “bullying” to the way Teresa treated Danielle.  Too bad Teresa can’t come up with any example for how Caroline bullied her.  Wait, if the bullying doesn’t effect you then how is it bullying?  Wait, Teresa was upset when Melissa and Kathy came on the show to talk about her?  Are you kidding?  I’m sorry, I thought it was the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  I didn’t know it was the Teresa show.  Caroline is quick to point out that Teresa pulled Dina on the show to talk about her, and yet that was completely acceptable.

Rachel:  Thank you, Andy, for stopping the talk about moms.  These ladies should know better.  And I would like to give Kathy credit for apologizing to Teresa for bringing up her mom, but there is so much anger behind the apology it seems totally insincere.  I’m so confused by Teresa’s musical chairs.  You’re not more welcome on that couch.  Wait, did Teresa just ask what’s wrong with calling someone the c word?  Oh I guess she has to make it insignificant since her husband called her that.  Can we just move on to that conversation?  That I need to hear.  Jacqueline was not sleeping, we all know it and we can move on now.  Can someone define bully for Teresa?  She can’t answer a question if she doesn’t know what the word means.  Oh, Caroline, why are you trying to use logic where none applies.  Teresa just looks like a deer in headlights when anyone asks her a question that requires more than a yes or no answer.  Look, Mensa isn’t knocking on the Guidice’s door so let’s not try and pretend that Teresa can process parallels about sisterhood.  She can’t even spell “parallels”, let alone pontificate about them.

Melissa’s Spotlight

Come to think of it… Destroying her WOULD be nice.

Melissa’s What Happened:  What’s funny to me through this montage is that Teresa can’t stand that there is a montage dedicated to Melissa.  Oh, it’s the simple things in life my friends.  Melissa is ready with a new song and video, good on you girl, take advantage of your 15 minutes.  Hey now, it looks like Teresa has been blogging that she thinks Melissa lip syncs every time she performs.  Thanks Melis for quickly pointing out that it’s just another way of Teresa going after her, yet if she were to say anything about her cookbooks there would be hell to pay.  Hell Yeah Melissa, oh that was brilliant.  Color me impressed, and that’s awesome listening to Teresa trying to sing… Emphasis on “trying”.  HA, love you Jacqueline for ‘going to sleep’.  Here we go, the question about Melissa and Joe selling the house.  That’s right, she doesn’t want her kids to go to school with Teresa’s.  I don’t blame you sweetie, they attack their own family as it is.  Ah, here we go… The contact with Danielle.  I’m about over this little drama.  How many years ago was that?  Though it does justify Teresa’s behavior toward Melissa… In her mind.  So for that, Teresa can call Melissa a gold digger, and stripper, and ready to leave Joe for a richer man.  Poor Melissa still trying to get Teresa to admit to anything she’s done or said.  You might actually have a better shot at turning water to wine my dear… Or finding a leprechaun riding a unicorn in your back yard.  Wait, Melissa wrote On Display about Teresa??  Holy No She Di-in’t I almost spit my wine across the room!!  Now Teresa is saying Melissa came on the show to hurt her?  No, sorry… To destroy her.  You’re insane woman!  Oh, to prove she’s happy Caroline and Jacqueline are out of her life she starts thanking God while bowing to the table?  Sweet Mary she’s unhinged.

Rachel:  Oh boy, Teresa’s head must be ready to explode.  A whole segment about someone that’s not her.  Wow, I think Teresa is sincerely insane.  Sane rational people … their  brains just don’t even go where hers goes.  Sing the whole song?  WTF?  Did she have a pocket autotuner ready to go for that little part that she just sang?  And for the record, what you did, that was not singing Teresa.  Oh Melissa, don’t even stoop to her level.  It’s not worth your time.  Now I understand why Teresa’s wearing green.  She’s the big angry jealousy monster.

Oh I had no idea the statue of limitations on being a gold digger ended after 8 years of marriage.  Congratulations Melissa, glad you’re now just a loving wife.  That Teresa sure is generous.  Whoa… I was just humming along over here waiting for this Danielle chatter to end with some kind of point made by someone when I’m pretty sure I heard Teresa say “On Display” was written about her.  Say what?  That’s so bizarre.  And that’s so narcissistic.  And it’s also so textbook Teresa.  She really believes the entire world revolves around her.  Um, is she really on her knees right now genuflecting over a table in thanks for not having Caroline & Jacqueline in her life?  OK, I’m sorry.  Anyone out there still on Team Teresa has got to give me some kind of reason why other than she’s a lunatic and they find that entertaining.  I find her to be one of the most vile creatures on the planet at this point… and that’s even in an election year.

Joe’s Turn

Don’t call her a bitch again… Don’t call her a C again… man that was expensive. At least she bought my story.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Why does Joe get to have any spotlight on the show?  Oh right, to defend his comments about Teresa.  WOW, upon hearing her husband talk about what a good mother and wife she is she doesn’t even crack a smile.  Nada!!  Wait, they got remarried?  And THAT was the ensemble she chose to commemorate the occasion?  What crazy shenanigans is that?  Right, so who he was talking to to an old friend from back home.  Wait, did he just say C wasn’t in his vocabulary?  Are you kidding?  Oh, then… AND THEN… the Spanish pizza guy got on the phone?  That’s the biggest bit of nonsense I’ve ever heard.  Hang on, now he’s trying to blame Bravo for showing the comment because he needed to go to the jewelry store to make up for it.  Did Teresa try to flip things around and say that Chris cheated on Jacqueline?  Snap, Jacqueline pulling out Teresa catching with a woman on his desk?  Way to sink like an anvil to her level… Rise above Jacqueline, rise above!  She’s so not worth it.  She might be a bitch, but karma is an even bigger bitch and very patient.

Rachel:  Oh, the moment of truth… Or more like the moment of spin doctoring.  Although first can we discuss the wedding vow renewal.  Holy 1980′s hair!  And that dress makes her look like she was attacked by the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man.  That’s a whole lotta dress and a whole lotta ugly.  I wonder if anyone is buying what Joe is selling.  Wait, he just said that he shouldn’t have said what he said TO her, which would indicate the person on the phone was a she.  He didn’t say ABOUT her, which would mean Teresa.  Hmm… freudian slip there friend.  Wait, really Teresa?  You’re laughing off the fact that he called you a c word?  Denial… deep deep denial.  A Spanish pizza guy?  This might be the worst cover story ever told.  Oh well of course, jewelry is always the perfect apology for calling your wife a terrible name.

Rachel:  Woo, lots of dirty laundry and cheating husbands.  Oh Jacqueline, stop.  Stop stop stop.  This is all just so dirty and low class.  She’s standing by her man… for whatever reason that is unfathomable to me other than she doesn’t want all the naysayers to be right.  You’re sticking by your man.  The end.  Oh and it is the end… Thank freaking heaven.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  That was loud. Again.  And remember when I said Teresa is the most vile creature?  I’d like to retract that.  I think Joe Guidice is.  One more hour of this shit and we can all move on.

Melissa:  Amen Rach, only one more hour!!  I only hope we survive as the rest of the men get their say.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Reunion part 1

Posted on October 1, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  Clearly absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder in New Jersey.

Our Thoughts:

You’re all setting me up!!

Rachel:  So here we go.  There have been so many sneak peaks and previews of this reunion that I feel like I’ve already seen the whole thing.  Or as much as I need to see.  Really, the only thing I wish for tonight is that Kim D gets her weave yanked out of her head.  It’s a small request, no?  Manageable enough that I think it should be granted to me as a gift.  No, it’s not my birthday, but I think we all deserve a little something for putting up with Teresa all season.  Well, Teresa and the Joes… Yes, both of them.  Alright.  Enough yammering.  Let’s get this over with.

Melissa:  Yes, it’s reunion time for the NJ Housewives!  Truth be told, I was really about done with the ladies in Napa, but I can’t wait to see the craziness that will be this reunion.  I’m coming off of my wonderful Revenge season premier high and nothing can bring me down.  Plus, I’m really hoping for a complete coup against Teresa and all her behavior this year.  So let’s pour ourselves a glass of our favorite and watch the cray-cray spiral out of control.  I don’t get though how it’s been a year since they faced each other.  Didn’t they have to film a season?  I’m thinking the last reunion was filmed after this season’s Posche Fashion Show… Surely Bravo wouldn’t cut loose their bread and butter.  How is it the ladies haven’t seen each other in a year?

Down Time Work

Melissa:  Um, Kathy really with the nose job?  OK, I’ll let it go.  You do what you want to make yourself feel better about yourself, but maybe let the lips deflate a bit.

Rachel:  Wow, Kathy… The nose is good.  The lips… the lips are baaaaad.  Thank you Andy for giving her the yellow “warning” light.

Cut To The Chase

Let me set things straight. I refuse to let tonight be about anyone but me.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Let’s cut to the chase, Teresa doesn’t miss Jacqueline and she’s in a better place now.  I have to say I love the looks from Teresa already in the first 4 minutes of the show.  OK, I might as well put this out there right now.  Teresa is just so annoying to me I find it hard to watch my NJ peeps because of her.  For real, like dread Sunday nights thinking I’ll have to listen to the delusional banter for an hour.  I also have to wonder what they did to convince Melissa and Kathy to sit on the same sofa and not try to choke her.  Jacqueline starts to explain to Andy why she missed out on the reunion, and Teresa takes the opportunity to attack and claim that Jacqueline tried to ruin her family.  Unfortunately for her cause, Melissa is right there with a ‘don’t say that, it’s not true’ comment.  Yes, here we go, Teresa is claiming Jacqueline set her up the entire season.  Ugh Teresa.  OK, I’m going to try to my best to follow along here, because I can’t keep track of Tilt-A-Whirl-Teresa and her insanity, but apparently she hasn’t talked to anyone (a collective sigh breathed by them all I’m sure) but Melissa who she invited to a birthday party.  I guess there was a fight because Melissa said she was going to the party in a magazine but not to Teresa and I’m already confused.  Teresa tries to claim she never said anything about what she did in the past.  Poor Andy needs to butt in and rein in Jacqueline who, since not getting her say for the past year, needs to unleash her anger on Teresa.

Rachel:  I still don’t quite understand why Jacqueline was having a breakdown.  It’s not like her family was affected.  Their friendship was already rocky.  I mean that’s a little dramatic, no?  And laughable… but not quite as laughable as Teresa saying Jacqueline set up Strippergate to frame her.

Could they be more childish?  Who cares if Melissa RSVP’d or didn’t.  And I’m about to ball-gag Jacqueline.  Seriously, you don’t need to comment on everything.  All the under-the-breath comments are making me feel like I’m watching a foreign film with all the subtitles.  By the way, Jacqueline & Teresa look like Christmas ornaments next to Andy.

Jacqueline

Melissa’s What Happened:  Hey, it’s the Ashlee montage.  I keep forgetting she’s on the show this season.  Apparently she has a paying job now and it’s brought her & Jacqueline to a good place.  Holy shocking moment.  Jacqueline is also asked to discuss Chris’s company’s bankruptcy charges and her addiction to tweeting.  Barely a word is out of her mouth before Teresa takes over again and I’m completely distracted.  Sweet Mary, I think I need to hit the scotch.  OK, let’s refocus on Nicholas who has been diagnosed with Autism.  Now, I need to stop my snark for a second and say how wonderfully I think Jacqueline has faced his autism and using her Housewives platform to raise awareness.  Now THAT I like to see.  But it’s so horribly sad that Nicholas no longer says “I love you” to Jacqueline.  As a mom, I can’t imagine.  STFU Teresa with your “he says it and now he can’t say it right?”… Really woman, you are horrid trying to steal the spotlight on something so serious.  You really are evil.

Rachel:  We’re 15 minutes in and Andy looks like he’s about to go postal on these bitches. Not bringing a cocktail along was a tragic error, Andy.  Tragic.  And why is anyone shocked that Ashlee almost blew up Hollywood?  She’s as dumb as a box of hair.  Jacqueline does need a Twitter intervention.  I wonder how she gets anything done during the day b/c she’s constantly tweeting.   OK, the Nicholas montage is really sad.  Coming from a family that has a member with Autism, I know how hard this must be on Jacqueline.  And is Teresa really making this moment about her?  What an asshole.  Seriously.  I’d really love to pull a Toby Keith and stick a boot up her ass right now.

Fracture of a Friendship

Melissa’s What Happened:  Oh it’s the “freaking jealousy” comment again.  I really have ZERO patience with Teresa.  What’s up with making Andy feel your heart?  He doesn’t want to, and I’m thinking he’s hoping your spray tan doesn’t leave a mark on his hand.  Jacqueline tells Andy she heard Teresa say, through an open window (to Melissa), that she hated Jacqueline moments after the infamous hug and make up in Napa.  Man, this woman is a serious piece of work.  Teresa’s rebuttal:  “Where’s the tape? Prove it.”  Jacqueline continues to call out Teresa on all the BS that she’s said about her family.  Finally the infamous “You’re a liar. You’re sick and you’re gong to hell” comment!  I’ve been looking forward to that since I saw the preview.  Man.  I’m seriously having problems tracking all of this.  No Andy, I don’t think they’ll get back to their happy place.  Have you not heard them the past 5 minutes?

Rachel:  Anyone else feel like Andy is gritting his teeth through every faux sentiment he’s forced to read… like this being a “sad” end to a friendship?  I really wish Jacqueline would have called Teresa out on-camera for this shit talking she overheard in the RVs.  Now that would have been some good TV.  Ok, now we’re doing insults back & forth about each others clothes? Grow up, ladies!  Personally,  I think Teresa likes people to feel her beating heart because it’s the only action she’s getting since we know her hubby isn’t feeling much of anything.

Own Your Bitch

If it has to be all about Teresa, let’s have some fun and start a spelling bee.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Why must they drag Caroline’s menopause, Lauren’s weight and anger at her brothers back out for the world?  Man, someone called Caroline a bitter ginger?  Day-um!!  She admits she didn’t like what she saw in season 4, but she’s not menopausal.  She’s just going to own her bitch and move on.  Oh, Lauren is here!!  HA, anyone else see the daggers from Teresa that someone has the spotlight and she can’t think of a single way to get it back?  Oh, never fear kids… She’ll find a way.  The night of the argument in Napa was the night Lauren decided it was time for the lap-band.  Oh look, Teresa gets a say again.  She’s asked about Caroline’s parenting (why?) and is momentarily complimentary.  Until…  She says that before blk, the kids didn’t have jobs.  False and unnecessary. Then she goes for the jugular and tells Caroline that she needs to get some Botox since they’re on TV now.  Oh yeah, my girl Lauren just called Teresa a full on dickhead.  I don’t know if I want to high-five her or hug her for that.  OOH NO SHE D-IN’T just challenge Teresa to prove that she writes her own blog by asking what napalm means and challenging her to spell it.  That shit is brilliant.  BRILLIANT!  Wait girl, you lost me with naqutalm.  I’m assuming she’s trying to throw off Teresa for the next time she tries to spell it.  Needles to say, wonderful to see you my dear Lauren.  You’re looking fabulous.  Then again, I thought you were fabulous before.  But hey, if it makes you happy, I’m all for it.

Rachel:  How can you not love Caroline?  She’s fully owning her being a bitch this season.  See, Teresa, that’s how you own your shit.  Holy crap!  Lauren looks amazing!  I’m not going to lie, I hate the whole lap band thing, but there’s no denying she looks great.  I’m also glad to hear her owning her bad attitude.  She was hard to watch this season.  Why are we even asking Teresa about Caroline’s parenting?  Oh right, to stir up more shit.  Sorry, I forgot.  Wow, see when you start calling out people’s looks, you have just stooped to a level so low that you’re not worth even responding to.  Teresa is officially a bitter old cow.  Tell her off, Lauren, but don’t go after her kids.  That’s not cool.  Look, we all think the same things you’re saying, but it’s actually sad that her kids are in the middle of all this.  Uh, I was loving the whole Napalm thing, but what the hell did Lauren just spell?

Wannabes 

I would never want to be you – especially in that ugly dress.

Melissa’s What Happened:  So Teresa did a story with InTouch where she apologized to everyone.  As if a magazine apology is sincere.  HA, point to Melissa with “I’m sick of talking to your weave.  Can you turn around?”  Girl, you must have been sharpening your talons in the past year.  Then, just in case we all forgot that Melissa copies everything Teresa does,  she calls Melissa out for wearing the eye shadow Teresa wore last season.  Oh, now Caroline wants to be Teresa too – I’m really not sure how that came about.  I have to be honest here, friends.  I keep finding myself watching this, wide-eyed trying to follow along, realizing 5 minutes have passed and I can’t figure out what just happened. So, I rewind my DVR only to be caught in the same wide-eyed confusion the second, and yes, the third time.

Rachel:  And here we go again with going at each other about their weaves and their glitter eyeshadow.  I feel like I’m watching Mean Girls 3: When Housewives Attack.  This is pure nonsense and I’m getting physically embarrassed for myself for watching.  Teresa seriously has the ego the size of Trump Tower… or just Trump himself.

Kathy Gets a Say

Melissa’s What Happened:  Finally, Kathy gets a few words in.  NO, oh, I can’t believe they had to show Rich’s fish comment again.  No, sorry, Kathy… We get turned again back to Teresa and how much better her Joe is than Kathy’s husband, Rich.  Really Bravo, can you please stop letting Teresa run rampant across this show?  Kathy’s dessert line should be coming out soon, and good on her, I have to say.  Glad to see sister is doing it for herself.  Whoa, Teresa just called Kathy a piece of shit for showing up at her book signing?  OK, again I’m sorry.  That just went all sorts of out of control.  And what’s with Teresa running over to Caroline and Jacqueline’s side of the sofa while she continues to argue with Kathy over I’m not sure what because the decibels have became too loud and my brain can’t process.  Right, OK, Kathy called Teresa’s mother a liar.  I swear, I had to wait for the commercial break to process it all.  Caroline actually tries to help Teresa by asking her how the comment made her feel as a way to show her how her comments make others fee.  Nice try but Teresa isn’t listening to Caroline.  Nope she’s too busy retaliating for Kathy’s comment about her parents by smack talking Kathy’s father.  Oh snap, Rosie is backstage getting all sorts of pissed off because Teresa claims her own father was there more than Kathy’s.  She’s threatening to cut out Teresa’s tongue.  Oh boy,  it’s going to be a throwdown when Rosie hits the stage… Too bad we have to wait until next week for that, the boys and Kim D.  

Rachel:  Yeah, let me just say for the record, that no one wants to see, let alone participate in, a competition for the ladies between Joe Guidice and Rich Wakile.  No one.  Wait, I’m confused.  Kathy just said she went to Teresa’s book signing to support her and that elicits a “you’re a piece of shit” from Teresa?  WTF?  I missed the insult there.  OK, Kathy, enough with the parent insults though.  That’s WAY below the belt.  Did you get Botox in your brain?  And you can’t be mad at Teresa for bringing up your parents if you just brought up hers.  What is wrong with these women?

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  That was just horrible.  These women have lost all sense of decorum…. except Caroline.  Always the pillar.  This show is so jumping the shark as we speak.

Melissa:  I don’t know about the rest of you, but for real I’m exhausted after that, and it was only part 1.  I’m about ready to head for a corner and start rocking and mumbling to myself.  Well, after I shoot back the remainder of my glass of Macallan in an attempt to sooth my jagged nerves.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Finale: Strip Down Memory Lane

Posted on September 24, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  The Jersey ladies never go out with a whimper, do they?

Our Thoughts:

I can’t believe I let Kim D convince me this was a good idea.

Rachel:  The end is near!  And for once, that’s a great thing.  I can’t wait for this season to be behind us.  Sorry to all you Jersey fans out there, but this season has been a slow painful march toward this moment.  So forgive my joy in its arrival.  Seriously, there wasn’t one new storyline introduced this season.  More of the same.  More of the pain.  So now it’s time for the annual Posche Fashion Show and the required drama that ensues.  This year it’s Strippergate 2012.  Was Melissa a stripper?  I don’t know, but I also don’t really see how it matters at this point.  Besides, I looked up the strip club Lookers…. yes, I actually looked something up… and the girls wear bikinis.  There are no tatas on display on display.  So now, who really cares?  If you pour a drink or dance in a bikini in a gentlemen’s club, either way you’re selling your sexuality for tips.  So why are we even having this argument? To me, no nipples = no news.  Trademark that!  Anyway, let’s watch the nonsense.

Melissa:  Yes, it’s back to the Posche Fashion show where we’ll find out what’s been keeping us all up at night.  Was Melissa a stripper??  Oh dear me… Whatever will happen?  Really?  According to my partner’s awesome sleuthing skills she worked at a bikini bar.  OK, so we’re at a “no big deal” there.  Let’s be honest here, it’s almost taboo for a Housewife NOT to have been a stripper at some point.  I could really care less if she was or wasn’t.  Melis, I think I can speak for my fellow friends here, and say we collectively couldn’t care less.  There it is.  Now that we’re done with that, I’m less than enthused to wait through this entire “stripper outing” episode before I can watch SyFy’s Haven that I just spied on my list. Let’s get this show on the road so I can get to the other goodies on my DVR.

Posche

That dress wouldn’t even look good on a stripper.

Melissa’s What Happened: Let’s pick up right back where we left off with skeeve-ball Angelo talking to Melissa.  Teresa still looks on trying to catch Melissa slip up, while Kathy sees the sleaze for what it is and thinks he needs to move on.  Yes, and Teresa’s heart is beating 500 again.  Yeah, because Melissa didn’t get caught up in your trap.  HA!

As the clothes roll down the runway, Jacqueline notices Teresa isn’t enjoying herself.  Yeah, because she can’t believe Melissa didn’t give up the goods during her run-in with smarmy.  Melissa heads to the bathroom followed by Teresa to make sure there’s a proper stripper call-out.  “Who was that guy?”, oh come on Teresa.  There we go.  She worked as a bartender at a bikini bar for him.

Rachel:  My DVR didn’t record the first 5 minutes for some reason.  I guess it couldn’t handle what New Jersey considers fashion and decided to block it.  Too bad it couldn’t wait a few minutes more so I didn’t have to watch Kim D and her terrible weave scream about having f**ing fun.  Ah, this chick’s a class act from head to toe.

Oh Teresa, why pretend you didn’t know who Baldy was?  You’re obviously going to get busted on that and it’s just going to play against you.  Either keep your mouth all the way shut or let all the worms out of the can.  Middle roading it is just going to look bad… But that’s your thing isn’t it?  Just say it… There we go.  See, this should be the end of it.  He said shit.  Teresa knew it wasn’t true.  Melissa agrees it’s not true.  Everybody goes home.  Why are we making it a federal case?  And see, it is a bikini bar… though now I’m mad I even bothered looking it up.  But I’m starting to get the feeling that she wants Melissa to go ape shit and cause a scene so everyone will hear the words “Melissa” and “stripper” in the same sentence.  But again, no nipples = no news!

Mics in the House

Melissa’s What Happened:  Ah, and this is what I love about Bravo… The mics are EVERYWHERE!!

Angelo:  “Anyway, Melissa… used to dance for me.”
Girl:  “Shut the f*** up!”
Angelo:  “You know, like… Now Teresa knew about it too.  Yeah, so”
Angelo:  “Anyway, Johnny calls me up and says something like Kim and Teresa want to blow the whistle on her.  Because she plays the ‘holier than thou’.  They had me do this thing, ya know… ‘Melissa! Wow, I almost didn’t recognize you.’ ‘You look fabulous.’  

That’s right kids… Those Bravo peeps… They know how to mic a room!  The NFL sideline mics have nothing on these clever Bravo sound techs!

So while all this is going on, Jacqueline gets a text that there’s some business going down and not to leave.

Rachel:  Uh oh, no one told Baldy that the mic on his chest is always recording.  So Theresa was part of the scheme.  I’m not surprised.  Though I have to admit, part of me thinks that it’s really Bravo that’s behind this all.  I mean even though Teresa’s been a giant pain in the ass this season, there hasn’t been anything nearly as dramatic as the table flipping or extension pulling or baptism brawling like in days of yore.  So, let’s come up with a way to blow the roof off the joint before everyone in the audience falls asleep.  Seriously, that’s where my vote is going.  I mean they gave him a mic pack so all of what he said would be recorded.  And how would Jacqueline’s friends know what’s going down to be texting her unless there was a reason for them to know?  Shady doings people.  Shady doings.

Back to the Ambush

You owe me a new watch for putting up with this BS

Melissa’s What Happened:  So anyway, Teresa and Melissa are still in the ladies room where Teresa is still trying to get Melissa to give up the goods on her past.  That’s right Melissa, she didn’t really have your back or she would have told Guido to walk on.  Melissa, you smart girl, call Teresa’s bluff and call the hubby.  I like this side of you… I like it a lot!!

On the phone, Joe is ready to head to the bar to defend his wife’s honor. because if anyone is going to disrespect his lady, it’s going to be him.  Meanwhile, Jacqueline is getting the dirt on what’s about to go down.  Teresa tries to pretend to confront Kim about Angelo, but let’s just say she’s not going to be up for an Emmy for that performance.  Teresa tries to retreat back to the table and pretend she’s not a part of any of it.  Kathy points out that if it were truth Angelo would have stayed to defend himself.  Lauren takes a minute to say she has a bad feeling and thinks maybe she should leave.  Ya think Lauren?  We’re all smelling another Posche fiasco.

Rachel:  Point to Melissa – Yes, Teresa should have told Baldy to beat it the second he walked up.  But I really don’t get why Melissa wants to call her husband to come and deal with it if she doesn’t care what the guy has to say.  The best thing she could do would be to go back to the table, finish her drink and have a good time.  Not even acknowledge the drama.  Or better yet, finish her drink and then leave.  Just as long as the drink gets finished…

Go with your gut Lauren.  Leave.  It’s really hard to believe anything Teresa says when she keeps churning the pot.

Denial

Melissa’s What Happened:  And here’s Kim trying to claim she doesn’t know him and play it all off as ridiculous.  You don’t know him?  Yeah, we all believe that as much as we believe in that weave of yours.  Here’s a question, if you don’t know him, Kim, how did he get the invite to your party?  Oh Melissa, you are really getting some street cred with me tonight with your “shut up and take a walk” to Kim.  You go girl.  I’ll tell you what, on that note, I don’t give a crap at all that you were or weren’t a stripper.  I’ve just jumped on the Team Melissa bandwagon – where are my pom-poms?

While Teresa is off having a shot with her BIL and Kim, Caroline gets Lauren’s phone to see what’s what with the texts.  She can’t believe what’s happening.  You can’t?  Come on, it’s Teresa and it’s the finale.  How else is she going to sell stories to inTouch?

Rachel:  Oh Kim D, stop apologizing.  You’re as fake as those lips of yours.  I love that Melissa told her to take a walk at her own party.  Ha ha… And it doesn’t help Teresa’s cause to then get up & do a shot with her & her brother-in-law.  But she’s an idiot so I don’t really expect her to make a better decision.

Fresh Air

Melissa’s What Happened:  The ladies all head outside for air and Kathy needs to talk to Melissa to understand what happened.  Melissa spills what went down with Teresa in the bathroom.  Kathy doesn’t care what Melissa may have done in the past. It’s between her and Joe, but wants to know what kind of devil wants to ruin Melissa and Joe’s relationship.  The kind that wears hot pink sequins.

Rachel:  Thank you, Kathy.  That’s exactly right.  It’s no one’s business who did what when.  It’s between Joe & Melissa.  Anyone else who cares needs to get a life.  Like me, who is sitting here watching this nonsense.

The Calvary-ish

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile, Caroline and Jacqueline are talking about a set-up of some sort when they hear Rich doing his best “Yo, Adrienne” impersonation as he and Joe Gorga arrive.  Yep, things are going to get ugly… And quite frankly that’s why we watch.  Caroline tries to calm Joe down and talk him out of going inside to look for Angelo, while Jacqueline tells Melissa that she heard there was going to be a set-up and she thinks Teresa is involved.  Melissa, the reason she’s doing it now is because she can’t have anything not be about her.  Joe wants go talk face-to-face with Angelo to find out why he would say things about Melissa.

Rachel:  Wait, now you’re concerned that your husband is there and he has a bad temper?  Did that just occur to you?  I mean you were the one that called him and told him to come.  And really, with Rich?  What’s he gonna do?  The most hilarious thing is that Baldy never actually used the word “stripper”.  Listen to Caroline, Joe.  Be the bigger person and let it go.  Dude’s not even there.  And Jacqueline, do you need to throw gasoline on the fire?  This would be a good time to go back to sleep.  Wait, what does Pete have to do with this?  I mean he’s a Giudice and that’s enough, but I missed that whole part of the conversation.  And now this John dude from the salon says that Baldy just worked for him for one day?  The day Teresa & Kim D came in?  Huh?  Wow, these people are not good at strategic storytelling.  Hey, Melissa got the fool me once line right!  She’s the first!  And did the brother-in-law just rat Teresa out when he hugged her? I couldn’t quite understand what he said, but it sure sounded like it.

I Got This

Listen, I have this much drink left inside, make it fast.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa and Teresa get into a back and forth as Teresa tries to pretend that she was going to handle it.  Melissa tells her she knows she was being set-up, but Teresa wants proof and to know who is talking smack.  Melissa declares she is never going to be fooled by Teresa again.  Oh, now wait a moment here kids.  Did you all hear that?  Teresa has her next argument against Melissa because she had nothing to do with the “set up” and Melissa is just saying that to “ruin the family”.  Holy crazy lady!  You all know that’s going to take this feud through another season and a half.  It’s all Melissa’s fault.

Kim comes out to find out what is happening.  Joe knows she was involved so he starts to shoot his mouth off telling her to get away from him.  Of course that sets Kim off who has to remind Joe he’s nothing and she plays with the big dogs.  OK, I have to stop for a second.  Now really, who wouldn’t be cracking up if you saw this altercation outside a restaurant?  Seriously?  Kim is certifiable!!  It’s her fashion show and he needs to get out of there!  Priceless.

Rachel:  Oh here goes Joe’s Napoleon Complex into high gear.  Someone just shove him in the car.  And someone shove Jacqueline in the car.  Nothing good can come from them spouting off like ruptured water lines.  I mean it’s not like you walked into Disneyland and something bad happened.  You walked into a situation that has historically been mass hysteria expecting to be the exception when you’re just the rule.

Doppelgänger Theory

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile we have another backstory for Joe’s cheating… It’s really his brother.  You know, since they look so much alike.  Oh, and that phone call in Napa?  They had his brother mic’d… that was him too.

Make it Go Away

I have had enough!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Still outside, Joe continues to rant and rave about Melissa being set up.  Teresa stays inside so she doesn’t need to deal with anything.  In her confessional, Jacqueline says Teresa knew for 2 weeks about all of this and is trying to set Melissa up because she’s a gold-digging copycat.  Lauren reminds Caroline that Teresa had told her before that Melissa was a stripper.  Oy, this is crazy.  Well, it’s also clearly setting us up for some good reunion next week.  Jacqueline tells Melissa she’ll forward the messages to Melissa and Joe to see what went back and forth.  Teresa meanwhile confronts Jacqueline about setting Melissa up.  Hey, wait a minute, is this Jacqueline growing a backbone?  Could it be?  How the hell is Teresa claiming this is Jacqueline’s fault?  Lord that woman lives in some crazy alternate universe doesn’t she?

Melissa tries to get Joe to shame Teresa for her involvement, but instead starts a fight in the middle of the street.  Meanwhile Caroline is trying to get Jacqueline out of the fray and away from Teresa.  I think, Caroline, that should have been the plan 20 minutes ago.  

Rachel:  Oh boy, Jacqueline.  You had better be right that Teresa was standing there when Baldy said he was going to embarrass Melissa because that’s a whole lot of crazy you’re about to start.  And all of this over a job a decade ago at a bar that doesn’t even have STRIPPERS!!!  These people are bananas.  Jacqueline, you should have just stayed out of it.  See, now you’re face to face with Threehead who’s looking for anyone possible to divert the blame.  This is just silliness.  Total silliness.  I mean who gives a rat’s ass at the end of the day?

I love that this is all now Jacqueline’s fault.  It’s Kim D’s fault and it’s probably Bravo’s and maybe it’s Teresa’s.  And after that, I don’t know and I don’t care.  If a girl wants to dance on a table in a bikini to make some cash, so what.  So now Jacqueline’s a stripper too?  And wow, yet another c-bomb.  These Giudices sure like to throw that around.  BTW, I’m pretty sure most of these lades aren’t rocking the most polished pasts either.

So THAT’S What Happened

Melissa’s What Happened:  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL… WE DON’T CARE!  Now if she was a dancer who sacrificed puppies and kittens as part of her act, then I might think less of her, but really, still not so much on the caring.

And now we know what happened before last season’s reunion.

Rachel:  Who knew last year’s reunion was 12 hours after the Posche show?  Well, we probably did but I don’t remember.  It could be 12 hours later for me and I wouldn’t remember.

Season Wrap Up:

  • Now we know why Jacqueline wasn’t at the last Reunion, it was filmed right after the Fashion Show.
  • Caroline hasn’t spoken to Teresa since the reunion
  • Lauren lost 35 pounds and Cafface is thriving
  • Albie and Lindsey aren’t dating.  Not to be mean here, but I’m sure this world of cray-cray sent her running for the hills.
  • Kathy’s cannoli kit goes on sale this year.
  • Victoria realized dorm life would suck and is staying closer to home for school.
  • Kathy and Teresa have been texting.
  • Melissa’s “How Many Times” made it to #4 on iTunes and they put their house on the market to move away from Teresa.
  • Teresa wrote another book and Joe is still waiting to hear if he’ll do time.
  • Teresa hasn’t seen her brother since the fashion show and apologized to the ladies (except Kathy) in a magazine.
  • Jacqueline had a bit of a nervous breakdown after the show and decided to focus on her family.
  • Jacqueline and Teresa haven’t seen each other since the fashion show.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Oh that was ridiculousness.  It seems like a whole lot of contrived nonsense for nothing.  But let’s be honest, Melissa was looking for a reason to stop liking Teresa and Teresa was looking for a reason to start talking smack again… They both got their wish.  As for my wish, I wish that they would figure out how to write a new storyline for next season.  But I am glad that Kathy’s cannoli are going to be in stores.

Melissa:  Wow, that was one hell of a finale, and I can’t wait for the reunion, I have to be honest.  Here’s a sneak: “You’re a liar, you’re sick and you’re going to hell.”

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