Tag Archives: Belize

One Sentence Summary:

t’s Fantasy Suite time and Ben is looking forward to spending the night with each of the remaining ladies in order to take the relationship to “new levels”.

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Aw yeah, it’s Fantasy Suite time… Time to take these relationships to the next level.  And by level, we’re speaking of the horizontal kind.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Are we supposed to pretend that there’s nothing but heady conversation and spooning going on behind closed doors?  I love that this show is promoting an overnight hotel stay as a way to show a man you are committed to him even though there are two other women also spending the night with him.  I also love that the women pretend to be surprised when they get the invitation.  Oh my, an overnight date… Whatever will she do?  We already know Courtney is going to accept the key.  They’re all going to.

And do we really have to watch a sneak peek of Emily?  Do we?  I think it’s just going to serve as a barrier to my actually watching the season.   Can’t you just introduce us to the new Dancing With The Stars contestants like you did last season?  Please…

Deep Thoughts

Ooh la la, they set him up at the Regent Beverly Wilshire.  Yes, that would be the Pretty Woman hotel.  And yes, I know that just from the front door and the steps.  And not because I have a past resembling that of one Vivian Ward  – though I wouldn’t be mad if a man wanted to send me on a shopping spree down Rodeo Drive – but because I have attended many a function there so I’m familiar.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Anyway, Ben is nervous he’s going to make a big mistake, which is funny that he uses the future tense being this this has been the long and winding road of mistakes.  Let me just tell you that I would pay a grip of cash to be a fly on Ben’s wall as he has watched this season from home.

As Ben thinks about the girls he says that Nicki is the dark horse… How lucky for her.  Lindzi is a little bit county and a little bit city and she wears them both well.  I would have given him so much credit if he had busted out a little Donny & Marie “She’s a little bit country.  She’s a little bit rock-n-roll”, but he’s not that cool.  He’s falling in love with Lindzi….(And by Lindzi, he means Lindzi’s family.)  She’s a little bit nerdy and that’s why he holds her in such high regard.  Nerdy?  I’m sorry, nerdy?  Does he actually know what that word means?  Here’s an adjective for you Ben:  idiot.

But he won’t really know how he feels until he gets to “majestic, magical” Switzerland… Do men actually use those words?  And, I call shenanigans on the biker look.  Sorry, Fonzi, you’re not pulling it off.

The Hills Are Alive

OK, I’m just noticing how small Ben’s hands are.  Just noticing.  Not drawing any conclusions… That would be small-minded of me and I feel inadequate to make any judgements.  Just sayin…

The date:  Nicki & Ben are seeing Switzerland by helicopter.  What a novel idea.  A helicopter ride.  The producers are really just phoning it in this season. But the scenery is stunning.  Oh he did not just say they were going to new heights while in a helicopter.  No, I reject that totally.  Apparently the pilot didn’t appreciate it either because he just pulled the helicopter into a vertical drop that put the fear of God in them both.  Nice move!  Tip o’ the hat sir.

Holy mother, it’s like the Truman Show in Switzerland.  That background doesn’t look real.  I keep thinking someone’s going to roll the backdrop aside and we’ll see they’re actually just sitting on a stage in Los Angeles.  Ben tells Nicki that her dad reminded him a lot of his own dad and there we have it; Nicki’s got daddy potential.  Let’s be honest, this picnic would be Kacie B’s had daddy greeted Ben with a bottle of wine instead of disapproving handshake.  Anyway, back to the date.  Nicki is telling Ben how much she loves him and how excited she is to be with him.  How much does it have to suck to be on a date where you have to spend 90% of it telling the guy how fabulous he is and getting nothing in return? Oh, I’m sorry you get Ben’s smoldering stares and gentle kisses.   If there’s a gift better than that, I don’t know it.  {{{ eye roll }}}

For the second part of the date, they are having dinner in a real log cabin.  OK, that’s pretty cool.  Ben, sensing that the conversation may have started to wander, redirects back to himself.  How do you see yourself in my world?  What would you do on the weekends?  Will you be a level 5 clinger?  She just says a lot of words about San Francisco and excitement but I am pretty sure she didn’t actually answer any of the questions.  She wonders how many kids he wants and then wonders if that’s too forward.  She said I love you but worries if asking how many kids he wants is too forward?  Seriously?  Usually these are things people talk about before the love thing comes up.  Don’t they?  Wait, he wants 4 kids??? My uterus just shuddered.  I’d need a constant intravenous of wine to have four kids.

Time for the faux Fantasy Suite surprise.  They should just call it the Booty Knocking Suite.  She accepts the overnight date and off they go. The room is glowing from the light of a roaring fire and dozens of lit candles. See this is why it never works in real life… Because in real, there’s no one to light the candles and set up the pillows and start the fire before you get home.  Nope, in real life, your evening is generally lit by the glow of the microwave and the TV.  Seriously, the stark reality of life after 6 weeks of this has to be jarring.  No wonder it doesn’t work when the cameras stop rolling and there is no one producing your life.  Side bar:  If that hot tub starts changing colors, I’m changing the channel.  The wine and heat of the tub seems to have gone to Nicki’s head because she is now just babbling incessantly.  She has got to stop talking.  Please make her stop talking.  Please.  You know it’s bad when I’m actually praying that they start making out just to silence her jabbering.   They do and the rest of the evening is left to our imaginations… If that’s what you choose to do with your imagination.

More New Heights

Lindzi & Ben meet in Zermatt, Switzerland for another adrenaline date.  Really?  Yawn.  Phoning it in, I tell ya.  Today’s challenge for the acrophobics among us is  rappelling down a cliff.  Good thing she wore exactly none of the appropriate attire to climb down the side of a mountain.  And yes, Ben, we know that it will bring you closer together when you jump off a mountain.  I wonder what he’ll do when they get home?  I need to make sure you still love me… Quick, run down to the aquarium and jump into the shark tank!

Wait, isn’t rappelling actually using your legs to lower yourself down the side of a mountain?  They’re just being lowered down on a pulley.  You know the dudes running the contraption are laughing at them the whole way down.  Wait, he just said that he loves her.  Not I’m falling in love with her.  That’s a biggun.  And yes, I just drank the Bachelor kool-aid.  Look, I was thirsty.  It was there.  What do you want from me?

At the end of the “rappel”, there is a hot tub waiting.  How handy!  Getting to the human soup portion of events before the fantasy date card.  Saucy!  Wait, did she just smell her armpit?  No seriously, I think she did.  Smooth, honey.  We’re subjected to more talk of how much she feels for him and how she feels really good about letting her guard down with him.  Blah blah blah… Let’s go to dinner, shall we?

At dinner Lindzi says you have to suffer good old fashioned heartbreak to know real love.  Hmmm… OK, I’ll give her that one.  After more of the same, Ben presents Lindzi with her Fantasy Suite care.  Of course she accepts the suite, she’s in it to win it.  We all know you go home if you say no.  Ben keeps telling us that accpeting the overnight tells you where you stand.  Doesn’t it tell you where you, um, lie?  It’s a great ploy though because it works every time.  I guess he did it all for the nookie.  Yeah, I went there.  Wow, that really is an amazing room.  I shall dub this the Fantastical Suite.  She says she is happy that she let Ben in so much.  Yeah, we bet you are.  Wink wink.  She’s taking risks.  And he sees himself with her (and her daddy) for the rest of his life.

Under My Spell

Aw lawd, it’s that time, isn’t it?  It’s time for Courtney’s date and they’re meeting in the town of Interlaken.  Interlaken… LOL… Appropriate name for Fantasy Suite time.  Yeah, we be “interlaken” tonight.  Yeah, I went there too.  Sorry, they’re making it way too easy for me to take the cheap shots tonight.  I’ll stop now.  Well, I’ll try.

Seriously, Courtney makes me want to rip my hair out with that incessant baby talk.  OK, more like rip her hair out.  One strand at a time…   Ben & Courtney see the town on a nice warm train.  How come Courtney hasn’t had to jump off a mountain or out of a helicopter?  Doesn’t she have to prove herself?  What’s up with that?  They say the that the scenery looks like Fairy Tale Land… How appropriate since you’re living in Fairy Tale Land thinking you have chance at finding real love on this show.

Courtney loves just spending the day with him shopping and sightseeing and hanging out.  She thinks this is what their life would be like.  No honey, it would not.  You’re not going to have ABC paying for you two to travel the world and eat cheese.  If that were the case, I’d have sold my soul and signed up years ago.  Your life would be you whining about all the things you’re not getting and him drinking non-stop to try and shut-out your incessant baby talk.

During lunch, Courtney addresses her behavior with the other girls.  She says she feels badly for treating the girls badly at times.  She doesn’t feel bad about it.  At all.  She feels badly that she got caught.  And somehow she’s the victim as she tells it.  But Ben doesn’t want to discuss it because they are having a good time.  My lord, he has such a separate set of standards for her than he does for the other girls.  I’m now hoping he picks her because he deserves every minute of hell she is going to put him through.

At dinner, Courtney tries again to explain away her behavior.  She is treading water so hard right now.  There is a lot of crazy paddling going on underneath even though it looks all serene on top.  And she is now saying her bad behavior is because of trust issues.  She’s not being fake with him.  He gets to see the real Courtney.  This should be the time the alarms go off and he realizes she’s crazy.  But no.  He says that he’s not concerned about her being fake.  He’s concerned about hearing those other things from the girls.  He needs support from her.  Ugh, he’s such the girl in this relationship.  He also says that he has lots of women friends… his mom and his sister… and he needs that when they get home.  Courtney says she gets that but there’s more good than bad in their relationship.  And that answers his concerns how?   Of course he doesn’t care that she in no way, shape or form acknowledged his need for her to accept the women in his life.  He’s such a sucker.  I’m seriously waiting for her to turn to the camera and laugh maniacally.

OK, let’s get on with the Fantasy Suite, which Ben says is a big step for them. How is the Fantasy Suite a big step after you’ve gone skinny dipping?  Ben asks how she feels about that and she answers by asking him how he feels.  This bitch is good.  If I didn’t have to look at her make those weird faces or hear her baby talk, she’d make an amazing Bachelorette.  Imagine it… Bachelorette: Black Widow Edition.

That Tricky Thing Called Closure

Oh right, I totally forgot that Kacie B comes back.  They kept trying to convince us that it was Courtney in the previews but didn’t we all know it was Kacie B.  Is it contractual now that someone comes back every season?  Though I do like Kacie B.  She’s a much better surprise than Bentley… or Shawntel.  Kacie flew all the way to Switzerland to get some answers.  I’m assuming one of those answers would be to last week’s question of “What the f**k just happened?”  There’s part of me that gets the “getting answers” thing and there’s the part of me that says, do you need to hear why someone doesn’t like you?  He picked three women over you.  Kinda pretty much all you need to know.  Please take what’s left of your dignity and don’t knock on Ben’s hotel room door.  No, stop.  Stop, I say!  And she knocks.

After Ben throws a “holy shit” in her face and begrudgingly lets her in, she tells him that she was so stunned by what happened last week at the rose ceremony because she really felt a connection with him. He says they are worlds apart about where they come from.  Told you it was the family!  He also says he couldn’t give her all of the things she needed.  She replies that she knows that her family is conservative but she is her own woman.  She feels like if she & Ben would have had the chance to talk after the home date, they could have sorted through some of this.  Ben is unmoved.  And here’s my favorite part:  He has the balls to say to her, “Did I see you being there in the end?  No.”  What a douche.  He was protecting her?  More like he was protecting his new daddy fantasy.

But Kacie’s not done…  Before she leaves and goes gently in to the night, she pulls a “Now that you don’t want me, let me take Courtney down.”  Muhahahaha….  Nice touch.  Ben is not pleased with this being that he just finished convincing himself Courtney was genuine.  He walks Kacie out and can’t shut the door behind her fast enough.  Poor Kacie is overcome by the vapors and has to take a moment… on the hotel floor.  Aw, Kacie B, peel yourself off that disease-ridden carpeting and come on over.  I’ll pour you a bourbon and we can share a sad story.

Rose Ceremony

Chris sits down with Ben before the ceremony and talks about Ben’s week.  Ben was having a great week until Kacie B showed up.  Now, he’s confused and bothered.  Chris asks if he wants Kacie B to be in the rose ceremony.  Ben says no.  He doesn’t want Kacie in the ceremony because he’s mad at her.  He’s mad at her for ruining his image of Courtney.  And he still hates her family.  OK, he said no he feels like he had a good week with the other women and stands by that.  Chris asks Ben, “Where’s your head at?”  Uh, that would be up Courtney’s ass, Chris.

Staying:  Lindzi  & Courtney

Going:  Nicki… and Kacie B for the second time

God he’s a fucking idiot.  Pardon my French, but it was warranted.  Though Nicki didn’t do herself any favors by wearing that dress.  Girl, that was not your best look.  And how about Courtney getting all huggy with Nicki?  So fake.  I liked her better when she was heinous.  Well, openly heinous.

Bottom Line: 

Next week it’s reunion time and the girls tell all.  I wonder if Blakeley will bring her Ben storybook.

One Sentence Summary:  The ladies put their families on best behavior during Hometown Dates as to ensure some Fantasy Suite time next week.

Our Thoughts:

Melissa:  It’s Hometown Dates Week!!  This is the best week of the entire show… Well, provided there are some crazies in the family gene pool.  If I ever did something like this, my Dad would be ALL OVER the Hometown Date.  Picture Bad Boys 2:  Marcus and Michael – when Reggie comes over to pick up Marcus’s daughter Megan for a date… Yeah, my dad would have the whole family (second cousins and all) in on something!  He would roll up to the door in a belly shirt or pink leggings just to F with the poor guy.  THAT is what I want from a Hometown Date!

Rachel:  Oh boy, hometown dates! Time to meet the parents and watch them pretend to take this process seriously.  I just love that so many parents play along with this charade.  Judging from the previews, it seems some of the parents aren’t exactly charmed by Ben & this situation, but we know how they like to play us on the previews.  The odds of my parents agreeing to even be on TV are slim, let alone getting them to play along while some guy who is dating three other women and talking about getting engaged to me after 4 weeks of dating.  Pretty sure that would go over like a ton of bricks.  I would pay money to have just one parent sit down to dinner and tell them they were out of their minds.  Cash.

A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course

What Happened:  Lindzi gets the first hometown date and welcomes Ben to lovely Ocala, FL.  As per her usual M.O., Lindzi gallops in on a horse and Ben is taken back to their first meeting all those days ago.  It’s Lindzi’s turn to teach Ben something and it’s how to drive a chariot.  Would have been great if she pulled the “danger factor” Ben loves so much and made him mount the horse from a height of about 15 feet as proof of his trust of the relationship.  He could then spend the evening nursing his family jewels while talking to her parents about theirs – Lindzi, of course.  Because we need more “share time”, they settle in for a picnic afterwards.  Over a glass of wine, Lindzi tells Ben that she is ready to let her guard all the way down and tell him that she’s falling in love with him.  Ben says he feels her walls coming down slowly and knows they have a special connection.  Yeah yeah, all this is well and good, but let’s meet the folks, shall we.  It’s what we’re here for.

Ben & Lindzi make their way to her house on their horse and chariot… Seems there’s quite a lot of property out there at the ol’ parents’… and Lindzi’s dad offers Ben a glass of Chardonnay before he can even shake a hand – a good sign for Ben, no doubt.  Seems he’s looking for someone he can turn to as a surrogate father.  Cue sentimental music.  After dad challenges them to chariot races (because that’s what we all do when we meet someone’s parents), Lindzi & Ben find out that her parents got married at City Hall in San Francisco, the site of their first date.  What a coincidence!  There’s no way that was planned!

Ben spends some time with Lindzi’s mom.  She tells him that Lindzi hasn’t dated much, but she’s ready to be in a real relationship.  Then it’s dad’s turn and Ben says he has strong feelings for Lindzi, but he’s not ready to propose.  This is music to dad’s ears and he’s clearly relieved to not have send Ben to the glue factory.  They finish the evening with more wine and some s’mores by an open fire, but it’s really the shine coming off of Lindzi’s unnaturally white teeth that lights up the night sky.  Ben leaves feeling really positive about his visit and Lindzi.. and by Lindzi, he means his new daddy.  

Melissa:  OK, is this where she lives… FOR REAL?  I hope she brings it for the date… I like this girl.  She’s been my girl since day 1.  Oh, it’s kismet: Ben and Lindzi had their first date at SF City Hall where Lindzi’s parents were married.  How cute are they to challenge Ben to a race… AND WIN!  Ben is winning the family over.  They’ve won me over… And then they finish with s’mores?  I love these folks!

Rachel:  Ocala Fl, yeah that’s Lady Hogger land, I believe.  Maybe.  Actually I’ve lived in Florida for 3 years and couldn’t pick Ocala out on a map if my life depended on it.  I will say it’s prettier than the part of Florida I live in…  Alright, I have to admit that I’m so bored with these “deep thoughts” dates already.  We know the script: Contestant… er, bachelorette says she’s in love or falling in love  to which Ben smiles & uses it as an opportunity to get a little first base action.  Can we just get to the family?  Thank you.  Wow, not even off the chariot and wine has been offered.  I like these people.  Mom lets it out that Lindzi doesn’t have much experience dating.  Scary news for a boy.  I gotta say that I’m glad to hear Ben say he’s not ready to propose.  It’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise.  Seriously, they really are having my most perfect evening; a roaring fire, wine & s’mores.  Shit, I’ll marry Lindzi.

Southern Hospitality 

What Happened:  Time to get down to the heartland and meet Kacie B’s family in Tennessee.   Ben arrives on a rainy day to be greeted by a marching band and Kacie showing off her majorette skills on the local football field.  Pretty sure this is the same date a teenager would go on.  Wonder if they’ll get nominated for Homecoming King & Queen.  Afterwards, Kacie & Ben sit in the bleachers and she wows him with the story about her grandfather who was a city councilman and a sporting goods salesman.  He was such a pillar of the community that the field where they are sitting is named after him.  This is where Ben says “Golly gee, Kacie B!” and asks if Goober is working at the gas station today too.  She also tells him that her grandfather & her grandmother passed away 6 months apart because her grandmother couldn’t live without him.  She died of broken heart.  That’s the kind of love she wants.  The kind that kills you?  Whatever floats your boat.  Ben is drinking it all in until he hears that’s all he’ll be drinking today.  Seems Kacie’s Prison Guard father doesn’t drink.  As she reminds him that they’re in the Bible Belt, you can see the light go out in Ben’s eyes.  What is a winemaker going to have in common with a man who doesn’t drink?  We don’t know but we’re dying to find out…

Ben & Kacie join her parents & sister for dinner where everyone sits on the same side of the table.  Awkward.  After Ben has had as much juice as a man can handle, it’s time to face the firing squad.  But first, Kacie pulls her sister aside and whispers (no, really) that she’s ready to marry Ben and move to California no matter what their parents say.  Are we sure Kacie’s not really a teenager with a room full of Justin Bieber posters?  As Kacie & her sister giggle over Kacie’s cute boyfriend, Dad tells Ben to please cut his daughter loose if he’s not really in love with her and Mom tells him that she won’t approve of Kacie living with him before marriage.  Anyone else see the panic on Ben’s face?  You can actually hear his heart beating out of his chest.  He spent the rest of the night in his hotel room making love to a bottle of wine and muttering, “Only you understand me, Cabernet.” We’re gonna venture to say that this Hometown Date didn’t go quite as well as the last one.

Rachel: Well, now that’s a welcome – an off-tune marching band in the rain.  Seems this date isn’t going to be quite as, um, casual as his date with Lindzi.  Going from wine-drinking horse wrangler to sober-as-Job prison guard… Yeow. Talk about taking the party down a few notches.  I’m thinking this all might be a little too podunk for Ben and that Kacie’s dad is probably not what he’s looking for as far as fill-in daddies go.  Hmmm anyone else think Kacie is digging rebelling against her parents as much, if not more, as she’s digging Ben?  I feel like I’ve dropped in on the middle of “Footloose 2: Tennessee Tango”.  Are we a moment away from Kacie telling daddy she’s not a virgin anymore?  And boy oh boy does her father not give Ben an inch.  I think Ben keeps picturing him with a semi-automatic rifle as Dad urges him to let her loose soon if she’s not the woman for him.  I know I am.  Mom also is not down to let her daughter move in with Ben before marriage.  Now I’m picturing her with a semi-automatic weapon.  Don’t let the practical haircut and Dress Barn sweater fool you.  She’s not messing around.  Dad tells Kacie to make every decision prayer-fully … Has he ever seen this show before?  They spend half the show in hot tub.  The only praying that happens is the morning after.  Yeah, I think this Bible Belt is a little too tight for Ben.  Kacie’s in trouble.

Melissa:  She greeted whim with a marching band?  Way to bring it!  Oh snap, Dad doesn’t drink.  Yeah, that won’t be an easy conversation – So, son, you make the hooch, huh?  Did I tell you hooch almost ruined my life!  Then he pulls out the shotgun and chases Ben from the house.  OK, maybe that’s just what I would like to have happen.  Side Note:  Are the camera operators drinking because these conversation scenes are over the place… Come on, drag a chair over or something to stabilize the shots!!  I’m getting motion sickness over here.  Whoa… Back up the bus… Mom doesn’t like the living together before marriage?   Um, OK.  Ben is not winning over the family it seems, but then again it’s hard when you don’t have the booze buffer.

Darling Nicki

What Happened:  Two down, two to go.  It’s time to meet Nicki down in Ft. Worth, TX for a half Lindzi (horses) half Kacie (southern) date.  Will this be the lucky combo?  Since we’re in Texas, we have to go shopping for cowboy boots and cowboy hats before we can meet the family.  How many times does this cliché need to play out?  Luckily, they find a hat that fits over Ben’s ears and they saunter down a dusty road for beers at the local saloon in this one-horse town.  Um, when did they step into a time machine and end up in 1865?  Perhaps the stark sobriety of Kacie’s home has made this saccharin sweet skip through town all that more hard to take.  It’s about as painful as staring at the sun.  Wait… Nicki starts talking about her divorce again and how hard she tried to make that work for two whole years.  OK, now it’s officially as painful as staring at the sun.  Her ex is the last person she brought home to meet her parents which is slightly scary for Ben to hear.  Sometimes Ben forgets that he’s supposed to be pretending to be in this for the ring.

At Nicki’s home, we meet her parents who are divorced but agreed to play nice for this little experiment.  There’s a brother there but he doesn’t utter a word and we have to wonder if he’s the neighbor’s kid rented out for the day so as to present us with a nuclear family.  Nicki & Mom head off to the bedroom to talk about Ben.  We’ll assume from the squealing & hugging that Mom is happy for her.  Out in the living room, Dad tells Ben that he thinks he let Nicki down by allowing her to get married so young.  He gets a little misty, which Ben isn’t sure is a quality he’s looking for in his search for a surrogate father… er, true love.  We’ll give this date a solid mediocre.  Better than Kacie but not as good as Lindzi.

Melissa:  So the last guy she brought home she married… Not too much pressure there, sweetie.  Ben gets his first cowboy boots and hat… And looks like a complete idiot.  Sorry Ben, you’re not rocking that look.  More sharing and warnings about the family and how much they love Nicki and don’t want her hurt (you know, since the first marriage didn’t end well).  Her parents really seem to love her and want her to be happy, and completely support these two crazy kids.  Another tender moment (eye roll) for Ben and Nicki and they are really starting to grow in their feelings for each other.

Rachel:  Wait, now we’re comparing finding the right cowboy boot to finding the right partner?  Seriously, I love me a metaphor but this is getting out of control.  Nicki says that with her first marriage she leapt into something she wasn’t ready for and she was sure they would grow together.  She’s tired of people telling her she gave up.  She gave her marriage a solid two years.  Really, two years?  A solid two years?  You loved this person enough to marry them after 3 years of dating and you gave it two years?  I have a feeling her ex’s story would be rather interesting. How can we make that happen?  Dad is getting teary over his little girl.  Aw, who’s a sweet dad?  I want to hug him.  Well, first, I want to kick his ass for thinking this is real, and then hug him after.

When In Doubt Plagiarize

What Happened:  Well, it’s no surprise they saved Courtney’s Hometown Date for last.  It’s like the 4th quarter of a football game.  The first three quarters were fun & exciting, but now the real drama happens.  Some will like the outcome.  Some won’t.  But either way, it will be painful.

We skip a tour of Scottsdale, AZ and spend a few moments learning that Courtney is suddenly worried about her behavior with the other girls.  Guess this is the part of her script that says “pretend to have a conscience.” No one’s buying what she’s selling.  Well no one other than Ben.  He does tell us that he is worried about her rubbing people in his life the wrong way.  How can he live with someone like that?  See: skinny dipping in Puerto Rico.  We think as long as she continues to rub him the right way, it will trump any wrong way rubs.

At least we get the band-aid ripped off right-away on this date and go straight to meeting the two people that spawned Courtney and unleashed her on the world. At dinner, Mom openly doubts this relationship and lets Ben know that she has the final word on who Courtney ends up with.  Dad tells Ben that marriage is a gamble with 50/50 odds and wonders if he’s ready to take that bet.  Does Dad hang out with Kenny Rogers?  Should Ben know when to fold ‘em, know when to hold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run?  Pssst, Ben… now would be the time to run.  But none of this phases Ben since he’s so deep in the fog that her parents sound a lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher to him.

After a short visit with the parents, Courtney takes Ben to a park that “coincidentally” is the place she’s always wanted to get married.  Wait, what’s that?  Can it be?  Yes, it can!  There is an actual wedding set-up that just happens to be right behind them.  Surprise Ben!  It’s time for your mock wedding!  Because nothing says, “I will boil your bunny” like a surprise mock wedding.  She tells Ben he needs to write his vows as she pulls a bow tie out of her purse.  Too bad Ben didn’t notice the heads of all of her ex-boyfriends in there.  Is the theme to Psycho playing in the background?  Ben actually goes along with this farce, which extinguishes any lingering bit of respect we had left for him.  After he reads her his vows, she lays a little plagiarized love on him.  Yep, Miss Courtney rips a few lines from Sex & The City and throws in a dash of Bob Marley’s “Is This Love” to tell Ben how she feels.  But Ben’s so far under her spell that she could have sang Kung Fu Fighting and he would have thought it was Shakespeare.  Seriously, whatever juju she put on him in that ocean in Puerto Rico should be bottled and sold.  Courtney makes Ben feel like a natural woman.  Are we actually still watching this show with any question about how this ends?

Rachel:  So, marriage is life’s greatest gamble.  Are you ready to make that bet, Ben?  What is this a game show?  Ben are you ready to make that bet or would you like what’s behind door #3?!?!  Take door #3, Ben!  Seriously, a year’s supply of Spaghettios would be a better option than a life waking up next to Courtney!  OMG, baby talk is genetic!  Mom does it too!  Wow, this is a lot of exclamation points! Sorry, I’m just astounded by the ridiculousness of it all.  I mean we’re really supposed to be rapt by the romance of having a fake wedding sprung on Ben as if it’s something any man on the planet would be stoked about?  Uh, holy freak show.  How has he not taken off running with his hair on fire?  I want to fast forward through this because I’m so uncomfortable, yet can’t seem to turn away.

Melissa:  Wait, Courtney feels bad for the way she behaved?  What?  Since when? Did she have an epiphany in the week she’s been home?  Her date seems to just kick right off with the family, no buffer time or anything… Baptism by fire I suppose.  I’m glad at least mom is skeptical… if only short lived.  They’re all on board for Ben.  Now we move into the “date chat” and Courtney is ready to move forward and get married… Literally.  Are you kidding me, you crazy ass woman?!  With an L-bomb and all!  Now he’s hooked, and rings are exchanged.  What he doesn’t know is that it was a real fake wedding and he’s actually married to cray-cray.

In Case You Missed It The First Time

What Happened:  Ben sits down with Chris Harrison to share and feel and emote like men are known to do.  Ben tells Chris about the dates which serves as a vehicle for us to relive what we just saw.  Now, we’re the ones hearing Charlie Brown’s teacher.

Melissa:  Ben’s thoughts are that Hometowns went well, and they will make his next decision difficult.  Yeah, didn’t see that coming.  Now let’s see the dates again in case we weren’t really paying attention earlier.  Well, truth be told I might have zoned out once and a while.  Tell me again how these ladies are making you start to have very strong feelings.

Rachel:  I cannot tell a lie.  I fast forwarded through this entire scene.  What?  A girl can only take so much when she’s sober & not allowed to drink the night before a doctor’s appointment.

Rose Ceremony

Staying:  Nicki, Lindzi and Courtney.

Going:  Kacie B.

Melissa:  Sorry Kacie B., but really, you’re on the Bachelor. It’s probably not going to be where you find your soulmate.  Sorry sweets, but that’s the way it is.

Rachel:  Poor Kacie B. can’t understand what happened.  Your family happened, darlin’.  Your family.  I think he likes you better than Nicki, but your dad made his manhood turtle up and cry for help.  And if that keeps happening, how’s he going to continue to get to know Courtney on a “deep” level?

Bottom Line: 

Melissa:  You know what I would love?  I would love to see one of these girls at a rose ceremony – after Courtney (or some other equally horrible person) gets a rose – hold up their rose and say, “Wait, I can’t.  If you’re the kind of person who considers spending your life with someone like that, you are not the person I think you are and you can have this back.”  Now THAT would be the most shocking rose ceremony ever!!

Rachel:  Lord, Ben is stupid.