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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 10 – The Men Tell All

Posted on July 17, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  Emily’s exes are back to try and retrieve some of their dignity, but Chris Harrison has other plans.

Yeah, you coulda had some of this facial hair.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:   Oh, look!  A room full of Emily’s rejects.  I wonder if the testosterone bouncing off the walls is so strong that a woman could get pregnant just being in that room.  Don’t know.  Don’t want to know.  But let’s be honest, they’ve all had time to watch themselves getting their egos handed to them and are back to reclaim their manhood… or hoods as it may be.  I’m especially interested to hear from Doug.  I want to know what watching oneself be the only guy that didn’t get lip felt like and how he’s going to ‘spain it.  Now, we all know I’m a big Doug fan and still think it was nerves and respect… But he really should have stepped his game up a few notches.  I’m sure Ryan & Kalon are going to get some airtime and say some provocative things, but I’m really not trying to hear anything out of either of them… ever.  And what’s the over/under on Chris’s level of bitterness? I’m going with him still being an 8.5 but is going to play it like 4.5 – besides he’s on Bachelor Pad this season and if there’s a better consolation prize, well I don’t know what it is.   Then there’s Sean… I’m starting to think I’m the only woman in America that doesn’t get his appeal.  Maybe he’ll change my mind tonight.  I doubt it, but maybe.  Well, at least I get two hours free of meals that no one eats.

Melissa:   Yes, the men are back to dish the dirt, or rather pull the “you did me wrong” er, wait… Is that the women?  At least we get to visit with Doug, whom I hope is faring well after his trip to Bachelorette-dom.  Unfortunately, the flip side of that bliss, is our douchebag bookends Kaylon and Ryan (insert eye roll and twitch).  OK, I’ll admit, I’m kind of hoping Ryan tries to pull his “you let THIS get away” and she just flat out tells him he’s an ass.  Oh, that’s what dreams are made of my friends… Dreams.  I digress, I know it’s really the show where we hear how happy Emily is with her choice and how they are building dreams of Disney proportions together & getting ready to ride off into the sunset… There’s a clue in there, my friends, as to my guess at Emily’s pick.  I’m kicking it with a little Two Hands Angel’s Share Shiraz tonight, so let’s bring on the men.

Memories…

Again we have to go through this? Even I’m sick of my story.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Holy crap, before the show even starts I’m already in shock.  What is with the mountains of make-up pancaked on these guys?  Are the lights brighter in that studio or did someone steal the make-up artist’s glasses?  I mean they’re a one sweep of sparkle eye shadow and a man-tuck away from being on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  And Ryan looks like he’s auditioning for the part of Pablo Escobar.  Spray tan much, Ry?  Woo…

Anyway, here we go with Chris’s worship at the altar of Emily.  Yes, she’s everyone’s favorite Bachelorette ever… Well, everyone except me.  I was partial to Jillian, but anyway…  Wait, what’s that?  A live finale?  Is that possible?  And on Sunday?  Dude, you’re messing with my schedule here.  I’m so confused.  I might need to switch to tea or I’ll never make it through to the end.

But we start with Chris interviewing Emily.  Isn’t she going to be there?  Why do we need to interview her twice?  Oh so we can see and hear about Ricki Bobby.  Seems having her at her home and the guys right down the street made it just like it would be if she were dating in real life.  Uh, I don’t know how you date, but I don’t generally keep a house of potential suitors down the street from me.  Though as I think about it, you might be on to something.  How do I make that happen?  How, I ask… We revisit Ryan’s chauvinism & trophy wife comments.  That hurt her feelings.  Then there’s Kalon and his helicopter arrival.  Oh wait, that’s not Kalon’s legacy… Right, it’s calling Ricki baggage.  She calls him out for being spiteful because he’s used to being a big fish in a small pond.  He’s just a douche.  Let’s be honest.  Big pond, small pond, out of the water flopping around on the floor, it’s all the same.  Oh boy, and now we have to see Doug kissing Emily as she’s breaking up with him.  Ah yes, reliving awkward.  Always fun.  Well, there we have 8 minutes of show that we will have to relive when each of those guy is interviewed.  Seriously, no one wastes more time than TV producers.

Melissa:  Yes, poor Emily, life had to be tough for you dating the men while going home at night to take care of Ricki Bobby.  We all feel for you, doting men declaring their love for you within 15 minutes of meeting you and then going back to “real life”.  Ryan’s dumb ass “you can’t gain weight” comment.  Oh the wonderful jackass he was.  Then his friend Kalon.  I love they’re going to rehash all the men with Emily then we’ll get the tour de force yet again in the studio with the “man-montage” all over again.

The Blooper Reel

You made me spill my wine. Sorry, but you won’t be getting a rose tonight.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Look, I’m happy to watch a blooper reel, but I don’t need it curated.  I don’t.  Oh no!  Perfect Emily spilled wine on her dress and swore!  Oh my goodness!  How terrible.  And to think I was concerned about starving children in Africa when Emily potentially ruined her favorite dress she got for free and then forget her perfect southern manners for a moment.  I need to get my priorities in order tout de suite!  Um, are they really singing to an egg?  See, if Travis had brought me into a room to sing a lullaby to an egg, he’d have been gone that night.  Well, the hair would have gotten him sent home as well.  LMAO – Arie’s brothers are spying on them making out.  That’s freaking hilarious.   What else do we get to see… Oh, poor Chris trying to dance.  Yeah, he shouldn’t do that.  Ever.

Melissa:  OK, I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, they really need to incorporate more of the behind the scenes for this show.  This shit is funny.

Bachelor Pad

Yeah, I’m back and I brought my guns.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Are the men actually there?  And if I had known I didn’t have to watch the first half an hour of this show, I probably would have anyhow.  Let’s be honest.  Ed!  Ed’s on the show!  I liked Ed.  Well, makes sense since Jillian was my fave bachelorette.  Oh why couldn’t those two make it work?  Oh yeah, they met on a reality TV show.  Anyway, you know the TWB will be watching and laughing and groaning along with you, all season.  I mean they’re making them do a spelling bee.  Is there going to be anything funnier than watching these people try and spell, especially Erica Rose?    I think not.  OK, we’re all watching.  Can we get to the men now?

Melissa:  Ugh, like I need to deal with a 10 minute promo of the crazy crying.  Oh wait, No Lip Chris  is on the BP??  Lindzi too?  Man, everyone is up for this business.  I guess a quarter of a million makes people put themselves up for mockery in the face of the bitches – not to mention the rest of the nation.

Recapping the Recap

Do you hear the mature words that are coming out of my mouth???


Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, some men… and the women go crazy for Sean.  Shiny head Sean.   Really?  Ugh, he’s so going to be the next Bachelor isn’t he?  That’s going to kill me.  The guys talk about getting out of the limo, or helicopter in Kalon’s case.  OK, so I don’t mind a recap if it’s of men getting catty and jealous.  We get to revisit Chris’s immaturity problem, Doug’s humility problem, Ryan’s machismo problem and Kalon’s arrogance problem.  Oh yes, what a pothole filled road it’s been.

After the guys get to relive their lowest moments, Chris admits that sometimes he was immature.  But it was only because he was freaking out.  Well, you were freaking out because you weren’t mature enough to handle the situation.  And you aren’t the only one that was in your 20′s, but you’re the only one who got your panties in a bunch about it.  But he flips it on Ryan and his attitude.  Kalon, sensing the opportunity to create an ally with “the other douche”, says that the guys were just threatened by Ryan and his humility.  Uh, did I miss the episode where Ryan showed humility?  I mean saw humiliation when he got sent home, but not humility.  Chris asks Kalon if he recognizes that rolling into a party the way he did was putting a target on his back.  Of course he doesn’t.  He is still confused as to why he was singled out because someone arriving in a helicopter would be someone he’d truly be interested in talking to.  But he does regret the baggage comment.  He wasn’t himself at that moment because he was frustrated and that process can get to a person (it’s not lost on anyone that he’s talking directly to Chris).  Charlie isn’t having it.  He was himself the whole time.  And his real self wanted to smack Kalon’s real self.  He’s also upset that he went home before Kalon went home.  Well, that’s not Kalon’s fault.  That might be your fault a weensy bit, no?  But then there’s Soul Patch Stevie who is proud to shove calling Kalon out to his face down his throat.  Look, I don’t like Kalon either but he’s not wrong that the guys were jealous that he showed up in a helicopter.  The rest… well that’s on him.

Melissa:  Oy, the recap – as if we haven’t been watching all season long.  At least Ryan has the sense to mock his own rooster-locks.  No Chris, they weren’t telling you they thought you were immature, though you are completely acting it right now.  AW LAWD, you need to take it down a notch.  Oh shut up, Kalon.  Yes, all of us were upset Charlie was set home before you.

The Kalon Chronicles

Say what you want, but I’m the one getting a feature segment and you’re not.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And in case you just missed that last segment or the opening segment, let’s watch Kalon’s greatest hits…. again.  Kalon says that when he signed up, he didn’t know who the Bachelorette was.  But when he found out it was Emily, he knew she had a child and that was a big issue for him.  Chris asks him why she showed up then.  Excellent question.  He says it would have reflected badly on his character to not show up.  Yes, because it reflected so well on your character showing up and openly not being thrilled about Ricki.  He tries to smooth over those wrinkles by saying that he’s an optimist and wasn’t 100% sure he didn’t want a stepchild.  No one believes you.  Chris also calls him out on being rude to her with his “run along” at the Shakespeare date.  Kalon just thinks people don’t get his humor (because it’s not funny) and he didn’t thrive in that environment.

The men have had enough of his trying to explain away his bad behavior and Joe says he was just there for the glitz and glamour of it all.  Glitz and glamour?  Is that what that is?  Tony says he was there for the cameras and not Emily.  That makes more sense.

However, Chris isn’t done with his moment and pulls it back in to the one-on-one interview.  Guys, don’t interrupt Chris when he’s earning his paycheck by asking the tough questions.  Watch and learn a little something about journalism.  Funnily enough this is when Chris asks about the “you can speak when I’m finished” moment.  Kalon didn’t think that was the most offensive.  Ricki as baggage was the most offensive.  True, but they were both on the offensive scale, my friend.  And yes, we like our lives sugar coated in this country – it allows for us to shirk all personal responsibility (but that’s for another blog) – but we can still uphold a modicum of tact and kindness when we are speaking.  And most certainly when we’re trying to woo a woman.

Doug is asked if that comment would ever be ok.  Clearly the answer is no.  Kids can’t help being here.  Sean jumps in and says he doesn’t have to have a kid to know that’s not ever ok.  If you love a woman, you have to love every part of her and Ricki is part of Emily.  True dat.  And Kalon is off the hot seat without Chris opening up questions to the firing squad.  Aw, that’s like taking away a favorite chew toy from a pack of dogs.  Then again, we’d be here all night with that.  Who’s next?

Melissa:  A douchebaggery montage.  Why?  I mean I get he was the “villain” of the season, but I’m tired of that personality.  You know him.  We’ve all experienced him.  Maybe it’s my short fuse lately, but I have zero patience for such unwarranted pompous arrogance.  I know he’ll claim he’s misunderstood, and what not, but ugh.  Please don’t even try to play your “run along” as playfulness or humor.  That’s just straight up douchebaggery plain and simple.

Trophy Time

It’s called a spray tan, Chris. Get with the program.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ryan’s turn to sit in the frying pan, after we, of course, watch his most memorable moments.  And they are memorable for sure.  Wow, did Chris just yell “See ya!” during Ryan’s video?  Uh, are you trying to prove everyone right about your maturity level?  Look, I’m not going to defend Ryan’s behavior, but even if he handled it like a jack ass, you know how bad that moment of rejection feels.  So, why you gonna go rub salt in the someone else’s wound?  Go find an upper lip, won’t you?

Anyway, let’s talk about Ryan’s “worldly gifts” shall we?  He just chocks it up to being confident in who he is because without that he wouldn’t be successful.  Maybe try a quiet confidence?  Chris wants to know if he crossed the line from confidence to arrogance.  Of course he doesn’t.  Chris – No Lips, not Harrison – wants to know about his true feelings for Emily.  Ryan says he was reading his journal and he realized that it wasn’t about Emily.  It was about finding his wife.  OK, at first blush, I was like WTF did you just say?  But then I realize that he might be the first guy to realize that it’s not about winning this girl but finding the right girl.  I might have to give him some credit for that one.  Granted, I don’t like the guy he is, but he does have a point.  And I do kinda love that he was trying to fix John up with his ex.  That’s pretty funny.  Chris comes at Ryan again saying that he told Arie that they’d be the last two standing, and if he didn’t win, he’s be the next Bachelor.  Ryan admits to saying it to a few frontrunners, but not Chris since he wasn’t a frontrunner in Ryan’s mind.  Oh I’d love to put these two in a cage fight.  Now that’s something I’d watch.  The Bachelorette:  The Men Take It To The Mat.  Chris Harrison reassures us that he’s not going to be our next Bachelor.  A collective sigh of relief overcomes the room.  I don’t know.  It would be kind of funny… maybe for a few weeks anyway.

Melissa:  You know, if he weren’t such an ass with the Wolverine facial hair, he could be attractive… Kind of.  Maybe.  I think he’s one of those people who could be good looking (to some), but the more you get to know him the less attractive  he becomes.

A Chat With Chris

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I got humiliated. Can we move on?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Haven’t we heard enough from him?  Well, I guess we still have another hour to fill (groan) so we might as well rehash the rehash that we hashed.  Cut to the video… Wait, how come Chris’s bad attitude and meltdowns weren’t shown on the video?  That ain’t fair.  Well, I guess we’re going to talk about how much it hurt him vs how badly he acted.  He loved her 100% and it was hard on him.  Chris Harrison wants to know if he angers quickly.  He says when he really wants something, he’ll do anything in the world to fight for it. If he comes off angry, then that’s how he comes off.  Well, I think you come off angry because you actually are angry.  Call me crazy.  He’s lost a couple good friends in his life and that’s why he says what he means.  You know, because you might not get the chance to be a dick tomorrow.  Great philosophy in theory, but shitty on execution friend.  Emily made him a believer in love and he is looking forward to falling in love with the right girl.  I guess the three he hooks up with on the Bachelor Pad don’t fit into that category.  Oh well, I guess we’ll have to watch Bachelor Pad to find out, and I have a feeling my opinion of his isn’t going up.

Melissa:  OK Chris, here’s the thing, and I swear I’ve said this once before, but just because you tell a woman you love her doesn’t mean she feels the same.  I can’t believe he’ll be on Bachelor Pad.  Never mind it’s starting next week… Come on, give a girl a week of downtime to catch up on some History channel documentaries or something.

Rachel:  You watch History Channel documentaries?

Mr. Perfect

There’s no place like home… There’s no place like home.

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s time for everyone’s favorite bachelor, Sean.  I know a lot of women want him to be the Bachelor with a capital B, but I’m not one of them.  I’m just not buying the “perfect” routine.  Something rubs me the wrong way.   Can’t put my finger on it and I don’t want to spend an entire season thinking about it and watching him run through towns screaming women’s names.  But first, you guessed it, the video…

Side bar:  Why does Emily’s crying sound like a cat right before it throws up a hairball?

OK, I’m back… Sean says the video is hard to watch.  He truly believed that she was his wife and it never occurred to him that he’d be going home.  He says he wonders what he’s missing and no one likes to feel inadequate.  Of course, he still has feelings and is still emotional.  His feelings won’t fade overnight though he wishes they would.  He spent weeks questioning if he should have done or said something else.  He’s never had a broken heart before so this is new.  And that, my friends, is what I think my gut has been reacting to this whole time.  He doesn’t know real loss and it came across to me that he was somewhat flip about his exes and what breaking their hearts did to them.  It was all very much from a “well it wasn’t working for me so I ended it” place that didn’t seem at all sympathetic.  Not he’s got a broken heart and can, not only sympathize, but empathize with what that feels like.  I hope that going forward, he gets it a little better now.  You can’t know how deep it is unless you’ve felt it.  And even his mom told him that it’s going to be good for him in the long run.  Agree, mom.  Agree.  This conversation makes me like Sean a little bit more… I honestly feel like he might have learned something.  Still don’t want him to be the Bachelor, but I’d be less mad at it.  My generosity knows no bounds.

Melissa;  I’m still saying he’s a tall glass of cool water if you like that look.  Thank goodness he didn’t cave to the Bachelor Pad.  There’s still hope he’s not a complete Bachelor sell-out.  Then again, he could be angling for the next Bachelor.  I’ll say it right now, I wouldn’t hate that.

She’s Baaaack

Holy knockers, batman!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ah yes, the most popular Bachelorette ever is back.  I’m surprised they’re making her walk to the couch.  I’d think they’d have carried her out on a litter while being fanned & fed grapes.  Whoa, did her boobs grow a few cup sizes???  How does she not fall over with those things?  Lady, rein it in.  Baywatch is no longer in production.  Seriously, those things have to equal half her body weight.  Yipes!

Anyway, she says it’s exciting, yet tough, for her to see all the guys, especially Sean.  She tells him that she watched the episode, sat in her room and did the ugly cry.  Everything she felt was real and he knows it.  He even thanks her for opening up his eyes.   Kumbayah, y’all!  Chris also had his eyes opened to believing in love.  Another thank you to Emily for getting his heart broken.  Now Doug… Poor Doug.  He says he read the moment wrong.  Understatement.  She says she handled it awkwardly at best with her “Thank you for that.”  But she does have one regret looking back and that was not giving Doug the date rose after he stood up for her on the group date by outing Kalon.  I’m glad she recognized that.  I wanted to choke her that night, but I guess she was on overdrive.  She says she could be engaged to Kalon so thank God for Doug.  Doug says he will always have her back.  Aw, swoon.  I just want to hug him.  He really is too sweet.

And speaking of Kalon, she says she was disappointed that she let someone like that through the cracks.  Kalon apologizes for how things went down between them and he is trying to use the experience to make him a better person in his future relationships.  Yeah, Emily ain’t buying what you’re selling.  She tells him that he should be a politician because that was the biggest load of <<bleep>> she’s ever heard.  Ha ha… standing ovation for Emily.  OK, I’m too lazy to get up.  A raise of the glass and a tip of the hat to her.  She says that he clearly doesn’t regret the things he said to and about her.  Just a couple days ago she saw that he posted a picture of a baggage claim and captioned it with “Though for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here.”  Wow, he really is an asshole.  I’d rather have baggage than be a douchebag any day.  He says it was a bad joke, but it is reminded that he also said that he was sorry that he wasn’t sorry after everyone ripped him a new one.  She tells him that the true test of class is going back and apologizing for being rude.  She hopes that he finds faith in something bigger than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter.  Yeah, girl!  OK, now I’m really getting up and giving her a round of applause… and myself another round of drinks.  I mean I’m already up, might as well make it worth my time.

Emily is now faced with her almost decision to let Ryan stay.  She says that he’s good looking and he’s a sweet talker… he’s that guy and every girl has one.  Yep, we do.  I have one… or two… or… Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah, Ryan being a sweet talker.  It just got to be too much but some things just didn’t line up for her with regards to their beliefs.  Well, she says his beliefs but I’m thinking it’s more like his stupid expectations of what a woman should do and say.

And then we saw the bloopers reel which was really the most exciting part of the show.  I even LOL’d.

Melissa:  I totally think her boobs are bigger!!!  I don’t want to say that’s what I immediately saw when she walked out, but I mean they’re just… Maybe it’s the dress.  She did the ugly cry for Sean?  So why did she send him packing?  OK, anyone else not believe Chris’s little “you opened my eyes” blah-blah-blah.  Oh my damn did Kalon really post a picture on Twitter about baggage and Emily?  For real, douche might actually be too good for him.  In comparison, Ryan is looking pretty damn good right now.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  OK, I was really hoping that Alessandro would get the chance to ‘splain himself and I could have used some more Doug time.  But overall it wasn’t bad.  The first 30 minutes were completely worthless, but it’s the drill.  So, now we’re t-minus 5 days until the most amazing finale ever.  Sorry, most dramatic finale ever.   Meh, not buying it.  Unless the rejected guy runs up and tackles the “winner”, it’s not dramatic enough for me.

Melissa:  Thankfully I was shoveling Milano cookies into my face the whole show so the chocolate kept me awake for yet another snooze fest of a “men tell all” show.  We really could really do this in an hour.  Let’s hope next week is, in fact, the most dramatic ending ever.  Though I don’t know what could top Ben Flapjack cruising off in a dinghy.

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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 5 – Hood Rat Abroad

Posted on June 13, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  It’s a jolly ol’ time in England until someone refers to Ricki Bobby as “baggage”.

On the left – John Travolta as Vinnie Barbarino.
On the right – Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Hello, Mr. Kotter.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:  OK peeps, it is fully my fault that we’re late this week with our postings.  My cousin got married this weekend in the Burgh (aka: Pittsburgh) and I was busy doing the things you do when a cousin gets married.  So, while I was stuffing my face full of wedding cake and all the bad foods that make Pittsburgh what it is, Emily was in London searching for love.  But I’m back and ready to exchange my y’alls for ‘ello loves while I enjoy a room temperature Boddington’s.  OK, it’s the middle of the day and I’m actually enjoying a green tea, but that doesn’t seem as exciting.  Although if you hook me up with a scone and some finger sandwiches, it might make me feel more British.  Not fully British.  Just like Madonna British, which I suppose is enough for one episode of the Bachelorette.

Melissa:  LONDON BABY!  Sorry, I can’t help myself.  It just comes out.  For real, it’s like Tourette’s.  That being said, this is the week, kiddies… “BAGGAGE WEEK”!!!  I can’t wait to hear who is dumb enough to make that statement.  My money is on Kalon, but that’s really because I just can’t stand him.  Dude, you know the whole show is about finding a daddy for Ricki Bobby! Perhaps you should jump on the “Rah Rah Daddy Train.”  Speaking of daddies, remember that article we mentioned about these guys being the wealthiest group of bachelors ever?  I’m really wondering if she’s weeded out the “poor ones” yet.  I’d like to see some bank book, please.

London Calling

I swear Ricki, all the cool kids in London wear bonnets.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Tally ho and blimey and all that, we’re in London!  And Ricki Bobby is in London too, so all is good.  How do I know that she’s in London?  Well, because we are starting with the mandatory check-in with her and Emily while they explore this wonderful new place.  And Ricki’s giggling, which we all now know is code for “I’m ok, mommy!”

Meanwhile, Chris is welcoming the boys to London and reminds them that, even though there are ten of them left, only one can be Emily’s husband.  I wonder if you have to go to school to be able to achieve Chris’s level of stating the obvious or if this is just a natural talent with which he was blessed.  I mean before he said that, I thought maybe Emily was planning on going all Brother Husbands on us and making a few of the guys husbands, but thankfully now I know she’s a one-man woman.  Next, he’s going to explain to the guys that, even though they are in a foreign country, everyone still speaks English…. just with funny accents, but it’s nothing to be alarmed about.  And they say Reality TV isn’t educational.  Boy, I don’t know which is more of an honor for the Brits – having the Bachelorette film here or hosting the Olympics.  It’s a toss-up, clearly.

Melissa:  I’m shocked!  There are clear skies in London.  How the hell did ABC manage that??  Man, what a boondoggle gig Chris has.  Well, I say that mostly because I wish I had such a gig.  How about it ABC?  You should have the Winey Bitches host one of your shows.  Give us Bachelor Pad.  We would totally rock that out.

Mr. Milquetoast Goes To London

Let’s pretend I’m actually taking the picture, not the staff photographer.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The first date card arrives and Sean is going on the one-on-one date.  He’s stoked about his date with Emily, so much so that he fails to realize that his jeans are hideous and actually leaves the hotel wearing them.  What really is up with those? How were they ever a good idea? Anyway, the rest of the guys are left to stew in their jealousy back at the hotel.  Kalon is especially annoyed because he does not have control of the scenario and it’s frustrating to him.  I’m wondering if he actually understood the way this worked before he agreed to be on the show. But let’s get on with Emily’s date with Bad Jeans Magee.

They’re going to tour London on the iconic double decker bus.  I’ve been on that bus in that weather and it’s frigging cold.  Like “this is no longer fun and I don’t care what that building is” cold.  They ride around town a bit then stop at St. Paul’s Cathedral to take pics.  As they continue on, Emily is filling Sean in on all the history of the buildings they are passing.  Now you know she had to have some crib sheets prepared before this date.  This stuff isn’t just rolling out of her brain unassisted.  There’s no way.  They stop at Buckingham Palace and she tells us that this is where Queen Elizabeth “works” (Really? Didn’t study that sheet too hard, did ya?) and where Kate & William had their first kiss.  Do I need to tell you what happens next?  I do?  Damn, you guys are lazy.  Sean suggests they take a picture in front of the palace and kiss.  You charmer, you.

Melissa:  Sean gets the first one-on-one, and I have to say, he’s on my list.  I won’t lie.  I’m liking this kid.  Kalon isn’t thrilled he’s not on this date.  Sorry sweetie, but I am so loving your frustration.  You are such a pompous dandy to me and I still have no clue how you’ve made it past that little “let me finish” comment.

For real, what’s up with this weather?  Wait, they’re in front of Parliament and not a single “Look kids, Big Ben… Parliament!”  What the hell kind of date is this?  I also question her shoe choice strolling though London in those stilettos.  He did not just offer to carry her purse!  You just jumped a point in my book.  I have to give it up, Sean is really growing on me. He’s adorbs and sweet.

Werewolves in London

Is this guy for real?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Thankfully, we get a break from the palace kissing to visit with the left-behind boys.  Jef is getting angsty about not having had a one-on-one date and feels like he’s becoming a group date master.  A group date ninja, if you will.  Kalon says, that if he ends up with Emily, every date will be a group date with Ricki in tow.  Doh!  Guess we know who’s going to drop the “baggage” line later.  Kalon finds that little gem hilarious while Jef & Arie contemplate how to throw him out the window and make it look like an accident.  Do it guys, no one would blame you.  Instead, Arie tries to ‘splain him that that’s just part of being with someone.  Um, wasted breath, Arie, but good effort.

Back On The Town

Wow, that’s some shine coming off your forehead.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back out in London Town, Emily is asking Sean about the last date he was on.  It was 4 or 5 months ago and it was only one date.  She didn’t have the qualities Sean was looking for and he figured that out pretty quickly.  Before that, he hadn’t been on a date in a really long time.  I blame the jeans.  He blames the lack of quality girls crossing his path.  He’s selective, remember?  She says usually guys that look like him are boring, but he’s not boring.  Um, he’s a little boring.  But she’s having the best day.  And off they go on a walkabout… Wait, that’s Australian.  Well, they go on the British version of a walkabout… A promenade???… where they “stumble” across Speaker’s Corner.  How fortuitous!  Naturally, Sean is challenged to step up and speak, which of course he does.  He announces to the crowd of paid extras that he believes that loving someone is giving yourself completely to them.  He says a whole bunch of other stuff about love and his parents’ love and potentially loving Emily and not having felt love before and I don’t even know what else because this is when I started cruising Facebook to see if anyone posted another pithy someecard.  But I do come back in time to hear that Emily thought all this was hot.  So Sean’s on track to get a rose.

Time for dinner!  They are having their fake meal that they won’t eat at the Tower of London.  Nothing says romance like a former prison and torture chamber.  Emily thinks it’s fitting, however, since love takes no prisoners.  Is that so?  Alrighty then, let’s have some bangers and mash in a dank prison all in the name of romance!  Sounds like that cold is taking no prisoners, Em.

To warm things up, she tells Sean that Henry VIII beheaded two wives here.  You know, forewarning.  Emily really wants to know if Sean has any bombs to drop on her about being divorced or having secret children.  Come on, this guy is so milquetoast it’s unreal, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave some poor kid a scorching wedgie back in high school.  But it’s time to talk about kids and Emily’s ticking biological clock.  He says he loves being an uncle but he’s really dying to become a dad.  She wants to know how many he wants and he wants the same amount that she wants.  What’s that amount?  He doesn’t know, but he’s in agreement.  Emily is smitten, but I’m going to blame the cold medicine for fogging her senses.  Sean gets the rose.

Melissa:  Dinner at Tower of London?  MAN, I need to get on this show.

Where For Out Thou Douchebaggeo?

Where for art thou fashion police?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Date card #2 arrives and it says is “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”  No one has any clue what is going on except for Alejandro who knows it’s Shakespeare.  How is this guy not getting more air time?  Oh right, he’s smart and subdued.  Not so much smart & subdued is Kalon who is starting to boil over not having had a one-on-one date.  He’s not having fun any more.  Anyone else hear a baby crying?  But this is a group date card so let’s find out who’s going:  Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John & Kalon.  That means Jef gets the last one-on-one, which we already know from the previews, but let’s pretend it’s a surprise.  Gasp, Jef got the date!

Off we go to Stratford-Upon-Avon for some Shakespeare in the park.  Emily greets the guys with what’s left of her voice to tell them that they are doing scenes from Romeo & Juliet today.  Doug is not thrilled and Arie is terrified of acting, in general.  Come on Arie, channel that inner Barbarino.  Do the Sweathogs proud.  Travis auditions first and I’m pretty sure he’s wearing Sean’s hideous jeans.  What is going on, guys?  You need to burn them and never ever wear them again.  Ever.  And you also need not act again.  Ever.  That was terrible.  But everyone is having fun with the auditions.  Well, everyone except for Kalon who is taking it extremely seriously.  Of course, that would be helpful if Emily weren’t hoping the guys had fun with this.  Four boys get to play Romeo:  Alejandro, John, Ryan & Kalon get parts.  Arie & Doug get to play the nurse.  Fabulous.   Men in drag.  Ryan is ecstatic that he is the Romeo that gets the kiss, which is made sweeter with Arie playing a nurse.  Arie, by the way, is clueless about what is going on around him and doesn’t know what “jaunt” means… Bar-bar-bar-bar-bar-barino.  Chris & Travis have a duel and Emily knew that Travis would have fun with this.  You know, because he’s a fun guy.  And she knows this from his carrying around an egg for 3 weeks.

Emily saunters over to Ryan & Kalon’s scene rehearsals.  Ryan tells her they are going to share a kiss and it’s going to be a slow intimate kiss.  Kalon isn’t interested in this waste of time chit-chat and tells Emily that they have to get back to rehearsals.  He finishes his rude dismissal of her by literally shooing her away.  The best part is that he does this because he has to rehearse so he can wow her and win the rose.  Yeah, anyone want to clue him in to the fact that he could score himself an Emmy with this performance and he’s still not be getting a rose because douchebaggery trumps great acting every time.  Well, every time on the Bachelorette.  It actually works the opposite way if you’re Christian Bale.

Is it weird that I find you oddly attractive in drag?

Time to act!  Arie & Doug get their tights & moobs on, which is hilarious.  Kalon is the first scene and starts us off with his very angry Romeo.  Up next, John & Doug.  Doug gets his nursemaid, on and plants a wet one on  Jeff’s cheek.  Points to Doug for having fun with it.  Next, Alejandro, Travis & Chris duel which is cute, but pales in comparison to Arie as a nurse.  He’s hilarious and fully pulls it off.  OK, does anyone else think he looks more like Travolta in drag than ever?  Seriously!  Finally, Ryan is up and he gets his kiss.  And he steals one more kiss since he’s “not quite dead yet” and really lays one on her.  I don’t like him but that was one smooth move.  I nod vaguely in his direction.

Melissa:  Aw poor Kalon, you’re on the group date… This is awesome.  I’m actually wringing my hands in excitement over your frustration.  It may be evil of me, but I adore you being miserable.  Here’s a question: what’s up with his teeth?  It’s like they are too big to fit in his head or something.  It’s like he has to keep wrapping his mouth around them.  Wait, Kalon just dismissed Emily to rehearse?!  BAHAHA… Even if you aren’t the one she goes hood-rat on, I think your days are numbered, you prissy little shit.

West Virginia backwoods hood rat

Rachel’s What Happened:  Party time!  I don’t know why I keep announcing the next scene with exclamation points but it’s how I’m feeling, so let’s go with it.  After a quick cheers with the guys, Arie pulls her aside for some alone time.  He tells her acting was the hardest thing for him to do, but if he made her laugh, it was worth it; especially because she’s sick.  Slick Rick.  Up next, Ryan.  He takes her into another room and pulls the curtains on them.  She calls him trouble, which he considers foreplay.  But he first gives her a turquoise necklace, which Emily says is a huge surprise “on so many levels.”  Ha…. No doubt, girl.  Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

On the other side of the velvet curtain, Chris approaches a sulky Kalon who is not excited about talking to an “exhausted sick mother who has a child waiting on her.”  Wow.  What a brat.  Go home, dude.  Well actually, you’re about to get sent home so you can just hang tight.  Word is getting around about what Kalon said and, needless to say, the mens are not happy.  Doug especially takes offense to the use of the word “baggage” in reference to Ricki.  He asks Kalon straight-up if he said it.  Kalon says that he did and he won’t apologize for it.  He says it has a negative connotation when it’s brought up the way Doug brought it up, but he just means it’s a responsibility.  Uh, no.  Wrong.  Try again.  Ryan says it’s uncalled for.  Doug says it’s “bleep” – I’m going to guess it was “bullshit” – and off he goes to find Emily.

He tells her that if he was in her position, he’d want to know and tells her that someone referred to Ricki as baggage.  She asks who and, of course, he tells her that it was Kalon.  Emily is raging angry, but wants to figure out the ladylike way to approach the situation.  Good for you, but none of us would blame you if you just walked up to him and kneed him in the family jewels.  But the fierce mama bear ultimately overrides the proper southern belle and she wants to go rip him a new asshole.  Yeah, dog!  It’s about to get crazy up in here!  Wow, sorry.  Don’t know why I just channeled Randy Jackson.  Ahem… Wait, did she just say she wants to go West Virginia backwoods hood rat on his ass??? OMG, I think I might be the one to propose to Emily.  That was awesome!

Here we go!  Doug basically introduces the situation in lieu of Chris Harrison being present and Emily gives Kalon a chance to defend himself.  He tries to weasel out of it by explaining that “baggage” sounds negative, but it’s just saying it’s a big responsibility.  She says what it is is a huge blessing.  He goes to interrupt her, but she cuts him off and says that she loves to hear him talk but not until she’s done.  Bam!  She just threw that shit right back in his face!  I am actually jumping out of my chair high-five-ing my imaginary friend right now!  She says that anyone that thinks her daughter is baggage does not deserve to be on a date with her.  Had he actually asked her about Ricki, he’d see that she’s the furthest thing from baggage.  Anyone with the tiniest heart could see that, which makes her sad for him and not for herself.  Then she asks if there’s anything he can say to prove that he didn’t say that.  He says not at all and she tells him to get the f**k out.  OK, at this moment, I take back anything negative I ever said about her… until the next time I say something negative.  But right now, this is my girl!  Dumbass tries to backpedal with that crap about his first kid being his own, which really doesn’t help.  Not at all.  In fact, it gives her an opening to bring up the fact that he is the product of a single mother, which disappoints her the most.  He tries again, but she’s done.  She has no interest in what he has to say.  None of us do.  And off Kalon goes into the night.  We hear from him one last time that his comments were taken out of context, but he acknowledges that he isn’t the right man for her.  Ya think?

Meanwhile, Emily is questioning her judgement and questioning why none of the guys got her back in that situation.  She comes back into the room with the guys and tells them she’s bummed it took them this long to tell her about what Kalon said.  Um, ‘scuse me, um… didn’t Doug step up and tell you what he heard the moment he heard it?  Ryan says that some of the guys didn’t say anything because it was her decision to make one way or the other.  Huh?  Arie says it was eating him up inside to not say something and he’s glad she had the intuition to figure that out.  It wasn’t intuition, it was Doug! But she’s still bummed and no one gets the rose.  But but… Doug!  Seems no one got her back so she isn’t sure what that means for the rest of the guys here.  DOUG GOT YOUR BACK!  Oh why do you have to piss me off so quickly after we were starting to get along?  Emily needs some sleep and I need to go pour myself a bourbon.

Melissa:  I KNEW IT!!!  I knew it would be Kalon!  That’s right, you’ve got Doug pissed at you now.  You’re done, dandy boy.  I am so ready to watch the beat down!  West Virginia, hood-rat back woods – bring it Em!  See here’s the thing boys, you don’t F with a Mama Bear.  Hell, I’d even venture to say you don’t F with an Auntie Bear either, because they will jack you up.  Wait, she’s upset with the guys for not telling her, but yet where are Doug’s props for not only telling her but his going off on him as well (not that she saw it)?

Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Let You Down

Wait, why is someone else here on my one-on-one date?

Rachel’s What Happened:  It’s the light of day and Emily is spending time with Ricki.  She’s still shaken by what happened and unsure about her trust in the guys, but she has a one-on-one date with Jef.  Poor guy is about to face the firing squad.  No wonder they’re playing funeral music in the background.

Emily takes him for a traditional afternoon tea.  He is hoping he can make her laugh.  She is hoping she can eviscerate him in the name of all scorned women past, present and future.  But first, a scone.  They meet an etiquette teacher who will be joining them for their date.  This is a new twist on the Thunderdome two-on-one date.  After they learn about two-bite sandwiches, strawberry jam for scones and how to properly excuse yourself from the table, they blow out of there and head to the bar for some fish & chips and pints.  Jef brings up the Kalon situation and tells her that he was the one that Kalon was talking to when he called Ricki baggage.  He also tells her that he gave Kalon a piece of his mind about staying when he wasn’t really into it.  He told Kalon that he should leave, but Kalon wanted to stay because it was a “fun adventure”.  OK, I am thinking this is a good thing since he got her back, but at the same time, it’s also pissing her off all over again.  But when he says if Ricki is baggage then she’s a Chole hangbag that he wants to have forever, he wins over my heart… Er, I mean Emily’s.  She loves that.  But she’s sill confused about Jef’s feelings for her.  Uh, he might not be pawing all over you, but he clearly digs you.  Pay attention.  All the signs are there.  He’s just shy.

Would you just kiss me already?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Next they head out to the London Eye and go for a moonlit ride.  They are getting gorgeous views of London from inside the eye, but are ignoring the desserts on the table.  See, in my world, desserts don’t get ignored.  That’s akin to treason in my book.  But this isn’t my world so let’s get back to the date.  Jef says he wants to take it to the next level and I think that’s the first official “next level” of the season!  Woohoo!  Emily tells Jef she’s having a great time with him, but wishes he would be more open with her because she is still questioning whether or not he’s into her.  Last night broke her confidence, so she wants to know what else she’s missing.  He promises to never lie to her and doesn’t know anyone that wouldn’t like her.  This process has made him get lost in his thoughts a lot, but he feels really comfortable with her and he is ready to have a family.  She asks if the party would end if she & Ricki moved into his life in Salt Lake.  He says that the party would just be starting if that happened.  This kid’s goooood.  He’s moving up my chart… and Emily’s too as she gives him the rose.  OK dude, kiss her.  KISS HER!  Stop talking about kissing her and do it.  Now.  Now!  Finally… the kiss.   Took long enough.  OK, enough of the kiss.  No seriously, we get it.  Enough.  Stop.

Melissa:  Poor Jef waited all this time to go up against a pissed-off Emily.  Side bar: I love that jacket with the pink sash and I adore afternoon tea!!  There’s a fantastic place in Windsor, The Crooked Tea House, that is awesome.  I have been known to go to town on their clotted cream.  Wait, what were we talking about.  Oh yeah… Did Emily really change for dessert?  I get he’s a cool guy, but that hair, it really has to go.  Finally, he went in for a kiss.

Get My Back 

No, I would never not get your back.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, it’s time for the cocktail party.  I have a feeling we’re in for a long talk with Chris at some point too.  But first Emily, would like to address the crowd… and in a fabulous navy dress, I might add.  I’m mildly obsessed with navy dresses and this one is awesome.  She tells the guys that the week was rough for her after she was shown such a huge lack of respect.  She lost a lot of confidence but she has hope & faith that the guys don’t share Kalon’s views.

First up, Travis.  She asks him what he would do if someone insulted his girl.  He says he would confront the person.  She says she would get her man’s back no matter what and would want a guy to get hers too.  Then she bores a hole through his forehead waiting for him to respond in kind.  He says off-camera that he could feel the heat in the room getting intense.  Clearly, there will be no fun tonight.  Next on the chopping block – John.  He says the situation has been eating at him because he will tell Emily the truth at all times.  By not telling her about Kalon, he says he cheated her.  She says that’s why she is so bummed out.  And he also feels like he’s going through the ringer.  Arie gets the next interrogation.  She says that she doesn’t need anyone to fight her battles.  He said that was clear.  But she wanted to know that he had her back because she feels really close to him, but in that moment, she felt really alone.  Sweet Mary, Ashley, stop interrogating all the guys!  Oh wait, you’re Emily, not Ashely.  That’s right.  So stop acting like her!  Arie says he’s just trying to focus on them and not on what other people are saying.  He also thinks that everyone thought she was handling the situation and that is why no one spoke up.  Yeah, I’m with you, but that is so not what she wants to hear.  She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but she wants to make sure he has her back.  He promises and I’m pretty sure offered her a kidney.  He walks away feeling as bad as the guys that went before him.  Don’t worry, Arie, she has the hots for you.  You’re safe.

Ryan’s up and I have a feeling he’s not going to deal well with being in the line of fire.  But first, he has some Shakespeare to lay on her and leaves her standing on the balcony.  From below, he tells her how beautiful she is and how happy he is to be there with her.  Well, someone has all the right moves tonight.  He manages to avoid the rapid-fire questioning and goes right to the making out.  I’m gonna say this is unexpected.  I imagine he’ll turn into the douchebag again soon enough.  Sean wants to let her know that he is there to protect her.  She says she knows he would have stood up and said something.  Nice that he gets the credit for doing the right thing without having to do the right thing.  Ay yi yi.   I guess Sean is now the hero against the meanies.  Enjoy it while it lasts, guy.

Melissa:  I appreciate Emily being concerned about the guys having her back, but she also has to realize that if she’s on this show, she’s going to end up with a few d-bags in the bunch.  And guess what, they’re going to tell you they’re on your side ‘til you don’t give up a rose.  Oh come on Ryan, give it up.  You’re tap dancing around annoying at this point.

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Rose

Hmmm… How long can I stand here and torture them by not actually handing out a rose?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Hey no heart to heart with Chris!  Wow.  This might be the most shocking rose ceremony of all time.  Emily tell the guys that she is feeling better and her faith is restored.  Yeah yeah, hand out some roses.

Staying:  Sean, Jef, Doug, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis, & Arie

Going:  Alejandro

Gone:  Kalon – He gets his own category this week.

Melissa:  That’s right you better give Doug a rose!  OK, I was seriously starting to worry for a second.  Poor Alejandro, at least you have your mushrooms to fall back on.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Poor Alejandro.  I totally think he got the shaft this whole time.  But you know what, he’s better off without her.  There’s an amazing woman out there for him.  But I’m only surprised she didn’t send him home sooner.

That bitch is going to Croatia!  Oh, I’m exploding with jealousy right now.  That is seriously one of the most gorgeous cities on earth.

BTW, why do they show us previews for the rest of the season if we’re supposed to be surprised at the rose ceremonies?  Kinda takes what little excitement there is out of it.  I mean we know Arie isn’t going home any time soon.  That we can figure out.  But cut us some slack!

Melissa:  I’m going to miss that little shit.  Hee hee.   Sorry, I tried to say it with a straight face, but no, I’m so glad Kalon is gone.

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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 4 – Bermuda Triangle Of Love

Posted on June 5, 2012 by | 1 Comment

One Sentence Summary:  Emily takes her bachelors to Bermuda and starts to see cracks in some of the men’s personalities.

It’s ok, Charlie. Everyone has that moment when they realize they’re actually on a reality show.

Our Thoughts:  

Rachel:  And so the frolicking in the sun and sand begins tonight, though I think there may be more frolicking between Emily and Ricki than with the men.  Still, it’s time for the world tour and the pretty vistas which make me have momentary lapses of sanity where I consider signing up for the show.  I mean I don’t really believe you can truly find love on this nonsense show, but I do like me a fancy hotel and turquoise blue waters.  I’d be willing to play the game for a little of that.  Plus, it would force me to get my derriere to the gym knowing I’d have to be in a bathing suit on TV.  But alas, I am relegated to sitting behind my computer and pretending that I’m going to work-out at any point during the day.  Hey, at least I’m honest about it.  Oh, and make sure you don’t forget to check the Bachelorette Drinking Game rules each week as we’re adding ideas from our readers.

Melissa:  Emily and the boys are off to Bermuda for this week’s wooing.  I have to wonder how much time Ricki Bobby will end up missing from school to follow Mommy around while she looks for Daddy #2.

Bermuda, Jamaica, Ooh I Wanna Take Ya…

This hills are alive with the sound of Ricki.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Wow, we started the week without Emily’s deep thoughts & the “Ricki’s ok” check-in.  It must be coming.  There’s no way we’d be deprived of such an important moment.  But I guess Chris Harrision has to tell the guys about Bermuda first.  Oh and of course explain the rules of the dates one more time.  Seriously, if anyone out there doesn’t have a grasp about how this works by now, they’re probably a lost cause.  Of course, Chris does have to earn his paycheck somehow.

Here we go!  Emily and Ricki in Bermuda.  We knew it was coming.  Those crazy editors were just trying to mess with our heads.  So, I’m with Melissa here wondering if Ricki doesn’t have to go to school?  I mean I get having your kid with you, but school?  Friends?  Stability?  Maybe that’s a little more important?

Melissa:  Yeah, I really don’t get why Chris has to explain how the dates work each week either.  Pretty sure they get that if they don’t get a rose on the one-on-ones they’re going home.  The boys are thrilled to be headed off to Bermuda, but really who wouldn’t??  They may not get a wife, but dammit they’ll at least get a free vacation.

Dating Daddy

The least intimidating motorcycle gang in the history of time.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The boys pull up to ther insane hotel.  Again, I’ve got to get on this show just for the traveling.  Doesn’t The Bachelorette – Cougar Edition sound awesome?  Tell me you wouldn’t watch that?  Oh, you wouldn’t?  Maybe think about a minute…   And speaking of awesome, Doug gets the first Bermuda date card.  It’s very cute because he is actually visibly nervous and dropping mega f-bombs as he gets a little drama on us with the stress.  Perhaps, he might want to take a shot before he goes on his date.  And perhaps I should stop liking guys on this show because they go off the rails the second I say it.  First Ryan and now Doug.  Though I still have faith in Doug.  If Doug doesn’t make it to the end, I invite him to join me on TBCE.

My head fits perfectly on your bicep.

Emily and Doug go shopping and walk around town.  Emily says he’s the perfect guy for this date because he’s up for shopping.  Well, alrighty then.  If that’s all it takes…  OK, even if he had a bit of a meltdown, I do like this guy.  His son said to him that one person can’t change the world so he started a charity to show him that one person actually can change the world.  How amazing is that?  Seriously, I think I see a halo starting to shine over his head.  It may have a few dings in it, but that’s all part of the charm.  Emily is started to get a little burnt basking in his glow so she asks if he’s ever grumpy.  He admits that he was grumpy when she walked in the room & that’s why things were tense.  I like that he admitted that and owned his ‘tude.  See, Doug is the bomb.  Emily wants to write a letter back to Doug’s son, Austin, since he was so nice to write her a note.  Next, she takes him to a place where people make romantic wishes as they walk through a stone arch.  Hopefully, this romantic wish works out better for him than it did for Joe.  Emily says she wished that she won’t be single forever.  Seriously, lady, you’re starting to piss me off with the “who me?” humility.  I’m going to venture a guess that your wish is going to come true.

Um, you can’t be the perfect one. That’s my role.

At dinner, Doug tells Emily how much he appreciates her sending a postcard to Austin.  It put him on Cloud 9.  Emily is having fun with Doug, but feels like he’s hiding something from her.  He reminds her of Brad who was always so perfect, which makes her nervous.  Again, did she meet the same Brad we all met?  But she wants to know the imperfect parts of Doug.  Uh, he just told you he was a jerk to the other guys in the hotel room.  Read:  He can be moody & temperamental.  Besides, you’re on your first actual date with him.  Isn’t he supposed to be impressing you?  I mean imagine how un-fun dating would be if the first time you met someone they told you that they cut their toenails in bed and have been known to clear a room with their farts.  I mean enjoy the moment and the guy he wants to be for you.  I realize that time is short here and that, in some ways, it would save all of us time if we put the crap on the table day 1, but romance is already on life support.  Don’t kill it completely.

Anyway, not backing off, she wants to know what his ex would say if she were at the table.  Doug says that he spent too much time with his son. But that’s too perfect of an answer.  He says that their last argument was about him not washing her car enough.  She’s not swayed so he asks her what her faults are.  She rattles off that she’s too sensitive, she is stubborn, she doesn’t work out and she does errands in her pajamas.  OK, these are faults?  Really? And him being grumpy isn’t a fault?  I’m ready to strangle her.  But before I can get to her, she actually realizes that she put him on the spot and maybe she’s being too hard on him.  Oh how the tables have turned.  Let’s give Doug points for giving Emily a spoonful of her medicine.  This puts Emily back at ease, and she gives Doug the date rose.  In that moment, he really wants to kiss Emily, but his grandfather said not to kiss a girl unless she lets him know for sure.  Ah, Doug, it’s not 1940 and this might be one time you don’t want to listen to your grandpa.  Taking it slow on a show that is only 12 weeks long isn’t the smartest play.  Kiss the girl!  But he does not.

Melissa:  The boys arriving on their little mopeds look like a jacked up girlie-man version of the Hell’s Angels.  Yeah, I get it’s the common form of transport, but really… Tell me that’s not the image that flashed through your mind seeing them all.

Yay!  I loves me some Doug time.  I appreciate Arie’s wanting to send his competition home, but sorry sweetie, I don’t think that’s gonna happen just yet.  Arie I like you right now, don’t ruin it by being an ass.  I have to say I appreciate a man who is willing to shop with a lady – that is a fine quality right there.  And I have to give her props on the postcard to Doug’s son Austin, that’s sweet.  She’s thinking he’s too perfect?  Quick!  Doug, do something!  Break a glass, burp at the table (don’t fart though, chicks don’t dig that), do something bad!  But seriously, Emily, I get that you think his spending too much time with his son seems like a perfect answer, but get this… There are women out there who give a guy a hard time for not giving them all their time and don’t want to share time with the kids. (I speak from experience on that one.)   It happens in real life.  At least she’s smart enough to give him a rose.

Love Boats

Arie channels his inner Vinnie Barbarino and works that sailboat crank.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the hotel, the collective blood pressure is just returning to normal as the next date card arrives and sends pulses racing again.  The group date card determines who is possibly ending up on the two-on-one date making this the most wanted group date of the show.  Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis & Kalon get the date.  So, it’s Michael, Alejandro, John & Nate up for the two-on-one.  Has Nate been on a single date yet?

Group date time and I’m wondering if the dress code is blue & white in Bermuda.  It’s like a bad Gap ad on this date.  Kalon feels like he’s in his element with sailing.  Of course you do.  Anything that would be part of a J Crew catalogue is right up your alley.  Ryan, on the other hand, doesn’t know “jack squat” about sailing, but he’s willing to learn for Emily.  Besides, he’s an athlete so he thinks he’ll pick it up pretty quickly.  And of course you do.  These guys are becoming so predictable.

The guys will be racing each other in two teams and the winners get to spend more time with Emily.  The losers go back to the hotel.  The two teams are:  Yellow – Ryan, Jef, Kalon & Arie.  Red – Charlie, Travis, Chris & Sean.  Uh, way more muscle on the Red Team.  Ryan’s got some work to do over with the Yellows.  As expected, the Red Team pulls way out ahead of the Yellow Team.  Well, until the Red Team starts sailing in circles and gives the Yellow Team a chance to pass them.  The lead is short-lived as the muscle of Red Team puts them ahead once again.  However, since this is the most exciting boat race in Bachelorette history, the lead changes again and the Yellow Team wins. Jef, who was in charge of the biggest sail on his team, ripped his finger open on the first turn, but kept going.  There you go, Jef.  Way to get all manly on us, in spite of your hair.

As the Red Team heads home, Charlie actually starts crying.  He says he’s so embarrassed and he didn’t expect this to happen.  Ummmm…. Yeah, but tears?  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s an overreaction.

Now would be a good time to kiss me…. Like right now… Or now would be good too.

Back at the party, Ryan makes a toast to Emily, his possible “trophy wife”.  No, you did not.  What an ass.  That is enough to get you sent home.  Arie isn’t going to waste time making douchey toasts, and takes Emily aside for some one-on-one time.  He tells her that he missed her, and gets right to the making out portion of events.  This guy is good with the forehead kisses and the pushing her hair off of her face.  If there are any men out there reading this, take note.  Women eat this stuff up and you might want to add it to your repertoire of moves.  Maybe consider replacing that not-using-a-napkin-ever move with a forehead kiss move.  Trust me, this is sound advice.  Jef gets some alone time with Emily and uses it to tell her how he’s feeling and to break a TV record of using the word “like” in 60 seconds.  Really Jef, I thought I was suddenly watching an episode of the Kardashians.  But I like Jef even though he seems like a little brother and not a hot date.  So much so that he misses his opportunity for a kiss.  What is with these boys?

Back at the group, Ryan tells Arie that he looks forward to spending time with Emily and that he knows what he wants.  He wants to flirt with her and “build up some excitement”.  But he also wants to tell her to use this opportunity to her full potential.  Someone needs to put a pump to this guy’s ear and deflate that giant head of his.  What an egomaniac.  He tells her that he has a lot of depth and he is here to not make an impression but to impress upon her.  She isn’t quite buying what he’s selling and brings up his comment about her gaining weight.  He says that God designed her to be a beautiful woman so she should just be a beautiful woman.  Wow.  I’m ready to jump through the TV and shove a ball-gag in his mouth.  And not in a sexual way, in a STFU way.  I can’t take much more of his ego and his little pithy one-liners.

He says he prayed for her to make sure she used this opportunity to show other girls how to carry themselves & how to treat men, so he had a hard time watching her kiss Arie.  Whoa, hold it there a minute.  There is no part of you that didn’t like it because of how she was representing women – which BTW is not for you to say in the first place- but because your ego couldn’t handle it.  And the fact that Emily is sitting here apologizing, makes me want to ball-gag her too.  Are you kidding me?  Tell his dick to pack his shit and go.  If this is how he goes about wooing you, can you imagine how your life would be after you were married?  I’ll tell you how it would be.  Miserable.  You’ll never please him because he’ll always find new ways to demean you to maintain control.  Run, Emily, run.  This is a bad situation.  Trust me.  I’ve been there.  It’s just some advice from one single girl to another.  Thankfully, Emily says in her interview that she felt judged, which I like because she’s not being bamboozled.  And I like that word.  Bamboozled.

Anywho, Jef gets the date rose again and the men start to realize that this guy might actually be a threat.  Well, all the guys except for Ryan who sees it as Emily pleasing him by not giving it to Arie.  This guy is delusional.  He needs to go… although part of me can’t wait for the next insane nugget to roll out of his rectangle head.  But mostly he needs to go.

Melissa:  Of course, Kalon thinks he’ll be in his element on the seas (eye roll).  I love that they are shocked that this is a competition and the losing team goes home.  The fun thing about sailing is that you just never know who will get the wind at the right time.  Yellow gets the win and Ryan gets his douche talking time.  Arie gets the first smooch of the week (naturally) and I have to again question how these men get so invested after 3 weeks.  Where were these desperate men when I was dating??  What, no kiss, Jef??  DAYUM, poor girl isn’t getting much action tonight.  At least we know Ryan will be full court when he gets blanket time.

Wait, Ryan’s not there to impress her but make an impression on her… I think you’ve impressed that on all of us… ALL of us.  And was he really praying for her?  Oh geez, how is that a call for you to make?

Two Men Enter.  One Man Leaves.

Because the Thunderdome Date isn’t embarrassing enough, let’s make them stand into the wind, next to each other as they meet up with Emily.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ruh-roh, two-on-one date time.  The only time a guy doesn’t get excited at the prospect of two-on-one.  John & Nate are the lucky winners.  I still don’t agree with the concept of this date.  I mean, what if she likes both guys?  Granted, it’s never happened, but it could…  Maybe?  Right?

But before we can two-on-one it, we have to check in with Ricki to make sure she’s still ok in Bermuda.  Anyone else notice that Ricki doesn’t actually ever speak?

Anywho, the guys are ready-ish for this date, and as they head out, they both look like they’re being sent to their deaths.

Melissa:  Emily and Ricki Bobby are enjoying themselves, but the 2-on-1 is worrying Emily.  HA, I love the foreshadowing that one of them will be lost at sea.  Yes, true to Bachelor form, they’ll be left in a dinghy with only a paddle and their shame.  OK, maybe not, but I wouldn’t put it past these folks.

Immaturity – A Game of I Know You Are But What Am I

Do you not see how perfectly aligned my foot is with your head? Now call me immature one more time.

Rachel’s What Happened:  At the house, the guys are betting on which guy is coming back.  The majority say John because he’s got more swagger and he’s older.  Doug says that there is a huge difference between a guy at 21, 25, 30 and 35… which I’m going to say is true.  Chris, on the other hand, disagrees.  Ryan says he disagrees because he’s 25.  Chris doesn’t find that amusing and now he’s the cranky guy in the room saying it’s about life experiences.  Yeah, you haven’t had much of that either, Chris.  Hate to tell you.  And can we discuss why Michael is still here?  He couldn’t look more disinterested in what’s going on at any given time.  Anyway, Chris takes point with Doug for calling him out, even though Ryan said it.  OK, Chris, simmer down.  Your immaturity is showing.

Melissa:  What’s with Chris getting all sorts of snippy with the whole age thing in the hotel?  Chill my friend, she’s not going to ditch you for your age.  She’s going to ditch you because you annoy her.

But It’s Only A Table For Two

Cheers to the most awkward date any of us will ever be on… Hopefully.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back on the boat, the trio goes to Diving Board Island to jump off some cliffs.  Emily is having a great day with both the guys, but is looking forward to seeing the more serious side of the guys at dinner.  In the meantime, she’ll just frolic in the water with her mens.

Dinner turns out to be in a cave, where they are seated at a tiny table making an awkward date even more awkward.  Things don’t get better when Nate brings up the fact that they’re being served “kwi-noah”, which I’m pretty sure is actually pronounced keen-wah.  But regardless of the pronunciation, no one wants to eat the quinoa or anything else on their plate, which is the level of exciting TV we’re all enjoying right now.  Will they get to-go boxes?  Ooh, I’m on the edge of my seat…  As stimulating as this all is, Emily breaks up the fun and takes Nate aside for some less awkward one-on-one time.  Well, I hope it’s less awkward.  Nate says he gets that he’s on this date because he hasn’t shown her anything to make her really interested in him.  She says that’s not how it works.  Well, maybe it works that way a little bit.  Nate opens up about wanting kids, his awesome family and his incredible brother.  That makes him cry.  It also makes him say “cheers” for the third time on this date.  Emily thinks he’s very sweet.  I think he’s going home.

John’s up next and he says that he’s actually not mad about the one-on-one because he’ll either rise to the top or not have to ride in the middle of the pack anymore.  He says that he’s not a “hey look at me guy”, which Emily likes.  After spending a quality 15 minutes with each guy, she knows what she wants to do.  My gut is saying John.  Emily gives her “you’re both great guys” speech, and then drops the bomb on Nate that she doesn’t see herself with him long-term.  She thinks Nate is still young and doesn’t have a lot of life experience under his belt.  And clearly, she doesn’t like the tears.  First, Tony and now Nate.  Take a lesson guys!  Keep the tears to yourself.

Melissa:  Oh, the dreaded 2 on 1 date where you are assured someone is going home.  Nate and John both realize the do or die aspect of their date but both seem so ridiculously wishy-washy if you ask me.  Cliff diving?  Oh HELL NO!!  Especially since I’d lose my top the second I hit the water, not to mention the complete wedgie my bottom would do on my business end.  HEY, they aren’t going to be lost at sea, but lost in caverns.  These 2-on-1′s crack me up with how completely awkward they are.  Wait, now they aren’t going to eat?  Who goes to dinner and doesn’t eat?  Maybe it’s me and I eat like every 2 hours but that just seems silly.  Nate needs to bring it back around before he’s left behind in that cave while Emily and John take their date back to the boat.  Ugh, and he’s a cryer?  Come on Nate, man up a bit if you expect to get that rose.  OK, I’m warming up to you John, and apparently so is Emily.  Too bad Nate couldn’t just chill and do a little spelunking before being sent off… never to be heard from again.

Cocktail Time

Ryan practices his moves for when he becomes the next Bachelor. I guess Michael’s ponytail made him the perfect practice dummy.

Rachel’s What Happened:  We get our “getting dressed time” with Emily & Ricki.  And look!  Emily looks fantastic!  No Ice Capades illusion netting!  No sparkles.  No gold.  Just a really beautiful white jumpsuit and a fantastic necklace.  I kinda need that pearl & metal necklace.

Anyway, it’s time for the cocktail party and hey, it’s one-on-one time with Alejandro!  He does a much better job wooing her than Alessandro did.  Nice.  I don’t know why I like him when I know nothing about him, but I do.

Next up, Ryan who is feeling very confident.  Ugh.  More Ryan.  None of the guys want more Ryan in her life either so Arie goes in to pull her away.  He says it’s because he wants to protect Emily, but it’s just as much to stick it to Ryan.  Not that I’m mad at that.  Meanwhile, Ryan is telling her that it was admirable of her to say to the guys that they can ask her any questions they want.  See, she’s the center of attention but that doesn’t make her worthy of the attention.  So, what does she think makes her worthy?  Oh Arie, please do not interrupt this right now.  I’m dying to hear how she responds to that incredibly demeaning question.  She sidesteps it and that says she wants someone who will get her back because she will get their back.  He is pleased… Ah, if only he had a beard to stroke while he evaluates her responses.  This is when Arie comes in and Emily couldn’t be happier to be rescued.  Ryan says that the guys see him as a threat, because as he forms a bond with Emily, they’re going to have to lash out against him.  And Arie is definitely not a threat.  Yeah, I’m going to say your way off on that one, buddy.  But as Ryan’s ego starts to wonder if he’s going to get a rose, he spins it into him knowing he’s meant for a higher calling.  You know, like doing The Bachelor.   Yes, because there is no higher calling than having ABC pick you a mate while degrading everything beautiful about the journey.  Yes, that is truly God smiling on you.  Or maybe he’s just really snickering behind your back.

Emily spends some time with Sean and they talk about how they like each other without really knowing each other.   I believe the kids call that “crushing” on someone.  He asks about Ricki and how she’d feel about Emily getting married, which apparently turns her on because they spend the rest of the time kissing.

I’m not going to back down from you. If I had an upper lip, I’d be keeping it stiff right now!

Meanwhile, Doug & Ryan discuss maturity.  Doug doesn’t think Chris is mature enough to be a father.  Chris still isn’t digging the dig and needs to talk to Emily.  He wants to reinforce that he’s ready for everything Emily’s situation brings to him.  He doesn’t believe it’s age but it’s experience.  OK, he keeps saying it and I would like to know exactly what that life experience is.  I also want to know how Doug thinking he’s not mature is putting him in jeopardy of going home.  He didn’t say it to Emily.  So, I’m thinking maybe Chris needs to chill out.  But of course that won’t happen when they’re in a house that’s a cocktail of raging testosterone and liquor.  So off Chris & Doug go for a chat.  Chris confronts Doug about his ageism.  Chris wants to know why Doug thinks he’s a better man.  Doug says he never said that (which he didn’t).  Chris says he thinks it (Does Chris have a Magic 8-Ball?), to which Doug responds by calling his behavior immature.  Well, that’s not going to help anything.  And it doesn’t.  Chris gets his panties into a bigger wad and says that he doesn’t trust him.  He thinks he’s trying to hide something.  Doug’s over the top humble and it pisses him off.  So Emily can be uber-genuine and humble, and that’s OK?  Doug laughs the whole thing off.  Ah, when egos collide.  Notice that every season, there’s always one guy that everyone thinks is too genuine?  What is that about?  Have we really come to a place where we have to be tough to be real?  Lord, I hope not.  But it’s time for the roses, so we’ll have to table that for another time.

Melissa:   Love that Kalon is rocking the glasses again.  I guess he thinks they worked for him last week so why risk it.  I’m kinda liking that jumper of hers with all those great necklaces.  Alejandro scores a little time, but I’m still not getting any vibes from the two of them.  Sweet Mary, what’s up with Jef rocking the Bermuda shorts and knee socks?  What the hell look are you going for there?  Little Lord Fauntleroy?  Ugh, Ryan is really starting to grate on my nerves, and I am as thankful as Emily is for Arie swooping in.  Wait, Ryan is being called to something bigger?  Is he becoming a priest?  Oh no, even a higher calling… Bachelor Augusta – OF COURSE!  OY, another wishy-washy speech from Arie, but I guess that’s how they’ll win her over.  It’s hearts, flowers and magical unicorns to save the day.  Personally I don’t think Chris is ready to be a spouse or father either, but what I don’t get is how he thinks Doug has the control to send him home?  Say what?  Is he drunk?

The Roses

It’s that time in the season where we have to fill time with Emily’s inner-most thoughts.

Rachel’s What Happened:  We’re getting down to the hard choices so that means it’s time for heart-to-hearts with Chris.  Emily says she’s having a hard time sending guys home. Chris asks if she thinks this process will work this time and she says yes, she’s hopeful.  She’s still wary of Doug’s perfection.  She’s giggly about Arie and unsure of Jef’s feelings for her.  Alejandro seems to think he’s ready for fatherhood but she isn’t sure.  She also has learned to trust her gut so when a guy thinks he’s pulling one over on her, she knows better.  She’s talking about you, Ryan.  She’s seeing the manipulations.  Good on you, Emily.  Now, send Ryan packing.  Though, I think Michael & Alejandro are going.  I can’t understand how Michael is still there in the first place.  Have I said that already?

Melissa:  I’m also predicting Michael and Alejandro are gone.  OH-HO, is she really seeing through Ryan a bit?  NICE, good girl!  You’re impressing me a bit, Miss Em.  I love the thunder in the background… It’s almost as believable as the laugh track on the Brady Bunch.

I see your manipulations and raise you a rose.

Staying:  Doug, Jef, John, Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Alejandro

Going:  Nate, Charlie & Michael

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Wait, what?  Charlie?  Why?  I’m so confused.  Michael gets teary on the way out and it’s the first time we actually see any personality from him.  Where were you so long?  Charlie is also sad, and that makes me sad.  He seems like a good guy.  Maybe someone told her about the tears…  And next week, the guy that calls Ricki “baggage” gets called out.  Dying to know who it is.  I think we all think Ryan, but it could be Kalon.  Thoughts?

Melissa:  Glad to see Emily has a bit more substance to her than I expected, but why she kept Ryan and sent Charlie packing is beyond me.  Maybe it was just so Chris could say “Sorry Charlie”.  It’s off to London for a jolly good time – cheers and pip-pip to you all.

For those you who watch the out-takes.  Emily just scored some points with this Winey Bitch with the running man. Oh, if only she had the right outfit on so we could have seen it!

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The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 3 – Ride The Shoe Leather Express

Posted on May 29, 2012 by | Leave a comment

One Sentence Summary:  Dolly Parton makes an appearance, and shockingly, isn’t the biggest boob this week thanks to some truly stupid comments from the men.

Our Thoughts:  

You find me sexy, no?

Rachel:  Well kiddies, this here Winey Bitch turned another year older this weekend, but not another year wiser as I celebrated like I was turning 21 again.  So, I will be playing the Bachelorette Drinking Game with some Tazo Calm tea tonight.  That’s right.  The hangover gods have unleashed their wrath on me and I’m lucky I’m even forming sentences at this point.  Here’s hoping Miss Emily takes it easy on me tonight and I don’t have to feel the room go spinning on me again.  Though you know you’re getting old when you come home from a night of partying and empty the dishwasher.  Yep, that’s ma vida loca.

Melissa:  Yeah, Kalon made the cut last week just to add an element of annoyance (OK, additional element).  However, it did help us add to our drinking game!  WOOHOO, thank you for that submission!  Unfortunately I’ve spent the day poolside pounding Twisted Teas… Lord help me with tonight’s episode.  I may have to switch to plain tea to keep up.  Anywho, this week Emily brings in her ladies to make sure the boys are on the up and up.  Now, I’ve been saying all along they need a few inside folks to get the real dirt.  FINALLY!!

Princess Emily

I said I wanted a non-fat half-caf mocha latte!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Welcome back to Princess Emily and her minions.  Mommy is making her breakfast in bed since Emily is so tired from all her dating.  You’ve been on 3 dates.  You could do more damage in an afternoon just by signing up for Match.com.  I’m thinking you’ll survive.  But we can’t start the show without an appearance from Ricki so that we all know she’s safe & happy.  Though this week, we only get a glimpse since it seems she’s also tired of playing for the cameras.

Melissa:  Wait, Emily gets breakfast in bed from her mom?  How do I get adopted into that family??  Yes, poor thing is so tired from her late night date nights. We feel for you Emily… Sha right.

Puppy Love

You may not be on a tropical island, but you’re still going to work for your date.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Chris is back to congratulate the guys for being part of the final 16.  What an accomplishment!  This week we have two individual dates and one group date.  And we hear the rules again since, you know, they haven’t changed in 22 seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Chris gets the first one-on-one date tonight and the other 15 guys start the panic sweat.

Chris and Emily head out on their date and she is telling him how cute he is again.  Has someone checked her for cataracts?  He has no upper lip!  Anyway, they’re going to have dinner with the best view in town – from the roof of a building.  However, there are no elevators to the top.  They’re going to have to work their way to the top.  Metaphor anyone?  It’s time to rappel for their grub.  Wait, do you rappel up as well as down?  Well, you do tonight.  And you gotta love that they figured out how to getting some outdoorsy rappelling happening in a major metropolitan area.  Oh wait, I forgot.  Charlotte is a quaint Southern town where our sweet little princess lives with all her friends and bluebirds land on her shoulders.  And up they go.  Emily is hoping to find her adventurous side, but it seems more like she’s finding her whiny side.  Not that I wouldn’t be scared as shit too when the lightening starts…  Of course they make it and Emily is feeling great because Chris was so supportive of her.  Ah yes, the love lessons that the Bachelorette teaches us.

Melissa:  Chris is super excited for his date with Emily.  I still don’t get how 100% invested these boys are like 2 hours into the whole process – OK fine, a week into it.  In true Bachelor fashion, we have our “death defying” proving ground for dates.  As the Bachelorette, can’t Emily just veto these activities?  Hey Chris what’s up with not going in for a kiss when you get to the top?  Are you kidding?  There’s something odd about Chris to me.  Not sure what it is, but there’s something.

Rachel:  He has no upper lip.

Luke Bryan performs and Emily makes Chris’s “speakers go boom boom.” Gotta love country music.

Rachel’s What Happened:  At dinner, Emily and Chris are getting their flirt on.  She’s definitely warm for his form.  She is impressed by him and says if she saw him at a bar, she’d be too nervous to speak to him.  OK, either this girl’s mirror is broken or she is really good at this false modesty game.  Or maybe she is just working the “tell me how hot I am and how much you like me” angle… Yeah, that’s it.  Now I’m wise to her game.  Chris tells Emily about his last (and only) girlfriend and that he’s 25.  Suddenly, hot Chris looks a lot like baby Chris.  Emily seems to have missed the memo that her date is still a puppy.  He says he knows he’s young, but he also knows he’s a man.  He’s ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood.  At least, that’s the line he’s towing.  She’s digging him so she’s willing to buy it… For now.  At least, long enough to take him to a country concert and do a little dancing.  And at the end, Chris manages to score the first official kiss of the season.  Oh look, all of Emily’s friends (aka – the residents of Charlotte) get to join them on the dance floor.  Wait, are the lyrics to this song really “You’re lookin’ so good in what’s left of those blue jeans. Drip of honey on the money maker gotta bee”?  Really?

Melissa:  HA, he’s typically not the guy to make the move… No kidding!  You just missed your chance at a kiss.  Ruh-roh… the “age” red flag for Emily.  No worries, he’s ready and he gets his rose.  I would LOVE to be on this show.  I would have them dancing like little puppets for my dates.  “Tonight I want John Legend to serenade me as I have dinner in New Orleans.  Then I want to have dessert in Chicago with Amos Lee.  Finally, as I drop off my date back at the house, I want fireworks.”  I wonder how much these people get paid to perform on the show?  FINALLY, the girl gets a lip smack.  You know she’s been waiting since the top of the building.

Dating As A Committee By Committee

The bachelors answer the tough questions to prove they’re really there for Emily… And by answer questions, we mean perform like monkeys in a circus.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the manse, Tony gives his son a call.  It bums him out to talk to his son because he’s missing him.  But he bucks himself up with the thought that he might be meeting his son’s future mama.  Of course, he’ll have to get a date card to make that happen.  And what coincidentally arrives at the house at that moment?  A date card!  Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Allesandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Travis & Tony are going on a group date!  That leaves Kalon, Kyle and Arie behind.  I wonder who’s getting the next one-on-one…

Emily meets the boys at the park with a football in hand which Ryan takes as a personal love note to him.  Sean, on the other hand, is Bashful Smurf and laments to Doug that he doesn’t know how to approach women.  But before he can muster his courage, Emily disappears over the hill and meets up with her girlfriends. She tells them that they’re going to be interviewing the guys on her date today.  I’m pretty sure the guys would rather have their toenails pulled out one by one than be interrogated by Emily’s girlfriends, but they’ll all fake smile and play along.  And while I’d like to rip this idea to shreds, it’s pretty friggin smart.  I wish I could put my potential boyfriends up to a panel of my girls.  Would save me a lot of time… Like a lot a lot.  And my girls don’t play the Southern charm card either.  First up, Tony.  He is asked what they have in common.  And he gets to drop his card on them – the son.  Point for Tony.  Next Jef is asked if he’s ever dated a woman with a child.  He says yes and tells them about the woman with two children.  They give him some advice which is to actually let Emily know he’s into her.  Too bad they didn’t give him advice about the hair.  Doug, check.  Ryan, check.  Charlie, check.  Then Travis and his egg, Shelly, show up.  The girls aren’t as charmed by it as he had hoped.  No one is Travis.  It’s just weird.  Mark (Wolf) says his worst quality is… Well, he doesn’t get to answer because the girlfriends assume it’s cheating.  He says he’s never cheated and is summarily dismissed.  Not sure he passed that one.  Stevie does the robot for them.  He & his soul patch need to go home already.  Finally, Sean gets to give some info about himself.  He talks about his faith and how his father  taught him to be a man.  The girls swoon.  Wendy even gets him to do some shirtless push-ups… Drink twice for this nonsense, kiddies.

As if that weren’t enough, a clown car of kids is let loose on the guys.  The boys are sent off to play in the park with them and put their money where their mouths are about loving children.  Ryan quickly has his fill of the kids and interrupts girl talk for some alone time with Emily.  His alone time crashes and burns when he says it’s not ok if she goes downhill (looks-wise, I’m assuming) after marriage.  Um, dude, you never say that to a woman and you never ever EVER say that to a woman in front of her friends.  Emily says she’d still love him if he were fat.  He says he would love her fat, he just might not love ON her as much.  And Ryan has hit the skids and tumbled to the bottom of my list.  Enjoy that limp back to the kids after you just shot yourself in the foot.  Arrogant ass.    The girls like Sean & Doug most.  I’m definitely a Doug fan so that makes me happy.

Melissa:  Poor Tony.  I can’t imagine how hard it is to leave your child to be on a show like this.  At least we know this is setting the stage for a breakdown at some point tonight.  Is it evil of me to want a little something exciting in the way of man tears?

Yeah, it’s all fun and games, boys, until you meet the firing squad that awaits beyond the ridge.  I love these girls plotting their approaches for the men… BRILLIANT move producers.  Doug, is still up on the points with me.  And what an awesome reaction to Travis & the crazy egg!  I can’t believe the egg man is still here.  I think Sean is seriously scoring points with Wendy, and I love her taking advantage of her position.  As would I, if the Winey Bitch ever goes on this show… How awesome would that be??

Cocktails and man tears.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for cocktails and jockeying for Emily’s attention.  Emily spends some time with Sean since he made a great first impression with the girls.  He says he’s very selective about who he dates because he won’t settle for less than the best.  I’m really not getting the attractiveness of Sean.  He seems super naive to me and I don’t find him to be as hot as the ladies seem to have found him.  I’m not mad at the abs, but he loses me after that.  Next up, the other favorite, Doug.  Emily wants to get to know more about Doug than just the dad part.  Doug tells her that his mom left him & his sister when they were young.  Their father, who had epilepsy, became a single dad and was raising them on his own.  Sadly, he suddenly passed away from his disease because he didn’t want to spend their grocery money on a doctor.  Oh my God, my heart is so broken for him right now.    He feels badly telling her his sad story, but Emily is impressed with how he hasn’t let it make him bitter.  OK, if she doesn’t marry him, can she send him my way?  I think Doug could get down with the cougar love.  Don’t you?

Meanwhile, Tony is feeling emotional after being with the kids today.  He’s trying to be strong but it’s tough.  When he see Emily, he tells her that he needed the time with some kids.  He gets a little teary talking about his son.  Emily tries to reassure him that it’s harder on him than his son and it is good to focus on yourself once in a while.  He steps outside with Doug and says that he’s thought about going home.  Doug says if his son is in a good place then he should focus on being here and remember that 9 weeks to a 5-year-old is a blip on the radar.  So, instead of sucking it up and pushing through, he calls his son and makes the pain worse.  OK, I don’t have kids, so I’m totally talking out of turn, but if he wants to stay, he’s going to have to suck it up & stop the self-torture.  Emily finds Tony in the alley crying & tries to console him.   She feels badly and she doesn’t want to keep him there if she’s not feeling it 110%.  So, off Tony goes into the sunset.  Yeah, guess he might have wanted to suck it up a little faster.  Damn, this girl is picking them off like flies.  I like it.  She tells the guys that she sent Tony home and they all respect and understand the decision (and are internally stoked that another guy bit the dust).  Jef isn’t shy about saying it out loud… to the camera… when Emily’s not around.  Emily gives the date rose to Sean for backing up who he is.  Um, with what?  Words?  And once again, the Latinos get no air time.  WTF?

Melissa:  I like the interaction with Sean and Emily.  And way to go saying her friends are awesome.  Let’s hope Doug can pull out of the “Dad” image and show more of himself to Emily.  Yeah, I think he nailed it with the Dad story and being split from his sister in Foster Care.  You make me adore you more and more each week, Doug.  Tony begins his breakdown talking about spending time with the kids and how it makes him miss his son even more.  I really do feel for him and how hard it seems to be on him.  I’ve said it before, I don’t know how they can do it.  Aw, I love Doug as the calming voice of reason.  I think Doug needs to be the next Bachelor!!  We should totally start that petition.  I respect Emily letting Tony go, and I think he needed her to tell him to go.  Poor guy was just beyond tortured being away from home.  Sean gets the date rose… I knew him taking his shirt off would have sealed it for him with Wendy.

Dreams of Dollywood

Emily is on her dream date and it has nothing to do with the guy sitting next to her.

Rachel’s What Happened:  And the final date card has arrived.  The lucky winner is Arie.  He’s excited to see Emily and take this up a notch.  Oh, I have a feeling there’s going to be some serious upping of the notches here.  Chris says he has a hard time believing Emily will have the same chemistry with Arie, or any other guy for that matter, that he has with her.  Um, have you actually looked at Arie?  And you did hear that he is a race car driver… and the son of a very famous race car driver, right?  And he has an upper lip?  Just checking.

Anywho, Emily and Arie jet off to Tennessee to Dollywood.  They grab a lemonade, play games in hopes of winning a toy for Ricki and ride the roller coaster while Emily has a mini meltdown.  Next they go to the theater to write a love song, but are quickly interrupted by one Miss Dolly Parton.  I seriously love me some Dolly and Emily clearly does too by her awesome reaction.  She has been a fan since she was little and this is the best surprise she could imagine.  And for a few minutes, Emily wants to give the date rose to Dolly.  Dolly sings while she & Arie dance.  Well, Emily mostly stares at Dolly who tells her that she wrote that song for the two of them.  Emily gets some girl-talk time with Dolly who says that she knows love can last.  She’s been married for almost 46  years and tells Emily to keep the faith.  Then it’s one more song from Dolly and a slow dance with Arie.  He gets major points when he kisses her forehead during the dance.  OK, this is a pretty fantastic date.

Melissa:  I am loving those boots of hers!  No, she did not just take him to Dollywood!!  That’s awesome.  Well played Arie to win something for Ricki Bobby.  You know that scores the points with Emily.  Again with the “meet your fears” approach to dates on the roller coaster?  How cute is Emily when she sees Dolly?  WOW, I didn’t know Dolly has been married for 45 years.  You go, girl!  OMG, I totally want her to marry Arie so Dolly can sing this for their first dance!  Oh  crap, I think that was all the Twisted Tea catching up to me… Sorry.

Did you just say “but”? Don’t say “but”.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Once the Dolly haze wears off, it’s time for dinner and Emily wants to know about his ex-girlfriend with the two kids.  He admits that it was tough breaking up with his ex because he became so attached to her kids.  He said that he wanted to have more kids and she said she didn’t want them.  One would think that would have come up before you both moved in together.  But that being said, the whole thing blew up, and apparently, she didn’t like racing either.  Um, and she was dating him why?  He says a lot of guys will say they’re ready but they don’t really know the reality of it.  He knows he’s ready because he lived it.  He knows what it takes.  I like this guy for her.  OK, he & Doug are my boys.  He wonders if she can handle his busy schedule.  She says she embraces that because she likes her alone time.  All the right answers happening here and she grabs the rose.  But instead of just handing it over, she makes him think she’s sending him home.  Ha, OK, I’ll give her a tip of the hat on that one.  Ah, good times, y’all.  Good times.  Will there be another kiss on the show tonight?  That would be a big fat yes.  Chris who?

Side bar:  Is Emily only allowed to wear Daisy Dukes and stripes?  I know stripes are in (and I’ve personally enjoyed the trend), but come on, give the girl some options.  And while we’re on the subject, she is so much cuter with less make-up.  She looks a solid ten years younger… which would be her actual age.

Melissa:  I like Arie and Emily too.  I like how they quietly interact and I am starting to like him overall a bit more.  He’s no Doug now, but he’s moving up.  Wait, does anyone else feel like making out on a merry-go-round seems a little dirty?

Cocktails & Cocksure Comments

On the left, bad calls. On the right, good calls.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the requisite viewing of Emily & Ricki getting ready for the cocktail party.  Another Stars on Ice costume that is doing no favors for her boobs for Emily as she heads off to see the mens.  Emily tells them that she feels like she’s really taken a step forward this week getting to know the guys and feels a few crushes developing.  That being said, she asks Kalon for one-on-one time and it looks like the men are going to have to sit back and wait for their fate tonight.  Kalon says he took it personally when he didn’t get a date this week.  Chip on the shoulder much?  He hasn’t had to share much in his life and he’s not enjoying sharing her.  Girl, dump him now and dodge the bullet.  You don’t want to date that ego.  He says her sending Tony home showed her to be a lady of class.  She asks him about his feelings about kids.  He says he didn’t dream that his first child wouldn’t be his own.  She interrupts him to ask about his mom having been a single mom and how it would feel if someone said that to her.  Kalon says that while he loves hearing her talk, he wishes she’d let him finish.  The fact that she didn’t get up and walk away at that moment proves she is truly a lady of class and a helluva lot kinder than I would have been in that situation.  What a dick.  He continues by saying that his mother taught him that he has to let go of control.  That parenthood forces you to let go of control.  Too bad she didn’t teach him about respect.  In her personal interview, Emily compliments his mother’s raising of him, but didn’t like his comment.  She likes tall, skinny & cute.  She doesn’t like tall, skinny & condescending.  Amen, sister.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Send him home!

Travis pulls Emily aside and tells her it’s time to get rid of the egg.  Er, I mean Shelly.  I think this is long overdue.  Emily throws Shelly to the ground and I think she was visualizing Kalon when she did it.  Finally, we get time with one of the Latin Lovers!  She is talking to Alessandro and asks how he’d be with kids.  He says he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids.  She asks why she would trust him then.  He says she’d have to teach him and he’s obviously open to it if he’s willing to compromise and be there.  Um, compromise?  Bad word choice, dude.  Let’s hope it’s a language barrier.  She says, maybe you meant “honor”?  He says no, he meant compromise.  He would have to tell his job that he couldn’t travel, or move because he had a wife & kid and that would be a compromise.  Oh boy, so much for that language barrier.  There are some really stupid boys in the house this week.  Lots of shoe leather in the mouth.  This can’t possibly bode well for Alessandro.  Dammit, I wait all this time for some Latin Lover and this is what I get?  Disappointed.  But not as disappointed as Emily who immediately escorts him out of the house.  Apparently, this is after he told her friends he’s cheated as well.  Smooth character this guy.  He says on his way to the airport that he couldn’t give Emily & Ricki what they want anyhow since he lives like a gypsy with all the freedom he’s ever wanted.  So what exactly were you doing on the show?  If you think you’re doing her a favor by compromising yourself, you’re sorely mistaken.  But being that you’re on your way back to Minnesota alone, you probably already figured that one out.

Emily is understandably pissed and Arie brings her a cocktail and a hug.  Smart guy.  Hot and smart guy.  I want one!  The guy.  Not the cocktail… though I probably wouldn’t turn down the cocktail either.  Ryan is shocked to find that Arie & Emily are kissing in the house.  Guess you aren’t king of the mountain after all.  Good Ol’ Boy Sean gets her alone and says he’s been missing her.  He said if this were real life, he would have texted her already and wanted to see her.  But he wants to talk to her about his readiness to be a great dad thanks to the lessons his father has taught him.  He says Ricki would be his child as far as he’s concerned.  Perfect time to say that, Sean.  Well played.  And he gets some lip out of the deal.  Oh boy, Ryan’s rectangle head is going to explode if he finds out.

Melissa:  Kalon goes for the “smart guy” look in hopes of wooing our fair Emily.  Oh snap, he did not just tell her to hush up so he could talk.  That was very stupid, my dear.  Shelly is gone and I didn’t even know that the egg had a name!  We’ll miss you… Enjoy afterlife with Humpty Dumpty.  OK Alessandro, clearly you need to think through your words, or maybe it really is the language barrier.  Compromise is NEVER a good word to use when you’re speaking of a child – that will earn you a ticket home… which it just did.  Buh-bye, Gypsy King.  Oh, a little sneaky smooch from Arie to console her after her trying night.  Nice.  Oh Sean, you’re moving up too, winning me with your sweetness.

Rose Ceremony

Don’t make me mad. You wouldn’t like me when I’m mad.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony.  Two guys have already been sent packing so only one guy is going to be the odd man out at tonight’s ceremony.

Staying:  Chris, Arie, Sean, Jef, Charlie, Doug, Michael, Travis, Alejandro, Ryan, John, Kalon & Nate.

Going:  Tony, Alessandro and Break-dancing Stevie

But before we say good-bye, Ryan is still fuming about Arie & Emily kissing.  Apparently, he’s not going to sit back and let another man move in on his territory.  He’s a competitor and Arie is his unwitting enemy.  Did he just call Arie “dainty”?  That’s dainty to you?  Ok, ‘Roid Rager, time to simmer down.  You are just finding new levels of bottom tonight.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Well, some of the crew is certainly getting motley.  Ryan certainly fell from grace fast this week.  And we all knew Kalon was a douche bag but I thought he’d manage to play it cooler than that with Emily a little bit longer.  But in the end, Stevie and his soul patch got sent packing.  I’m surprised he actually stuck around this long.  I still think it’s Arie’s to lose, but I’m also pulling for Doug.  And Charlie.

Melissa:  Color me wringing my hands with delight.  Man, we saw some seriously bad sides to some of these boys this week!  Sadly, Kalon makes it through another week, BUT since we added him to the drinking game, I guess we need to keep him here another week to ensure we’re all completely drunk by the end of the show.

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