I wonder if it’s time for more Botox.

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh boy oh boy oh boy!  Tamra & Alexis face off tonight!  I hope it’s as fabulous in real life as it is in my head.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It will never live up to the Dynasty-esque scene I’ve created in my head.  Well, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it anyhow.

So post-screaming-match Vicki is back at work.  Man, I’d hate to be her employee the day after that battle royale.  But Brooks shows up at work with coffee & breakfast for her before the monster came out.  And of course, with any good breakfast comes some deep thoughts by Brooks.  This guy gives me the heebie jeebies.  There’s a shiny veneer over everything he says and it just oozes BS.  How does she not see it?  Well, we’ve all been in that relationship where the huge red flags are waving in your face and you pretend you don’t see them.  Welcome, Vicki.  Just be careful you don’t suffocate yourself.

Heather meets her friend & former co-star, Dina, for lunch.  They starred together on Men Behaving Badly once upon a blue moon (though as far as IMDB is concerned it was more like she was in one episode, so we use the term “co-star” loosely).  Heather is lamenting her move to the OC and I don’t blame her.  I couldn’t do the OC… Then again, I didn’t think I could do Florida, but here I am!  Her friend says that Heather has a shelf life of about 10 more years before she won’t be able to get much work anymore so she has to decide what’s important.  Apparently, Dina is too old at 46 to play Harrison Ford’s wife as far as Hollywood standards go.  And for those playing at home, Harrison clocks in at a ripe old age of 69… Wait… Indiana Jones is about to be 70???  Jesus, I’m getting old.  And shame on Hollywood for still being so sexist.  But Heather’s big decision is whether or not she should take her husband’s name which would mean giving up her stage name… and in turn giving up her career.  Honey, no offense, but it’s not like you were winning Emmys.  I think you’re doing just fine where you are.  But I shall grant her a mourning period as it is the end of an era and the end of a dream.  My generosity knows no bounds.

After her chat with Heather last week, Gretchen decides to confront Slade about his paternity and alimony issues.  She doesn’t think he is realistic about what’s going on so she suggests seeing a therapist.  Slade says they are fine talking amongst themselves.  She’s not swayed so he agrees to go to a therapist.  That boy knows where his bread is buttered.  Ah, anyone remember the last time Slade went to a therapist on this show?  I believe that ended with him being dumped by Jo on national television.  Good luck and godspeed, Slade.

Alexis is on her way to an Alexis Couture photo shoot now that her fashion line is “blowing up”.  Wonder what that really means.  This shoot is for Beauty & Entertainment Magazine (never heard of it) and she is going to be on the cover with a spread inside.  She tells the photographer that she’ll give them 10 minutes for each outfit.  Good luck with that one.  She’s been doing this long enough that she is pretty much a professional model.  Too bad nobody told her about not pissing off the client.  Where’s Tyra when you need her?  Wow, Alexis really is the epitome of the saying “Ignorance is bliss.”

Heather goes to the DMV to officially change her name to Dubrow.  She thinks Terry will be really happy that she did it.  The best part is that Heather keeps making jokes to all the workers there and gets exactly zero laughs.  Poor girl.  No one told her that there’s no joking at the DMV.  It’s only a place for rage and tears.

Tamra is off to start her own gym.  The real estate market is in the shitter so it’s time for her to find a new source of income.  Inspired by her father’s own entrepreneurial spirit, she goes to meet with some guys that already own a gym to get advice.  She wants to know how long it will be from signing a lease ’til she can open the doors and if her budget is realistic.  She’s looking 30 days if she busts her ass and the gym owner thinks her budget is realistic.  All good news for Tamra.  I like this new woman that showed up this season.  She’s a much nicer, happier, down-to-earth version of who she used to be…. And boy, did I despise who she used to be.  I give you a tip o’ the hat, Tamra, and good wishes for a successful biz.

Meanwhile, Vicki is putting together a girls’ trip to Costa Rica for 4 days.  She calls and invites Alexis who would love to go to Costa Rica… which is in Mexico.  Wow.  My lord she is single-handedly keeping the dumb blonde image alive and kicking.  You book a ticket to Mexico, sweetie.  Let us know how it is.  Then Vicki calls Gretchen whose voicemail message still tells everyone to call Slade if they want to get a hold of her.  That is seriously one of the tackiest messages on the planet.  Who does that?  Hi, I’m too busy to talk to you so call my boyfriend/assistant/bitch and he’ll let me know what you want because he has nothing better to do with his time… like look for a paying job with which to support his kids.

Heather goes to surprise Terry at work with her new name.  She knows that he’ll be touched but is surprised when he actually gets teary-eyed over it.  That’s super cute. They’re a very sweet couple.  He said that it feels like it’s really real now that she has his name… Not that it wasn’t really real before.   It’s just really cool, he says.  And you know what, it is.  I can’t even be snarky about this.

Tamra is holding auditions for instructors for her new gym.  She wants new and

When did this turn into Cirque du Stripper?

unique ideas for classes.  Some are really good.  Some are really bad.  And some are really…. awkward, like the girl who puts both her legs behind her head while wearing super short shorts.  While Tamra tries not make direct eye contact with her chooch, Eddie is mesmerized.  Sorry Eddie, that kind of “exercise” happens only in clubs where money is exchanged in single denominations.

On the way to see the therapist, Gretchen & Slade get into an argument over texting while driving… or texting while sitting in traffic as it were.  Seems like a good start to the day.  They finally make it and get into the issue at hand… Slade’s finances.  Gretchen says that she doesn’t want to make bad decisions again just because she’s in love.  Then she shares this juicy little tidbit.. She’s given Slade money in the past to pay his child support.  You did what?  You are insane, woman.  But she can’t keep doing that because it’s her enabling him to keep

Wait. You’re serious? I have to work?

behaving the way he shouldn’t be behaving.  Um, yeah.  How is Slade not humiliated at this point?  He tells her that it will be handled.  The therapist tells him to tell Gretchen how it’s going to be handled.  Genius says it’s going to be handled because he’s going to handle it.  Awesome plan!  Let’s see what Gretchen thinks?  Gretchen thinks she’s heard that load of crap for three years now.  Next genius plan?  Well, why don’t we blame it on Gretchen?  Seems he can’t make great strides because he’s busy doing things for her.  That’s how you want to play this?  The therapist has heard enough and flat out asks him if he wants to make money.  He says yes and admits that he should put more focus on cleaning up his past.  The therapist says to pick a time in the day that he will spend on fixing his mess.  He says he will but Gretchen will distract him.  Way to sling more mud in your girlfriend’s face.  She doesn’t trust he’s going to do it, but they agree that he’ll work from 10 – 2 every day without her distracting him.  And she’ll trust that he’s using the time wisely.  Good luck with that.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for… Well, I’ve been waiting for… Tamra v Alexis.  Alexis wants to clear the air before Costa Rica.  Tamra is… there.  Alexis wants to know where their friendship made a wrong turn and how they can get past it.  Tamra is wondering when they had a friendship to make a wrong turn in the first place.  She says that they’re just different people.  Then up comes the nose job debacle at the Bunko party.  Tamra doesn’t understand why she lied about getting a nose job when she’s talked about getting a nose job for three years.  It’s just more of Alexis’s pattern of denying the truth.  Alexis says she doesn’t have to justify it to her.  Tamra asks her why she’s justifying it then.  Excellent question.  One that Alexis can’t answer.  It starts to go around again and Tamra tries to diffuse it by saying that they don’t have anything in common.  See, now at this point, a smart woman would get that Tamra is saying she doesn’t like her and leave it at that.  End of story.  Moving along.  But not Alexis.  She keeps pushing Tamra about being real to her face and not talking behind her back.  Have you not met Tamra before?  She’s not going to keep sugar coating it for you… And there it is.  You’re shallow & fake.  This sends Alexis tailspinning into a rant about how caring and generous she is.  Yeah, this wasn’t going to go well.  Finally… FINALLY Alexis clues in that Tamra isn’t going to acquiesce and play nice so she decides to leave.  On her way out, Alexis requests that Tamra be respectful of her & her marriage behind her back.  Honey, she isn’t respectful to your face.  All bets are off behind your back, especially when her response is “I don’t give a shit about you or your marriage.”  Well, alrighty then.  Costa Rica should be fun.

Bottom Line:  Yep, it looks like Alexis poked the bear and the claws are still out in Costa Rica.  Whoops.

Oh yeah, I’ve still got it. Hot, burning, sexy, unstoppable heat right here.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Down to the final three and yes we were conspicuously absent last week.  That’s all on me.  Sometimes life gets in the way and I just wasn’t able to get you our thoughts in time for tonight’s show.  I apologize, but I trust that you all survived the week without our witty banter.   Anywho, it all comes down to tonight’s & tomorrow night’s dances. It’s a really close race and week after week the contestants have brought their A-games.  Can’t wait to see what they’ve got in store for us tonight.

Melissa:  Oh boy… I’m not going to be happy regardless.  I can’t imagine any of these folks losing the mirror ball.  Maybe it’s just my detox shakes (long weekend with my Winey Bitch), but I’m all jittery with excitement to see what these couples have in store for us tonight.  I can hardly wait!!

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Raise Your Glass” by Pink

Rachel’s What Happened:  The first dance tonight is picked by the judges.  Cheryl tells William that a judge will be coming to tell them what dance they will be doing.  William guesses it will be Bruno stopping by, and of course, it is.  There’s no doubt he wouldn’t have let anyone else deliver the news.  Any chance to be close to William… Can’t blame him.  They will be doing the Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says his hip action is sex on legs, but the other two finalists are just as talented.  Yeah, that boy really can work those hips.  He rocks the Cha Cha with no problems.  He was born for this.  Len says loud & proud!  That was as good as he’s ever seen in 14 seasons of Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says that was an intoxicating Cuban cocktail of natural flowing moves.  His hip action leaves him green with envy.  Carrie Ann says the magic is still there and so is the sophistication.  He has grown miles.

Melissa:  Yes, you know Bruno was all-in to help William with his Cha Cha this week… Naughty Boy Bruno.  Oh, I’m liking this cha-cha.  I’ll say it again, William is just meant to shake his hips and ass.  I can’t hate any of that action tonight.  Apparently neither can the judges.  He rocked 10s across the board.

Score:  30

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Paso Doble to “España Cañi” by Erich Kunsel

Rachel’s What Happened:  Len tells them that they are dancing the Paso Doble.  He tells them that this time around they need to temper the aggression with finesse.  Hopefully, this will get her the ten from Len.  OK, it’s rather unfair that this woman is gorgeous, sweet, funny, can sing like an angel and dance like this.  It’s hard to hate her because she’s so adorable and that dance was on point.  Bruno says that was a Paso Doble full of vivid lustrous artistry.  Her shape extended beautifully.  Technical brilliance.  Carrie Ann said it was like watching a prima ballerina.  Every move was perfectly executed.  Len says it was like a buffet of Spanish tapas.  Lots to satisfy your taste buds.  Fabulous.

Melissa:  Oh, mama likes this Paso… Nice and clean, not too much.  Dig that skirt action, Miss K!  Oh, and Maria came to watch… How supportive.  You know she’s totally wishing it was her.  DAY-UM, another perfect score!!

Score:  30

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Argentine Tango to “They” by Jem

Rachel’s What Happened: Carrie Ann tells Donald that he will be dancing the Argentine Tango.  She says what was lacking in their last tango was content in the choreography so don’t waste time with filler.  Make the moves bigger and bring it.  Holy skimpy dress, Peta!  Um, that was hot hot hot.  I have goose bumps.  Carrie Ann says she loved it the first time and she loved it again.  She loved the crispness to his moves.  Len says he felt there was far more content.  He loved the set-up and the intensity.  It was a tad careful but a vast improvement over the last time.  Bruno says he went for the subtle and intimate.  Small in detail but very strong storytelling.  He could read everything in the story and it was very very effective.

Melissa:  Carrie Ann wants his Tango moves to be bigger… And bigger he’ll go.  Oh, and a lift to start things off.  Man this is an awesome Tango.  She’s fantastic with her choreography if you ask me.  I know you didn’t, but this is what I do… Put my 2 cents in.  Isn’t that kinda why you’re here?

Score:  29 – Oh Len, you’re such a pain in the ass!

Time for the freestyle!

William Levy

William and Cheryl freestyle to “Obsession” by Shakira

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cheryl says this is the most important dance of the season.  It will make it or break it.  Cheryl thought he did such a great dance with his Argentine Tango, so she’s going to go for a sexy dance.  Yeah, she knows what the ladies like.  He’s having a hard time with the lifts, but he knows with great risk comes great reward.  Ok, this wasn’t my favorite dance of his.  I feel like they relied too much on him being sexy.  He’s a better dancer than that.  I’m sure I’m alone on this one though.  Len says what he does he does well.  He liked it.  He liked the rhythm changes, but it was too predictable.  All he did was shake his butt and make the women scream.  (See, Len’s with me!)  Bruno says they were like two devils unleashed upon the earth into a Latin extravaganza.  Carrie Ann does the robot and I have no idea why.  She says that it what a freestyle should be.  Then there is some arguing between her & Len, which Tom isn’t interested in hearing since he just talks right over them.  Ha… Love Tom.

Melissa:  Cheryl is working the lifts with William, and he’s a bit, um… Not so great with it all.  But you know how this works… “Oh, I’m not good.”  Then it’s 10s.  OK, that was really wonderfully executed.  That was hot and that’s what the people want to see.  Oh, Len thinks it was too predictable with his butt shaking.  Um Len, that’s what gets the votes my dear… That’s what this is all about, the votes.  And if Carrie Ann is any indication, the ladies like the shaking of the bon-bon as it were.

Score:  29

Night’s Total:  59

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark freestyle to “Sing, Sing, Sing (With A Swing)” by Benny Goodman

Rachel’s What Happened: This is where Mark excels so I’m super excited to see this dance.  Mark says he thinks she’s the most versatile dancer of the bunch so he wants to show that off.  He’s combining so many dances that she has to really just go with it.  There’s no time to think.  Oh we get to hear her sing too!  Awesome.  This dance is so much fun but I wonder if she’s going to get dinged for the flat shoes because she’s not pointing her toes.  Plus, she just muffed the landing on a lift.  But the choreography was awesome.  Bruno says that was a fast and flamboyant tour de force through all ages of swing.  So much content so fast and so well executed.  You were on the money all the way through.  Carrie Ann says she is such a fabulous performer.  She can do anything.  That was the dance of a champion.  Len says if he was dreaming don’t wake him up.  This was a freestyle.

Melissa:  Mark is going to bring out all the stops with his choreography for the freestyle.  She’s still the cutest little pip of a thing.  Oh really, playing up the singing?  This is some legit piece of work, and I LOVE IT!!  That was craziness hopped up on Red Bull… AWESOME!  Yeah, we all saw that perfect score coming, and well deserved, my kiddies!

Score:  30

Night’s Total:  60

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta freestyle to “I Play Chicken with the Train” by Cowboy Troy

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, the song title alone makes me intrigued, but I want Donald to BRING IT on this one.  I know he’s got it in him to rock this out.  And I am solidly Team Donald at this point.  He may have beaten my Steelers in the Super Bowl, but I’m pulling for him anyhow.  They’re going to dance to a country song to push it out of the box and show the judges that he’s more than hip-hop.  I’m super excited for this.  Seriously, you’d think it was my birthday.  And hey, Cowboy Troy is here! Woohoo!  That was amazing!  Too much fun!  Len I’m coming for you if you don’t give him a 10!  Now, THAT’S how you freestyle.  Carrie Ann is out of her chair.  She says this was by far her favorite finals and this was by far her favorite dance tonight!  Len says, in football, catches win matches. And chances win dances.  He came out, charged the field and he took a chance.  Fantastic!  Bruno can’t resist a ride in the wild wild west.  As rides go, this was a country-inspired triumph!

Melissa:  Oh boy, going with the “country” theme.  Well played, Donald.  Oh sh*t and Peta gets a bloody lip to boot.  OK, I’m all-in with Donald still.  This is le-F’ing-git!  Dare I even offer up a 2 Legit 2 Quit… Those lifts were RE-DIC-U-LOUS!!  If that doesn’t get a perfect score, I’m out.

Score:  30 – About damn time!

Night’s Total:  59

Final Final

Rachel’s What Happened: Here it is kids.  The final show.  Last year, we all pretty much knew JR was going to take home the mirror ball trophy, deservedly so.  This yeah, it’s anyone’s game.  All three are incredibly talented… and it’s seriously the best looking top three ever.  That certainly doesn’t hurt.  Though I’m going to hedge my bets and say it will come down to the two guys.  It’s hot Latin Lover vs Packer Nation.  Both very strong fan bases.  I love Katherine, but I’m not sure the votes will be there.

We start with a pro dance that features the eliminated stars from the season.  You know, you gotta give them one last moment in the spotlight before they, for the most part, slip back into obscurity.  And we get to see Tristan one last time.  Did we really need Maks doing a stripper move with his shirt?  No.  We did not.

Donald & Peta get the encore dance and the high praise of Len saying it was one of the best freestyles of all time.

Melissa:   Yep, I’m still 100% team Donald and can’t wait to see him get his mirrorball.  I think he and Peta are a completely brilliant team.  My only problem with the the finale is that it’s a whole 1:55 of fluff for the 10 seconds to hear who won.  Well, let me just put this out there:  If it’s not Donald, I’ll refuse to watch next season, and there isn’t anything that other Winey Bitch can do about it.  OK, maybe her awesome sangria could convince me…

Sherri is back and gets her moment to shine.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Normally, we know I hate wasting time on this show, but I’m not mad at bringing back Sherri Shepherd to give us a little “It’s Raining Men”.  She’s just a good time always.  However, I’m less thrilled with Jack Wagner.  OMG do we really have to go through the entire season?  We all watched!  We’re clear on what happened.  I don’t need to relive any of the dances.  Certainly not Melissa and Maks.  And I most definitely to not need a freestyle from Roshon & Chelsea.  What I need are my last dances from the final three and some Mirror Ball Trophy presentation.  Blah blah blah… Kelly Clarkson… blah blah blah… more flashbacks.  Grrr…

An hour & 15 minutes in they actually start with the finale.  What a waste of my time.

Melissa:  HA, I loves me some Sherri too, but as much as I love her, I could do without this number, thought I adore the Weather Girls.  Why do we have to bring back the people voted off?  We got rid of them… Why are they back other than for me to see some Tristan again and kill the clock.

William Levy 

William & Cheryl dance the Salsa to “Juventud de Presente” by Tito Puente

Rachel’s What Happened: Cheryl is sad to be dancing her last dance with William because he’s been such an inspiration to her.  Yeah, that’s why you’re sad.  Just admit you’ve enjoyed rubbing up against that body.  We won’t be mad at you.  We’ll all wink & nod in womanly understanding. William has enjoyed his time too.  Yeah, you got yourself a role on a TV show.  And we’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know you, sir.  Happy times for everyone! William’s last dance showcases what he does best, shake those hips.  Oh, he does it so well.  I think I’ll miss that most of all.  Len says if salsa & rhythm were in the Olympics, he’d have a gold medal.  He’s been a fan since Week 1 & he’s gotten more 10s from Len than anyone.  The reason is because he deserved them.  Bruno says when it comes down to hot, sexy salsa, hips don’t lie.  Nobody does it better than William.  Carrie Ann says he’s heated up the ballroom with his passion and his presence.  But what makes him so special is that he has true star quality.

Melissa:  OK, again, I do love William shakin’ what his Mama gave him.  I’m a big girl and have no problem admitting it.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Jive to “Splish Splash” by Bobby Darin

Rachel’s What Happened:  Jiving makes Katherine really happy.  Love that.  Really, she’s too cute.  Hate her.  And by hate, I mean love.  It’s a very confusing situation for me.  So let’s just watch her dance, shall we?  Another fabulous dance by Miss Katherine.  She knows how to pull off cutesy without making it schmaltzy.  She nailed all the moves.  Great way to go out.  Bruno says she’s the girl that has it all.  She truly is one of the most wonderful competitors they’ve ever had.  A truly stunning dancer.  Carrie Ann says it’s true.  She is such a brilliant artist.  She thinks they are the ones that set the bar so high.  Len says she is the complete package.

Melissa:  Aw.  Again, she’s just the cutest little button of a girl.  So sweet.  If William is meant for the Latin dances, this girl is meant for the upbeat Jives.

Score:  30

Total:  90 of 90

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Beggin” by Madcon

Rachel’s What Happened:  Donald is tired during rehearsal and isn’t feeling in top form.  But he knows this dance will make them or break them, so he knows he has to push through.  It’s bittersweet for him because he will miss the memories he’s made in the dance studio.  Ooh Lawd, Donald shirtless.  Yes, please!  It takes a real man to pull off hot pink pants and he does.  He also pulls off the dance in flawless fashion.  He’s got us all “Beggin’”.  Carrie Ann says he’s a fierce competitor.  It’s his intensity.  It’s his passion.  She can see his love for the show and his determination to win.  She thinks he’s the one to beat.  Len says no one is a loser tonight.  They’ve had some great footballers on this show in the past, but he is the best.  (Hey now!)  Bruno says another massive hit by Donald the Magnificent.  He really has had the strategy of champion.  He took the comments and improved week after week.  He peaked at the right time.

Melissa:  I’m still Team Donald tonight. I’ve backed my horse in this race, so come on you two!!  Gotta say, I’m not gonna hate that he’s comfortable with his shirt off.  Then again, any man built like that better be comfortable.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

The First Elimination

The final three couples wait to find out who will be eliminated first.

Rachel’s What Happened: So, Gladys came back and sang for us first while we saw images of the final three from the season on the big screens.  That was lovely.  I can’t be mad at that. And Katherine getting misty is making me misty.  Stop it!  But it’s time to find out who’s going home and who’s going on to the Final Two.  I’m nervous… I really wish they could all win… And I’m so not that girl.  But they all truly deserve it.  Unfortunately, William & Cheryl are the first to leave the ballroom, which is a bit funny considering she is the only that looks confident in the picture above.  Aw, his son is so upset.  Sweet thing.

Melissa:  William and Cheryl get their 3rd place and his poor little boy is crying for Daddy.

The Moment…

It’s down to the Donald & Peta and Katherine & Mark. One of these couples is moments away from the Mirror Ball Trophy.

Rachel’s What Happened: Oh boy… Here we go.  I’m pulling for Donald here.  Again, I think they all deserve it, but I so want him to have it.  He wants it so badly.  And he really brought it every week.  Who knew there was so much smoothness in that massive body.  Then again, Katherine is so flawless… Ah!  This is torture!  Just tell us…

And the winner is… Donald Driver!  And he goes to the floor.  LOL… He’s awesome.  OMG, I’m such a mess… I’m totally crying.  That little crying baby of his is beyond too cute too.  And to see him with his wife is so great.  They rock.  Yay!

Melissa:  YES!!  My boy Donald gets his Mirrorball Trophy for the mantel!!  I knew my bedazzled jersey would be just what he needed.

Donald & Peta hoist the Mirrorball Trophy in celebration of their victory.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Ah, good times.  Good times.  What a great season.  To think that just a few seasons ago, I refused to watch this show and now I’m sitting her blubbering like a fool.  Those producers are going to have a really hard time duplicating this season’s magic next season.  I hope they’ve already started making some phone calls.

Melissa:  Wow, for real that was an amazing season – one I won’t soon forget.  WOW, they seriously need to step it up like crazy for the fall to keep me anywhere near as entertained as I was this season.

Our Thoughts:  

Emily, Schmemily. This is what you call a blonde bombshell.

Rachel:  Oh, how I love that the Muppets are popular again.  Such a happy  memory from my childhood.  The show, the movies, the songs…. The Rainbow Connection, Bein’ Green… which is what I have a feeling I will be when I am done watching this episode.  Between the gosh gollies and the drinking game we so brilliantly devised, I think it’s going to be a nauseating evening.  Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but I’m bracing for impact.  And by that, I mean I’m holding on tight to my wine glass.  BTW, I read an interesting article in this week’s In Touch magazine that claims that this group of Bachelors is the wealthiest group ever.  They say that not only is Emily getting paid double what the other Bachelorettes & Bachelors have gotten paid, but that all the men had to be “prequalified as wealthy.”  Don’t be fooled by job descriptions like “mushroom farmer” either.  Apparently, Alejandro has made a fortune selling eco-friendly grow-your-own-mushroom kits.  And Arie’s last name?  Luyendyk.  Now, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger… Not that I necessarily blame her.

Melissa:  Well this week it’s up to the guys to prove they can be a good papa to Ricky Bobby, and yeah, there will be a little hanging with the Muppets… How awesome is that??

Homies 

The obligatory weekly strolls are now replaced by taking Ricki to the park while we hear deep thoughts.

Rachel’s What Happened:  So it’s official.  The bachelors are in a mansion in Charlotte and not being held hostage in a Holiday Inn like Melissa was worried they were.  Not sure that warrants us having to watch a news broadcast on the subject, but I guess we’re going to have to be reminded constantly that this season is being filmed in Charlotte, as if we can’t remember that from week to week.  Or maybe we’re supposed to believe all their nonsense about how Charlotte is this tiny Southern town that’s been invaded by the Bachelorette.  Um, hate to burst your “quaint little southern” bubble, but there are 1.5 million people hanging out in the Charlotte Metro area.  That does not a small town make.  No, it’s not Los Angeles, but it’s not like you moved production to Poughkeepsie.  And call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure most of the Charlotte residents were blissfully unaware that Emily was honoring them with her quest for love.

But what’s really important here, we find out, is that Emily is able to stay in touch with her mom & friends during this process since she’s in Charlotte as we see her in the park have a pow-wow with her girls about her upcoming dates.  Man, they are really breaking all their rules for this girl.  She must have a vajayjay dipped in gold the way people are bending over backwards for her on this show.  That or the ratings must have been really low on the last Bachelorette that they needed a sure thing this time around.  I’m going to go with the latter, though I’m not ruling out the former just yet.

Melissa:  Um, did we have to intro with the news update?  I mean I get that it’s big, but come on.  I don’t like that she gets to have people to talk to.  I think I want to be selfish and have her be completely confused and only have the bag of rocks Chris to bounce things off of.  Speaking of… Chris, everyone knows how the show works.  You don’t need to give the details again… and again and again…  Though I have to give the guys props for looking “surprised” to hear that they might not get a rose on a date and have to go home immediately.

‘Tangle Head 2

This was not my idea of a hot first date.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time to find out who got the first one-on-one date – AKA the first guy to have a target on his back.  And the first lucky bachelor is… drum roll… Ryan!  He’s one of my frontrunners so I hope he brings the magic.  Well, first I hope he does something about that ridiculous haircut, then I hope he brings the magic.  Though maybe it’s less his hair and more that his head is a perfect rectangle.  I think he might even be more of a “‘tangle head” than Ames was… and we know how I loved me some Ames.  He’s like Ames on steroids.  Anywho, I do like that he says that if you treat a woman like a queen she will treat you like a king.  More men need to understand that.  Well, more men that I date.  Ryan wonders what the date will be like and thinks maybe airplanes or hot air balloons.  Instead, he gets to help Emily bake cookies at her house for her daughter’s soccer game.  Anyone else see the light go out in Ryan’s eyes?  Haven’t I been saying that the ridiculous over-the-top dates are just set-ups for disappointment when real life strikes?  Glad to see someone has been listening.  Now if only I could get that “On The Wings Of Love” request granted.  While I doubt this all she has in store, it’s a good first date.  On a side note, I have the same t-shirt that Ryan is wearing.  Wonder what that says about his fashion sense… or mine…. other than we both buy t-shirts at Old Navy.

Meanwhile, the guys are back at the mansion discussing whether or not Ryan will meet Ricky on the first date.  Doug, who also has a child, says no way.  Emily proves him right by taking the cookies to the soccer game and leaving Ryan sitting in the car wondering when he’s going to get to ride in a helicopter.  He says he is actually pretty honored to be spending this day with Emily and being part of her everyday life.  Two thumbs up for Ryan.

Melissa:  Ryan, who clearly just woke up or has mastered the art of the rooster-bed-head look, gets the first date with Emily.  No pressure dude, you can either set the bar high, or just lay it on the floor.  Love the obligatory shirtless scene as he gets ready.  OK, now it’s time for the ladies to enjoy some eye candy… Rather, attempts at it.  Seriously producers, you bring the Winey Bitches on board, and we’ll give the audience something to look at.  Wait, are you kidding me?  Date time is bringing in groceries and “Mommy” stuff?  Well, at least there’s a realistic aspect to this season.  Of course Ryan thinks it’s “awesome”.  He ain’t no dummy.

I’m glad to see that Ryan isn’t going to meet Ryan, because that’s just a wee much if you ask me.  It’s not right to put a child into that situation.  So he’s not wandering down to soccer practice, but she’s not going to stay.  OK Emily, consider that your first ding…  Just showing up to pass out treats then jetting for a date?

As cool as the other side of the pillow.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Since Ryan passed the “dressed-down baking cookies hanging at home” test, he gets dinner with Emily.  And clearly we’re stepping it up a notch with her rented Maserati.  They show up at a restaurant with fans outside waiting to take pictures of Emily.  You know, because Charlotte is a small town and she considers everyone her friend.  Seriously?  Come on.  Look I get she’s got a “role” to play, but cut us some slack.

Hey, this Ryan is a smooth character.  Emily is afraid the guys will see this as a game to win and not really want her in the end.  Ryan says that, for some of the guys, it will be a game.  But he wants to compete in the sense that he wants to put his best foot forward at all time.  Well played.  He makes her start to think that there are some other guys there for the wrong reasons while he’s just a good ol’ boy.  See. Smooth.  Emily is smitten with Ryan but is afraid he’s too perfect… kinda like Brad.  Wait, are we talking about the same Brad?  The one that had to have therapy sessions for his anger issues during the Bachelor?  The one you didn’t even make it to After The Final Rose with? That perfect guy? And are we going to have to endure her comparing every guy to Brad for the entire season?  It’s like Ashley & Bentley all over again.  Well, at least Emily had an actual relationship with Brad.  That puts her a good solid step ahead of Ashley.  Though I feel like she might be right about him being a little too perfect…  He says he wants her to make it hard for him and to make her chase him.  Yeah, sure you do, dude.  Smitten with Ryan, she gives him the rose and ends the date with a concert by Gloriana.  Ah, now the people all make sense.  They’re there for the concert.  Friends/Gloriana fans…. Same difference.  Well played, producers.  Speaking of hot dates, that lead singer for Gloriana is yum.  If I were Emily, I’d be lobbying to add him to the mansion.

Melissa:  Holy putting the poor guy on the spot before appetizers!  Couldn’t even let him get a cocktail down before she started with the hard questions.  Wait, she doesn’t want to be the prize?  Um, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone on a show that offers you up as a prize… Twice.

Group Date Time

Lust knows no humiliation.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Thirteen lucky bachelors are heading out for the first group date of the season.  They are:  Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Jef, John, Chalrie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon.  Let’s note that my other frontrunner, Arie, is not on the list.  A one-on-one date for the Dutch boy?  The guys find out they’re going to be performing in a show to raise money for the The Ricky Hendrick Centers for Intensive Care at The Levine Children’s Hospital.  That just rolls off the tongue.  Boy, I hope these guys realize they’re going to live in the shadow of her late fiancee the rest of their lives…

Anyway, she brought some friends along to help her – Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.  OK, how can you not smile when you see the Muppets?  So, some guys get to dance, some get to sing and some are doing stand-up comedy with Fozzie Bear.  No one is super thrilled about performing in front of an audience (even though they’re on a TV show in front of millions of people), but Charlie is having an actual meltdown.  He has insecurities about speaking which is putting “fear in his heart” so he goes to see Emily.  He tells her that he’s embarrassed, but he doesn’t know if he can do the comedy routine he’s been assigned on his own due to the speech issues he has from his accident.  Emily has no issue with it and moves him to a different part of the show.  Seriously though, anyone who would have an issue with that would seriously need to have their head examined for trauma.  Aw, sweet Charlie.  I want to hug him.  Tight.  And have him hug me back.  Tight.  You know, I like to help where I can.

Emily performs a  musical routine with a few guys.  Charlie holds his own in an interview with Miss Piggy.  And Kyle and John do their comedy routine.  Let’s be honest, after the disaster that was Ashley’s comedy date, we’re all cringing waiting to hear this go down.  But it seems only the lame jokes were cringe-inducing this time around.  One more reason for Ashley to stick another pin in her Emily voodoo doll.

Melissa:  Love that the guys line up to give her a hug… That cracks me up.  Oh tonight’s for charity.  OK, I can’t snark on that.  I can snark on the rest, but not that.  So jealous they are chilling with Kermit and Miss Piggy and Fozzie!  Poor Charlie has a fear of public speaking.  UGH, hopefully Emily cuts him a little slack.  I know I would, and he’s even sweeter now.  Alright, here’s my question… Why do the producers continue to make the bachelors attempt to be funny?  It never is and they look like jackasses.  Oh, love how well Charlie did with Miss Piggy!!  He’s climbing the rungs with me!!  I’m also loving this show.  Who doesn’t love the Muppets and charity?  You wily Bachelorette Producers… You always know how to pull me back in.  I even have a teary moment during the Rainbow Connection!  DAMN YOU!!

Are you really talking to me?

Time for the cocktail party… and for the men to jockey for one-on-one time.  I have to say I do get a bit of a chuckle out of watching men fumble over themselves to impress her.  She tells Chris he’s so good looking, but he doesn’t come across as someone that thinks that.  Yeah, I’m wondering if it’s because he’s not actually that good looking.  He’s one of those guys that looks good from certain angles but as soon as you catch him from another angle, it doesn’t work anymore.  It’s confusing to my little head.  Jef isn’t giving Emily any attention and she wants to know why, which puts him into a bit of defensive mode.  He thinks this process is weird and she says she knows how he feels.  Poor thing looks like a deer with Rick Astley hair caught in headlights.  Stevie goes slow-dancing with Emily & is busted by Charlie who finds it hilarious.  The other guys go to check it out, which gives Kalon time to plot his next move…. which is to cut in on the dance & steal Emily.  His one-on-one time is cut super short when Aaron cuts in.  Kalon says they just started talking & asks for two minutes.  Aaron isn’t feeling like giving any more charity tonight and says nope.  Well, that wasn’t very nice, Aaron, even if you don’t like Kalon.  Did you forget your manners back in Long Beach?  When Kalon tells the story to some of the guys, Stevie calls him out because he cut in on his time with Emily & tells him that he doesn’t like him.  While I do think Kalon has some douche tendencies, I gotta give this one to him.  Sorry Stevie, you missed the point in your quest to me a hard ass.  And while we’re on the subject of missing the point, the facial hair situation you have going on… Yeah.  Thankfully Emily comes back before blows are thrown to award the date rose.  She gives it to Jef and I think it surprised him as much as it surprised all the other guys who were sure it was going to them.  Apparently, the aloof thing – and the hair – are working for him.

Melissa:  OK, if Charlie doesn’t get the group date rose I’m gonna be pissed.  Way to backpedal your way out of being called aloof, Jef.  Not super convincing.  Stevie gets pulled away from Emily by Kalon who then loses her to Aaron… Oh boys.  Wait a minute, Jef with his Jiffy Pop hair gets the rose and not Charlie?  Oh, I’m mad at you girl.

Oh No, Joe

The only thing getting Emily wet on this date is the pool… And it’s 100 years old.

Rachel’s What Happened:   Joe gets the second one-on-one date which leaves Sean, Arie and Travis out in the cold this week.  Emily thinks he looks like Matthew McConaughey.  Really?  Are we talking about the same Matthew McConaughey that likes to smoke pot and play his bongos naked?  Yeah, I’m missing the memo on that one.  Apparently, Joe doesn’t have to pass the “down-home dude” test like Ryan did since he pulls up in a limo to Emily on a red carpet in front of a lear jet.  They’re headed to West Virginia where her heart is.  Unfortunately, the people of WV needs less heart and more dentists.  That would be more helpful, I think.

I gotta say that Joe has a bit of a lurker vibe to me.  I can totally see him doing drive-bys at night to make sure his girlfriend is home like she says she is.  Emily is taking lurker to the Greenbrier Hotel which is a beautiful hotel that has been in business since the late 18th century.  Wow, it really is beautiful.  And you know I had to look up the prices of their hotel rooms… Um, yeah, you’re looking at a solid $700 per night.  But hey, they give you free breakfast!  Let me tell you that that breakfast had better be served to me in bed by a Christian Bale look-alike who feeds me each bite while telling me how beautiful I am.

Back at the date, Joe & Emily go for a swim in the 100-year-old pool where Emily spent her childhood and Joe wins the first view of Emily in a bathing suit.

Melissa:  Joe gets the 3rd date card with Emily & the remaining boys start to sweat it out.  So she jets off to West Virginia with Joe, and if I were Ryan I’d be questioning cookie time versus jetting off.

Cruisin’ For a Bruisin’

You better check yourself…

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the house, Kalon is once again putting himself in the crosshairs with the other guys.  He says that it’s a crazy thing to contemplate embracing someone else’s child as his own.  Really, dude?  You do realize that Ricky isn’t part of the a la carte menu, right?  She’s part of the Emily entree.  No substitutions.  Needless to say, this doesn’t still well with Doug  who warns him to be very thoughtful about being with a woman with a child and tells all the guys to make sure they’re ready for it.  Smooth Moves Kalon responds with a comment about how Doug put fatherhood “on hold” to be there, insinuating that Doug isn’t as serious about it as he claims to be.  Oh no you did not just go there.  You don’t insult someone’s parenting.  Especially if that someone can snap you like a twig.  You’re about to get those sporty little Ray-Bans crushed into a thousand pieces.  Doug warns him to be very careful about what he’s saying.  If Kalon makes it out of here without suffering some kind of broken bone, it will be a miracle.

Melissa:  I love the words of wisdom from the daddies in the group until Kalon puts his foot in his mouth with Doug.  Guess what sweetie, you’re knocking the guys for putting thier kids on hold, but saying it’s perfectly acceptable for Emily to do it… You’re an ass.  PLUS, you’re not sure if you could handle being a father to someone else’s child… Um, what do you think this is?  It’s a big Daddy Interview… Now you’re an imbecile too.  You know I’m totally hoping for a smack down because Doug is my boy.

Oh No, Joe, Part 2

Wait, I have to tell you how badly I feel so that I don’t feel so badly.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the Greenbrier, Emily & Joe head to dinner.  BTW, there is so much pink & green in this episode that I’m starting think that I’ve been transported back to 1984 without my knowledge.  Emily is hoping dinner helps her find that spark with Joe, because right now it’s missing.  Guess he doesn’t look THAT much like McConaughey.  She asks him the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question.  Yeah, if you’re asking job interview questions on a date, you’re probably trying to create a spark with a wet match.  He says he wants to be happy and he’ll move anywhere for her if he’s the last guys standing.  Stalker.

As the conversation continues to drag, Emily is still forced to let him know that they are having dinner under the Love Clock whose legacy is that you write a love note, put it inside the clock & it will stand the test of time.  I think right now the clock  is less about love and more just is a loud ticking reminder to Emily of how this date is dragging along second by second.  Joe writes a very sweet note about coming back someday with her & Ricky, which makes her teary.  Sadly though, the tears aren’t the kind that get you a date rose.  They’re the kind that gets your suitcase plucked from the foyer in front of the other guys.

Emily tells Joe that she doesn’t see where he fits in her life.  I’m not sure you can actually suss that out on a first date, but we are talking about a reality show.  Plus, it’s a much more palatable explanation than “I think you’re a lurker.”  She tries to give him the ol’ “I think you’re wonderful” parting speech, but Joe can’t get out of there fast enough.  Don’t blame him, really.  I find the fake “It’s not you, it’s me” moments painful.  I mean clearly it’s him since he’s the one getting dumped… on national television… after one date.  Guess that swim didn’t make the right kind of waves.  Well, first casualty of the night is out of the way.  And Emily still gets to watch the hotel’s fireworks show.  Hey, they were already paid for.

Melissa:  Ruh-ro, Emily is trying to find the spark.  Not a good sign.  Joey better step us his love game.  Tread carefully with the “I’ll give it all up for you”, my dear, because that rose just may wilt sitting there on the plate while you’re shuttled off to the airport.  Does he at least get to fly back on the cool plane or is it just the next coach flight back to his hometown?  HA, fireworks even.

Cocktails With A Twist of Awkward

I’m just going to stand here & stare awkwardly as Emily reads you love note. Out loud. For seven pages.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the cocktail party and the guys are sweating it.  She’s already sending guys home so it’s all coming into sharp focus that she’s not messing around.  Arie scores some one-on-one time and then scores some points when he drops into conversation that he dated a woman who had children.  I guess it’s the second best way to prove you like kids after actually having them.  Ryan steals some time next which no one like since he’s safe.  Tony takes the opportunity to interrupt, but unfortunately, Tony walks in as Emily is given a sweet note from Ryan that she reads out loud in front of him…. while he waits for his turn.  And there’s no part of that note that’s short.  Apparently, Ryan isn’t a “get right to the point kind of guy.”  Not enough words for awkward.  Finally, Tony gets his time and he tells her about his son.  As would be expected, it gives Tony a boost on the likability scale.  When are the Latin Lovers going to make a move?  They’ve had exactly zero face time.  I want to hear about mushroom farming and grain production.  Ok, I don’t, but the accents work for me.  But instead Kalon has to get some more time and drive all the guys crazy.

Melissa:  Arie finally gets some time with our Miss E, and spills about his past dating a woman with 2 kids… Well played, my friend.  Show her you’re cool with kids.  Ha, it’s the whole “you have a rose, you’re safe, give us a chance” moment for the boys.  Too bad Ryan doesn’t care since he has a love novel to deliver.  OY, that’s just all sorts of wrong.  At least Tony gets to drop the “I have a kid too” news and feel like he has a “connection” with Emily.  Oh boy, it’s the Kalon show again.  He’s slipping down the scale with me.  Fast.

Rose Ceremony

One bachelor down. Two more to go.

Safe:  Ryan, Jef, Kalon, Arie, Michael, Nate, Sean, Chris, Doug, Travis, Tony, John, Allesandro, Charlie, Allejandro, Stevie

Going Home:  Joe, Aaron & Kyle

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Well Aaron, I guess throwing that attitude at Kalon on the group date didn’t work out so well for you.  It’s all about the Southern manners on this go-around, friend.  Too bad the Clark Kent glasses weren’t enough to overcome that faux pas.  Ah well… And Kyle, we hardly knew ye.

Melissa:  Of course Kalon gets a rose!!  The producers want me to be annoyed with at least one person for week 3.  I swear, one of these seasons a man (or woman) is going to just give back their rose because some idiot got one.  She’s just lucky Charlie and Doug got their roses or I would full on boycott.  BTW, boys, you didn’t get your heart broken 2 weeks after meeting someone.  Give it up.

The final three girls are given male model escorts to help them find their go-sees.

Rachel:   We’re back and down to the final three; Sophie, Laura & Annaliese.  As we all know, my favorite, Azmarie, was eliminated after she pulled attitude with Tyra.  But I will say that Sophie & Laura are both very strong contenders and worthy of the final runway.  I like Annaliese a lot but I’m not sure she checks as many boxes on the “Top Model” qualification list as the other two.  Just ask Kelly Cutrone who has tried to knock her from the competition every week.  Let’s see if she finally gets her way…

Back at the hotel, the girls are still traumatized by the surprise exit of both Alisha & Eboni.  They respect Alisha for leaving for her own reasons as her spirit was very low.  And by respect they mean are thrilled to pieces that she left.  Just puts them all one step closer to the prize.  And once again, we hear about Laura having to grow up fast.  Yeah, we get it.

But it’s time for another round of go-sees.   Laura is sick of them and isn’t thrilled to have to go on a third round.  Yeah, you might want to get un-sick pretty quickly since you’re not ever going to stop going on them if you’re going to be a model.  Just a thought.

The girls meet Kelly Cutrone on a ferry headed over to Hong Kong.  She tells them Hong Kong is one of the top fashion cities in the world and they will be meeting with the top 4 fashion designers.  For every job they book, they will bank $1,000 Hong Kong dollars.  That is a potential total of $4,000 Hong Kong or $500 US.  That’s far less exciting after the conversion.  Even better news is that they will be escorted by 3 male models who will take them around town to their appointments.  No hysterical drama of not being able to find a designer this year.  Somewhere Brittany Hatch is screaming that it’s not fair.

Oh Sophie, you wore the wrong undies for a go-see!  Bad girl.  Nude thong, girl.  Nude thong.  But the first designer likes her even if we can all see her black undies through the pink dress.  And Laura, you’re supposed to wear your hair back.  But most people are noticing that she doesn’t have a great walk than the fact that

Annaliese models bananas for a designer who is clearly bananas himself.

she’s not sporting the “model ponytail”.  Designer William Tang thinks Annaliese has flair.  Henry Lau was less impressed with her.  But can we talk about the fact that someone named their fashion line “Nude Is Rude”?  That can only be pulled off if the clothes are super cool…. And they’re kinda cool.  Jury’s still out on the name.  And the banana at House of Siren who put rhinestone bananas of his own on a bra & undies set.  Definitely not the usual suspects here.

Back at the pier, Kelly is waiting for them to give them the results.  Laura – All the designers loved meeting her, but a few were on the fence about her ability to walk and present their clothes in a show.  Annaliese & Sophie both had stand-out go-sees.  The designers thought Annaliese was exotic, bubbly and had a great walk.  Sophie charmed the pants off of everyone.  Laura booked 2 of 4.  Annaliese booked 3 of 4.  Sophie booked all 4 shows and is the challenge winner.  Along with her $4k, she will be shooting all of Nude Is Rude’s campaigns for the whole year.  She’s also getting free clothes from all the designers.  The girls get to take their money and party in Hong Kong with their male escorts.

For tonight’s photo shoot, they’re shooting for the ANTM fragrance, Dream Come True.  They’ll be posing inside a life-sized bottle where it’s all about appearing youthful and joyful.  Ben Bennet, the girls’ client today, says he’s a tough client because the image for a fragrance ad has to be captivating.  Laura is nervous because she is not a girlie girl princess.  She doesn’t know what she’s going to do in a pretty pink dress.  Please get over yourself already, Laura. But first is Sophie who was “magical” according to Mr. Jay.  Annaliese couldn’t feel the excitement and happy until the final 20 frames.  Laura has a hard time turning down the sexy and bringing the innocence.  No sexy, no Laura.

Panel – Laura is first and pulled off a beautiful ethereal shot.  Jez agrees that it’s beautiful but doesn’t think the client was as sold on her.  Kelly says youthful is hard and this doesn’t look aspirational for 18-year-olds.  Tyra says the photo was beautiful and she’d want to buy the fragrance, but she’s not the target.  Annaliese won Kelly over this week with her go-sees.  She thinks she’s come a long way and is really proud of her.  Nigel says the photo doesn’t look like a model, but booking so many go-sees just shows the power of presence.  Jez thought she froze up and didn’t bring her natural bubbly self to the shoot.  But she didn’t give up and he really respects that.  Tyra says it’s Michelle Obama meets Venus Williams meets catalogue.  Her smile saved it from being disastrous.  Sophie – Jez says this brief was made for her.  Nigel says he doesn’t think she looks that youthful in the picture, but that doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful.  He would have liked it if she had

Sophie gets best picture sending her to the finals.

more of a sense of humor in her face.  Kelly thinks it’s more youthful than some of the other photos they’ve seen, but she would have liked to have seen “I’m fun” in the photo.

Best Photo:  Sophie

Going Home:  Annaliese

Bottom Line:  Sophie and Laura are going to stomp to the death next week for the title in a Forever 21 show.  Being that Laura’s weaknesses are her runway walk and bringing the sweet to photos when it’s Cover Girl shoot time, I have a feeling it’s Sophie’s to lose.  That’s who I’m pulling for anyway.