One Sentence Summary: The moment we’ve all been drinking for – Emily picks a winner.
It’s on like Donkey Kong!
Rachel: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! It’s time! Someone is finally going to be able to call Emily her woman, at least through the After The Final Rose show. Will it be Vinnie or will it be Astley? Oh, it’s so hard to choose. I have to be honest, I was at dinner tonight – look, even I can’t, with good conscience, cancel a dinner with friends for reality TV – and am watching this via the DVR. It is taking everything in my power to not fast forward to the end, get the answer and then watch the show. But I’ll be good. I’ll suffer like the rest of you. I’ll wait to see who will finally get the final rose… and by final rose, I mean Emily’s, um, flower. I really felt like Arie would be the big winner here, but so many of you are on Team Jef that I’m starting to think you might be right. I mean I was also the only woman who didn’t like Sean so I’m starting to doubt myself – though I still think I was right about him. I’d pick Arie, personally, even though Jef’s definitely the safer choice. And that is probably why I am still single… but that’s not really important right now. What’s important is that my pinot noir buzz is wearing off and I need it to get through this show before that happens. So, let’s watch.
Melissa: We’re gearing up to finally learn who got to put the ring on it. Truth be told, I’m staring at my television on pause dreading the next 3+ hours of my life. Why? Because well, I’ve watched the whole season, got recap montage’d (yep, new word just for the occasion) to death last week and I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be treated to more montages tonight. Not to mention deep thoughts and difficult decisions with Emily tonight. Oh, then the “After the Rose” where Emily gets to defend her choice and we get to see the happy couple montage. Maybe I’m a little cranky tonight, I’ll say sorry now in case I go off on a rant I can’t control. OK then, let me steel my nerves with a little Jay Vineyards Pinot Grigio and let’s bring on the most dramatic event of the summer, and the incredibly emotional finale.
In Case You Missed Anything…
I’ll be here tonight to explain everything that’s happening in case you can’t figure it out for yourself.
Rachel’s What Happened: Wait, we’re starting with Chris? Does this mean we’re going to spend the next 20 minutes reviewing the whole season? And haven’t the last few After The Final Roses been live so why is that news? Talk to me, Chris. What’s the deal? No deal. Just letting us know you’re there. Taking a moment for the victims of the massacre in Aurora, CO. That was kind. OK, thanks… moving on…
Deep thoughts with Emily as we hear that she has truly fallen in love with two men. Ah, the pitfalls of dating 25 men at one time. But it’s all good, Ricki Bobby is here and mic’d up for all the cute giggling we get to enjoy. Her parents and sister, um or brother, are also here and shacked up in quite the fabulous villa. Cannot lie, these people look not at all familiar. I know it’s been a minute since Brad visited Emily’s hometown, but nope, not even remotely familiar. In fact, I’m just guessing that that’s her sister & her sister’s husband, but it could just as easily be her brother & sister-in-law. Yeah, I got nothing. Oh well, time to re-meet the parents.
Melissa: OK, you know I don’t really care for Chris’s little opening speeches, but that was pretty decent of him to mention the victims and families in Colorado. Every time I’m out, you manage to suck me back in. More Emily deep thoughts. She brought Ricki Bobby to Curacao? Then why did she roll her luggage in all by herself like she was alone? I don’t get it. Oh, it’s the folks, I completely forgot about them from the Hometown Dates on the Bachelor. Then again, I think I may have tried to block that all out.
Jef In The House
Look, I brought you flowers so you have to be nice to me.
Rachel’s What Happened: First to face the family is Jef. Love that he’s got a giant bouquet of flowers in his hand. Now, will it be for Em or for mama? They’ll be for mama if he’s a smart boy… And he’s a smart boy. So smart that he even brought flowers for the sister-in-law to be. (Yeah, it’s a brother and fiance.) Told you I was clueless. I had no memory of her having a brother. Did we know this? Anyway, back to the matter at hand; Jef. I wonder what dad will think of the skinny jeans and Ricky Astley hair.
Jef sits down with the fam & tells mom that his family was skeptical of the process too so he understands their hesitation. Mom, who has clearly smoked some cigarettes in her day, says that Emily said that he makes her laugh which is very important for her… along with waiting on her hand & foot. Everyone laughs at that, but inside they’re all nodding their heads. As are you… Admit it.
With that, mom pulls Jef aside for some get-to-know-you time. She wants to know if he has any doubts that after this is all over he’ll feel differently or see Emily differently. He says no. She also wants to know if he’s really ready for a daughter. Ricki and Emily are joined at the hip so whomever she ends up with can’t be jealous of their relationship. Jef’s ready. He’s ready for marriage, the kid, the whole thing. Mom is warming to our boy, but she’s not going to give Jef the green light easily. But she does say that Jef has all the things Emily’s looking for “again”. Yep, she said “again”. You know, in case anyone needs to be reminded that this isn’t Emily’s first ride at the rodeo. Overall, mom’s feeling good about Jef so she releases him from her clutches in time for some Bachelorette lunch.
Dude, you’re not supposed to actually eat the food!
Whoa! Someone is going to lose their job! Emily’s brother is actually eating the food. Did no one tell him it’s just for show? Well, bro gets my vote tonight for best guy. I love a rebel. That’s right, you eat the food! Show them you’re not afraid of a few on-camera calories! In between bites, he tells Jef that they are all a bit skeptical of the process. He’s pretty protective of his sister and he’s not trying to see her go through another heartbreak like she had after Brad.
Ernie, that’s the brother’s name, puts down his sandwich and steps away with Jef. I love that his name’s Ernie. No, I’m serious. I love it. Jef asks if Emily’s ready to settle and Ernie says Emily isn’t going to “settle” for anyone. Nice. Jef then asks him why it hasn’t worked with any of the guys that she’s dated. Uh, well, the last guy she met on a reality TV show (hint hint) and the other guy is no longer with us, so you guess why. And now Jef gets to hear about how perfect of a guy Ricky was and how no one has measured up to him since. Maybe let Ernie ask the questions. Jef says that he’s never been so in love with a girl and is so ready to be a dad to Ricki. Ernie thinks his intentions are sincere and he’s surprised that Emily actually might have found true love through this process. Good talk, bro.
And now, dad. Jef now tells dad that he is completely in love with Emily – in case anyone was wondering still – but he wouldn’t feel right potentially discussing a future with her without her father’s blessing. He’s an old-fashioned guy that way. Yeah an old-fashioned guy meeting his future wife on a TV show. Dad gives Jef his blessing and believes that Emily is truly smitten with him. Her smile makes it obvious. OK, any guy who ever wants to go on this show should watch Jef with the parents. What technique. Just slide in and drop a bunch of sincere love talk on them, ask a bunch of questions and leave with the approval of the family. Don’t give them the chance to ask you any hard questions. Nope, just kill ‘em with the “aw shucks” thing. Tip ‘o the hat, sir.
And with that, Emily walks Jef out letting him know he passed with flying colors. He is so, like, happy about that. Yeah, if you’ve been playing the Bachelorette Drinking Game, I’m hoping you’re feeling pretty toasty after all those “likes”… and we’re only 12 minutes into the show. Woo! And off Jef goes walking down an empty street to nowhere. Uh, someone want to send the car around?
Here’s a box of dead flowers. It’s not an omen, right?
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh come on, do we really have to see Chris between every commercial break? Amazingly we actually are smart enough to have figured out that Jef got the blessing, but Arie hasn’t yet. It’s amazing what that college degree will do for a person.
Anyway, Arie shows up to meet the parents empty handed. Bad move son. How did your producer buddy let that happen? Although as he walks in the door, he has something in his hand. Did they grab something from the garden and hand it to him? Or is Arie magical? He’s the David Copperfield of race car driving. He has the hair for it.
Oh boy, seems dad is pretty settled on Jef and isn’t sure why he even has to bother meeting another guy. Not a good omen for our boy, Arie. See, this is what happens to people when you don’t let them eat. They get cranky and don’t want to play your games. Doesn’t help that Arie’s nervous and babbling like he’s got no off button. Awkward moment. But boyfriend turns it around when he presents the family with the miraculously appearing gift. It’s a wood box that holds all the roses that Emily has given Arie throughout the show. Smooth move, friend. Super smooth. And the family starts smiling for the first time since he walked in. Mom likes that he was willing to give away something so precious and is surprised that he’s not arrogant like she thought he’d be. Personally, I’m wondering if the “giving away something so precious” portends the outcome tonight, which isn’t good for our boy. Of course, if Arie is second best, maybe he’ll be the next Bachelor. I wouldn’t be mad at that… At all. I like the Barbarino.
Mom & Arie step outside to chat and she tells him that the first time around she didn’t like telling someone who was playing eenie meeny miney moe that it was ok to marry her daughter. I hear that. So, she wants to make sure that the person that wants to marry her is pretty daggone sure. And when a southern lady says “daggone”, you know they’re serious. Arie tells her he’s sure and he understands the responsibility that Ricki brings to the situation. Mom’s blown away by Arie and is now torn between the two guys.
You got a pretty mouth, boy.
Let’s see if he’s as smooth with Ernie who isn’t loving the “practiced” way he talks and tells him so. He wants to know if he’s in this to win it or if he’s really in it for Emily. Arie admits that he wants to give the right impression but it’s because he cares so much about Emily. He’s never fallen so hard for a woman the way he has for her. And part of what he loved so much about dating a single mother was the enjoyment he got from spending time together with the kid. Oh Ernie, your smile is showing. He’s hit the soft spot, hasn’t he? Arie knocks the ball out of the park when he says that you can’t understand that feeling until you experience it, which as a single dude, most guys don’t. Nice, bond with bro while undercutting Jef at the same time. And now Ernie joins mom on the confusion train. Wait, did I just hear the audience laugh when Ernie said he was confused? Are we really going with the piped in laugh track from the live audience? Please no.
It’s finally dad’s turn and he wants Arie to know that it will take a very strong man to take care of Emily and Ricki. Arie says that at first it was fun and carefree, but he’s now at a point where he can’t imagine living without Emily. He will do whatever it takes to make her happy and wants to know if he has dad’s blessing. Dad pauses a minute, which you can see freaks Arie out, but he gives him the blessing. Knowing how much he loves Emily is a daggone good place to start. (Daggone from dad is pretty good too.) Uh, I think we should have included mom & dad’s southernisms in the drinking game.
Off Arie goes with the blessing of the family and he’s feeling pretty good about it. A few kisses and then he starts his own long walk down an empty road to nowhere.
Melissa: No flowers? Tsk-tsk Arie. What’s in the box? Maybe turn your nervous talk to that, Arie. Oh, it’s a rose box, and it wins mom over. I’m skeptical… If he gets Emily, he still has them, and if he doesn’t I doubt he’ll want them anyway – just saying. Of course he wins over Mom easily, the moms are always suckers. Now Ernie goes down too. I had such hopes for you busting his groove. At least Pops waited a few more beats to make Arie sweat it out. BTW, I’m glad I’m not the only one that finds the audience laughter annoying. I thought I was just in a foul mood tonight.
Tell Me What To Do
If you don’t tell me who to choose, I’m totally going to throw a tantrum.
Rachel’s What Happened: Time to hear the family recap of the guys. They give her no real concrete feedback beyond them liking them both pretty much equally. There is no “but” on either one of them… though Arie has a much nicer “butt”. Emily, not thrilled that her family won’t make the decision for her, wants to know if they’re just afraid to tell her the truth. Nope. That’s not the case. Ernie knows she wants a black & white answer from them, but she ain’t gettin’ it. What dad will say is that he doesn’t believe you can love two people at once. So, she must be in love with one or the other. She used to think that, but here she is, in love with two people. Bro tells her she’s going to have to make the call on her own and our princess isn’t happy. If looks could kill, Ernie would be the subject of a 911 call right now. She’s piiiiiiiissed and even more confused now. Aw, poor baby, you have to make your own decision. Why is this anyone else’s responsibility? You signed up for the show. And weren’t you the one scared of Jef’s family because they had such a huge influence on him?
Mom tells Emily that how the guys react to Ricki will be telling and she’ll need time to adjust to this situation. Emily isn’t sure about introducing both guys to Ricki because she’s just so confused. Personally, I think she’s behaving like a child herself with the pouting and the whining about her family not giving her the answer. Mom encourages her to wait on an engagement until she can see how “the guy” fits into her & Ricki’s life. This makes Emily question everything. Really? How does that change your feelings? Maybe it changes the final rose ceremony, but it shouldn’t change how you feel about the guys. OK, can we have a commercial break now? I need a minute without Emily.
Mary, are we really only 30 minutes into this?
Melissa: Why does Emily want her family to pick for her? It’s her decision. I get she wants their opinion, but girl needs to make up her own mind. Why the hell should they figure it out for her? If she doesn’t know after how many weeks, how are they going to know after a few hours??
I Feel Confident
Totally under his spell.
Rachel’s What Happened: Emily has breakfast with Ricki before her final date with Jef and she’s still not sure about what to do about them meeting her. But she’ll have to worry about it later because off she goes to spend her last few hours with Jef before the big decision. It’s picnic on the beach time and it’s ridiculous how gorgeous that water is. Wait, I have to rewind because I just got fully mesmerized by the water. Pretty soothing water…
Seems Emily is stressed about everything. Jef, on the other hand, is not stressed because it all just seems right. However, he still hasn’t met Ricki, the “biggest member” of her family. Oh, I so want to make a dirty joke here about him becoming the “biggest member” of her family, but I won’t…. even though I kinda just did. hee hee… Emily says it’s a big decision and she still doesn’t know what she wants to do. He reminds her that he’s super excited about kids and a family, but it’s a huge deal and he thinks about Ricki every day. He’s been preparing his whole life to be a dad. But Emily still has guilt over introducing Ricki to Brad and then it not working out. Jef wants to know if she feels confident in her decisions. She says yes. Then Jef says she should put herself in his shoes and think about how she’d feel in the opposite situation. She says she’d be disappointed.
Awkward pause… awkward pause… And she breaks. Way to play the confidence card, Jef. Emily now thinks that Ricki should meet him. Yes! Let’s meet my kid! Today! This time it’s going to be different than the last time. Wow, that was some smooth manipulating by Jef. He looks like the cat that ate the canary right now. Now, I’m not saying he’s wrong or right about meeting Ricki. I’m just saying that was some serious maneuvering. I’m impressed. He gets the final piece to his puzzle and she realizes that if they’re a package deal, the guys have to meet Ricki.
Come on, Ricki, perform for Jef!
They head to her house to meet Ricki and do a little spying on her swimming before they go in. Too bad the person watching her is paying zero attention. They visit Ricki in the pool and Emily has her perform tricks like a trained dophin at Sea World; although I’m not sure what else they’re going to do since she isn’t really much of a talker. Yeah yeah, you can yell at me all you want for saying that about a kid, but you know I’m right. Regardless, Jef is smitten with the giggling. Ricki is invested enough to invite Jef into the pool and Emily is thrilled at how comfortable she is around him. It’s a happy time for everyone and Emily is sure that Jef would be a great husband and father. After some fun with bugs, Emily walks Jef out and they are both glowing in the chillness of Ricki and their day together.
I will hug it and pet it and name it George.
Time for the dinner date at Jef’s place. Wow, he really whipped up something special for her. Oh right, it’s only a prop. See, again, I think he should have to actually cook her dinner and plan the date. That’s real life. This hushed talk over champagne and candlelight in a romantic setting is not real life… even if you did meet her daughter today. This is also the part of the process where the guys make gifts for Emily to show her how much they care. Jef gives her a book about Curacao which symbolizes a huge step in their relationship. OK, he does get props for drawing stick figure pictures in the book of them together. That’s pretty daggone cute. After some more kissing, Emily heads home with her book in her hands and her Bachelorette virginity still in tact.
Melissa: At least she checked in for our morning “Ricki is good” before she jets off for last dates. So Jef’s not nervous… <sigh> That’s always the kiss of death when they say they aren’t nervous. That’s not going to get you taken to meet Ricki. You have to say you’re nervous because you love her and want to love Ricki and don’t want to have that dream taken away from you. Man, I should write this stuff for them. She’s going to make the introduction?? OK, just for giggles, how funny would it be if Ricki Bobby kicked him in the shin and ran away? I mean I would laugh, because it’s always when you want the little ones to act a certain way they go the polar opposite. Finally, Jef gets nervous. I’m loving that he asked for a pair of goggles to wear while swimming with Ricky. OK, I think it’s official… I’m all in for Team Jef. Maybe it’s the Mom in me, but I’m loving how he is with Ricki.
I’m loving that dress. I wish I could kick a strapless dress like that. I also like his generous nature. Not for the acutal “things” he gives her, but for the thought behind the book for Emily (love the pictures drawn in), the puppet for Ricki, flowers for BOTH the Mom and SIL. Good stuff. Wait, weren’t they supposed to have dinner? I mean I know they never do, but didn’t she tell him to get ready for dinner? Oh, how did they cue up a storm behind him as she leaves? That’s some serious production value right there.
The Most Shocking Chris Meeting In Bachelorette History
But I don’t wanna tell him… Can’t you do it for me???
Rachel’s What Happened: Uh, do I really need to hear audience commentary right now? I do not. So, no offense people, but I’m fast forwarding. It’s already torturous enough watching this for 3 hours.
And we still aren’t getting to Arie’s date yet. We have to reconvene with Chris and have a heart-to-heart. She says that she’s confused because she thought at this point she’d have a sure sense of wanting to pick one guy. She retells us why she introduced Ricki to Jef. Sigh… come on already. I’m losing focus.
Wait wait wait… Did she just say that she is picking Jef without a final date with Arie? Wait wait wait… WTF? Focus back to sharp. She tells Chris that her mind is made up. OK, if that’s the case then great, happy for her. Happy for them both. But I can’t help thinking that she is pulling the ripcord because she doesn’t want to have a great date with Arie and then be confused again. Hey, my kid likes this guy. I like this guy. He gave good present. Let’s just call it a day. But Chris is so excited for her and happy this has worked. But she still has to deal with Arie. And there’s still an hour left of the show. What are we going to do for an hour? Chris wants to know what she wants to do and you know she wants him to tell Arie for her. I know I would. Let’s be honest, that conversation is going to suck mega huge. Poor Arie…
But I have to take a moment to give Emily props for not putting Arie through a final date if she’s not feeling it, just for the sake of the show. I also have to say that this is actually the most shocking final rose ever. And you know I hate to have to admit that.
Melissa: She’s going to Chris for advice? Again, can’t she make up her mind on her own? Hey now! She’s saying she’s choosing Jef? Wait, what the hell time is it? Can she make that call so early and ruin the show? Good thing I didn’t fast forward through chat time with Chris. (I’ll admit I tend to use the button.) But here’s the thing, if it was the meeting of Ricki that pushed her over the edge, shouldn’t she give Arie the same opportunity since she was so hesitant to introduce Jef in the first place?
Just Drop The Bomb!
Holy shit, I’m getting dumped on national TV.
Rachel’s What Happened: Man, I don’t envy her at this moment. Wait, are they really letting Arie show up by himself for the date that won’t happen to make a love potion? They are. Oh ABC, your evil knows no bounds. This is just cruel.
Finally, Emily shows up, but not before Arie can mix up some love and make what will become embarrassing statements about their future together. And now she’s letting him put his love potion on her. Woman, get to it. The longer you wait, the more humiliating this is going to be for him.
Finally, they sit down and she starts bawling. She says she doesn’t know what to say or do. She tells him that she has felt strongly for him from their very first date. He knows what’s coming and you can see it on his face. He wants to know what changed. He thought the family meeting went well and she says it did, but that’s not the issue. She had thought from the first date that it would always be her & him. That she wouldn’t really have to choose, but… He says she doesn’t have to say it. She says she’s sorry and he looks like he wants to come out of his skin. She says he’s everything and it wasn’t something he did. He says he thought they had something. So did she and she meant everything she said. But she just has more confidence with Jef. Oofah, there’s that confidence word again. And with that, Arie is out. Don’t blame him. He stayed longer than I would have.
She chases him, but he says there’s nothing left to say. He’s not going to give her the goodbye she wants just to make her feel better. Amen, brother. She says she doesn’t want that, but she still won’t let him go. Let him go! This is no longer about you. He can’t figure out what she wants but does thank her for sparing him the embarrassment of tomorrow. He hugs her and you can hear one of their hearts thumping like crazy on the mic. She asks if she can walk him out and he lets her. I have to give him credit for being way more calm and collected than I would be.
In the car, he doesn’t have much to say. But hey, Mr. Driver Guy, if you sense a good moment for it, maybe slip him my number? You know, if he’s feeling up to a little cougar action… Granted he’s about to be the hottest ticket on the market, so I’m not super worried about him. That’s right Tom Cruise, Arie is about to steal your singledom thunder. When he does speak, he says he’s confused and feels naive about the dream he had for them. He feels like he gives way more than he gets. He misjudged the situation and it’s unreal that it’s over. Aw, I feel horrible for him. I would say I feel badly that Emily has to stand there and pretend to be staring into the water thoughtfully while the camera catches the moment, but she kind of deserves it. Yeah, I know it’s how the show goes & she didn’t do anything wrong technically, but I kinda want her to feel badly for a minute.
And out we go to commercials with the solemn faces of the live audience. They are milking this like I’ve never seen. Really, you couldn’t find someone in the audience crying?
Melissa: He’s making a love potion? Oh, come on producers, are you just going to lob this one at me? The jokes are too easy! I’m almost feeling bad for Arie saying he can’t wait to see the look in Emily’s eyes when she finally tells him how she feels. I’m going to go with no, you really don’t sweetie. HA, methinks he’s going to have some nasty words for the herb lady. Yep, right there… Did you see it? The realization just hit him that he’s out. I want to give him props for a graceful walk out. Why do the ladies feel they have to chase them down to talk more? Just let him have a moment to not look like an ass. You just ditched him. He doesn’t want to be in your presence. I can’t even crack a good Vinnie joke. I don’t have the heart. Yes, pan to the stunned audience.
Now It All Makes Sense
And now for the giant time suck.
Rachel’s What Happened: Oooooh, now I get it. No date with Arie leaves a gaping hole in the show’s timing, hence the randomly interspersed audience moments. Gotta fill that extra time somehow, so let’s chat with Ashley & JP. Ugh, more like let’s fill my wine glass and make the pain go away. Chris says that Ashley has been in Emily’s shoes, literally. Uh, not literally, Chris. If she were literally in Emily’s shoes, she’d be wearing them and that would be awkward on so many levels. It’s actually “figuratively” but let’s play along… Ashley tell us “literally” what it was like in Emily’s shoes. It was hard. Great. What else? JP says Arie should not have been given the chance to try and win over Emily. Yeah, I agree. That’s just extra humiliation time. And we all agree that Arie didn’t see it coming. Ok, so far Chris has called JP “big boy” and Deanna Pappas “baby”. I’m ready to hit fast forward. And now Michael Stagliano gets to put in his two cents. He says Arie won’t have trouble finding a girl… Ya think? Man, these are some deep moments. And finally, some chick from Brad’s season also named Ashley (Spivey), whom I totally do not remember, is called Emily’s good friend by Chris and she corrects him quickly saying that Ashley is really her BFF. Uh, still harboring jealousy, Ash?. Anyway, Spivey says it’s nice to see how strong of a connection she has with Jef. Yes, it is. Can we get on with it now?
Melissa: Really we have to watch this fluff??
Deep Thoughts & Sparkly Diamonds
Who says no to that ring?
Rachel’s What Happened: We now get to hear how badly Emily feels for what she did to Arie but so happy to have found love with Jef. And now it’s Jef & Emily montage time. She pictures her life with Jef and it is the perfect life because she is with him. Well, that’s sweet. No, it really is. I actually like her & Jef together. I know I was Team Arie, but I do actually like Jef as well. He’s definitely one of, if not the most interesting guys to ever be on this show.
Meanwhile, as Emily is sighing a big sigh of relief and on Cloud 9, Jef is still unaware that he’s already won the race and anxiously goes to pick out a ring with Neil Lane. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Neil let it slip that Arie had been sent home? Jef picks a pretty stellar ring. Now, I’m not gonna be the party-pooper and say that it looks a lot like the one from Brad Womack but it looks a lot like the one from Brad Womack. Not that I would be mad to get that ring… twice. And now some deep thoughts from Jef. He loves Emily and he’s excited for their life together. You don’t say… Again.
And we’re back to Emily getting ready for the big moment. She isn’t sure she’s ready to get engaged but she knows she’s ready to be with Jef. She would have sent him home by now if she thought there was a chance they’d break-up. But then again, she didn’t think she & Brad would break-up…
Wow, the wind was just sucked out of my lungs with one look at that dress. Sweet Fancy Moses woman, you’re not in a pageant! And I hope that color is better in person because you look like salmon mousse on TV.
The Final Rose Before ‘After The Final Rose’
Emily, I’m never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say good-bye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Rachel’s What Happened: And the time has FINALLY arrived. Emily is nervous and excited. How many times are we going to hear this? Just freaking get on with it so we can all get misty and start hoping that you both beat the odds.
As Jef heads towards his destiny… LOL… OK, sorry, I was going to try and be all romantical for a minute, but it just doesn’t feel right. But he actually is headed toward Emily, who is trying to figure out how to make sure that Jef doesn’t feel for one second that she’s rejecting him in any way if she doesn’t accept a proposal.
Side bar: Sharp suit he’s sporting. Too bad he’s about to get swallowed up in salmon chiffon.
Jef shows up and she gets right to telling him that looking back at the long road it took to get here, she knows that he is her soul mate and the perfect person for her. She loves him. No one else got to meet Ricki and she didn’t even go on her date with Arie yesterday. It’s just the two of them. He says it’s the best thing he’s ever heard. He feels like the luckiest man in the entire world. She makes him smile and he thinks they’re just so easy & fun together. He thinks it’s meant to be that they found each other and God puts people in each other’s lives when the time is right. Her brother told him that he thought she might give up on love and he is so grateful that she didn’t. He found his everything and is so in love with her. He promises that she will never feel lonely again. OK, I’m teary. Must be exhaustion and wine making me vulnerable, I admit it. I’m teary.
He says that what he’s about to ask her is a forever thing. He pulls out the ring, gets down on bended knee and proposes. Silence… Will she say no? Of course not. She says “yes” and all is good with the world. Bluebirds are singing and baby deer are frolicking in the woods just hearing the news. And another Emily-Jef montage is upon us, but this time it’s to a 25 year-old Chicago song. Really? There hasn’t been another song written in over 2 decades that might be just as appropriate and far less cheesy?
Oh and he accepted the final rose. You know, in case you were still wondering. And just when you thought you had all the sweet sappiness your little heart could handle, Ricki joins them and the three of them walk off into the sunset together hand in hand. Now I’m teary because there’s still another hour of this.
Melissa: I’m going to call it right now… Even with all her I don’t know if I want to get engaged just now, she’s going to say yes. Come on Jef, don’t make me fast forward you. DAMN, did anyone else see that Sean/Mackenzie Astin (I can never remember who is who) resemblance tonight? I TOLD YOU! I don’t want to be that girl who gets engaged 15 times, my ass!
The Final Rose
The happy couple.
Rachel’s What Happened: OK, I’m exhausted so I can’t promise much literate reviewing here, but I’ll try.
Emily shows up in a hot little number with her boobs looking normal (for her) again. Is it wrong that I’m glad to see a zit on her chin? It’s like when you glimpse a little cellulite on that girl at the gym with the perfect body. You can’t help but do a little internal victory dance. It’s childish but I’m owning it. She tells us again all the reasons why she chose him. She’s loving her ring, but says she’d be happy with a piece of tape around her finger. I think a couple of producers could make that happen and would happily re-budget that money.
But enough joy, we need to talk to Arie. She says she still has things to say to him and realized after the show that she’s not good at being direct. Well, she’s about to get her chance. Arie joins Emily on stage and there are some women in the audience coming out of their seats… and dresses. Arie says that watching the show helped him a lot. He has nothing but love for her and is very glad that she’s happy, but it’s tough. He had no clue it was coming and felt like they had such a future planned. He says that in the moment he didn’t clearly know her feelings for Jef and so he didn’t get closure, which is Emily’s green light to try and give it to him. She is still sorry and it’s still hard for her to watch that goodbye. He’s everything she looked for in a man but she just felt more confident in her relationship with Jef. There’s that confidence thing again. Was Jef just the safer bet? He wishes she would have said to him what she said to Chris. She gave him confidence and he just didn’t see it coming. So much so that he actually flew to Charlotte to get a moment with Emily off-camera. You did what? He says the plane landed and he realized that it wasn’t right to do to her, to do to Jef whom he respects and to do to Ricki. So he called her and said he’d leave her his journal so she could read it and understand where he was coming from. OK, it’s a damn good thing I’m not in LA right or I’d be busting into the theater and hand-cuffing myself to Arie… And yes, I realize that this already happened hours ago so I’d be alone when I busted in. Look, crazy has no rationale.
Anywho, Arie left the journal on her doorstep, but she didn’t read it. She didn’t out of respect to Arie and to Jef. She didn’t think it would help anything to read it and they’re his private thoughts. That’s impressive. I’m not sure I could be so mature. But good on her. He thought, that by her reading it, she’d be able to see how much he truly felt for her and how real it was for him. For her, just the fact that he was willing to share it with her said more than any of the actual words in the journal could. Yeah, too bad he would have been happier had she just told him to take the journal home with him. Arie says that he & Jef oddly enough talk on the phone a lot and hearing how happy he was with Emily helped give him the push he needed to move on. So, all good in the hood. Everyone is happy for everyone and Arie is going to get much tail in the coming month… weeks… days… after the show.
After Arie leaves, Emily tells Chris that she told Jef everything that went on with Arie and her feelings about it. So Jef called Arie and smoothed it over giving Arie the closure she couldn’t give him. Damn, you gotta be impressed with that. And with that ringing endorsement for mature man behavior, we have Jef. They’re happy as clams… By the way, who determined that clams are happy creatures? I mean they don’t seem super happy. They seem kind boring and solemn. They don’t even get to make pearls like oysters… Sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, all the wonder that is Emily and how happy Jef is. They have been spending secret weekends together with Ricki and they have all been perfect. Being a dad to her has been amazing. I’m getting a toothache over here from all the sweetness.
And now we’re seeing the proposal again because they haven’t seen it yet. Couldn’t they have watched in the back when the rest of us did? I mean it’s not like it’s been a week and we need to be reminded. It’s been less than an hour. So the question Chris says everyone wants to know is “what took her so long to say yes to Jef’s proposal?” And in case we couldn’t remember the reason, she tells us again that she doesn’t want to be engaged 15 times and never get married. Maybe they should just bring a preacher on the stage and marry them right now. Just get it over with. Oh sorry, first they have to go to Africa on a humanitarian trip and build wells there. My goodness, they are just the perfect little couple aren’t they? When they get back, Jef thinks they should live in Charlotte so as to not uproot Ricki and he’s fortunate enough to be able to work anywhere. Of course, he’ll be getting his own apartment at first as they combine their lives. I’m about to pass out from all this sugar. I feel bad for the diabetics out there watching.
I can’t believe I have to sit through this.
BTW: nice audience shot of Ashley looking totally annoyed with her arms crossed and tongue in cheek, literally. (Note correct use of the term “literally”.) Anyone else see that?
But we survived another season and now it’s time to see if they make it down the aisle. Here’s hoping… For reals… And here’s also hoping I don’t have to watch it.
Melissa: Well first of all, my DVR cut out on the final actual giving of the rose, but I pretty much got it and the whole walk off into the sunset business. Now we have our last hour of torture before we’re done with Miss Emily.
I like her better with the straight hair and not so “done” look about her. Clearly someone had a lighter hand with the application this visit. That is a nice ass rock, I must say. Yeah, something tells me a piece of tape really wouldn’t have as much impact, but go on Emily. You tell everyone that.
Really, do we need the melodic plucking of the strings upon Arie’s arrival? I also don’t get the whole dragging them back to relive it all for the sake of “closure”. He went to Charlotte to see her? A journal too? I guess we know who the next Bachelor will be, sheesh. Yet, I still don’t get this whole deal. I mean I get it from the ratings perspective, but this isn’t realistic. What two people who break-up are this “I didn’t do you justice, and you deserved more” to each other? Come on.
Does she need someone to do the work for her by having Jef give Arie closure? First, she wanted her parents to choose. Now having Jef do her dirty work? Then again, he might as well get used to it. Now I have to hear the 1 ba-jillion reasons Emily is awesome and to watch the proposal a short 40-ish minutes after I just saw it? Shoot me.
HA, Emily building wells in Africa – Oh how I wish there was a follow-up show on that. I wish these crazy kids luck!
Rachel: Well, I would have never picked Jef to be the guy in a million years after watching the first episode, but I’m glad Emily gave him the chance. I guess she saw the potential Melissa & I fully were missing… probably because we were spending way too much time dogging his hair.
Melissa: Next we get all the Bachelor(ette) cast-offs for a whole new show to take our Monday spot. Bring on the cray-cray!!