Category Archives: Jersey Shore

Jersey Shore In 5 Words – Season 5, Week 5*

*All drinking is implied.

Yeah, sorry.  Had to skip last week due to doctor’s orders.  I’m suffering from Post Traumatic Jersey Shore Disorder…

The Situation lets it all hang out... literally & figuratively.

Jersey Shore In 5 Words:  The steroids finally take over.

Jersey Shore In 5 Words – Season 5, Week 3*

*All drinking is implied.

Now I remember why I vowed never to watch again.  The pain has set in again…

The Situation cries over his roommates celebrating Pauly's birthday, but not his.

Jersey Shore In 5 Words:  More tears.  Still no cake.

Jersey Shore In 5 Words – Season 5, Week 2*

*All drinking is implied.

It's the end of the road for Vinny as he heads home.

Jersey Shore In 5 Words:  End of a beautiful bromance.

Two Winey Bitches Reality Awards – 2011

The Reality of 2011 According To Two Winey Bitches

We couldn’t let the year pass without giving a few shout-outs to those that made us laugh, smile and want to punch holes in our TV sets.  2011 has been a fun year for us and we hope you’ve enjoyed our little blog.  We have some new shows on our radar that we’ll be reviewing and some new features coming in the new year.  Let’s hope the Mayans are wrong and that we have many more years of wine and bitchiness.  Now, for the awards…

Favorite Reality Star of the Year:  J.R. Martinez  – This one’s a no-brainer.  Is there a better example of what a hero should be?  We think not.  It was hard not to cheer for J.R. from the start.  There were some decent contenders in the motley crew of “stars” this year, but anyone else winning the Dancing With The Stars Mirror Ball Trophy would have been akin to treason… and that’s not hyperbole.  It might be a little.  But really, we love J.R. like a Winey Bitch loves wine.  And that’s a lot.

Biggest “Fame Aneurism” – NeNe “I’m Rich, Bitch” Leakes  – Oh NeNe, how we miss the kinder-ish, gentler-ish version of you.  Well, at least the funnier version of you.  Fame has seriously gone to your head and exploded in a big bad ugly way.  Hence, the fame aneurism.  It’s not just your cast mates that have tired of your shenanigans.  We all have.  Only you, NeNe, could talk about Donald Trump more than, well, Donald Trump.  And let us clue you, being on Celebrity Apprentice does not make you rich, bitch.

  • Honorable Mention - Teresa Guidice – The only reason Teresa didn’t take the top award in this category is because we have to give her credit (as much as it pains us to do so) for taking the “bankruptcy bull” by the horns and writing herself a best-selling cookbook.  That, however, doesn’t excuse her turning into a total mean girl and stabbing everyone in her path in the back.  That grating voice of hers was much more bearable when it was used for ditzy and not for evil, as it is now.

Things we never wanted to see / hearKim Zolciak – Yeah, pretty much across the board with everything we see and hear.  First, there’s the peeing every episode.  Um, why?  No really, why?  Thankfully, she’s finally had the baby so Bravo will stop with the audio overs of her tinks in every scene set in her home.  Then there’s treating us to her amazing parenting skills – driving while pumping her breasts and handing her 13-year-old daughter the wheel while cruising down an Atlanta freeway.  Throw in her self-portraiture displayed in every corner of her world, her dresses far too small to contain her “titties” and the gauche decor of her house and we really have seen and heard enough of Kim for a lifetime.

Best Party of the Year - Adrienne’s Fashion Show – Even if it was partially self-serving, we have to raise a glass to Adrienne for throwing a party supporting the empowerment of girls to reach for their dreams.  If you’ve heard any of our podcasts… Oh wait, since we’ve never actually published any of them, that would be somewhat impossible… So, let’s just say we talk at length about the lack of strong female figures in our society for young girls to look up to.  We’re pointing at you, Kardashians.  So, kudos to Adrienne for putting together a classy, sophisticated soiree that helped someone other than Bravo.

Worst Party of the YearGame Night at Dana’s – Meringue fluff on a table with cotton ball dominoes – ‘nuff said.

Least Compelling Cast AdditionDana Wilkey - As if the Game Night alone wasn’t enough… We’re not really sure what the point of her addition to the show is other than to kiss everyone’s ass and let us know how much money she wastes on frivolous stuff like a $1MM lollipop holder and $25K sunglasses.  Seriously, we haven’t seen a cast addition this unnecessary and this annoying since Chrissy showed up on Growing Pains.  Can we be done now?

Worst Person In The World (of Reality)Bentley – Again, another no brainer.  From the moment Bentley stepped onto the set of The Bachelorette, his campaign to use and abuse Ashley for his own entertainment began… And our campaign to hate him with every cell of our beings began as well.  Real or invented, his personality was so loathsome it was impossible to watch him without aide of reality-softening agents (aka: booze).  Only Bentley could make us cheer out loud for the mind-numbingly insecure Ashley as she finally put an end to the grating “dot dot dot” nonsense.

  • Honorable Mention - Ashley Holmes - Another incredibly close call.  Ashley (and we refuse to indulge her name change to Ashlee) spent the entire season of the RHONJ disrespecting her parents and smirking in the general direction of anyone remotely interested in trying to help her not be a sucky person.  PS – They all failed.  She sucks.  She provided exactly zero moments of sunshine causing us to want to smack the smug right off of her face.  Just typing this makes us all twitchy with indignation.  Where’s that open bottle of wine…

Least Memorable Reality Cast 2011The Real Housewives of Miami – This was the least memorable cast since, well, The Real Housewives of D.C.  Apparently, lightening doesn’t strike in all cities. Honestly, we can’t even remember the names of this cast other than Scotty Pippin’s wife… whose name is “Scotty Pippen’s Wife”.  These Housewives weren’t shallow or dramatic enough to hate.  And they weren’t um, shallow or dramatic enough to like.  They just… were.  Even Bravo wasn’t invested being that their reunion was held on the set of Watch What Happens Live, clearly sounding the death knell on a second season.

Best Reality Couple Pauly D and Vinnie – While the insanity that is the rest of the Jersey Shore cast swirled around them, Pauly D & Vinnie never let it affect their burgeoning bromance.  Bonded by their love of all things GTL, girls DTF and a general WTF attitude towards their other roommates, these two are destined to be BFFs forever.

Worst Reality CoupleAlex McCord & Simon Van Kempen – Damn you for every cringe-worthy second of airtime you subjected us to!!  From pretentious in-home art shows to lingerie modeling to sexy Skyping, these two make us want to crawl out of our skin… or into our TVs to deliver the bitch-slap heard round the world.  Christmas came early this year when we heard that Alex, and by proxy Simon, had been relieved of her duties on the Housewives series.  I guess no one was all that interested in hearing her “new found voice” anymore.

  • Honorable MentionVienna & Kasey – How this “power couple” came about is beyond all logic and reason.  Clearly, he has a taste for weaves & bad dye jobs, while she’s cool with dating someone who publicly promised to guard & protect another woman’s heart.  And by declared it, we mean tattooed in a cheesy heart on his wrist. These two spent the majority of their time on Bachelor Pad battling each other over matters of the ego and basically acting a fool.  They are why reality TV is the train wreck we can’t stop watching… even if it does make us feel badly about ourselves.

Least Sympathetic Character That Really Should Be SympatheticTaylor Armstrong – Let us first start by saying that in no way, shape or form do either of the Winey Bitches condone a man laying a hand on a woman in an act of violence ever.  And by ever, we mean EVER.  That being said, we still aren’t sure what really went down with Russell and Taylor.  From all accounts on this season of the RHOBH, there seems to be doubt from all parties involved and Taylor isn’t helping herself by playing everyone against each other.  Throw in her need to blame others for her problems, her penchant for self-righteous meltdowns and her confessions of preferring a life in a bad marriage to having to be poor and we’re finding it really hard to root for her.  We all know this story doesn’t end well for anyone, and for that we’re sad, but the real sympathetic character in all of this is Kennedy. 


Best Facial OverhaulJill Zarin – To all of you out there who might be considering getting some work done (Pay attention here Taylor), please do consider the Liquid Facelift.  It’s the kinder gentler version of a new face.  Can we please stop already with the frozen foreheads and overblown lips now?  You’re starting to scare the children.  Really, less is more people!  Jill, you look amazing!  We’re just sorry you didn’t get a contract renewal.

Most Misdiagnosed Men’s Health IssueThe Poison - We have to thank Joe Gorga for bringing to our attention the often under-appreciated pain and suffering associated with having “The Poison” coursing through a man’s body.  Neither his wife nor the viewing audience truly comprehended the desperate need to remove “The Poison” attacking his system.  If only there was some way to relieve himself of this awful condition… Wait, what’s that?  Sex will empty him of the evil poison?  Who knew?  Oh right, Joe knew.  Um, Joe, we hate to put on the Captain Obvious cape here, but cancer is poison… your “swimmers” however, are a far cry.  Although a tip of the hat for coming up with one of the most creative ways to try and get yourself a little somethin’ somethin’.

Worst Dress CollectionSimon Van Kempen – We think Simon’s sudden foray into wearing caftan dresses was a desperate cry for more camera time.  But regardless of the reason, we are pretty sure Divine was rolling over in his grave completely horrified by this man trying to rock the frock!!  Just when you thought Simon couldn’t make himself any less attractive…

UBest Dress Collection That Inspired A Winey Bitch Fashion TrendThe RHONY Caftan Collection – And speaking of caftans… Yes, all those crazy Housewives running around Morocco ensuring that the phrase “Ugly American” lives on did inspire us momentarily.  No, not with the behavior but with the fashion.  How we loved the fabulosity that was the Countess in a caftan.  We loved it so much that we sacrificed entire days to pouring over the Internet trying to find just the right ones to add to our collection.  I believe those are referred to in the working world as “sick days”.  Look, a girl needs a day off to shop every now and again.  We’re sure there’s a study in a medical journal somewhere that says that.   Now, about booking that trip…

Best One-Liners of The SeasonLuann De Lesseps – “You came in with your Herman Munster shoes.”  A brilliant line all on its own only made better by Luann’s haughty reply to Alex saying they are Louis Vuitton, “Well even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.”  I mean you can’t write this stuff… Oh.  Regardless, Luann really earned her royal self a crown in our books with her zingers this year.  She was the one bright spot of humor in a season filled with painfully humorless women.  Come on ladies, lighten up!

  • Honorable MentionPhaedra Parks – Miss Phaedra has really worked her way onto our favorites list this season with her one-liners.  From her donkey booty to her prayer cloth to ward off lusty spirits to her thoughts on Peter’s “village of children”, we can’t stop smiling when she’s on the screen.  We just can’t wait for her to get that Funeral Parlor up and running.  That’s gonna be a goldmine for good times!  Yes, we see the irony and potential crassness in that but it’s too much fun.

Person We’d Most Want As A Friend – Kandi Burruss – We talked about Cindy Barshop for the free waxes or Adrienne Maloof for the free at-(her)-home spa treatments but realized that we’d probably be over the drama before the end of the first hang.  But Kandi is someone we think we could spend serious quality time with.  She comes across as down-to-earth, honest and fun.  We’d love to share a bottle of bubbly with Kandi and get down to some real girl talk…. further convincing her that we deserve a guest spot on Kandi Koated Nights.  Besides, we’re pretty convinced we’ve got a “Tardy For the Party” hit brewing inside of us.  Bring on the Autotune!

Best Reality Show We Don’t ReviewLove & Hip-Hop – We love this show.  We really do.  What we don’t love is getting sucker punched.  And after watching this show, we’re pretty sure if we were to publicly mock this show as we do all the others, that’s what would be in store for us.  So, we just watch and mock in the privacy of our own homes.  We’re pretty sure the same would happen with Mob Wives, but we don’t actually like that show.  And by “don’t like”, we mean “love”.  Seriously.  Don’t hurt us.

Best Scripted ShowRevenge – Oh how we love this show!  Drama, suspense and intrigue… It’s been a long time since a nighttime drama was this much delicious fun.  And really, Madeline Stowe looks amazing.  Whatever she’s doing, sign us up… Well, unless it involves exercise or giving up cheese.  If you haven’t checked this show out, we recommend spending your hangover (aka: New Year’s Day) catching up on previous episodes online or On Demand.  You won’t be sorry.