Category Archives: Dancing With The Stars

Dancing With The Stars, Season 16 – Week 1 in 500 or Less

One-Sentence Summary:  The “stars” strut their stuff in their first dances of the season.

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 11.44.27 AMOur Thoughts:

Rachel:  Was a fun night tweeting live.  Hope you’ll join the conversation next week.  Follow us @twowineybitches and let us know what you think of the dances too.  There were a few bright stars this week but mostly middle of the road performances.  Here’s how it went down…

Week 1 (Scores Below)

The illusion netting and spandex were in full effect tonight.  Kellie was first with an awesome Cha Cha that started the season on the right foot.  See what I did there.   We get early Bruno hip action in celebration.  Too soon.  Victor “Vicious” Continue reading

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Dancing With The Stars, Season 16 – Meet The Cast

One-Sentence Summary:  The pros are back and ready to dance with people they never heard of.

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 6.34.34 PMOur Thoughts:

Rachel:  The illusion netting and spandex is back for Season 16 of Dancing With The Stars, and as usual, they are pushing the definition of “star” to the max.  It’s also my first season without Maks in the line-up.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  We all know how I love to bitch & moan about him…  I think I might miss it. Well, at least we still have Val and his chest to keep me occupied.

And in case you missed it last season.  We will be live tweeting the show, so make sure you’re following us on Twitter – @twowineybitches.  Original, right?  Join the conversation and let us know what you think as the stars take the floor for the first time.

Here is our guide to the latest motley crew of pros and the people that will be stepping on their toes…

ALEXANDRA RAISMAN

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER:  MARK BALLAS

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ABC Says:  Just 18 years old, Alexandra Raisman captained the U.S. Women’s Gymnastics Team to its first team gold medal since the 1996 Olympic Games. Raisman added the United States’ first ever gold medal in the floor exercise and also won a bronze on the balance beam, making her the most decorated American gymnast in London.

Rachel Says:  How can I not love a fellow Member of The Tribe that danced to the Hava Nagila and brought home Olympic gold?  Excited to see Alexandra rock the floor again.  I also love her partner, Mark.  To me, he is the edgiest of the pros, so I think this could be a really winning combo.  Thus far, she’s my fave.  Then again, she’s the only person I’ve discussed.

ANDY DICK

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: SHARNA BURGESS

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What ABC Says:  Andy Dick is an American comedian, actor, writer, director, musician and producer. Dick grew up in the Chicago area where he participated in many stage productions. During his senior year of high school, Dick’s love of performing proved decisive as he was elected homecoming king.

What Rachel Says:  Really?  Seriously?  No.  There’s no surprise the newbie pro, Sharna, got partnered with this guy.  He’s not long for the dancing road.  At least I  hope not.  He bugs.  Big time.

D.L. HUGHLEY

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: CHERYL BURKE

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What ABC Says:  D.L Hughley, one of the most popular and highly recognized standup comedians on the road today has also made quite an impression in the television, film and radio arenas.  First and foremost a standup comedian, his fifth stand-up special Reset premiered on Showtime in 2012 and is currently available on DVD.  Known for being astute and politically savvy, Hughley served as host of the late night talk show D.L. Hughley Breaks the News on CNN. He was both star and producer of his namesake television show that ran on ABC and UPN The Hughleys. He is one of the standout comedians of the hit comedy docu-film The Original Kings of Comedy.

What Rachel Says:  OK, I like DL.  I’ll like him more if he makes me laugh this season.  Being that he’s a comedian, I’m thinking there’s a good shot of that happening.  Granted, Andy Dick aslo calls himself a comedian.  He’s in good hands with Cheryl, but not good enough for him to usurp Alexandra’s #1 spot on Team Rachel.

DOROTHY HAMILL

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: TRISTAN MACMANUS

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What ABC Says:  Dorothy Hamill captured the Gold Medal at the 1976 Winter Games in Innsbruck, Austria at the age of 19. Overnight, she became one of those rare champions who transcended her sport and captured the country’s imagination.

What Rachel Says:  Just seeing Dorothy’s name brings back disturbing memories of more than one tragic elementary school picture of me sporting the pageboy haircut she made famous.  I see she intends to torture me further by insisting on still having the same ‘do 30+ years later.  Thankfully, I’ll be spending more time watching cutie Tristan than Dorothy, so I might not be totally traumatized by visions of pageboy hair, plaid shirts and the scarves my mother insisted I wear.  I don’t know about her.  She seems more suited to old YouTube videos of Battle of The Network Stars.

INGO RADEMACHER

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: KYM JOHNSON

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What ABC Says:  Soap opera star Ingo Rademacher is best known to audiences as the charismatic Jasper “Jax” Jacks on ABC’s General Hospital. Rademacher originated the role of “Jax,” having first aired on General Hospital in January of 1996. His other television credits include Hawaii Five-OTitansVeronica’s Closet, and According To Jim.

What Rachel Says:   I was going to go off on a tangent about how no one watches soap operas anymore until I remembered a certain Winey Bitch that DVRs General Hospital every day.  So, I guess she’s the one keeping these shows in business.  I’m not mad at him, if he is indeed as cute as the picture makes him look.  Partnering with Kym might make them the hottest couple on the floor, but I’m not ready to give him William Levy status yet.  I’ll need a little ass shaking first… please.

JACOBY JONES

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: KARINA SMIRNOFF

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What ABC Says:  Jacoby Jones is a professional football player for the 2013 Super Bowl Champions Baltimore Ravens. Jones began his professional career after being drafted by the Houston Texans in 2009 and was signed by the Baltimore Ravens in 2012.

What Rachel Says:  Aw, hell no.  There is no part of this die-hard Steelers fan that is going to root for a Raven, especially the first Raven to return a punt for a touchdown against the Steelers.  He might be lovely as a person, but he is getting no love over here.  None.  {{{  Folds arms & huffs in a display of faux defiance. }}}

KELLIE PICKLER

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: DEREK HOUGH

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What ABC Says:  Kellie Pickler grew up immersed in country music in the small town of Albemarle, North Carolina with the words of Tammy Wynette, Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, and Dolly Parton shaping her musical footing.  At the age of 19, she gained fame as a contestant on the fifth season of American Idol, and in 2006, signed to 19 Recordings/BNA Records to release her debut, Small Town Girl, which has gone on to sell over 800,000 copies and produce three singles: “Red High Heels,” “I Wonder,” and “Things That Never Cross a Man’s Mind.”

What Rachel Says:  I could have sworn she was on this show already.  Maybe she just sang.  Or maybe my Swiss cheese brain is confusing American Idol with this show.  It’s possible.  She’s lucky she has Derek as her partner, because methinks she might need someone with a whole lotta patience.  I’m not saying she’s an airhead… Yes, I am.  She’d be screwed if Maks was her partner.  I think she’ll be entertaining for sure, but not sure if she’s going to be able to rock the choreography.  I give her a middle spot in the pack.

LISA VANDERPUMP

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: GLEB SAVCHENKO

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What ABC Says:  Hailing from London, restaurateur, designer, author, philanthropist, producer and television personality Lisa Vanderpump moved to the United States eight years ago.  Vanderpump is best known for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which she joined in 2010. In 2013, Bravo launched Vanderpump’s own reality television show, Vanderpump Rules. The show follows Vanderpump as she balances her motherly instincts with a shrewd business sense while keeping the passionate and volatile staff at her West Hollywood restaurant in line.

What Rachel Says:  Holy airbrushed photo, Batman!  Anyone who reads this blog knows that I love me some Lisa.  Her particular brand of humor and snark makes me laugh.  I’m not sure, however, that I’ll be as enthused about her moves on the dance floor.  I’m gonna root for her, but I think she’ll only last a few weeks… or until the pink stretch fabric runs out.  Newbie pro, Gleb, being paired with her doesn’t make me think the producers expect her around that long either.  You know they bank on the pro faves sticking around for a while.  Oh come on.  You know they do.

SEAN LOWE

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: Peta Murgatroyd

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What ABC Says:  Sean Lowe has set hearts aflutter as the star of the The Bachelor which just concluded its 17th season on ABC. Sean’s “rosy” journey to The Bachelor was not without its, well…thorns. Originally as a contestant on the eighth edition of The Bachelorette, Lowe was eliminated right before the show’s finale. But heartbreak didn’t derail his pursuit of love and happiness as Lowe soon signed on as ABC’s next Bachelor.

What Rachel Says:  Oh boy, Val has a stiff competitor in the pecs category and I have no doubt they will be exploited to the max.  Sean made a fan when he picked my girl Catherine to receive the final rose on The Bachelor.  Apparently America at large is a fan too seeing as how he scored a coveted 12th spot on the show.  He’s dancing with hottie Peta.  I’m thinking Catherine might have another woman to worry about.  OK, maybe not.  We know he’s a goodie goodie.  Then again, you know how those fame aneurysms can screw with someone’s head.  However, if his dancing looks anything like his kissing, he won’t be doing a little bump & grind with Peta for long.

VICTOR ORTIZ

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: LINDSAY ARNOLD

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What ABC Says:  Victor Ortiz is a living, breathing example of the American dream. From a broken home in a small town in Kansas to the bright lights of the boxing ring, Ortiz has used every obstacle he has encountered along his journey to fuel his strength and attain his dreams.  As former Welterweight Boxing Champion, Ortiz finally found his life’s calling as a world class athlete. The nickname “Vicious” describes Ortiz when he’s in the ring, but his million-dollar smile is a preview to his heart of gold. His ability to connect with people on a human level has kept the spotlight from blinding him. Realizing the importance of hard work, dedication, and family at an early age, Ortiz always finds a way to give back.

What Rachel Says:  I got nothing here.  Never heard of the kid.  Never heard of his partner either so that doesn’t help.  However, I like his story.  I like it a lot.  I’m a big fan of the “American Dream” tale and have a feeling there might be a hanky moment for me when he inevitably tells it.  I’m imagining that will be the night of the “Memorable  Moment” dances.  I’m getting misty just thinking about it.  Careful Alexandra, he has #1 potential.

WYNONNA JUDD

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: TONY DOVOLANI

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What ABC Says:  Five-time Grammy winner and New York Times bestselling author, Wynonna Judd has always revolved her career around telling stories. Whether performing alongside her mother as one half of the legendary duo The Judds, or pushing the boundaries on her own mega-successful solo path, Judd’s ability to reach the heart of the human spirit through her bold and unflinching honesty, is the entertainer’s true gift.

What Rachel Says:  I know who Wynonna Judd is, but know pretty much nothing about her.  I think I like her.  I can’t come up with a reason why I don’t, and everyone knows it’s not at all hard for me to come up with reasons to not like someone.  So, the jury is out.  Dance for me, Wynonna.  Dance for me and I shall decide if you stay or go… in my own mind.

ZENDAYA 

PROFESSIONAL PARTNER: Val Chmerkovskiy

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What ABC Says:  Multi-talented actress and singer, Zendaya, stars as Raquel “Rocky” Blue, one half of the comedic duo, in the hit Disney Channel series Shake It Up! and is currently recording her debut album on Hollywood Records.

What Rachel Says:  Who?  Never heard of the kid.  Apparently she’s famous enough to have only one name though.  Not gonna lie…. I can already tell she’s going to work my nerves the way little Disney darling Chelsea Kane drove me bananas.  It’s not going to help that she’s dancing with Val’s pecs, but I fear she’ll be around for the long haul.  Those Disney kids always are.  Blech.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  OK, so as of right now, I’m fully Team Alexandra.  Who are you rooting for on night one?  Don’t forget to join us on Twitter!

Two Winey Bitches Reality Awards – 2012

The Reality of 2012 According To Two Winey Bitches

Once again, we can’t let 2012 sneak off in a walk of (reality) shame without our usual shout-outs to those that made our year worthy and cringe-worthy.  2012 was a great year for the blog and we hope you’ve enjoyed our take on reality.  Thankfully, the Mayans were wrong and we’re all still here to review the year and look forward to a 2013 filed with wine and bitchiness.  Now, for the awards…

Favorite Reality Star of the Year:  Reza Farahan – Shahs of Sunset

The awesomeness that is Reza

The awesomeness that is Reza

We all know this is Rachel’s pick seeing as how she hasn’t stopped gushing about her new reality BFF, Reza.  But seriously, what’s not to love?  First, it’s not easy to be openly gay in general, let alone in the Persian community, so for Reza to step out in front of the cameras as a role model for gay teens who are struggling is brave.  Second, gay or not, he’s just hilarious.  The pearls that come out of his mouth have us laughing week after week.  And then… there’s the ‘stache.  You have to love a guy who’s not afraid to rock a Village People “Macho Man” mustache.  It’s just all part of the awesomeness that makes Reza our favorite reality star of the year.

WORST Person in the World (of Reality):  Courtney Robertson – The Bachelor

What do you mean I'm annoying?

What do you mean I’m annoying?

Let’s be honest, the weird lip pursing would be enough to make Courtney Robertson unlikeable on its own.  But that wasn’t enough for her.  No, she had to add bitchiness, arrogance and baby talk to the menu as well so that every time her face popped up on our TVs, a collective groan was uttered and more wine was poured.  OK fine, the wine was going to be poured regardless.  Anyway, we knew the journey was going to be painful based on Ben Flapjack alone, but throwing in Courtney and then letting her win was just salt in the wound.  Granted, Ben finally did catch on to the ugly that is Courtney, but not before torturing us through the entire season and a pouty After The Final Rose where she played the little victim.   More like vixen.

  • Honorable Mention:  Kalon McMahon – The Bachelor - If Courtney was the poster child for evil incarnate on the Bachelorette,
    Enter the villain.

    Enter the villain.

    then her evil twin on the Bachelor has to be Kalon McMahon.  His arrival in a helicopter didn’t exactly warm him up to the other men in the house, and his subsequent digs about Emily’s kid didn’t warm him up to us.  However, his presence did give us one of the most epic dismissals in Bachelor history.  So, for that alone, he only gets runner up status.

Best New Reality Cast 2012:  Hollywood Exes

Welcome to the exes

Welcome to the exes

These ladies didn’t get as much love in the press as some other “housewives”, but we really dug hanging out with the girls… for the most part.  Yes, they had their drama, but they were the only cast that seemed interested in actually resolving drama.  There was a glass thrown and some nasty jabs hurled, but all in all, it was a pleasure watching these ladies.  And of course, we can’t talk about the Exes without giving a little shout-out to our favorite girl, Drea.  From her Wig-Out Party to “you better check your email”, she was an endless fountain of good times.  Hurry back!  We could use a little Drea in our world.

Least Memorable Reality Cast 2012: The Real Housewives of Miami

RHOM - Snoozen Two

RHOM – Snoozen Two

Really Bravo, help some bitches out and know when to say when.  While you mixed up the cast a bit… Add a model, a lawyer, a dentist and an actual housewife, but it’s the same sad story.  There was potential with an unhinged supermodel and a philandering telenovela star, but we still just didn’t feel the love.  See, generally, there’s at least one Housewife that we can somewhat identify with or just laugh with, but not here.  No, we can’t get down with these chicks. Sorry.

Biggest “Fame Aneurism”:  Kim Zolciak – Real Housewives of Atlanta, Don’t Be Tardy For the Wedding

The precise moment fame went to Kim's head.

The precise moment fame went to Kim’s head.

The Chinese need to update the calendars, 2012 was not the year of the dragon, but the Year of the Kim.  You know, because everything and anything should be all about her – or just hers.  Kim’s “fame” clearly went to her head this year.  Sadly, our usual yearly Kim detox was interrupted by “Tardy For The Wedding”, where we were tortured with Kim setting-up every scene by telling KJ a “remember when” fairytale, her kicking her mother out of her wedding and all the other drama that is Kim’s life.  We can’t say we were sad to see her storm out of the Real Housewives luncheon and out of our lives forever.  That being said, it’s only fair to give her another award…

Thing We Most Never Want To See/Hear Again:Kim Zolciak – With Kim’s departure, we no longer have to sit bracing ourselves for her screeching “Sweeeetieeee”, the uncouth sex talk between her and Kroy or the word of the day plastered across her ass.  No really, the Winey Bitches both did a little celebration dance as she cursed her way off our small screens with the threats of legal action.  Please let that riding off in the Rover be the last we see or hear of this particular Housewife.

Best Recovery From A Fame Aneurysm (So Far) NeNe Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta 

A kinder gentler NeNe

A kinder gentler NeNe

Now, we’re being cautiously optimistic here, but it really seems like the “I’m Rich, Bitch” NeNe of days of yore has been replaced by “It’s All Good” NeNe and we’re liking it.  This is why we fell in love with her in the first place and what we missed so much after she was hit with the fame aneurysm.  We blame her proximity to Donald Trump for that.  But if it takes starring roles on two TV shows to bring our NeNe back to earth, well then we say cast away.  We think Gregg probably agrees.

Best Reality Moment We Never Saw Coming:  Nick Peterson  Wins – Bachelor Pad Season 3

Bam! I win... ALL of it.

Bam! I win… ALL of it.

In a move that was jaw-dropping GENIUS, we saw actual reality slap our “Reality Stars” in the face, when Nick pulled his brilliant take-the-money-and-screw-you move on the Season 3 finale of Bachelor Pad.  Everyone was so wrapped up in their self-serving drama that they didn’t bother to pay attention to that Nick guy who just floated around the background.  And yet, there he was on the stage winning one for the quiet guy.  It was worth every painful minute of what was Bachelor Pad 3 to have witnessed that gem.  Nick, you forever have a place in our Bitchy hearts.

  • Honorable Mention:  William Levy In Dance Pants – Dancing with the Stars Season 14 - Who knew men’s dance pants could look
    The never before seen mechanic dance number

    The never before seen mechanic dance number

    soooo good?  No really, it takes a lot to make those things look sexy… Think Michael Flatley.  Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about.  Well, we learned with the 14th season of DWTS that Mr. William Levy has A LOT to offer in the filling things out category.  Add to that his Latin swagger and the Winey Bitches are ready with our remotes to pause and rewind like we’re looking for the second shooter on the grassy knoll.  We would also be remiss not to give a shout out to his partner Cheryl Burke for her fantastic wardrobe choices.  Way to work to your strengths and leverage his assets.  

Jump The Shark Season:  Real Housewives of New Jersey

I'll snack on your soul if you don't give me my own show

I’ll snack on your soul if you don’t give me my own show

We’re not really sure if Teresa managed to single-handedly destroy a show, or her brother’s Tarzan references became too much for us to take, or maybe it was  Joe Guidice calling his wife a C-bomb while talking dirty his girlfriend – er, rather a business partner – that killed it for us but even our love for all thing Caroline couldn’t save this season.  It was just exhaustingly mean-spirited with almost zero redeeming moments.  In short, it sucked.  Straight-up sucked.  Sorry, we don’t really enjoy an entire season of Joe Gorga telling us how crazy his sister is.  Tell us something we don’t know, Joe.

Least Compelling Cast Addition:  Yolanda Foster – Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Neither McKayla nor Yolanda are amused.

Neither McKayla nor Yolanda are amused.

While we love a woman who just works out every day and plucks petals from her garden for her dinner parties (um, not), Yolanda just hasn’t brought any real excitement to the Hills.  We had to look for the funny with this one and drag poor McKayla into the mix just to give ourselves something to chuckle about.  I mean would it have killed her to give us at least one juicy Behind-The-Music-esque story?  There needs to be a little something to hook these Winey Bitches.  So while we really want to like you, Yolanda, right now you’re just extra typing for our tired hands…. though that is a most impressive veggie fridge.

Most Awkward Moment in Reality:  Doug Clerget and Emily Maynard’s First (And Final) Kiss – The Bachelorette

Here's the thing... I need you to leave.

Oh Dear, this is awkward… Thanks for the kiss, but I need you to leave.

Oh man, I don’t remember a more awkward kiss outside of a middle school dance.  Poor Doug finally grew a pair and went in for his long overdue smooch just as Ems was trying to find the right words to kick him to the curb.  It was with that pathetic dismissal that a giant wamp-wamp rose up, echoed through the alleys of Prague and reverberated around the rest of the world.  We were fans of Doug and were sad to see him go, but it is the Bachelorette and at this stage she’s expecting to get to second base, not to just be stepping up to the plate.  However, we do still love Doug and love that he is actually doing some good in this crazy world, so we’re sharing a link to his charity, Dollar Per Month.  It’s a great way to make a little donation go a long way.  Check it out…. after you’re finished reading this post, of course.

  • it's the stripper version of the awkward kiss

    It’s the stripper version of the awkward kiss

    Honorable Mention:  Jamie Otis & Ben Flajnik’s Almost First Kiss- The Bachelor - Jamie Otis’s attempt at a lap dance/kiss with Ben Flapjack only succeeded in making viewers cringe in discomfort.  We all collectively began yelling at our screens for her to “For the love of all things great and small please stop!!”.  Sadly she did not, and we all learned the valuable lesson that a lap dance does not, in fact, save a date.  Oh, if only they would bring back those PSAs and avoid the same embarrassment for other girls across America.

Best Reality Couple:  Heidi Dillon and Pam Martin – Big Rich Texas

Memories... light the corners of my mind...

Memories… light the corners of my mind…

 

While not a couple per se, these two ladies are the best duo reality TV had going.  We’re sad they decided their day-to-day lives were more relevant and opted out.  Many nights we waited patiently, but none too quietly, hoping one of the ladies would finally make a surprise appearance, but sadly no.  We’ll try our best to fill the void with champagne, tiaras and sass… We miss you ladies!!

Worst Reality Couple: Slade Smiley & Gretchen Rossi, Real Housewives of Orange County 

How have you not dumped me yet?

How have you not dumped me yet?

We’re sure there are plenty of viable arguments as to why another couple should be winning this award, but this is our blog so we make the final decision.  And this final decision is based on the fact that we just can’t stand Slade.  Period.  His foray into stand-up comedy in lieu of an actual paying job certainly didn’t do much to bolster our opinion either.  Add to the fact that it didn’t really seem like Gretchen was his biggest fan this past season either, we can’t wrap our brains around why these two are still together.  And why we have to, therefore, be subjected to the torture.

Best Facial Overhaul:  Lea Black – Real Housewives of Miami

What surgery?

What surgery?

So, Ms. Black claims no work has been done on her face since a neck tuck years ago and yet came back in Season 2 looking rather “refreshed” since we last saw her.  So, either she’s lying about having work done or she sold her soul for the porcelain skin of a 12-year-old… You be the judge

Most Misdiagnosed Women’s Health Issue:   Kalyn’s Stress UTI – Big Rich Texas

Leslie's so dumb that I bet I can feed her some made-up story about my illness and score a sweater out of the deal.

Leslie’s so dumb that I bet I can feed her some made-up story about my illness and score a sweater out of the deal.

We’re still scratching our heads over how anyone bought Kalyn’s story about getting a UTI from the stress Whitney’s been causing her.  I mean we are talking about Leslie, but still, that was just straight-up nonsense.  Well, I guess when you’re good at shoveling shit…

Worst Cover-up in Housewives History:  Luann De LessepsReal Housewives of New York

Remember last night when you didn't come home with me?

Remember last night when you didn’t come home with me?

Unfortunately, we wish we were talking about Kenya’s “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” cover-up or Phaedra’s “Barely There Fishnet Donkey-Booty-Flaunting” would-be cover-up.  Even Nixon’s attempt at a coverup was better than our favorite ex-Countess LuAnn’s “nothing to see over here but a group of Italians” cover up of her little something-something in St. Barths with Tomas, aka: The Poor Man’s Johnny Depp.  Not only was the story ridiculous, but thinking that speaking in French was going to throw off the folks at Bravo really put the nail in your “you’re not really that dumb, are you?” coffin.  I wouldn’t recommend a career as a secret agent.   Maybe it’s best you stick to your awesome one-liners and spare us your attempted subterfuge.

Most Upsetting Behavior By An Octogenarian:  George Teichner (Father of Aviva Drescher), Real Housewives of New York

I call this my little motor boat.

I call this my little motor boat.

We haven’t had this many cringe-worthy moments since we met Joe Gorga.  Then we realized George is Joe in 40-ish years.  But seriously, is there anything less attractive than a pervy old man hitting on young girls by waving around his money and his viagra?  Or more cliche for that matter?  We mean if Sonja “I’m So Horny & Lonely That I’ll Take LuAnn’s Sloppy Seconds” Morgan won’t even consider the offer, you’re a special kind of slimy.  Every time this guy was on camera, we were afraid of what would come out of his mouth, including his tongue.  Not to mention the permanent mental scars we now have thanks to Granpappy Perv’s game of “That’s Not A Roll of Quarters In My Pants” that we had to witness.  Ugh, just typing the words makes us queasy.  Let’s just hope Aviva is smart enough to keep George and his little blue pills tucked far away next season.

Worst Retool Of A Show - America’s Next Top Model

The new guard - Tyra, Kelly, Rob & Johnny.

The new guard – Tyra, Kelly, Rob & Johnny.

Let’s be honest, firing The Jays and Nigel wasn’t going to please many longtime fans of the show, but The CW was more interested in bringing back the hordes of fans that had gotten tired of Tyra’s many personalities and lame tie-ins to her Modelland book.  And while we won’t say that Rob, Kelly & Johnny didn’t do a good job on their own merits, the whole show was so convoluted between the social networking, the girl coming back, the college scholarships and moving it to Friday nights, we spent most of the season trying to figure out what was going on…. or not bothering at all seeing as how it was the lowest rated season in the show’s history.  Look, we just want pretty faces, in pretty clothes, taking pretty pictures.  Leave the user-generated commentary on YouTube – or this blog – where it belongs.  Seriously, all this nonsense is just fuel for Naomi Campbell, whose new modeling show with Nigel Barker should be called “There’s A New Bitch In Charge, Tyra, And Her Name I Naomi.”  But I guess “The Face” fits better on a t-shirt.

Biggest Example Of Why Tragically Hip Just Means Tragic: Chantal Chadwick – Gallery Girls

This is my sexy intellectual look.  I practice in the mirror all the time.

This is my sexy intellectual look. I practice in the mirror all the time.

Here’s the thing, when your raging against the machine becomes as cliche as the actual machine, you might want to change things up.  Gallery Girl’s Chantal Chadwick danced onto our TVs this year as the poster child for what happens when the tragically hip drink far too much of their own Kool-Aid… Oh sorry, they’d never drink that… of their organic wheatgrass shot with a vodka chaser.  She spent the season being more concerned about her pinot noir being French than she did worrying about her electric bill being paid at her place of business, because actual hard work is so not her style.  Being blase, however, is.  It was all we could do to not fly to New York just to shake some sense into her, but then we realized that investing that kind of energy, money & time into her is so not our style.  Being winos, however, is.

Bottom Line:  Well, we could go on and on and on here with the awards, but honestly, we’d rather hear from you.  What award would you give out this year?  Let us know!  We really want to hear your thoughts.  Thanks again for a great 2012.  Please be safe out there and we’ll see you next year!

Dancing With The Stars 14 – The Finale

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s the last dance, last chance, tonight.

Oh yeah, I’ve still got it. Hot, burning, sexy, unstoppable heat right here.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Down to the final three and yes we were conspicuously absent last week.  That’s all on me.  Sometimes life gets in the way and I just wasn’t able to get you our thoughts in time for tonight’s show.  I apologize, but I trust that you all survived the week without our witty banter.   Anywho, it all comes down to tonight’s & tomorrow night’s dances. It’s a really close race and week after week the contestants have brought their A-games.  Can’t wait to see what they’ve got in store for us tonight.

Melissa:  Oh boy… I’m not going to be happy regardless.  I can’t imagine any of these folks losing the mirror ball.  Maybe it’s just my detox shakes (long weekend with my Winey Bitch), but I’m all jittery with excitement to see what these couples have in store for us tonight.  I can hardly wait!!

William Levy

William & Cheryl dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Raise Your Glass” by Pink

Rachel’s What Happened:  The first dance tonight is picked by the judges.  Cheryl tells William that a judge will be coming to tell them what dance they will be doing.  William guesses it will be Bruno stopping by, and of course, it is.  There’s no doubt he wouldn’t have let anyone else deliver the news.  Any chance to be close to William… Can’t blame him.  They will be doing the Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says his hip action is sex on legs, but the other two finalists are just as talented.  Yeah, that boy really can work those hips.  He rocks the Cha Cha with no problems.  He was born for this.  Len says loud & proud!  That was as good as he’s ever seen in 14 seasons of Cha Cha Cha.  Bruno says that was an intoxicating Cuban cocktail of natural flowing moves.  His hip action leaves him green with envy.  Carrie Ann says the magic is still there and so is the sophistication.  He has grown miles.

Melissa:  Yes, you know Bruno was all-in to help William with his Cha Cha this week… Naughty Boy Bruno.  Oh, I’m liking this cha-cha.  I’ll say it again, William is just meant to shake his hips and ass.  I can’t hate any of that action tonight.  Apparently neither can the judges.  He rocked 10s across the board.

Score:  30

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Paso Doble to “España Cañi” by Erich Kunsel

Rachel’s What Happened:  Len tells them that they are dancing the Paso Doble.  He tells them that this time around they need to temper the aggression with finesse.  Hopefully, this will get her the ten from Len.  OK, it’s rather unfair that this woman is gorgeous, sweet, funny, can sing like an angel and dance like this.  It’s hard to hate her because she’s so adorable and that dance was on point.  Bruno says that was a Paso Doble full of vivid lustrous artistry.  Her shape extended beautifully.  Technical brilliance.  Carrie Ann said it was like watching a prima ballerina.  Every move was perfectly executed.  Len says it was like a buffet of Spanish tapas.  Lots to satisfy your taste buds.  Fabulous.

Melissa:  Oh, mama likes this Paso… Nice and clean, not too much.  Dig that skirt action, Miss K!  Oh, and Maria came to watch… How supportive.  You know she’s totally wishing it was her.  DAY-UM, another perfect score!!

Score:  30

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Argentine Tango to “They” by Jem

Rachel’s What Happened: Carrie Ann tells Donald that he will be dancing the Argentine Tango.  She says what was lacking in their last tango was content in the choreography so don’t waste time with filler.  Make the moves bigger and bring it.  Holy skimpy dress, Peta!  Um, that was hot hot hot.  I have goose bumps.  Carrie Ann says she loved it the first time and she loved it again.  She loved the crispness to his moves.  Len says he felt there was far more content.  He loved the set-up and the intensity.  It was a tad careful but a vast improvement over the last time.  Bruno says he went for the subtle and intimate.  Small in detail but very strong storytelling.  He could read everything in the story and it was very very effective.

Melissa:  Carrie Ann wants his Tango moves to be bigger… And bigger he’ll go.  Oh, and a lift to start things off.  Man this is an awesome Tango.  She’s fantastic with her choreography if you ask me.  I know you didn’t, but this is what I do… Put my 2 cents in.  Isn’t that kinda why you’re here?

Score:  29 – Oh Len, you’re such a pain in the ass!

Time for the freestyle!

William Levy

William and Cheryl freestyle to “Obsession” by Shakira

Rachel’s What Happened:  Cheryl says this is the most important dance of the season.  It will make it or break it.  Cheryl thought he did such a great dance with his Argentine Tango, so she’s going to go for a sexy dance.  Yeah, she knows what the ladies like.  He’s having a hard time with the lifts, but he knows with great risk comes great reward.  Ok, this wasn’t my favorite dance of his.  I feel like they relied too much on him being sexy.  He’s a better dancer than that.  I’m sure I’m alone on this one though.  Len says what he does he does well.  He liked it.  He liked the rhythm changes, but it was too predictable.  All he did was shake his butt and make the women scream.  (See, Len’s with me!)  Bruno says they were like two devils unleashed upon the earth into a Latin extravaganza.  Carrie Ann does the robot and I have no idea why.  She says that it what a freestyle should be.  Then there is some arguing between her & Len, which Tom isn’t interested in hearing since he just talks right over them.  Ha… Love Tom.

Melissa:  Cheryl is working the lifts with William, and he’s a bit, um… Not so great with it all.  But you know how this works… “Oh, I’m not good.”  Then it’s 10s.  OK, that was really wonderfully executed.  That was hot and that’s what the people want to see.  Oh, Len thinks it was too predictable with his butt shaking.  Um Len, that’s what gets the votes my dear… That’s what this is all about, the votes.  And if Carrie Ann is any indication, the ladies like the shaking of the bon-bon as it were.

Score:  29

Night’s Total:  59

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark freestyle to “Sing, Sing, Sing (With A Swing)” by Benny Goodman

Rachel’s What Happened: This is where Mark excels so I’m super excited to see this dance.  Mark says he thinks she’s the most versatile dancer of the bunch so he wants to show that off.  He’s combining so many dances that she has to really just go with it.  There’s no time to think.  Oh we get to hear her sing too!  Awesome.  This dance is so much fun but I wonder if she’s going to get dinged for the flat shoes because she’s not pointing her toes.  Plus, she just muffed the landing on a lift.  But the choreography was awesome.  Bruno says that was a fast and flamboyant tour de force through all ages of swing.  So much content so fast and so well executed.  You were on the money all the way through.  Carrie Ann says she is such a fabulous performer.  She can do anything.  That was the dance of a champion.  Len says if he was dreaming don’t wake him up.  This was a freestyle.

Melissa:  Mark is going to bring out all the stops with his choreography for the freestyle.  She’s still the cutest little pip of a thing.  Oh really, playing up the singing?  This is some legit piece of work, and I LOVE IT!!  That was craziness hopped up on Red Bull… AWESOME!  Yeah, we all saw that perfect score coming, and well deserved, my kiddies!

Score:  30

Night’s Total:  60

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta freestyle to “I Play Chicken with the Train” by Cowboy Troy

Rachel’s What Happened: Well, the song title alone makes me intrigued, but I want Donald to BRING IT on this one.  I know he’s got it in him to rock this out.  And I am solidly Team Donald at this point.  He may have beaten my Steelers in the Super Bowl, but I’m pulling for him anyhow.  They’re going to dance to a country song to push it out of the box and show the judges that he’s more than hip-hop.  I’m super excited for this.  Seriously, you’d think it was my birthday.  And hey, Cowboy Troy is here! Woohoo!  That was amazing!  Too much fun!  Len I’m coming for you if you don’t give him a 10!  Now, THAT’S how you freestyle.  Carrie Ann is out of her chair.  She says this was by far her favorite finals and this was by far her favorite dance tonight!  Len says, in football, catches win matches. And chances win dances.  He came out, charged the field and he took a chance.  Fantastic!  Bruno can’t resist a ride in the wild wild west.  As rides go, this was a country-inspired triumph!

Melissa:  Oh boy, going with the “country” theme.  Well played, Donald.  Oh sh*t and Peta gets a bloody lip to boot.  OK, I’m all-in with Donald still.  This is le-F’ing-git!  Dare I even offer up a 2 Legit 2 Quit… Those lifts were RE-DIC-U-LOUS!!  If that doesn’t get a perfect score, I’m out.

Score:  30 – About damn time!

Night’s Total:  59

Final Final

Rachel’s What Happened: Here it is kids.  The final show.  Last year, we all pretty much knew JR was going to take home the mirror ball trophy, deservedly so.  This yeah, it’s anyone’s game.  All three are incredibly talented… and it’s seriously the best looking top three ever.  That certainly doesn’t hurt.  Though I’m going to hedge my bets and say it will come down to the two guys.  It’s hot Latin Lover vs Packer Nation.  Both very strong fan bases.  I love Katherine, but I’m not sure the votes will be there.

We start with a pro dance that features the eliminated stars from the season.  You know, you gotta give them one last moment in the spotlight before they, for the most part, slip back into obscurity.  And we get to see Tristan one last time.  Did we really need Maks doing a stripper move with his shirt?  No.  We did not.

Donald & Peta get the encore dance and the high praise of Len saying it was one of the best freestyles of all time.

Melissa:   Yep, I’m still 100% team Donald and can’t wait to see him get his mirrorball.  I think he and Peta are a completely brilliant team.  My only problem with the the finale is that it’s a whole 1:55 of fluff for the 10 seconds to hear who won.  Well, let me just put this out there:  If it’s not Donald, I’ll refuse to watch next season, and there isn’t anything that other Winey Bitch can do about it.  OK, maybe her awesome sangria could convince me…

Sherri is back and gets her moment to shine.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Normally, we know I hate wasting time on this show, but I’m not mad at bringing back Sherri Shepherd to give us a little “It’s Raining Men”.  She’s just a good time always.  However, I’m less thrilled with Jack Wagner.  OMG do we really have to go through the entire season?  We all watched!  We’re clear on what happened.  I don’t need to relive any of the dances.  Certainly not Melissa and Maks.  And I most definitely to not need a freestyle from Roshon & Chelsea.  What I need are my last dances from the final three and some Mirror Ball Trophy presentation.  Blah blah blah… Kelly Clarkson… blah blah blah… more flashbacks.  Grrr…

An hour & 15 minutes in they actually start with the finale.  What a waste of my time.

Melissa:  HA, I loves me some Sherri too, but as much as I love her, I could do without this number, thought I adore the Weather Girls.  Why do we have to bring back the people voted off?  We got rid of them… Why are they back other than for me to see some Tristan again and kill the clock.

William Levy 

William & Cheryl dance the Salsa to “Juventud de Presente” by Tito Puente

Rachel’s What Happened: Cheryl is sad to be dancing her last dance with William because he’s been such an inspiration to her.  Yeah, that’s why you’re sad.  Just admit you’ve enjoyed rubbing up against that body.  We won’t be mad at you.  We’ll all wink & nod in womanly understanding. William has enjoyed his time too.  Yeah, you got yourself a role on a TV show.  And we’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know you, sir.  Happy times for everyone! William’s last dance showcases what he does best, shake those hips.  Oh, he does it so well.  I think I’ll miss that most of all.  Len says if salsa & rhythm were in the Olympics, he’d have a gold medal.  He’s been a fan since Week 1 & he’s gotten more 10s from Len than anyone.  The reason is because he deserved them.  Bruno says when it comes down to hot, sexy salsa, hips don’t lie.  Nobody does it better than William.  Carrie Ann says he’s heated up the ballroom with his passion and his presence.  But what makes him so special is that he has true star quality.

Melissa:  OK, again, I do love William shakin’ what his Mama gave him.  I’m a big girl and have no problem admitting it.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine & Mark dance the Jive to “Splish Splash” by Bobby Darin

Rachel’s What Happened:  Jiving makes Katherine really happy.  Love that.  Really, she’s too cute.  Hate her.  And by hate, I mean love.  It’s a very confusing situation for me.  So let’s just watch her dance, shall we?  Another fabulous dance by Miss Katherine.  She knows how to pull off cutesy without making it schmaltzy.  She nailed all the moves.  Great way to go out.  Bruno says she’s the girl that has it all.  She truly is one of the most wonderful competitors they’ve ever had.  A truly stunning dancer.  Carrie Ann says it’s true.  She is such a brilliant artist.  She thinks they are the ones that set the bar so high.  Len says she is the complete package.

Melissa:  Aw.  Again, she’s just the cutest little button of a girl.  So sweet.  If William is meant for the Latin dances, this girl is meant for the upbeat Jives.

Score:  30

Total:  90 of 90

Donald Driver

Donald & Peta dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Beggin” by Madcon

Rachel’s What Happened:  Donald is tired during rehearsal and isn’t feeling in top form.  But he knows this dance will make them or break them, so he knows he has to push through.  It’s bittersweet for him because he will miss the memories he’s made in the dance studio.  Ooh Lawd, Donald shirtless.  Yes, please!  It takes a real man to pull off hot pink pants and he does.  He also pulls off the dance in flawless fashion.  He’s got us all “Beggin’”.  Carrie Ann says he’s a fierce competitor.  It’s his intensity.  It’s his passion.  She can see his love for the show and his determination to win.  She thinks he’s the one to beat.  Len says no one is a loser tonight.  They’ve had some great footballers on this show in the past, but he is the best.  (Hey now!)  Bruno says another massive hit by Donald the Magnificent.  He really has had the strategy of champion.  He took the comments and improved week after week.  He peaked at the right time.

Melissa:  I’m still Team Donald tonight. I’ve backed my horse in this race, so come on you two!!  Gotta say, I’m not gonna hate that he’s comfortable with his shirt off.  Then again, any man built like that better be comfortable.

Score:  30

Total:  89 of 90

The First Elimination

The final three couples wait to find out who will be eliminated first.

Rachel’s What Happened: So, Gladys came back and sang for us first while we saw images of the final three from the season on the big screens.  That was lovely.  I can’t be mad at that. And Katherine getting misty is making me misty.  Stop it!  But it’s time to find out who’s going home and who’s going on to the Final Two.  I’m nervous… I really wish they could all win… And I’m so not that girl.  But they all truly deserve it.  Unfortunately, William & Cheryl are the first to leave the ballroom, which is a bit funny considering she is the only that looks confident in the picture above.  Aw, his son is so upset.  Sweet thing.

Melissa:  William and Cheryl get their 3rd place and his poor little boy is crying for Daddy.

The Moment…

It’s down to the Donald & Peta and Katherine & Mark. One of these couples is moments away from the Mirror Ball Trophy.

Rachel’s What Happened: Oh boy… Here we go.  I’m pulling for Donald here.  Again, I think they all deserve it, but I so want him to have it.  He wants it so badly.  And he really brought it every week.  Who knew there was so much smoothness in that massive body.  Then again, Katherine is so flawless… Ah!  This is torture!  Just tell us…

And the winner is… Donald Driver!  And he goes to the floor.  LOL… He’s awesome.  OMG, I’m such a mess… I’m totally crying.  That little crying baby of his is beyond too cute too.  And to see him with his wife is so great.  They rock.  Yay!

Melissa:  YES!!  My boy Donald gets his Mirrorball Trophy for the mantel!!  I knew my bedazzled jersey would be just what he needed.

Donald & Peta hoist the Mirrorball Trophy in celebration of their victory.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Ah, good times.  Good times.  What a great season.  To think that just a few seasons ago, I refused to watch this show and now I’m sitting her blubbering like a fool.  Those producers are going to have a really hard time duplicating this season’s magic next season.  I hope they’ve already started making some phone calls.

Melissa:  Wow, for real that was an amazing season – one I won’t soon forget.  WOW, they seriously need to step it up like crazy for the fall to keep me anywhere near as entertained as I was this season.