Category Archives: America’s Next Top Model

The Reality of 2012 According To Two Winey Bitches

Once again, we can’t let 2012 sneak off in a walk of (reality) shame without our usual shout-outs to those that made our year worthy and cringe-worthy.  2012 was a great year for the blog and we hope you’ve enjoyed our take on reality.  Thankfully, the Mayans were wrong and we’re all still here to review the year and look forward to a 2013 filed with wine and bitchiness.  Now, for the awards…

Favorite Reality Star of the Year:  Reza Farahan – Shahs of Sunset

We all know this is Rachel’s pick seeing as how she hasn’t stopped gushing about her new reality BFF, Reza.  But seriously, what’s not to love?  First, it’s not easy to be openly gay in general, let alone in the Persian community, so for Reza to step out in front of the cameras as a role model for gay teens who are struggling is brave.  Second, gay or not, he’s just hilarious.  The pearls that come out of his mouth have us laughing week after week.  And then… there’s the ‘stache.  You have to love a guy who’s not afraid to rock a Village People “Macho Man” mustache.  It’s just all part of the awesomeness that makes Reza our favorite reality star of the year.

WORST Person in the World (of Reality):  Courtney Robertson – The Bachelor

Let’s be honest, the weird lip pursing would be enough to make Courtney Robertson unlikeable on its own.  But that wasn’t enough for her.  No, she had to add bitchiness, arrogance and baby talk to the menu as well so that every time her face popped up on our TVs, a collective groan was uttered and more wine was poured.  OK fine, the wine was going to be poured regardless.  Anyway, we knew the journey was going to be painful based on Ben Flapjack alone, but throwing in Courtney and then letting her win was just salt in the wound.  Granted, Ben finally did catch on to the ugly that is Courtney, but not before torturing us through the entire season and a pouty After The Final Rose where she played the little victim.   More like vixen.

• Honorable Mention:  Kalon McMahon – The Bachelor - If Courtney was the poster child for evil incarnate on the Bachelorette,
  

  Enter the villain.

  then her evil twin on the Bachelor has to be Kalon McMahon.  His arrival in a helicopter didn’t exactly warm him up to the other men in the house, and his subsequent digs about Emily’s kid didn’t warm him up to us.  However, his presence did give us one of the most epic dismissals in Bachelor history.  So, for that alone, he only gets runner up status.

Best New Reality Cast 2012:  Hollywood Exes

These ladies didn’t get as much love in the press as some other “housewives”, but we really dug hanging out with the girls… for the most part.  Yes, they had their drama, but they were the only cast that seemed interested in actually resolving drama.  There was a glass thrown and some nasty jabs hurled, but all in all, it was a pleasure watching these ladies.  And of course, we can’t talk about the Exes without giving a little shout-out to our favorite girl, Drea.  From her Wig-Out Party to “you better check your email”, she was an endless fountain of good times.  Hurry back!  We could use a little Drea in our world.

Least Memorable Reality Cast 2012: The Real Housewives of Miami

Really Bravo, help some bitches out and know when to say when.  While you mixed up the cast a bit… Add a model, a lawyer, a dentist and an actual housewife, but it’s the same sad story.  There was potential with an unhinged supermodel and a philandering telenovela star, but we still just didn’t feel the love.  See, generally, there’s at least one Housewife that we can somewhat identify with or just laugh with, but not here.  No, we can’t get down with these chicks. Sorry.

Biggest “Fame Aneurism”:  Kim Zolciak – Real Housewives of Atlanta, Don’t Be Tardy For the Wedding

The Chinese need to update the calendars, 2012 was not the year of the dragon, but the Year of the Kim.  You know, because everything and anything should be all about her – or just hers.  Kim’s “fame” clearly went to her head this year.  Sadly, our usual yearly Kim detox was interrupted by “Tardy For The Wedding”, where we were tortured with Kim setting-up every scene by telling KJ a “remember when” fairytale, her kicking her mother out of her wedding and all the other drama that is Kim’s life.  We can’t say we were sad to see her storm out of the Real Housewives luncheon and out of our lives forever.  That being said, it’s only fair to give her another award…

Thing We Most Never Want To See/Hear Again: – Kim Zolciak – With Kim’s departure, we no longer have to sit bracing ourselves for her screeching “Sweeeetieeee”, the uncouth sex talk between her and Kroy or the word of the day plastered across her ass.  No really, the Winey Bitches both did a little celebration dance as she cursed her way off our small screens with the threats of legal action.  Please let that riding off in the Rover be the last we see or hear of this particular Housewife.

Best Recovery From A Fame Aneurysm (So Far) - NeNe Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta 

Now, we’re being cautiously optimistic here, but it really seems like the “I’m Rich, Bitch” NeNe of days of yore has been replaced by “It’s All Good” NeNe and we’re liking it.  This is why we fell in love with her in the first place and what we missed so much after she was hit with the fame aneurysm.  We blame her proximity to Donald Trump for that.  But if it takes starring roles on two TV shows to bring our NeNe back to earth, well then we say cast away.  We think Gregg probably agrees.

Best Reality Moment We Never Saw Coming:  Nick Peterson  Wins – Bachelor Pad Season 3

In a move that was jaw-dropping GENIUS, we saw actual reality slap our “Reality Stars” in the face, when Nick pulled his brilliant take-the-money-and-screw-you move on the Season 3 finale of Bachelor Pad.  Everyone was so wrapped up in their self-serving drama that they didn’t bother to pay attention to that Nick guy who just floated around the background.  And yet, there he was on the stage winning one for the quiet guy.  It was worth every painful minute of what was Bachelor Pad 3 to have witnessed that gem.  Nick, you forever have a place in our Bitchy hearts.

• Honorable Mention:  William Levy In Dance Pants – Dancing with the Stars Season 14 - Who knew men’s dance pants could look
  

  The never before seen mechanic dance number

  soooo good?  No really, it takes a lot to make those things look sexy… Think Michael Flatley.  Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about.  Well, we learned with the 14th season of DWTS that Mr. William Levy has A LOT to offer in the filling things out category.  Add to that his Latin swagger and the Winey Bitches are ready with our remotes to pause and rewind like we’re looking for the second shooter on the grassy knoll.  We would also be remiss not to give a shout out to his partner Cheryl Burke for her fantastic wardrobe choices.  Way to work to your strengths and leverage his assets.  

Jump The Shark Season:  Real Housewives of New Jersey

We’re not really sure if Teresa managed to single-handedly destroy a show, or her brother’s Tarzan references became too much for us to take, or maybe it was  Joe Guidice calling his wife a C-bomb while talking dirty his girlfriend – er, rather a business partner – that killed it for us but even our love for all thing Caroline couldn’t save this season.  It was just exhaustingly mean-spirited with almost zero redeeming moments.  In short, it sucked.  Straight-up sucked.  Sorry, we don’t really enjoy an entire season of Joe Gorga telling us how crazy his sister is.  Tell us something we don’t know, Joe.

Least Compelling Cast Addition:  Yolanda Foster – Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

While we love a woman who just works out every day and plucks petals from her garden for her dinner parties (um, not), Yolanda just hasn’t brought any real excitement to the Hills.  We had to look for the funny with this one and drag poor McKayla into the mix just to give ourselves something to chuckle about.  I mean would it have killed her to give us at least one juicy Behind-The-Music-esque story?  There needs to be a little something to hook these Winey Bitches.  So while we really want to like you, Yolanda, right now you’re just extra typing for our tired hands…. though that is a most impressive veggie fridge.

Most Awkward Moment in Reality:  Doug Clerget and Emily Maynard’s First (And Final) Kiss – The Bachelorette

Oh man, I don’t remember a more awkward kiss outside of a middle school dance.  Poor Doug finally grew a pair and went in for his long overdue smooch just as Ems was trying to find the right words to kick him to the curb.  It was with that pathetic dismissal that a giant wamp-wamp rose up, echoed through the alleys of Prague and reverberated around the rest of the world.  We were fans of Doug and were sad to see him go, but it is the Bachelorette and at this stage she’s expecting to get to second base, not to just be stepping up to the plate.  However, we do still love Doug and love that he is actually doing some good in this crazy world, so we’re sharing a link to his charity, Dollar Per Month.  It’s a great way to make a little donation go a long way.  Check it out…. after you’re finished reading this post, of course.

• 

  It’s the stripper version of the awkward kiss

  Honorable Mention:  Jamie Otis & Ben Flajnik’s Almost First Kiss- The Bachelor - Jamie Otis’s attempt at a lap dance/kiss with Ben Flapjack only succeeded in making viewers cringe in discomfort.  We all collectively began yelling at our screens for her to “For the love of all things great and small please stop!!”.  Sadly she did not, and we all learned the valuable lesson that a lap dance does not, in fact, save a date.  Oh, if only they would bring back those PSAs and avoid the same embarrassment for other girls across America.

Best Reality Couple:  Heidi Dillon and Pam Martin – Big Rich Texas

 

While not a couple per se, these two ladies are the best duo reality TV had going.  We’re sad they decided their day-to-day lives were more relevant and opted out.  Many nights we waited patiently, but none too quietly, hoping one of the ladies would finally make a surprise appearance, but sadly no.  We’ll try our best to fill the void with champagne, tiaras and sass… We miss you ladies!!

Worst Reality Couple: Slade Smiley & Gretchen Rossi, Real Housewives of Orange County 

We’re sure there are plenty of viable arguments as to why another couple should be winning this award, but this is our blog so we make the final decision.  And this final decision is based on the fact that we just can’t stand Slade.  Period.  His foray into stand-up comedy in lieu of an actual paying job certainly didn’t do much to bolster our opinion either.  Add to the fact that it didn’t really seem like Gretchen was his biggest fan this past season either, we can’t wrap our brains around why these two are still together.  And why we have to, therefore, be subjected to the torture.

Best Facial Overhaul:  Lea Black – Real Housewives of Miami

So, Ms. Black claims no work has been done on her face since a neck tuck years ago and yet came back in Season 2 looking rather “refreshed” since we last saw her.  So, either she’s lying about having work done or she sold her soul for the porcelain skin of a 12-year-old… You be the judge

Most Misdiagnosed Women’s Health Issue:   Kalyn’s Stress UTI – Big Rich Texas

We’re still scratching our heads over how anyone bought Kalyn’s story about getting a UTI from the stress Whitney’s been causing her.  I mean we are talking about Leslie, but still, that was just straight-up nonsense.  Well, I guess when you’re good at shoveling shit…

Worst Cover-up in Housewives History:  Luann De Lesseps – Real Housewives of New York

Unfortunately, we wish we were talking about Kenya’s “Gone With The Wind Fabulous” cover-up or Phaedra’s “Barely There Fishnet Donkey-Booty-Flaunting” would-be cover-up.  Even Nixon’s attempt at a coverup was better than our favorite ex-Countess LuAnn’s “nothing to see over here but a group of Italians” cover up of her little something-something in St. Barths with Tomas, aka: The Poor Man’s Johnny Depp.  Not only was the story ridiculous, but thinking that speaking in French was going to throw off the folks at Bravo really put the nail in your “you’re not really that dumb, are you?” coffin.  I wouldn’t recommend a career as a secret agent.   Maybe it’s best you stick to your awesome one-liners and spare us your attempted subterfuge.

Most Upsetting Behavior By An Octogenarian:  George Teichner (Father of Aviva Drescher), Real Housewives of New York

We haven’t had this many cringe-worthy moments since we met Joe Gorga.  Then we realized George is Joe in 40-ish years.  But seriously, is there anything less attractive than a pervy old man hitting on young girls by waving around his money and his viagra?  Or more cliche for that matter?  We mean if Sonja “I’m So Horny & Lonely That I’ll Take LuAnn’s Sloppy Seconds” Morgan won’t even consider the offer, you’re a special kind of slimy.  Every time this guy was on camera, we were afraid of what would come out of his mouth, including his tongue.  Not to mention the permanent mental scars we now have thanks to Granpappy Perv’s game of “That’s Not A Roll of Quarters In My Pants” that we had to witness.  Ugh, just typing the words makes us queasy.  Let’s just hope Aviva is smart enough to keep George and his little blue pills tucked far away next season.

Worst Retool Of A Show - America’s Next Top Model

Let’s be honest, firing The Jays and Nigel wasn’t going to please many longtime fans of the show, but The CW was more interested in bringing back the hordes of fans that had gotten tired of Tyra’s many personalities and lame tie-ins to her Modelland book.  And while we won’t say that Rob, Kelly & Johnny didn’t do a good job on their own merits, the whole show was so convoluted between the social networking, the girl coming back, the college scholarships and moving it to Friday nights, we spent most of the season trying to figure out what was going on…. or not bothering at all seeing as how it was the lowest rated season in the show’s history.  Look, we just want pretty faces, in pretty clothes, taking pretty pictures.  Leave the user-generated commentary on YouTube – or this blog – where it belongs.  Seriously, all this nonsense is just fuel for Naomi Campbell, whose new modeling show with Nigel Barker should be called “There’s A New Bitch In Charge, Tyra, And Her Name I Naomi.”  But I guess “The Face” fits better on a t-shirt.

Biggest Example Of Why Tragically Hip Just Means Tragic: Chantal Chadwick – Gallery Girls

Here’s the thing, when your raging against the machine becomes as cliche as the actual machine, you might want to change things up.  Gallery Girl’s Chantal Chadwick danced onto our TVs this year as the poster child for what happens when the tragically hip drink far too much of their own Kool-Aid… Oh sorry, they’d never drink that… of their organic wheatgrass shot with a vodka chaser.  She spent the season being more concerned about her pinot noir being French than she did worrying about her electric bill being paid at her place of business, because actual hard work is so not her style.  Being blase, however, is.  It was all we could do to not fly to New York just to shake some sense into her, but then we realized that investing that kind of energy, money & time into her is so not our style.  Being winos, however, is.

Bottom Line:  Well, we could go on and on and on here with the awards, but honestly, we’d rather hear from you.  What award would you give out this year?  Let us know!  We really want to hear your thoughts.  Thanks again for a great 2012.  Please be safe out there and we’ll see you next year!