One Sentence Summary: Another season comes to an end, as do friendships.
Rachel: So, after talking to a few people over the past week about the Kristen v Jax battle for truth, it seems I’m one of the few that thinks Jax is lying about sleeping with Kristen. The main arguments for this being true are that, a) Kristen is gross and would probably sleep with Jax and b) Jax has the texts to prove it. Both are fair points, but I’m still not buying it. Why? Because a) Kristen, yes, is gross, but Jax is so much grosser that I just can’t see her hooking up with him and his supplemented-out body. But I don’t know how anyone sleeps with him… and b) It’s so easy to fake texts nowadays. A cursory Google search brought up more than enough web apps willing to do your dirty work and send texts from either anonymous sources or fake names… like Kristen. Maybe Jax isn’t smart enough to have created fake proof of a relationship, but Stassi is. No part of me would put it past her to have conspired with Jax to create proof so she could, as she likes to say, take down Kristen. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, but they’re all so morally bankrupt that it’s hard to really care about any of it. I just thought I’d share my two cents… Now, let’s end this season already and move on to some other terrible show Bravo has in store for us.
Rachel: Honestly, do we have to go to every one of Stassi’s beauty appointments? It’s ridiculous, but I guess she doesn’t do much of anything else. It’s not like she’s volunteering at a homeless shelter or participating in a book club. So, yeah, more vapid moments with Stassi. Today, she & Katie are going to sweat out some fat before the Sur photo shoot since Stassi doesn’t work out; like literally lie around and just sweat. Oh wait until you hit 30, sweetheart. You’re gonna wish you worked out. But the only thing getting a workout in Stassi’s world today is the part of her tiny brain that is obsessed with making Kristen miserable. She won’t stop until Kristen leaves Sur friendless.
BTW, I want to shake the hand of the person that came up with the idea of charging people $45 to be wrapped up like a baked potato in tin foil and slipped into a hot body bag for an hour so they can sweat away the inches. Genius. I can do the same thing in my bathroom with a role of $5 saran wrap and my shower on hot. Granted, I wouldn’t get my glass of reverse osmosis water and selection of Ted Talk videos if I did that, which makes the extra $40 so worth it. Not. Go to the gym, you twits.
Kristen & Tom are having beers with a side of tension. He tells her that Jax showed him his phone and the text messages. She says that she also showed him her phone with no text messages. He thinks she could have deleted them. She swears she didn’t. Since Tom can’t figure out how to make a fake text, then it must mean Jax’s texts are real. Google, Tom. Google. The search results come up with about 41MM options. I have a feeling even you can figure one out. But he’s too busy being confused because Kristen is so calm that it’s making her believable. Quite the relationship they have going on. I can’t figure out why they’re even still bothering with each other.
Time for the annual Sur photo shoot, which I still have yet to understand. Who spends thousands of dollars to take photos of their waitstaff? No one. It’s just Bravo finding new ways to put the cast in bathing suits. I guess they think if they keep showing us how hot they all are, we’ll forget that they’re terrible people. Nope. Won’t work. While Stassi gets her hair curled, she tells Scheana that Jax is still texting her about getting back together. He’ll do anything for her. She laughs it off. So, he is not only a sociopath, but also a sucker. Speak of the devil, he
shows up to the annual photo shoot, which is weird because he feels like he just did this last year. Ummm… yeah. When Tom’s done Googling fake texting, why don’t you Google the definition of annual, Jax?
The shoot begins with Lisa surrounded by her hot male servers. Tom rolls in 45 minutes late so he’s not going to be in the shot. She wants to know why he’s late. He doesn’t have much of an answer for her, but tells us that he was up all night because he’s torn up over the Jax/Kristen situation, which I am now officially dubbing Krax-gate. He pulls Stassi aside to find out if she’s the one that sent the messages from Kristen’s phone. Like she’d ever admit it. Now, we have to hear the sex details again. Come on, people. Enough. Stassi can’t understand why Tom hasn’t left Kristen yet. It’s his decision and Stassi doesn’t get to tell him what to do. Besides, he’s more concerned about why Jax gets to hang around still. Stassi says Jax is around but he’s still a piece of shit. Something we can all agree on.
Now, we’re treated to a montage of Jax modeling while he tells us his secrets to success. He’s so unattractive to me that I’m getting a little nauseated over here. Naturally, Tom is called over to model with Jax. You know, in case you didn’t already get that there’s tension with them. Lisa & Guillermo look on and she can’t fathom how Jax doesn’t feel badly about what he did. She thinks he has no moral compass. He doesn’t and that would be why he doesn’t feel badly. She wonders out loud why Tom hasn’t punched Jax yet. Jax says that he doesn’t feel bad because Tom & Kristen’s relationship is bullshit and he wouldn’t have had to step in if Tom was satisfying his woman. OMG, I want to punch him in his face!
The shoot is wrapping and Scheana thanks Lisa for allowing her to have her engagement party at Sur. She is excited but conflicted because she wants Tom to come, but not Kristen. Lisa says it’s a social event so Scheana can’t do that. She also tells Stassi that she has to apologize to Kristen for slapping her. But Stassi is proud of her assault. Lisa then goes to Tom to push her nose further into her staff’s business. LISA, enough! You’re becoming just as bad as the rest of them. Lisa thinks Tom should worry about the woman he’s in bed with every night more than the guy that allegedly banged her. True, but I’m over your meddling, Lisa, and you know you’re my fave.
Tom’s back home with Kristen recapping his day. I guess Lisa & Stassi got into his
head because he’s now demanding that Kristen admit to the text messages. Can you two just break up please???? You don’t trust each other. You don’t actually like each other. And from what it sounds like, you don’t even have sex with each other, so what’s the point? She denies it. He wants her to admit it so they can move on from it. He knows she’s lying because this is how she acted when she did this before. Before??? This happened before? Lord, the two of them sleep with other people more than they sleep with each other. She thinks they should break up then if he doesn’t believe her. Neither is conceding, so they each go to their respective corners to calm down; Kristen with a smoke and Tom with his flat iron. Ah, the calming effects of straight hair.
The party has started to celebrate Scheana & Shay’s engagement. Can someone please tell me why Ariana showed up in an outfit straight from the Let’s Get Physical video? Lisa pulls Stassi aside and reminds her that she must apologize to Kristen for the slap. Stassi agrees with her usual insolence.
But the drama has to be put on hold for a few minutes so we can enjoy the debut of Scheana’s new single, “Good As Gold”. Really, Scheana? And here’s a helpful hint: if you can’t rock booty shorts without wearing nude stockings, don’t wear them. You’re trying to be a pop star, not a waitress at Hooters. It’s not a good look. The song’s catchy enough but she should have followed in the footsteps of Beyonce and Ashlee Simpson and lip synched.
Now that that circus is over, Tom & Kristen can make their entrance. Scheana doesn’t want Kristen there, but since she brought a present, she can stay. Stassi wastes no time following Lisa’s orders and asks Tom & Kristen to come outside. They sit down and Kristen starts crying immediately. She can’t look Stassi in the eye because she… wait for it… did have sex with Jax. One time.
Man, I haaaaaaate being wrong. And more than that, I hate being wrong for defending that skank ass bitch. You HAVE to be kidding me that we have spent the entire season listening to her histrionics and watching her be a total twat to to Tom over his cheating, when she’s just as bad? Wait, no. She’s worse. Sleeping with Jax is way way worse because he’s DISGUSTING and her boyfriend’s best
friend. Oh I’m so pissed. Pissed! I’m also slightly amused at how Stassi is so shocked that she can’t even speak. Oh wait, here she goes on a rant. Looks like we’re going to end another season of this show with a self-righteous Stassi being vindicated for all her bad behavior because she’s just a victim in all of this. Come on writers, give us something new. Meanwhile, Tom is, unbelievably, coming to Kristen’s defense. He says he knew Kristen couldn’t face it alone. I see she hasn’t given you your balls back. I think I couldn’t really believe Krax-gate was true because the thought of sleeping with my best friend’s significant other is beyond my comprehension. She is my sister for all intents and purposes and to betray her trust is something I would never do in general, let alone on such a sick level. You don’t come back from that. Ever.
Stassi goes back inside after Tom starts inexplicably yelling at her and tells everyone the news. There are a lot of jaws on the ground. As everyone tries to process the news, Tom pulls Jax aside. He wants to like know like how Jax like could like do this to like him. Take a breath, Tom. He has been such a good friend to Jax. How can he feel zero remorse? Sociopaths don’t feel remorse. Jax can’t answer the question because it doesn’t bother him. He sleeps well at night. He has zero, I mean ZERO guilt or regret. What a sick sick person.
Meanwhile, inside, Lisa finds Kristen alone and crying. Kristen admits she lied. Lisa isn’t concerned about that. She is concerned about the giant mess Kristen created and how it affects the dynamic in the restaurant. Oh, now you’re concerned? Kristen thinks she can still work there. Lisa thinks she’s wrong and suggests doing her a favor by quitting.
Tom is back inside talking to Schwartz. Schwartz thinks Tom needs to be honest about what Kristen did to him. She let him make an ass of himself and be confronted with the news in a group setting. He gets what Jax did is wrong, but finds it crazy that Tom isn’t at all mad at Kristen. Um, yeah. It’s bizarre.
Lisa next inserts herself into the conversation with all the girls. Wonder what they’re talking about… She would like it to stop and for the attention to go back to Scheana’s engagement. Ha, impossible. As they go to toast the happy couple, Tom & Kristen join the group, with an attitude, and pretty much ruin what would have been, at best, a temporary reprieve from the drama. Scheana says that was awkward and I’m pretty sure that’s the understatement of the year.
Lisa tries to break up the party but everyone is still in too much shock to pick their jaws up off the ground and leave. But it’s the next jaw to hit the ground that is the most shocking as Jax receives a punch to the face from Tom. And by punch,
I mean is attacked. Tom goes full ham on Jax while girls in tight dresses scatter like cockroaches in the light. While Jax wipes the blood from his face and laughs, Scheana cries to Lisa about her teeth just having been fixed. No one cares about you right now, Scheana. You’re fine. Lisa is surprised by Tom. She doesn’t condone the violence but fully understands it. Right there with you. She tends to Jax and tells him that maybe now he’ll be more particular about where he sticks his dick. Doubtful. She also tells him that he deserved it. Amen, sister.
I think my favorite part about tonight is that we close with Stassi saying she’s a good person and wonders when the good people will rise to the top. I think she’ll be surprised to find out that when they do, she won’t be on the elevator.
Rachel: This is going to be one helluva a reunion. Bring it!