One Sentence Summary – Mike and Reza butt heads at Asa’s Diamond Water Launch Party.
Rachel: Wow, I almost forgot this show was on. It’s been so long since there’s been an episode. I think I remember what was going on last we met, but even if I didn’t, the previews for tonight have been playing non-stop so it’s not like I don’t know what’s coming. It’s time for the Reza v Mike showdown and it looks to be a doozy. I think Mike may have spent too much time with his “baller” friends and has mistaken himself for one. Shall we watch the sparks fly?
Rachel: MJ takes Reza with her to a Mac service store to see if they can recover some sex videos she made of herself. She can’t find them and she likes to reminisce every now and again. My brain is about to explode at the thought. Now that she’s older, she is becoming more open with her sexuality. Persian morals be damned! This is the new and improved MJ. Weird, seems like the same old MJ to me. But do go on, dear. She would like to ensure that the gentleman doing the recovery doesn’t make a copy for himself. Something tells me you don’t have to worry about that. Call it a hunch. The kind young man does his magic and returns with MJ’s computer, a smile and folder full of homemade porn. Viva la rescue!
I Wish I Were A Baller
Mike is moving forward with his big living – without Reza – so he stops by to see his Big Ballers, Jonathan & Tony, who, for the record, are wearing sunglasses inside. Then again, Baller Assistant #2 is wearing a sunhat indoors so maybe they’re piping in sunshine and I just don’t know it. Rich people do weird things. Mike asks about the girls in Arabic and he is told they’re there for “pure ass”. Classy. By the way, this office is actually whiter than Mike’s teeth. Now, I get the need for sunglasses. After being shown around the very bare but very white office, they tell Mike that they would like him to work for them. Mike says this would be the start to him being the richest of all his friends. You know, because that’s what life’s all about.
Not In The Crayola Box
Asa is planning her Diamond Water launch party. Needless to say, she wants a lot of gold, but her party planner doesn’t have the right shade of gold, so she keeps trying to pass off silver as gold by calling it “gilber”, which is a gold and silver hybrid. OK, I just had to hit pause and laugh at that. Gilber? Really? I just Googled that and I got nothing. If Google doesn’t know what you’re talking about, no one does. I also find it funny that she thinks Asa is going to buy that story. Sister’s no dummy. Asa would also like an ice sculpture of the Diamond Water bottle. Planner lady says they’re messy. Well, then just dip it in gilber.
Asa says she’s also working on a big family reunion this summer in Turkey. It’s the closest she can get to Iran. She can’t go back because her family left as refugees, which makes them targets for potentially getting arrested. From the other side, Turkey is the easiest place for her family in Iran to get visas. Well, Turkey is pretty amazing, but it’s sad that they cannot ever go home even to visit.
Movin’ On Down
MJ is helping Leila find a new place to live now that her house has been leased. MJ shows her a really nice space, but Leila hates it. It’s too small, especially the closet. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you had to leave your house because you couldn’t afford to stay in it after your divorce. So, did it not occur to you that you would have to therefore downsize? Or did you think another house, the exact size of your original house but at half the rent, would magically appear? Right.
So now that this house is not an option, it’s time for MJ to tell Leila that she hates her sister. Nice. Leila says this puts her in a bad place and would really rather just focus on finding a new home. MJ says she’ll find a place over her budget and negotiate them down. We shall see.
Jessica is making Shabbat dinner for Mike’s family and freaking out. Yeah, that’s a big deal. I can’t imagine one of my boyfriends trying to make my grandmother’s brisket and great-grandmother’s kugel. I would love to see it, but that’s serious pressure. I need to learn how to make Tadig because that looks crazy delicious. Mike’s father thinks of Jessica as a daughter. It’s a very nice family moment. While Jessica pours tea, Mike tells his parents that he went ring shopping and it was very expensive. But he wants a huge ring so he can blind all the haters. His mom thinks that’s a bad reason to buy a ring. Thank you, mom! I guess she hasn’t heard yet that her son is a baller.
GG wasted no time in moving on from Sean to Shayan, whom I believe is the guy she was smooching at Lilly’s party. Yep, she just confirmed it. He was one of the contenders she had waiting in the wings and his number has finally been called. How lucky for him. Wow, she’s wearing a lot of make-up. He’s not interested in settling down until he’s 33 or 34. Is that a long time from now? I guess so as this is not good news for GG, who is being way overdramatic on this date. Tone it down, sister. Also tone down the baby/marriage desperation. It’s a very stinky cologne that very few men like to sniff.
Diamonds And Drama
It’s the night of Asa’s Diamond Water launch party and she looks gorgeous. I know I poke fun at $4 bottles of water – and I do think it’s ridiculous – but it’s pretty amazing that she was able to make this dream a reality. So, I give her big props for that.
Oh yeah, Lilly. She’s going to the party and plans to avoid MJ all night. Reza is also on his way, but is nervous to see Mike. Then of course we have GG and MJ at each others throats. And MJ is showing up with Leila, which ought to set GG off. That’s a lot of potential drama. Poor Asa. This isn’t going to end well.
GG spies Leila walking in with MJ and isn’t trying to listen to her sister make nice nice to her. Leila says she’s being a bitch. She calls Leila shady, but so as to not be rude, she introduces Shayan to her before peace-ing out. Yeah, I think that was more of a “check the hotness” move, but I can’t blame her for that. Everyone likes some tasty arm candy now and again. Next, GG glides up to MJ at the bar to say hello. She also makes sure to introduce Shayan. MJ starts giving him the third degree so GG walks away. Guess MJ wasn’t that jealous of your boy toy. Meanwhile, GG’s going to run out of places to go soon.
And here comes Mike… who I think has already been drinking. Yeah, he’s wasted and his girlfriend is trying to pull the drink of his hand. He might be on more than alcohol… allegedly, maybe, not saying for sure, don’t sue me. He decides his next move should be to call Reza his bitch from across the room. Dude, no. The roid rage is not a good look. Not that I’m saying he’s on steroids… allegedly, maybe, not saying for sure, don’t sue me. I feel badly for Jessica. And Asa too since her party is about to get drama.
First up, GG. She wants to talk to MJ. No cursing or insulting. Yeah, right. That should last 30 seconds as I’m pretty sure GG isn’t channeling her inner tai chi tonight. GG would like to know why MJ was so rude to Shayan. MJ pretends she was just being inquisitive. GG ain’t buying it.
Meanwhile, MJ’s exit gives Reza nothing to do since she is with GG and Asa is mingling. So he walks over to Mike and asks him if he’s lost his mind and his manners. You know, the Persian manners Reza lives by, like when he was at Nur. Those manners. And they must be the same manners that make Reza thinks it’s a good idea to take the DJ mic and call out Mike for wearing bad shoes in front of all of Asa’s business associates. Yes, very classy. How proud your family must be at home watching this right now.
The move is actually so shocking that GG and MJ stop their own conversation to go see what is happening. Rendering either one of them speechless takes a lot. Rendering both of them speechless is big. Mike says it’s Reza’s low self-esteem making him clown people. MJ actually asks Reza what he was doing, which means it’s pretty bad if MJ isn’t immediately high-fiving him.
Realizing the dick move he made, Reza takes Mike aside to talk. I hope he has dental insurance because Mike may throw some blows. Mike wants to know what he did that was so wrong. And BTW, Reza better not mess with him. He’s not MJ. She’s a weak bitch. All this while he grits his teeth and stick out his chin. I think he’s going to start quoting De Niro’s lines from Goodfellas soon. “What’s the fuckin’ matter with you? You fuckin’ stupid or what?” Reza laughs because he knows Mike isn’t interested in talking. He’s there to school him. So, they go back and forth over Sasha and their real estate partnership. Both feel wronged. Both feel betrayed. Both are angry. Reza has had enough and walks away as f-bombs are tossed at each others feet. Well, that went well.
They both go back to their respective parties – MJ & GG are hanging out peacefully BTW – to call the other one delusional. Then Mike short circuits and comes for Reza like a bull let out of a pen. GG stops him and warns him that this is Asa’s party. When GG is your voice of reason, you can be sure you’ve not just stepped over the line, but catapulted yourself over it. Asa tries to buffer the tension and bad vibes by inviting everyone to Turkey. GG is stoked. The rest are too busy being pissy to be thankful.
Jessica thinks it’s time to take Mike home. You think? Too bad she only gets him halfway out before he throws another insult at Reza. Reza can’t help but throw one back which brings Mr. Snarls back to kick some ass. I mean really Mike, you look like an idiot. Reza comes outside and listens to Mike cry about how betrayed he is by his brother (Reza being his brother for those playing at home). Reza is actually scared now – for Mike, not of Mike – because he’s on the verge of snapping. Like Amanda Bynes snapping.
Rachel: Well that was ugly. But at least no one lost any teeth.