One Sentence Summary: The incessant fighting continues because no one has ball-gagged Brandi yet.
Rachel: Catch-up day continues with the RHOBH. I’m dreading this. The fighting this season is out of control and 90% of it can be attributed to Brandi. Can we please be done with her? Please! I’m begging. And I don’t beg. Well… unless there’s wine in play. I know there were a lot of you out there that got a kick out of Brandi’s loose cannon of a mouth and found it entertaining. What say you now? You can’t tell me you still think she’s funny, can you? She’s a fucking nightmare. And you know, I don’t drop the f-bomb as frequently as my PIC so I must be serious. I’m actually at the point where just the sight of her gives me hives. Her deep and meaningful relationship with Botox isn’t helping either. For such a pretty girl, she really is rather ugly. And here I go delving into two hours of her and her idiocy. So, if there’s anyone out there that can justify her behavior so as to not make me want to claw out my eyes, I’m all ears. Seriously, lay it on me.
Quick Recap of Episode 8
Rachel: Yolanda and her veggie fridge are hosting a dinner party, so she heads to a the flower shop to make her own arrangements. Clearly, she can do it better than the professional. You mean there aren’t enough flowers in her backyard? But she’s a Dutch girl so flowers are her thing. Meanwhile, Joyce and her hubby get sushi & she tells him how rude the girls were in Palm Springs. And by girls, she means Brandi… who is searching her hood for her dog. The whole crew shows up… minus Joyce and Carlton. Guess the kiss wasn’t that good. Brandi told her kids that her assistant, whom she fired, lost their dog. What a bitch. Whoever broke into your house, lost your dog. Turns out, Carlton can’t make it to the dog hunt because she’s busy setting up her play room. Yes, that kind of play room. It will be filled with toys, including a ball-gag. And in other dog news, Kim has gotten Kingsley somewhat trained, and yet he’s still in a muzzle. That seems mean. But training isn’t over and David comes to take him for some away time so he can socialize with other dogs. Kim cries. Kingsley does too… for joy. It’s time for Yolanda’s dinner party and Kyle and Brandi head there together. Huh? Oh I see, Brandi wants to bitch about Yolanda & Lisa mothering her, so she goes to Kyle’s ever-eager ear. Kyle, so excited to be in the nook, invites Brandi to model at her charity event. Yolanda’s party starts with her griping about Carlton canceling and Brandi thinking Joyce is cold to her because she’s jealous. Now, that’s funny. At dinner, Kyle realizes that some place cards have hearts by their name and some do not. Hers does not, nor does Kim or Joyce. So so childish. Yolanda plays it off like it was unconscious. Bullshit. Lisa & Ken see Brandi starting to careen downhill and suggest more water than wine. She sees this as a sign to keep drinking. David wants Joyce to make a toast in Spanish. Brandi doesn’t and makes it known. Then she goes after Joyce via her husband. Bad idea. BTW – I want Grand Marnier injected strawberries. Thankfully, David steps in before things get ugly and brings out the entertainment for the night: The Canadian Tenors. Whoa, those Tenors lulled me right into a coma and I didn’t even realize the night was ending. Joyce and her husband had a great time except for drunken Brandi. We all had a great time except for drunken Brandi, but it seems to be the theme of this season.
Rachel: Carlton goes with her husband and mother-in-law to the Hustler store in Hollywood. Really? Come on, no one needs to share this with their parents, but Carlton insists that it’s a perfectly normal and healthy relationship. I suppose it is better than fighting with your mother-in-law all the time. Next up, trying on bathing suits and lap dancing for mom. Well, more on mom than for her. Can we be done with this? Oh good, we can.
The Zits Have It
Yolanda is in a state of crisis. It’s her anniversary and, gasp!, she has zits on her face! Wait, perfect Yolanda in her perfect house in a perfect marriage gets zits???? Is it bad that that makes me happy? Brandi calls and tells her that putting Visine on her zits will help take the red out. Yolanda dubs her the Queen of Skin Hiding… I think it’s more like Queen of The Tox, but tomato, to-mah-toe.
Lord, now we’re in the garden with Lisa & Ken. If they’re trying to bore me to tears tonight, they’re off to a good start. Lisa tells Ken that she thinks Brandi is in a bad place and the dog being gone is part of it. She also thinks her nagging isn’t very helpful and Brandi probably resents her for it. Very astute, Lisa. Ken thinks Brandi needs a man to take care of her. Good luck finding someone to sign up for that mess. In the meantime, Lisa will host a dinner in the garden at Sur, which somehow is going to make it better between Joyce & Brandi. Apparently, inviting Mohammed and Martin, who have history with Joyce, will help. I have zero idea how, but hey, I gave up trying to follow these ladies’ logic long ago. That’ll just make you crazy, and I’m crazy enough on my own. No need for help in that area.
Crazy Is As Crazy Does
More Kim and her dog. Bored. To. Tears. She received a video of Kingsley in his training group, which Kim is so excited to see because he’s so happy. Her son tries to explain to his mother that her dog is actually a dog and not a baby. Kim isn’t trying to hear this. Yeah, because Kim is banana cakes crazy. She even gives the dog a pacifier. Bravo is trying to kill me tonight. Seriously. And we’re only 15 minutes in. How is that possible?
Yolanda meets David at Nobu for their anniversary. Yum. Nobu. Yum. He comes with a love letter for Yolanda. A love letter that she trained him to want to write for her. She needs to teach a class. For real. The last time someone wrote me a love letter was the 80’s. Maybe early 90’s. Like 1990. It’s a lost art that men should consider resurrecting. Yes, why don’t we replace the new art of break-up emails with love letters? Sounds like a smashing idea to me. Yolanda has a gift for David as well. She made him a picture book of sexy photos of her. I love that they give each other personal gifts instead of trying to out-gauche everyone with cars and jewels. I’m looking right at you, Kimye.
Eat A Cookie
Kyle is at her store dressing her “models’ for the charity event. Her models being her daughters, Brandi, Joyce and Ivette, the current Queen of The Universe as dubbed her by Joyce. That still makes me laugh. Queen of the Universe. Um, yeah. Go with that. Brandi shows up with her sidekick Jenn who asks Joyce if she speaks Spanish, which starts the two of them chatting en español. This annoys Brandi who thinks Joyce is doing it to piss her off. Um, your BFF started it, asshole. Calm down. As you love to say to Joyce, not everything is about you.
Kyle dresses the girls, but everything is too big on Joyce & Brandi. Seriously girls, eat a cookie. When a zero is hanging on you, you’re officially too skinny. That’s just real truth. Joyce says you can never be too skinny. Um, you can and you are.
Since her dog isn’t at home, Kim thinks it’s OK to leave her house. Holy obsessed, lady! She’s going to get some of her aggression out on the racetrack. Off she goes – in the passenger seat – which gives her the rush she needs to be the Alpha Kim that Kingsley’s trainer says she needs to be. Oh, I hate myself for even including this entire scene in the write-up. Look, we all know Kim is on the show because you need Kyle on the show. So, please stop force-feeding us a storyline. We don’t need it. We don’t.
Chips, Whips, Chains, Dips
And we get to hear more about Carlton and her husband’s sex life as her play room comes together. Yes yes, we get it. You are a wild and imaginative woman in the bedroom… and beyond. We don’t need to actually hear the details of what that means. Seriously, Bravo, how dumb do you think your audience is that we need to know the intimate details of Carlton’s sex life to get what the play room is for? Don’t answer. Let me just say that those of us that can follow along without a bouncing ball, will do just that. Those that need to have the information spoon fed to them can go watch Honey Boo Boo. Yeah, I said it. Am I wrong?
Time for dinner at Sur. Lisa is hoping to repair her relationship with Joyce so they can move forward. If Martin and Mohammed like her, maybe the ladies can find common ground as well. See, this is what being a grown up is about. With that, Brandi shows up – AKA the opposite of a grown up. Lisa asks her to try and not offend Joyce for one night. Good luck, seeing as how Brandi’s in a “dark and depressed” mood. God help us.
Joyce is a half an hour late which is not helpful for the whole Brandi-leave-it-alone thing. And with that, she starts talking shit about Joyce to Martin. The irony is that Brandi’s issue with Joyce is that she has to be the center of attention all the time. Um no, honey, that’s you. You’re just mad that someone is taking up space on your stage. None of the other ladies held the thin, pretty model spotlight before Joyce, and now you have to share. Poor Brandi, why don’t you stomp around and act like a brat about it? Oh wait, you do.
Joyce finally shows up and full-on snubs Brandi. Ha ha. I’m starting to like this one. Brandi is irate that Joyce would do that. She’s also pissed that Joyce said she was only there because Mohammed was there. Brandi wonders why she bothered to show up then. You didn’t even know Joyce was coming 30 minutes ago so just stop it. No one buys your righteous indignation. And did you really think you’d be met with open arms after your behavior? You insulted her, her husband, her heritage, her name, her children… You’re lucky she didn’t spit on you on her way past you.
Dinner starts and Joyce & Michael definitely are on the defensive. I don’t necessarily blame them since they’ve been deflecting bullshit since meeting this crew. However, saying these ladies are not the easiest of groups – true or not – is not going to help smooth things over in the hopes of starting fresh. Yolanda wants to know exactly what they mean by that. Michael grins and waves her off. Mohammed steps up for Lisa saying she’s the nicest woman you could know. Joyce says she hopes to find out for herself.
Michael makes it clear, to the room at large, that if you have a problem with his wife, you have a problem with him. Brandi takes that as her signal to start swinging. First punch is that their mutual friends don’t speak highly of Joyce. Joyce says the same of Brandi. And we’re off to the races. Joyce is stupid. Brandi’s a racist. Lisa defends Brandi… no, Lisa, no. Lisa can understand Brandi saying “Go fuck yourself” when Michael says that she lives on Planet Trash. Well, you can understand Joyce being pissed when Brandi talks shit too then, right? I swear these people need to stop enabling Brandi’s behavior. But it seems, from the previews, that it’s going to bite Lisa in the ass soon enough and she’ll learn her lesson the hard way. Yolanda tries to step in and calm everyone down by saying this is all petty. It almost works, but Michael doesn’t want to hear her talk about petty when she is the one with the Dream Team heart place cards at dinner. Touche. Point to Michael. However, since no one wants to back down, the battle keeps going around and around with the biggest losers being us watching at home. Oh goodie, we get more next week.
Rachel: Have I mentioned that I can’t stand Brandi? Cause I can’t.