One Sentence Summary: There’s trouble brewing in the desert as the Housewives head to Palm Springs for Joyce’s weekend.
Rachel: Is it just me or are these women the craziest they’ve ever been? And I don’t mean Taylor drunk and forgetting her kid crazy. I mean totally bitchy and at each others throats crazy. It’s like being a teenager’s slumber party where all the girls are fighting over who gets to marry Justin Bieber. It’s all hot air about something that isn’t even relevant. I just want to drop into one of their crazy dinners and tell them to please put a cork in it. You know, like only a Winey Bitch can. Not that I think it will do any good, but I’d like to try. And as we head out to Palm Springs, on Joyce’s dime, I don’t expect it to get any better. Sigh…
It Takes Two
Rachel: It’s time for bubbles and celebrations as Brandi has been given a second book deal. WTF?!?! How does she have two books and I have zero books? Well, besides her having been part of a national scandal and being on TV… I’m sure my story is just as exciting. Or not. Anyway, she is now writing a sex advice book and we get to listen to her and her friends talk about nipple twisting and the two-finger trick. Now, I’m woman enough to admit that I didn’t know to what she was referring so I looked it up. At first I thought it was maybe the shocker, but that’s a three-finger trick. So, Google it is. Now I’m not positive, but if I can take the aggregate of the “two finger trick” search results – some of which has scarred me for life – it seems it’s a surefire way to hit the g-spot with a “come here” movement of the two fingers that are inside your lady. There you have it. You’re welcome.
And this concludes the sex eduction portion of tonight’s events. PS – I read a bunch of other blogs that didn’t bother exploring this subject. See, the Two Winey Bitches never let you down.
Anyway, where were we? Yes, a book about sex written by Brandi Glanville. Wait wait wait, did she really just say to ask to be choked if you want a man to finish? Has she never heard of Michael Hutchence? That shit’s dangerous. But I’d like to move on from this subject. As a woman who finds herself suddenly single again, this is just depressing me. Who’s up next?
Holy Joyce’s closet! This might put Lisa’s to shame. That’s just cray. But honestly, why do we always have to pack with these bitches? I don’t care what they’re packing. I don’t. I also don’t care that Kim is shopping for luggage. And the more Joyce jumps up and down over dresses, the more I want to whip her with her hair. But hey, thanks for that interlude.
Frenemies Take Two
And in more Palm Springs prep, Carlton and Kyle go shopping. Say what? How did this duo happen? You can see the regret creeping over Carlton’s face as the overzealous shop employee takes to kissing Kyle’s tiny cute ass. It’s hard to figure out how she actually knows what Kyle’s ass looks like when her nose is so far up it. Jesus lady, take it down a notch. Don’t worry. She’ll buy something.
Once Kyle removes said salesgirl from her rear, they discuss the evil rooftop lunch of two weeks ago. Kyle is sorry Carlton was caught in the crossfire, but Carlton isn’t that moved since Kyle was one of the people firing off shots. And since they’re on the subject of uncomfortable moments, Carlton has a few bones to pick with Kyle. She felt she was put on the spot with Kyle’s witch comment at her house and was insulted by Kyle interrupting her at her luncheon. Kyle is stunned because she has no issues with Carlton. Yeah, it’s not tit for tat here. Just because you’re cool, doesn’t mean Carlton is. But wait, we’re not done yet. There’s one more thing, Lisa’s nipple. Carlton thinks that comment at the Chamber party wasn’t cool. Kyle feels like Carlton is just looking for things to be annoyed by just to be annoyed, AKA – looking for tits on an ant, as she calls it. That’s probably true, but you don’t make it hard on her. Kyle is glad Carlton told her these things. I’m waiting for Kyle so apologize… waiting… waiting… Not happening. Typical.
Time to head to Palm Springs and we enter into the requisite group ride out portion of events. Team Richards – Kim, Kyle, & Joyce – head out with Kim’s juicer in tow. Who brings a juicer on vacation? Oh right, Kim. Yolanda & Brandi head out in their own car with Lisa & Carlton in another car.
OK, I’m being serious now. I can’t take an entire season of Joyce jumping and dancing and cha-cha-ing all over the place every time she feels an emotion. The pageant queen schtick is getting old. If it goes on much longer, I’m going to find her where she sleeps and shave her head. We’ll see how excited she is then.
They pull up to the rental and it’s a stunner. Man, I miss renting houses in Palm Springs for the weekend. Granted this place was never on my list, but it’s such a great getaway. California dreaming on such a winter’s day… Team Richards shows up first and lays claim to their rooms. Are we really going to go through yet another round of crying over rooms? Please say no. Joyce won’t sleep under the rock in the master bedroom so Kyle goes downstairs. Lisa and Carlton are next with Yolanda & Brandi bringing up the rear. They all get to stay in the bungalow. I don’t know why they’re upset. It’s going to be a gift to be out of that house. But Yolanda is more concerned with her sheets not being ironed. Yeah, you need to get over that.
What A Dip
Whose idea was it to put Kyle in a Jeep commercial? Did you all see that? I mean golf clap on the integrated media, but Kyle? That’s who you chose?
It’s pool time and they all are wearing high heels to the pool. I will never understand this especially when you’re coming from your room to the pool AT YOUR HOUSE. So ridiculous. I love that Yolanda breaks from the pomposity and has on jean shorts and sandals. That’s what you wear around the house.
Just when the relaxation starts to set in, it begins… Brandi calls Joyce “Jacqueline”. She says has a mental block on her name, but still would like some drinks. She’ll take them from either Joyce or Jacqueline. She’s not picky.
After the drinks are delivered, it’s bikini time and tattoo sharing. Carlton has a tattoo on her upper arm that is a cross with “fuck you” in it. It’s for everyone who’s ever given her the evil eye. So, yeah, there’s that. She also has a pentagram on her foot. No one knows what that is – God, they’re so Beverly Hills – so Carlton tells them it’s a symbol of Wicca which is about respecting Mother Nature. Everyone seems enthralled. Kim seems confused, but this is nothing new. Carlton says she believes in the goddess more than God and knows women could rule the world if they got out of each others way. Joyce tells us that that’s silliness and her God is far more powerful than Carlton’s. And it’s official. Mark the date and time. I completely dislike Joyce. I think the most arrogant thing is the world is to demean someone’s faith as inferior to your own. I actually want to punch her right now.
Apparently, the attention has been away from Brandi for too long so she decides to tell everyone that she & Carlton kissed the other day. From Carlton’s reaction, that wasn’t really for public consumption. Well, welcome to Brandi. Everything she does is for public consumption. After no one is titillated by her announcement, she plays it off like it was just a lingering lip kiss. Guess you have to find something else to everyone riled up.
Dear Lord, now the girls are giving Joyce a hard time about getting in the pool. She refuses and Kyle accuses them of peer pressure. Carlton chastises Kyle and says it’s not peer pressure. Tits on an ant, thinks Kyle. Kindergarten antics, thinks Rachel. And then it happens. Brandi says something so unbelievably stupid, it brings the party to a screeching halt. Joyce admits that she can’t swim and Brandi says it’s because she’s a black person. Oh, no she did not. OK, I would love the Brandi defenders out there to tell me this is just Brandi being Brandi. Go ahead. I’m listening. To add insult to injury, Joyce says she actually is black because Puerto Ricans are black, Greek and Spanish. She’s proud to represent all three. Oh Brandi, you’re such a dipshit. Please get some therapy about this incessant need to for negative attention. It’s really unattractive.
On The Menu: Big Fat Pig
Time for dinner at the house. Drunken Brandi arrives and goes right back into the Jacqueline routine. Joyce just isn’t a Latin name to her. Well, Joyce was bullied as a kid about her name and doesn’t appreciate it. Look, I’m not going to defend this as a bullying thing because that’s a bit much, but for the love of all things great and small, call the woman by her name. And now all the girls start sniping at each other about everything from bullying to listening to interrupting. Everyone has a point that has to be made over everyone else’s. So stupid.
Things calm down until Brandi does it again. She drops another Jacqueline on the table, but this time Joyce dismisses her and proceeds to let everyone know that she did a show called Siberia, which she hopes everyone will watch. Literally no one responds, which is just hideous behavior. You may not like her – I don’t like her – but you’re a guest of hers via an invitation you accepted. Be gracious. Come on, Yolanda, aren’t you Miss Manners? You can still congratulate Joyce while you help Brandi take out her weave. You’d be having a fit if this happened when your husband announced one of his projects. Mean girls. Total snooty mean girls.
And next up on the Brandi Shit Show, she tells everyone that the name Joyce sounds like a big, fat pig. Facepalm. She’s so out of line. So so out of line. And since we’re all already uncomfortable, Kyle irritates the table further by shaking her head at the girls. Yolanda wants to know why and Kyle says they need to speak at another time, not at the table in front of everyone. So you were shaking your head at Yolanda about shit that happened last year? Doubtful. Kyle, who is now talking about it in front of everyone, suggests that they just agree to disagree at this point. Joyce lets us know that Yolanda, as an “older woman”, should accept. Oh Joyce, please stop talking. You’re making it so much harder on yourself. Yolanda says trust and respect were lost. Kyle agrees. Yolanda starts speaking and Kyle interrupts which pisses off Yolanda and here we go again. Everyone is snapping at each other about whose business is whose. These women are insane. Totally insane. So let’s just close the evening with Brandi calling Kyle a crazy asshole. Sigh. You’re all crazy assholes. Let’s just be clear about that.
Rachel: Why is Kim still on the show?