Real Housewives of Miami – Season 3 Episode 7: La La Land

One Sentence Summary:  The battle of the bridesmaids heads to the west coast this week.

My Thoughts: 

Does it look like I'm joking? These crazy eyes are the real deal.

Does it look like I’m joking? These crazy eyes are the real deal.

Rachel:  So, here we are at the seventh episode in the season and not a damn thing has happened other than Lea & Adriana fighting about their “alleged” secret marriages.  I’m thinking that if these women have nothing more interesting to offer then they probably shouldn’t have their own show.  I’m just thinking there must be more interesting people in Miami.  OK, maybe not.  But seriously, this might be the most tedious Housewife season ever.  Marysol has no storyline, even for a recurring character. Lisa barely has a storyline. Alexia has her son – and while I feel terrible about what happened to him – it’s not really a storyline. Dear Lord, please shake some shit up before I lose all patience with this show. I really cannot take 10+ more episodes of Adriana bitching about people stabbing her in her glass house.  It’s Draconian really.

Fly Away

Lisa proves she does have some talent.

Lisa proves she does have some talent.

Rachel:  Lea, Joanna & Lisa head to LA for some wedding planning. Wait, Lea lives in LA in the summer?  Apparently she has a scaled-down house there. Scaled down, by the way, means no staff.  However does she survive? Lisa needs some muscle relaxers for the long flight to LA. You’re not going to Hong Kong. A direct flight to LA is like 5 hours.  And I’m also not sure what’s up with the sleeping and eye masks.  It’s not an overnight flight.  There are no such things as red-eyes to the west coast.  But it’s not like it’s the brain trust traveling today so we’ll just pretend this all makes sense.   

Ignore Ignore Ignore

Alexia stops by the Venue cover shoot wearing a pair of pants that are so far up her ass I’m surprised we don’t see leopard when she opens her mouth. Her son, Peter, is there doing the behind-the-scenes shoot. Alexia has him working for her to help give him structure, which she hopes will help him be less destructive. She says that the only way she was able to deal with Frankie’s recovery was by blocking out everything else in her life.  She feels like she’s doing the same thing with her relationship with Peter.  And we know how well that’s working out.

Home Sweet Home

Lisa's luggage weighs more than she does.

Lisa’s luggage weighs more than she does and probably eats more too.

The girls roll up to Joanna’s house in LA.  Uh, quite a pad.  I guess Lea won’t be smarting off about money pits today. No, apparently this week’s snobbery is about location. Lea has a smaller house but it’s on the better side of the hill. Bitch, shut up.  I promise you that Joanna’s LA life is far more fabulous than yours.

They’re greeted by Joanna’s mother and a menagerie of dogs. Also there is Gabriella, Joanna’s partner in their rescue business. With that, Lea heads off to her house on the other side of the hills, but of course, she wants the girls to know that she is ready to go out any time they call.  Any time. But call. Afraid you’re going to miss out on something?

Taxi Driver

Ma'am, please remove your pants from your ass.

Ma’am, please remove your pants from your ass.

Alexia & Peter are at the cover shoot.  Alexia is concerned that her son is trying to emulate his father; the one in jail for 20 years on drug charges. Yeah, that’s a problem. So she compensates for her guilt by buying him things. In the words of Dr. Phil, how’s that working out for you?

As the shoot is happening on Ocean Drive, needless to say there are people slowing down to see what’s happening. And not everyone is thrilled for the extra traffic on the already congested street. One of the disgruntled is a taxi driver that makes his disdain known by flipping off the cameras. Having been on more than a few commercial shoots, this is normal. You get used to pissing people off because you caused them 5 extra minutes on their commute. Shit happens and you let it go. Well, you let it go if you’re not Peter who chases down the taxi and does something to the car. We don’t see it, but we hear the thud. Now the already pissed off taxi driver is out of his car & calling the police.

Peter says he kicked the guy’s taxi for flipping them off. That seems reasonable… or not. And of course he’s spouting off like a petulant child who thinks he sounds tough. Alexia is trying to get him to calm down and says in her interview that she needs him to realize that he can get himself into trouble in a split-second. Yeah, how about buying him some anger management classes instead of more bling? Just a thought. Oh, and maybe don’t go over and shout at the taxi driver like you just told your son not to do? Then she tells the cop that Peter didn’t do anything to the cab, and in the same breath tells us that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Um… But the cop thinks the whole thing is dumb and tells them all to move along. Thank you.

Least Sexy Sex Talk Ever

Why are we talking about sex with someone's mom?

Why are we talking about sex with someone’s mom?

Lisa, Joanna and mom have some wine and girl talk about finding mom a man. Joanna thinks she needs sex. Mom doesn’t like this line of conversation. I’m thinking we could have skipped this entire scene.

Venue vs Venue

Keep pouring the wine. We're all gonna need it.

Keep pouring the wine. We’re all gonna need it.

Lisa, Joanna & Lea head to see Joanna’s venue. They have no idea where they’re going and Lisa just wants Starbucks. They finally arrive at The Aviara Hotel which is in San Diego.  Um, did anyone tell Joanna that San Diego is in fact its own city? You’re not actually getting married in LA. Anyway, the brain trust meets with Joanna’s wedding planners to scope out the venue. It’s beautiful. This moment makes Lea cry because Joanna’s living the American dream. You gonna write that into your book?

Oh we were doing so well without Adriana, but here she is at her wedding venue, the Biltmore, with Frederick and Alex. And naturally her wedding planners are waiting for her. Adriana tells her that everyone will be wearing white at the church and then will be required to change into 1920′s attire to attend the reception. Holy high-maintenance. The hotel says they will provide a suite for everyone to change in. Really? Are they going to wait in line or is everyone just going to change in front of strangers? Sounds like a blast. She’s such an asshole.

Back in LA… er San Diego… Joanna asks Lisa if she’s Adriana’s bridesmaid. She says yes but she can be in both. Joanna says that’s not an option. She can only be in one wedding. Adriana has been married for 5 years. This is her first once-in-a-lifetime marriage. Were these women dropped on their heads when they were babies? Who behaves this way? I mean who over the age of 4 behaves this way? Joanna gives her an ultimatum and Lisa isn’t thrilled with it. Certainly doesn’t help matters that Lea twists the Adriana-is-crazy knife a little more. Lisa thinks this is really unfair. Joanna thinks she doesn’t really care. She won’t share bridesmaids with someone that assaulted her. SMH… over and over.

P.I.M.P.

Do you not get how much pimp-osity is happening right here?

Do you not get how much pimp-osity is happening right here?

Alexia tells her mom about Peter’s episode at the Venue shoot.  She’s hoping her mom can talk some sense into him because she cannot. Mom would like to watch her interact with Peter so that she can analyze it a bit before she digs in. So they head outside with Peter and talk about his dad. He didn’t know his dad for the first 6 years of his life. After that, what he knew wasn’t much. Then bloggers from LA called him and told him all kinds of things about his dad that he had never heard. OK, I get that I sit here and prattle on about people I don’t know, but who the hell calls a kid and tells them family secrets? You have to be a special kind of asshole to do that. He wishes his mother would have just told him in the first place. She kept him in a bubble and that was a mistake.

He says he loves that his dad is a pimp and considers himself a little replica of his dad. Yeah, you’re a baller, dude. So when Alexia tells him that he’s just like his father and then calls his dad a piece of shit, she’s essentially calling her son a piece of shit. She recognizes that and apologizes. Kudos to her. Alexia’s mom says it’s better to know the truth because hiding it is worse. Alexia hid it from everyone for so long because she was ashamed. Now that everything is on the table, Alexia’s mom wants to work with Peter on his anger. I’m not sure he agreed, but I don’t think he has a choice.

Birkin Bitches

This is how you buy friends.

The smile of someone that just bought another friend.

Of course we couldn’t leave LA without seeing Lea’s home.  Heaven forbid, she not be able to show-off. Lisa stops by to hang out while Joanna goes to see her wedding dress designer with her mom. Don’t the bridesmaids – well bridesmaid and conditional bridesmaid – get to come? Guess not.

Joanna’s dress is going to be one-of-a-kind and show a little leg and a little boob. It will be shorter in the front and long in the back. Yep, one-of-a-kind… no one remembers the Guns ‘n Roses video for November Rain that spurred a whole generation of mullet wedding dresses. But yes, you’re original.

Back at Lea’s, Lisa is giving a dissertation on Birkin bags and plotting how to get Lea to help her get another one. I really don’t get spending that kind of money on a bag that isn’t all that spectacular looking. Sorry. I said it. And I stand by it. Lea is now telling us that Hermes is now limiting the amount of bags a consumer can have. Seriously? I mean I guess good on them for making these women claw their way into having one of their bags and paying 5 figures for the privilege. I tip my hat… which I got at Target. With that, in walks Maxime, Lea’s friend, designer and Birkin collector. This is Lea’s surprise for Lisa. So wait, he just brought over his bags for her to look at? How is that exciting? Oh sorry, Lisa is going to orgasm so I guess it is. This part of LA I do not miss. At all. The real surprise is that Lea is going to call around town and find a bag for Lisa.

Time for cocktails and dinner at Koi with Joanna’s LA friends. She says her LA friends are so different than her Miami friends in that they’re all super hard workers and accomplished ladies. Yep. The conversation turns to babies and sex. Lisa is sad about babies and Joanna is sad about not having sex. Next sore subject, bridesmaids. This table is batting 1000. Lisa tells the table about the ultimatum. Joanna’s mom says that’s not nice. Listen to your mother. Lisa says people are allowed to have differences of opinions and brings up Joe Francis. Lea likes him. Joanna does not, to say the least. Same thing, right Lea? Lea is not interested in having her friends be involved. Oh, now you’re Switzerland? That’s bullshit. And you can take the condescending attitude and shove it up your ass. Sorry ladies and gents, but I’m pretty over Lea’s sanctimony. So is mom who says that there is no reason Lisa can’t be a bridesmaid in both weddings. Joanna will think about it… which is code for we’ll revisit this when my mother’s not in the room.

Bottom Line

Rachel:  Wait, did I just see a preview for Joanna’s bachelorette party with Adriana there? WTF?

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2 responses to “Real Housewives of Miami – Season 3 Episode 7: La La Land

  1. Narcissists at their best! I fed my ego but not my sou!

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