One Sentence Summary: The girls go Housewives with thrown drinks & bad behavior.
Rachel: Well, here we are 3/4 of the way through the season. Have we learned anything thus far? Maybe that there is an entire group of Jewish people living in Long Island whose homes are trapped in the 80′s and their daughters are trapped in the 50′s? It’s a whole time machine meshugeneh. OK, meshugeneh isn’t the right word (or spelling?), but I’m trying to bring the Yiddish to the last 3 episodes. Though now that I think about it, that is probably a bad idea. We have enough bad attempts at weaving Judaism, Hebrew and Yiddish into each week’s episode, that I’m not helping by adding fuel to the menorah. Sorry, couldn’t help it. I’ll stop. This show is rough enough on my peeps without me joining in. Let’s go speed dating!
White Party Pimpin’
Chanel goes wedding dress shopping with her sister & mother. Needless to say, Chanel is feeling conflicted; happy for her sister, but sad for her. Her mom discussing marriage with the seamstress doesn’t really help either. The pressure of her getting married is building until she tells her mom to lay off. Let’s focus on the marriage at hand. Her sister picked out a wedding dress for Chanel to try on. And the parade of humiliation continues. There’s no way. You’d have to roofie me to get me into a dress. Now, we have tears. Girl, you’re 27. Get a grip.
Ashlee, Joey and Casey go speed dating… sorry, Jewish speed dating. Chanel was supposed to be there, but bailed so now Ashlee & Casey are “stuck” with Joey.
Casey has issues with Joey because she tries to hard to fit in. The whistle blows and the parade of Jewish bachelors begins. I can’t say there are any love matches happening. Joey decides to have fun with the guys because she doesn’t think she’ll like anyone. Her version of fun is asking men what they’re packing in their pants and how many women they’ve been with. Yeah, don’t be disrespectful. These guys are putting themselves out there. Then again, Casey & Ashlee being mean girls to Joey because they don’t like her behavior is disrespectful as well. Are you really ignoring her, Ashlee? Speaking of classy.
Amanda and her BFF Ilton go to the venue for her big drink hankie party tonight. It’s going to be a white party so the drink hankies will pop. The owner of the salon is financing the party because he’s a big believer in the product. Or he’s a big believer that this is going to get his salon on national TV. I’m going with the latter.
Erica deigns to go to the South Shore to hang with Joey. They head to a tiki bar for some drinks and gossip about speed dating. Joey doesn’t get why she got the cold shoulder, but she’s done with them. Erica tells us that Ashlee is the sweetest girl… until she decides she doesn’t like you. Then the claws come out. Yeah, I’d love to see all 4 feet of her come at me. But enough about Joey, Erica needs to talk about herself. Rob is driving her crazy with his needing to see her. He’s caging her in and it’s making her skin crawl. Oh lady, just wait until you get a little older and the men stop banging down your door. You’ll be wishing you had Rob hanging on your every word. At least, that’s what I hear. I mean it’s not like I’d know.
Time for a victory lap around the bar to find Joey a man. What they find is a physical therapist for Erica who is willing to help her straighten out her spine. And that IS a euphemism. Wow, Erica seriously needs to be hosed down. She’s a walking hormone. Erica thinks Joey needs to step up her game. Joey thinks she is ready to leave so she doesn’t have to babysit Erica anymore. Listen Joey, let Erica hook the fish and you decide if you want to reel them in. You have a wingwoman with balls of steel. Use it to your advantage. Erica acknowledges that she’s annoying – not that it’s going to change – and Joey accepts her sort of apology, but the night is still over.
Ashlee is going on a date with a guy she met at speed dating. Well, look at that. Someone made a love connection. Mom would like Ashlee to put her girls on display. Ashlee hates boobs… on her. I’m leaving that alone. Adam shows up and gets to spend some time with dad who wants to know what attracted him to Ashlee and if he is a practicing Jew (not so much)… Thankfully, Ashlee shows up before the questioning goes off the rails and Adam runs out the door.
At dinner, they discuss his past relationships. I would normally give this guy grief for being a nervous wreck, but no one wants to go on a first date while on camera. You know, unless it’s the Bachelor or some show like that. Ashlee isn’t feeling him or his laugh. Poor guy.
It’s morning and Erica’s dad is headed into work. He’d like to know if his daughter will be joining him at the office at any point this summer. Ha ha ha ha… Oh, that’s funny. She says she’s been very busy. Yes, but I’m pretty sure
schtupping boys in bathrooms doesn’t count as busy in his mind. He’s apparently tired of her excuses and tells her to get her butt into the office. She says being a career-oriented woman is important to her… just not in the summer, when it’s beach time. So, that’s how it works? How come no one let me in on that secret? Erica tells dad she’s just so exhausted from Rob constantly hounding her. How can she be expected to get out of bed so early? He thinks she’s not ready to be committed. Yeah, but her mom wants her to get married. He says that’s because she’s not really a career girl so she should probably find a husband. Don’t want to be 35 and not have kids. Wow, is this conversation actually happening? In 2013? He just wants her life to move forward… by having a conversation that belongs in the past.
Casey meets up with Chanel who is having a meltdown about the pressure to get married. In a modern Orthodox family, you are married by 21 or 22. Yeah, well, they probably don’t do reality TV either so break some rules. She feels like she’s sinning because she’s not married. Sweet Moses, take a deep breath. Casey tells her to let it go. Stop worrying what everyone else is doing. Yeah, imagine if you were a 42-year-old Jewish woman who was unmarried and childless… Just sayin…
Oh shit, here comes Amanda’s boyfriend, Jeff. This guy drives me up a wall. How does she find him sexy? He’s like if Adam Sander, Sacha Barron Cohen and Milton Berle morphed into one person. Jeff is getting ready in the closet and shouting “I’m in the closet!” Yeah. We know.
Time for the Drink Hanky White Party to which Jeff wore khakis. There’s some shmoozing and some selling, but overall the party is tame. For now. Slowly the girls start to file in and Amanda finds it necessary to screech everyone’s name. Everyone’s getting their dance on – especially Chanel – while Rob & Jeff talk about Erica’s drinking. He’s trying to help her be less of a mess, but let’s be honest, that’s a tall order. But Erica’s finally decided she’s in it to win it.
And just when everything seems to be going really well, there is screaming coming from outside. Someone threw water on someone else for being a bitch. And that someone would be Chanel. She is being physically restrained right now. Really? Chanel? Who knew! I guess the pressure cooker just exploded. Turns out someone was flicking water on her, which turned into a whole glass of water on her. Chanel told her to bring it on, which the girl’s friend offered to do. Chanel is brought inside to calm down and restore order to the party.
As if that’s not enough drama, Joey comes in to talk to Amanda while Ashlee yells at her to stay outside. Joey pretty much ignores her and continues her conversation. Gee, I wonder why she’s ignoring you, Ashlee? Well, she’s not going to be ignored and interrupts the conversation, pushes Amanda and shouts at Joey. Now how is that helpful? They were having a conversation. Chill the fuck out. And now, the owner of the salon is inside screaming that he doesn’t need drama and kicks everyone out, including the cameraman.
Chanel, Erica, Joey & Ashlee walk away. Amanda thinks Chanel should know better and being upset about her sister is no excuse to behave that way. Well, she did get a drink thrown at her, in all fairness. Meanwhile, Ashlee needs Joey to leave her presence because she’s a bad person and everyone thinks so. Really? A bad person? That’s silliness. And when no one at the table will back up Ashlee, Joey also finds it silly.
And there goes Chanel again to find the woman with the blurred out face. Seriously, why are they still yelling at each other? I’ve never understood that whole phenomenon where you get separated from each other after a fight, recognize your behavior is atrocious and yet decide to carry on some more. Of course, I never understood visible panty lines either, but that’s also happening tonight.
Finally, Ashlee leaves with Chanel who can’t believe she behaved this way. Joey & Erica stay to try and figure out with Amanda and her mom what the hell just happened. Amanda is pretty upset about the behavior during her party, but welcome to reality TV…
Rachel: Well, so that happened….