Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 4: Gym Rats

One Sentence Summary:  Workouts turn to walk outs when siblings head to the gym.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

Oh boy, shit's about to start getting crazy in Jersey.

Oh boy, shit’s about to start getting crazy in Jersey.

Oh, mea culpa my friends.  I’ve been so neglectful with the Jersey Ladies but the day job has been seriously cutting into my reality and snark time.  Unfortunately, Mamma has bills to pay – I’m a wine snob, this stuff ain’t cheap – a Bitch has to do what a Bitch as to right?  I need to play some quick catch up because I’m neglecting you and my Housewives for another week while I travel for work.  I digress, I can’t wait for tonight’s episode because it was all my colorist could talk about the other day “Did you see how Joe confronted Teresa about being called a C U Next Tuesday?!”.  Heehee, top yourselves off friends we’re finally getting to see how life must have been like growing up in the Gorga household.

Tale of Two Visits

Joey Gorga is still sick, but it doesn’t stop Melissa’s rehash of the previous evening’s confrontation with Teresa and Kim D.  Melissa tells Joe she realized she doesn’t have to explain herself to Teresa.

Meanwhile at the Guidice manse Teresa tells her side of the story to Joe saying Melissa lied and it’s a big deal because if her father in law were in the hospital she would run there.

Melissa continues to tell Joe that Teresa claims she wasn’t there for 4 days.  While Juicy Joe shows us he knows his days of the week to count the days Melissa wasn’t at the hospital to visit.  Playing her usual game Teresa claims the lies are getting to be too much and Melissa always plays the victim.  Um, isn’t that your starting role there sweetie??

Melissa tells Joe she didn’t want Teresa to play the sick Father card and Joe makes sure we know how supportive Melissa is for him and how it breaks his heart that Teresa doesn’t see it.  Melissa questions (in that hushed voice the old grandmas use to talk about cancer) if Teresa is bi-polar.  Listen, I don’t have a degree in any type of medical background but I’m gonna go with multiple issues with Teresa.

Learn To Live With It

Man, it’s dinner at Kathy’s mom’s again and Rosie is ready to get her booze on to start cooking.  Amen sista, now that you mention it, I should fetch a little top off for my Pinot.  Kathy is tormenting herself with what to do for Victoria and Rich’s birthdays.  Instead of a club like Rosie suggests Kathy decides maybe a little lounge action for the festivities.  She tells the fam about how the kids went to see their uncle in the hospital who was happy to see them so she thinks since he’s out of the hospital she wants to see him, but her mother and her uncle aren’t speaking and she doesn’t want to get into the middle.  Rosie thinks they need to be left out of the feud between the elders.

Little Bit of Jersey

Caroline and Albert stop by a new restaurant “Little Town, NJ” that the Manzo boys are now involved with.  They’re going to bring a little bit of Jersey to… well, Jersey.  So, the deal is that blk isn’t really bringing in the money they’re hoping for and the restaurant is a way for them to earn a salary.  I’m not sure how the math works on opening a restaurant just to start earning a salary.  Doesn’t that kind of drain your finances until you get established?  Albert isn’t thrilled with what the chef is bringing and makes a few recommendations for the menu and reminds them everything has to be perfect for their opening.  Christopher claims he’s excited for restaurant stress but the rents don’t seem too convinced – me either Christopher.

Dear Melissa

At MacMillian Publishers Melissa is getting pressure for her book about how to achieve a modern and traditional happy marriage.  It’s the Bible for marriage in her opinion.  She’s not sure if a lot of women know what men want.  Well, let’s be honest here my dear, that’s a page of a book… Sex.  It’s a post it.  How’s the song go… a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed?  Yep, that about sums it up if you ask me.  She thinks her book is completely different from Teresa’s because it’s an advice book.  Of course Joe needs to chime in that sex is important.  Respect and Sex.  Nice Joe, we all collectively rolled our eyes along with the crew in that room.  At the mention of her father Melissa tears up sharing her father going out for milk and not coming back for  few days.  Next she says Joe reminds her of her father (hmmmm… I’ll keep my mouth shut on that one) but she doesn’t want to write about some of the more difficult things in her past even though it’s pretty much what her publishing peeps want.

(Not) Feeling The Burn

Jacqueline’s trainer comes to the house in what looks like club clothes and full lashes – really??  Jac doesn’t want to work out and doesn’t like it but her botox face doesn’t show her anger.  While her trainer tries to get her to do anything other than sit there talking, she needs to rehash the Teresa’s gym story.  This poor girl.  Jacqueline’s got her own take that Teresa is a sociopath.  Sure, we’ll add that to the list of her mental issues.

Motherly Advice

Getting a mani / pedi with Mamma Teresa asks if she were in her shoes what Mom would do with the situation with Joe and Melissa.  Mamma tells her regardless of what happens between the two of them to never put the kids in the middle.  Um, too late.  Her advice is if Joe comes to her that she needs to make it work for her parents.  Not holding my breath on that one Mamma.  Teresa tells Mom about Melissa’s book deal about how to keep a sexy marriage.  Mamma wants to know how she keeps it sexy with her short shorts and the shirts all open looking like a prostitute.  DAMN Mamma… that’s harsh, that’s also what your son considers sexy apparently.  Teresa almost pulls a muscle patting herself on the back telling mom she wished Melissa good luck on her book deal.  Oy Teresa, you’re a piece of work my dear.

Where’s The Funnel?

Boy I don’t know how Kathy deals with Rich without poisoning him.  Seriously, a little “special sugar” on some cookies.  Making her entrance to show off her party clothes, Rich asks Victoria how it feels stealing his birthday away from him.  Yes, her eye roll mirrors mine.  Rich then wonders about the funnel he found in her room.  Oh, that’s so she can bong a bottle of Chardonnay and forget her family’s shit is on national television.

Family Time

Trying to work on her book Melissa’s kids are channeling their inner Guidices screaming at the top of their lungs for her father.  She’s looking through pictures for her book and she came across the only card her father ever gave her for her birthday just before he died.  She feels like the way he wrote it he knew he was going to hit the tree.  Yikes!  She admits he was a great father but doesn’t know if she wants to say the bad things because it’s her mother’s life and she doesn’t know if she wants to share it with anybody.  Correct me if I’m wrong here friends, but isn’t that cat pretty much out of the bag now?  I mean what with Bravo airing this episode?  Her father’s cheating always made her wonder if her mother was doing something wrong.  All she ever wanted was a normal safe family, that’s why she always wants to do as much together as a family as they can.

Caroline’s Balls

While still a complete shell of new restaurant Caroline is in the kitchen with the chef and the boys making meatballs.  Seems, the secret to a great meatball is that they are made by an angry Italian lady (and not their chef).  I wonder if this is a little middle finger salute to Teresa’s comment about Caroline’s meatballs in her book.  I can’t remember what the dig was, but it was something about her balls.  Meatballs that is… not her figurative ones.

Caroline asks the chef about the menu and staff, and he confides that it is still a work in progress.  Caroline worries that Albie second guesses himself because he worries that people think he can’t produce ever since Law School asked him not to return.  Nevertheless, she’s proud of her boys… Who managed to lock themselves out of their restaurant.  OY!

Bumpy Ride

It’s the party buss bringing the crew out to celebrate the birthdays and Joey Gorga is treated to a lap dance from some suited gent – no clue who it is, but that just sets a really bad pace.  Yeah, this has the opportunity to get ugly.

The shots start flowing and the crew starts to get a little crazy when Victoria thanks everyone for coming and announces she’s happy to share her day with the first man she ever loved.  Aaaawwww, yeah, everyone drinks that up like their shots.  The candles are blown and food is passed around while Joey Gorga tries to play wingman for his nephew and completely embarrasses the boy while the poor girl tries to come up with a way to excuse herself from the motley crew of men.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline asks Melissa what happened at Gia’s party and Melissa gets another chance to tell her side to the ladies.  Caroline doesn’t think Melissa and Teresa can sit and be civil because neither of them is ready for that because they’re all holding on to grudges.  Well, except for her sweet Joe – he can do no wrong.  Caroline reminds her she has an attitude then goes home and the attitude gets words.  Caroline tells her she doesn’t think Teresa is capable of having a relationship with Melissa even if she’s said she’s forgiven her.

Caroline tells Kathy she tried to fight her cause and didn’t end up on the winning side of that battle and thinks she should stay away.

Later Rich finds a sad and slightly drunk Kathy getting angry over everything Caroline told her about the conversation with Teresa.  As she talks about trying to be a big sister to Teresa Rosie wanders over and wonders why they are talking about Teresa and that Kathy and the rest of the family shouldn’t want anything do to with her.  Now here’s where the booze becomes a factor because she’s just getting louder and louder – you know, as one does when they’ve had a few too many and want to make a point (we’ve all been there, no denials around these parts).  Now the restaurant starts to notice Rosie’s rant and the rest of the Housewives try to diffuse the situation at the birthday to not ruin things for Victoria and Rich.

Sweating It

Yes, we get to see Teresa working out and by that I mean does a single band assisted pull up while Rich wanders by to start his grunting work out.  Teresa realizes it’s Joe but doesn’t understand why he’s there – this is her gym damn it.  Pretending she’s the one who wants to fix things she heads over to “spot” Joe.  Wisely Joe sees through the ruse that she’d likely just drop the bar on him trying to crush his throat.  Really, what was that “spot”?  You don’t hold the bar when you spot someone, nor do you squat along.  Teresa then goes on to ask about his abs and show off her guns – this is the strangest conversation ever – and I’ve had my share of bizarre chats in my day.  Joe tells Teresa he cries at night because of the whole situation she created.  She reminds him Melissa didn’t go to the hospital for 4 days when their father was there (geez she’s going to ride this like a shiny new Maybach isn’t she?).  Joe yells that Teresa is obsessed with Melissa.  Oh no, Teresa sees through Melissa and past her like she’s a water bottle… how is that being obsessed?

She tries to tell him Melissa does things without him knowing about it like her tweeting about Teresa – oh… SO SCANDALOUS!!  Teresa doesn’t understand why Joe does everything Melissa says and obeys her like she’s God.  Of course I find this completely hysterical because we all know Teresa acts as though the sun rises and sets with Juicy.  Joe tells her he’s a smart guy and he’s not goo-goo over pussy, and nor is he pussy-whipped.  Joe starts to get fired up and tells Teresa she can’t cook – OH NO HE DI’IN’T!!  Don’t tell me our cookbook producing Teresa doesn’t cook!  SAY IT AIN’T SO JOE!!  Btw, eye roll at the absurdity of this conversation.  Joe starts to detail off all the things said about Melissa and Teresa insists they never came from her because that’s her sister in law and she wouldn’t say that about family.  I think I speak for everyone with a wtf Teresa?!  Joe smelling the blood in the water goes in for the kill and tells her he respects his wife and wouldn’t call her a c*nt.  Teresa’s rebuttal is that Juicy didn’t call her that to her face, he was on the phone with his friend.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  Talk about being whipped here Teresa, you’re bending over backward defending your husband calling you a c*nt on national television, but your brother can’t side with his wife?  Maybe you are a bi-polar sociopath.  Man, that glass house of yours must be wonderful to live in.  Teresa challenges that she’s sure he’s used that word to describe Melissa in the past and immediately he volleys back asking how Joe treats the kids and her.  He wants to set a good example for his kids unlike her Juicy.  That earns him water thrown in his face and her storming off while screaming over her shoulder at Joe.  Teresa thinks he needs to man up and stop acting like a bitch.

Bottom Line:

Man, why is there never drama like that at my gym??  Oh wait, because my gym isn’t a closed set backdrop for reality television.  Way to go Joe, you impressed me today – Cheers.

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