One Sentence Summary: Erica establishes her role on the show: drink, cry, meltdown, repeat.
Rachel: I hate that I’m watching this again. I hate it. But it’s a giant train wreck that I can’t turn away from. Want to. Can’t. Really should. Still cannot. It’s one of those things – right or wrong – where I can sit back and watch a Jersey Shore or a Shahs of Sunset and laugh about the terrible stereotyping going on. I know it’s not representative of the entire population, but I still get a kick out of having the less dignified side put on display. But then it’s your “people” up there on the tube, and you’re laughing a little less loudly and swallowing a little harder when they do something stupid. Look, I’m not saying I’m suddenly having a crisis of conscience and going to crusade against shows that make fun of certain groups of people. Come on. I have enough wine in supply to prevent that from every happening. But I am saying that I now “get it” on a different level. Like I said last week, I knew it was a matter of time. I just thought Bravo Andy Cohen might have picked a more, um, well-rounded group of Jews. Oh well. But people are watching and reacting. I mean even my family was discussing it at Father’s Day dinner last night. And that’s what Bravo wanted. But it remains to be seen if these girls can hold our collective attention long enough to earn a second season, unlike the hipsters over on Gallery Girls… sadly. And quite frankly, I’d much rather watch them.
Yep, every show starts with a terrible Jewish-ism. This time it’s the same “shmutz”, different day. Killing me. Why must they do this? As if this show wasn’t a giant stereotype to begin with?
And we’re back with Shabbat tears. Casey goes out to talk to Erica. She apologizes for ruining dinner, but Erica went after someone she loved which haunts her everyday of her life. OK, maybe I’m dead inside, but really? Everyday of your life? You do realize you were dating a guy that let himself be stolen by the town slut, right? I’m thinking that guy is probably not the love of your life. At least, I hope he’s not. So, maybe let it go? Again, I get telling Erica she sucks for doing another woman like that, but this is silly. Casey would just like to punch Erica in the face. Erica apologizes profusely, but Casey doesn’t want to know anything about her or her toxic behavior. And on and on and on Casey goes about how this is going to affect her for the rest of her life. Oh Sweet Mary, this is ridiculous. And what is with Erica’s head spasming like she’s Katherine Hepburn on crack? Casey goes back inside and I have no idea what the net net of that conversation was. Erica follows and apologizes for being a dick her whole life. Well, you are what you eat…
Saved by the doorbell, Amanda has arrived. And she brought Jeff. Joy. Erica collapses in tears in her arms and there’s a lot of chattering I can’t decipher. While Jeff & Amanda eat some challah for good luck, Erica & Chanel go outside so Erica can unload about what happened. She thinks Casey needs to get over it. This may be the only thing Erica & I agree on. Now Chanel is crying because she wants everyone to get along. SMH. Erica will make it copacetic for Chanel since she’s such a great friend and deserves only great friends. Too late.
The next morning, the girls are up and ready to go… well, except for Erica who is sick. Her chest hurts. Maybe it’s the 600 cigarettes you smoked? Just a guess. She isn’t moving, so it’s brunch & men for the rest of the girls.
Um, I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure this next scene is going to cause me nightmares
for years to come. Did anyone really need to see Jeff’s hairy ass crack? Oh yes, that’s right. And I’m not talking about a small amount of hair. This was like he wrestled a yeti to its death with his ass cheeks. This was the bonus treat after having to watch Amanda & him make out in a pool, while listening to her tell us how much Jeff loves her in a bikini and how much she loves his arms & hair. I am going to pray you mean on his head and not… gag… ack… in his crack. Seriously, that was unnatural. I’m starting to think this whole show is a sick ass joke Bravo is playing on us. And he just ordered pink bubbly. ’Nuff said.
At brunch, the girls are on the prowl, but no one is running to say hi. So, Joey takes matters into her own hands and calls over the first guy to pass by on the street. Well, there’s a technique. And what a winner this guy is. He’s a global tennis pro that is happy to help them work on their stroke. He wants Casey’s number. She’ll pass. Shockingly, his offer to give her some of his protein later doesn’t change her mind. And he is dismissed. Chanel thought he was funny. Casey is angry. Girl, you need to mellow out.
Rob shows up at the house and Erica tells him all about what happened last night. Uh, wasn’t that Rob on the phone last night who was hearing you tell this exact story? Maybe? He’s also acting like this is brand new information. Again, elaborate joke by Bravo.
Up next, Hamptons Social Club where Ashlee gags on her shot while wearing glasses 17 sizes too big for her head. Pleasant. Not ones to have to stand, they cop a squat on a couch with one extremely preppy dude that Joey is feeling. I guess the girls are taken with the whole Clark Kent thing he’s got going on. Personally, it makes me laugh how hard this guy is trying. But Chanel thinks Ashlee has met her future husband, which she says, out loud, right in front of Loafers VonChinos III.
Amanda shows up after her wink wink “nap” with Jeff. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Thankfully we are spared the details as Ashlee has to call her dad on speakerphone, from the party, so Chanel can tell them about this perfect guy they met… also in front of the guy. Joey says they’re breaking every girl rule because you’re supposed to break a guy’s ego down, not build it up, when you first meet them. Yeah, don’t think that’s in the rule books either. Can’t imagine why these girls are still single. Yeah yeah, pot/kettle. I hear you. Different issues, but we don’t have that kind of time.
Ashlee gets off the phone and wonders why Joey thinks it’s weird she called her father. If Santa Claus was sitting next to her, she’d call her parents right away because it would be more weird if she didn’t tell them until she was home. Say wha? I’m going to go out on a limb and say the weirdest thing about this situation is that the guy is still sitting there, especially as the conversation spirals into Chanel’s parents buying her lingerie. It’s a whole lot of inappropriate convo when you’re both trying to impress a guy. Joey has had enough of this “silly girl” and stomps off leaving Ashlee with her, um, suitor. Dude, do you really want camera time that badly?
Later it’s time for the girls to head out to the hottest club in the Hamptons. Kinda like the gay bar was the hottest place to meet men? And we have our first “shabbat shalom” of the evening. Oh, and some Hava Nagila. I gotta tell you, been Jewish my whole life. Have pretty much never busted out with some Hava Nagila in the middle of a party. And while I’m on a rant, can someone please tell me why these stupid Greek goddess headbands are in style? They look good on no one. Please stop. I beg of you.
And since everyone is having fun, this would be a good time for Rob to ask Casey to please be nice to his girlfriend. Casey respects his being there to calm her, but she just needs her space. Erica sees this go down & wants to know, verbatim, what he said to Casey. He says exactly what he said, but Erica would like more details. I don’t know what drugs this chick is doing, but she is started to make me twitch.
For the second time tonight, Erica takes a spill. Someone please put her to bed. Well, I guess they’re trying but girlfriend is hopped up on a whole lot of shit. Her boyfriend is passed out in the back of the car so she has to have a meltdown before sleep. He finally makes it inside and she would like to give him coffee. He would like water. Instead, she is just going to drink more wine and try to make her boyfriend take drugs. Ahhh… So, Adderall is the culprit. No wonder she’s bouncing off the walls. She starts yelling at everyone, which then becomes everyone is yelling at her and now we have tears. This is your brain on drugs, people! Not so glamorous when you’re falling down, freaking out and crying to your boyfriend about your period, is it? Casey somehow thinks that this alcohol problem of Erica’s is the reason she came this weekend. You know, because Erica will listen to her when she tells her to go to AA. Um, A) it’s not alcohol and B) no she won’t. My head hurts and I’m only on my first glass.
Back outside, Erica feels like she can’t win, slaps her boyfriend and is emotionally overwhelmed. She can’t make everyone happy. Goosfraba. Your guess is as good as mine on that one. In the morning, they leave without saying goodbye to anyone. Amazing. Joey, Casey & Chanel think it’s all so high school and can’t take it. Upstairs, Ashlee calls home to let dad know she’s folding her comforter and that they have been elected to the Codependency Hall of Fame. OK, the second part isn’t true, but it should be. And with that, Shabbat weekend comes to a close.
Rachel: I actually don’t even have words. None.