One Sentence Summary: The Jews get their Jersey Shore.
Rachel: Well, this has been sitting on my DVR for almost two weeks now waiting for me to click play. I admittedly am having a hard time bringing myself to watch what I can only imagine is going to be the Jewish Jersey Shore. I mean I knew it was only a matter of time before my people made it out in front of the reality cameras to embarrass themselves and the rest of the tribe. After Jersey Shore, Shahs of Sunset and Breaking Amish, it wasn’t a long stretch to figure what was coming next. And here we are. Ack. But did it have to be this crew? Couldn’t you have exploited the “nice Jewish boy” stereotype by going a few miles east (or is it west?) to Manhattan and following around a banker or a doctor? Yeah, I know, no one really wants to watch that or Dr Oz’s emergency room show would have done gangbusters. Hey, they can come follow me around! Granted, it won’t be much more exciting than watching a girl who spends the majority of her life on her computer and drinks unhealthy amounts of wine. But really with the Jewish princesses? Did we have to go there? There???? Well, enough bitching. This show isn’t going to watch itself. Oh, and while I am watching episode 1, only 2 is getting covered. If I survive, maybe I’ll watch 3 on Sunday…
Are we going to start with a Jewish proverb every week? We join Amanda and her mom at the clothing store where mom works. Who dresses like this in the middle of the day? Or ever, actually? Whoa, mom, too much. Joey stops by to talk to Amandaaaa. Why do all of Amanda’s words end with elongated letters? You want talk to meeeeee? Surrrrrre. Is this going to be all season? Hellllllp. Joey is there to apologize for bringing her crazy, boyfriend-insulting friend to the pool party last week, but she’s not responsible for what came out of her mouth. Just like we’re not responsible for thinking
Amanda’s boyfriend is not remotely straight. But go on. Amanda says Joey should have come to her defense and taken her friend out of the house. Joey just wants to let Amanda know she supports her and understands why she was upset. Apology accepted… ish.
Chanel pops by Ashlee’s to pick her up for their night out in the city. Sorry, the City. But first, let’s discuss the couch. Why do they have a couch that looks like a mylar balloon? Well, it is 1984 in that house so maybe it’s all part of a theme. The girls are going on a mission to meet Jewish men with Chanel’s friend Casey, the guy magnet. Before they leave though, daddy has to go fetch a brush for his daughter. You have to be kidding me. My father would have laughed in my face, then turned back to whatever sporting event was on the TV.
I have to say they are even driving me crazy with the soundtrack to this show. Who is supervising this mess? Though maybe that’s the point. At the club, the girls are letting everyone know they’re there to meet men. As are the rest of the men in the club. Yeah, it’s gay night. So instead of going somewhere else, they think maybe the guys have straight brothers. Um, this could be part of why you’re single. Go home and log onto JDate. Far more effective.
Casey, the man magnet, finally shows up. She’s the city girl who doesn’t care about the material things that the LI girls get caught up in. Oh, there’s hope for me liking someone on this show. Don’t let me down Casey. But Casey wasn’t planning on staying for a long time. Just a good time. And off she goes leaving Chanel & Ashlee is a wake of adoration. Not one to just let the good times roll, Chanel needs to let Ashlee in on some info. Erica stole Casey’s boyfriend about 10 years ago and there’s still tension which “fustrates” Chanel. How is that relevant? I’m sure we’ll find out in a coincidental run-in.
Speaking of Erica, she and her boyfriend Rob are having dinner with Amanda and her boyfriend, Gay… er, I mean Jeff. And we have our first Manischewitz joke of the evening. As the waiter is explaining tonight’s specials, which includes grilled octopus, Amanda interrupts to tell the story of a woman in China, or whatever, who ate an octopus and ended up with baby octopi hatching in her mouth. Sorry, octopusses. I might actually have to hit pause and snopes this puppy…
Well, I’m sorry I did that. The story is true but it’s about a squid and includes a line in the article that reads:
‘I’ve probably had hundreds of spermatophores ejaculate on my fingers and never felt a sting.’
Yep, never getting that out of my head. If you’re a masochist and would like to read the rest of the disgusting story, go here: link to article.
Jeff and Amanda met on the LIRR after Jeff spotted her a few times. He went shopping for a new outfit and approached her using his iPhone as the opening line. Erica and Rob were friends for a while, but Erica wouldn’t give him the time of day until she was bored one afternoon and called him. And they say romance is dead. Pretty sure Rob is hoping this is his last double date with Jeff. Dude is annoying.
Casey is back in LI and going through her art from high school. Right now, she’s a cocktail waitress but her dream is to show her art. She’s actually got some talent. Nice surprise. Call up the Gallery Girls. Her art brings her back in time. Chanel wonders if that means the “Erica thing”? Oh snap, Erica stole her boyfriend AND her prom date. That’s like Pretty In Pink lowdown shady. It ruined Casey’s self-esteem, which Chanel understands and then suggests they all go to the Hampton’s together for the weekend. Well, that sounds like a ton of fun. Casey is resistant at first but there’s going boys, booze and bagels. So, she’s in. Kinda.
Joey goes to hang with Erica, who apparently is the hottest girl in all of Long Island. To hook up with her in high school was to make “the list”. Gee, what an honor. Joey mentions the Hamptons weekend and the fact that Casey is going to be there, then asks how Erica knows her. Um, if you don’t know the story then why are you bringing up Casey? Plot failure. Anyway, Erica tells her side of the story, which is that, yeah, she stole Casey’s boyfriend. And I’m guessing she feels kinda bad about it… Hard to tell. But then Joey tells Erica that she also slept with her boyfriend. This Erica feels badly about. Man, that “list” must be really long. I’m thinking it’s less that she was the prettiest girl in LI and more like the easiest. But Erica gets what she wants; especially men. How proud you must be.
Casey tells her mom that she’s dreading seeing Erica this weekend. And the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes that she needs to have a conversation with her. Erica’s boyfriend stealing opened up the wound left behind by her dad cheating on her mom and bailing on the family. Mom says Erica’s just one person and not everyone is like her. But have the conversation and move on. I’m not sure the conversation needs to be had 10 years later, but hey, who am I to stop you? I mean I wouldn’t want to be Erica’s friend either, but let the drama go.
Chanel goes to pick up Ashlee for their Shabbat/manhunting weekend in the Hamptons. Apparently, it’s like shooting gefilte fish in a barrel. Yep, the hits just keep on coming. Ashlee is a little anxious leaving her parents for the weekend. Chanel actually gets choked up on the bus waving bye to her dad. You must be kidding me. Next on the bus, Joey & Erica. Ooh, horizontal stripes on TV… yipes. Oh now we’re discussing 50 Shades of Grey (which Chanel says was amazing… I got to page 50 and couldn’t take another minute of the horrible writing) and masturbating. Um, can I please exit the party bus at the next stop?
OK, I want to smack Ashlee. Just smack the shit out of her spoiled little ass. She’s skeeved out by the house’s sheets, which she’s sitting on in her short shorts. Yeah, well, you’re all up in it now honey. But it’s time for Shabbat and Casey’s arrival. Awkward has entered the building! Casey doesn’t acknowledge Erica’s presence. Erica isn’t having it and tells Chanel. Chanel says she’ll facilitate a conversation but let’s get through dinner first. LOL… yeah, right. And more Manischewitz jokes.
Sabbath begins with the blessing over the candles and the food. Erica makes a toast to Chanel for being so amazing and an inspiration. Then, in case there wasn’t enough tension in the room, she goes on a tangent about how she hates the names of all of her ex-boyfriends. All 900 of them. Why you gotta stir the matzoh ball soup? See, I can play that game too. Now, she’s onto meditation and how healing it is. Casey’s had enough and asks if Erica can just be quiet. For a minute. Not joking. Everything coming out of her mouth right now is ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as that idiotic headband, Casey. Erica thinks that was inappropriate at Shabbat dinner and now everyone is uncomfortable. Yeah, it’s inappropriate at any dinner. Everything Erica said was coming from her heart, so if Casey doesn’t like it, too bad. She doesn’t have the right to tell her to shut her mouth. And off Erica goes in tears. Yeah, that was out of bounds, Casey. We were all trying to be on your team. Trying.
Erica calls Rob to tell him what Casey said. Inside, Casey says she just hates Erica
and can’t take it anymore. And tears. Girlfriend, it’s been ten years. Again, you don’t have to be friends with Erica. I wouldn’t if it were me. But the level of drama you’re bringing to a decade old issue is, I gotta say, cuckoo. Therapy would come in handy here, although she does recognize she shouldn’t have said it at dinner. So, at least you can check that off in therapy. Chanel says that she’s in the moment and needs to say something to Erica now. Joey finally goes outside. She understands Casey’s position and thinks maybe Erica needs to talk to her about it. They don’t know how deep it goes for Casey. That’s a fair point. Chanel is now outside and agrees. Erica, is less in agreement. But we’ll have to wait until next week to find out how this Shabbat dinner ends.
Rachel: Well, that was exactly what I expected it to be. Bad intentional Jewish jokes and all. And I’ll probably keep watching it anyway…