One Sentence Summary: When the drama spreads to the husbands, it’s time for everyone to take a time out.
Rachel: Oh I’m so scared to start watching tonight. I can’t take any more of the hideous Moroccan dinner. I really can’t. Do I have to watch it? Mother may I skip it? Pretty please with a cherry on top? I’m so close to having a temper tantrum right now about this it’s embarrassing. I may have to pour my wine into a baby bottle because that’s the level of tantrum I’m talking. It’s just so painful because you know they’re going to spend the first 5 minutes rehashing last week which was painful enough the first time around. Then we have to finish the night. Then everyone will have to meet the next day to talk about it. Then Adrienne & Paul will hear about it. They’ll get mad. Everyone will get mad. It’ll be anarchy! But I suppose the longer I sit here and stew in my juices (and by juices, I mean wine), the longer it will be before I am on the other side of this. Alright, let’s get this over with before there’s only a whiny bitch left over here.
OK, I don’t know who this arrogant, angry Mauricio is, but I’d like the old one back please. He starts tonight’s episode with this piece of genius, “I’ve never been sued in my life, but the three or four times I’ve been sued, I pick up the phone and it ends.” So you’ve never been sued in your life except for those three or four times? That’s awesome. It’s kinda like how I’ve never dated an asshole except for those 1 or 2 hundred times. I like it. I’ll have to use that math. But he’s like a rabid dog with a bone and won’t back down. He says Brandi started it, but she won’t finish it, because she knows she’s wrong. Brandi says that she called Adrienne twice but hasn’t heard back. Mauricio’s awesome skills are in play again when he says Brandi just said a few minutes ago that she never called her. I assume if we’re using Mauricio Math – it’s now a thing – by never, he means twice. I’m pretty sure if we rewound the tape, he’d hear her saying, just moments ago, that she tried calling. Yet, this is so clearly not his business anyway so he should probably just spend some time working on adding one plus STFU.
Finally, Kyle shuts her husband up for us. Took ya long enough. Had to let it escalate first though, right? Because this is fun for you. Do you think we’ve not figured you out yet, Kyle? We have. And we’re exhausted. Well, I’m exhausted. And Marisa is annoyed. She can’t stand people fighting other people’s battles. Welcome to the club, lady. Grab a seat and make yourself comfortable. It’s gonna be a long, bumpy ride.
Kyle apologizes to Brandi for her husband. She doesn’t want Brandi to feel under attack. Well, then stop attacking her. And as we feel start to feel like maybe we’re seeing some blue skies again, Brandi goes back in for some more. Aw come on, girl. We get it. Those of us not up Paul & Adrienne’s asses get it. Mauricio is up their asses. He doesn’t get it. So don’t waste your time. And now we have Lisa & Ken vs Kyle & Mauricio. I need a Taylor “Enough!” right about now. And as Brandi leaves the room, this somehow has becomes a pity party for Kyle who is not going to try to make peace anymore. Who are you kidding? You don’t try and make peace? You eat this shit up. Do you not see the picture above? We’re all in on the game. Give it up. And while I’m on my rant – I figure it’s my turn – could someone please tell Kim to get the hell off of her high horse about proper behavior? She spent an entire episode last season locked in a bathroom and the rest of them somewhere out in space. So let’s not throw stones when we’re living in a giant glass house, okay? Hideous. Hideous behavior. Hideous people.
And next on the fight list, Taylor vs Yolanda. Yolands finds it ridiculous that Taylor is sitting there making the entire situation about her. Well, yes it’s ridiculous, but have you not been listening all night? It’s all ridiculousness. But I am glad someone is calling Taylor out. Look, I don’t for one moment diminish the absolute hell her life has been the last year. I can’t fathom it. However, I have a real problem with people who need to be the biggest victim in the room and use their issues for attention. No one can have a problem that Taylor can’t out-trauma. Fine, but that doesn’t mean what Brandi is going through isn’t real. Or what anyone else is going through for that matter. But again, I sit here expecting these narcissists to have empathy and compassion for those around them. Silly me! Well, at least there’s one sensible person in the room. And that person is Camille. Yeah, who woulda thunk it two seasons ago, but she is actually totally clear on the nonsense happening in front of her when she says “Leave it to Taylor to make it all about her.” Indeed.
Having heard enough drunken rantings from Taylor, Yolanda heads off to the bathroom to check on Brandi. So does Lisa. Brandi says she’s fine, but doesn’t know why Mauricio was coming after her. See above re: the asses. Both Yolanda & Lisa try and tell Brandi that she needs to take a deep breath and not attack back. Thank you! What have I been saying for weeks now? She isn’t helping herself one bit with the f-bombs. No one hears what she’s saying. They only hear her ranting.
On her way out of the restaurant, Brandi is stopped by Mauricio who wants to let her know that this isn’t personal. He has nothing personal against her. Brandi says it feels pretty personal. Yeah, I’m with her on this one. He says it’s not. It’s just what he personally feels is a principle. Wait, it’s personal for you, but it’s not personal for her? Damn, that Mauricio Math is complex! He cares about her and her kids. She says she gets it, but for him to come after her in a group of people when he doesn’t know what Adrienne has done to her isn’t fair. He agrees. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know about. He’s making this too easy for me. Well, I suppose that was a nice gesture.
In the limo home, Ken tells Lisa that he has never gone against Mauricio before but felt he had to tonight. And Lisa thinks Mauricio saying that someone attacking her integrity isn’t a big deal is nonsense. But the lovely couple has the best idea of the night – stopping off at the Polo Lounge for a drink. Can I come? Lord knows I could use something stronger than wine right now.
Uh, are we really only 10 minutes into this show? Lord.
I’ve Got Your Back… Ish
Oh boy, time for Kyle & Mauricio to spill the beans to Adrienne & Paul. I’m actually slumped over my computer right now knowing what is in store for us all in the next 5 minutes. Adrienne says that she and Paul were in New York for some fresh air and a break from Brandi’s toxicity. You know what makes it hard for me to even listen to this? The fact that we all know that these two are shortly headed for one nasty public divorce. So all this BS united front crap is hard to swallow. I feel like they’re using Brandi as their scapegoat for all their marital problems. Again, Brandi has no business spilling secrets. I get that. But this has been blown so way out of proportion it’s ridiculous; especially if it’s really all about surrogacy. What is the shame in that?
Adrienne thinks what happened at Mauricio’s event went too far and their issues with Brandi shouldn’t include people that she loves. You couldn’t have told them that a week ago? Could have saved us all (read: me) a lot of heartache. Paul says he knows Kyle & Mauricio would have acted the same way if the situation were reversed. Really? But Kyle & Mauricio agree, tell them they have their backs and let them know that Mauricio flat-out told Brandi she was wrong at dinner. Yes, that’s right. Kyle has Adrienne’s back always. Cut to Kyle telling us that she feels stuck in the middle being friends with them both. But Adrienne is ready to move on. If Brandi has anything to say to her, she should just say it to her face. Lovely sentiment, Adrienne, but what about the meeting of the lawyers you’ve called for Friday? How is that moving on?
Hablan Ingles Ahora!
Yolanda still helps her ex, Mohammad, decorate the insane mansions he builds. And they are insane. She says that when she stopped modeling she would tag along with Mohammed while he was developing the Ritz Carlton Hotels. Not a bad gig.
Man, Yolanda really spins my head. One minute I’m like she’s so awesome helping the workers carry the plants inside. The next minute I’m like she’s so smug and preachy telling one of the workers that he needs to learn English. She learned it so he can learn it. First of all lady, who are you to speak to another human that way? Second of all, coming to America as a model is quite a different situation. Third of all, why shame someone publicly? I don’t get it. Why can no one pull anyone aside and have a private conversation? Eh, why do I even bother? And speaking of bothering, Yolanda plans to invite the girls to this amazing estate with hopes that they’ll behave themselves. Ha, that’s hilarious.
Strange Things Are Afoot
Great, more psychics bringing more revelations. This time it’s in Kim’s house. She feels like she has a ghost in her house and would like some clarity on that. Psychic Sue – sorry I missed her name – says, first-off, that the spirits of Kim’s future grandchildren are running around her room. This is crazy, even for Kim. There is also the spirit of a woman who sits on the edge of her bed watching over her. That ain’t cool. Kim slurs something about how the spirits in her house make her not want to leave. Now, when you say spirits, are we talking ghosts or Jack Daniels? Sure sounds like the latter right about now.
In her living room, Kim says she sees hearts floating around her. The psychic says that this is because there is a portal here. That’s it. I’m moving to Beverly Hills and becoming either a psychic or a life coach. Or a psychic life coach. I mean the things people get paid to do in the BH is amazing… I wish I had known when I was living there. Woulda saved me a lot of time.
Every time we see one of Mohamed’s houses, I’m blow away. They’re just insane. How does any one person have this much money? And how is this one person not me? Yolanda comes to the house with her & Mohammad’s two daughters to have a look around. Mohamed wants Yolanda to finish decorating the house. And he wants the girls to stop slouching. Also there are olive trees in the backyard. And that whole scene happened… What for? I guess we’re all better for knowing that they’re still a happy family? OK…
Aw shit, it’s Faye. And they’re in a store full of mannequins. Why? Oh, Kyle is opening a west coast location of a store she loves in Boca Raton. Ha, I’ve been to this store she loves. It’s so…. her. And so… Boca. Faye will be designing the store, because she has design style which you’re either born with it or you’re not. You know, I seriously don’t care about a single word that comes out of her mouth. Forgive me if I don’t pay much mind to the selection of mannequins.
Brandi meets Marisa, her husband Dean and her brother Paul for dinner. Paul promises a drama-free dinner. Dude, you never say it out loud! You’ll curse it. Housewives rules. Brandi asks Dean what he’s working on. He says two indie films that will probably shoot in Europe. Marisa would prefer that he works on a big studio film that will pay him tons of money and give them lots of perks. Yeah, forget about what makes him happy. Just make money. Please don’t be a shallow ass too, Marisa. We had so much potential to be friends.
Brandi makes a crude joke at the table, and for a change, no one is gasping and clutching their pearls. I think Brandi’s found her peeps. She says she was invited to Vegas to host an event called “Brandi’s Night School For Girls” where she teaches girls how to find their sexy. She’s invited Lisa & Yolanda. She’d like Marisa to go too. Marisa’s in, which is awesome because she could totally use some time alone. She does know her husband is sitting at the table, right?
Just Dipping A Toe
Brandi calls Kyle before this evening’s art gallery event to make sure that she & Mauricio are in a good place with her. Kyle says it’s all good though she was taken aback by her calling her husband a motherf**ker. But she doesn’t hold grudges so she’s ready to move forward as well. I’m thinking that might have a been a good time to apologize for calling Mauricio an MF’er, Brandi… even if he was behaving like one.
Daniel Maltzman is an artist and gallery owner having an opening in his new space in Beverly Hills. Lisa & Ken show up with their exit plan already in place; dinner at 8:30. Yolanda arrives and immediately sees a piece she likes. Daniel tells her it’s $14k. She says no it’s not. But before we can wheel & deal, Kyle walks in clearly coming straight from a “Let’s Get Physical” costume party. What in the hell was she thinking with that headband?
OK, back to the negotiations. Yolanda says she was really drawn to the painting and would like it as a Father’s Day gift for David, but $14k is too much. You have a separate refrigerator for your fruit & veggies and an entire orchard in your backyard. $14k for you is the equivalent of a Big Mac & fries to me. But I do appreciate an artful – no pun intended – negotiation, so carry on. The artist wants to know what she thinks is fair. She says half. He almost passes out. She says so many people will see it and she’s a decorator, which if he’s reading between the lines means she could buy more down the road. He says he can do $8500. I would have said $10k, but what do I know about art other than what I learned on Gallery Girls… which is nothing. Ultimately, they settle on $8k. I really think he could have gotten $10k and hearing Yolanda say he’s a great artist but not a great negotiator, I definitely think he could have gotten $10k. Or maybe $12k.
Brandi invites Kyle to Vegas because she’s feeling optimistic about their friendship. Kyle is leery at first, but then Brandi says the magic words: Four Seasons. Kyle’s in! How’s that for getting Adrienne’s back? Now you’re going to Vegas with her enemy and at a competitive hotel. Nice. Do you not remember Pandora’s bachelorette party and that whole mess?
Now entering the party Mauricio and Paris Hilton… though not together. Oh, Kyle’s daughter Farrah is there too. Kyle tells Paris that she’s going to Vegas. Paris says she’s going to Brazil for a concert where she’s closing for Jennifer Lopez. OK, I’ve been in music for a dozen years and have never heard of closing for an artist. Do people stay for this? OK, I just looked it up. Makes more sense now. It’s a pop music festival and Paris is DJ-ing a set at the end. With you now.
Wow, Marisa doesn’t really like to give her husband or marriage much credit. She is telling Taylor that she doesn’t think her husband is that sexy. She’s been looking at him for so long that she doesn’t see it anymore, but he’s so in love with her so she’s lucky. They met when she was 20 and that was too young. She wishes she would have waited to get married. Yikes. You know this is being filmed, right? Although I have a feeling she’s not afraid to say these things in front of him. Brandi tells us that Marisa throwing her husband under the bus is not cool. Gotta agree with you there. But everyone’s marriage is different. Right?
And in other news, Mauricio gives Ken a bottle of gin that tastes amazing and would look great on his bar. Did he come with the bottle of gin? Ken wonders if it’s a peace offering. Seems a logical conclusion. Mauricio thinks Ken is still holding a little bit of a grudge. Also a logical conclusion. Lisa comes to collect Ken for dinner and gives Mauricio the cold shoulder. Guess they’re both still holding grudges. Hey maybe Mauricio can use that amazing strategy he told us all about. You know where you pick up a phone and apologize. Try it out.
Rachel: Wow, that was long. And painful. I feel like I need to curl up into the fetal position with my baby bottle of wine and make it all go away.