One Sentence Summary: Back in ATL and almost nothing is left to the imagination… Unfortunately.
Rachel: I’m so happy to be done with Anguilla. I prefer my Atlanta Housewives in Atlanta. And I prefer to just be done with the “will he or won’t he” Kenya drama. I understand that it’s not going end just because they leave the islands, but the whole “this is the moment” storyline is played. Though I would love it if Kandi was proposed to on this trip as it would just push Kenya careening over the edge… or twirling over the edge… Either way, it would be awesome.
Melissa: Apologies to all, last week did get a write-up, so here’s a quickie recap: So last week we had Miss America still wanting a ring from her non-boyfriend Walter who decided to set the record straight that he has no plans to wed the crazy one any time soon, causing a Kenya meltdown because in her mind they should be heading down the aisle any minute now. Also, who could forget NeNe!! Ah NeNe… I love your twirly-whirly imitation of Kenya! That was brialliant. Also, pulling out her stripper moves on the beach? Awesome! Have I mentioned yet that I’m starting to like NeNe again? The fame aneurism NeNe would have never cracked a stripper joke… Recall her disgust with the stripper at Kandi’s party? I’m just saying, I appreciate her 180. Anywho, Anguilla came to an end with nothing adorning Miss America’s finger much to her dismay.
Testing for Crazy
Melissa’s What Happened: Ah, we’re back in ATL and NeNe and Kenya get a chance to catch up and debrief Anguilla. NeNe thinks Kenya’s delusional and needs to get down to whether she’s real or not. I’d like to get down with that Martini NeNe’s sipping on – just saying. Kenya explains to NeNe that she doesn’t get along with Porsha and in her mind, she would forgive and move on… With one eye on a bitch. Switching gears NeNe brings up Walter, and Kenya says he was aggressive with her and she doesn’t appreciate it. Um, if anyone got aggressive honey it was that full court press for a ring. I’m thinking it was his fight or flight instinct that kicked in. NeNe thinks that maybe Kenya just wants a baby and is willing to help her out with homeboy down the street and a turkey baster. Ah NeNe… I’ve missed you so!! Kenya says she’s not crazy that Walter has asked her ring size and where their kids should go to school. Yeah, this is the same man who hasn’t seen your back yard, yet you’re talking rings and kids. I think someone is hearing exactly what she wants to hear. I’m thinking he was talking about a sweat ring from a glass on a table and she heard let’s go engagement ring shopping soon.
Rachel: What is NeNe doing hanging with Kenya? Ahhh… taking the crazy temperature. BTW, hate those sunglasses NeNe. Hate. They’re far too big for your face. Wait, when was Walter aggressive to Kenya? What am I missing here? I mean he told your ass to get on the bus and be gone with the wind, which we know you can do, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t fall into the aggressive category. Of course, I’m sitting here trying to use logic when we’re talking about Kenya, which might make me the crazy one. But I’m loving NeNe taking Kenya to lunch for her own entertainment purposes
Desserts and Drinks
Melissa’s What Happened: Holy desserts at Porsha’s house!! I’ll hang with this girl and sip champers and snack on some cakes. Cynthia stops by to hang and they toast to peace, love and happiness. Finally Kandi arrives for their little visit as well. I have to agree with the ladies that the house is beautiful. Too bad Porsha doesn’t even know how many bedrooms she has in her home… That she decorated. I’m thinking sweetie you count the number of beds you bought when you were decorating. Oh Lord, there she goes again on the yams for twins. And in the role of Captain Obvious is Kandi points out that if it’s a small village maybe it’s just genetic. Oh, but they are 2 separate families so it’s the yams at work… The magical twins yams. Kandi confesses she would be interested in having more kids regardless of Riley not wanting her to “do the things you need to have them”. Oh Riley, you are too cute! Todd is asking about engagement and rings? Oh please, I want Kandi to get married and live her happily ever after. Before I can even start thinking about how awesome a wedding that would be, talk turns to Kenya’s marriage obsession.
Rachel: Oh here comes this brain surgeon again. This girl drives me up a wall. How do you not know how many bedrooms you have in your house? I mean it’s big but it’s not that big that you just forget about some rooms over in the west wing. Then again, we are talking about the girl that thinks there are 265 days in a year. Oh, and thinks that eating yams will make her have twins because of a village in Africa. Yeah, Porsha, you are the test dummy. You’re the everything dummy. So it’s not surprising that the Kenya & Walter situation is puzzling. Then again, it’s puzzling to us all
Get Down To Business
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh boy, it’s Kenya helping Phaedra and Apollo with the workout video. Yeah, I’m thinking the first thing she’s going to suggest is that someone oil down Apollo and she’ll take one for the team and do it. You know, so he looks better on camera. Kenya’s sell is that there are no African American videos focused on building the butt. OK, she does sound somewhat intelligent in her discussion of how to get the product to market especially with Phaedra declaring money is no object. Um, did you run that one buy the hubs? I’m sure he might have a little input into that opinion. Phaedra hasn’t gone down the naming of the video route, and since Kenya’s time is valuable, she expects Phaedra to be more on the ball. Kenya brings in her latest movie The Confidant autographed for Phaedra naturally. She’s the queen of getting things autographed, I guess that’s her name dropping approach. Of course she’s also in this one and they should watch it and see her role playing. Speaking of role playing she asks if Phaedra and Apollo like to role play. Say what woman? You’re going to get yourself cut with that behavior. Looks like Apollo and Phaedra are already having artistic differences on the video and how long it should be and what the content should be. Careful you two, no arguing in front of Kenya, she’s already looking for a route to a half nekkid Apollo… She’s definitely going to suggest oiling now!
Rachel: This is the most hilarious business conversation I’ve ever heard… the business of building posteriors. But I will give Kenya some props here because she actually has some really good advice for them. On the other side, someone should have told Phaedra that you never say “money is no object” to a producer. I say this being a producer in my other life. I think I’d fall over if someone said that to me. Then I’d start spending money. Why is Kenya so interested in Phaedra & Apollo’s sex life? And why hasn’t Phaedra put her in her place yet? Phaedra, I expect more than that of you. And by the way, is there even an actual work-out yet?
The Bailey Diet
Melissa’s What Happened: Ah, look at Cynthia grocery shopping with just a little hand basket. THAT’S how she keeps that figure! Shop for a week with just a basket. Hmmm, maybe I should introduce that as a diet trend. I could make millions!! I digress, Peter spies a blog saying that Phaedra and Apollo are headed for divorce. Hang on now, Apollo is always in the strip clubs? According to Peter though in the South that’s just like an office. Um, beg your pardon? I’ve had a few meetings in the South, and they were never in a strip club. I hope these rumors are false because I would hate to see Phaedra and Apollo breakup. Cynthia also chimes in that on vacation Kenya and Apollo seemed a little too excessively friendly. Well, we all know Kenya was. Anyway, Tables are turned on Peter when Cynthia asks when he was last at a strip club. Um, the day before yesterday. He claims it’s a place to go and hang out with the boys, getting a lap dance by a completely naked woman. It’s just atmosphere for them. Oh sweet Mary Cynthia, don’t suggest they all go to the dtrip club on a double date. That’s just courting disaster.
Rachel: Hmm….. I’m hoping these rumors of Apollo & Phaedra splitting aren’t true, but it sure seems like a cold front has blown in with the two of them. Now, I know marriage isn’t all sunshine and roses all the time… well, I hear at least… so maybe they’ve just hit a rough patch and it’s nothing to worry about. I have to admit that I don’t understand why women have a problem with men in strip clubs. I mean it’s all fantasy and all part of being a man. They come home to you. And if they don’t, the strip club isn’t the reason. Cynthia just agreed to go to a strip club and get a lap dance? This I can’t wait to see.
What’s All The Noise?
Melissa’s What Happened: Here we go, the showdown lunch. Kenya has been avoiding Walter since the trip, but now needs to have a sit down to understand what’s going on. She feels like they were on the same page and went for the walk on the beach and discussed they should elope and to her it was perfect, then Walter backed down. She felt blindsided about his reaction to Peter’s remark that they only had a few hours left. He was blindsided by hearing she was talking about getting married to everyone on the trip. Her comeback for it all was that she felt intimidated by him. Again, I’m going to say if there was any intimidation, it was her. She goes on that his behavior was intimidating and it made her feel abused again. So, let me get this straight, you feel like his words were intimidating and abusive, yet you still want to be with him and get married? Girl, if you don’t have a place in your heart for such nonsense, you need to head right on out the door with your Gone With The Wind Fabulous twirl, not beg him for a ring!! Oh, sorry, where did that soap box come from? So her approach apparently is that regardless of how abusive she thought he was, within the next 6 months she needs to be a wife. Well, at least Walter tells her he loves her, but doesn’t want to feel pressured to marry her. If they aren’t working toward marriage, he needs to tell her that. He’s not in love enough to go with her and get married that day. Well girl, you heard it from the man’s mouth. Get yourself gone and stop pretending you’ve been deceived and move on.
Rachel: I understand Kenya wanting answers, but methinks she has been getting them and just refusing to listen. You can keep asking him the same question over and over, doesn’t mean you’re going to get a different answer. Is she really yelling at him that he’s not allowed to get upset with her, but she can storm off in the middle of lunches and dinners as if it’s no big deal? Oh, that doesn’t work. How he is still sitting at the table is beyond. And speaking of the table, where the hell are they? Some janky bakery with display cases buzzing so loud you think they’re blow the entire electrical circuit of a city block. This girl needs to go and have her ears checked because she hasn’t heard a damn word he’s said. And I’m wondering how long before he feels his business has had enough publicity and he blows this popsicle stand all-together.
Melissa’s What Happened: OK, so there’s some blessing and prayer happening at Kandi’s. Ah, they’re giving the house back to the Lord. Got it. I guess Phaedra decided to bring over her pastor under the guise of blessing the house so she can raise the question of when the wedding will be. Come on Phaedra, you know I love you, but you need to back off. What’s with these ladies? At least Todd can quick step and hope there’s a housewarming before the wedding bells. Good on you Kandi not wanting to pressure Todd. Phaedra confesses there are a lot of days where she wants to kill her hubs. Sheesh Phaedra. I mean you’re preaching to the choir over here, but you also need to not scare off poor Todd with your marriage crazy. I like that Pastor man tells them to go at their own pace.
Rachel: Why is everyone so obsessed with marriage tonight? I almost feel like I need to sign-off and start cruising the dating sites so I don’t get left behind. Oh here we go, all the issues Phaedra has with Apollo. She opened her mouth and it all came pouring out. Anyone else think she was dying to let that out?
Hot Tub Time
Melissa’s What Happened: Dear Lord woman what is on your head?? Sorry, I was distracted by that headband. I guess this is the spot for these two to break down the trip. Kordell likes all of the men including Peter who he calls so dark he’s Blurple. Which, I gotta say cracked me up. I love when the husbands get a small moment to show people who they are. He wants to understand how things went with Kenya, and she needs to protect herself, and she can’t let everyone in until they prove their worth. Porsha says it’s not her style to come at Kenya hard, so she’s going to let it all happen. Unlike her letting babies happen with the crazy twin talk. I have to say, I have friends who had twins and it’s not all magical dancing with unicorns time. It’s divide and conquer. At least he tries to reel her in with whatever they’re blessed with. Until they have to go and ruin the mood with sex talk. Why must everyone talk of their sex lives? Just go and do what you need, get your freak on and just don’t share it.
Rachel: I will never understand the beads around the head like you’re Cleopatra look. I especially don’t understand it when you’re in a hot tub out in the sun. That’s a bad tan line waiting to happen. Ha! Kordell just called Peter “blurple”. That’s hilarious. This is the genius of these shows. Someone tries to sell themselves as righteous and… cue tape… not so much.
Making it Rain
Melissa’s What Happened: Headed off to the club, Peter tells Cynthia not to worry, they have enough money to make it drizzle. HA! This MUST be the funny significants week. OK, I’m also going to call this a not such a good idea. Just putting it out there. Especially if there are issues in a marriage. You don’t poke the marriage bear taking with strip club marriage counseling. Wait… Hang on now… What the hell kind of strippers are going on in this chicken coup?? OK, maybe this is a safe environment for the boys to chill at on a weekly basis. Note to self… The Clermont Lounge must be treated it like the sun. You must never look directly at it! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!! I was at first distracted by the dixie cup shot glasses, but after seeing the “strippers” I’m thinking you want your drinks out of a disposable cup! WTF is happening there? For real Phaedra, this is the original strip club, with the original dancers! Apollo tells Cynthia and Peter he enjoys spending time outside of normal hours and somehow that includes strip clubs. I’m really not sure what the hell he said to be honest, but it was something to the effect that it’s OK for him to got to strip clubs because he’s living outside normal boundaries. Hell, I still don’t understand, but whatever. He thinks they lost a sense of who they are, and Phaedra has gotten bitter and she’s turning into a different person. OK, seriously why is it that men decide they need to go back to the way things were? Move on, you can’t live in the past, just embrace where you are and enjoy. Apollo feels at the end of the day he needs his out and Peter is trying desperately to distract himself from the conversation by watching the show which apparently has officially turned him off of strip clubs.
Rachel: Oh here we go. Time to make it rain! Or drizzle as Peter puts it. Good thing Cynthia wore a rubber dress so she can just hose herself down at the end of the evening. Sweet Mary! How old is that stripper? I mean it’s not for me to judge, but these ladies aren’t exactly the stuff of fantasies. Was this the only club that would allow filming? Wow, it’s the stripper retirement club. Apparently you have to be eligible for your social security to be a stripper here. And seriously, how many times do you need to show me the wobbly bits in a string bikini bottom? And how on earth did those ass cheeks pass censors? Well, I sure am feeling pretty good about myself right now. Someone needs to tell Apollo that, just because you string a lot of words together and say them with authority and passion, it doesn’t mean they make sense or are particularly deep. There’s also that whole thing about maybe having this conversation in private with your wife before you have it with your friends, in front of your wife… and the senior strippers. Sounds like Apollo isn’t liking having to a grown-up. Probably should have thought about that before you got married and had a baby. So take your diaper off and quit crying. Methinks you’ve had it pretty easy the last few years.
Melissa’s What Happened: Ebony magazine has asked NeNe to pose for the cover of their Power 100 issue. Good on you NeNe, what I don’t understand is why did it get all Playboy-ish? I mean in the tub? Anyway, props to your NeNe let’s keep it from going to your head this time around.
Rachel: Look at NeNe in her “I’m Rich, Bitch” dress. Love it. Ebony’s Power 100 is quite the achievement. I’m happy for her, and that’s saying a lot considering I couldn’t stand her a year ago.
Letting It All Out
Melissa’s What Happened: Hey, look it’s Bar One. I almost forgot Peter had a bar. Cynthia is launching some line, but I’m assuming it’s wine since all we see are shots of wine in glasses. Out come the shots to take the edge off of the wine Cynthia is now hawking. Seems the gang is all there, with the exception of NeNe who is out in LA. The ladies raise a toast to Cynthia for all she has going on. Kenya finally arrives without Walter while the boys are off drinking their shots of tequila. Apollo was confined 16 months without being outside while he was in jail? Hang on now, what earns you solitary confinement for 16 months? Wasn’t he there for insider trading? I’m confused. Anyway, he shares with the men how he opted for trash duty to get time outside and feel free.
Menawhile, Kandi asks Kenya about Walter and tries to sense check her urgency for kids. Oh hey now look who strolled in and completely walked past Kenya… Walter. Of course Sleuth Cynthia is all over “something ain’t right”. So they boys check in with Walter and he shares he doesn’t understand why Kenya is pressuring him about marriage.
So Walter finally makes his way over to Kenya and says his hellos to the crew while Kandi says they seem strange. I’m with you Kandi. Kenya is over him strolling in and not saying anything to her for 10 minutes. Porsha decides while Kenya is already pissed she might as well start shit and ties to confront her about their conversations and relationship. Kenya tells her she doesn’t see them having a friendship and strolls past dismissing the conversation. Cynthia tells Porsha she can’t expect anyone to have class and if that’s how Kenya is going to be, there’s nothing to be done about it. Kordell also tries to tell her to let it go as well. You’d think with so many people telling you to walk away you would.
Man, the boys are still having shots and Peter brings up the blog rumors about divorce with Apollo and Phaedra. Apollo can’t handle Phaedra’s always being on. Well my dear, she’s trying to make her money, and to do that you have to be “on” 24/7. Phaedra tries to tell the ladies there’s nothing to the rumors, and then there was some “you can howl at the moon, but the moon don’t howl back” comment that I don’t quite understand so I’ll just chalk up to being a Yankee. Apollo heads over to ask Phaedra about the rumors and once they agree all is good licks her in the mouth. No, for real, that was a full on lick. I think the collective ‘ew’ from the ladies have them agreeing with me. No need to see that craziness! Get a room kids. Oh Apollo, I don’t need to think about you being porn stars in the bedroom. That’s just wrong.
Rachel: Um, I have no idea what we’re celebrating. Does Cynthia have her own wine now? Why don’t I have my own wine? And can someone tell Kandi about VPLs and why they are not good. Ever. Wait wait wait… What did Apollo go to jail for again? I thought it was some kind of non-violent fraud-type crime. You mean to tell me that a non-violent offender spends 16 months inside a cell without leaving it? I mean I’m not exactly familiar with the penal codes, but I have seen quite a few episodes of Locked Up, and that seems kinda crazy. It also explains why Apollo isn’t trying to be “confined” by strict rules of marriage.
Boy, Walter couldn’t less want to be in the presence of Kenya. And would this be the best moment for you to roll up on her, Porsha? I’m going with no. Kenya is also going with no. And calling Kenya “sweetheart” doesn’t really help your situation. Kordell is correct. You just have to let this go already. There’s no reasoning with the unreasonable, and Kenya is the queen of unreasonable. Ask Walter.
Look at Peter with the football references to try and impress Kordell. But I’m liking the point he’s making. And good on Apollo for getting up and going over to love on his wife. Well, I could have done without the tongue action, thanks. I was already traumatized enough by the strippers.
Rachel: I might need a little something special to sleep tonight after that assault on my eyes. Thanks, Bravo. Happy new year to you too.
Melissa: Yeah, pretty much need to bleach my eyes after all I’ve seen with this episode. I feel so dirty. So. Very. Dirty.