One Sentence Summary - Season 3 comes to end with Leslie being accused of lying like in Season 2… and Season 1…
Rachel: Another Big Rich Texas season comes to an end tonight. So, what have learned this time around? One, that for a self-proclaimed smart person, Leslie isn’t that smart. Between falling for the stress-induced UTI story to thinking she could file a police report… er incident report on Jason and still be friends with Bonnie, she really reinforced the blonde stereotype. Two, we learned that a dude named Booger who makes a living shoving metal bars through people’s bodies, can actually be a stand-up dude. Three, Jason still doesn’t have possession of his balls. And four, this show really needs Pam back. I mean she may have done some seriously underhanded things in her time, but it was always delivered with the most awesomely biting humor that you kinda just had to love her. Besides, every good show needs a good villain and none of these other women hold a candle. Melissa folded like a cheap lawn chair after episode 2. Cha Cha is the absolute wrong kind of villain. And I still can’t get past Cindy and the Yip Yip factor to give her the title. So bring back Pam. And while you’re at it, bring back Heidi. Dallas just isn’t the same without the champagne & tiaras. For real.
Melissa: I have to admit it’s with mixed emotions that I am tuning in tonight. I mean it feels like the season with the Texas ladies flew by and I’m sad to see them go, but I’m also going into tonight with fingers crossed we get an appearance by Heidi or Pam. I mean it’s almost evil we’ve not seen even a passing glimpse of those awesome ladies. I’m also going into tonight a few cups in thanks to dinner with the in-laws and a generous pourer in my MIL, “Would you like another glass of wine, Melissa?” I mean it’s almost rude to say no thank you when she so graciously offers right? I want to be a good DIL and keep peace in the family, so of course I’m going to say yes… Twice. Anywho, let’s send the Texas chicas off with a bang tonight!!
My Enemy’s Enemy Is My Friend
Rachel: Hey look, Cindy’s day drinking! Who woulda thunk it? And who’s that at the bar with her? It’s her new BFF Bonnie! That’s right. Forget all that silliness with Cindy trying to hit on Jason. That’s so five minutes ago. Bonnie’s got bigger fish to fry now, and today’s catch is named “Leslie”. Cindy wants to know why she’s getting warned about Leslie, and Bonnie is more than happy to tell her.
Seems Leslie told Connie who told Bonnie that Cindy has been to rehab twice and was close to losing custody Alex. Follow that? Good. Needless to say, Cindy doesn’t take the news too well, though I don’t think she’s in any danger of anyone mistaking her as someone that was in rehab. Bonnie is sorry she had to be the one to tell her, but she thought she deserved to know. Yeah, I almost believe that, Bonnie. You love that you’re the one that had to tell her. But Cindy will talk to Leslie and get the truth straight up. As for her drinks, those she prefers on the rocks.
Melissa: I love these ladies day-drinking at the club!! That’s why I loves my club! Oh snap, Leslie told Connie that Cindy went to rehab? Damn, there is gonna be a big old can of whoop ass opened over that one.
Bland White Girls
Rachel: Melissa is casting models for her upcoming fashion show where she will be showing off her new line of cover-ups. She is looking for models with confidence who aren’t just “bland white girls”. I’m sorry but that just made me laugh. Bland white girls? Sounds like a bad pop band. And as the girls start rolling in, it’s quite the assortment of types so no worries there. The first girl that has your typical “swimsuit model” body dismisses Melissa with an “eh” when she jokingly asks if she can have her body. Poor thing must be so terribly tired of everyone fawning all over her. I’m not saying someone should trip her on her way out, but I’m not saying they shouldn’t either.
In the end, Melissa has her models but thinks she needs one more to be her back-up because she doesn’t feel ready to be on the runway. Wait, what happened to Six-Pack Magee, your personal trainer? You get too personal? Maddie thinks she should do it to show all the old women like her that they can still wear a bathing suit in public. And we were getting along so well, Maddie. And for the record, I think Melissa is gorgeous and should just rock the runway.
Melissa: What are we casting? Oh right, swimsuits… this should be awesome for my psyche right now. Yeah, this and the lovely harsh lights this weekend at the department store, I’m about to start staring myself. Well, that’s after I finish this next glass of wine… and a few pieces of chocolate.
Rachel: Mama Bonnie shows up at Casa Boogs with a giant bottle of rum. Well, a giant bottle for her and a smaller one for Whitney. Guess you gotta work up to a gallon a day habit. While they waste the day away shooting pool & drinking rum, Whitney tells Bonnie that she heard about a European tradition called a “man-gagement”, where the man also wears an engagement ring. This, apparently, will help keep the bitches away. Well, if we’re strictly talking bitches, I have to warn you that sometimes the ring makes a man more attractive. Perhaps you’ve heard a little ditty by one Kim Zolciak entitled “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing”? She’s not talking about the ring around his collar. But if you wanna put a ring on it, go for it.
Whitney also tells Bonnie that she’s mad at Jason for walking out on her proposal. Bonnie says he was just trying to not say anything that would ruin it for her and he’s just trying to protect her happiness. Meh, he’s just being a jerk. Oh and here’s a little nugget of information: Bonnie & Jason were engaged after less than 6 months of dating. Anyway, Jason better get on board right quick since Miss Whitney has recently announced, via Twitter, that there will be a Booger Jr. joining the world. I wonder how old Baby Mayhem will be before getting his or her first dermal.
Melissa: I love that they always hang out in the kitchen… I’m convinced they have no furniture in the house, so they just sit in the kitchen. Oh, they prove me wrong! DAMN!! They have a pool table in the living room! Awesome. Here’s another thing. Whitney is so much prettier when she isn’t all made up over the top. Just my two cents, and well that’s why we have this blog so I can toss that out whenever I want.
Rachel: Time to revisit Kalyn’s “life coach”. And yes, heretoforth, “life coach” will always be in quotes. Kalyn says that she really had a great visit with her dad and feels like her life has taken a more positive trajectory since she started seeing her “life coach”. Yeah, it’s amazing how much better your life can be when you’re not getting advice from nutters like Leslie. She is also feeling giddy about Paul. Her feelings are growing everyday and she likes that his happiness is growing as well because of her. Yeah, that sounded way less conceited coming out of Kalyn’s mouth than my fingers, but you know me, I can be bothered to wordsmith it so it sounds better.
Melissa: For real, this therapist, er, life coach’s voice is crazy. Can’t we just call her a therapist at this point? I mean, just from what I’m seeing, that’s pretty much a therapy, if you ask me. Here we go with the Paul conversation. I think Kalyn likes Paul because she thinks he’s gonna be her sugar daddy.
Rachel: FYI, one of our fabulous readers was kind enough to let us know last week that you don’t actually need a degree or any kind of training to call yourself a “life coach”. You just need to be able to nod your head while someone talks then charge them money for the advice you give in return. And as I told her, I’m taking patients for all time slots starting now.
Rachel: Leslie shows up all smiles for a lunch date with Cindy. And by lunch, I mean drink. Well, I guess if you throw an olive in there, it could be lunch. Anyway, Cindy is nervous about confronting Lesile, who clearly is clueless as to what is about to go down.
Cindy wastes no time getting right to it and asks if Leslie has been spreading rumors. I wonder if Leslie ever gets to enjoy an entire meal? To that end, I wonder if she ever gets to actually order a meal. There’s usually drama before the menus even come. Anywho, Leslie says that’s absolutely not true. As if she was going to say, “Why yes, Cindy. I have been telling everyone you went to rehab. Wanna split the crab cakes?” Cindy says she’s very selective with her friends (and by selective she means Jack, Johnny & Jim) and she was hurt to think Leslie would do that. Leslie can’t imagine why her cousin Connie would say such a thing. Probably because she doesn’t like you, cousin or not. But she’s going to get to the bottom of this & prove to Cindy that she’s trustworthy. Uh, I think you are at the bottom of it, but go on with your bad self, Sherlock.
Melissa: Come on Cindy, of course Leslie is going to deny what she said. That’s what she does. Um Leslie, Connie would say it because you probably said it to her. Awesome Leslie, get all “who spread these rumors” Inspector Gadget on them.
Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves
Rachel: Cha Cha has finished her first project and takes Melissa & Connie to check it out. The ladies are proud of Cha Cha because sisters need to be doing it for themselves. Speaking of which, Melissa will need an after-party thrown for her fashion show and hopes that Cha Cha has time for it. Of course she does. She’s there to support! I swear they’re about to break out into “I’m Every Woman.”
Melissa: Look at her… D has her first finished project. Place looks good. Is it a spec house or did someone pay her for that work?
Growing Up Ain’t Easy
Rachel: Wait, Whitney just went grocery shopping in her mom’s pantry? You know, I so want to like her. And sometimes I think I’m almost there and then she does asinine things like this that make it really hard to like her. Maybe it’s more that I like Booger so I want to like Whitney so I don’t feel like he’s going to get dicked over. Yeah, that’s more reasonable.
After Whit gets a few random things from the cupboard, she tells Jason she has a pickle to pick with him. Uh, I don’t think that’s what you’re meaning to say. That sounds like a totally different undertaking. She wants to know why he didn’t give Booger his blessing to ask Whitney to marry him. Jason just doesn’t think Boogs is marriage material. Record scratch…. What? Wait, I thought you didn’t think they had been together long enough. What’s this all about? I can tell you that he’s more marriage material than any other guy that’s rolled through there. Exhibit A: Tyler.
Jason is concerned about Booger’s ability to support them. Whitney says that Jason only made $400 a month when he & Bonnie got married. Booger makes that in a week! Record scratch, take two… What? I hope to hell that Booger makes more than that a week if he’s living in that pad and paying for Whitney’s lifestyle (aka Mercedes). No wonder there’s no furniture other than a pool table and a bed. Whitney approved of Jason and Jason should approve of Booger. But none of that matters, because Bonnie agrees with Whitney and we all know that she wears the pants – and the balls – in the family.
Melissa: Whitney goes to her mom’s house to shop? This is not shocking. Her behavior is insane. Oh, and now you’re going to go at your Dad about why he’s not supporting your engagement. Sweet Mary, this family is crazy. Come on Whitney, you don’t need their money? Who the hell are you kidding?
Rachel: Are we seriously only 20 minutes into this show? How is it possible that every week, I look up at the 20 minute mark and can’t believe I’m not about to see end credits roll.
Kalyn & Paul are taking a little stroll through a park discussing how much they enjoy spending time together after dating for a solid three weeks. She just makes him really happy and so, with that, he was wondering if she would marry him. Yep, he’s fully on bended knee with a diamond ring. OK, this is insane. She’s 19! Let her grow up, you freak. Seriously, I can’t decide if this is more or less creepy than her relationship with Tyler. I’m teetering on more. I mean I get being all swept away by puppy love at her age. But at his age? He really ought to be the grown up here because he’s actually the only grown up here! I understand Kalyn & Whitney having competing engagements might make for good TV, but this is too much. Oh, do I need to tell you that she said “yes”? No, I don’t.
Side bar: Did anyone just see that ad for Built? Uh, sign me up! Male models who remodel. Bless you, whoever you are that came up with this little piece of genius.
Melissa: Oh look it’s Kalyn and her creepy boyfriend. Wait, they have been dating for 3 weeks and she’s all ga-ga over him? Hang on, and he’s going to get down on one knee? OK, back up the bus. Are you kidding, Captain Creepy? You don’t ask someone to marry you after 3 weeks, let alone asking a 19 year-old. That’s just so completely ridiculous that I can’t even put into words. I mean ‘ew, gross” factor aside, this is just insane. You are 28 and dating a girl for 3 weeks who just had her prom! I need another drink!
I’m Going Back To The Start
Rachel: Ok, I’m going to have to have a long talk with myself for quoting Coldplay as the title of this section. That’s not cool.
Anyway, Whitney takes Booger back to that lovely stretch of highway where she first flagged him down because she thought he was hot. Yes, freeway stalking is always the start to a good romance… or episode of Dateline. But it worked out for the two of them which is why Whitney is getting down on one knee & asking him to wear a ring too. I hate to admit it, but that was damn cute. Yeah, I like them together. See, this is why I keep trying to like Whitney. I swear if she just got her spoiled ass shit together, she’d be a cool chick.
She tells Boogs that Jason still isn’t interested in being part of this holy union. Boogs is cool with it. Nothing will stop him from marrying his dream girl. So if they have to pay for their own wedding, that’s what they’ll do because he makes $400 a week! Let’s book the Four Seasons!
Melissa: Aw, that’s kind of cute, Whitney getting Boogs a man-gagement ring. HA, I do like these two.
Oh Happy Day
Rachel: Kalyn is buzzing around the kitchen like the cat that ate the canary, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Leslie. Well, the fact that Kalyn isn’t in bed should make you stand up and notice on its own. So when asked why so cheery, Kalyn flashes her engagement ring. Leslie is blown away… no, not by the fact that a grown-ass man just asked her teenage goddaughter to marry him, but by the fact that the diamond is real and it’s big. Priorities. And for the record, she’s not getting married because she’s knocked up. That’s right, we get to share the fact that she’s OTR, which is “on the rag” for those who, like Tyler, can’t quite suss that out.
Leslie says that Kalyn should wait until she’s 20 before she moves out and gets married. Kalyn isn’t trying to hear that. But overall, Leslie is happy for Kalyn and for herself, really, because it’s good news after all the drama from the club. Uh, this is not good news, but I’m not surprised Leslie doesn’t get it. Let’s be honest. She doesn’t get much.
Melissa: Yeah Leslie, she’s bright eyed and bushy tailed because she’s got a ring. Um, you think it’s a little fast Leslie? Really? You’re just pissed she got a ring before you did.
Rachel: Melissa and the girls are meeting to discuss her fashion show and party… and sip on a few cocktails of course. I don’t know what that is, but it looks delish. But I like anything topped off with champagne.
Once the signature drink is agreed on, it’s time for Cindy to get down to business and figure out who started the rehab rumors. Connie says she heard it from Leslie the other night at dinner. She doesn’t have a history of lying, unlike Les-lie (good one, Connie) so they should know who’s telling the truth. But Cindy still isn’t 100% sure she can trust these ladies.
Melissa: Here we go with another signature drink. I think the Two Winey Bitches need a signature drink. We’ll call it The Bitch. Hmmm, now to get started on this. I think for New Years there needs to be a signature cocktail to ring in 2013. Well, that is if the Mayans screwed up and we’re not all dead and gone by then. I digress, Cindy needs to confront the rumor mill about the rehab story. Yeah, Connie isn’t going to take this too well.
Going Back To Jersey
Rachel: Leslie takes Kalyn & Paul to lunch to make sure they understand that there will be no wedding until Kalyn is 20. Way to put your foot down. Now that that’s settled, let’s talk about where in Dallas they’ll be living. Kalyn says Dallas is possible, and so is California or NY/NJ. Suddenly, Leslie has issues with this situation. Right, because if Kalyn left, it would affect you. Forget what’s best for her. Well, what’s best for her would to not be dating a 28-year-old.
Kalyn appreciates everything Leslie’s done for her, but there are a lot of reasons she doesn’t want to stay in Dallas and one of them is Whitney. Oh, let it go already. But Paul will do whatever she wants… and whatever she wants is what Leslie tells her she wants. But in the end, Leslie is an adult which is why she starts pouting and pretending she can’t hear anything Paul’s saying. Wow Leslie, you might be the most self-centered person in Texas… and most immature. You need to just own the fact that Kalyn is the only friend you have left & you’re terrified of losing that.
Melissa: I love that neither of these two jackasses thought about where they’re going to live other than Kalyn saying “where he goes I’m going to follow”. Um Leslie, using Tyler as an argument for her to stay might not be your best move… Hey, don’t forget your “brother that you slept with is here!!” I mean, I’m no Paul, but that might not be a ringing endorsement for me. Is it just me, or does Paul look like he’s wearing an undershirt that accidentally got washed in with his reds?
I Have Your Proof Right Here
Rachel: Time for Melissa’s big fashion show. She’s decided that she’s not going to model because it would be “unprofessional” so she’s sending her daughter down the runway instead. Yes, putting your 16-year-old in a swimsuit and sending her down the runway is far more professional. People start filing in and we actually get a glimpse of Grace, Connie’s daughter. Where ya been, Grace? You’ve come back just in time to watch your mother headline the final brawl of the season. Lucky girl.
The show’s about to start and Leslie makes her grand entrance for all the women to see. She says she didn’t want to go but she’s there to support Melissa and to clear her name from all these rumors. Gee, I’m wondering which is the bigger reason you’re there? For Melissa or for yourself? My money’s on the latter. Seems the rest of the ladies are putting their money there too as Cindy chooses to sit with Cha Cha over Leslie.
The show goes off without a hitch… minus the fact that they’re outside and it’s raining. I have to give Maddie credit, she worked the runway. I even liked her outfit. A lot of them were cute actually, though I don’t quite get the point of a cover-up that only covers one boob. But hey, what the hell do I know. Besides, it’s time to party… Which really is code for brawl.
But before we can tackle the rehab rumor issue, we have to figure out who’s paying for the Whit-Boog nuptials. Bonnie says she’s paying for it and it’s going to be epic. Whitney says no and won’t take her money. I give that about as long as it takes her to look up the prices of wedding dresses. But for now, she’s gonna play the role of Miss Independent. Have fun with that!
Oh and we also have to tackle Whitney being mad at Kalyn for stealing her engagement thunder from her. Told you this was coming… not that it was set-up or anything. No, I would never imply that. But Whitney isn’t happy and she needs to let Kalyn know. See, here’s the thing, Whitney. There was no thunder to be stolen until you started stomping around about it. Stop being such a brat. Two people can get engaged and still have people be just as happy for each of them. Kalyn has her big girl panties on and gives Whitney nothing so she stomps off to formulate a new way to piss off Kalyn. 0 for 2 there, Whit. Maybe it’s time to let the fight die; especially since you’re the only one fighting it.
Cindy finally acknowledges Leslie’s presence and tells her that she didn’t sit with her at the show because she’s still not sure what’s true. Well, good thing Leslie is there armed with the truth. That’s right, she went and got a polygraph test to prove that she’s not lying. You have to be kidding me. Who gave this test? Mr. Magoo? Just as Cindy agrees to read the results, Connie comes over to let Cindy know that Leslie has lied about so much that she’s a disgrace to their family. And with that, Connie loses her shit. I’ve never seen this side of Connie. She’s actually screaming and finger pointing. As she continues to scream about Leslie’s “stupid ass”, she rips the polygraph out of her hands. Leslie’s bodyguard, who is trying to just earn a paycheck, tries to get in the middle and break it up. What he actually ends up doing is punching his own client in the jaw. Ha, that was brilliant. I actually just watched that in slow motion…. twice. Even more amazing.
As Mr. Bad Shot takes Leslie out screaming, Kalyn manages to hold both Cha Cha and Connie back. Damn girl, maybe Leslie should hire you instead. Wait, what’s Cha Cha all fired up about? After Leslie leaves, the ladies manage to find the crumpled polygraph test on the ground. Whatever does it say? Seems we may never know. Or we just have to wait until the reunion in January.
Melissa: I love that Melissa towers over the other Housewives. It’s just funny as hell to watch. Ew, there’s Paul again. Wait, is the event outside with everyone holding their purses over their heads in the rain?
HA, love the Cindy snub of Leslie. I have to say though, this is kinda tame for these ladies. I was hoping they’d bring it for the finale, but I mean this is about as exciting as a mid-season episode. Where’s the excitement? Where’s the Big Texas finish??
So Bonnie is going to plan Whitney’s wedding? Yeah, so much for not using her parents money. I don’t see this lasting very long. I’m thinking Boogs is going to wise up and let his future MIL spend her coin for the “epic wedding”. Um Whitney, you need to let this shit go. Please don’t let Kalyn look like the more mature one. At least you aren’t engaged to a smarm 10 years older than you.
Leslie, you took a polygraph to prove you didn’t start the rumor? Um, really, that’s what you’re going with? You’re such an ass. And Connie, you need to take it down a notch. Sweet Mary these ladies are treating that “polygraph” like it’s the Shroud of Turin! Let us read the paper with the truth! Guess what… I’ll bet I can create a Marriage Certificate for myself and my boyfriend Ryan Reynolds (I’ve got mad photoshop skills). Will that make it true? Of course!! Meanwhile, poor Melissa. This was supposed to be her night and the ladies just screeched all over it.
Rachel: You know, I don’t trust a BRT cliffhanger. Last year, we had the big Fashionista cliffhanger and you know what we got the next season? No resolution, no Pam and no Heidi. So, I’m calling shenanigans on this one two. But we get two whole reunion specials to work this all out. Joy.
Melissa: I can’t believe we had a whole season without Heidi or Pam.