Real Housewives of Atlanta – Season 5, Week 6: Hold on to Your Weave

One Sentence Summary:  Anguilla suffers Boobs, Booze and Booties from the ATL folks… Poor Anguilla.

Our Thoughts:

I can't believe it's trip time again.  At least the crazy wigged one isn't here.

I can’t believe it’s trip time again. At least the crazy wigged one isn’t here.

Rachel:  It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  No, not because it’s Hanukkah and I’m stuffed to the eyeballs with latkes and brisket… though that rocked… but it doesn’t rock nearly as much as the fact that tonight we say buh-bye to Kim.  Oh, I’m so happy.  No, I’m delighted.  No, I’m head over heels delirious with joy.  Seriously, no more screaming “Sweetie!”.  No more hearing about how she’s going to ride Kroy’s pole like a stripper on speed.  And no more blathering on about having to move.  Usually, I have to wait until the 8th day of Hanukkah for the big gift, but this year, I’m getting it on night two.  I just hope that someone pulls a Sheree and gives her another “wig tug” on her way out just for old times sake.  That would be genius.  It would be even more genius if it were Sheree jumping out from behind the bushes to serve up the tug and a little “Who gon’ check me, boo?” with it.  OK, that would take a Hanukkah miracle, but one can dream, right?  Speaking of which, if anyone asks you what to get me for nights 3 – 8, you can send them right here.  Aw, yeah.

Melissa:  Oh boy, we’re about to diva it out tonight with Kim storming off the set… er, restaurant.  Here’s the thing, you can’t sign a contract to be on a reality TV show then decide what they can and can’t do.  It’s up there with (real) celebrities who say they just want their privacy.  Um, you chose a life in the public eye.  You can’t get bitchy about it when it’s not on your terms.  That’s not quite how the world works.  Anywho, who knew I’d start on my soapbox from the get-go.  So, let’s go get me another glass of wine and maybe some popcorn because I think I’m about to be wildly entertained tonight!!

Check Out Time

You see the wigs... the glue is right here and seeps in and gives her delusions of grandeur.

You see, it’s the wigs… the glue is right here, seeps in and gives her delusions of grandeur.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Back at Fritti, Kim continues to try to say she never confirmed any dates and it’s not safe for her to travel… With the RHOA ladies that is.  As NeNe tries to make her point with Kim, Kim storms off and shoves the camera away telling the crew to get out of her F*cking face.  Then Kroy, ever protective, needs to get into the action to ward off the evil camera crew intent on the destruction of earth as we know it.  Oh, they’re not?  You would think so what with the way he’s acting.  Take it down a notch there, Sweetie.  You married into the camera life you don’t get to choose when and where.  If we have to suffer through the dirty talk with you and the misses you owe us.  Besides, that’s how your lady makes her money.  Kroy continues to threaten and even throws out “lawsuit” as a random producer tells him he needs to take off and get Kim gone.

Meanwhile, the ladies debrief on how they’ve passed on events to accommodate Kim as we montage through “Kim moments” to support her need to leave the show.  She has no desire to nurture anything with the ladies as she has her best friend in Kroy.  Now don’t get me wrong, I know their marriage is based on endless love and adoration, but I’m wondering what happens if he gets sent to Minnesota or Green Bay and she can’t be a proper ATL diva.  What then Kim?

OK, now that Kim is a forgotten matter, the lades check in with Kenya re: Walter and her being ready to focus on husband and family since her career is stable.  NeNe reminds her, since she can do it all, there’s no need for ladies to think career versus family.  Now, that was funny NeNe, saying you have an album dropping and are headed off to law school in the fall.  At least the ladies get a last laugh at Kim and are about as ready to be done with her as she seems to be of them.

Anyway, the ladies continue do discuss Kim’s priorities.  Well duh ladies, she got her spin off and thinks she’ll get another.  Maybe a parenting reality show!  Or maybe we’ll track the birth of #4… Surely that’s her thought.

Rachel:  Look at Kroy getting all angry juicehead on the cameras.  You do know she signed a contract that agreed to have those cameras follow her around 24/7 right?  So, just because she’s not feeling it right now, doesn’t mean you can pull a Sean Penn on them and get away with it.  And really with the lawsuit which you’re still apparently mouthing off about now?  Dude, you married a woman on a REALITY TV SHOW.  There tends to be a few cameras hanging around when that happens.  Jackass.  I hope your teammates put some itch powder in your jock.  Just get in your Range Rover and drive on back to the townhouse.  Peace.

Well, doesn’t look like anyone’s torn up inside about the departure.  They got over that quick.  And I’m loving that Kandi just walked right into that conversation with Kenya about Walter.  But I guess she’s over it now… Yeah, cause no one at that table is gonna put up with your tantrums like Walter.
BTW, “Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you” might be one of my favorite all-time sayings.   Thank you NeNe for that reminder.  I had almost forgotten about it.

Dishing Dirt

Now, don't you ever go behaving like one of Kim's kids, you hear me?

Now, don’t you ever go behaving like one of Kim’s kids, you hear me?

Melissa’s What Happened:  At Kandi’s house, Mama Joyce wants to know how Riley is adjusting to Todd living with them.  Kandi doesn’t want to talk about it, but she’s happy Mama Joyce finally approves of one of her men.  Kandi tells Joyce about Kim’s backing out of the trip, and how Kim always takes off from parties or events because of her sitter or Nanny.  Yeah, it’s called an excuse, people do it all the time.  That’s why we have kids!  Sorry, sitter just called.  We need to head home because (mumble-mumble).  Joyce questions why Kim’s mom doesn’t help and Kandi reminds her they haven’t spoken since the wedding when Kim had her mom escorted from the reception.  Yeah, that was cold.  Security and all.  I just shook my head and tsk’d over that one.  Joyce reminds Kandi that, with Kim, it’s all about her and if she can treat her mother the way she does there’s no reason to expect her to treat the RHOA ladies any better.  Once again, Mama preaching the truth.

Rachel:  Look at Kandi’s mom all thumbs up about Todd.  I like it.  Wait, wait, wait, Kim had her mother escorted out of her own wedding?  Now, I don’t know what led up to that, but unless her mom was about to shank someone in the middle of the dance floor, that’s some cold ass shit.  Mom makes a good point.  If she treats her mom like she’s disposable, why would her “friends” be any different?

Date Night

OMG, you think there are 365 days in a year!

OMG, you think there are 365 days in a year!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Peter and Cynthia plan a dinner with Porsha and Kordell so Peter can ooh and ahh over him.  Too bad he gets ditched and has to hang with the ladies.  HA, poor thing.  Peter is still angling to get a meet with Kordell, even offering to go golfing with him even though he doesn’t golf.  Cynthia brings up the Anguilla trip and the guest list including Kenya’s self-invitation to the trip.  Peter is all over inviting the Stewarts along as well so he can hang with his new bestie Kordell.  Cynthia just hopes to piss off Kenya.  Porsha agrees to the trip and now has to sell Kordell on it.  Hopefully he’s seen an episode and will know what he’s setting himself up for.  Yes friends, there will no doubt be another RHOA travel meltdown at some point on this trip… This time, poor Anguilla will be the victim.

Rachel:  Oh yeah, let’s talk about the Steelers!  Well, let’s not today after that pathetic showing.  Wait, what business does Kordell Stewart have to do?  You know Porsha was waiting for an invite on that trip.  And yes Cynthia, your enemy’s enemy is, indeed, your friend.

Departure Time

Just cause we love these two.

Just cause we love these two.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Well, it looks like Kordell bought into the trip.  I think Peter is about to tink in his trousers over Kordell.  Kandi arrives without Todd who wisely bailed on the trip.  Kenya arrives and blows off Porsha, you know because we’re back in 8th grade now.  Come on Miss USA, take it down a notch.  Aw, Todd surprised Kandi and is there for support dealing with the cray-cray.  I don’t know if I’ve said this lately or not, but I love that Kandi is happy and in a good relationship.

Rachel:  Oh here we go.  Another cast trip begins.  Damn Peter, wipe your mouth.  You’re drooling all over Kordell.  Oh and Kordell, no one in Pittsburgh forgot you were Slash.  Personally, I would have started you over Tommy Maddox, but that’s water under the bridge.  I mean look at you now!  You’re on a reality TV show!  Now, would you mind helping your wife remember that Kenya is a former Miss USA.  I know she doesn’t like her, but seriously… OK, Kenya just rolled in and straight ignored Porsha and her husband.  Never mind, you can call her Miss America all you want.  Go on.

In Flight Entertainment

Melissa’s What Happened:  As usual, Cynthia is at the ready with her camera shooting footage of the crew (does she get paid extra?) and Kenya stage whispers her hopes that “someone” will get engaged on the trip.  Oh Lord woman, I’m about done with you.

Arrival

Look at me... No, I said LOOK AT ME!!

Look at me… No, I said LOOK AT ME!!

Melissa’s What Happened:  The crew arrives and has to take a boat to their final destination.  Kenya decides to take control and tells the ladies to hold on to their weaves as she guns the engine and takes off.  NeNe is less than amused.  That is until Cynthia loses her top, which makes her forget she’s about to choke on someone’s fake eyelashes.  At the docks, Peter announces that they have a bus waiting for the group while he, Cynthia, NeNe and Greg will be rolling in the Escalade.  Um, really Peter?  You’re going to start the BS right at the dock??  Of course NeNe is all over not having to ride with the “commoners”.  As they pass Diamonds International, Kenya takes the sledgehammer approach to making sure that Walter understands that, when a sign says diamonds, it means he can buy her one there.  Then she lists off all her requirements for said diamond.  OK, leaving hints on the refrigerator is one thing, but to sit there looking at your hand sighing is another.  As Lloyd Dobler would say… YOU MUST CHILL!

Rachel:  Boy that Kenya is an attention whore.  But I am laughing at Cynthia’s dress almost blowing off her body.  Literally laughing out loud.  But I am loving NeNe’s top.  I need to get me one of those.  Jesus Kenya, why not just pull out a tranquilizer gun and drag Walter into Diamonds International?  It would be much more efficient than your incessant nagging.  What part of you thinks that Walter isn’t aware of your desire to get married?  That would be no part of him.  So do us all a favor and turn it down to zero.  Thanks.

Ani Villas Stories 

A former Miss USA should ALWAYS have a tub!!  What's wrong with this world??

A former Miss USA should ALWAYS have a tub!! What’s wrong with this world??

Melissa’s What Happened:  The crew arrives at Ani Villas, where they are welcomed with drinks and their staff.  OK, this place is awesome!  Too bad Kenya isn’t feeling the Junior Sweet and its lack of tub and closet space… as the guide tells her to enjoy and walks off basically ignoring her.  Priceless!  Really, the world is gong to end because she doesn’t have a tub?  STFU, woman.

Phaedra doesn’t want to sample the hot tub because of all the penises and vaginas that were in there.  She can’t mess around with her honey pot.  I can’t believe they actually called her OB-GYN to check whether or not she should go in.  Doc sides with Phaedra, and I’m still scratching my head that they would even bother their doctor with such silliness.  That being said, I’m not going into another hot tub the rest of my life!!

Meanwhile, Cynthia declares that someone is going to be getting some tonight as they check out their room.  Thanks for the update.  Talk turns to the rest of the crew (as usual) and they can’t help but marvel at the spark that seems to be reigniting with NeNe and Gregg.  So as the music slides to porn musak, Peter tells Cynthia she has a lot of making up to do since she’s been such a work-a-holic.  Classy Peter, real classy.  Ew, all of a sudden I feel icky.

Rachel:  Sweet Mary that place is amazing.  And Sweet Mary, could Kenya bitch more?  You invited yourself along so you’re lucky you have a room at all.  Effing brat.  Wow, this is quite the conversation between Phaedra & Apollo about STDs and hot tubs.  And can you really get one from a hot tub?  That ain’t cool.  Someone should tell the producers over on The Bachelor & Bachelorette.  No wonder Peter was so mad at Cynthia after they got married.  Not only did her mom & sister try to sabotage it, but she brought her 9-year-old on their Honeymoon.  No man wants that.

Candy for the Party

THAT is what Apollo looks like under there??

THAT is what Apollo looks like under there??

Melissa’s What Happened:  As the couples sip on their drinks, we spy NeNe and Gregg off in the corner.  NeNe is asking if Gregg loves her, and if so, what’s holding him back.  For some reason Gregg can’t seem to understand her.  Dayum Apollo!  Sorry, I completely lost track of what we were saying.  I didn’t know I’d be getting a little candy with my wine tonight!  Kenya wants to know why no one is getting in the pool and then shoves Apollo in.  Methinks she just wanted to get to second base with him and not make it obvious.  Nice try Miss USA, Phaedra is not amused.  Yes Kenya, you WERE flirting with Apollo and you might end up getting a what’s what from Phaedra.  You don’t mess with her man.

Rachel:  And here it goes… Phaedra is gonna hunt you where you sleep, Kenya, if you don’t step off her man.  Yeah, you guys aren’t good enough friends to get away with that kinda of play.  Personally, I just think she’s trying to make Walter jealous so he panics and buys her a ring.  Dangerous, Kenya.  Dangerous.

Booty Call – Phaedra Style

When in doubt, bring the donkey out

When in doubt, bring the donkey out

Melissa’s What Happened:  The group plans out the day’s boat activity as Phaedra arrives swathed in netting to make sure her booty is the center of attention for the day.  Yes, that bounty is going to make the day.  As the group cruises out, the wind kicks up and the NeNe is less than thrilled with the multiple boat trips.  Once they make it to the island, Kenya pulls Walter aside and begins her usual full court press about marriage.  She says they should stay there and elope.  Poor Walter, I though he just might vomit.  She thinks getting married there will be less stressful and she doesn’t really need a big ring… For now.  He tries to tell her to relax, but we all know that that will only last until she’s finished with the cocktail in her hand.

Elsewhere, Kandi and Todd take a quiet moment to enjoy each other.  Speaking of enjoying each other, he orders a “f*ck me sideways” shot to kick things off – just for himself.  Hello!  Kandi, who never drinks, thinks she might need to sample a few beverages because it helps make her warm and tingly down south.  I’m thinking Todd is going to start spiking everything starting with her morning coffee.

Rachel:  Well, then there’s Phaedra’s outfit the next morning.  Uh, note to my friends: don’t even wear that around me, please.  I know she’s trying to keep her man’s eyes focused on her, but how is that display in front of the other men more appropriate then Kenya’s pushing Apollo in the water?  Splain me.

Lord, I’m so tired of Kenya… And boy is she going to be piiiiised when Cynthia gets wedding number two before she gets wedding number one.  Yeah, I much more enjoy hanging out with Kandi & Todd.  They’re a cute couple.  Wait, Kandi doesn’t drink?  Wait again, Kandi drank alcohol once, got a warm feeling “down there” and then decided not to drink again?  Color me confused.   I’d be falling asleep every night with a bottle in my arms… Oh wait, I already do.

Make a Wish

Melissa’s What Happened:  Upon arriving back the house, Phaedra, with the help of Hayden Hughes from the Ministry of Tourism, has arranged for a cultural extravaganza for the group.  As the ladies all join the dance troop, NeNe says she’s fine with the moves as she’s been working the pole for years.  Um, what NeNe??  I mean we all know of your stripperific past, but I thought you wanted to be all hush-hush about it.  Heeeey!  Phaedra doesn’t think it’s appropriate for Kenya to be rubbing herself up against everyone in front of Walter.  I’m right there with you, Phaedra.  When she’s not begging for a ring, she’s flirting all over other men.  Maybe that’s why he’s so cautious about putting a ring on that finger!  Yikes woman, you need to cool your jets.  Clearly Kenya doesn’t know when to stop and approaches Phaedra to ask, if she were to give Apollo a birthday pass involving 2 of her friends, who would it be?  Woman, have you no shame?

Rachel:  Oh boy, another cultural outing from Phaedra.  Wasn’t the last one she organized the outing with the guy who talked about how women should be barefoot and pregnant or some such?  OK, this seems to be going well… So far… Though Kenya cannot stop flirting with every man that walks past.  She even says she wishes Walter would be more jealous… Well, he’s not, so stop being inappropriate with other people’s mens.  Shit ain’t cool.  Especially when you ask them to donate sperm.  Then you’re going to roll on over and push Phaedra’s buttons some more?  You must be stupid.  And desperate.  Desperate party of one, your table is now ready.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Have I mentioned how much I really cannot stand Kenya?  Well, let me reiterate.  I cannot STAND Kenya.  I hope NeNe pops off and punches her in her head.  Hard… though I have a feeling she isn’t mad at NeNe and that was just an intervention.  But again, this just goes back to me & my dreaming.

Melissa:  Wow, and I thought Kenya had no boundaries before.  As with all good RHO trips though, the best is yet to come.

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12 responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta – Season 5, Week 6: Hold on to Your Weave

  1. You guys, stop it. Way too funny.

    Word here in A-town is that Walter gave an interview to some local morning DJs and said that he dated Kenya 3 YEARS AGO and she asked him to play the part of her bf for the show. Explains why he couldn’t be bothered to get up from the chaise while Kenya was full-on booty clappin’ on Peter.

  2. “Desperate party for one. Your table is ready.” Haahahaha — I’m still laughing. Am I the only one who notices how Kim calls everything “mine”? My flowers,my dream house, my townhouse, my kids, my everything. “I” paid $40K for landscaping, so you’re not going to keep MY flowers, Kendra. Kroy said something about “our” stuff the other night, but when Kim speaks, it’s always “my, mine or I.” And if she never wants to leave home, where is she going to wear that ridiculous diamond-shaped bracelet he gave her at the take-out food anniversary party on the boat? I guess her gold-llined suzie keeps Kroy from noticing how freaking totally lazy and useless she is. That shit’s got to wear thin eventually.. 4 kids and she never even tries to cook a meal. So pathetic – “SWEEEETIE, get me some do-nuts for breakfast and a pizza for dinner when you pick up my sub for lunch and clean up that dog shit before you go. At least when she builds HER next dream house, she can leave out the kitchen to save money. She ain’t dumb with HER money, you know.

  3. “Have I mentioned how much I really cannot stand Kenya? Well, let me reiterate. I cannot STAND Kenya.” LOL!!!

  4. Yes Kenya is nuts. Walter has some new 20 something year old girlfriend that he’s attached at the hip too. Which is pissing crazy off so she’s going around Atlanta saying he’s really on the down-low. Could you imagine dumping her? Omg you could neeever get away from her crap.

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