One Sentence Summary - Our favorite Persians are back and ready to stir up trouble.
Rachel: Reza is back! Reza is back! This news makes me happier than Charlie Sheen in the Champagne Room. Seriously, Reza is this show. The rest of the cast is just filler. I mean the construction dude, whose name I can’t even remember, isn’t back this year and I didn’t even blink an eye. And while I do like MJ and Asa, they just don’t bring it the way Reza does with his one-liners and Village People mustache. So yeah, he’s my reality TV BFF. And no, that’s not at all crazy. It’s not. Please stop saying it is. Anywho, the Shahs are back and the Bitches are covering all the fun, fighting and falafel. Mmm… falafel…
A New Friendship
Rachel: Reza is back and he is in love. And no, it’s not with someone you’d expect. It’s with Asa, his Perisan fiery soulmate. Oh, I think I’m gonna love this twosome. I’ll let her in on my BFF-ness because I think she’s pretty cool. I give many points to people who live their lives being true to who they are. She does. And she is doing it in a fabulous house! Damn girl, how many downloads are you getting on iTunes? Can we also discuss the $4k wash-your-ass toilet she has going on? Think she’d mind if I stopped by to pay a visit to her Tee-Tee Tavern? Well, that and dig up her front walk since she just told us all that there is $30k worth of gold coins buried there? Uh, I hope you’ve moved that shit because I could find your house within about 30 minutes of circling Venice and I have a shitty sense of direction. Or that you broke them out and used them to pay your mortgage since you have $500 in your bank account, which I’m pretty sure won’t cover the nut. I mean I too love the philosophy of “surround yourself with beautiful things and beautiful things will come to you.” But I’m also a fan of the “pay your bills so you don’t end up on the street” philosophy.
Oh boy, it’s MJ’s mother and her Baby Jane make-up. Dear Lord woman, are you doing kabuki theater? No, you’re just going on a cruise? OK well then maybe consider not using a spackel to put on your eye shadow. Maybe they have a better mirror at the uncle’s house where you’re dropping off your bird for safe keeping while you’re on vacation so you can sort it out. Um, who thought it would be a good idea to let the dog ride in the back with the bird? Snack, anyone?
Welcome back, GG. Let’s see if she’s learned anything since the last time we saw her and worked on some anger management. Doubtful, but let’s see. She stops by her sister’s house for a swim party and a little flirting with her friend Omid. She also wants to check in with her sister on their new venture, GG’s Extensions. Yep, that’s the name. Leila, her sister, is in charge of the finances and GG is in charge of marketing & advertising. However, it seems that Leila & GG have very different ideas of what that means. Leila thinks she should be actually getting out there and, you know, advertising the product. GG doesn’t know how so she just doesn’t do anything. Leila is 9-months pregnant and really in no mood to play teacher so GG needs to figure it out. She’s probably also in no mood to hear me question her choice to get into a business with her sister in the first place. The girl has zero ambition. GG thinks because she’s never had a job before that she should get some slack. Uh, you have never had a job before and you’re 30? That’s embarrassingly pathetic. And if you’ve never had a job, what on earth would make you think you could run a company? I’m missing the logic of anyone having invested in this girl as the brains behind any product. I gotta side with sis here when she recommends you get a job and figure your shit out.
Moving On Up… Slowly
Mike & Reza are hanging out at the car wash & having some quality guy time. Yes, at the car wash. Don’t ask me. I mean they are getting their cars washed but this was never a group activity in my world. Anyway, Mike is still struggling in the commercial real estate biz which I’m guessing means his clubs didn’t happen. That’s a bummer. I like Mike and I respect the fact that he’s still chipping away at earning back the dream.
Back at Leila’s, GG is taking her frustration with her sister out on a cigarette, while she listens to Omid give her some advice on how to make it work in business with her sister. He’s giving her some thoughtful words of wisdom until the genius next to them asks about his hair and interrupts the moment. Then people get thrown in the pool and I am wondering why they bothered showing me this scene. See, filler around Reza.
MJ & her mom, Vida, drop the bird off at her aunt & uncle’s home and stay for a birthday dinner for the Leos in the room. Damn, that looks tasty. Vida says she is going to be in Europe for 6 months and MJ wonders if that means she’ll get her birthday present before she leaves. Mom says being gone is her birthday present. Ha, funny… and true. Sorry, but she’s not the most supportive, loving mother on the planet. Her cousin tells her that his mother is the opposite of her mother and never criticizes his life choices. Everyone at the table agrees that it’s just that Vida doesn’t really like anyone in general. Vida’s response? Nothing. She’s busy checking her insane lipstick in her knife. MJ continues to try and bring the fact that she is feeling unloved by her mother to her attention but Vida just thinks she’s had too much wine. I think she really just doesn’t care. I really do. I mean her daughter is sitting across from her crying and it just pisses her off. Then Vida insults her sister-in-law by saying that she’s a terrible person because she doesn’t question her kids before she storms off to the kitchen. Let her storm off. She’s evil. She says she’s not because she drives to MJ’s house at night to make sure her car is safely home so she knows she hasn’t been in an accident. Well, that’s lovely. How about you call her instead and actually let your kid know you give a shit? How about that concept? Ack, can we get back to Reza?
Time to meet our new cast member, Lilly. Oh hello, Lilly drives a Maserati and apparently is from a super rich family in Houston. She wants to buy a house from Reza so he’s loving her right now. The jury is still out for me. Lilly just started her own bikini line so she will need an office in her home. I’m not sure Reza is actually hearing anything she’s saying because he’s so enamored by her thinness that it’s overwhelming him. It is his dream to wake up one day and be super thin like her. You & me, friend. You and me. Granted, I’d have a better chance of that happening if I didn’t house the half of a giant cupcake my sister-in-law left in my fridge this afternoon. Probably not helpful.
Anyway, seems our friend Lilly is in the market for a house because her ex wants her back and she will only consider it if he moves to LA… and buys them a house. Man, someone needed to send me to whatever school of dating she attended about 20 years ago. Hmm… so I want to hate on her, but so far I cannot. I mean I’m sure I could easily come up with a few barbs for my amusement, but I’m going to save them for the time being.
Lilly asks about Reza’s dating life and we learn that he is seeing someone, albeit non-exclusively. So, that means Lilly can set him up with one of her friends. He’s a “bottom” so that should work out well in her estimation. Ha, this is the first time I’ve ever seen Reza get so flustered that he can’t speak. Oh Lilly, I just might like you a little. But I can promise you the other girls aren’t going to be as open.
Dumpster Diving Advice
Mike is headed to a party in Orange County to try and make some business connections. Ack, the OC. Good luck with that. But that is one insane house. Mike wants to know how his friend Manny made his money. He says that he started with nothing at the age of 14. He would go dumpster diving on the weekends and sell what he found at the swap meet. And from there, he just worked hard to earn everything he has. Well, this guy definitely gets a giant tip o’ the hat. That’s quite an amazing climb to success. His story really resonates with Mike and he is inspired once again to be successful.
Name Your Price
Oh look! It’s Michael Costello of Project Runway fame! Asa has stopped by to talk about doing some singing for his fashion show. If she lands the gig, it could help solve a lot of her money problems. Plus, she loves Michael’s designs because they are tribal and gypsy but still high-end. Uh, you’re wearing a green leotard over leopard pants. That not gypsy, tribal or high-end. That’s just fug. What is also fug is the attitude coming from the lady sitting across from Asa that says she has never heard her music, which is a problem since she is the one writing the checks. Damn bitch, did you need to approach it like that? Michael looks like he’s been sucker punched a few times by the dragon lady already, but continues by saying that he looks forward to figuring out how they can accommodate each other. Asa says there are only 3 of them, which is cheaper than a whole band with regard to travel. See the other two can fly coach but she will only fly business. She would also like $15k as her performance fee. What? Who do you think you are? Bo Bice? Oh wait… Maybe $15k is fair. Dragon Lady is thinking more like $10k. Asa sticks with $15k. We shall have to wait and see who wins this one.
Reza stops by MJ’s to drink a little champers and do some online dating. Reza is helping her setting up her profile and wants to play up her bountiful, um, jugs. She would rather talk about her other assets. We’re all waiting to hear what they are. When it comes to what she wants, it seems that only brunettes will do; provided they’re not Asian or African American or bi-racial. Um, have you been on any of these dating sites. It’s already slim pickings out there before you start casting off all our blonde, ginger and ethnic friends. Reza seems to agree with me and thinks she might want to widen her horizons. Yeah, maybe just a smidge. Last I checked, Mr. Persian America wasn’t banging down your door.
The Nose Knows
Asa has set-up a dinner in the Bev Hills to celebrate her new lease on life. All the usual suspects are there including GG’s new friend, Omid, who happens to be Mike’s old friend. And, according to Mike, he also happens to be a playboy. I’m not sure about the playboy thing, but I do know that I don’t ever want to have dinner with him in a public place. I mean what’s with the hyena howl? And how many times has he changed his seat? That would drive me crazy. Mellow out dude. But he is quickly stunned speechless – hyena-less? – after Asa says she’s happy about his big nose and appreciates him not getting a nose job. Wow. I mean it is a honker, but a) it works on him, b) he probably already knows it and c) you don’t ever need to call that shit out. Plus, you’ve now ticked off GG, which we know never ends well. And I have a feeling it’s not going to be helpful for Lilly who just arrived with Reza. She says Persian girls can be catty… Girl, you have no idea. And BTW, how much do I love that she was rocking a wig in her one-on-one interview?
Anywho, Reza & Lilly join the party and it’s MJ that is visually unhappy about the new member of the team. GG actually likes her off the bat. Well, I didn’t expect that. Well, the GG part. I can see MJ being jealous that her friend has a new lady to hang with. So, now that everyone has arrived, Asa can make her toast and announce that she is officially going to Fashion Week to perform at Michael Costello’s show. Guess Dragon Lady flinched first. Well, she tries to make the announcement but the Hyena has recovered from the schnoz remarks and can’t zip it long enough to let her finish a sentence. Look, I get she hasn’t been the most gracious hostess, but she is still, in fact, the hostess so let’s let her speak. Thanks. She also invites everyone to a pool party Saturday that is being thrown in her honor. Hey, how come no one ever throws a party in my honor? Oh I guess because I haven’t done anything to honor… Gotta work on that.
As the night progresses, the Hyena’s cackles get louder and GG gets drunker. No one at the table is enjoying their show and Mike would like them to maybe remember that they’re in Beverly Hills and start acting accordingly. Oh, I think we’re past that. Far past that. I mean Hyena’s hand is halfway up GG’s dress already. I guess he’s having fish for dinner. SORRY! sorry. Couldn’t help it. It was right there. After GG excuses herself for a moment, Hyena is told that he is responsible for GG’s behavior to which he responds by talking to an imaginary friend and asking permission to “Rick Flair” the shit out of them. Say what? You’re talking to make-believe people about hitting women? Time to go, friend. Time to go. Oh wait, first you have to get cussed out by Lilly who says it’s a problem when he’s trying to raise a hand to a woman. Amen, sister. But really, Mike or Reza or that random dude Shizzy at the end of the table need to help Hyena out of the restaurant and put him in a cab. Oh there you go, Mike. He apologizes on Hyena’s behalf and requests that he leaves, which he does but not before he calls the women “stupid ass bitches”. Classy. But I guess that behavior is an aphrodisiac to GG because she jumps in the cab and goes home with him. Also classy.
Rachel: Well, I see not much has changed with GG. But I’m super glad to have Reza back and I approve of his new bestie, Lilly. Well, as long as I’m still the Reality TV bestie.