One Sentence Summary - Leslie joins Kalyn in her imaginary world with an invisible fiance.
Rachel: Melissa’s back! Melissa’s back! It’s good to have my co-pilot back in the game. Mostly because that means she has power back. Yay! Too bad she missed all the fun that was Kalyn’s medical mystery and sex-ed with Leslie. But at least she’ll get to enjoy the tail end of Leslie’s attempt to re-virginize Kalyn through a bogus baptism. Wow, just typing that makes my head spin. How do you even come up with this stuff? I’m not going to say writers because I’ll get in trouble. So we’ll just call it “divine intervention”. What are the odds that we’ll get to actually see this Rip character tonight? I’m going with slim. I’m not sure he’s not a figment of Leslie’s imagination. Just like her many homes, her pilates studio and Bill Gates being her neighbor. I hear a cuckoo clock somewhere off in the distance.
Melissa: Finally, I’m back in action and I’m kinda super excited for our Texas Ladies tonight! Truth be told, I’ve been trying to imagine how, if Kalyn got preggers, she could somehow spin it to make it Whitney’s fault. Maybe she’ll get her chooch pierced and explain that it somehow pierced the egg thereby fertilizing it.
Rachel: It’s the morning after the baptism & Leslie is concerned that Kalyn is mad at her for inviting her mother. Kalyn says she doesn’t even remember why she got so angry with her mom, but she knows she didn’t want to hear her lies. And just because she got on one plane, doesn’t make up for all the bad things she’s done. True, but Leslie needs Kalyn to realize that now that she’s been baptized, she needs to look at the world differently & make better decisions. Yes, because dunking her in a pool and serving cake afterwards makes her a grown-up. It’d be one thing if it actually had some deep meaning to Kalyn, but unless I missed something, she pretty much went along with the whole thing to please Leslie (and by please, I mean shut up). I mean I’m not Christian, but I would think there would be some deep soul searching and understanding of what the process meant to someone in order for it to be a genuine act. Personally, I find the whole thing in bad taste. But we are talking about Leslie and she is the walking talking poster child for bad taste.
However, Leslie is still pushing and thinks Kalyn should meet with her mother as an adult. She doesn’t expect Kalyn to forgive her but maybe she can understand her better. Leslie also tells her that she is nothing like her mom, but maybe she can find some value in her as a person. THUD! Sorry, that was just me falling out of my chair. Did Leslie actually just say something deep and meaningful? It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!
Melissa: HA, that’s right… Leslie tried to baptize the slut out of Kalyn. Yeah, put the holy in that girl!! Everything else has been in her. Is Leslie really trying to pull the “now that you’ve been baptized, you see the world differently” crap? Come on, woman! Then again, you did buy the stress UTI.
She’s Not Getting Any Younger
Rachel: Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it. Please tell me I am not watching Cha Cha at the plastic surgeon’s with her 16-year-old daughter trying to get her some Botox. Wow, and to think we thought her slapping & yelling were the most demeaning things she could do to ruin her kid’s self-esteem. Thankfully, Dr. A lives on Planet Earth and understands that she is far too young for the Tox and she should maybe spend her energy on things like sunscreen & moisturizer. If the moms want to look like cupie dolls, Dr. A’s all for it. But no kids. Shaye has no time for his recommendations. Honey, you have nothing but time for his recommendations. Wow, I’m just fucking floored right now. Sorry for the f-bomb, but that’s what I am. Fucking floored. Words… I have none… floored… just… why? Why is this woman allowed to have children? Why?
Melissa: Are you kidding me D with letting your 16-year-old get Botox?! I mean if she gets Botox, she might not feel those slaps of yours. So maybe that’s the upside of you essentially telling your daughter she’s not good enough. I can’t believe Shaye is even buying into this shit. At least Doctor A isn’t going to give in… For now.
Rachel: The special event at the club this week is Zumba, which all the ladies attend in full make-up, of course. It’s really more of a gossip session anyway. Bonnie still doesn’t like Cindy. And Connie wants to know all about what went down at the baptism. Oh look, there’s an actual teacher. And as class starts, Cindy is confused and wishing she had a drink. Aaaaaaaaaand that’s the end of the scene… Why am I even bothering to tell you about this? I guess if they make me watch, I make you read.
Oh we’re back to Zumba. The class is now over and Leslie announces that Rip wants to marry her. You know, the imaginary Rip. Apparently, he blurted out that he wants to marry her over dinner and gave her an imaginary ring. Actually, it turns out, he’s the kind of guy that will let her pick out her own ring. Wait, is that a bonus? That seems sort of anticlimactic and holy not romantic. Personally, I don’t want a proposal that has as much forethought as a belch. But we are talking about Leslie who seems perfectly content with it all. And I suppose invisible people can’t buy rings anyhow. You know, since their credit cards are invisible too. All the girls are excited and Connie offers to take her ring shopping. Melissa, however, is on my team and will believe it when she sees it… or him in this case.
Melissa: Ugh, a Zumba class too?? Btw, I hate Zumba… Well, anything that requires coordination isn’t for me. Fair warning to all of you out there. If you ever see me in a class, stay far away… For your own good. Trust me friends.
Wait, Rip wants to marry Leslie? Or is this another of her stories and she’s going to string the ladies along with the “ring shopping”? That should milk about 3 months I’m sure.
Rachel: Shaye tells Alex & Maddie that she was denied Botox. They both think the fact that she wants it in the first place is insane… because it is. They also think it’s insane that her mom will let her alter her face but not go out on a date. Shaye takes up for her mom, but she also says is already dating. Well, by dating she really means texting. Ah teenage dating in the new millenium. I wonder if you can also get a UTI from too much texting? Have to ask Kalyn. Anywho, Shaye would like everyone to keep this information on the DL and not tell her mom. And by everyone, I assume you mean the cameramen and producers too?
Melissa: I’m glad the rest of the girls think the idea of Botox is insane. Maybe Shaye will actually listen to her peers. Oh man, Shaye is just asking for another slap by dating a boy when Mommy Dearest says no.
An Actual Touching Moment
Rachel: Kalyn agrees to meet her mom for dinner. You know, as much as I bag on this girl, I do feel sad for her. It’s horrible to feel like your mother doesn’t care about you, love you or have any interest in your happiness. Hopefully she can get something positive out of it. Terry thought Kalyn wanted her at the baptism. Kalyn just wants to know what she wants from her. She also wants to know why her mother thought it was better for her to never be around. Terry says she thought she was giving her daughter freedom. That is one big bag of bullshit she just dropped on the table. You didn’t think your kid wanted freedom. You wanted freedom. You just used that as an excuse. Yeah, your kid loved freedom so much that she felt abandoned and wanted to die. Good job, mom. Thumbs up. Kids need people to care. That’s basic parenting. Seriously, we’ll just let any asshole raise a kid. Yeah yeah, I know… Don’t get all political on me. But seriously, Cha Cha and Terry? Really?
Terry wants to make amends and move forward. She doesn’t expect Kalyn to forget but she would like forgiveness. Kalyn needs some proof before she can forgive her, but she will give her a chance. They can both get to know each other. I just hope this nut job doesn’t let Kalyn down again. For Kalyn’s sake and for what Leslie will make her go through next to “fix” her.
Melissa: Kalyn has a brother? Where is he? OK, I might soften a little bit for her. That childhood mess completely sucks. I still think she’s a complete moron, but I feel bad for what she’s been through.
Rachel: Leslie, Connie & Bonnie go ring shopping. Wait, ring shopping comes with free champagne? Oh damn, I’m about to get me an invisible fiance too! Ok, this jeweler is freaking me out with all the spinning and dramatic explanations of each ring. I keep waiting for him to snap as all three of them drop to the floor in hypnotic states & he steals their identities. Hmmm… maybe I ought to watch less CSI. I’ll put that on my To Do list. But before the jeweler can put them in a trance, he wants to know where said fiance is. That’s bold and none of his business and AWESOME that he asked. Leslie says he’s on a plane. Of course he is. I wonder if he’s on the same plane as my new invisible fiance.
Bonnie says that she & Jason are dying to meet Rip so they would like to take the two of them to dinner on Friday. Leslie is all for it, so it’s a date. Rip is so not materializing for that dinner. I bet his plane takes a detour on the way back to Texas for an emergency meeting in Xanadu. See when you’re imaginary, you can go to imaginary places like Xanadu. I hear it’s quite lovely this time of year. My imaginary fiance, Tip, just came back.
Melissa: Ah yes, the bling shopping! I love this. How long will Leslie be able to stall do you think? Yes Bonnie, love the dinner invite to meet Rip. Put those sleuthing skills to work. I’m with Rachel here. He totally won’t be able to make it.
Rachel: Leslie, Kalyn & Terry are taking Leslie’s pageant client Marisa to a salon to get her make-up done… even though she’s already wearing full make-up. Oh poor Marisa has no idea what she’s gotten herself into. She was just hoping for some tips on contouring. But first we have to hear about Terry’s most recent pageant crowns.
Kalyn gives Marisa tips on how to impress the judges, which impresses both mom & Leslie. Ok, a little positive reinforcement for our girl. Now, if we can just get her to never wear that outfit again… I’m so not OK with peplums coming back in style.
Melissa: Wait, Terry is a pageant girl too? What the hell pageant was that? While I’m at it, what the hell is that outfit on Kalyn? Was she trying something new and thought the fabric from a sofa in the Laura Ashley store would make a great jumper?
Rachel: Shaye, Alex & Maddie have a little club lunch to discuss the conflict in the Middle East… Oh wait, no. It’s to let Shaye know that Tatum (first clue that the guy’s a douche) is spreading rumors that the two of them got a little sumthin sumthin going on. Alex couldn’t look more thrilled to be sharing the news. Smug much, darling? Yes, Shaye’s sweetie is telling everyone that his fair lady gave him a little lap kiss. Man, you can do that over text? Those are some serious skills! Shaye’s embarrassed but insists nothing happened. Maddie thinks he’s just trying to look cool & make friends. But the girls say they believe her & promise to get Shaye’s back at school. Gotta love girlfriends. I hope they get her back when crazy Cha Cha finds out. She’s probably not going to be so willing to believe nothing happened. I mean I’m not really buying it, so Cha Cha is no way going to buy it. Godspeed, Shaye. Godspeed.
Melissa: Oh snap, rumors about Shaye giving BJs?! That is going to get her a face full of smacking from D!! Man, my stomach just sank thinking of how off the rails of the crazy train D is going to go hearing any whisper of this!!
Another Great Idea!
Rachel: Melissa & Bonnie head over to Connie’s consignment shop for a little shopping. Bonnie thinks everyone needs to meet Rip so she’s going to turn Friday’s dinner into an engagement party. Oh boy, here we go. If it’s an engagement party, then Rip has to show up. Uh no, he doesn’t.
Melissa: HA!! Yes Bonnie, an engagement party! Genius! I don’t want to sound mean, but I’m leaning towards this is a big crock of hooey that Leslie is serving up about her man wanting to get engaged.
Drunk & Dumber
Rachel: Leslie & Cindy meet for… wait for it… cocktails! Cindy wants to do shots with Leslie to get her drunk and convince her not to get married. I’d get into how shitty & selfish that is if I thought for a second there was any chance of Leslie having a fiance, but instead I’ll just let Cindy know that she’s just wasting good alcohol here. Then again, Cindy never met a reason she didn’t think was worth getting drunk over. BTW, I’m pretty sure you only need about one shot to get Leslie half in the bag. Cindy gets Leslie nice and sauced then lays the truth on her. She says get engaged, but don’t get married. That’s what she does. It’s a lot less messy to get divorced before you get married. I would like to meet the men proposing to her. Seriously, how is she bagging men? Rich men, at that. I mean when I look at her on the couch interview, the way her neck and mouth pull at a horizontal angle, she reminds of the Yip Yip aliens from Sesame Street. Just me? Anywho, she says it’s ridiculous to get married if you don’t want to have children. But Leslie wants to get married for love. Cindy is about to hurl at the notion. Thank God, she is also raising a daughter. Quite the role models we have going on here tonight.
Melissa: Wait, what the hell is it to Cindy that Leslie is getting married? Are you kidding me? Oh, and Leslie my dear… You CAN refuse a drink. As shocking as it may sound, it can be done. I’ve done it. No really. I mean, only once or twice, but it’s happened.
Rachel: Oh lawd, we’re at a rodeo. Melissa, Maddie and Kalyn have plans to attend the rodeo. Kalyn has kindly extended the invitation to her mother as well. All four of them are picked to perform during the intermission and dance for the crowd. You’re expecting me to tell you that Terry steals Kalyn’s thunder, but I cannot. They actually had a good time. I can tell you that I have no idea what exactly was going on out there. Kalyn leaves feeling good about the day and the fact that she also has Maddie to get her back. Maddie sure has a lot of backs to get. But at least she hasn’t let the Fiona Frost fame go to her head…
Melissa: I gotta say, I like a Rodeo. It’s been YEARS… Well, decades to tell the truth since I’ve been, but they are fun. Plus, I loves me a cowboy.
You’re The Bitch, Bitch
Rachel: Boogs! I was wondering if we were going to see him tonight. Jason & Bonnie have popped by the kiddies apartment for a visit… and to be Whitney’s guinea pig for her esthetician schooling. Boogs, ever the good sport, is spackled with what looks like oatmeal and avocado maybe? Next up, cucumber slices on the eyes of both boys to help reduce puffiness. I might have to try that… right after I start my face yoga.
Bonnie tells Whit that she’s having an engagement party for Leslie and imaginary Rip and would like her to attend. Not surprisingly, Whitney has no interest. Bonnie says Whitney & Kalyn need to learn to be in the same place. I’m thinking they don’t. Boogs agrees and doesn’t want to be around Tyler either. Guess Tyler wasn’t getting enough attention this season so he called Whitney a bitch at the club last week. Jason’s had enough of this nonsense and tells Bonnie this is why he says she shouldn’t hang out with Leslie. It’s not ok to disrespect a woman. Amen, Jason. But being that Bonnie has Jason’s balls in a jar, she tells him not to start shit and is going ahead with the engagement party anyway. Jason would like to cut off Tyler’s balls as a punishment for messing with his daughter and so he won’t be the only neutered guy at the party.
Melissa: Wait, Boogs is getting facials? I need to hang with Whitney. Hey now Jason, way to step up and defend your girl! I like this side of you!
Spreading The Disease
Rachel: Things seem to be going well with Kalyn & her mom as they get a little mani-pedi action together. Terry tells Kalyn that she & Chaz, her new boyfriend, have been talking marriage. Kalyn is skeptical. Terry asks about Kalyn’s love life and she tells her she was seeing someone but the whole Whitney thing made her realize she needs to be alone. So, are we now just calling the bladder infection “Whitney”? Is that a code name like Aunt Flo? Terry wonders why Leslie isn’t standing up for her more… you know outside of the public baptizing & bawling Bonnie out. Kalyn tells her about the truce between Leslie & Bonnie. Terry thinks that Leslie should be doing more to protect Kalyn from Whitney’s attacks. Wait, are we talking about the real Whitney or code name Whitney? And way to question Leslie’s loyalty to Kalyn as a way to further ingratiate yourself into her life. Dirty pool, lady. Dirty pool. And I don’t mean the one that Kalyn was dipped in last week.
Oh you have to be kidding me. Kalyn is still saying Whitney’s pushing her around and bullying put her in the hospital. Honey, the cat is out of the bag on this one. Or should I say the pussy is out of the bag on this one? Either way, you gotta stop pretending that you got the first ever stress UTI in history. But as long as people keep getting fired up over it, she’s going to keep telling it. And Terry is fired up over her daughter being bullied and Leslie doing nothing. Hey! She told her to pee after sex. That’s not nothing, lady. Kalyn has a clean slate now so she’s just focusing on going forward. Relaxing and going forward. She & Terry have had a good start and that’s enough for her.
Melissa: Ew, anyone else skeeved by Terry “getting things going” with Chaz? OK Terry, you can’t say a single word about Leslie not standing up for Kalyn… You’ve been there what a week?? You don’t get to be all Judge Judy when you shipped your kid off. Oh no, you’re not going to bring up the “hospital scare” are you Kalyn? Sweet Mary, I’m going to have to see my ophthalmologist tomorrow after all this eye rolling at the stupid ones – I am certainly going to pull a muscle.
Rachel: Here we go… Cha Cha is screaming for Shaye and demanding to know who she’s been texting. Seems her sister Amber ratted her out. Wow, that Amber is one shady bitch. How you gonna rat your sister out to that lunatic? She checked Shaye’s phone, saw that she was texting a boy and ran to mommy. Et tu, Amber? Cha Cha says that Amber tells her everything and she would expect the same of Shaye. Shaye doesn’t feel they have that relationship. Oh but you’re wrong, Shaye. You do have that relationship. You just don’t know how to do it. Yep, that’s what she just said to her daughter. Wow, this woman is hideous. Shaye says she feels like her mom & Amber have a great relationship but she doesn’t have it. She says this through tears and tells us that she feels like her mother pushes her away. She wishes she would let the reins a little loose. Cha Cha says, in that super scary calm voice, that she’ll never let the reins loose. You know, the same way a kidnapper tells his victim he’ll never let them go. Yeah, just like that. Run Shaye, run! Far and fast and don’t look back.
Cha Cha wants to make Shaye feel comfortable enough to come to her about boys and sex. Well, you’re off to a banner start. Realizing she might not be using the right tactics to make that happen, she takes a calmer approach to pull Shaye back in from the ledge. She’s not trying to have a pregnant teenager in her house. Oh right, it’s about you. Not about your daughter’s life. Girl, don’t fall for it. Cha Cha tells Shaye that boys only want one thing and when they get it they’re gone. Well, maybe not gone, but they’re at least on text to everyone they know.
THUD! That’s twice in one night. I’m gonna have a nasty bruise from all this falling over. But I swear I just heard Cha Cha tells Shaye that she loves her, she’s beautiful and that she’s proud of her. Two Thanksgiving miracles in one show! But I’m glad for Shaye. She needed to hear that. Shaye tries to use the moment to get approval to date. Oh Shaye, you just got your gift for the year. Don’t push your luck. There will be no dating. But Cha Cha will promise to listen better. I hope she means it.
Melissa: Oh geez, I’m sick to my stomach over what D is capable of doing. No D, she doesn’t have a relationship with you because you slap her in the face. OK, that was somewhat touching to see. I hope D has realized it’s not cool at all to hit your kids.
Rachel: Time to meet the Ripster! I hope he wore his cloak of visibility. And in walks Leslie to this huge surprise…. alone. When Bonnie asks where Rip is, she says his plane had engine trouble and he’s stuck in New York. Did I call it or what? Granted she didn’t say Xanadu, but close enough. I really wish she would have pulled the full crazy out of the closet and said, “He’s standing here right next to me. You can’t see him?” That would have made my year. And Tip’s year too. He just called me from his invisible cell phone. Cha Cha doesn’t think this is a great relationship for Leslie if a man can’t even show up to a dinner in his honor. She’s been to the apartment so he must exist. Oh yeah, he must. Or not. Bonnie is bummed. Whitney, in her couch interview, tries to tell explain that Leslie is bullshitting everyone again. Yeah, she is.
Back at the party, Leslie tries to distract everyone from the giant elephant in the room by buying everyone shots and promising to take all the girls to New Orleans for a getaway. Just keep digging that hole, Leslie. Meanwhile, Cindy finds Tyler sitting all alone and goes in for the kill. I mean finds out if he’s ok with his mom getting engaged. Tyler doesn’t really like anyone his mom dates. He thinks Rip treats his mom well but doesn’t understand her like his father did. Cindy tells him that no one will understand her that well and then drops a roofie in his drink. Well, if she had one, she would have. Then she tells him how cute he is as she starts stroking his hair. She even pulls the “I’m so drunk” routine so he knows she’s easily, um, pliable. He’s not flinching so it’s time to pull out the big guns. No, not her breasts, but they’re on the list I’m sure. She tells him that she’s leaving and invites him home with her to “make out and stuff”. Seriously? Did Alex teach you that line? When he rebuffs her flat out, she loudly turns the tables and pretends to be rebuffing him.
Jason hears this (of course) and sees it as his opening to defend the honor of women everywhere. Too bad this woman actually has no honor. Jason gets all up in Tyler’s face and starts with “Go ahead. Call me a bitch, dawg.” LOL… Dawg? For real? Not sure how that’s teaching Tyler how to treat women, but rock on with your bad self Jason. I mean you’re going to look like a chump ultimately, but I respect your wanting to defend Whitney… the girl and not the UTI. By the way, did Jason take Kalyn’s job at the bakery? He’s looking a little doughy. But before it can come to blows, Leslie gets Tyler out the door, and with that, the party’s over.
Melissa: Holy BOOBS, Bonnie!! And nice excuse, Leslie. Yes, stuck in New York indeed. I’m with Whitney… Shenanigans! Wait, Leslie is treating to New Orleans? Really? I guess these housewives don’t get the perk trips that the Bravo ones get. Hang on, Tyler has met Rip? Hmmm. Damn Cindy with the full court press. Please don’t be that cougarific cliche. Take it down, girl, before you embarrass yourself. Oh, too late. OMG Jason, I mean I support you 100%, but you need to bring it down a little. Listen sweetie, next time you just need to roll up all stealth when Tyler’s in the men’s room and just pop him in the mouth. I mean otherwise you just look like one of the crazy screaming women.
Rachel: These fights would be so much more tolerable with Heidi and her champers. I’m just saying.
Melissa: Oh how I missed the Texas crazies!!