One Sentence Summary: The ladies of Miami are back with their usual yawns.
Rachel: I can’t believe they brought this show back. The first season was so bad that even Bravo was embarrassed, if their tragic reunion on bar stools on the WWHL set was any indication. I would much rather have had the ladies from DC back than Miami. For real. I mean how awesome would it have been to have had cameras rolling during the whole Michaele/Tareq/Journey Guitarist love triangle drama? I’ll tell you… Way awesome. But no, instead we get Miami. I’m just glad they ditched that awful Larsa and annoying Christy. I mean if we have to watch, at least there’s that. And I know my partner here is excited to see Elsa, so I’m happy for her. Her face still freaks me out and I’m scared to death to see what she’s done since we last visited. Any guesses on whether Marysol is still married? Anyway, let’s get this party started… I’m watching tonight with just a Diet Coke. I gave up soda a while ago so this is a pretty exciting treat for me. Yeah, I need to get a life.
Melissa: Oh boy, the ladies (well, some of them) of Miami are back to give a go at a second season. You remember them. They had what, a 6 episode debut season and a reunion in the Bravo Clubhouse. We thought for sure we were safe from them, but no. It seems Bravo has run out of things to throw our way and have decided Thursday is prime real estate to try to bring the Miami chicas back. We shall see Bravo, we shall see. That being said, I’m all about seeing what Mama Elsa is up to, but more importantly what’s she’s drinking. Anywho, here’s a run down of Who’s (now) Who in Miami:
Now that we’ve taken care of introductions, let’s get on with it shall we? Let’s see what our newbies bring to the table other than their entitled attitudes.
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh there she is, Mama Elsa! You know this is the only reason I’m tuning in, and Bravo knows it… Don’t you Bravo. So today Mama Elsa and Marysol check out some jewelry and I completely forgot about Marysol’s engagement skating rink, er, ring. Wait, she’s already separated… Just shy of her 1 year anniversary. I love that she’s still wearing the ring though. Then again, why wouldn’t she… Other than it must be giving her back problems by now. She tells Mama that the woman she sees (for psychic advice) said she’s going to meet a lot of new women, there will be a lot of gossip, and a lot of trouble. Mamma agrees that she foresees the same thing. No offense, but all of us are foreseeing the same… I love you Elsa, but you might as well tell us the sky is blue.
Rachel: They just throw us right into the mix, don’t they? Wow, Elsa, I don’t know if it’s just been a while or you’re more Wildenstein than ever? I don’t need to know who this plastic surgeon is that destroyed your face, but I’m hoping you’re suing him into the next millennium. Well, actually maybe I do want to know his name in case I ever do succumb to the knife. I want to avoid him like the plague. Nice, Marysol is still married! And still sporting that giant rock. Oh wait, scratch that… they’re separated. Sorry the whole anniversary conversation threw me off. I will say I’m sorry that they didn’t work out, but I can’t say I’m all that surprised. I mean they knew each other for what, 15 minutes, before they got married? Wait, so Marysol paid a psychic to tell her that she’s going to meet new women and there will be a lot of gossip? That’s an amazing prediction to give someone who is on a TV show about bitchy women! Lady, Miss Cleo could have told you that for 99¢ a minute.
Melissa’s What Happened: We meet our first newbie Ana as she’s cooking in her kitchen with her daughters and husband Robert. She’s a lawyer who has developed a passion for the culinary world. She claims they are a modern family, and I kind of like her at this point. Hey now, she’s separated from her husband, yet he’s still coming to dinner because “it’s complicated”. They are still best friends and their relationships doesn’t conform to traditional standards. I still like this one. Let’s just see if she stays normal and doesn’t get into the petty cat-fights that we all come to expect from our Housewives.
Rachel: Our first new housewife… Her husband looks familiar and about 10 years younger than her. Oh I’m sorry her soon-to-be-ex-husband. Interesting relationship with her ex. I guess it’s good that they’re friends and not hating on each other in front of their kids. I’m thinking we all could do without the dirty penis jokes though. OK, that was a weird edit between Ana & Marysol, but I think thus far, I like Ana. I think.
One Step Ahead
Melissa’s What Happened: Karent is our next newbie who knows you have to stay one step ahead, but since she’s Columbian people tend to gravitate towards her. I don’t live in Miami nor am I Colombian so I’ll just go with what she says. She’s also a pageant girl and that’s where she gets her edge (?) and doesn’t apologize for anything. She’s also considered the dentist to the stars in Miami. Whew, at least this one has a job. She misses her boyfriend Rodolfo Jiménez (the Latin soap star) when he travels and she has to do the red carpet thing alone. Oh no, there’s another woman… Ana who flirts with him. But never fear, she’ll defend what she has. Hey now, could that be new Housewife Ana? Oh Bravo, please let it be so… The Miami ladies need all the help they can get. So, Karent’s parents live with her, thus clearly making this the season of the family. Yes, it’s hokey, but I guess it’s Bravo’s attempt to make us a little more interested in the women. Mama and Papa grill him about whether or not he misses Karent when he travels and don’t appreciate his sense of humor about bedding the other ladies. I’m thinking Karent doesn’t care for it either, but is trying to keep cool for the cameras.
Rachel: Oh boy, a pageant girl… who is a dentist. Some ambitious ladies this season. I like. Maybe I should call her up… my dentist has a waiting list for an appointment until December. How does that happen? That’s a lot of teeth trying to get seen. Oh lookie at her boy toy… er boyfriend… He’s not hard on the eyes. Wait, is the Ana flirting with her man the Ana we just met? Oh I sure hope so! Oh how cute are her parents? I love the stink eye her mom is giving the boyfriend for joking about cheating on her daughter. She’s about to come across that kitchen island and mess up that pretty mug of his.
Melissa’s What Happened: Let’s catch up with our old friend Leah and her search for some new real estate befitting her “Mayor of Miami” moniker. I’m confused, she bought a house before the inspectors took a look at it? That’s not very wise, Lea. Anyway, she’s going to make her agent Lourdes suffer through her decisions of what to do with this particular house because she’s the one who got her into this. She would rather teardown than attempt to rebuild. The new spot is on Star Island (hence why she wants to move there) and as soon as she hits the outside she is in love with the place. Could it be the enormous penis shaped pool, Lea? She wants to check out the other house on the block that has recently sold, and it is at this point where I realize why I didn’t like her last season… The over-the-top-screaming-with-excitement-about-everything attitude. Take it down a notch, honey. Lea loves the other house and thinks it’s a better house and lot than hers. I’m going to have to ask the dumb question here – bear with me friends. If she didn’t like the other house, why buy it? She sets her sights on finding out who bought the house and is hoping for someone fabulous. Oh Lea, you’re going to be so disappointed.
Rachel: Hey, someone’s been pushing away from the table. She looks great. Her personality isn’t any less large, however. That’s some house she’s wanting to tear down. I think I could live with a musty smell if someone wanted to give me that house. Aw lawd, she’s going to scream the whole season isn’t she? And really, could you be more pretentious? Whoever bought the house is thrilled, I’m sure, that you’re going to be two doors down.
Speak of the Devil
Melissa’s What Happened: So we meet Lea’s new neighbor, Lisa (I’m guessing here). She considers her life blessed though she thinks people who didn’t know her would think her life is spoiled (as she’s asking a member of her staff to hide shopping bags for her). Yeah, I’m totally not picking up what you’re putting down. She’s married to her plastic surgeon so she can remain youthful forever. Guess who just jumped to the top of my annoyance list? Her husband is apparently the “boob God”… Or maybe just a boob for marrying this one. She is his walking business card and as such, he corrected her first boob job so he wasn’t associated with sub par work. Her parents must be so proud. There it is, they are moving to Star Island… Duh,duh, duhn. Apparently their current neighbors aren’t tolerant of their lifestyle so they need to move along. And what can only be called an odd conversation, she remarks that she needs a little botox on her forehead and can he bring some home tomorrow… Like it’s a gallon of milk. BTW, I hate the fact that I have to “teach” my Mac the spelling of botox. She doesn’t have an actual “job” but her husband works 12 hour days so she has to take care of everything (and by take care of, we mean tell Daysy her housekeeper what to do). Oh, the exhausting life you have. How do you cope with it all? So they decided (Lisa and the hubs) to give Daysy a boob job and a tummy tuck as a gift from them, but not until after Daysy is forced to “work out” with Lisa. After a hard workout Lisa thinks they should have a drink, even though Daysy is a recovering alcoholic… Nice Lisa, really nice. Lisa’s goal is to make her beautiful so she can be every man’s fantasy of hooking up with their housekeeper. I’m done with this twit. Where’s my wine??
Rachel: Sweet Mary, that house is insane. Yeah, that’s a lot of boob jobs. So, I’m assuming these are the people moving in next to Lea. And do you really think going to a more exclusive address gives you more tolerant neighbors? Doubtful. I doubt they’re going to be excited about your “sexy parties”. I’m already dreading them and I live an hour away. I love that she thinks telling the housekeeper what to clean and helping her do sit-ups qualifies as a job. How hard can it be to be a pastor? Seriously? I’m thinking you probably might need to learn a few things before you get up on the pulpit… like what it says in the Bible for starters. Meanwhile, I’m dying to see what Lisa looked like pre-surgeries.
Melissa’s What Happened: Our other newbie is model Joanna. How do I know she’s a model? Why that’s how she chose to make her intro to us – at her Ocean Drive shoot. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike models. I happen to have a friend who is a model and I adore her. But let’s just see how this one ranks in the annoying department. Oh and hey now… I recognize her from the Maxim cover they just flashed. OK, bring it girlie, let’s see what you’ve got on the personality front. Oh no, she’s a PETA person. Here we go… It’s not that I dislike PETA. What I have an issue with is the people who are all Judge Judy with me stomping their leather clad feet – true story, happened to me while eating a burger in college. Instead of talking to her fiancé, she likes to have her sister Marta do it for her. Apparently the fiancé belittles Marta and she doesn’t care for it – good for you sista! Joanna doesn’t want drama though for her shoot and of course takes it out on her sister. Way to put your sister in her place. Yes it is all about you. Marta spills the dirt that the shoot isn’t for a cover which sets the fair Joanna off. She doesn’t downgrade for anyone and it had better be a cover. Quick-snap she gets on the phone with I assume her agent and informs them that they need to call OD and tell them they have no rights to use the photos if there’s no cover. She refuses to be inside editorial. Hello resident diva, thanks for joining us. I love that Marta seems almost thrilled to watch her sister unhinge over the thought of being editorial work instead of the cover. Oh, now this sister Marta I like. I like a lot. Romain enters after her “hard day” at the shoot and she tells him about her work not being on the cover. He’s hung over which is why he couldn’t make it to the shoot. It seems our girl Joanna might have a little issue with her alcohol as well… Issue being that she drinks and gets out of hand. OK, I’m cool with that. Romain and Marta go back and forth trying to point out the “oh you did this last night” with each other, and I’m calling it now – that’s latent sexual attraction on someone’s behalf. Joanna thinks she’s one of the new kids in town and the “elders” need to move over.
Rachel: Oh yay, models on a crusade. How fun for us. OK, she’s gorgeous, I’ll give her that, but I was surprised to read that she’s only 33. In certain lights she looks younger, but when we first saw her, I was like alright, a 40-year-old model! Maybe it’s just me being bitter. Yeah, maybe. And wow, quite the diva. And who sits around in a silver mini dress? But let’s all be clear that we have been forewarned about her drinking. Should be a good time. Wonder if she could hang with Sonja.
No Place Like Home
Melissa’s What Happened: Speaking of elders… We catch up with Adriana. See what I did there? Adriana is at her pad with her man Frederic. Yes, they’re still engaged and living together which I’m sure is noteworthy in Miami circles. I have to say, she didn’t impress me the first season, and the jury isn’t far from an annoyance conviction on this second season. Frederic wants to surprise her with a new yacht. HA, he’s purchased the S.S. Minnow! He’s in the process of refitting the yacht, but if you ask me, he’d be better off trying to turn a kayak into a yacht. Not to mention he wants them to live on it. She equates the boat to the slums of Rio and I have to agree a bit. She lays down the rules that she wants a space for her baby Grand piano and a walk-in-closet. Um, I would have gone for plumbing first, but whatever.
Rachel: The whiner’s back. I wouldn’t have minded if they got rid of her. Wait, her fiance wants them to live on a boat? I mean it’s not like it’s a dinghy but living on a boat? That has to get old fast. Well, no surprise, she’s as big of bitch as she always was.
Coming Out of The Closet
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh, Elsa!! I adore this crazy bitch. After all the posters and the APB they tried to arrange with the Sheriff’s office (no, I made that up, but I wouldn’t doubt it) Napoleon, the lost dog, has returned… from the closet. Personally, I think in her wine haze she couldn’t see him, but whatever, the pooch has returned. Oh joyous day. Marysol questions why she dresses her boy dog like a girl. I question why dress a dog period. Elsa needs to get the anxiety out of her system, so what better way than to ask Marysol about Philippe her soon-to-be ex. Nice diversion tactic my dear. Send your daughter running off to the other room in tears. She knows he’s not the Romeo of her life and wants different for her. To relax her anxieties the housekeeper Mimi begins singing to her and puts her to a mini coma. WTF? Man, this is come crazy juju going on in this house. Elsa gets her energy back by running her hands through her sand bin before hugging it out with Marysol. Holy cray-cray! I can’t imagine what it’s like to live in that house 24/7!!
Rachel: How do you lose a dog once a week? And in a closet at that. Don’t let Joanna hear about this or PETA’s going to be picketing outside faster than you can say “Mar-ee-sol”. Did Elsa just tell her daughter that her marriage breaking up is wonderful? I mean even if it wasn’t a great marriage, it’s still painful. That’s awesome mothering when you say you picked an argument because you had to let the steam out. Thankfully the housekeeper is there to sing her off the ledge… and clean up the sand she tossed all over the floor.
Melissa’s What Happened: At Lea’s, Adriana stops by to talk about the Star Island house, and agrees to the knock it down concept. Adrianna tells her a friend just bought a house out there. You can almost see the annoyance creep over Lea’s face as she hears that Lenny is a breast man. Lea wants Adriana to bring them to the wine and food festival so she can pass her own brand of judgment on her new neighbors.
Rachel: And the connection has been made. Lea & Lisa are going to be neighbors. And poor Rosie O’Donnel is in the middle. How long til she puts her pad up for sale?
Melissa’s What Happened: In her office Ana doesn‘t want to scream down the hall at Robert, yes, her soon-to-be ex with whom she shares a practice. Um, that’s odd no? She wants to move the practice to Coral Gables and he doesn’t. He wants to focus on consumer defense to represent the regular people and worries Coral Gables is too uptight for them. Hang on, that was the most random scene of this entire episode. What the hell was that all about?
Rachel: Wait so you are separated, but he comes over for dinner all the time & you work together? Yeah, that all seems healthy. Who would want to date either of them? And at this point, aren’t you really still married but without the monogamy part?
Prepping For The Meet
Melissa’s What Happened: Marysol and Elsa head out for the evening and pick up Alexia and Ana. Hey now, way to sneak in an old-timer Housewife in on us without mentioning anything. Alexia’s son is hitting 15, but suffered through a horrible car accident and almost died. She hasn’t left his side since. OK, so we’ll give her a pass for now.
Rachel: Wait, Alexia is still on the show too? Well, I was about to make a snide comment but that is very sad news about her son. Glad he’s doing better. Glad I kept my pie hole shut.
Melissa’s What Happened: While Marysol, Alexia and Anna pop out of the limo, poor Elsa is kept waiting while they get their proper screen time before the driver can make it back for her.
Joanna is hoping to meet a few people because she can’t find people to bond with in Miami. Is it me, or is Lea gliding in much like a serpent? Maybe I’m just projecting my annoyance too early. That being said, I’m going to be forgiving with that cleavage she’s attempting to rock. Maybe she should pay a visit to Doctor Lenny. Honestly, that’s SO not the look for you. Two clicks after the intro to her new neighbor, Lea quickly moves on to Mama Elsa. Hello snub, thanks for stopping by the party. Poor Lisa seems to desperately want to prove herself to Lea. Let it go, sweetie.
Joanna tries to chat with Mama Elsa who clearly isn’t all there at this point, and tells her she needs to find a chair to sit. Of course being respectful (we hope) Joanna is off in search of a chair.
Karent finally arrives with her man and Ana recognizes him immediately (told you so) and she doesn’t see them in a “proper” relationship. The skinny from Ana is that Rodolfo is friends with Alexia and she knows him from the hospital. He asked for her number and began texting her. She knew it was more than just a friendship he was interested in. NOW, Karent’s side of the story is that Rodolfo has seen Ana at multiple events and she would always flirt with him and then text him. Ana gets a “nice to meet you” from Rodolfo upon seeing her. DOH! In Joanna’s camp, Marta gets upset about something Romain is texting to Joanna about her. While everyone is on top of everyone talking and trying to take up Housewives sides and form alliances, Elsa collapses. Poor thing was overcome by all the heat and pretentiousness, I think. Joanna thinks it’s all the new relationships causing stress on her. Um, ya think? I’m about ready to pass out after this extended episode and I’m half her age… Er, maybe a few years younger.
Rachel: Wait, Alexia is still on the show too? Well, I was about to make a snide comment but that is very sad news about her son. Glad he’s doing better. Glad I kept my pie hole shut. Lisa is trying way too hard to impress Lea. Take it down a notch, sister. And don’t make comments about class then turn around at a high-end wine event and throw back shots. Here comes the behind-the-scenes gossip on Karent & her boyfriend. Yep, that’s the one who he’s been texting with. I have to say that I believe that he was hitting on Ana. He just seems sleazy to me. And I think her parents would agree. The fact that he introduces himself to Ana makes me even more convinced he’s a sleaze. Everyone knows you know her so what’s with the front? Innocent guys don’t do that. Whoa, down goes Elsa. Those Miami nights really can be suffocating. Really suffocating. Trust me. I bet the heat just got to her. Well, that or the smell of bullshit and botox became too much.
Rachel: They had better pick the pace up pronto or I’m gonna last about 2 episodes. I will say I do like the new ladies better than the old crew. And by like, I mean I think they have potential for more interesting TV… not that that is saying much
Melissa: Totally calling shenanigans on the hour fifteen show. That alone makes me want to ditch these ladies again.