One Sentence Summary: The Housewives make ruining vacations an art & St Barths is no exception.
Rachel: I’m not ready for this. I’m not. They’re going to scream and yell and carry on and make me want to hug my pillow. Remember last week when I was all excited to watch the fireworks? Well, the fireworks are too loud and I would like them to stop. And by fireworks, I mean Aviva. We all know I have not been a fan from jump, but last week took the cake. Who tells their friends to go and kiss their husband’s ass? It’s just insane. And from the previews, it looks like the fighting doesn’t stop. Can someone invite Tomas over so he can sex up the ladies and make them forget themselves? Or at least pop in a DVD of The Pirates of the Caribbean and distract the maniacs. Well, I suppose there’s nothing left to do but pour myself a glass of 14 Hands cabernet and get on with it.
Melissa: We’re back to St. Barths and I’m sorry to say I’m about done with the ladies in paradise. Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice drunken trip as much as the next bitch, but there has to be a point where you just need to check out of the cray-cray and enjoy where you are, not necessarily who you’re with. I just feel exhausted with the back and forth and need everyone to go home and let the poor island relax.
A Few Good Men
Rachel’s What Happened: Uh-oh, there are not one but two penises in the compound! Sound the alarm! Someone let Reid & Russ have breakfast in a public area! This is not going to go over well. Aviva, of course, is lapping it up because Carole in on Team Testosterone now. Take that Ramonja! Though I do have to say that their double date tonight is a violation of what a girls’ trip is about. I mean I’m not even sure why Aviva came if she is just going to hate on the girls and hang out with her husband. Take your own vacation. But at this point, they’re there. Might as well let it go and enjoy your last few days in paradise.
I love the Ramonja is looking up what “white trash” is. Ladies, come on. How do you not know what it is? But it’s time to get ready for the day, which means another round of bathing suits. Carole comes to pick up the angry twins, and Ramona immediately lets her know that she’s displeased with the change in energy. She also not pleased with the foursome going to dinner and leaving the rest of the girls behind. You know, again, I get the idea behind their anger, but it’s time to let it go. Have a night with Heather & LuAnn and don’t worry about what the other four are doing. Meet up after for a drink. They’re not worried about you, clearly.
Well, the situation that Sonja would like diffused is not getting diffused because Aviva has arrived to loudly express all her feelings all over everyone. Carole is trying to explain that she never gets to see Russ and they’re just going for an early dinner. They’ll meet up afterwards. See, what did I just say? But it’s all lost because Aviva is on her rant again about her less-than-warm welcome. And the “how dare yous” are now flying all over the room. She’s accusing them of partying too much, which is hilarious… and says they can’t handle the truth. OK Jack, take it down a notch. I mean who cares if Sonja shacked up with a guy? She’s a grown-up. She can sleep with the entire Le Ti pirate crew if she wants. And for the record, them not wanting Reid there has nothing to do with no witnesses… I mean call me crazy, but I think that giant camera you’re talking into is the prosecution’s star witness.
Melissa: Oh a coup has been staged and there’s a 4-some dinner planned for the evening? You know that’s not going to sit well with Ramona. Eh, what did I JUST say. It’s not turning into a couples trip, and what the hell anxiety do you have Sonja because there are men there? You didn’t really care there were men in the house when you were banging Tomas. Shocking that Ramona and Sonja aren’t excited about anything anymore. Why because it’s not about you and someone is enjoying themselves and you have no way of putting a stop to it? Sweet Mary these two are just so juvenile. So what if there are “boys” in the vacation house. Who the hell cares? Just be fricking happy you’re in the islands and not in bitch-cold New York. Sonja, why would Aviva want to spend time with you when you and Ramona spend your time talking about her and her husband? Sorry Aviva, I have to correct you, the whole viewing nation has a hint of the atrocious behavior.
Side Bar: I’m already annoyed with tonight’s episode. These women are seriously stomping my last nerve with the petty BS.
It Ain’t Over Yet
Rachel’s What Happened: How lucky for LuAnn that she gets to have her day of fun in the middle of Hurricane Bitchfest. And how lucky for her friend Cat that the eye of the storm is going to pass right through her restaurant. Good times. Carole would like to broker peace at the table but Sonja isn’t interested in hearing her speak on her behalf. Carole can say what she feels, but leave Sonja out of it. I was about to be with you on that one until you put your hands over your ears Sonja. But mostly I’m with Heather and wishing they would all just drop it.
They do, but Aviva goes headfirst into tales of small planes possibly crashing into blue waters. Apparently, Carole had asked that this subject not be discussed and it makes her very emotional. I’m sure between no sleep and all the drama in the house, her nerves are raw. I’m not there and my nerves are raw. But I’m also sure that losing your best friends/family is not something you ever get over. Way to be sensitive guys… not that I’d expect any of them to be aware of anyone’s feelings but their own.
Aviva finally gets the memo and pulls Carole aside to make sure she’s ok. But back at the table, Sonja is still unaware that the “drop it” order is in effect and is still ranting about being called white trash. Look, you were kind and appreciative to Reid when he came in. Aviva is choosing to ignore it. So please return the favor and ignore her. But no, rant and rant and rant away. Meanwhile, Carole & Aviva are getting their callouses eaten off of their feet by “pedicure fish”. We have now entered a world so ridiculous, I might have to shut this whole thing down… or drink more wine. What’s my motto? Oh yes, wine is always the answer. OK, I press on. As Sonja continues to spiral, now Ramona is fanning the flames of Heather who didn’t realize they weren’t invited to tonight’s dinner. Oh boy… here we go again. Well, first Ramona has to deal with her diarrhea. Well, great, now I have that image in my head. Looks like it’s gonna be a long night.
Heather asks Carole & Aviva about the couples dinner and why she wasn’t invited. Look, I don’t blame her for not wanting to get stuck with Ramona & Sonja. They’ve been awful to her and it’s not cool to dump her off with them. Sorry. It’s not. I’d be pissed too. Then again, I’d just be so pissed at everyone at that point, that it wouldn’t matter who said what. I’d just be annoyed. How do I know this? Because I have been on this trip… and without men involved. It’s exhausting. Drama makes everyone edgy. I promise you if this happened at home, she wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. Well, she’d probably give a rat’s ass if she had to hang with Ramona.
Melissa: Yes, a toast to trying to reel everyone in and pray for calmness. And there we go, can’t even get through a toast without getting the hackles up. Well, color me shocked that I’m completely agreeing with Heather right now. The new girls need to understand these ladies will never own anything they do or say. Poor Carole, I think she thought she could plan something nice for the ladies and it completely backfired. I’m thinking next time she has a trip planned anywhere she’s not going to extend the invite to the rest of the crew. Ladies, who cares if there is a couple’s dinner? FYI Ramona, announcing your diarrhea at the lunch table is a bit white trash – just letting you know.
Heather, why do you have to go on the assault now too? Can someone please explain to me why it is such a big flipping deal that there is a couple’s dinner? Did you ever think the invitation wasn’t extended to Ramona and Sonja because their behavior has been tantamount to a childish tantrum at this point? God I am so done with this vacation!! I do love Carole’s conversation with Heather. She’s good people and really cares about whether her behavior has an impact on others regardless of the situation.
Rachel: Oh, Melissa, you know why.
When The Bough Breaks
Rachel’s What Happened: I feel you, Heather. I feel you deep. Nothing more exhausting than bad energy. But Carole gets props for always dealing with people and not just talking about them behind their backs. It helps calm Heather down and I really think they two of them genuinely enjoy each other… and genuinely cannot understand the other women.
Side Bar: I want Carole’s dress.
Three Can Play At This Game!
Rachel’s What Happened: This is hilarious. Sonja and the house chef are getting their flirt on. No one can accuse Sonja of not making the most of her “resources”. I mean if it’s balls to the wall with men in the house, then she’s gonna takes those balls and run with them… Or at least fondle them. Of course, Aviva is standing there watching… smirking… waiting for her moment. And her moment is now… She lets Sonja know that she is there to talk about HER dinner plans. You know, the ones with the men. Of course, Sonja replies with the standard bitchy “girls’ weekend” response. And we’re off to the races. C’mon Aviva, you see she’s feeling no pain and you know she’s going to swing at whatever softball you lob at her. And what is the stick up your ass about women over 40 having casual sex? It’s the new millenium! She can do with her body what she likes! You don’t have to agree with it. I don’t necessarily agree with it, but it’s not my business. And it’s not yours either.
And whoa, where’s the two-faced double dealing coming from Aviva? I would like someone to pull out the giant stick that Aviva has up her ass and beat her about the head with it. At this point, Sonja has officially gone off the rails at that comment and is screaming about all her friends and her mouth being money. I don’t even know what that means, but the chef is intrigued. But seriously, Aviva, she did thank Reid when he walked in. So, when you are standing there on your soapbox about how you own your mistakes, maybe acknowledge that one.
Melissa: Really Sonja, do you think you could take it down a notch? I don’t need you full court press the wine guy. I mean at least let me down my wine and top off my glass if I have to watch your “flirty banter”. While I’m at it, you need to take your attitude down a notch with Aviva, and Carole for that matter. Your feelings are hurt? Are you kidding me? You are on a beautiful island in an amazing house dining at wonderful restaurants that 98% of the population can’t even fathom experiencing because they need to worry about things like getting food on the table for their families and having heat in the winter. Yeah, we get how horrible this trip must be for you because there are two men around (who by the way we haven’t seen since breakfast). Get over yourself. Try being a little appreciative of how lucky you are to be there regardless of who else made the trip, you obnoxious twit.
My Dinner Can Kick Your Dinner’s Ass
Rachel’s What Happened: So begins the dueling dinners. Aviva is still on her “Girls Gone Wild” jag, to which Reid interjects “Old Overweight Girls Gone Wild.” Now, I’m sorry but I have to interject here. That’s such a dick thing to say. You can be all macho about your lady, but to call them fat is just below the belt. None of them are overweight. Sorry, most women don’t look like the two at the table with you.
At the other dinner, the girls are laughing about Heather walking into the door and smashing her nose. Sign me up for this dinner.
Melissa: Oh my, it’s a tale of two dinners, and I have to say I think even with Aviva’s constant comments about the flight I’d rather be with them at dinner than the other ladies. Well, I could do dinner with Heather, I think. That bitch is growing on me.
Wait, Isn’t This My House?
Rachel’s What Happened: Sun up on another day of paradise. Heather asks Carole about dinner. She says it was nice but she stayed with Russ at his hotel because she didn’t want to come back to the house. You know, the one she rented. But it’s her day to plan and she has brought tranquility to the house in the form of on-location massages and mani/pedis. Now, I’m jealous. Well, I still don’t think I’d want to be at that house.
Enter Sonja in her little pink teddy & undies coming down for her morning meal… and by meal, I mean the chef. She seems happy but Aviva isn’t ready to be alone with her so when Carole says she’s running to put on a bathing suit, Aviva requests that she not dawdle. Carole obliges and says she feels like Gandhi as fights break out when she’s not around. But Gandhi was assassinated so this is not a good omen for Carole.
While LuAnn & Heather get massages somewhere not in range of the rest of the women (lucky girls), Ramonja gets their nails done and discusses Aviva’s poor behavior and role as “energy suck”. They aren’t kissing the ground she walks on. She’s crazy if she thinks that’s happening. I swear “two snaps in a circle” is coming next.
Melissa: How sad is it that Carole made all the plans for that fantastic house and she felt like she couldn’t spend the night there because she was with Russ? I’m calling shenanigans on these ladies. Wait, really Sonja? Strolling down in your nightie with your ass hanging out? Are you for real? I get you’re on vacation and you want to channel your inner Girls Gone Wild, but not when the rest of us have to watch it, please. OK? Now Ramona is in her robe? EW, did we really need to hear about you humping Tomas, Sonja? We get it, you like to have sex… Good on you, but I don’t need to know about your adventures “in the garden”.
Planter’s Punch Drunk
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh joy, another attempt at girls’ night out before Russ’s concert. And on the way, we have to hear more of Aviva’s incessant discussion of Ramona & Sonja’s behavior. Not that it’s any better in the other car with Ramona, Sonja & LuAnn. Enough! Enough enough enough! I’m actually getting ready to punch the TV. It’s a dead topic. Move on! I mean you’re having drinks at sunset in paradise. What the hell is there to bitch about?
As the women get seated, Aviva makes a snide comment about having to sit next to Ramona. Really? You can’t help yourself, can you? And neither can LuAnn who makes a toast with her planter’s punch to Aviva making it to St. Barths. You little pot stirrer. Just love to push buttons. Thankfully, Carole redirects the conversation to the sunset. Oh look ladies, pretty!
The ladies head off from drinks to see Russ’s concert. Well, four of them do. Ramona & Sonja were in their own car which seems to have made a wrong turn along the way. Well, less a wrong turn and more a detour back to the house. That’s obnoxious. You’re really going to bail on Carole’s boyfriend’s concert? On a girls’ weekend???? Aren’t we the little hypocrites. And now you’ve pissed off Carole. Your hostess. If anyone should be screaming about getting their ass kissed, it should be her.
Melisssa: Please Lord let this go quick – and painless if you can swing that too. I’ve had about all I can handle with these women right now. I can’t believe all this arguing has to take place. Really LuAnn, why do you have to raise a toast to Aviva for making there? Don’t get the pot going again. Of course Ramona and Sonja ditch Russ’s concert. I don’t care if he’s blowing into a Coke bottle, when your hostess invites you to see her boyfriend’s band play, you go. You can put the glass of wine down for 30 minutes to spend time with your friends (haven’t you been screaming half the trip this was a GIRLS weekend).
Rachel’s What Happened: Concert’s over and the women arrive home just in time to find Ramonja drinking. Carole has planned a lovely dinner for their last night that neither of them wants to eat. They need to pack & go to sleep. This is confusing to Aviva, who now wants to party it up. What’s confusing to me is the sign language dance that Sonja is doing behind Aviva’s back. Anyway, Sonja goes to change her dress and it becomes known at the table that it wasn’t cool that Ramona bailed on the concert. Ramona pretends she didn’t know anything about the concert before tonight. Cue footage of Carole telling them about the concert back in NYC. Oh if only that could happen live as Ramona is denying it. Being put on the spot isn’t interesting to Ramona. Neither is Heather talking about the music industry, so off Ramona goes to find her key to the safe. Well, really to inform Sonja that the women are so boring. Children.
Carole who, bless her, is still trying to have a nice dinner with everyone goes to fetch them and bring them back to the table. Instead she gets assaulted and insulted when Ramona says she doesn’t feel badly about missing dinner or the concert since Carole missed the entire lunch LuAnn planned. Carole tries to explain why she left, but Sonja straight up doesn’t care and says it. She’s too busy blow-drying her dress. Yep, her dress. Don’t ask me. I didn’t know you were supposed to change bathing suits for lunch. You think I know about blow drying dresses? But Carole doesn’t let them railroad her and tells them why she was upset. Suddenly, the two of them give two shits. But you know what, it’s two shits too late. Carole says there is an inelegance to them when they drink. Honey, there’s an inelegance to them when they breathe.
But the dinner must go on… And go on it does and it’s fun… until Ramona comes back and takes over the conversation prattling on about her safe key. Lunatic. And then there’s Sonja whose only concern is whose drink she’s drinking. Carole broaches the subject of skinny dipping, which prompts Heather to jump in to the pool fully clothed. Oh no! I liked that dress! And Carole’s too! LuAnn’s could use some chlorine. Next Aviva. And then Sonja goes naked, of course. Ramona is being a stick in the mud and refusing to go in… but Ramona doesn’t always get her way and is hip-checked into the pool by Heather. How much did Heather enjoy that? Almost as much as we all enjoyed watching it.
So all’s well that ends with swimming?
Melissa: Wait, can anyone explain to me why Sonja is blowdrying her dress? I mean other than the simple fact that she’s drunk. No Carole, sit back down, don’t go into that room and deal with the circus that is Ramonja. Yes Carole, an inelegance to them… Couldn’t have said it better myself. Well, maybe Aviva could… White Trash anyone? Wait Sonja… Did you just steal someone’s drink? Oh, HIGH-FIVE Heather for tossing Ramona in the pool.
Rachel: The ladies are packing it up and heading back to Manhattan. What are the odds they leave some of the baggage behind? Right…
Melissa: I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see a vacation end.