One Sentence Summary: The ladies show such childish behavior that it makes Pervy Grandpa George look classy.
Rachel: Oh lord, Granpappy Perv is back this week. Did we not have enough of him in Miami? I hope he’s not becoming New York’s version of Joe Giudice’s (RHONJ) bare chest. You know that horribly disturbing thing that Bravo throws in your face every week as some sick joke on its viewers. Think about it… OC has Slade AND Brooks, NJ has The Joes and their body parts being exposed at every turn, BH threw crazy Asian Franck at us and now NY has Granpappy Perv. I’m scared to find out what Miami is going to spring on us next season. I’m going to need therapy at the end of this. Well, I mean more than I already do. But tonight my belly is full with lobster, Meiomi Belle Glos Pinot Noir & blood orange sorbet so I feel somewhat mellowed enough to deal. Let’s see how this goes.
Chips, Dips, Chains, Whips
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole is having a holiday party that she says is kind of hokey but she wanted to do it for the girls. Yeah, you really wanted to do it because Bravo says you have to host a certain amount of events. But that’s cool. Nothing wrong with a White Elephant holiday party, especially in your fab outfit. LuAnn is first to arrive without Jacques. Seems he’s bailed tonight. Can you blame him? He’s been verbally assaulted the last two times he’s shown up somewhere. That’s a lot even for a Frenchman. But guess who is coming… That’s right, Granpappy Perv. Couldn’t break us in gently.
Aaaaand there he is. LuAnn starts flirting with him because it clearly has not be explained to her that that is dangerous behavior. It could get you poked in places you don’t want to be poked with “things” you don’t want to be poked with. Rein it in Countess. But she’s in luck as Sonja walks in and is immediately sucked into George’s vortex. Thankfully, Perv isn’t sitting near her and her “bit of a fever”, which is really code for “Back the hell off.”
It’s present time. As each person picks a gift, they can keep it or steal someone else’s… or something like that. Everyone plays by different rules and I wasn’t listening to Carole. Sorry! Sadly, I didn’t miss Granpappy Perv say that the wine “drip ring” looks like a cock ring – you know, the thing gay guys put on their cocks. What a vile old man. He really is disgusting. Then someone actually purchased and gave a ball-gag as a gift. Reid opens it and is immediately told to give it to Perv who trades him his drip ring. Four minutes into the show and I want to hide under my covers.
Carole opens a gift and a lizard jumps out. Who the hell brought a lizard? What is wrong with these people? Perv says it’s a special clitoris lizard. See, that’s not even remotely funny. If you’re going to be a disgusting pig, at least try to make it live in the ballpark of funny. I actually officially hate him. I’d rather hang out with the NJ Joes, and that’s saying something.
And BTW, no mention of why Ramona isn’t there but Heather is… Circumstance or snub?
No Credit Where Credit Is Due
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s time for Sonja’s toaster over shoot. Well, it’s time for everyone except Sonja. She’s typically late, which is always fun when everyone gets paid overtime when you are one minute over. It’s also always fun when someone is doing you a favor.
Sonja finally shows up and starts giving the food sylist directions on how to cook her food. I’m thinking maybe you want to leave the tinfoil out of the photo shoot. You know, maybe just this once. Now, it’s time for dresses and Sonja wants to know where James is. Heather says she can deal directly with her. She has been working to find her yellow dresses since Thursday, but Sonja feels like she doesn’t have enough options. Holy high maintenance, Sonja. And now she’s playing director with the photographer because she still doesn’t know what her second set-up wants to be. Then back to tell the food stylist how to do her job. Oh she’s the worst nightmare for these people. The client who knows how to do everything better than the professionals. At this point, they’re all probably wishing it was Lindsay Lohan they were shooting.
As Heather is getting the lighting set up, Sonja is getting her hair and make-up done… and getting her tampon changed. Really? Yeah that’s right, we are lucky enough to have Sonja’s heavy periods – clearly due to her young uterus – featured for us in great detail. OK Bravo, you have gone off the rails now. This is totally unnecessary. I might as well be watching the Kardashians if we’re going for the lowest common denominator viewing experience.
Finally, Bloody Mary shows up for the shoot. They get the first shot done and now they can do her second set-up. They are impressed with Sonja’s modeling skills. Sonja is happy she gave Heather & James their shot, but now she wants to do her vision. Heather is ready to go, but needs Sonja to rock it out since they all have day jobs that they need to get to. The second shot doesn’t compare to the first for Heather and her lack of enthusiasm isn’t lost on Sonja.
In the end, Heather is proud of the outcome. They’ll give Sonja selects and she can choose the winner. And we’re almost across the finish line with no major drama when Heather accuses Sonja of not giving her any credit for any of the creative. Aw Heather, just wrap it up and go back to your tummy controllers. She is clearly not going to be your best client and she didn’t actually say you didn’t do anything. She wants what she wants so just let her have it. It’s a freaking toaster over.
Lunch & Neuroses
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole has the girls over and Ramona comes bearing gifts for Carole (roses) and for herself (wine). She says that Carole’s apartment reflects Carole – it’s petite. Oh such the backhanded compliment that Ramona is so famous for. I would almost respect her more if she said what she really meant, which is that the apartment is awfully small for a princess.
Carole wants to order pizzas but no one eats pizza. Seriously? You’re all too uptight to eat a freaking piece of pizza? Ramona would prefer a chicken salad. But in the meantime, she’ll eat the M&Ms which it turns out have been personalized with their brands; Sonja In The City, Ramona Pinot and Yummy Tummy. OK, that’s so fun. Meanwhile, one salad shows up for six women and Ramona wants to call to correct the order. Carole politely tells her that she can be the hostess in her own home. I give you a wink wink for that one, Carole. Gently putting Ramona in her place. Brilliant.
But the real reason the girls are there is to hear Carole’s news that she finished her manuscript. Yay! OK, don’t know why I’m so excited. She is going to celebrate with a trip to St. Barts and all the ladies are invited. There’s a Blues Festival there where her boyfriend will be playing, but she wants it to be a girls’ vacation. Cue Aviva’s neuroses… She doesn’t want to take the small plane from Puerto Rico to St. Barts. She doesn’t want to go on a boat. And she doesn’t want to go on a girls’ trip and hasn’t been on one since her 20′s. Well, that might be part of why you’re so freaking uptight! Go have some fun with your girls! LuAnn says it’s good to let your husband miss you for a few days. Aviva says that he misses her when he’s at work. She just doesn’t know if she can summon the strength. Ramona calls her out and says that maybe they can help her turn the corner on her anxiety. Personally, I’d leave her home. How is dealing with her drama a vacation? Then Aviva says she’ll bring Reid, and no one cares, right? Well, everyone cares but no one is saying anything… well outright. Aviva will think about it. Great… We’ll all be waiting with bated breath for your answer.
Airbrushing & Accusations
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona is having a launch party for her red wine and to showcase her two magazine covers. Let’s note the magazines that are featuring her so that I can be sure never to read them. And for the record, the J’Adore cover is so airbrushed that it doesn’t even look like her. At all.
Ramona corners Sonja and wants to know what really happened at the photo shoot. You know, since she was blackballed and everything. I find it hard to conceive that she thinks she would have been included in the first place. But I find most of Ramona’s behavior hard to conceive. Sonja says that they’re two strong characters and Sonja just wanted to have fun, but Heather was all about “her” vision. Ramona says she steamrolled her. Sonja agrees. Oh come on, Heather gave you your second set-up, on a photo shoot that was done for free, for a project she did as a favor. Gratitude – It’s not what’s for dinner. And Ramona just loves to hear this because clearly Heather really didn’t do anything so she shouldn’t be trying to take credit.
And in strolls Heather, just in time for Ramona to be in full “Mad at Heather” mode. Always looking for an excuse to pick the scab. Sigh. But it’s Heather & Sonja that go head to head about their strong opinions. Heather puts the shiny shine on it. She says that she knows what she wants for you, but it’s what Sonja wants for herself that matters. She has to stand in front of the retailers and sell her product. Very grown up, Heather. Sonja? Well, Sonja tries to say that she appreciates that POV but does it by saying that she was telling Ramona her feelings… Aw lady, bad call. But they agree to move forward in friendship and have fun in St. Barts. Of course, just as things are going swimmingly, Ramona comes along and tells Heather she heard she steamrolled Sonja. SMH…
Now, Ramona needs to talk to Heather. She’s keeping her part of the “pact” to tell each other when something upsets them right away. Ramona isn’t happy she wasn’t allowed to come to the shoot. Wait, I thought we already discussed this. What am I missing? Did I imagine that? Anyway, Ramona says Heather should have picked up the phone and told her directly. Sonja asked her to be there. Heather says she didn’t. Time for Sonja to get involved. She says that Heather said she didn’t want Ramona involved. Well, James said it first and Heather agreed. This enrages Ramona who flips her hair a few times in what I assume is an expression of her anger and goes flying off into the party. This is, of course, before she can hear Sonja say that she wanted it to be just her thing and no she never asked for Ramona to be there specifically. Sweet Mary, who even cares? Why would Ramona think Heather would want her there? And why would Sonja feel the need to create the drama? She couldn’t just say that she wanted to handle it on her own and everyone could walk away happy?
Meanwhile, Ramona is screaming now about it to LuAnn & Aviva. LuAnn isn’t giving Ramona the carte blanche to now steamroll Heather. She says Ramona is a pain in the ass and that Sonja isn’t being upfront about her part in the situation. Ramona agrees, but that doesn’t get her to pipe down. She just moves over to Carole. She’s now not wanting to go to St. Barts. But she has guests to attend to… Yeah, guests who had to witness yet another Ramona moment of bad behavior.
And we’re back to Sonja. Ramona says that the new her isn’t going to make a scene and scream. This makes Sonja laugh. Ramona just doesn’t like liars. Sonja keeps laughing. Oh Ramona, go kick sand in someone else’s sandbox. No one cares anymore.
PS – The women tell Ramona that she looks like Avery in her J’Adore photo. Yeah, if you’re looking more like your 16-year-old daughter than yourself, that’s mega airbrushing. And that’s not a compliment.
Rachel’s What Happened: More Ramona… More pain for my head. Ramona is in a yoga studio and cannot stop talking. Yeah, yoga is a silent practice. Focus on your breath, not your BS. Somewhere in India, a yogi is shedding a tear.
Parlez Vous Asshole?
Rachel’s What Happened: Sonja brings her “interns” to a party that is not to be missed as it’s being thrown by a fabulous jetsetter friend of hers. So, of course, all the girls are invited, which means that Heather & Ramona are going to be in the same room again. It also means we’re all going to be in pain again shortly.
But just as we brace ourselves for more Ramona lunacy, we are blindsided by Aviva’s crazy, and she’s swinging a big bag of it tonight. She decides that now would be a good time to ask LuAnn what her intention was when she made Ramona play the wine guessing game at Jacque’s party. Are you kidding me? First of all, that was how long ago? Second of all, didn’t Mario actually confront Jacques about it and deal with it? Not to mention, LuAnn and Ramona’s holding of the fifth last week. And third of all, how is it any of your business in any form, Aviva, you banana? LuAnn is annoyed and confused by the confrontation. Aviva feels like the behavior was beneath a Countess. Great, still none of your business. Maybe if you had a life of your own, you know other than being scared of everything, you’d be less interested in other people’s problems.
But let’s pull poor Jacques over and subject him to more of this insanity. He says that he is a master of wine and it is his job to bring around wines about which he has only good things to say. He wasn’t going to bash her wine. Aviva maintains that it was a set-up. Jacques is over it and LuAnn just wants to understand what happened to her sense of humor. So, Jacques goes and plays the piano. I mean why would he stand there and be confronted by someone who has no place to be confronting him? I mean talk about behavior that is beneath someone.
Aviva, of course, goes running to Ramona who just says it’s because LuAnn isn’t that bright. But LuAnn & Jacques are leaving for another party, one I imagine is much less intense. On the way out, Jacques & Mario have a little exchange which I thought was good-natured, but Aviva calls Jacques mean in French. I am so beyond at the end of my rope with these women tonight. I mean who actually likes to be this confrontational all the time? Am I missing the sport in it? Wouldn’t just having fun be more, well, fun? Clearly not, because now we’re talking about Jacque’s accent being fake (Wait, he’s now not really French?) and Aviva is peacocking about calling Jacques fake in French. And LuAnn knows nothing about earning money according to Ramona. She just knows how to marry well and divorce well. God, she is so spiteful. She might be one of the nastiest people in the world…. and this from someone who gets mad about people talking behind her back. Look, we all get that what Jacques did might have been construed as mean. Point taken. But he’s been confronted by the person he wronged (ish) and he’s apologized. Enough. Now, you’re all just shitty duplicitous people. Move on…
Heather is disgusted by their behavior. Carole doesn’t care to get involved. Heather tells Aviva that she’s leaving and she finds their behavior just hurtful and mean. Ramona overhears it and off she goes like a the loose canon she is. She’s sick of Heather talking behind her back and she’s going to let her know it in the loudest craziest way possible. Oh for the love… Heather now tells Mario that his crazy wife is freaking out because she thinks the world revolves around her. Aviva says that you can say that to someone about their wife because that’s mean, since she’s the arbiter of nice all of a sudden. You know what, you’re all picking on each other like Carole just said. Everyone go home and don’t come out until you can play nice…. which means this show is effectively not going to happen.
But this is all to be continued next week… Oh joy.
Rachel: Wow, that was insane. I feel like I just lost a boxing match that went 10 rounds. These women should buy us all a trip to St Barts for putting up with that.