One Sentence Summary: I scream, you scream, we all scream for the madness to stop.
Rachel: OK, I’m the weak link here. I know, I know, I know… It’s about time. If I’m being honest, I hadn’t watched a single episode of Bachelor Pad before tonight. So, I’m coming in a bit blind. I did read the recap so I think I have an idea of what’s going on, but it’s not making me feel that much more excited to watch. Not gonna lie, it feels like a chore to watch this nonsense. Two long and torturous hours of this nonsense. And, for the record, I already hate the idea of fans being on the show. I have a feeling they’re not long for the road, but I’m generally wrong about these things so take that for what it’s worth… no much. Anyway, the message here is that I’m finally sacking up and forcing myself to watch this nonsense. I think the promise of both Chris & Kalon smarming it up on my screen is really the clincher for my Bachelor Pad angst. But I press on. Usually this is where I say that there is no need to thank me, but I think you might have to in this case. Just sayin…
Melissa: It’s the ice cream challenge, and really how silly can they get with these challenges? I have zero patience tonight because quite honestly I’d rather watch the Olympics. I’m a sucker for the Olympics. I’m obsessed with it really. Love every moment of it, even the sports I just don’t get… Like track spring cycling. I don’t understand why they start slow and weave all over the place until one just tries to pass. Why not just try to pass right away and get to the bottom? Anywho, I digress. Tonight I’m celebrating this week’s Bachelor Pad with a little dirtiness… Grey Goose dirtiness to be precise (extra olives).
After the Roses
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s the moments after the Rose Ceremony and Reid is questioning his tactics. He fears his plot to get Ed eliminated is coming back to bite him in the ass so he thinks it would be best to confront Ed right away. Too bad Ed has no interest in talking to Reid. He’s interested in more champagne. Then again, who isn’t? Meanwhile Sarah is upset with herself for voting for Ed and then telling him about it, when she has feelings for him. She may have ruined her chances with him. You think? I mean why would sending home the person you’re trying to hook up with be a bad call? Oh yeah, because it’s a royally bad call. She thinks she was a mean person. Possibly, but you were definitely a stupid person.
Ed is trying to figure out what’s going on because he had no idea the Bachelor Pad was so full of deceit and backstabbing. So you’re saying you never watched the show before. He’s so unnerved by the rose ceremony that he thinks he should just go home. Does the poor picked-on virgin get to come back then? Jaclyn doesn’t want him to go because then she’ll be a “floater” and the next to go. Speaking of floaters, how about a little rum topper to my drink barkeep? Oh wait, I’m not drinking. Think we’ll be changing that at the next commercial break. Jaclyn gives Ed the hard-core don’t be a quitter push and he will stay… tonight. Shocker. Like he was really going to walk away from $250k. Oh you had us worried there, Ed.
Melissa: So Reid is worried that it will get back to him because of Sarah’s running to tell Ed she voted for him. I’m still confused as hell about that. I mean, come on, talk about being a silly girl on that one. Then to follow it up with all the drama and tears. Please, I’m going to end up with a muscle pull from rolling my eyes at you folks this week. Thankfully Jaclyn convinced Ed to stay. PUH-LEEEEZE, we all know the folks are here for airtime. Why the pretense they aren’t??
This Is Nuts
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the challenge to be laid on us. What’s in store tonight, Chris Harrison? Oh how exciting! It’s a competition outside of mansion walls. Let’s all hop on a tricked out semi trailer and head out.
The show up & see an obstacle course in front of them. But this is no regular obstacle course. Oh no, the folks at BP are way too clever for that. It’s a “Hot Sludge Fundae” course. Yep, the kids will relay race through ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream (through which they will crab crawl) until they get to a bucket of nuts which they will pour over their heads while in a sack… a nut sack. Ah yes, humiliation knows no boundaries for our fair contestants. Seriously, someone hire me to help come up with these challenges. I would relish the opportunity to put these fools through the ringer in new completely shaming ways. Of course, there is always a twist to these challenges. The partners for this challenge will be made up by pairing the men with the women directly to their left. Oh you crazy producers, you! This is just madness, I tell you! Jamie is now stuck with Ed and she’s not thrilled. Kalon & Erica are now paired up and Sarah is back with Michael Stagliano. Gee, how lucky that it all worked out this way. Winners get roses. Losers get an automatic vote against them going into the elimination. Let the games begin…
The race is as ridiculous as you think it would be. It’s a photo finish between David & Michael. Meanwhile, Jamie, who rocked her half of the relay, is watching Ed fight for a last place finish because he can’t make it up the hot fudge slide. Seriously, how am I talking about a hot fudge slide and it’s not at all in reference to porn? Anyway, Ed seems to have used all his arm strength lifting the liquor bottle to his lips last night and he slides to the bottom of the hill giving Chris the win. This is Ed’s second loss in a row and we’re all learning that he’s not exactly in the running for strongest man. So he and Jamie have a vote against them tonight. Safe are Rachel & David. Whew, a fan makes it through another week.
Cue the hosing down of the half-naked chocolate-covered contestants. Yeah, not one thing sexy there… including Reid’s continual harping about Ed beating him for Jillian. I’m hoping you’re contractually obligated to create this drama, otherwise you’re proving to be one giant pussy of a man. Sorry, but it’s true… and I really liked you on the Bachelorette.
Melissa: Oh boy, another couple’s contest. David knows he needs to get the rose to be safe in the next elimination. Hang on now, maybe you’ll be eliminated for wearing the same girl’s tank that Ryan wore on the Bachelorette. OK, I might be sick looking at this challenge too. I mean, milk sitting out in the sun… That’s just ick. Thanks for the nut sack comment Chris, that made my night… A little. I do like the slide to the left partner rotation. Oh if only Erica was stuck with David, my night really would have been made. I take the Kalon twist though, that just makes for some chuckles for me. I can’t believe they had to go to “roll tape” to decide the winner. I just wish Chris would have come in last instead of Ed (putting Jamie in the ballot box also). That being said, Reid needs to let go of the whole winning Jillian thing with Ed. CLEARLY, he didn’t manage to keep her otherwise he wouldn’t be there. Sheesh, way to hang on to grudges, dude.
The Biggest Threat
Rachel’s What Happened: Everyone is shocked that David is quickly becoming the biggest threat in the house. Jaclyn accuses him of studying the game for ten years. An amazing feat being that the show has been on a total of, what, 3 years? Oh Sensei Dave, will you teach us the ways of the Pad? Ed is back drinking since that’s his best asset. And Blakeley is waiting for David to ask her on a date because he owes her from last week. David now knows he’s a force to be reckoned with. Oh boy, someone’s ego is about to start out-bulging his muscles. This is where even the sharpest of ninjas can make mistakes.
David announces his choices for his dates. First choice is Blakeley. He appreciates her taking the time to get to know him last week, so he is paying her back. Next choice is Erica. She is happy that their rocky start is changing for the better since she needs him on her side. Third date invite goes to Jamie. Chris thinks David is completely ignorant when it comes to women. Clearly he isn’t understanding that Blakeley and Jamie don’t like each other which will lead to drama & crying. But that’s all good since they’ll both be out of the house & he can have a fun time tonight. Yep, still a douche.
Melissa: David, wearing his girlie tank, realizes he may have a shot at making it another round. And everyone else realizes now that he might be more of a threat than they realized due to his ability to win challenges and their complete lack of ability to do anything but talk about each other. Looks like our favorite fan is becoming giddy with power and chasing down his first fame aneurism like it’s the Good Humor truck. Wait, am I the only one who stops what they are doing and stalks the musical truck of happiness when it comes through the neighborhood? Come on, everyone loves a Rocket Pop.
Dave Goes To The Prom
Rachel’s What Happened: In case anyone is wondering, we are only 30 minutes into the 2 hours ABC is forcing on us. Yeah, I know I’m not technically being forced to watch, but it sure feels like it. What really are we going to do for 90 more minutes? Well, I guess first thing we’re going to do is go on a date with Dave and his three ladies of the evening. Look, they’re essentially getting paid – you don’t think they’re on TV for free, do you? – to go on a date with him for one night. So, “ladies of the evening” fits.
The quad arrives at a restaurant that’s been transformed into a Prom. There’s a band, balloons and dresses for the ladies. The girls go to change into their new prom gear & Erica wants to know if Blakeley is going to fight them for time with David. Blakeley says that she’s not interested in playing any of their high school games. I brace for the onslaught of drama I expect is coming, but instead the girls call a truce. Hmmm…. I’m only mildly convinced that’s real. So, I’m only mildly relaxing my grip.
The Prom kicks into high gear with a country band and some dancing. David gets his official prom pictures taken with each of the girls and lays a kiss on Jamie as he dips her for one last photo. Jamie is shocked, but not as much as Blakeley is since this is her alliance and that is her date rose. Like I said, truce schmoose. It’s about to get real.
David gets some one-on-one time with Jamie and she tells him about her rough upbringing. She gets teary and he gets mushy. It touches his heart and it makes him realize what he has to do, whether it pisses people off or not. But before he can officially give Jamie the rose, Blakeley interrupts. She reminds him that she held up her part of their deal and she is expecting him to do the same. Giving her the rose will help him. Giving Jamie the rose would go against the family… er deal they made. Jamie or Erica is going home. Their fates are sealed. This is the message Blakeley is sending. He says he pretty much already promised Jamie. Well, you’ve been warned David. You’ve been warned. These people take this way too seriously.
But he heeds no warnings and gives Jamie the rose. You are now on Blakeley’s “diarrhea list”. Her words. Not mine. So not mine. Jamie is excited to get her first date rose ever. Ah, dare to dream, Jamie. Now the Prom King & Queen dance… about 3 feet apart from each other like they’re at a Bar Mitzvah.
Melissa: Swept off in their limo Erica raises her glass to David (oh that must have killed her), and they all toast to their fun evening ahead. A red carpet welcomes them to a prom (eye twitch). Blakeley tries to tell the ladies they aren’t in high school anymore? Um, then why act it any other time my dear? You could pick up this whole crew and drop them into any high school and they would immediately migrate the halls without skipping a beat.
David’s the King of the Prom! Clearly, Katie Arminger lost a bet too. OH NO, David snuck a kiss to Jamie… AND promised her the rose. Watch your back my friend cause you just jump-started the pissed-off truck for Blakeley. Hope it was worth it.
Reid On The Take
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the house, Reid is still singularly focused on Ed. I’m starting to think that maybe Reid has some repressed feelings for Ed that he needs to explore. I can’t come up with another reason why he’s so obsessed with him. It really can’t be because of Jillian at this point. And if it is, then he should immediately leave the house and seek the attention of a good shrink. Anywho, Reid approaches Ed and tries playing him as an ally by telling him that other people are the issue. Sadly, Ed is just far too clueless to realize that he’s getting duped. So, you aren’t going to win the physical challenges and it’s not looking like the intellect ones are going to be your strong suit either, Ed. Methinks you are not long for this world.
BTW, I cannot keep up with who is hooking up with whom. And as the Bachelor Pad mansion starts to look more like fraternity house, it gets even more confusing. Seems Ed forgot who he’s supposed to be hooking up with and got jiggy with Jaclyn. Sarah is pretty sure that’s mistake that will eventually bite both of them in the ass. Yeah, well right now it seems like they are more interested in biting each other in the ass and keeping the house up with their hooting and hollering… literally.
Melissa: Reid prepares for his attack on Ed… Granted he’s attacking with lemons, but whatever. I love his smoothing things over with Ed, but really Ed, how dumb can you be to fall for that?
Oh shocking there’s a wild party at the pad. OK, for real Sarah could you be a little more of a jelly bean over Ed’s hook-up? You tried to vote him off last week, of course he won’t hit that ever again… Well, unless he gets drunker than he was the first time.
Rachel’s What Happened: Another hour to go… sigh… Time for Rachel to pick her dates. Chris is hoping it’s him so he can continue to avoid the Blakeley-Jamie drama. She chooses Nick, Tony & Michael. Sorry, Chris. Your bed is made and ready to be laid in.
The kids head off to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum – which BTW sits on the former site of one of the coolest music venues in LA. Shame on you, Hollywood. As they run around taking pics with all the “famous” people, they happen upon a section called the Bachelor Experience. They walk in to find a “wax” figure of Chris Harrison. Too bad the editors cut his hands in two different positions into the segment so we all now know that he is about to “magically” come to life. And there he goes. He tells them that they are going to pretend to be wax figures and prank the fans the way he pranked them. Yay! Now everyone can pee themselves!
Rachel would be a great wax figure if she could stop blinking. Then there’s the girl that calls Tony “pathetic” with him standing right behind her. That one actually scared the crap out of the people, but for the most part, it was a fail. Now it’s time for the date rose. Gee, I wonder who’s getting it. Wow, it’s Michael! Who could have seen that coming? Not Tony, who is befuddled by Rachel’s choice of Michael. He’d rather be with her making out then with Mr. Protein Powder (aka Nick). Yeah, problem is, Tony, she’d rather be making out with Michael. And that happens… after some “I really really like you” conversation.
Melissa: Nick, Tony and Michael get dates with Rachel leaving Chris at the pad to deal with the scorned women – HA, yes I’m enjoying his discomfort. I have to say, I’m not digging this date. That place creeps me out, and Chris’s little joke is exactly why I don’t like it. They’re giant dolls… You’re all familiar with Chucky aren’t you??
Again, this is SO why I don’t care for wax museums. Next thing you know they’re real and chasing you with a battle ax. Michael gets a real rose and they get to continue hanging out with the crazy wax statues, but apparently that works for them.
Back At The House…
Rachel’s What Happened: Back at the house, Chris is telling Blakeley not to get too emotionally invested. She’s not. But Jamie is. She knows Chris likes her so she goes to his room to get what is rightfully hers… The dream of falling in love on TV so she can show their kids. She needs to show him she is a woman, she is sexy and she can please him. Seriously, are you really that emotionally immature? Never mind. Seems Chris isn’t in “the mood”. And then he lays the “it’s not you, it’s me” line on her. This is when you turn around and walk out the door. But not Jamie, this is when she ignores every hint that he has no interest in dealing with her right now, goes on a tirade about how he’s hanging from a thin thread and she might not be there waiting for him tomorrow. Oh sweet thing, that’s just music to his ears.
Melissa: Wait, she wants to be able to fall in love on TV to show her kids? And you think you need to prove how sexy and like a woman you are to Chris? That you can please him and make him happy? Did we just time machine back to the 50’s? UGH, you know what I can’t stand? A woman with that attitude, and that Chris is the one that is the recipient of that type of approach. Did she just climb into bed in her bikini? Girl, that’s a yeast infection waiting to happen.
Rhyming & Scheming… Minus the Rhyming
Rachel’s What Happened: In the bright light of the next day, the players begin to scheme again. Yes, we get a full day of it. Joy. More of Reid and his vendetta against Ed. More Sarah running to Ed after talking to Reid. And more of Ed being too dumb to not realize that Reid isn’t his BFF. Was he this dumb on Jillian’s season? I don’t remember that. Maybe he fell down and hit his head between then & now. She’s telling you Reid just said that he wants you off. She told you last week Reid wants you off. What piece of the puzzle are you missing?
Later that night, Ed confronts Reid about being a backstabber. Reid is pretending that he has no idea what Ed’s talking about and is telling Ed that he didn’t really hear what he thinks he heard. Really Reid? That’s your strategy? Well, it is Ed. I guess that might work. Next he says that “everybody’s telling everybody everything.” Yes, Reid. That is happening. People all over the world are telling everybody everything. What? Well, bottom line is you were ratted out. Ed isn’t as dumb as you hoped. And now you may have shot yourself in the foot. Can we vote now?
Nope, Chris H. has to hold a therapy session. Ed doesn’t trust people and his confidence is low. He has a vote against him but he’s holding on to hope. He says this as Reid smirks in his general vicinity. Oh Reid, I’m so over you.
Now we can vote… And while we vote, we get to watch more antics. Kalon plays both teams by saying that he’s voting for the girl they want him to send home. He tells us that he enjoys being in the position of power and watching someone’s life crumble before his eyes. You dick. And really, if getting voted off BP is “life crumbling”, then you got bigger issues than not getting a paycheck from ABC. Meanwhile, Donna is upset that she might be voted off before hooking up with someone. Ah yes, you really are a super fan. Thankfully, Nick is there to give her some lip just in case. And Reid tells Jaclyn that Ed is going home and she would be wise to partner up with him. Jaclyn isn’t digging this vendetta Reid has. It’s not a vendetta, he explains. It’s just the position he’s found himself in. Hmmm… how often do you just find yourself in unexpected positions, Reid? Oh the cockiness is off the charts. Instead of laughing in his face, which is what should have happened, Jaclyn starts crying because she feels badly for Ed and finds Reid abrasive. Yeah, Comet is less abrasive than Reid. Does he even realize he might be going home tonight?
Melissa: Why the hell does Sarah keep running to Ed? You are a stump woman!! Now Ed will go to Reid and you’ll get to watch Ed hook up with Jaclyn again. I love Reid’s poker face. I haven’t even heard anything about who wants who gone, or maybe I’m just blocking it out. At least Blakeley realizes there’s a hint that Chris might not be in her corner – ya think?! I love that Donna claims she can’t leave the pad before hooking up with someone. It’s much better than Kalon’s God complex. It’s the Bachelor Pad sweetie. You’re not curing cancer. Why do the ladies always cry? Why is Jaclyn crying over the Bachelor Pad antics? While we’re at it, Sarah you need to shut the F up. You want to be on a power team, but you keep running to Ed and diming out your team. Moron, party of one, your table is ready.
The Rose Ceremony
Rachel’s What Happened: Finally… let’s hand out some roses and let us all be released from this for a few days. We actually can skip the roses and just get down to Reid vs Ed & Donna v Blakeley. No? Fine… let’s do this then.
Staying: Rachel, Michael, Jamie, David, Erica, Kalon, Lindzi, Chris, Sarah, Tony, Jaclyn, Nick, Blakeley and…. wait for it… Ed.
Who’s Out: Donna and Reid
Bam! That smarts, eh Reid? Jaclyn takes the moment to suggest that they all end the dishonesty now and play the game without pulling fast ones on each other. Yeah, good luck. Reid leaves with his tail between his legs and his foot in his mouth.
Melissa: Jaclyn wants people to reevaluate and be more honest? Um, you’re on Bachelor Pad, not Little House on the Prairie.
Rachel: Oh Donna, I hardly knew ye. Actually, I didn’t know ye at all. And I can’t say I’m sad to see Reid go, which is surprising being that I really liked him when I hit play 2 hours ago. Not no mo’. Oh and since we’re talking, WTF Lindzi! You’re hooking up with Kalon? Ew. Why? I liked you too a couple hours ago…
Melissa: Ugh, I can’t believe how much of the Olympics I missed for this. Also, why do they send them off in separate cars? At least give them some company for the ride to the airport.