One Sentence Summary: We all know these kids are here for the airtime and a shot at money, and a hookup here and there is just the cherry on top of the overexposure sundae.
Melissa’s Thoughts: Here we go again with all the un-chosen from our Bachelor(ette) shows back for another shot at love… Yeah, if love comes wrapped in a 250K check maybe. It seems like just yesterday we were hanging out with the last group of Padmates wondering how many IQ points we lose each episode. I’m flying solo this week as my girl has suffered Bachelorette overload and needs to detox. I like the spin on bringing the “who the hell are they” folks to the show, but I really don’t get why.
Let’s Meet the Pad-mates
Chris: Yeah, Chris we remember you, we just saw you 2 weeks ago on the Men Tell All, and we’re still not loving you. It’s his worst heartbreak but he’ll mend it with a house full of half nekkid chicks. Seems like a legit plan.
Lindzi: Ugh, I have to remember how to spell her name again? I need to just start calling her Lind. I liked her, so she gets a bit of a snark pass this week.
Reid: I have no clue who this guy is, but whatever, he’s a Philly boy and my transplanted roots are strong – until he turns into a douche (they usually do).
Ed: Don’t know this tool either, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like him.
Blakeley: Oh yeah, our favorite VIP cocktail waitress… Turned waxer?? Ah, good move producers having the in-manse waxer available 24/7. I can see it now: hey Blakeley, I’m about to hook up, can I get a little clearing? Am I recalling correctly, does she have a son? Oh these contestants blur together.
Jaclyn: Oh no, she’s got her target set for her frenemy Blakeley. But she has a college education, wonderful my dear… but what’s your day job?
Kaylon: I get such a creepy ‘American Psycho’ vibe from him but without any trace of Bale sexiness. ZERO.
Paige: Welcome to our first Super Fan. I’m already annoyed, especially if she’s grooving on Chris. I don’t know I’d be that “OMG” star-struck by this crew, maybe that’s why I wasn’t invited. Now how funny would it be if they had the Two Winey Bitches in the pad? Oh we’d be losing friends and alienating people immediately.
Chris: OK, I’m a fan of SWAT boy… Er, maybe not – badassedness comes to a screeching halt when you snuggle yourself up with a glass of wine and watch Bachelor(ette) – I should know. Then again, depending on what he’s drinking we might/could hang.
Donna: I almost considered her legit until I saw that shitty squat of hers – yes, I judge her squats. I get it though, she’s the “shake what ya mamma gave ya girl”. Have at it my dear, a little fresh meat for the boys in the pad might shake things up a bit.
David: Oh, he’s MMA. OK, I’ll give him a few props. Just a few… for now.
Brittany and Erica: Oh it’s the twin element. Of COURSE!! They know what’s hot and what’s attractive (at 22 mind you)… LORD, where’s the scotch??
Chris: Yeah, again not thrilled with this selection. Yes, this is the key to getting over Emily. How does one do that? Why you burry your pain deep and shallowly hook up with everything that has a pulse in the Bachelor Pad.
Lindzi: Damn it, I had to look up her name again. This is going to be a long season. I’m digging the dress, but not the bottom.
Oh, and Chris is thrilled that she’s the first to arrive. Stage is set for some woo-ing on his part. Why do I already feel the bile rising in my throat?
Ed: Meh, still unimpressed.
Nick: Oh, it’s the trainer!! Thank goodness he (kinda) fixed his hair. Do you think he took out comments to heart and got himself a deep conditioning treatment?
Rachel: Oh it’s Rachel’s favorite girl. I wasn’t impressed one way or the other with her the first time around.
Sarah: I don’t remember her… oh, because he got sent home like week 1.
Ryan: Oh, we have a weergin; who doesn’t drink. Well at least we know one person who won’t get drunk and bang in the hot tub.
Reid: HA, you can just see the annoyance on his face as Ed talks about their “friendship”. Apparently Reid tried to make a re-run at Jillian (?) after leaving but still got shut down. That is to say much to the amusement of Ed.
Jaclyn: ugh, she’s already on my nerves.
Tony: Wait, didn’t he have to leave Emily to be with his son? Is the son in a trailer in the driveway or will he just start crying on the second night? Oh, his son was apparently fine with Dad taking off to go be on a television show. Good to know.
Blakeley: I got nothing. I just want someone to ask her for a wax.
Jamie: Don’t rememeber her. Maybe it’s just these people become a blur of annoyance and overly whitened teeth.
Michael: How many times is he allowed to be on the show? Should there be a rule that once you win you don’t get to come back? Plus you can’t look like Fire Marshall Bill because it creeps Melissa out. Well, that’s not a rule, but it should be.
Erica: Ugh really… why is she here? Oh to flaunt that she knows Kalon from the Houston social scene. OK, drinking rule… every 6th time she says “like” we drink. I would say each time, but we’d never make it through the first scene of her… like… talking about… like… what she’s… like… had… like… for… like breakfast. Anywho, I think we’ve found the one person I’ll dislike more than Kalon. Shocking but true.
Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear.
Donna: Did she bring a clutch to the pad? What does she need in there? Her phone. Ugh, this girl is annoying as hell.
Chris: Am I totally jaded because I don’t think I would be this excited
Paige: Sweetie, it’s not magic, it’s television.
David: Yeah, OK… Let’s control ourselves shall we?
Brittany & Erica: I shall from this point call them twin, and not differentiate. They are just dancing all over my nerves, but I guess that’s their schtick.
Let the drinking begin!
As the party gets started Ed decides he needs to consume all the alcohol in the first night then hit the pool in his tighty-whities which thank you to the producers are blurred out. I love that Chris comes through like the Dad of the house to break it down for them. ”Kids, come in here so dad can give you a lecture”. We all know the rules so no need to rehash like Chris, but tomorrow’s challenge will require teams, so it’s time to partner up and get ready. Ed decides he’s had enough and heads back to the pool in the middle of Chris’s warning that competition starts tomorrow. I say let him go and he’ll pass out and the pad-mates can deal with him. I would also like to just state right here and now that I do not like Erica. I find her foul in many ways and think she that sad miserable person who fells better about herself by talking down to others.
The next morning the crew begins to stir and discuss the previous night. Did Ed actually sleep outside? Poor thing is hung over – um, ya think?? I hope Erica loses the first competition, unfortunately we’ve see her in previews so we know she makes a few cuts.
Love is in the Air
1st Challenge: So it’s be a test of the strength of love. I’m thinking it’s not so much strength in love, but some full on leg and upper body strength. The trainer loses first? Wait, what?? Clearly he needs to hit the gym a little harder. Not that I’m going to hate Erica having a vote against her going into the rose ceremony. OK, here’s my new deal. I want the twins to go far just to piss the F out of everyone in the house. I have declared my alliance – well, at least for the first week or so.
Date Night Stuff of Fantasies
So the Super fans David and Twins get the 1st official date of the season and it’s everything they could hope for. It’s a trip to the boardwalk to ride the roller coasters and ferris wheel. They remark how their date is a combination of the dates of the past. Well, if we’re going with dates of the past, they need to pull a Courtney. Yes, of course there’s skinny dipping. I kind of love the fans having the first date, and pissing off the “alum”.
Can We Talk?
I love that all the “places to talk” are beds. This isn’t going to sit well with Blakeley who has marked her territory by partnering with Chris for the challenges. Did Blakeley just say people don’t have respect in the house? Nice, thanks for the update Captain Obvious. You’re at the Bachelor Pad, isn’t that kind of part of the contract you signed? She cares about Chris? She’s known him for what, 24 hours at this point?
Before the Rose
Um, good morning shirtless SWAT cooking up breakfast. I wouldn’t hate a season of that. The fans (led by David) discuss the need to go after and vote Erica and Nick off because the lost the challenge and will already have a vote against them. Unfortunately, given his love for all things Bachelor(ette) he forgets the cardinal rule of the Pad and that’s NOT to share your plot with the person you are plotting against. DOH! Hearing they are plotting against her, Erica goes off to try to get some votes to stay. SWEET MARY, my 7 year old has better crocodile tears than that!! Ugh, I really dislike you girl. Anywho, Chris thinks David’s telling Erica the plans is the dumbest move ever, and he should know, he’s SWAT. He’s also starting to realize because David is safe from elimination he isn’t.
The alums get their panties all in a bunge because these FANS are plotting against them and well, they just can’t have that. Douche-du-jour Chris even goes as far as saying “it’s our house”. AW LAWD the egos in this house. It’s not your house jack ass, it’s ABCs, you’re just a pawn in their money making scheme.
So we’re back and forth with plotting as usual, and Paige realizes she’s potentially on the chopping block, let the negotiations begin. It’s not looking good for Paige, or Chris for that matter.
Kalon however, in a fantastic move in my opinion casts his vote for Erica after telling all he’s totally on her side and will vote for Paige to keep Erica there. DAMN IT, I might have to be nice to Kaylon (for a day – TOPS!!) .
Paige and Reid break down her votes and she thinks she’s in the clear, but they know they are missing someone. Who is it?? They forgot her fellow fan holding the swing vote.
Out: Paige and SWAT – 2 fans down. I can’t believe it came down to Chris deciding to screw the other fans over.
Bottom Line: Settle in folks and make sure you have your drink of choice (several), it’s going to be a LONG season.