One Sentence Summary: Eastern Europe proves to be difficult turf as Emily decides whose kiss is on her list.
Rachel: Well, this week I’m super excited to be headed off to Croatia with the crew. Yes, I realize that I don’t actually get to go, but I’m excited to see the sites via my TV screen. I feel like that is going to be the highlight of the evening and the only thing that’s going to make listening to Emily talk about her lack of trust of the remaining men bearable. You know it’s going to be all she talks about from her walk with Ricki to her leaving in the middle of the rose ceremony to talk to Chris… C’mon we all saw the previews. And seeing as how I’m in bed with an elephant on my chest, I’m having to watch this sober and not join in on the Bachelorette Drinking Game. Not even a healthy dose of my Wal-tussin is going to numb the pain. And yes, that is Walgreen’s version of Robitussin that I’m rocking. Listen, as long as there is some form of “Tussin” happening, I’m going to be ok. No need to spend the extra $5 for the Robi. Though right about now I’d prefer some Pinot Tussin to be honest. Ah well, I’ll just have to double up next week to make up for lost drinking time.
Melissa: Whew, at least Kalon is gone, though I can only be so excited since he’s headed to Bachelor Pad to ruin part of my summer!! Now let’s get to work on sending Ryan packing, so I can at least enjoy the pretty scenery of The Bachelorette’s love journeys.
Rachel’s What Happened: Wait, wait… There’s Emily, but no Ricki. She went back to Charlotte??? What the??? How do we know she’s ok if she doesn’t giggle for us in the first 5 minutes of the show? Though in all honesty, I’m glad she’s not being dragged all over the world and is actually back home, in her house, with her friends. Emily tells us that she is going to focus this week on figuring out the relationships that she still has no clue about. She’s talking to you Travis and John.
And look, it’s a roving posse of men in hoodies and jeans. Are they told to dress alike? They’re like clone men. As the men settle into their Dubrovnik digs, they discuss who will be getting a one-on-one. Before anyone can answer, Emily shows up instead of the date card. She says there are some fun dates this week and then hands Travis the date card on her way out. Um, was Chris out sick today? What was that about? I mean if you’re going to show up out of the blue, at least say something interesting. Oh, and I’m sure you figured it out, but for those feeling a little slow today, Travis got the one-on-one date.
Melissa: So we’re going to start out in Dubrovnik with Emily abandoning Ricki Bobby to hook up with the boys?? EMILY!! I hope Ricky Bobbi doesn’t have abandonment issues now. Not that she’s not already going to need therapy.
Entree Miss Em (I call her Em because we’ve gotten so close these past few weeks) to “surprise” the men and hang out… Gotta say Ryan just makes my skin crawl at this point. For real, he’s getting just so smarmy!! At least he didn’t get the first one-on-one sightseeing date.
The Traditional Walk Around Town Date
Rachel’s What Happened: Travis gets the wandering around town date. Granted, it’s a great town to wander around, but it’s the laziest date planning ever. Either Emily has it in her contract that there will be no physical activity for her on her dates or the producers have just given up. I’m gonna go with the former on this one. You? Travis tells us he was engaged and was heartbroken when it didn’t work out, but with Emily, he feels that light again. He also says “man” a lot. OK, I know it’s annoying when I keep saying I’ve visited the places they go to on this show, but I have to tell you that I’ve had ice cream from that exact store and it was amazing. No seriously, that is the bomb ice cream (gelato). And magical dessert trumps annoying references by me every time. So, even if Emily doesn’t dig Travis, she’ll still experience that special tingling sensation on her date.
Oh how nice. This week they gave Emily a guide book so she doesn’t have to fake historical knowledge. I guess trying to remember what happens at Buckingham Palace proved too much for her. Anyway, they come across The Balancing Stone, and according to her book, if you can balance on it while taking off your shirt or coat, you’ll be lucky in love. He manages to balance on it after about half a dozen tries, but doesn’t remove his shirt. This does not please Emily; not because she fears being unlucky in love, but because she’s trying to get a peek at the ab situation. Nice try, girl. Good effort on that one.
Time for the costume change part of the date with dinner inside the city walls. Travis gives her his best “I’ve enjoyed our date so much” speech and says it’s nice to know he can do that again since after his broken engagement. Emily asks what he did wrong in that relationship and he says he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. But before Emily can go into “Oh no” mode, he says he also thinks his ex didn’t do anything wrong either. Umpire says, “Safe!” Emily likes that answer. She is surprised though that he hasn’t dated anyone in 2 years. He says he was scared to open up. I think maybe his hair scared off any potential dates. And what is with no one eating on these dates? Stop wasting food! Seriously, I hope someone on the crew is eating that. And yes, I am that mad at the thought of wasting food. It’s just wrong on so many levels. Anyway, Travis just laid some seriously flattery down on the table and I’m thinking Emily did manage to eat that up. She grabs the rose and he’s ready to pin it on his jacket like it’s Prom Night. Unfortunately, he spent to much time on the Friend List and Emily just isn’t feeling the romantic connection. So, poor Travis is sent packing without Emily or his egg.
Melissa: Seriously, does she practice her “history” in hopes she comes off sounding smart? I do like the impromptu, not-at-all-staged musician in the side alley for them to dance to… Where’s the running man Em?? Wow Travis, not dating in 2 years? That’s really not something you want to admit on what is essentially your first date. And no, she never eats on her dinner dates. She’s not hungry. She just goes back to the hotel and horks down some twinkies and oreos.
Wait, Travis didn’t go in for a kiss? Dude, you have to step it up and get out of the friend zone! Dun-dun-duh… And there we go… Welcome to FZ. Your passage into the zone comes with a one-way ticket home. Please enjoy your economy class seat, no snacks will be served… Buh-bye. Why is it a different kind of hurt, Travis? Because you’re on national television getting dumped?
It’s Not A Skirt. It’s A Kilt.
Rachel’s What Happened: Group date time… John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris & Arie are the lucky boys. That means Ryan gets the other one-on-one. He tells us that he’s a frontrunner and he can manipulate the situation to get the romantic connection. It’s like Emily chopped Kalon’s head off the douche monster and Ryan’s head sprouted up in its place. Well, we all knew that he was an ass, but thought maybe there were signs of life from him after last week. Nope. Not so much. And especially in that shirt… WTF? Did you not see the woman on the 3-pack when you bought it? Seriously, that is worse that Sean’s jeans last week.
Melissa: WTF is that shirt Ryan?? I think I have the same tank top in black, except mine has little sequins on the straps. You’re shopping in the ladies shops now? Ryan, you need to stop talking now about how you’re just going to go get the girl if you want to… You’re as annoying as a kid dinging their new bike bell over, and over, and over.
Rachel’s What Happened: The mens meet Emily in Town Square. She tells them she wants to go to the movies and they go to see Disney Pixar’s “Brave”. Really, Ricki is missing this? I’m surprised Emily didn’t demand Ricki Bobby be flown in just for the movie. After the movie, Emily tells the men that they well be competing in the Highland Games… in kilts. We get some eye candy watching the men change and methinks I peeked a tattoo on Doug’s ribs. I think it was Doug. Whoever it was, I say, “Yes, please!” Now, as if putting them in skirts wasn’t humiliating enough, they have to ride out to the games on donkeys. Seriously, the producers are sadistic. And I love them for it. Time to play some games in kilts, with bagpipe music from Scotland while in Croatia. Ok then…
Melissa: So Em is going to take the boys to see Disney’s “Brave”. Yeah, it’s a kids movie… Bunch of grown men and Emily… How’s that for product placement? Little hinky if you ask me, but since no one did, I’ll just sit here thinking it’s not right. So let me get this straight, Emily. You ditch your girl, then you go see a movie you should be taking Ricki Bobby to see? Makes sense.
So the challenge is the Highland Games. IN KILTS!! Man, I’m just going to put this out there… A man in a kilt is something sexy to see if you ask me (not to mention I’m a sucker for a Scottish accent). I’m wondering if they are going the “true Scotsman” route. Anyone not seeing much past Doug’s redic arms… Those are mighty nice. Mighty nice indeed.
Rachel’s What Happened: They start the day with archery. Emily takes the first shot and hits the target. All the guys are rocking the arrows as well… until Chris, whose arrow doesn’t even reach the board. This is, of course, after having to hear him brag about how he’s going to school all the guys and impress Emily. Um, maybe you’re more of a log tosser. Whoops. OK, so no, that’s that not your sport either. Let’s try a little Laid Leash instead – I think that’s what they called it. Either way it’s one-on-one Scottish tug-of-war. Chris gets to pick his opponent and he picks Doug. Dumb ass. Way to let your ego override your smarts. Not shockingly, Doug tosses him like a rag doll. Needless to say, he didn’t win the Bravery Cup… Wait, scratch that. He does win the Bravery Cup, because Emily says he had fun and wasn’t afraid to try. Lame. As a reward for losing every round… Er, I mean being brave enough to suck… I mean… Oh whatever, he gets some one-on-one time and smooches as a reward.
Melissa: Oh Chris, why would you pick Doug? I gotta say, that’s just mighty nice those arms. Yeah, I get there’s a whole other show going on, but I can’t get past those arms of his. BTW, bad boy Sean not being proper Scotsman with that kilt.
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for some cocktails and jockeying for attention. Ooh, I love that tunics she’s wearing. Anywho, Sean gets the first alone time and he tells Emily he missed her. She’s definitely smitten with Sean, which I don’t get personally, but they do make sense together. Up next is Arie who is a bit panicked about what happened with the Kalon situation. He apologizes to her and she admits that she held him to a different standard than the other guys. But they both love being around each other so all is good in the world. And they clearly love kissing each other… a lot. I’d pay so much money to see him do John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever strut down the street. Who’s with me? Next, Jef and Emily talk about how far they have come and Jef drops about 1,000 “likes” on her. I mean I like totally like Jef and like think he’s pretty like cool, but I wonder if like he can bring his like A-like-game to the situation. Emily isn’t bothered. She just wants more smooches. Chris and his AWOL top lip are up next. He does this weird head sway thing when he’s talking, which totally freaks me out. It’s so cheesy and off-putting, but I guess Emily likes it because she gives him the rose.
Melissa: I have to appreciate Arie for going in for the kill. He doesn’t mess around with the lip locks, and she’s clearly not forcing the peck to keep from the mouth assault of others. WOW, and Chris gets the rose? Really??
The Blueprint To My Heart
Rachel’s What Happened: Ryan is enjoying his alone time and enjoying telling us about all the amazing qualities he possesses as a man… nay, a god. The guys are back from the Highland Games, and while he primps, they’re plotting their Ryan Revolution. Apparently, they don’t appreciate a man that take 3 hours to get ready because he shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs. Wait, wait, wait… back it up. He plucks his finger hairs? OK, that is taking metrosexual a few steps too far – and by steps, I mean miles. Oh and Ryan, if you insist on being hairless from the neck down, there’s this newfangled thing called wax. It’ll save you oodles of time and you can be out the door in under an hour with knuckles as smooth as a baby’s bottom.
Emily shows up to whisk Ryan off. But before they can get out the door, the men witness Ryan spreading a thick layer of cheesy lines all over Emily, which was embarrassing to everyone…. Well, everyone except Ryan. They hope Emily sees what a jackass he is. I can’t imagine it’s easy to miss, though I’m thinking Ryan comes home since Arie is going to her room later tonight to talk to her about him.
On the date, Emily admits they have a lot of chemistry, but she doesn’t appreciate him calling her a trophy wife. Yet, she’s going to give him a chance today. After some more sightseeing, they stop to sample some fresh oysters just pulled from the water. Emily isn’t a fan and Ryan encourages her to “swallow it”. There’s a really bad joke in there about later in the date and swallowing, but I’m gonna let you come to it on your own. Anyway, Emily’s oyster ends up back in the sea… Granted it’s dead & without its shell, but hey, a homecoming nonetheless. After some more time walking the town, Ryan & Emily park it on a bench and he begins his trademark proselytizing. Really, no one could love this man more than he loves himself, but she’s actually going along with him until he calls her a trophy wife… again. Dude, what is wrong with you? He says that every man wants a trophy, which just shows that you found the very best. Please don’t buy this giant streaming pile of crap, Emily. Please.
Melissa: At least he took his women’s tank top off. I don’t care to see how meticulous he is with the shaving of his would-be wolverine.
Shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs? Yeah, that’s only cool if you’re an Olympic swimmer or you’re trying to remove potential trace DNA when you’re looking to kill someone and bury them in the hills of Croatia. Wait, I mean… No, he’s not crazy in the “it takes the lotion from the basket” way. The sad thing is he could be attractive if he wasn’t such an ass. Does anyone else think the old man was telling her to run for the hills and not trust the wanna-be Wolverine? That’s why they didn’t subtitle him, you know. UGH, he really makes my stomach turn.
Rachel’s What Happened: Boy this girl likes a shiny dress. Ryan is impressed with the date, but can’t wait to plan dates for he & Emily. He is confident that she will be there at said planned dates. She’s curious to know what role his wife plays in his life. He says more than a trophy, though he doesn’t understand how she can say she doesn’t want to be a trophy yet will show up on the date looking like… a trophy. As much as I want to slap him, the gold dress that makes her look like an Oscar probably didn’t help her cause. He saves himself a bit by saying that the trophy isn’t the dress, but that woman inside. Yeah, nice attempt but you’re still a douche… which he proves once again when he pulls out a written list of 12 things he wants in a woman. No, seriously. Ready?
- Loyalty – Fair. That’s generally helpful. Probably don’t need a written list for that.
- Logical – He says that means not overly emotional – A woman that thinks before she reacts. Yeah, that means doesn’t argue with me when I tell her how it is.
- Never caught this one
- Encourager – Another veiled attempt to sound soft when it really means tell me how fabulous I am at all times.
- Faithful – Um, isn’t that just a subsection of loyalty?
- Nurturing – Rub my feet after my hard day of work.
- Confident – He elaborates that this means she’s magnetic and people are drawn to her. I believe this is the trophy part… Look how fabulous my wife is. Don’t you wish you were me?
- Subservient – I think this one needs no explanation. We’re all clear on this and know that it’s really #1 for him.
- Unselfish – aka – selfless. aka – Home every night.
- Beautiful – Of course this is 100% physical and not internal.
- Sexy Personality – Wants to get it on with me at any given moment.
- Catches His Eye – He says this one was really important which he pointed out by using all caps and underlining it. I actually have no idea what that means, but I’m sure it’s horribly self-centered.
Emily, shockingly, is not as bowled over as Ryan was expecting and says she feels like she needs to perfect around him all the time. She doesn’t want to be with someone because she fits into his mold. He thinks that’s a fair statement, then reminds her that the rose is still on the table and not on his lapel. Dear Lord woman, do not give him the rose. I know I’m wasting my breath, but I’m hoping beyond hope that there’s a chance she’ll be smarter than we think she is.
She tells him she likes his kissing, but not so much his list. She would have put at the top of her list “a loving family and not a perfect one”. Whoops, yeah you missed the kid, Ryan. Rookie mistake. She has so much fun with him and there’s so much she adores, but she doesn’t think they want the same things out of a relationship which is why she can’t give him the rose tonight. I think his head might explode. Needless to say, he’s shocked. I’m shocked. Granted, our “shocks” are on the opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, but there’s still shock all around. Instead of leaving with his dignity, he sits and lectures her some more about her making the wrong choice. He wonders if the tears are because she feels bad or because it’s something else. Say you feel bad. Say you feel bad. Nope, she says she’s not sure it’s the right choice. Oh, Emily. You just walked right into his trap. She says she doesn’t think she could make him happy which could be her insecurity… or that they’re not compatible. Flip a coin and send him home already. She doesn’t know which it is, but he’s not getting the rose. Whew. That was close. I’m sure he’s going to stop by the producers and recommend he be the next Bachelor on his way out of town. And while he laments not seeing the boys and wondering how shocked they must be, they’re actually back at the hotel doing their happy dances as his luggage gets snatched away. Ryan hopes that everyone realizes that his confidence comes from the right place and that no one sees him as an arrogant ass. Yeah, too late.
Melissa: He wrote a 12 step list for a wife? Ew. How is that sexy? HOLY SHIT, no rose for Ryan! Brilliant Emily, way to go. Well yes Ryan, when you don’t see something coming it is a shock… Moron. And you’re going to sit there and argue with her? Speaking of being at dinner, I want to go on this show and be the first Bachelorette who actually eats. That would be the best part about traveling around the world, all the cuisine you can sample! Oh Ryan, of course they aren’t going to cut it up to make you look like an arrogant ass. You’ve successfully given them enough material that they didn’t have to splice a single scene.
Your Kiss Is On My List
Rachel’s What Happened: Arie is worried about Emily and how she’s doing after sending two guys home. So, off he sneaks into the night to check in on his girl. He wants to talk to her about what a good judgement of character (yes, judgement) she is and that she should feel good in her decision to send Ryan home. He wouldn’t have been a good husband for her and if he had come back to the house tonight, Arie would have still snuck out and told her that. Look, Emily! I have your back! This dude is smoooth with three o’s. Well, and lookie here, we’re hanging out in bed because there was, gosh darn-it, nowhere else to hang out. She tells him again that she was a little harsh on him in London, but he is cool with it because he will defend her always. Emily gives him Ryan’s rose, which if he’s at home watching this, must be giving him an aneurysm. Time for the make-out session. Um, can we pull the camera out about 3 feet. That’s way too close. Way. She walks him out because there are no sleepovers until Fantasy Suite week.
Melissa: Wait, Arie sneaks off to Emily’s place? Oh hey now, you know she was hoping for someone to pull a Courtney on her. So the only place they can sit and talk is in her bed? Nice move my dear… I have a whole first floor, but there’s nowhere to sit, so come up here to my bed to talk.
Rachel’s What Happened: Two guys are already down and Chris has a rose. That means there’s a lot of pressure on the remaining five guys to perform tonight. Doug & John are on the bubble tonight. She thinks, at this point, that means John’s going home. Now, the powers that be aren’t going to make this that easy on us, so now I’m panicked for Doug. Emily & John spend some one-on-one time alone and he says that he has been acting too cool. He says he’s closed off to a certain extent, but deep down he’s a big softie. He shows her that, in his wallet, he keeps his grandparents funeral cards because it is a reminder of how incredible their love was. It brings him to tears, which we know Emily does not like, but he might get a pass because it is the nine year anniversary of his grandfather’s heart attack. John says his grandfather is his guardian angel. He also says it’s hard for him to express himself in these circumstances. She is touched that he shared that with her. She knows what it’s like to have that piece of paper and what it means. And with that, John is the first guy to get some post-tear lip. Welcome to the party, John.
Next up, Doug. Emily feels like her other relationships have moved further along than her relationship with Doug. He actually says to her that he feels like he’s behind the other guys. She invites him to cuddle up and he is super awkward about it. Dude, get it together. Jef pulled off the kiss! You gotta do the same or you’re toast. She even tells you that she wants you to pursue her. In the other room, the guys are talking about him needing to make a move. See! Everyone wants you to make a move! Emily is telling you that she doesn’t want Humble Doug. She wants Confident Doug. Sadly, I don’t know if we’re going to see him tonight. I love Doug, but he’s really got to grow a set. He does not and no kiss happens. I really thought he’d be in the final two and now I’m pretty concerned that he’s going home tonight.
Melissa: Doug is on the bubble?? WHAT? Why? You’d better watch your step, missy. You send Doug home and I’m done with you!! Well, unless he’s going to be the next Bachelor, then you might be forgiven, but it’s doubtful. Humble Doug. Oh I just want to hug you. You need to step up because she wants to sample the goods and you aren’t giving her even a little crumb.
Rachel’s What Happened: She starts the ceremony by saying she’s not 100% confident in her decision and is taking a huge risk tonight. Way to start the party on a positive note. She hands roses to Sean, Jef & Arie. It’s time for the final rose and she hesitates. And she hesitates. And then she leaves. She finds Chris and says she doesn’t know what to do. Chris says there are no rules and she hands back the final rose. Chris says, “John & Doug?” She says, “Yes.” She goes back in and tells them that she won’t be giving out the final rose tonight. Doug & John look crestfallen and I’m ready to sing a sad song for Doug when Chris walks back in with two roses. They’re both staying. Damn, girl! Way to play it close to the vest and give those boys heart attacks. OK, that might actually have been the most shocking rose ceremony ever.
Staying: Chris, Sean, Jef, Arie, John & Doug
Gone: Travis, Ryan
Next stop, Prague. Don’t worry, I’ve never been there.
Rachel: Whew, Doug got in by the hair on his chinny chin chin. He had better bring his A++ game next week or he’s not going to be so lucky. And I have no idea what that preview is about with Chris crying and interrupting the rose ceremony, but I can’t wait for that mess to happen. I wonder if his upper lip comes out when he cries…
Melissa: You’re so lucky you saved Doug! You producers however, who let me have even a second of fret over losing my boy… You’re not my friends this week.