One Sentence Summary – Season Two comes to an end with screaming, drink throwing and accusations of ill-fitting pants.
Rachel: Well, here we are at the end of another season of Texas Housewives. I mean, Big Rich Texas. Same thing though, really. The only difference is that they haven’t made these women go on some ridiculous trip together. Perhaps Season 3… Anywho, I can’t believe they only gave us ten measly episodes. Yeah, ten episodes does not a season make. I guess they weren’t expecting the following they seem to have picked up. I am pretty sure only 5 people watched Season 1. Me being one of those 5. Well, hopefully our lovely Southern Belles have given the Style Channel enough ad revenue that we’ll get double the pleasure next year. In the meantime, lets join the ladies and see which one comes out the Revenge Queen of the season. Let the games begin…
Melissa: I can’t believe I just got addicted to these ladies and they are leaving me! How will I ever get my crazy fix? Maybe the Bitches need to take a road trip to Dallas and start stalking them. Nothing to see hiding in the bushes ladies… Nothing to see.
I Won’t Be Ignored
Rachel’s What Happened: And we return with the unannounced arrival of Pam who just flew into town on her broom to surprise the new roomies. Granted, I don’t blame her. At all. I mean if I were shelling out all that cash for my kid to live and go to school in LA, I’d be demanding some report cards and not letting her runaway no-job-having school-dropout of a friend couch surf either. Seriously, that kid’s rent in Santa Monica is probably the same as Pam’s mortgage in Dallas. Hannah says her mother needs to trust her. Mom’s like uh, no. That’s not how this works. I do give Hannah credit that when she does finally show her mom her grades, they are A’s. Granted, it’s also A’s from a community college. Not that it’s not still an achievement. And don’t start yelling at me about the merits of community college. I already agree with you. I’m just pointing out that it’s not Harvard here. And it’s my job to point out those happy little nuggets. So good on Hannah getting good grades but it’s still mom’s money so it’s mom’s rules. Don’t like ‘em. Don’t swipe her credit card.
Melissa: Oh it’s the arrival of Pam to Hannah’s – again. Were I these girls, I’d be crapping myself upon opening the door to that look. OK, side bar: I’m loving this apartment. Wish my college apartment was that nice! Pam is completely justified too with worrying that Hannah needs to focus. I also don’t get how Whitney could have an attitude with the woman who is paying for the roof over the sofa she’s sleeping on.
Shake A Shiny Object
Rachel’s What Happened: First of all, before we can even discuss this scene, we must discuss the terrible jeans that Connie stole from 1982. Holy hideous. OK, moving on and getting back to Cha Cha and the remodel. Seems her husband is behind on the construction. Of course he is. Anyone remember the Great Gazebo Debacle of 2012? But Cha Cha distracts Connie with her teeth and her offer of discounts at a local furniture store. Wow, flash a little shopping in Connie’s face and she completely loses track of what she was just fuming about. That’s an awesome trick. Tip o’ the hat Cha Cha, though you pushed it too far when you also suggested you plan the opening party. Connie would prefer you focus on the fact that nothing in her store is done.
Melissa: OMG, I can’t believe Cha Cha actually thinks this is close to being finished. I’m no contractor, but I have no idea how anyone thinks that is going to get done in a week. I swear, if I were Connie, I’d be choking her right about now.
Shhh Baby, Don’t Talk
Rachel’s What Happened: Over at the House of Bad Plastic Surgery, Bonnie is still recovering from her “laser resurfacing gone wrong” incident and whining about missing Whitney. Jason, still doing the “Keep Whitney Out At All Costs” dance, tells Bonnie that she needs to be worrying about her nose. That’s all she needs to worry about. Listen to my voice Bonnie… You don’t miss Whitney. You don’t miss her at all. Now drink this yummy tea I made you and off to dreamland you go. Shhh… I know it tastes funny, but it’s just because it’s my special “soothing” blend. But before he can lull her all the way to sleep, Leslie stops by with balloons and sympathy. Bonnie tells Leslie about Whitney going to California and says she wants to go out there before Pam can hurt her daughter. Leslie thinks this is a good idea and Jason stops just short of actually picking her up and tossing her out the door. Do not deviate from the plan, Leslie. This house is going to remain Whitney-free as long as he has anything to say about it. He says Dr. A will never let her fly, but Bonnie is insisting she’s going…. even if it’s behind Jason’s back. Excellent plan.
Melissa: Sheesh, Bonnie is still terrifying to look at. At least Gutter, I mean Jason, is taking care of her. Btw, what does he do that he’s completely available to look after his wife 24/7? I’m really not liking looking at her. Is that mean of me? She scares me. I’m woman enough to say that, if she were a book, she’d go in the freezer. That’s where the scary books go so they can’t hurt you. Leslie, at least, is there with balloons… Yeah, balloons aren’t going to fix that nightmare. Um, dumb ass Bonnie, you forced your hand with that ridiculous procedure and now you’re going to get on a plane???
Your Plan Stinks
Rachel’s What Happened: Back out in Cali, Pam decides to take advantage of the fact she’s there and takes Hannah on a research trip to smell perfumes to get ideas for their fragrance. It will also give her a chance to talk to Hannah about the Whitney situation and Hannah’s attitude lately. They show up at a create-your-own perfume store and Hannah is annoyed that Pam has asked her to take notes because she has so much homework already. Um, taking notes while you’re at the store is not going to infringe on your homework time. But it’s really that she’s annoyed with mom for showing up unannounced. Well, Pam’s not having that and gives her the “let me tell you how it is” speech. If she thinks she can tell her mom what to do, hang up on her when they’re Skyping and be all around attitudinal and disrespectful, she’s got another thing coming. God, I hate rooting for Pam, but you kind of have to on this one. Hannah apologizes, but says she did get good grades so that should warrant some latitude. And with that, peace is achieved. Ish. Pam backs down but reminds Hannah of her favorite saying: If I’m payin’, I’m sayin’. Oh, I like that. It’s a much more fun version of “My house, my rules.”
As expected, the convo turns to Whitney. Pam doesn’t think she’s a good influence (ya think?). Hannah tells her that she went with Whitney to a consultation to get her boobs done. Yeah, you think that information is going to help or hurt your cause, Hannah? Pam is sad that Whitney has body image issues, but what can you expect with “Botox Bonnie” as your mom? She kinda has a point there too. Dammit! Hannah agrees and says that’s why she wants to support Whitney. She needs a good friend and influence. Pam says she can support her as a friend but not support her by putting a roof over her head. Hannah doesn’t want to tell Whitney to move out so Pam offers to do the deed. She pretends it’s a selfless act for her daughter’s sake, but I’m pretty sure she actually licked her chops while she offered.
Melissa: I can’t believe Hannah is rolling her eyes at her mother’s suggestion to take notes. Why are these kids throwing such attitude around? At least she’s smart enough to apologize for her behavior. I’m telling you, folks, if I pulled any of this with my parents when I was 18, I wouldn’t have made it to 19. I really don’t get how a 24-year-old wants to live with an 18-year-old to begin with… I mean other than that awesome (rent-free) crib.
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for another lunch with Leeanne and Leslie. Leeanne tells Leslie that Heidi was happy with the Bling It On Event, which makes Leslie happy to hear as she was concerned. Well, how can you not be seeing as how you wore a Stars on Ice dress to the event and were in the middle of yet another ridiculous cat fight? Seriously, I give Heidi all the credit in the world for having the patience of a saint with these women. I would have had it by now. Then again, it is good publicity to have her organization on TV… but is it a blemish on said organization when you see these kind of shenanigans going on at their events? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I know. I need a life… But we’re not here for that. We’re here because Leeanne wants to nominate Leslie for the Board. Well, that’s not going to broker peace among the Fashionistas. The issue, she says, is that the vote has to be unanimous and we all know that ain’t happening as long as Pam gets a vote. However, Leeanne thinks she can talk Heidi into overriding that problem. Oh, this should be interesting.
Melissa: Oh, it’s a Fashionista power lunch. Heidi liked the Bling event (Heidi, I have to challenge that one, my dear) so Leeanne thinks that Leslie has a shot with the Fashionista Board. OK, so how is it that Pam had to beg and plead to be on the board, and Leslie, who just writes a check, gets nominated in like 3 days? Hey ladies, I don’t live in Dallas, but can I be a Fashionista too?
What’s A Little Asbestos Among Friends?
Rachel’s What Happened: Connie and Cha Cha go shopping at a furniture consignment store. Cha Cha loves everything Connie picks out. Literally loves everything. Connie is less enthusiastic about Cha Cha’s picks, of course, since Connie gives this woman zero credit for anything. But the good times are short-lived as Cha Cha has some bad news. Turns out the City Inspector found asbestos in the store, which has to be removed before any additional construction happens. Yeah, I don’t think shopping is going to distract Connie this time. Nope, Connie is not happy and wants her space open when she wants it open. That’s right! Mesothelioma be damned! Connie has a party to throw!
Melissa: I clearly live in a bad town as I don’t have anything near these awesome consignment shops. I swear, I love the looks Connie gives Cha-Cha… We could have a whole episode on those eye rolls. In fact, I think we should. A little cheese, some wine, and an hour of Connie’s snooty sideways glances. Good times for all.
On A Very Special BRT
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for Pam to throw down the gauntlet with Whitney. She says she hates having to be the bad guy, but I’m pretty sure I have seen no evidence of that. Ever. Pam tells Whitney that she thought she would catch a party when she showed up. If Whitney goes on one of her tangents, she doesn’t want it distracting Hannah. Whitney says she never gets in trouble… Uh, except for that time she brought a gun to the club, or the time she interrupted Leslie’s pageant and started a fist fight, or the time she tattooed the c-word on her foot… Right. She says she would never derail her from school. Well except to take care of her after her boob job. After that, totally no distractions. Quite the load of crap she’s feeding Pam.
Pam wants to know where Whitney got the idea that she needed huge boobs to be beautiful. Well, from her childhood role model, of course – Pamela Anderson. I have to put the TV on pause to just shake my head on that one. Pam says her perception of beauty is skewed and wants to know what her mother thinks about the boob job. Here we go… Whitney says her mom has no problem with it and Pam cannot understand why her mother isn’t telling her to conquer the world with her brain and not her boobs. Get an education, not boobs. Oh Pam, I’m so cheering you on right now and it’s really disturbing to me. But I have to say that I wish more mothers were like this with their daughters. Pam wishes Whitney all the best and wants her to follow her dreams… just not in the same apartment with Hannah. Whitney pretends she understands and then excuses herself to go work on her resume. BTW, no one thinks you’re actually working on your resume, Whit. Pam tries to give her one last kind gesture by saying she really does want the best for her. Whitney, forgetting that it’s not Bonnie she’s talking to, stomps up the stairs ignoring Pam and calling her a bitch in her one-on-one interview. So much for any hope that Whitney actually heard what Pam was saying. Ugh, she’s such a brat.
Melissa: I can’t believe Bonnie would support Pam Anderson as a role model for Whitney. Sorry, no, I can believe it actually. I just don’t understand that mentality. Whitney, did you really just call Pam a bitch for not letting you hang out on her daughter’s sofa??
I Just Wanna Fly
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie sneaks off to see the plastic surgeon with Leslie so she can get a note that will allow her to fly. Leslie, seeing Bonnie again in the bright light of day, isn’t so sure she should have encouraged her to go to California. Good Lord Leslie, have you made one decision this season you haven’t regretted? Granted your decision making skills are about as sharp as an eraser, but you flip-flop worse than any politician I’ve ever seen. She says Bonnie looks like a walking scab. Ugh, that is gross… but true. Two minutes into Bonnie saying she’s worried about Whitney, Leslie has had enough and wants to talk about the Fashionistas. Never mind that Bonnie is in pain. It’s all about Leslie now.
Dr. A sees Bonnie and wants to know what happened to her face. That’s never a good sign when a plastic surgeon looks at you and is scared by your plastic surgery. Then again, he did tell her to wait in the first place. He’s not sure how she’s thinks she’s going to fly. He thinks she’s nuts. She says her other surgeon wouldn’t give her a note so she came to him. He lets her in on the good news that she’s not getting one from him either. Yeah, so you ignore his advice, go behind his back to another surgeon, then come to him for a favor that would betray his ethics and expect him to do it? For a smart woman, she is so dumb sometimes. She’s lucky he didn’t laugh in her face and then tweak her nose just out of spite.
Melissa: No, of course the receptionist didn’t recognize Bonnie… She looks insane. She is going to terrify any child she comes across. Seriously, that is the stuff of nightmares. I can’t believe Leslie is willing to help her get on a plane to Cali. Friends don’t let friends fly F’d up. At least Dr. A looks appalled by her appearance.
On Second Thought…
Rachel’s What Happened: Pam takes the girls to dinner and suddenly she is wavering on kicking Whitney to the curb and sending her back to Bonnie. She says Hannah did get good grades and is responsible so maybe she reacted too quickly. Noooooo! Don’t cave on me now, Pam! Too late. It’s done. Pam thinks Whitney might be better off 2,000 miles away from her mother so she stays. Bad call. Super bad call. Pam is going to be on Hannah like white on rice though. And Pam tells Whitney that this doesn’t mean she’s getting a free ride. There had better be a job in her future. And she says no to the boobs. Whitney needs to love herself the way she is. Whitney pinky promises that she’ll hold off on the boobs. Well, I guess one good thing came from this. One.
Melissa: Please Pam, don’t cave to this malarky. Yeah, Hannah is doing well out there, but Whitney has only been there for a few days! Again, as a mom I have to wonder why a 24-year-old would want to hang with my 18-year-old. At least Pam is supportive of Whitney being normal and not get her boobs done.
Rachel’s What Happened: Now it’s Connie’s turn to visit Bonnie. She tells Bonnie about the asbestos at her store and Bonnie isn’t surprised. She reminds Connie of the gazebo debacle for her wedding, which doesn’t make Connie feel better. But before she can really spiral, Whitney calls. Wow, she can still steal the drama from the room from 1500 miles away. Bonnie picks up knowing that Jason will kill her. Yeah, he might and that’s not hyperbole. Bonnie tells Whitney that going to Cali was a bad idea and reminds her of her poor choice in going to Seattle. She asks Whitney if she sees a pattern here. Whitney says no and tells mom that Pam said she could stay. In fact, Pam gave her some great advice. I think I see steam coming out of Bonnie’s nose. Oh wait, that’s just discharge from her nose job. She says Pam’s only motive is to piss Bonnie off. Whitney says no, she actually wants her to make something about of herself. Bonnie says no that’s nonsense and demands that Whitney come home immediately. Now, I’m freaking rooting for Pam AND Whitney. Oh I shake my fist at you Big Rich Texas. If only I really believed that Whitney might actually follow Pam’s advice. Connie & Bonnie are horrified that Pam would meddle and try to parent someone else’s child. Uh, someone has to.
Melissa: OK, seriously, any of my girls out there… If you invite me over to your house after having your face removed, I’m not going to visit you and spend time while you have goop running out of your nose. I still cannot believe Whitney talks to her mother like that. Oh wait, yes I can.
Best Frenemies Forever!
Rachel’s What Happened: Connie has to move into a storage unit because her store isn’t ready and she’s not happy. Neither is her daughter who would rather be anywhere but boxing clothes. Boy the poor children on this show having to obey their parents and help out with chores. I’m surprised Child Protective Service hasn’t shown up yet. But the gloom is only temporary… Cue Cha Cha. She comes bearing good news. They’re going to double up on men and get her store ready on time. And it’s a love fest between the two frenemies. Well, that is until Cha Cha’s next nerve-grinding run-in with Connie. Gymnastics anyone?!?
Melissa: Thankfully poor Connie didn’t have to move into her storage unit. Though how funny would that be a shop run out of Public Storage?
Rachel’s What Happened: Leeanne tells Heidi she wants to nominate Leslie for the board, but she’s worried about Pam. Heidi says she was happy with the Bling It On event that they held so she would be pleased to have Leslie be nominated and will watch what happens with Pam. Now, even though I’ve been all rah-rah Pam this episode, I have not drunk enough of her Kool-Aid to think for a second she’s not going to go straight back into evil mode at this announcement. Come sit with me kiddies and let’s watch this go down.
Pam shows up with Melissa, the latest member of the Fashionistas and apparently Pam’s new bodyguard. Good thing Melissa joined since she has pretty much no other storyline going on. The news is quickly shared with Pam that Leeanne has nominated Leslie. Pam, never one to let anything marinate long enough to formulate a smart plan of attack, marches right up to Heidi and calls out Leslie’s nomination. And we’re back to full bitch mode for one Miss Pam Duarte. She says that Leslie is a fraud. Heidi says that she would like to see how this goes with the rest of the board. Pam can tell Heidi where it’s going… nowhere good. Heidi responds with 100% calm and cool by saying that she would like to keep personal petty drama out of this and focus on things that may truly be divisive within the Fashionistas. She asks Pam to calm down and think about that. Ha. Yeah, not so much. Pam goes George Costanza Opposite Day and takes the attitude from a 7 to a 10 because she can’t be calm with Leslie in the room. Heidi would like to just get the meeting started (which translates to “end this inane conversation and get back to my champagne”).
Leeanne formally nominates Leslie, international model and real estate mogul. Oh dear. Leeanne, did you have to go there? You might have wanted to fact check that last statement before laying it on your fellow Fashionistas. Leslie says this is exciting for her and just an extension of what she’s always been doing. Uh, what’s that? Pageants? Last I checked, pageants and high-end fashion were not on the same level…. Though bling is. Hmmm… Anyway, it’s time for the vote and we are reminded that it has to be unanimous. Everyone votes in favor except for Pam, natch. Well, to be fair, there were two hold outs until they got sideways looks from the other members. Follow the script, people. Heidi offers Pam the opportunity to explain her no vote and opens the floor to her. Oh boy… She says that Leslie is a fraud and has caused problems at her country club and is not who she says she is, which she believes will cause problems for their organization. Leslie wants to know what exactly Pam means when she says she’s a fraud. Pam declines to be specific in this setting. Heidi, however, wants disclosure. If Pam’s going to throw those accusations out, she’s going to have to defend them with facts. Pam says she’s not going to go into it and throws down the “it’s her or me” ultimatum. Dun dun dun…. I’m surprised Melissa hasn’t jumped in yet. She has nothing to lose. Again, Heidi says she wants documentation regarding Pam’s claims and will table the vote until she can review further. Pam seems a bit hesitant to get specific, which is odd to me. I mean don’t you have the whole crazy real estate story she told about Seattle and living next to Bill Gates? And the club investment? And the house she fake-bought for a month? Step up, Pam. The whole situation reduces Leslie to tears. Well, fake tears because they’re gone as fast as they started when she decides, yet again, she’s going to bring Pam down. This had better happen tonight and not next season. I’m just sayin… I don’t have that kind of time. Well, I do, but I don’t have that kind of patience.
Melissa: Oh, there’s my girl Heidi! Oh, so Melissa is a member of the Fashionistas now too? I almost think Heidi takes pleasure in making Pam twitchy when it comes to Leslie. Oh Pam, why do you have to try to play the fraud card, it’s going to make you look bad. Oh, and the ‘her or me’ declaration, not so smart. Ugh, woman you’re crazy.
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney is back at the plastic surgeon’s office. I hope it’s to drop off a resume and not to violate the pinky swear vow she took. Pinky swears are very sacred. They’re up there with friendship bracelets and Eskimo kisses. And color me pleasantly surprised, she is there for a job! Well, will wonders never cease? Not only does she ask for a job, she gives him her resume and recommendations. She says she’s determined to make a life for herself in LA. Well, Whit, I’m impressed. There is hope for you yet.
Melissa: Wait, is Whitney really still going for her boobs after telling Pam she wouldn’t? Oh, whew, much better… Looking for a job. Could it be Pam’s words got through?
It Ain’t A Party Til Someone Drops an F-Bomb
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for Connie’s big opening. The store is ready on time and she has Cha Cha to thank for that. What’s a little cancer-causing asbestos between friends anyhow? The usual suspects show up and Leslie is batting a thousand with another inappropriate-for-her-age dress. Seriously, she never fails to be mutton dressed like lamb. Ever. Bonnie even showed up with that cage on her nose. Anyone else scared to see what’s happening under there? I sure am. And does anyone else wish we could actually get some actual store shots? All I see are racks and pink walls. Please tell me all this hoopla wasn’t over racks and pink walls.
Pam congratulates Connie on her store, but Connie would rather talk about Whitney. Pam tells her side of the story and says that Bonnie told her that it was her problem to solve, so she solved it. Well, that’s true. Melissa, playing the “everything Pam does I do” game, says that she is taking Kalyn on as her project and Pam has Whitney. Connie thinks that’s twisted. I think it’s probably the best thing to ever happen to those two girls. Now, I’m not a Pam fan, as we know, but thus far, she has been the only one to knock any sense into Whitney. Can’t really argue with results. But we know this is going to go over like a fart in church. And before I can finish typing the sentence, Connie is telling Bonnie that Pam is talking about taking over Whitney’s life. Never mind that she fails to mention that she also helped her, but what fun would that be. I mean why not start World War III in the middle of your own Grand Opening. Great marketing plan.
Needless to say, Bonnie goes stomping off to find Pam and tell her that she only cares about Whitney to piss her off. Another brilliant plan. And the claws are out. Oh Bonnie, you exhaust me. Your husband is the one that told her to deal with Whitney. Go yell at him. He’s the one at home setting anti-Whitney booby traps all over the house. And as the next insane screaming match begins, Heidi heads for the door. I’m glad to see that she’s finally had enough of these crazy women. Leslie decides it would be wise to stick her nose in the fight and comes Bonnie’s rescue. So, that means Melissa has to come to Pam’s rescue. And now we have a petty girl fight spreading faster than herpes through a whorehouse. The genius thing is that they’re fighting about parenting skills with the vocabulary of truck drives in front of their children. Holy missing the point, Batman! And in case you needed a little Basketball Wives up in here, Melissa throws her drink in Leslie’s face. And with that, Melissa is the next to storm out. Then Pam announces to the party that she’s done with everyone in the room. Dramatic exit alert! Bonnie bids Pam and her camel toe adieu to a round of snickers and giggles. Usually, I’d be there with you on a good camel toe joke, but I’m just so appalled by their behavior that the moose knuckle humor leaves me flat.
Melissa: Oh, I love that space! I want to go to Dallas just to shop there. Hey, Kalyn is there too – wonder if she’s still sleeping with her non-sibling? I can’t believe Bonnie actually looks that good already and is not molting anymore. Oh Connie, you are spot on with your assessment of Melissa and Pam’s taking over the kids. Here we go. At least the Texas ladies are going to send us out with a bang!! Heidi wisely strolls out before the fists and drinks start to fly. Oh no you didn’t just camel toe her Bonnie.
Rachel: Well, I wouldn’t really call that much of a cliffhanger. Pam always says she’s done with the ladies. They fight at every party. Where’s the shocker? well, Next week is a tell-all… I just hope they tell us more than they did in the lame behind the scenes last week.
Melissa: It’s the Finale already? I kind of started to like these ladies and their antics. It made me feel all warm and nostalgic for my High School days.