One Sentence Summary: Sending the Atlanta Ladies off with Happiness and Joy!
Yet another reason Two WIney Bitches love the smalls, they know how to relax.
Our Thoughts:
Rachel: Thank you for showing us the entire season in the opener. If only it was that quick and painless. I do have to admit, though, that of all the Housewives shows, I find these women (minus Kim & Marlo) to be the most in touch with reality. No don’t laugh. I’m serious. They actually take care of their kids and work actual jobs. I mean even NeNe is trying to make her own money outside this show. I may not agree with the ways but she takes care of her kids and she is out there making shit happen. That being said, I’m ready for a break. I know that the space will just be replaced with the NJ Housewives, but I’m still looking at it like a mini-vacay. It’s the little things. Though if there was some way I could still have a little Phaedra in my life, that would be great… Bravo???
Melissa: At least they’re sending us out on a fun note with this season’s RHOA Finale! We get not only Kandi’s toy line launch party, but the casting call we’ve all been waiting for. I can’t wait to see what the Bailey Agency drags in.
Sofa Support
I need a divorce so I can string John along for more presents, but still want the "perks" of marriage to Greg
Melissa’s What Happened: NeNe and Cynthia are furniture shopping and turn it into for an opportunity for NeNe to discuss her not knowing what to do with her life and Greg. Actually she does know what to do, and her decision is to move forward with the divorce. NeNe is pretty positive she can pick up the pieces and move forward with her life. She’ll also have to cut off the sex? Um, yeah NeNe, I’m thinking you should stop the bang-bang if you’re getting divorced.
Toy Time
Happiness inside and Joy outside
Melissa’s What Happened: Kandi’s goodie box arrives and we finally get to see a sample of Happiness & Joy and she’s thrilled with the final product. Via Skype Suki shows off the clit stick… AND it’s waterproof. Kandi is ready for the launch party for Bedroom Kandi and it’s ladies only with lots of product, cocktails and masseuses… now that sounds like a fun party!
Rachel: Happiness and joy has been delivered to Kandi and girl is full of happiness and joy. And it took only 5 months from concept to delivery? Now that’s working quickly. Most impressive. I’m just hoping Kandi is not going to try out her new toys while the camera are rolling. See! The lipstick is a little pocket rocket! I was right. And it’s waterproof for those bathroom moments. Hmmm… OK… If that’s what you’re into. And please tell me you don’t get your, um, rocks off on airplanes. Flying is already annoying enough without having your row buddy doing a solo mile-high club in her seat. Damn, it’s too bad the TWB couldn’t score tickets to this party.
Cattle Call
Model Rule #1: know how to get from the airport to your hotel and remember to eat. Wait, you'll need to get to your shoot too.
Melissa’s What Happened: It’s the day of the Open Call at the Bailey Agency so Cynthia can pick a handful of students to mold and shape into models. Her plan is a six week turnaround to get them trained and start placing them. Does anyone else think this is going to be as decadently horrible as I do? According to Cynthia a model has to be smart… They have to travel and know how to get from the airport to the casting agency, then from the agency to the client and eat. Um, unless there’s a Hunger Games element I’m thinking it’s hail a taxi and give the driver an address. Am I wrong? Oh my goodness, should I be a model because I can get off an airplane and get into a cab all while eating an apple I bought at the airport? She finally selects a group of women to take money from, I mean put through her school. This should be good.
Rachel: It’s time to see Atlanta’s prettiest girls. She keeps talking about women but there are some men in that line. Why can’t men model? And how is a radio personality a talent scout? Oy, there are some, um, fug people in that line. Oh hey, Alasia! I guess your appearance on America’s Next Top Model didn’t do much to catapult your modeling career. I love that Cynthia tells Alasia that it’s unacceptable to have her ass hanging out while she sits there with her boobs hanging out of her top. I also love that she tells people that they aren’t pretty enough to be a model but she’ll take their money anyhow. Maybe they can do hair & make-up or something. Please tell me they’re smart enough to not pay her for that advice. Wait, as a model, you have to be smart because you have to figure out how to get from the airport to the hotel to the photo shoots… and how to eat? Really? I’m pretty sure you have to just be above drooling to figure that out. You don’t have to be smart to be a model. I wish people would stop saying that. Hey Peter stuck around the whole time! It’s a brave new world!
Model Search of a different kind
These models have a bit more to offer
Melissa’s What Happened: Kandi is looking for models for her launch party and her end game is really the supply of eye candy for the ladies… And that’s why I like you so much Kandi. Phaedra is hoping the models are in speedos but will settle for pants. Once again, yes boys… this is how we talk when we’re together. The first model doesn’t think men shave their chests which Kandi likened to taco meat on his chest. Oh, I like Jared from Kenya… oh hello Jared, and he makes the cut for the party as the ladies oggle. Deshon is last because he has a company that specializes in such events… and by the looks of his crew… specialize indeed. Shoulder rubs while feeding strawberries. I think there is a very bright future for Deshon and his employees after this episode airs. I think I need to get down to Atlanta and check out some of these specialty companies… You know since Two Winey Bitches is a specialty company, keep aware what others do. Kandi checks if the ladies can get a happy ending… I do love you girl and cracked up out loud!
Rachel: Now this is a model casting I can get down with. And I’m with Kandi, please no more crazy male strippers, Phaedra. And please have them in pants. Pleasure and fun is not a Speedo. At all. Yeah that was not a pretty chest. I love the Kandi called it taco meat. Oh I hope there are some hotter men coming. Hello Jared from Kenya! Pheadra sasys he looked like he bathed in a cup of coffee. LMAO. Awesome. Um, I think I need to throw a party and hire these men.
Happy Birthday Kroy
Happy Birthday baby, you just bought yourself a fantastic gift
Melissa’s What Happened: It’s Date Night without KJ for Kim and Kroy to celebrate his birthday and she conveniently forgets her purse (shocking). Did she just say big 2-6? Sheesh, I keep forgetting he’s so young. She has to step up her gift giving since she has a new financier and has to compete with all the other football wives. At this point not knowing the secret present is killing me. Oh, and it’s a porche… On his dime, that’s awesome. Poor guy is going to be broke in a year.
Rachel: OK, I know they’re happy, but if they keep saying “love” I’m going to hurl. And I keep forgetting he’s 25 years old. Kim says nobody would have left Big Poppa? Uh, wrong. Actually, most women would have more self-respect than to be with him in the first place. Happy birthday, Kroy! I bought you a birthday present with your money!
Friends with Benefits
Nothing says business relationship like a little bling
Melissa’s What Happened: NeNe meets up with her “partner” John Kolaj for what I’m sure is another awkward exchange of gifts. I do love that gray Birkin… GREAT color. Hello awkward advances from John, nice to see you again I’ve not had that skeevy feeling in a while. NeNe tries to change conversation back to her Lounge in Atlanta. Why is he haggling on where to have the lounge? Ew, why do I always feel so creepy when I watch him interact with NeNe. He’s gone from red bottoms to Rolex… And what a Rolex it is. Of course Bravo doesn’t disappoint and we get the price tag. Of course NeNe appreciates a nice watch regardless of the potential strings attached. With the watch on her wrist she tries to dance away from John’s advances and tells him she appreciates him… Appreciate only.
Rachel: This guy makes me nauseated. He just oozes smarmy. I really can’t even look at him. See this is why I can’t be a trophy wife (Well, there are really like a dozen reasons)… I just couldn’t sit there and buy all this nonsense. Well, mostly I couldn’t do what it takes after you get the gift to keep on getting gifts. Wait, a Rolex? She says it’s getting weird but she still takes a $30k watch. This guy is telling you that he’s mad crazy for you and you know you have zero interest, but you’ll keep playing him until you get what you want business-wise. How about not using him for gifts and giving the watch back? Oh my damned morals.
Modeling 101
Yeah, take notes, that will help.
Melissa’s What Happened: Um, Modeling “Class” at the Bailey Agency boils down to this so far: ”Do whatever I tell you”. Then opens it up for questions. Um, wow, that speaks volumes for your agency.
Rachel: I smell a ripoff
Bedroom Kandi Launch
A Launch Party is always stressful, best to make sure you have a good support staff around you.
Melissa’s What Happened: At the Launch Party Kandi takes to the press like she’s been chatting them up forever. In a brilliant move Kandi tweeted the party details to get all of Atlanta buzzing (pun intended). Wait a minute here, there are bondage straps on the massage chairs? Now it’s a party! I hope they’re passing out safety words too for those who are a little squeamish, then again I don’t see a single person who looks like they’re AT ALL squeamish. Kandi’s goal for the line is to become the boss of pleasure, and I’m thinking she’s on her way based on crowd reaction. Always looking for a way to promote the Bailey Agency, Cynthia is a little disappointed that it’s a twitter party so she can’t pass out her card like normal parties. Really, you’re passing out your card a a dinner party? Then again, I’m kinda not shocked. NeNe seems put off by a party with strippers. What, they aren’t classy enough for her? Maybe if they let someone give them a 30K Rolex she’d be more accepting). She doesn’t care for the twitter people taking pictures either. Um hello NeNe, it’s because of these people that you have a “career”… Know your audience sweetie. So in usual fashion NeNe wants to leave and forces the talls to follow since they drove with her.
Rachel: This is the first Housewives party I’d really wish I had been invited to. The power of social media.. Right on Kandi. Smart lady. Handcuffs, massages and strawberries. That is too funny. Side bar: How good is our girl Kandi looking? She’s lost a ton of weight. Look at NeNe, Cynthia & Marlo talking smack about her party before they even show up… Jealous, much? Girl’s building an empire. Don’t get it twisted. Phaedra likes looking at butts and is a “dunkologist”… Seriously, can we please give her her own show? Oh would you just shut up NeNe. You went to a sex toy party. Did you think there would be gospel singers? I think you should try the lipstick pocket rocket out in the bathroom and loosen up a little bit. Maybe take the pole out of your ass while you’re at it. But of course that won’t happen. She’ll judge these women while she accepts $30k gifts. Holy sour grapes.
Bottom Line:
Melissa: OH BOY… Next week is the reunion and the insults are flying!
Rachel: Oh, no wonder Chateau Sheree hasn’t been on the show since it’s “on-hold”. And wow, that reunion looks like a giant headache. I’m already scared.
